RACE To Be The Biggest Douchebag

BB12 contestant Ragan Fox isn't even in the house yet and he's already being labeled a "racist" by some overzealous BB fans. Fucking idiots. The guy is a poet who uses absurdist humor and sarcasm to illustrate a point. The "point" being that idiots, like the 2-dimensional BB fans rushing to put a label on everything, wouldn't know irony if it crawled up their ass, pitched a tent, lit a fire, and roasted marshmallows in there for eternity. I'll bet the same morons running around shouting "Racist!" probably think Sarah Silverman's comedy routine is racist or that Archie Bunker was meant to be taken seriously. Calm down. Grow the fuck up and stop trying to start a controversy where there is none.






Speaking of race related assholeness, can we please address the fact that just about every BB site out there is kissing Chima's ass? What the fuck is going on?!? Am I the only one who remembers what went down on the feeds? I mean, she retweets her own compliments for Chrissake! Keep in mind these are the same sites that called her a racist a year ago. Are memories being erased or is brown nosing now an infectious disease? I, on the other hand, didn't care for her in the house and liked her a lot less when she got out. You won't see me kissing her weave any time soon.

Even though he's in sequester, you can follow Ragan Fox on Twitter @RaganFox.

Better yet, you can follow me on Twitter too! @ColetteLala

Have you forgiven Chima? Do you think Ragan is racist? Comment it out Bitches!

Straight From The Racists Mouth

Our favorite racist has just sent out a tweet linking to this article entitled Big Brother's Chima Simone Addresses Eviction and Racism. She apologizes for calling Russell a terrorist and my only thought is, "What took you so long?" Now I want my apology for you calling us all bitches and inferior. How long do I have to wait for that one Chima?

The article is posted on hollyscoop.com and here's what Chima had to say:

"Upon recently leaving the Big Brother show this season I have been privy to many judgments and criticisms made of every aspect of my being ranging from things as trivial as my appearance to more egregious comments referring to me as a racist.

As a woman of color, I have experienced racism first hand. I know what it is to be discriminated against so I would never want to inflict that pain onto someone else. I will, however, always stand up for myself. Many of you perceive my resolute candor objectionable, but I have always been outspoken and will remain so. I will never apologize for my looks, personality, or straightforwardness.

Nonetheless, I am particularly sorry that my words disparaged the regard and respect that should be shown to all cultures, especially the Middle Eastern community in this time of great turmoil within our nations. In describing Russell’s abusive, bullying, and threatening actions towards me and other houseguests, I referred to him as a terrorist. I used a phrase that was insensitive given his Middle Eastern descent and I apologize to all who are justifiably offended with my use of that racially charged term.

My sentiments concerning his behavior, however, remain intact. I do not agree with his antagonistic rampages throughout the house. Russell constantly demoralized many of us on a consistent basis and his conduct was alarming, daunting, and terrifying.

Fortunately, for me, I do not have to be subjected to those tirades anymore. I am going on with my life in the real world. I wish the remaining BB housemates the best of luck!

Best,

Chima Simone "

So that's it. What do you guys think? Do you think she's genuine? I don't. I think she's trying desperately to save face in the middle of a shit storm she singlehandedly created. I think her apology is a nonapology at best. I'll bet her grandmother yelled at her and forced her to apologize. I'm only hoping she spanked her as well.

Chima's Statement Regarding Her Expulsion

Here it is folks... in Chima's own words:

Chima wrote to the examiner.com and here's what she had to say about her expulsion from the Big Brother house:

"Hi Thomas. Yes, I did in fact quit the show, although there are reports on EW from CBS to the contrary. Big Brother would like everyone to believe I was kicked off for not following the rules, but I went to the producers repeatedly over the past couple of days wanting to leave....wanting out of that house!

As crazy as that house is, the producers NEVER want the world to think or know that we houseguests DO LEAVE when it becomes futile to stay. I lost faith in the show & my ability to remain committed to this game. All of the remaining housemates know I wanted to leave and that is why any conversation concerning me is cut in the live feed because they don't want America to hear the truth about my voluntary departure.

Do you really believe that I would be expelled for tossing my microphone when past houseguests have only been kicked off for violence & threats of violence? You know better, as do I.

It's better that I left. I did what was best for me in this game and that was to leave. When I chose to play & play hard the power I did earn was completely usurped by a game piece never used before in this game and my HOH reign was rendered useless. I have no regrets. As cliche' as it sounds, until the public is a part of a human pressure cooker, then the judgements should cease.

I find it interesting that my personal attacks on Russell have been highlighted, but his attacks on me pushed under a rug. Selective portrayals? I think so. Russell did terrorize the house, especially the women in the house. Why America constantly finds men attacking women okay, yet vilifies the woman defending herself, will always confound me. But what's done is done, now BB fans can find a new woman to hate. I didn't sign up for what I was exposed to & I left gladly. It was the principle of the matter, the $500,000 prize be damned. That's all for now! Take Care...'"

There you have it. What do you guys think?

I believe her about her quitting, but she's completely wrong about the Coup D'Etat never being a game element before. What is Big Brother's motto? EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. America's Player, hidden twins, secret lovers, Coup D'Etat's... outside and hidden factors affect this game ALL THE TIME.

It's shocking she thinks her insults on Russell were justified. And she's wrong about people excusing Russell. I've called him out on his misogyny right here in this little blog of mine. Many people were upset about the things he did. The only thing is that Chima was relentless in her attacks and racist slurs. Russell's were more of a brief outburst (not that that makes them right by any means). I'm pissed she lumps everyone together as accepting of whenever a man attacks a woman. Go fuck yourself Chima. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Rot in hell,

Lala

If you're arriving here late today. Today's recap is entitled ALL ABOARD THE CRAZY TRAIN.

CBS Releases Official Statement Regarding Chima

CBS has issued an official statement regarding Chima:

“Chima has been evicted by the producers from the Big Brother house for violating the rules. She will not be part of the show’s jury. Her eviction will be addressed on an upcoming broadcast of the show.”

This statement conflicts with the previous report by jokers that she quit. Which one do you think is true?

Earlier today Kevin said she was "expelled" and that she's now banned from all Viacom related companies including MTV and VH-1. Good luck with that journalism career bitch!

FYI, Michele is no longer HOH. A new HOH is happening in about an hour. All will be recapped here in glorious bitchy detail.

The Queen Of Racism Has Left The Building!

I don't know why I'm shocked, but I am... CHIMA SIMONE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING! The queen of all things racial and all things dead animal has left the Big Brother house. Did she get kicked out or did she quit? No one really knows, but let's recap what led up to last night's surprising turn of events.

