Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Shall We Play A Game?

(First person who can name the movie where my title quote comes from wins nothing, but gets my appreciation)

A whole lot of nothing. That's what's been happening. A big pile of shite. A big pile of stinking fly buzzing shite.

Oh a girl as dumb as a box of rocks shaved her legs... in the backyard... almost squiritng herself in the face... with a goddamn garden hose!

Oh and she didn't rinse the razor off once... not ONE time. She just kept shaving away without a care in the world. If this idiot wins this game, I swear to god... I'm gonna flip out.

It also appears as if BB has told Chima to stop calling Russell a terrorist. She tells Jessie in bed that she can't call him that anymore. It won't last. She'll call him a terrorist on Thursday when he's taken off the block by Jeff. I can't wait. Jeff will stand up and mumble something about being the Wizard then Chima will stand up and point at him and shriek, "If you take him off the block, that makes you a terrorist sympathizer!" Then she'll turn to Russell and scream, "Terrorist! Terrorist!" Yeah, that's totally how it's going down. Drinking game for Thursday will be to take a shot everytime Chima says "terrorist" or gets bleeped. Just go ahead and get a gallon of your favorite liquor for that night. You'll need it.

What else? What else? Oh Jeff got another day on slop because he took a sip of Gatorade. Chatters are all pissed because Lydia was the one who called him out. I don't think she did it on purpose. They were sitting in the backyard chilling and Jeff chugs some Gatorade. Lydia says, "Jeff, what are you doing? You can't drink that!" In all honesty, if it was me, I would have done the exact same thing. I'd absolutely call out someone for cheating ESPECIALLY if I was on slop too. If Lydia had been a HAVE, then I'd say she was a bitch for calling him out, but she's also a HAVE-NOT so she has every right. Natalie is more the slop police than anyone else. She's like a glorified hall monitor when it comes to all things Have/Have-Not.

Russell decided to catch a bug in a plastic baggie. A cricket or a grasshopper I think. I wonder what his plans are for it??? Maybe he'll put it in Chima's bed or sneak up behind her and stuff it in her weave. That bug could probably live out a happy peaceful on her head. I'm sure there's tons to snack on in there. There's probably already a mate for it there too. Yeah, that bug would have a dream life aboard the Chima Weave Of Love. I have no doubt there's already a thriving bug metropolis in there as we speak.

Later Jordan made a tomato sandwich, but she forgot one crucial ingredient. Care to guess which one? Yup, TOMATO! I swear to you people, I'm not making this up. I mean I'm good, but I'm not that good.

Later the HG's play a game where they answer questions on cards. The questions are supposed to be thought provoking I think. Didn't Alyssa Milano have a book of questions on an episode of CHARMED? I'm sure she did. If there's one thing I know, it's my CHARMED trivia.

Lydia and Chima are discussing how they've been making Jessie food and Jeff says, "Who loves him more? That's one of the questions on the cards!" LOL Touche Jeffie Pooh. Touche. Natalie chimes in and says, "Jordan. She left you and went to Jessie." (stab yourselves in the hearts Jeff/Jordan fans)

Lydia asks: Is there a soul mate for each person?
Jeff: There's 2 soul mates for each person! (ba dum bum!)
Lydia: Oh come oooon!
Natalie: I have a soul mate at home and his name is Jason.
Then Jessie took the grilled cheese Chima made him and shoved it up his ass.

The HG's decide to play Table Topics in an organized fashion. Up until now Natalie keeps yelling at everyone and trying to take over. They make it mandatory and say it's going to be run like a POV meeting. Jessie says in a sing songy voice, "Hey everybody, it's time for the Table Topics Meeting..." Natalie tries to take over as emcee, but Lydia quickly snatches the cards out of her hands and gives her a wet willy (maybe?).

Typically, I'd need to embellish the dialogue, but trust me when I say this game verbatim is entertaining enough. No embellishments needed.

Lydia: What are the redeeming qualites of the person you most dislike?
Chima: Cackle cackle cackle, Yeah where's Russell?!?
Natalie: Noooooooo You need to do it this way.
Lydia: Shush!
Jeff: Russell?!?
Kevin: What would be his most redeeming quality?
Chima: Ummmm that he's not in the room.

