Monday, August 10, 2009

America's Next Top Racist - Part 1

(I wanted to use America's Next Top Terrorist as my title, but my buddy Simon over at the wonderful already snagged it - damn you! *shakes fist in the air* ;-))

Just when you thought things (i.e. Chima) couldn't get any uglier, bitch manages to top herself tenfold. You know when you get out of the shower and your hair is giving you the best day ever or you try on your skinny jeans and your butt is looking kapow! Maybe you finally pen that little ditty you've been working or the significant other you've had your eye on calls and rocks your world. Everything just falls into place. Everything just seems right. It's like manna from heaven for the undernourished. I feel all sorts of joy when Chima, the self proclaimed poster girl for the "equality for everyone" party, implicates herself over and over and over as an ignorant racist. The things she says are vile, repugnant, and very very very ugly and they all succeed in making her vile, repugnant, and very very very ugly. My hypocradar (for those of you who are new - this is the elaborate dolphin like sonar radar system thingie implanted in my brain to spot a hypocrite at thousands of miles away) loves Chima. My human side loathes her.

The day began with some trash talking. Russell has been calling Chima a Chia Pet and, I'm quite positive, bitch has been called that on the outside a time or two. Chima joked around about doing America's Next Top Model or something because this season in the "short" season (you have to be 5'7" or under - yes, Tyra's lost her ever loving mind) and Chima is a very short girl. Bitch is also 34. Look honey, your modeling days are WAY past you. Oh and you're not the least bit pretty so just continue to dream of Tyra if you can dream underneath that dead animal that sits upon your head and get over yourself. YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE! So yeah, the tension was thick and the weather pattern, moon phase, and planetary alignment were all ripe for a showdown.

The Haves were getting ready to go see The Goods and all hell breaks loose. Russell is goading Chima making fun of her for wanting to be on America's Next Top Model. Chima strikes back saying, "And you should have been on America's Next Top Terrorist!" *pause for jaws hitting the floor* Oh no she di'in't! Oh yes she did! It was ON bitches! Chima starts calling Russell a terrorist to HIS FACE! Now she's put a new twist on it though. The very astute tweeter Cfahooligan informed me that Kevin had told Chima that maybe she shouldn't call Russell a terrorist anymore. Chima said she'll just spin it and say he's been terrorizing the house instead. She has essentially PREPLANNED a way for her to spout her racial remarks without implicating herself as a racist. Unbelievable. I really hate this bitch. I don't care how emotional her rape story was or how much CBS wants me to like her (What the hell was up with that show last night choosing to show her rape story now - WEEKS after she told it? It's a good thing they didn't show that prior to the Wizard Power vote. Major fail CBS.). I HATE HER and want her gone as soon as possible. Oh the plans I have for you Chima...

(I love this screenshot of the fight)

Russell is trying to get a word in edgwise, but Chima has taken to putting her hands over her ears and screaming "lalalalalalalalalalalala..." like a petulant child. Bitch can dish it, but she can't take it. Before we get FoTH, Russell manages to get in, "I'm glad America saw it. The true racist ladies and gentlemen.". And see it we did. Twitterers were PISSED. Chatters were PISSED. My no-no went numb. Does Chima seriously think she can get away with calling someone a terrorist on TV with no reprecussions at all? Bitch is fucking dumb if she thinks we prefer her over Russell. Jordan, brainiac extraordinaire, spent from tucking in her shirt, looks around herself wide-eyed and asks" Why is he mad?"Jordan go back to your cloudy puffy shiny land of nothingness and just never speak again. For those of you who missed it and want to witness all the hate for yourself, here it is:

(Thank you Shea!)

Dear Chima, You are a racist. Burn in hell, Lala.

After that they actually manage to go watch The Goods without killing each other. I wonder how thick the tension was in that room. Anyhow, Lydia is retelling the whole fight to Kevin (he was sleeping) and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I actually think she's taking Chima's side. Damn you Lydia! I have to put a major strike against you now. Lydia tells Kevin that Russell had said he only has 5 days left in the house and he's determined to play them out as "the villian". He said, "Everybody loves a villain". Kevin muses that if Russ dares to say anything about Chima in his speech on Thursday that CBS better have the fish (FoTH) ready. Can I just say (again) that Thursday's show is going to be the BEST EVER IN BB HISTORY?!?

(Special note for BB fans in Boston or Philly: You may not be able to see the live show on CBS on Thursday. Football might preempt your viewing. Fly to another state or visit this site online to witness all the madness:

Lydia changes topics and tells Kevin, "Don't be mad at me, but I snuggled with Jessie" Lydia you don't have to worry about Kevin being mad at you... you have to worry about ME being mad at you! Why are you letting this Manbeast fuck with you? Lydia is one of those girls I can see staying in abusive relationship and blaming herself for it. It makes me very sad and disappointed to see women let men walk all over them.