The day started out peaceful enough. Chima denied Russell was ever a Catholic and insists he's really part of some extremist radical Muslim group. Just a typical Friday morning in Chima's racist world. By the way, I'm going to be EXTRA mean today because I hope that racist cunt from hell reads this. Chima, you disgusting ignorant little piece of filth, Lebanon has a HUGE Christian population and has had since the year 1 A.D.. I know this because I went to Catholic schools all my life and many of the students were Lebanese with very strict Catholic upbringing. I remember in the 80's praying in school for a student whose family was trapped in Beirut. Just because you don't understand something and are too fucking ignorant to ask questions and do a little research before opening your stank ass giant lipped vaccuous mouth doesn't mean it's evil. For someone who prides themself on being a "strong woman", you are weak and pathetic and disgusting for using the language you did and making the accusations you did in the house. You are an embarassment to your family. Your grandmother seemed very lovely with a good head on her shoulders and even she was ashamed of you... your own family! I'm wondering if you actually thought America would side with you when you called Russell a terrorist. Are you that stupid to think that any part of you is the least bit likable?

Chima's nonsense yesterday morning didn't stop there. She also called Jeff anti-women - I'm assuming this is because, oh I don't know, Jeff played the game and made Chima essentially powerless. Chima, precious, if you had won the Wizard Power (although you never would because America loathes you with a passion), you would have used it in a heartbeat! Don't fool yourself into thinking that you wouldn't if it could have helped your game in any way. You're just mad that Jeff pulled a fast one on you and that your HOH reign was essentially a farce. You sat up in that tower of yours mouthing off on Russell nonstop for a week gloating about how you were going to send him home and, in the end, none of your talk amounted to anything of value. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Do you have any idea how happy America was that you were powerless? While you were perched on your throne of shit gloating, we were sitting at home laughing our asses off at how pathetic you were. Thanks for the good times you racist piece of shit.

I have many African American readers and not one of them has EVER come to your defense. The consensus was always that you brought shame to yourself and your heritage. Sure, it's sad you were raped and almost killed, but that doesn't mean that you are now exempt from being judged. It doesn't give you carte blanche to act like a psychotic little hose beast who can criticize an entire nation of people. Hey Chima, come here a second, I want to tell you something. Did you know that Braden now has to have a bodyguard everywhere he goes because he called someone a Beaner on national TV? It's true. He said it himself the other night on blogtalk radio. I'll bet you live your life in a pretty scary paranoid way after what happened to you when you were in college. Guess what buttercup? Your life is about to become your own personal hell. Not only have you offended Muslims, but you've offended Catholics and the Lebanese. I'm forgetting a group or two, aren't I? Oh yeah... AIDS patients and MEN. You thought the Big Brother house was hard? LOL. Wait til you encounter the real world my dear. You have NO idea what lies ahead of you.

OK so yesterday was the Have/Have-Not competition and instead of being placed into winners and losers, the HG's played to win food for various days of the week. They won food for all days except one. Kevin and Lydia have to take cold showers and the whole house won a grill. Now I'm wondering, as I'm sure all of you are, if the competition went this way because of Chima threatening to leave if she was a Have-Not. Honestly, I don't know. I wouldn't put it past Big Brother to try to make her happy. They did it with her HOH luxuries and they did it after her mockery of a reign. I want to know what makes that ugly little troll of a racist so goddamn special. Seriously, why is making her happy so important? America hates her, I hate her, and vile behavior should never be rewarded. Anyhow, when the competition was over the HG's were greeted with a smaller dining room table and it was very exciting for everyone. The changing of the tables are big milestones in the house.

In anticipation of the pending nominations some people decided to bite the bullet and go talk to the freak residing in the HOH. She's wearing latex pants (no doubt left for her with all her sex toys in the HOH gift basket) and hooker heels. Russell told Michele to put up Kevin and Chima. Michele just nodded and stuck her fingers in her ears while making a puffy face. She rubbed lotion all over her shiny pants and worked herself into a frenzy with her butt plug. Russell just sat and watched with a horrified expression on his face.

Later Natalie went up to the HOH and was thoroughly pissed off to find out Michele was putting her on the block. She grabs her crotch a lot and snarls through strands of drool. She tried to make a plea for safety but it was peppered with so many uhhhhs and ummmmms that Michele just ended up sitting there confused playing with her nipples. Natalie kept bringing up the fact that Michele shouldn't forget how Russell called her crazy only a few days ago. She tells Michele that she's willing to go up next to Russell if she has to. She says, “You haven’t screwed me thus far in this game. I’m going after the people who directly screwed me and those are Jeff and Russell. I’m not even going after Jordan. She hasn’t done anything to me yet.” Michele assures Natalie that she is NOT the intended target at all and that she's giving Natalie a chance to win POV and remove herself. Michele says if she wanted Natalie to go home, she'd just backdoor her.

Next it's our resident racists turn. Chima claws her way into the HOH all lips a blazing. She begins by kissing ass in a totally pathetic and transparent way. Michele just cuts to the chase (she's got a vibrator she hasn't used yet on deck and she's very antsy to break it in) and tells Chima that she doesn't want Russell to go home yet. Russell has promised her safety next week and she's going to go with that. Michele says, "If I get Russell out, Jeff will come after me." Chima replies, "Jeff won't go after you, he'll come after me." Chima goes on to tell Michele that Russell thinks she's nuts and calls her Cuckoo Bird, "He doesn't want a woman to win. He doesn't even like women. He's a misogynist." Chima compares Michele not putting up Russell to the cast of BB8 not putting up Evel Dick. They were scared to put him up and he ended up winning. Chima thinks the same thing will happen with Russell.

Chima is relentless. She goes on to say that Michele was "Team Get Russ Out as of yesterday up until it didn't happen". Chima says if Russ stays in the house he will convince Jeff to go after Michele. His M.O. is to "divide and conquer". He did it with Ronnie and he'll do it with Michele. Chima could actually be right about the "divide and conquer" thing, but it doesn't really matter because she'll always be a cunt rag to me. She tells Ass Licker that if she wins HOH next week she will go after Jeff and Jordan simply because Jeff used the Coup D'Etat. Why is she playing so personal? Yes, she should go after Jeff and Jordan. Everyone should go after them. Strategically, it's the smartest move, but Chima does nothing strategic. Every decision she makes in the house is based on who's pissed her off that week. Michele ends the conversation with a very funny line, "No matter what happens this week, I’ve enjoyed our time together and I’m sorry”. Amazingly, Chima didn't get the hint and went on to being utterly shocked and angered by the nominataion ceremony.

Michele nominated Chima and Natalie for eviction. Chima took the news well and acted with utter grace and dignity. She threw all of Jeff's clothes on the beds in the splish splash room and, from what I understand, had one hell of a tantrum we were not privy to. She's the epitome of all things inspiring. I wish I could be like her and kick and scream when I don't get my way. Little girls around the world (except Lebanese ones, Muslim ones, HIV+ ones, and Middle Eastern ones) should look up to Chima as their role model in hate. We should all have ratty dead carcasses attached to our heads and greasy faces. Chima Simone, you are truly one of a kind... the singularly most hated female in Big Brother history. Congratulations!

