Thursday, June 30, 2011

Keith: Keeping His Pimp Hand Strong

Keith is a 32 year old Human Resources Manager from Bolingbrook, Illinois and he is going to get on my every last nerve. He's a bit of a stammerer and it's kind of unnerving to listen to. "I'm a uh uh uh H.R. professional and umm uh uh I can I can I can I can read people very well and a homina homina homina Evel Dick." Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.

As a religious man (Oh Christ!), Keith has no intentions of calling people out or talking badly about his fellow Houseguests. He won't be saying words like "shitdick", "cuntrag" or "festerpussy". His Christianity guides him and there's definitely a line drawn in the sand (probably the same sand with those silly footprints in it), but he'll still play the game and backstab. He'll just do it in a "different kind of way". How else do you backstab? Knife. Back. Stab. Hmmm, I'll go down to my laboratory and try to figure out a new way to backstab. I'll get back to you later with the results.

This devout Christian not only plans to bring his bible with him, but he plans on doing the hibbidy gibbidy with a lady friend or two - a WHITE lady friend or two. Bowm chicka wow wow. Yup, Keith's got jungle fever - blonde, brunette, he loves 'em all. No offense, but he's like the last person I want to see dipping his dipstick. I know a lot of Big Brother fans hate the showmances, but I'm all for the random slutty hook ups. I'm just not for Keith's random slutty hook ups. I'm going to call it right now - Keith will be hardcore all over Cassi which makes my hope that Cassi is a lesbian all the more delicious.

Absolutely nothing (other than a tasty piece of white ass) will ever make Keith stray from his religion. Both Ollie and Jameeka were weak. Weak! They gave into the devil and started cursing when put into high pressure situations. Keith isn't like that. Instead he'll just dip his dong into the closest blue-eyed blonde he can find. At least it's not cursing!

Keith isn't only about religion. Oh no sonny jim. Keith has his entire stay in the house all mapped out already. When he's not rubbing his skin against a luscious white girl, he'll be winning competitions, assembling alliances and making his select group of ladies ("Keith's Angels") do all the work for him. He'll have a harem of three who will work the rooms of the Big Brother house at night and then bring all the info they've acquired to Keith the next day. Now, I'm not a genius or anything, but that sounds a lot like what a pimp does. I just hope he does it while wearing platform shoes, bell bottoms and a large brimmed hat with a feather sticking out the top. If your strategy is to keep your pimp hand strong, you might as well go all out. Why the hell not?

Let's drink some Courvoisier and check out his CBS video, shall we?

So, what do we think of the religious fornicator? Personally, I'm not the least bit impressed. I'd like him out sooner than later. Comment it out and let me know your thoughts.

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  1. I think we should avoid the rush and evict his ass now.

  2. I'm not a drinker,but I may have to start...

    Soooooo Mr. Jesus Freak has forgotten all about that whole fornication outside of marriage thingy. Surprise surprise. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH He should be a politician. He states his beliefs....contradicts them with his next burst of dipshittery...and hopes that no one notices.


  3. Hah! He's from a city ~10 miles from where I live. Considering that my city has the highest number of churches per capita in the US of A, I'd say he fits right in. I, on the other hand, do not...and that is why I love the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. Cheers to an entertaining summer and all my fellow heathens! *chugs vodka*

  4. I wonder if CBS is getting the tape recorders ready so Charlie... er Keith can record his messages to his Angels. This "strategy" sounds amazingly like what the Bragade managed to pull off last year but sorry Keith, not happening this year, well not for you. If you make it that far you can tell the jury about how the man held you down, after you are done praying of course.

  5. Can we put his head on a big stick next to Dominic? He is gross...and now I have to shower to get the ickiness off me. Blech.

  6. Um, NO! No NO NO No NO! This guy is gonna irriate the shit out of me! Most naive player of all time. I predict he will run his mouth, overplay, get pissed when he can't get his pimp skills to work for him, and throw a fit. I also think he has an issue with his sexuality. No one preens as much as this goober if they actually believe they got game. He will butt heads with Lawon, for sure. Yeah, he has got to G-O go!

  7. I love how he just assumes three women from the house will want to get their hands dirty for him...

    All I have to say is that he better REALLY taste like chocolate or he isn't getting anywhere with his plan.

  8. This it the token "Christian" this year? And there is another shithead that looks (and likely acts as stupid) out there?

    So, his game it to be the Black version of Lucifer from Survivor? Lotsa luck, dumbass!

    I agree, let's evict his ass BEFORE the show even starts!

    It's jerkoff's like this guy who give us guys a bad name.

  9. Yet another hypocritical"cafeteria Christian " always picking and choosing what's morally right based on what's convenient for him. He better keep his ashy peen in his pants. I bet he'll be the first to ask the girls " so what kind of guys ya into?" Ewww.