Lydia: Would you prefer money for a housekeeper, a cook, a gardener, or a personal secretary?
Natalie: Would I prefer money for what?
Natalie: Ohhhh uhhhh a cook.
Kevin: Why?
Natalie: Because I can't cook.

Lydia: Jessie, if you had a boat what would you name it?
Jessie: Little shoutie!
Lydia: What he calls his car.
Kevin: You can't use the same name!

Jessie: In your opinion what are the 7 wonders of the world?
Jeff: Jessie doesn't count.
Lydia: Definitely ok sex, rock and roll, umm the pyramids in Egypt, Dalai Lama, make-up, candy, Disneyland.

(I totally agree with Disneyland. I freaking love it there. When I was little I was being a total bitch one day at Disneyland and my mom thought it would be funny to take me on Space Mountain. She thought it would scare me into being a little angel. It was dark and windy and loud with the space shuttles whizzing by in the blackness. I was petrified as we approached the roller coaster. Once aboard I screamed in delight telling my mom it was BEST RIDE IN THE WORLD! My mom was so pissed. I begged to go on it again. She just snatched my arm and dragged me off to Adventureland. I love everything about Disneyland - even the stupid Lincoln dummy who talks. You go see him when it's too hot and you need an air conditioned rest. Disneyland rocks.)

Lydia: What's the temptation you find hardest to resist?
Kevin: Tempation? Oooooh anything of the ass variety.
Jeff: Ass variety?
Kevin: That's the type of temptation.

Lydia: Which vice would you indulge in if it had no negative side effects?
Jordan stares ahead blankly. "Vice" is too big a word for her.
Lydia: So something naughty, if you could indulge in something naughty without any bad things happening, what would it be?
Jordan continues to stare wondering what "indulge" means.
Jessie: Like every single cookie in the world.
Jeff: Or drugs
Jordan: I don't knoooooooow.
Chima: What's your vice? Is it sweets or drugs?
Lydia: Or sex?
Natalie: Or gambling?
Jordan: Definitely not sex. Probably eatin' chocolate.

Lydia: Which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?
Jeff: Ummm, whew, probably like a city?
Lydia: Yeah, which piece of land would you wish to have preserved forever?
Jeff: Can I say like Rome? Yeah, that's cool Rome.
Jessie: Why don't you say the land around your house or something?

Lydia: OK Michele what has been the most spiritual experience of your life?
Michele: Oh ummm like a heavy duty thing?
Jessie: Seriously
Michele: Ummm hearing the Dalai Lama speak.
Lydia: Woooooooooow
Kevin: Shut the fuck up!
Michele: He spoke at a Society For Neuroscience convention a couple years back and I was like 2 rows in front of him chewing my face off and pointing to my no-no. Lama totally dug it.
(OK so maybe a teeny portion of that was fabricated)

Kevin: Lydia, which celebrity do people say you resemble?
Lydia: I don't know!
Jeff: You just looked at yourself. Who did you see?
Natalie: That girl who was married to Flavor Flav.
Lydia: Brigitte Nielson?
Natalie: There you go.
Jeff: Who do you feel? It's your question.
Lydia: When I have long hair it could be Hannah Montana.

Here we go....

Lydia: OK Jordo, what's your dream job?
Jordan: Dental Hygienist
Lydia: Your dream job?
Kevin: Your dream job?
Jeff: I already knew that!
Jordan: Yeah, I've always wanted to do it.
Chima: I thought you said you wanted to be a broadcaster.
Jordan: Well, that's like a backup.
Jeff: You should be friends with that guy on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He wanted to be a dentist. You ever see the claymation movie? That guy!
Jordan: And I also thought about ummm....
Jessie: A monster truck driver?
Jordan: A radiat... oh ummm what is it? Radiology? Like you know doing ummm uhhh mammograms.
Lydia: You just want to do something where you get to wear glasses and a coat.
Jordan: No, like you can wear scrubs everyday to work and can get like paid good and you don't have to depend on anyone.

Lydia: Michele, if you could work as an assistant for anyone in the world, who would you work for?
Michele: Gwen Stefani! I love her.