After the noms, Chima was busy hiding underneath a blanket threatening to quit while Natalie searched the rule book for a technicality that could save them all. Chima mutters, "They all know I fought off a serial rapist murderer. Don’t think they don’t know that.” WTF? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Oh shut up you miserable cow and drown yourself in that wretched weave of yours. So yeah Natalie is flipping through the rule book and apparently, it's against the rules for an HOH to tell an HG that they are going on the block prior to nominations. Really? I'm quite positive past HOH's have told people they were going on the block. I wonder if this is a new rule. Michele did, in a roundabout way, tell Natalie she was going on the block and Natalie was determined to bust her on it. The whole digging through the rule book thing really put a bad taste in chatters' mouths. They interpreted it as Ragamuffin and Racist being sore losers and trying to weasle their way off the block due to a technicality. These are the two princesses who also want Jeff and Russell to hit them so they'll get evicted. Class acts, I'm telling you. How about just playing the game you worthless pieces of crap? You signed up for this show. You knew people got evicted every week. Why are you so shocked and bothered that it's now happening to you?

Chima moans about how if she doesn't win POV she's going home. She threatens to quit and Natalie and Lydia, assure her that even though one of their group is going home this week if they win HOH next week they have an opportunity to even out the numbers. Thank you ladies. Thank you for talking numbers and strategy and not giving up like your little racist leader over there under the blanket. While all this is going on by the way, you can just tell that Kevin is getting sick of Chima's antics and is so ready to jump ship. I think it's too late for him to form anything lasting with the other side quite frankly. He should have jumped over last week. He waited too long and it's going to bite him in the ass.

Meanwhile up in the HOH, Ass Licker is busy telling stories about how she's always embarassing herself in naked and filthy ways. All her life, apparently, her clothes have popped off in family photos, people have caught her with her pants down on videotape, and she's been publicly humiliated several times over. Render me unsurprised. Years ago her husband read a poem dedicated to Michele onstage at a comedy club. It started out very sweet and romantic, but then turned into a filthy graphic pornographic sex limerick of sorts. Michele was mortified (oh you know she loved it) and all the people in the neighborhood started calling her "Dirty Girl". Upon hearing this, Jeff and Russell start cracking up. Michele snorts and scratches herself shouting, "I’m not a dirty girl! I wasn’t back then! It was like a self fulfilling prophecy!” Oh please Michele, you've been sticking things up your ass ever since you were old enough to walk. Barbies, legos, Rubiks Cubes... they were all up your ass. Your mother had to take you to the proctologist all the damn time. Instead of school photos, she has a collection of pictures that look like this:

After Michele's Tales From Pervert Land, Jeff goes downstairs to discover his clothes strewn about the splish splash room. He calmly takes them all and puts them back in the drawers. After his last trip he turns to the Red Room (with Natalie, Chima, and Lydia in it) and says, "Don't touch my shit again." Natalie says, "Who are you talking to?" Jeff replies, "You know who I'm talking to."



Later Chima continues to be the poster girl for female maturity, she's on the warpath only this time Big Brother is her target. The HG's got a mini golf set in the BY and Kevin tries to encourage Chima to come out and try it. BB tells her to put on her mic and she ignores them and flips them off. Natalie and Lydia proceed to spend an hour hogging the mini golf set and not letting anyone else play. Production is still yelling at Chima to put on her mic so she picks it up and mouths into it, "You can suck a dick." and then places the mic down next to her. Big Brother tells Chima to go to the Storage Room and exchange her mic. She says she's not going anywhere and Kevin, bless his heart, goes and gets her mic for her. Kevin knows she's being a total pain in the ass and by her acting like a psychotic freak it reflects badly on him. He's never taken part in the childish antics and has vocally raised objections to his alliances actions. He's kind of stuck though at this point and I guess he's just trying to make the best of a really shitty situation.





During all of this there was a silent battle going on for the washing machine. Jeff wanted to wash his clothes but the others have been monopolizing the machine all day. Lydia had her clothes on the "whitest of whites" setting earlier (a super long cycle) and ran it twice. Now Chima wants to do laundry as well as Jeff. Chima has planted her ass on the washing machine and is not budging. She only gets up to hog the putt putt game. She says she won't let the others practice at all for the rest of the night, "There's no way in hell they're getting to play." Kevin then comes out and hands Chima her new microphone. Want to guess what she does with it? It's pretty good. She throws it in the hot tub! LOL Natalie tries to retrieve it with a skimmer but the feeds go to fish. Here's a photo of Chima tossing her microphone in the hot tub and a photo of Natalie trying to get it out:






Inside Jeff and Jordan are discussing this season's cast and they come to the conclusion that they have the biggest bitch in all of reality tv history: Chima. I am inclined to agree. Maybe Omarosa is tied neck in neck with Chima. Jeff has come to the realization that he will probably never win this season of Big Brother. There is no way Lydia, Chima, or Natalie would vote for him to win and you know Jessie won't either. Maybe if he goes up against Russell in the Final 2 he has a chance, but who knows? He says he'll tell Natalie the secret of Lydia and Jessie hooking up if Lydia messes with things just one more time. If Jeff and Jordan make it to the final 2, Jordan will win and that kills me inside. It makes my no-no numb and defintely not ready for fun. I have a really horrible feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that someone completely undeserving is going to win this game.

Moments later Chima is talking to Lydia, Kevin, and Natalie. She says, "Natalie I’m thinking if I win by some fluke, I’m taking you off because I think I’m going home seriously. I’m over it.” Natalie replies, "No you're not." Chima then starts to bitch that someone ate her cheetohs and she goes marching around the house asking everyone who ate her cheetohs. She comes back to Red Room and figures Russell must have done it so she goes over to his drawers (after Lydia directed her there) and takes out his fedoras. Natalie is saying over and over again, “You don’t even know if he ate them Chima. You don’t know if he did it.” You think Chima cares? Hell no! She takes Russell's hats and goes to the Have-Not room to wrap them in a blanket and hide them in a storage area. Here's what it looked like:

And that's it. That's all we see of Chima. We get a tiny bit of chatter where she accuses someone of stealing her pineapple juice and then we get fish. When the feeds come back Chima is gone and everyone is left scratching their heads. Did she quit? Did she act like a child hiding things and breaking equipment because she knew she was going to quit all along or did Big Brother finally get fet up and kick her ass out? I have no idea. What does this mean for the Jury House? A tie is possible now in a final vote. Will they bring Ronnie back to vote even though he's been home and matriculating in the real world? Will America get a vote? I'll bet BB was scrambling last night trying to figure something out.