At about this time on the feeds, The Pivert tweeted about his BB appearance. Here's what he said: @jeremypiven: My completely surreal experience has been documented and will be on tonight at 8pm on CBS

Lydia tries to retell the terrorist fight to Kevin and we get fish. CBS will continue to give use fish whenever the word terrorist comes up. Chima crossed the line and now live feeders everywhere have to suffer. Anyone mad about getting fish all the time, blame Chima! It's her fault. She took things to an ugly racial place and now live feeders are getting punished.

The movie lets out and all seems peaceful. Everyone really seemed to enjoy it and said it was very funny with lots of great comedic bits. Will Farrell has a couple of cameos and Chima gave it 2 thumbs up. The happiness is short lived though because Chima just can't fight her instinct to make everything ugly. She says that Jeremy Piven in the movie was exactly the same as the Jeremy Piven they met. She says, "Maybe he doesn't know how to act." Way to kill everything light and funny Chima. Way to go. I'm Jameeka clapping in your face right now. The others chime in on all things Piven. Lydia wants to date him and Jeff says how in the DR he keeps calling him "JP" like they're best buddies or something. Thank you Jeff. Thank you for bringing the comedy back.

Meanwhile Jordan is inside with Ragamuffin and Manbeast. She's telling them a story about being bullied in school by some evil Seniors when she was a Sophomore. My IQ drops when Jordan speaks. Her southern drawl gets thicker and clouds begin to roll into my fragile egg shelled mind (totally stole that from Jim Morrison). The story she tells sounds like a Lifetime movie and had something to do with fat girls, her sister, bullying, getting drunk, getting retribution, being kicked out of some establishment and a bunch of other crap that just made no sense. Women in the chats actually said, "Isn't she delightful? I could listen to her all day." Ummm no she is not delightful. She's an idiot. Sure, she's very cute and very funny, but she's about as bright as a lightbulb smashed into a million pieces. It scares me. It really scares me that someone as stupid as she is matriculates in society. I'm putting this out there right now. I do not want Jordan to win this season of Big Brother. Being dumb should not be rewarded. She can hang in for awhile, but, by no means, do I want her stupidity to be awarded with cash. Now that I've said that she'll probably win. It happens every year.

Out in the BY, Chima is foaming at the mouth drinking her Riesling. She started drinking during the movie and hasn't stopped. When Chima drinks, my pet monkey throws his shit at me. She's mumbling something about how Russell was offended she called him a "motherfucker". When Chima says motherfucker in that shrill voice of hers, I claw my face off like that dude did in POLTERGEIST. Chunks of flesh fall into the bathroom sink and maggots begin to crawl all over my chicken. It's just what happens. Life is so unfair. Chima says, "He just twists my words. I give up. Why do I even bother arguing with him?" Well, princess, you keep arguing with him because you're in love with him and you're pissed off he wants nothing to do with your stank ass. That's why, you miserable cunt rag. Chima says that if Julie asks her about terrorist comments on Thursday that she'll reply with "Semantics baby." Kevin assures her that CBS won't touch the terrorist thing with a 10 foot pole.

The conversation goes further downhill when Lydia eggs Chima on saying that Russell apparently said yesterday that Lydia looked like she should "be in Baghdad" because she was wearing Kevin's head scarf thing. Russell also insulted India (even though no one Indian is in the house) saying that the culture is stupid, but the girls dress pretty. Now I have no idea if Russell said these things. He probably did. It's too random to make up. Yes, it makes me angry he said that and he should be held accountable. Do you guys remember those awful redheads on the last season of Amazing Race? The ones who complained in every new country they went to and delighted in belittling and insulting their cab drivers? I HATED them. They physically made me ill. When people think their culture is superior to someone else's I begin to strangle my pet leprechaun. He gets very angry with me and starts shouting Celtic curses while kicking his tiny feet against my abdomen. It's not a pretty sight. For the sake of Mr. O'Shaunessy, everyone everywhere needs to stop the intolerance. It's ugly! And if you are an intolerant prick then you should never leave your rathole of a home and visit another country. Just lock yourself in your basement, sit underneath your Confederate flag, and jack off to porn all day. That's all you're good for.

Chima then gave everyone watching a good laugh by saying that America proabably hates Russell. She says, "Maybe they don't like me, but they hate Russell more." I'll pause so everyone can finish their fit of hysterics... Chima defends herself by comparing herself to Kathy Griffin. Oh you better back the fuck up bitch. You are NO Kathy Griffin. (If she ever visits your town, I highly recommend seeing her live) Chima says that Kathy Griffin became famous by making fun of people and that people will see Chima the same way. Put down the crack pipe Chima. Place it gently on the table and just walk away. She concludes her inane diatribe with, "Come on America, you know he's a terrorist." And... cue the fish!