OK I'm sorry, but my head just exploded. There's brain matter being flung around the room from the ceiling fan above me. I can't listen to this anymore. Let's change gears.

Natalie, Lydia, Jessie, Kevin are convinced Michele is lying about where she works. Apparently, she lives in Pasadena and they think she walks to work. Lydia says there's a NASA center in Pasadena. They think Michele works on people's brains rather than rats. Seriously? You people think Ass Licker actually works amongst humans? Hell no! She's locked in a room with only her tiny rat friends to keep her company. She speaks her own special rat language to them and licks all their asses when no one is looking. Little does she know that her labratory is covered in closed circuit cameras and that all the security men pass around the Michele Ass Licking tapes at their weekend poker games. She's a legend in the rent-a-cop world.

Lydia tells the others how Russell calls Chima Chia pet and say she's a cackling witch who has Natalie and Jessie wrapped aroung her finger. He's 100% so far. He also said that Lydia was a cry baby and that Jeff and Jordan are the only nice ones. Natalie tells Lydia that Russell said to watch out for Lydia and that she'll do anything to stay in the game including using her body. He said that Lydia offered to get in the shower with him that first week so he'd use the veto. Lydia listens to all of this and says, "Oh really?" Russell isn't telling any lies there and I was excited to see someone use sex as a tool in the game. Little did I know that Lydia was a insecure time bomb who needs the approval of men to get herself through the day.

They discuss how Russell is planning to go off on Kevin. Upon hearing this, Kevin says, "Still?" Jessie tells him, "Don't worry. I got you." Anyone else think Natalie, Jessie, Kevin and Lydia make a really weird foursome? It's unsettling. I HATE that Kevin is siding with Chima and that he's dragged Lydia along for the ride. They go on to dicuss how Russell will probably wear his fedora on Thursday because he's breaking out everywhere, "He has craters. He has like Mars and Jupiter." Jessie says the stress is getting to Russell, "He's bugging out." Interesting choice of words.

Then the conversation actually gets interesting. They all talk about how they want Sushi. Jessie says a Sushi party would be the best. Lydia tells Natalie they'll have to lay her down naked and put Sushi all over her body in strategic places. Ok seriously, the blood vessels in my eyes just burst. Natalie says she'd do it. She'd do anything for Sushi right now. THEN Jessie brings up sex. He says thinking about sushi is like thinking about sex. Once you start doing it, you can't stop. Natalie says she's not like that with sex at all. Kevin says girls don't think about sex as much as guys do. Lydia says, "Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?" Jessie says, "It's been like a month and a half." Oh really Jessie? According to my calculations it's been a couple weeks. Who on the outside world, in their right mind, without $500,000 at stake, would sleep with Jessie? Oh that's right... Manchelle.

Ragamuffin finally puts 2 and 2 together and says, "You just said it's been a month and a half and you don't even have a girlfriend. So you say you just sleep around with random girls?" Her horns begin to emerge and she starts to drool. Jessie says it's called self preservation. Ragamuffin starts to grow hair on her knuckles and says, "So you sleep with people you're not even in a relationship with?" Jessie does the equivalent of sticking a stake in her heart and says, "Man I'd hate to be your husband then if you could go a month and a half without sex." Clear the decks! Hide your children! A rabid Ragamuffin will be grabbing her crotch up and down the formerly peaceful streets of your neighborhood. She's going to kill your kittens and leave long trails of drool all over your front porches.

Then Natalie says she's not going to lie and say she hasn't had sex with her boyfriend but that you should wait until to marriage. Kevin, bless his heart, says, "Do blow jobs count?" He then goes on to sneakily address the huge elephant in the room. He says, "When girls have sex with a man they get emotionally involved." Jessie replies, "No they get too controlling." *bites fist* Lydia just sits there quietly not saying a word and then later calls Natalie out for being a hypocrite. Natalie thinks that one should wait until marriage yet she herself hasn't waited. Lydia then says that some women use sex as a tool of negotiation. Hmmm ok, yes they do and it would have been nice had you been able to pull it off Lydia, but instead you got attached to a hairless Manbeast!