The HG's have been instructed not to discuss the details of Chima's absence. They don't even know if a replacement nominee has to go up. I'm assuming one will and that Thursday's double eviction will be cancelled. That means Kevin or Lydia will go up. Hopefully, Natalie is the next to go, but I'm thinking it may be Lydia instead. Lydia cheered Chima on and made a lot of enemies these past few days. Maybe she will be better off tucked away in some fancy house with her Manbeast. She let me down big time this season and she's not even playing strategy anymore. She's officially out of my good graces. I gave her chance after chance after chance, forgiving her of just about everything, but that's it. No more. I'm done with you Lydia. I'll wish you happiness and just say, "You were a HUGE disappointment.". I still don't think you're a slut and I'm sure you have a few redeeming qualities, but you really don't belong in the game of Big Brother. I had such high hopes for you. I bid you adieu and wish you well.

I know I still owe you, dear readers, an all Jeff all the time photo spread. I've been saving up pictures for you guys and will let you drool all over them in the very near future. I was planning on doing it today, but you can blame Chima for the delay in all things Jeffy Pooh. Bitch ruins everything, doesn't she?

UPDATE:

This is according to jokersupdates and justtvnuts. I have no idea if it is accurate, but I'm just passing it along to you guys:

"According to someone at Joker's Updates who supposedly has ties to Allison Grodner Productions, this is what happened in the BB House while the feeds were off. This is a rumor!

Mike: Hey Guys, can you all come into the Living room please? We need to have a house meeting.

Production speaks

AG: You will be paying for the mic pack Chima, this will come out your Stipend.
Chima: You know what? f* this s*. I’m outta here. love you, nat–you too Lydia. *throws something* (her mic?)

She presses the diary room button, it doesn’t go green, she tries to pull the door open (EVERYONE is in the living room sitting down btw) and Chima says “don’t f* with me, open this damn door. NOW!”

Then Nat and Lydia want to leave with her, but production asks them to remain a moment..

AG: Everyone, PLEASE calm down!

Lydia gets up and tries to open the DR door, bangs on it, crying.

Chima was SCREAMING at AG! The entire control room was told to record everything in case something happened. Security may have been there too.

Result?
Chima is the first BB USA contestant to ever QUIT
No eviction this week
America will be voting as the seventh vote at jury
Chima has forfeited her stipend and will not be at the Finale
This will be shown on TV Tuesday "

This was taken directly from justtvnuts and I have no idea if it is valid.

A Cornucopia Of Penii

(Warning. This post is not for the faint of heart. If you are easily offended by anything having to do with ass play, I suggest you skip today's post and continue to live in a land free of all things anal.)



Where do I begin? *looks around the room* Seriously, where do I begin? So many thoughts swimming in my head right now that I'm having a hard time getting them in order - never mind the fact that you crazy bitches have been tweeting me all morning anticipating today's blog. My face itches, my palms are sweating, my leg is jittery, my heart races, my eyes are blinking uncontrollably, I'm thinking about taking my cup of coffee and dumping it over my head rather than down my throat. Why, it's almost as if... it's almost as if I was this girl:

When a nervous awkward Ass Licker is in power and I'm forced to watch her try to eat her face all night, I can't help but take on some of her mannerisms as my own. It's unsettling. Someone get me a vat of Xanax and Klonopin for the week. I'm gonna need it. Halcion, haldol, seconal, ludes, whatever Michael Jackson was taking... I need it all. Send it to 666 Anal Love Lane, Somewhere, Virginia. Thank you.

First, let's discuss the "live" show. I'm sure I would have found it to be a lot more exciting if I hadn't already known what happened. I swore up and down I was going to avoid all the spoilers, but if I turn off my Tweetdeck my head detaches itself from my body and that's not good for anyone so, yes, I knew everything that happened beforehand. Big Brother, I implore you, can we please not go through that again? I like to be surprised by my Thursday shows. As a feed watcher, I usually know everything that'll go down on the Sunday and Tuesday shows and Thursday is my only real day of genuine innocence and delight when it comes to Big Brother. Having people tweeting the details killed something for me. My wide-eyed Jordan-inspired awe and wonder was replaced with a bitter, cynical, know-it-all smugness I typically revile in others. I didn't like it and I place my blame solely with CBS.... and Chima.

So the devilish wild weaved woman essentially behaved herself on the "live" show. Do you want to know why? She was bribed with Chinese Food. I shit you not. The HG's were told that if they didn't act like psychotic hosebeasts during the show that they would be rewarded with Chinese Food. The girls were also given extra beauty products to keep them in line. Every single female in that house in PMSing and the tears and anger will be on the brink of disaster for the next week. Big Brother is essentially just throwing face lotions and sodium at them to keep them at bay. I picture a frigtened BB hiding behind a half opened door just chucking things to all the girls. "Here bitches... here's some Estee Lauder! Here's some Lo Mein... extra MSG! Leave me alone!"

Since the show was taped, by the time the feeds came back all the dust had settled. There were no tantrums, no screaming, no hair pulling, no kicking, no nothing. Bitches were just laying around calming discussing everything. What a buzzkill! I needed to see Chima try to decapitate someone! Instead all I got was her complaining that her HOH reign was a bust. To put things in perspective Chima, Lyida, and Natalie are mad that someone bothered to play the game. Jeff actually did something strategic and the bitches are all pissed that his strategy didn't jive with their plans to run the house and now they're gonna cry and moan about it like petulant children. Even Kevin is all bitchy about how Jessie dissed him on the way out. His scarf was askew and he kept straightening out his eyebrows with his pinky finger. Jessie made him all flustered and sad. Oh actually, Chima did knock over Russell's suitcase and dump all his clothes out. That was her big payback. Russell spent the rest of the night calling her immature to Jeff and Jordan.

What did I think of Lydia crying last night? Well, you can't call her a slut anymore. That's the first thing that came to my mind. She really liked Jessie (which is a repugnant fact I totally acknowledge). She really liked him and she was hurt when he left. Pathetic as that is, the girl is not a slut for hooking up with a guy she likes. So all of you Slut Trashers can stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Jessie was (and is) Lydia's downfall in this game. I hate him for that. Instead of blaming Lydia for falling for him in the first place, I'll blame Jessie for being a total douche. He put her up, he played with her emotions, he made her jealous, he fooled around with her, he voted to evict her, and basically turned her into the emotional wreck we have now. Yes, Lydia was probably fragile to begin with, but it's much more fun for me to just blame Jessie so I'll stick with that.

In what has to be the weirdest turn of events, Natalie and Lydia could be a new twosome. They've bonded in all things Manbeast. It's kind of gross actually. It's amazing to me how much power Jessie actually had over these women. Now that he's gone, they're lost, dazed, confused, and wondering how they'll put one foot in front of the other. Totally weird for a guy who didn't really do all that much to have that kind of power. It's sick how girls lose themselves over a man. Men make women crazy, irrational, and pathetic. I'm getting an idea here... what if we had an all female Big Brother? The women would be forced to use their brains instead of their hearts. People like Jordan would never sail through to the Jury House and people like Lydia would never fall apart over some silly testosterone. Everyone's cycles would synch up and they'd all want to kill each other once a month. Get Alison Grodner on the phone!