Bitch is relentless and exhausting. She continues to talk smack and manages to shock everyone yet again. Chima says, "I've been beat up in my life. This man can't do that. He can hit me if he wants to. I can spit on him. The world knows my story now. If he hits me, the producers will be forced to kick him out." And we get fish. I know. I know dear readers. I'm very aware of the fact that Chima is now using her brutal attack as some sort of leverage. She thinks it gives her justification. I'm officially disgusted now. You'd think after someone attacks you and almost kills you that you'd loathe any and all violence. You'd do your damndest to advocate that violence never enters your life again. Now I've never been attacked by a serial killer so maybe I'm just ignorant, but is anyone else floored that Chima wants Russell to hit her?

For the next several hours, Chima just doesn't stop. She continues to gloat in her HOH with anyone who will listen. At this point, I'm literally ecstatic for Jeff to use that Wizard Power and make Chima look more like a fool than before. I repeat, if Jeff doesn't use that Wizard Power, he's dead to me. I will hate him forever.

(ooops another tweetdeck update snuck in there somehow)

Chima and Natalie are sitting in the HOH bed together causing squirrels to hurl themselves off of the highest limbs. They've demanded that Jessie make them dinner and when he delivers it, they bitch that it's cold and that there's no salt and pepper. Jessie is unamused. They make him take their meals back downstairs to reheat. Natalie says, "I knew it would be cold." Oh just die bitches. Seriously, turn to dust right now and disappear forever.

OK guys. I'm doing a 2 parter today. There's a lot to discuss and I still haven't even gotten to the late night stuff. I'm starting Part 2 right now and will tweet when it's ready.

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  1. When this BITCH is eliminated, I'm calling Ross's show and reminding the ignorant tramp that due to all the many stigmas and past racial intolerance that has befallen us, we African-Americans should be leading the charge for equality. She may not care what I think of her, but racism must be called out for what it is. I want, nay, need to be the one to tell that shrew what she is. I hope her mother only watches the CBS version.

  2. wow. how magical are you! I ask for 2 blogs a day and I recieve! LOL

  3. Hey Colette, Hilarious read like always. I cannot believe Chima said those things. Don't think there is many chima fans left out there now, I will admit I was at first but no so much anymore.

    "Chima and Natalie are sitting in the HOH bed together causing squirrels to hurl themselves off of the highest limbs." I'm still laughing at this sentence man your blog is funny!

  4. I can't wait to read your blog everyday! I just have to read it out loud to anyone in the room! It's to good to just enjoy by myself, I have to share!
    Chima is a disgrace to women in any country! I can't stand her..using her attack is just plain sick...I will be so happy to see her leave the house...her and that rats nest on her head!
    Thanks for the best blog ever!


  5. Great, Lala. You hit the Chima nail on the head. What a class A bitch. I'm not fond of Russel, but I do want to see him laugh Chia Bitch out the door. As for CBS, they can kiss my ass. I'm so so sick of those fish, I may never eat them again. Get some balls CBS, let it play, shut her up or kick her sorry ass out. And if Jeff don't use his power, he can go with her....Love ya, Babe

  6. The idea that Russell is an on-and-off misogynist confuses me. Is he a misogynist when he fights women and not a misogynist when he fights men? Or is every man who argues with a woman a misogynist even when he doesn't attack her gender?

    He's argued with Jeff, Ronnie, Chima, Michelle, and he screamed at Lydia from two rooms away after his teammates were hounding him all night and she was the only one who confronted him (he would have screamed at anyone in that house who spoke up). Considering the house has always had more women than men, and by the time he got in an argument with his first woman there were only four men left, it's just sheer numbers.

  7. Ed, Russell has attacked a woman's gender several times as a matter of fact. He's had many conversations with Jessie about how women are too emotional and don't deserve to win this game and are just bitches. I base my opinion on this fact and only this fact. He hasn't done it all the time, I'll give you that, but he has done it.

  8. Point taken, somewhat agreed. But every woman in the house except for Jordan and Laura has said worse about men in general, so I'm not too sympathetic.

  9. Lala, I love your blog. You have me in tears reading your opinions of the show. I think Chima is having a psychotic breakdown or something. I cannot believe that SHE of all people would be calling people racial slurs and hoping that someone would be raped. I cannot wait until she gets out of the show and everyone rips her ass to shreds over her comments. I am a Black woman and she is an embarassment. Watching her is like a bad horror movie.