You can choose to cover your ears or eyes here if you want. Jessie talks about giving girls orgasms. He insists no one has ever faked it with him, "the screaming, the convulsions". I know, ewwww, just ewwww. He says, "When you can paint the walls with the squealing..." Jessie, honey, those girls are probably screaming for you to STOP touching them down there. It's like that Seinfeld episode where George tries to do Jerry's move and adds a knuckle. "It feels like aliens are invading my body." Sometimes girls squirm when they want you to stop. I'm quite positive that's what's going on with Jessie when it comes to bedroom activities. I refuse to believe Jessie has the first inkling on how to please a woman. Jessie just doesn't get that girls fake it to appease a man. He says he doesn't care if he gets off, he just wants the girl to enjoy herself. Let's all roll our eyes together. Yeah riiiiiiiiiiiight. The Two Pump Chump likes to please his ladies. (The phrase Two Pump Chump is copyrighted by Jediaces. Any use of the phrase must be obtained by specifc permission from the one and only Jediaces or else he'll beat you up.)

Lydia, the precious angel she is, says, "Do you know how many times I've faked it?" AHAHAHAHA!!!!! Thank you Lydia. Thank you. Jessie says, "Ok I'm not going entertain the thought that you guys think something I know to be true. Whatever." He starts to pout over the revelation that women may fake it. Lydia says, "Well then I'm glad you're confident in your abilities." The subtext is genius. You can't listen to this coversation without reading between the lines.

The conversation gets even better. Jessie insists he's made girls squirt. Still... I REFUSE to believe Jessie is good in the sack. It goes against everything that's good and holy in the world. Precious little ponies just collectively hurled themselves off of a cliff. I think he just must have seen that in a porno somewhere. The topic of discussion turns to spit or swallow. Natalie says, "Of course, spit." then she backtracks and says, "Who says I even do that?" I think what's going on with Natalie here is that she wants to join in the convo, but realizes that her dad is probably watching so she clams up and gets all shy. Jessie says if you eat pineapple it makes it taste better. Excuse me, I have to go vomit now. Another mission to save the muffin has failed. Pineapple? I knew Jessie drank his own junk. I can totally see him doing that. OK I apologize. This has totally gone to an ugly place. I'll end this here.

Oh wait... one more thing. Natalie tells Lydia that if she was into dating girls, she'd date Lydia. She says Lydia intrigues her and then Jessie's head explodes. Natalie says, "Everyday you're growing on me more." HA! Did I not say that in my pre pre BB11 predictions? I said I saw some hot love between Lydia and Natalie totally happening. Before the season started I said I wanted some Natalie/Lydia girl on girl action. It soon morphed into me wanting Lydia/Jordan girl on girl action and since then, I admit, I've totally given up, but that doesn't negate the fact that I'm a total genius with secret magical powers like John Edwards, James Van Praague or Lisa Williams.

OK let's play a little game amongst all of us. It'll be our own Table Topics. Here are your questions. Answer in the comments.

1) What would be your dream job?
2) If you could be an assistant to anyone in the world, who would it be?
3) What vice would you indulge in if it had no side effects?
4) What was your most spiritual experiece?
5) Who is the celebrity you most resemble?

I'll go first:

1) Travel Journalist a la Anthony Bourdain - intellectual, funny, hip, world traveled
2) Someone who travels a lot and lives an opulent lifestyle. Maybe Tony Robbins or Richard Branson. Someone who'd inspire me in the workplace.
3) Drugs. Who am I kidding?
4) Summer Solstice on top of the Glastonbury Tor
5) If Shakira and Jenna Jameson had a mutant child...

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  1. Congratulations Tatum! You just won nothing. If I had a prize I'd give it to you, but I don't so you get my respect instead. Enjoy it.

  2. 1) Dental Hygienist
    2) ColetteLala
    3) Ritalin
    4) First time I ____
    5) Ronnie Talbott

  3. gina says...
    1) What would be your dream job? Have passport will travel...would like to go and help...missionary

    2) If you could be an assistant to anyone in the world, who would it be? Today I'd pick Ray Vanderlaun and be mixing travel with Biblical and ancient history. Ask me again tomorrow and it might be something different...would still involve travel and history and cultures...Maybe i should have become an anthropologist..

    3) What vice would you indulge in if it had no side effects? ice cream! it's important I retain my girlish figure!! I love sweets.