OK so when the feeds finally came back Chima kept saying, "you don't know how much I want to go home right now.". The spoiled brat didn't get her way and now she wants to leave. She thinks it's unfair that America got to award to the Coup D'Etat to someone. Kevin adds fuel to the fire saying that Boogie actually competed for his Coup D'Etat his season. Chima thinks she could have won it too if she was given the chance. Wahh, wahh, wahhh. Shut the fuck up bitch. Kevin says (referring to Jeff), "If I had known it was a popularity contest, I would hang out and NOT play (BB) all day too." OK I'm pissed. I'm so pissed that Kevin is actually defending Chima and taking her side. I like him as a person but I really hate who he's chosen to align with. He's telling Chima everything she wants to hear... which is basically how evil Russell is, "Russell is going to dig his own grave. He's a perpetual liar". He thinks Jeff, Jordan, and Michele don't really care for Russ at all. He tells Chima, "The worst thing you can do in a war is underestimate your enemy." Chima loves this wisdom and sucks on her lips thinking about it.

Here's a little clip of a very bitter Chima. Please to enjoy:

Chima bitter following Coup D'eta
by whitebobcat

So Chima is paranoid about Russell and Jeff working together and Natalie thinks she's going on the block. She has no idea how to approach Michele about it. I mean, seriously, how do you talk to an Ass Licker? You know that Jamie Walters song, "How do you talk to an angel?"? The one that was in 90210. Well, I've got a new version... "How do you talk to an ass licker?" I'm sure I can get Jamie to record it. Isn't he working construction now or something? I'm sure he'd welcome the gig. Ragamuffin wants to march into Michele and start threatening her with past promises she's made, but Chima tells her not to do that. They sit and plan the best way to approach Michele and I'm sure I heard the words "lube" and "cock ring" thrown around. I'm just saying...

This bring us to the big HOH reveal. Michele stumbles out of the DR and rattles her key like a total spaz while sputtering, "Who wants to see my HOH room?" Everyone just kind of looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders muttering, "Uh yeah I guess... I mean, what else have we got to do?" Michele, STILL wearing her nasty green sweat stained shirt with the ugly chunky plastic necklace (Did you see her pit stains during the HOH comp? I almost spit out my wine in disgust!) trips up the stairs and fumbles with her key in the doorlock. Personally, I think that act of sticking one thing into another (like a key in a lock) drives Michele wild and she spontaneously orgasms. After an eternity, she gets the door open and she stutters and stammers out some "Awwwwws" and grunts.

Some of Michele's pictures showed her with blue hair and blonde hair and others showed her crazy distant relatives that no one in their right mind gives a shit about. Lydia was impressed with Michele's willingness to try to new hair colors while Chima was busy pouting and trying to keep her lower lip from dragging on the floor. There was Ben and Jerry's ice cream in the freezer and a stuffed rat on the table. Her HOH basket was filled with the finest selection of hand crafted dildos you've ever seen (thanks Luva_!). She had marble ones, plastic ones, double headed ones, vibrating ones, anal ones, purple ones, black ones, red ones... A cornucopia of penii if you will. Buckets of lube sat on the floor and a harness with handcuffs was laid out on the bed. Jordan looked frightened and kept staring at Michele with a weird sideways glance for the rest of the night. Natalie immediately tried to strap on every dildo she could find. Ragamuffin always wanted to have a penis. Russell got turned on and had to rub one out immediately while Jeff tried to read the instructions that came with the anal beads. He was having trouble sounding out "sphincter".

After Natalie ass raped Lydia with a giant marble dildo, Michele read her letter to everyone. It took her an hour to finish the damn thing because she kept trying to lick her eyeballs the whole time. She was moving around and fidgeting a lot and Jeff couldn't figure out what the hell she was doing. Finally, Jordan tapped him on the shoulder and pointed at the ground under Michele's feet. She was standing in a puddle of her own urine wiggling her toes in her DNA. It was a frightful scene and everyone just really wanted it to end - me, especially. Her husband wrote to her about how anal sex isn't the same without her, but how the yoga poses he's worked on has made it almost possible for him to lick his own ass while Michele was away, and something about leaving his grody whiskers in the sink for her. (another mission to save the muffin has failed) He ended the letter with a story about poo. I'm totally not kidding! He mentioned how their dog pooped on the rug and how he's saving it for Michele because he knows how she likes to paint the walls with it or some shit like that.

Witness all the fuckery for yourself:

Michele gets her HOH
by whitebobcat

After all was said and done I was shocked to see everyone STILL hanging out in the HOH. I thought they'd absolutely run for the door and seek out a picture of Jesus or something to heal their eyes and quiet their minds, but no, they stayed and waited amongst the vile stench trying to get a word with Michele. Chima won that contest. Bitch outwaited everyone else. Her weave has absorbed most of the bodily fluids Michele was expelling so she totally had an unfair advantage. Chima wants to get down to business, but Michele just sits there chewing her face for a while yammering on about her husband's poop chute. Chima just nods politely and placates her with some intermittent, "Uh huh.... oh yes... he seems nice... good thing you met him.... so he enjoys your tongue.... I see... " Finally, Michele pauses to pick her nose and eat it and Chima sees her opening.

Chima tells Michele that she's still reeling from the day's events. She wants Michele to remember everything Russell has ever said to her. Michele nods violently at this and farts out an old anal bead she forgot about. She picks it up and sucks on it while Chima goes on about Russell. She tells Michele he's still lying, he came off the block lying, and he'll continue lying until he's finally out of the house. Michele shouts "Sucking fucking lemon poopers! Bozo ate my poop!" Chima just stares at her shocked and continues on. I'm thinking Michele is shouting out her past "safe words" she uses with her husband, but seriously, who the hell knows?

Natalie enters shortly thereafter. She's just gotten finished violating Jordan with the purple dildo and now she wants a new one to test out. Chima manages to get Natalie to focus on the task at hand and Natalie begins to talk to Michele about nominations. Ragamuffin outlines how her "word" is all she has to give and that how this "word" of hers is like a golden anal plug (she knows exaclty how to appeal to Michele's sensibilities). Michele has her fist in her mouth as she's listening to all of this and Chima is sitting quietly shaking her head but motioning for Natalie to continue. Natalie takes the double headed dildo and caresses it while saying, "I'm just assuming Russ is going up after all the things he's said to you. I can offer you my word. I can give you my word, my integrity, anything I’m about. If I’m here next week you are not my target. Do you mind if I borrow this double header? Lydia is downstairs waiting...”

