Sunday, June 21, 2015

John: Certified Organic

Next up is 27 year old John McGuire from Pennsylvania. For some reason, the lad calls himself a "rockstar dentist." Let's discover why, shall we?

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

Itchy, fidgety and with a thin film of grime covering his skin, John is basically your run of the mill, live in a shed, sharpen knives in his spare time kind of a guy. Everything about him screams serial killer. He speaks in halting grunts and declarations. "I'VE... been watching... SINCE. SEASON EIGHT!" *itch, pick, scratch, sweat* When the interviewer asks Jeffrey Dahmer why he thinks he was chosen to be on Big Brother, JD rocks forward and backward before bursting into a fit of giggles, "I DON'T KNOW!!!!"

I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything, but, CBS, check the lining of John's clothes for contraband. Things like hypodermic needles, tourniquets, bunsen burners, nitrous tanks. Shit like that.

Quick question, raise your hand if you'd let this guy anywhere near your teeth. I don't see any hands raised. However, I do see a toothless child in the corner whimpering and mumbling, "Not the ball gag again." A former patient perhaps?

Yeah, this guy is FDIC, FDA, certified organic INSANE. Which makes me like him! The guy is a total nut job. He stares vacantly into the distance imagining his next victims while digging deeper into his own stratum granulosum and pulling out things like spare razor blades. You may call yourself a "superfan", John, but I call you a superfreak. I am beyond excited for your pending trial, conviction and appeal. The drama!

Get those feeds already. What the hell are you waiting for?


  1. That dude is massively creepy. I feel like I need a wash and I haven't even watched the video yet. Super fan huh? Yeah those always do so well don't they?

  2. OMG! This guy is soooo spastic and I think I love it! This live wire is gonna irritate the hell out of people and I live for that kind of shit!

  3. No way people let him in their mouths with sharp objects.