    4) What was your most spiritual experiece? The times I've truly felt the presence of God

    5) Who is the celebrity you most resemble? I don't look like a celebrity, but one time Col told me that my avatar really looked like me. I'm dating myself here...but when I was in college people thought I looked like Kristy McNichol...I have no idea where that chick is today.

  4. Hooded, you're hired. Your uniform is a loin cloth and I'd like my xanax crushed and sprinkled in my champagne every morning as I wake. You'll also be responsible for making sure I never pass out in my baths and that my thongs are all organized by color. I pay minimum wage, but give excellent Arbor Day bonuses.

  5. Ok I'll play

    1.)Head writer for a Soap Opera or Television Drama or Comedy
    2.)Joss Whedon. My hero and idol.
    3.)Drugs 100%
    4.)I got really sick once and I think I died for a few seconds. My life changed 100% after that.
    5.) If Jeneane Garafolo, Sara Gilbert, Patty Duke, Kelly Osbourne and Ann Wilson had a baby it'd be me.
    Good blog today! I laughed so hard...


  6. LaLa - love your blog! You usually sum up just what I am thinking. Your commentary on Table Topics was great. There was one exchange that made me laugh and throw up in my mouth a little bit at the same time. Jesse was the one who read the question about the seven wonders to Lydia. Immediately after he asked her the question he said "And my two fingers better be one of them." What a tool!
    Thanks for taking the time to entertain us everyday!

  7. I'll try,
    1. Playboy bunny.
    2. A vampire, they love the night life.
    3. Acid, was always too afraid.
    4. Still waiting.
    5. My boss doesn't allow mirrors, so I don't know.

    In top form today, Lala. Missed most of convos so really appreciate today's blog.

  8. Colette, I'm in! And don't worry your thongs will never be out of order again, I'll make sure of it! You can count on me...

  9. 1) Spy
    2) Someone who runs off to other countries as often as they can.
    3) Sex, totally. Every which way.
    4) Everytime I discover what makes a new lover orgasm. Puts me in a very good space for days.
    5) After looking at a pic of me for several minutes. I'll say Blair Underwood only 40 - 45% less handsome. (Though probably not really, lol)

  10. Ok is your quote from the awesome movie The Silence of the Lambs? I suck at movie quotes but this sounds familiar. Loved the blog and looking forward to reading your thoughts Friday after the big show Thursday!

    1) What would be your dream job?

    My dream job would be nanny for some millionaire couple cuz I like $$ and prefer kids over most adults.

    2) If you could be an assistant to anyone in the world, who would it be?
    Maybe Michelle Obama....might get some inside Presidential info that way!

    3) What vice would you indulge in if it had no side effects?

    Gotta agree with you, drugs w/out the side effects would be cool.

    4) What was your most spiritual experiece?

    Giving birth at home (accidently, she came way too fast) to my daughter and having my sis tie the cord..

    5) Who is the celebrity you most resemble?

    Really can't think of one,... you stumped me!

  11. 1) Hollywood real estate mogul
    2) Megan Fox
    3) Ecstasy
    4) When my little girl was on life support for a week
    5) I get likened to Russell Crowe all the time. (When I was younger it was Jonathan Brandis... I know, I know)

  12. Oh, and it's WarGames... classic.

  13. you both have issues lol

  14. 1. Navy Pilot, flying F-18's off Aircraft Carriers
    2.I'd like to be Mick Jagger's private secretary and confidante
    3. I'd go back to Marlboro Reds if they had no side effects.
    4. Standing on top of the Great Pyramid at dawn, watching the sunrise and hearing the wailing of the holy men from the minarets.
    6. I always get Jeremy Irons

  15. Colala.
    I've been told that the Jungle Ride in Adventureland is gone..... my favorite ride.

  16. 1. doctors without borders
    2. ellen degeneres
    3. drugs
    4. nothing yet
    5. helen hunt (according to online celebrity face recongition)

    :) awesome blog as usual.

  17. 1. Astronaut
    2. Whoopi Goldberg
    3. If drugs had no side effects there would be no reason to do them.
    4. Can't think of any right now.
    5. A young Delta Burke