They all have their Chinese Banquet and this brings us to the a scene that will make you run for the tissues. Oh no, you won't be crying. You'll be jacking off to the hilarity of others crying. Let me set the scene for you... a giant round table, open containers of Kung Pao Chicken and Beef with Broccoli, have drunk bottles of wine, and 4 lonely women (Lydia, Chima, Natalie, Kevin) weeping openly over Jessie's absence. Chima says he was a saint. He never hurt anyone and always prayed before his meals. She's going to write the Vatican to get him canonized as soon as she's out of the house. Lydia is terribly upset that Jordan hasn't bothered to console her or stand up for what's right in the house (apparently Jessie was right and every thing was wrong). Lydia states, "I'm sorry but Russell, Jeff, Jordan are my targets now." She says Jordan is a ho to Jeff's pimp. She does everything Jeff tells her to do and that now makes her his ho. I know, I know Jeff and Jordan fans... grab your pitchforks and Lydia Hate Posters and start marching to Studio City.

My lovely clip girl just sent me the crazy ass cry fest clip. Please to enjoy:

Chima/Lydia/Natalie have a cry fest for Jessie
by whitebobcat

The sad lonely women make it their mission to convince Michele to put up Russell. They say it's a matter of revenge now. They don't care about the money, their cult leader Jessie is gone and now, like Squeaky Fromme (who just got released from prision today) to her Manson... they will avenge all that is evil in the world for their dear lord and master Jessie. It's only a matter of time until they shave their heads and carve swastikas into their foreheads. Is Vincent Bugliosi still practicing law? I've got a new case for him he might be VERY interested in. Jordan better watch her back. Now that Natalie's stolen all of Michele's strap-ons Jordan definitely won't get a moments peace.

Michele, happy from having an erotic session that included her sticking various things up her rectum, trots downstairs glowing and stinking of god knows what. She tells Jeff, Jordan, and Russell how Natalie tried to convince her to not put her on the block. Natalie stole her double headed dildo so basically all bets are off. You just don't steal a girls dildo! That's like going against the girl code or something. Russell kisses her ass and laughs at her jokes and thinks he's safe with this new foursome (Michele, Russ, Jeff, Jordan).

Squeaky, Susan, Patricia, and Linda (my new names for Lydia, Kevin, Chima, and Natalie - I knew my past fascination with all things Charlie Manson would come in handy one day) spend the rest of the night stealing blankets and threatening to walk if they're Have-Not's this week. Lydia wants to stalk Jeff in his sleep and hide all his clothes. Chima gives a rousing speech about they're "not dumb bitches, they're smart bitches!"Natalie gets scared Kevin will jump ship and go to the other side (please do it Kevin, please do it, I really want to continue liking you). Lydia tells Natalie Kevin called her names in the past to Natalie's total shock. Lydia is unravelling... you may have thought she had bought the farm before, but oh noooooooo my dear readers. I'm predicting a week of utter Lydia lunacy, Chima threateninig to quit thousands of times, and Natalie not knowing where to turn without her leader. While all of this goes down, Michele will be snug in her bed sucking her thumb on one hand while her other hand is firmly wedged up her ass.

Early yesterday evening I would have said Michele would nominate Natalie and Russell no questions asked, but now that she's got her cornucopia of penii stimulating her nether regions she's going in an entirely different direction. As of late last night it's looking like Chima will be going on the block with Natalie. Jeff is still holding on to that secret of Lydia and Jessie hooking up repeatedly and I don't really know how or when he plans to use it to his advantage. If he waits too long, it won't matter anymore. One thing is for sure, this coming weekend will be far from boring with the Manson girls playing their juvenile revenge games.

Do You Want To Punch Me Or Kiss Me?

What started out as a seemingly boring peaceful day spotted with the colorful and incessant cackles of a wild weaved woman turned out to be a day rife with anxiety, butthole pleasures, and clashing meatheads. How did we get here? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began simply enough. Chima held court in her HOH room, Jordan said many stupid things, Michele picked her nose and ate it, Russell floated in the pool, Natalie made Jessie some sandwiches, and all was well. Chima got her HOH camera and the HG's had a ball taking posed photos and leaving Russell out. They wanted to do prom type photos and Chima made no effort whatsoever to include Russell in the fun. I don't see why she couldn't just suck it up and say, "Hey Russ, you want to take pics with us?" Instead she made fun of him floating out in the pool and cackled her way into giving me a headache.

It was about this time on the live feeds when that nasty rumor got started on Twitter. Someone sent out a tweet saying that people with tickets to today's live show were told to arrive several hours earlier. Wha.. wha... what?!?! What could this possibly mean? Why, for the love of the god, why do they need to be there early? Well, it sounds like tonight's show will be taped. I know, I know hurl yourselves off your rooftops and impale your floundering bodies on a rusty spike. What a travesty! How dare CBS tape a Thursday night show! OK let me explain. The show will be taped, but it'll be run just like a live show. It's not like parts will be rehearsed over and over again.

Kevin and Chima were talking in the HOH and Kevin said to Chima, "They've been giving us a lot of warnings about the live show." Chima replies, "Well, I made a lot of threats to go off again." Then we got fish. A lot of uncontrollable factors are going down today: Wizard power, nominations changing up, and Chima's reaction are just a few. In addition to that, they need to recap, talk to Chima in HOH, give speeches, vote, have an exit interview, and run an HOH competition. There's so much to get done in a very small period of time that pretaping the show makes perfect sense. Some little bits here and there may need to be edited (For example, we usually see the HG's walking to the DR to vote. That's wasting precious time! Instead we'll probably just see votes and leave the boring walking to on the editing room floor). CBS needs to make sure to get it all in within an hour. Pretaping allows them to shorten interviews, speeches, goodbye messages, what have you. They've pretaped shows in the past. This is nothing new. I really don't think this is a reason for everyone to get their panties in a twist. Everyone is dying to see Chima's reaction. CBS knows this. That's why we're all so super psyched about tonight. Bitch is going to go off. CBS will also need to ample time to bleep out all her expletives. Tonight's show will be super drama filled and the earth will continue to spin. Calm down people.

By the way this rumor has been CONFIRMED to be true so all of you pessimistic hags in the chat saying that Twitter is a den of lies and evil can burn in hell.

I will say that it is very annoying that Chima is able to threaten Big Brother and get away with it. I'd really like to see the American Big Brother become more strict and not hesitate in handing out punishments - much like BBUK. Everytime Chima curses on TV they should take money out of her stipend. Everytime she refuses to do what Big Brother says, she should be given a day of slop. Instead Big Brother is giving her everything she wants (a bloated HOH basket) and tiptoeing gently around her. She's a tiny wild weaved cackling witch. Why is Big Brother so intimidated by her? They must have known what they were getting when they cast her. Why they chose to air her rape story WEEKS after she divulged it in the house is still a mystery to me. What is this magic power she has over Big Brother's balls? Is Big Brother rooting for her to win? Good god I hope not.

Ok so after the photos and Twitter drama, Russell and Jeff were sitting outside by the pool having a chat. Jessie was inside spying and getting paranoid. The above photo is Jessie watching them through the sliding glass door. Jessie later joins them and Russell tells him that Jeff is working on getting him votes. Well, Jeff said nothing of the sort and a dull roar of panic began to rumble through the chat rooms. Did Russell just piss Jeff off enough that he won't use the Wizard Power now? Jeff was indeed annoyed. He got up and walked away from the conversation. Here is where I need to announce again that IF JEFF DOES NOT USE THE WIZARD POWER, HE IS DEAD TO ME! If Jeff really lets a stupid comment from Russell stop him from advancing in this game, I will hate him forever. I don't care if he makes sweet love to Jordan and she gives birth to twins on the show. I don't care if he really proposes to her and they sail off into the sunset together. If Jeff does not use his power, he's a fucking idiot and I will have nothing but hate for him. I hope all of you lunatic Jeff/Jordan fans join me in this proclamation. This is the one opportunity for Jeff to impress us. He's been playing like shit and he alone has the ability to change this game for the rest of the season.

This entire season up until now has been played personally. Why does Chima want Russ out? Because he hurt her feelings. Why did Russ want Ronnie out? Because he lied to him. Why did Jessie want Braden out? Because he made racist remarks. Very very few decisions in this game this season have been strategic. Natalie is after Lydia because she's jealous. Michele doesn't like Russ because he called her crazy. Everyone's precious little feelings are getting hurt and they react immediately. That's really no way to play this game. Leave your feelings at the door. Even I've been getting sucked in to the whole "feelings" racket. I was mad Kevin didn't take down Lydia because they're supposedly friends. I should have been mad because Kevin risked pissing off his one and only true alliance in the house. Damn these bitches for turning me into someone who like actually cares about others.

Here's a conversation that took place in the HOH between Chima and Kevin:

Chima: I wonder why Jeff is so standoffish.

Kevin: I think he genuinely doesn't like us.

Chima: I think he just doesn't like people. In that game last night he said the one thing wrong with the world was people.

Kevin: I think something must have happened to him to make him so angry and unfriendly.

Chima: I think he thinks women are scumbags. He's definitely a bros before hos kinda guy.

OK so what's wrong with that conversation? It's all about sappy poopy feelings. That's what's wrong. These two have been sitting around with too much time on their hands overanalyzing everything to death. That's all well and good. I'd imagine I'd do the same in that house. The only thing is they're not focussing on what's important. If Chima really thinks that Jeff has the power, then why isn't she considering the fact that he might actually use it? Why hasn't she entertained the idea that things just might not go her way? Why the fuck isn't she wondering how she should play it if Russell ends up staying this week? Woudn't you guys be planning for every eventuality? She should assume the worst (Russ stays and become HOH) and construct a plan of attack. I do this all the time in my everyday life and I think I'd do it all night and day if I was in the BB house. If ever I'm questioning a decision, I always ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen and what should I do if it ends up happening?". It's just common sense to me. I'm utterly shocked and surprised that no one in Chima's crew has sat down and thought about what would happen if Russell stays. Stupid idiots.

Speaking of stupid idiots, this brings me to Michele. The HG's got a half way party yesterday to celebrate the fact that they've made it to the Jury House. The feeds went down and the HG's got music, food, and alcohol (the Have-Nots were able to eat and drink for 2 hours). When the feeds came back, guess who had a few too many sips of wine? You got it. The Ass Licker. We all know by now that when the Ass Licker drinks she gets loose lipped and skittles fall from the clouds. A giant scratch and sniff rainbow straddles the sky and Michele begins to talk about butthole pleasures. No surprises here - Michele gets off on it. She asks Jordan, "Have you ever had a finger up there?" Jordan says yes but it was weird. Michele, clad in a brown potato sack, licks her eyeball and says, "I'm only happy answering butt sex questions because lots of people already have butt sex." Yes Michele, but all of those people aren't on a live feed with thousands of others watching. Those butt sex people aren't touching themselves ferociously fidgeting for all the world to see. They're at home shoving things up their asses in private. Unlike you, Ass Licker.

Jordan then begins to tell a tale of a porno she once saw where people dressed up as pigs begin to lick each other's asses, "They were just going to town. They got a meal." Naturally, Michele got all hot and bothered. Ass Licking is her forte and anything ass licking related is right up her alley (so to speak). The conversation then turns to Michele's nocturnal moans. Bitch moans, screams, and talks in her sleep. It freaks out the HG's and it's apparently freaked out others in Michele's life as well. She'd talk shit about her college roommates in her sleep and then wake up to find them all pissed at her. It caused her a lot of problems in college (obviously before Debbie came to her rescue). Jordan chimes in and says she's had 2 sex dreams in the house. Jeff perks up and says, "Oh really?". She says they weren't about anyone in the house and then Jeff punched himself in the balls. Jordan goes on to tell a story about Casey waking up in his old man "whitey tighties" with a boner. Ewww. Just ewww.

When I was little I was a sleepwalker. I'd wander the neighborhood at night and then wake up with dirty feet wondering how they got that way. I'd also eat crazy things in my sleep too and then I'd wake up and vomit everything I had eaten. My mom would get so pissed off thinking I'd purposely eaten a whole box of chocolates she'd hidden away from all us kids when in fact I had no idea the chocolates were in the house in the first place. My magical powers would take over as I slept and I'd discover my mother's hidden chocolates and I'd eat every single one of them. I woke up sick to my stomach barfing and my mom made me go to school anyways. Bitch! Whenever I'd spend the night at friends houses I'd wake up repeatedly through the night and find myself in different peoples beds. I remember one night in Corona Del Mar. I woke up in my friends brothers bed, in her older sisters bed, in her parents bed, and then on the floor of a bathroom. What the hell was going on with me as a kid? So weird. I don't do that now of course. Now when I wake up in mysterious beds I usually have an inkling of an idea as to how I got there. ;)

Apparently, Big Brother told Michele before she entered the house that her talking in her sleep would equal good ratings. Oh, so is that why she was cast because I still can't for the life of me figure out why she's in that house? Apparently, Ass Licker also has a bad sense of smell. Ok that's way too easy. Insert stinking asshole joke here.

Later Lydia, Chima, and Kevin are in the HOH chit chatting about stuff and Lydia says that Jordan looks a little "withered" lately. Well, tweak my nipples and slap my ass. All the crazy Jordan fans went into a frenzy. How dare Lydia say that?!? Well, I hate to break it to you, but Jordan has been looking very sloppy lately. She's such a pretty girl, but she walks around with her hair all yucky and in dumpy clothes. She sniffs her pits all the time and openly declares that she smells. I'm sorry, but this is horrifying to me! Nothing is quite as offensive as body odor. When Jordan dresses up and looks all put together she's quite lovely. It's just that she rarely bothers to look nice anymore. Lydia isn't as pretty as Jordan and her style is definitely unique and probably not a lot of people's cup of tea, but you have to admit that she spends a lot of time constructing her outfits, fixing her make-up, and styling her hair in unique ways. People rip on Lydia's style all the time, but she has fun with fashion and I don't think I can fault her for that. She takes risks and I kinda dig it. Would I wear Lydia's outfits? Probably not, but I try not to judge people for having fun with fashion. My favorite designer is Jean Paul Gaultier. I like things that are a little wild rather than something you'd find in a J. Crew catalogue.

Kevin and Chima chime in saying that whoever makes it to the final 2 and takes Jordan with them is a moron. I wholeheartedly agree. It would be very tough going up against her in the final even though she's essentially done nothing worthwhile in this game. Chima says she'll be livid if Jordan wins. I'm going to do something crazy and agree with Chima on this one. The one time Jordan had a teeny tiny bit of power (when she could assign the Have-Not's) she completely fucked up and turned it into a joke. Jordan lost me as a fan when she asked Jeff to carry her to the Jury House. She hasn't won anything, she hasn't made any important decicsions, she gossips when Jeff tells her specifically not to, and she's a fucking moron. Yes, she's cute, charming, and lovely, but she should NOT win this game. It would be an insult to the entire Big Brother franchise. If Jeff got evicted next week, Jordan would be completely lost. She'd probably team up with Russell or something and have him carry her along then. Sure, she's comedic relief, but that's about it.

This brings us to the weirdest fight yet this season. Russell and Michele are in the splish splash room and Russell is working her over for a vote. He's telling her that his main goal is to get Chima out and that Michele would be safe if he stayed. Michele is chewing her lips, nodding ferociously, and itching her butthole in agreement. THEN Jessie comes barging in. He leans over and talks to Russell like he's a child. Russell explodes saying he's just doing what he has to to stay in the game. He's not going to sit back and die, he's gonna fight to stay in the house. Jessie turns and yells to Michele, "Didn't you just tell me he called you crazy?" Michele bites her lip and farts. Then Jessie and Russell REALLY get into it coming frighteningly close to kissing each other in the process. Hot. Not. LOL

The fight gets really intense with lots of shouting, finger pointing, and posing. Yes, posing. Russell imitates Jessie doing his fey bodybuilder poses and Jessie's pin head looks like it's about to explode. When the fight finally ends IN A HUG, chatters and tweeters everywhere were totally confused. It turns out the 2 meatheads followed through with their plan (made a few days ago and outlined here) to pretend not to like each other. Remember when Russ told Jessie he could go after him if he wanted in order to keep up appearances? I think the fight was a little bit of that and a little bit of, "We are total morons fighting about nothing, let's just kiss and make up." A lot of what was said was legitimate and came from the heart, but in the end they gazed into each other's eyes and fell in love.

Please to enjoy:

Jessie confronts Russell in front of Michele
by whitebobcat

The whole time that weird sexual fight was going on, Natalie had run upstairs to report it all to Chima & The Gang (much like Kool & The Gang). She's foaming at the mouth scratching her scabies saying that Michele has them all played and that she's the mastermind loving all of this. Ragamuffin says, "Michele is a fucking snake dude." Jordan shortly thereafter runs up and starts telling every secret everyone has ever told her in her short trailer parked life. Does Jordan really think those people in the HOH are her friends? Doesn't she know they all see her as a threat? Is Jordan really that clueless to trust them? Yes, my dear readers, she is. Yes, she doesn't have a filter and yes, she'll ending up screwing Jeff in the end. I'm sure of it. She'll reveal something down the road - something she should keep secret and Jeff will get mad and explode. I can totally see it happening.





Ragamuffin, itching for more scandal, sneaks back downstairs and tries to spy on Russell and Jessie. She overhears their love fest and decides to join them. She tells Russell that his biggest mistake was putting Ronnie on the block and evicting him. That was what pushed everyone over the edge she claims. Yes, this was the instigating factor, but his fight with Chima is what permanently cemented the tiff.

Jessie later goes up to the HOH and informs them that Russell was just trying to do whatever he could to stay in the game. He says that Russell will be going home in 9th place but with 4th place money (since he won his cash prize). Russ said, "I don't care. I want to win first place." Michele starts licking her palms and stammers, "He never apologized to me for calling me crazy." Oh shut up you psychotic freak! You are crazy. Plain and simple. No apologies needed.

Chima, never one to leave a group unoffended, goes on to say how she sees Russell going to prison one day. He'll be locked up with all the sociopaths and end up killing his wife. OK Chima. A man rejects you and now he's a psychotic lady killer? She continues on saying he needs shrinks, meds, and electroshock therapy. As a fan of all institutionalized crazy people, you offend me Chima! The crazies are here for us to learn from. Give me a book about someone locked up in a state run hospital and I'm in heaven. Susanna Kaysen, Elizabeth Wurtzel, Sylvia Plath, Norah Vincent... the pantheon of crazy girl writers. I love each and every one of them. Could Chima Simone be next on that list? The only person in this house I see committed (other than Michele, she's a given) is Chima. Please Chima tell detailed stories about how the Haldol makes you drool and the plastic on the community couches sticks to your ass. I'll be first in line to buy your memoir. I promise.

So that's where we are. The fit will be hitting the shan tonight, even though it'll be a pretaped shan. Here's what I'd like to see happen: Jeff uses the Wizard Power, puts Natalie and Jessie on the block. Jessie goes home. Russell then wins HOH, resolidifies his alliance with Jeff and Jordan, nominates Natalie and Chima, and Chima goes home next week. I want Chima to have the most hellish week of her life. If another HOH can provide that, then that's fine, but I think there's a certain beauty to Russ getting it. It will infuriate Chima and whatever infuriates Chima delights me!

Who do you guys want to win HOH and why?

America's Next Top Racist - Part 1

(I wanted to use America's Next Top Terrorist as my title, but my buddy Simon over at the wonderful onlinebigbrother.com already snagged it - damn you! *shakes fist in the air* ;-))

Just when you thought things (i.e. Chima) couldn't get any uglier, bitch manages to top herself tenfold. You know when you get out of the shower and your hair is giving you the best day ever or you try on your skinny jeans and your butt is looking kapow! Maybe you finally pen that little ditty you've been working or the significant other you've had your eye on calls and rocks your world. Everything just falls into place. Everything just seems right. It's like manna from heaven for the undernourished. I feel all sorts of joy when Chima, the self proclaimed poster girl for the "equality for everyone" party, implicates herself over and over and over as an ignorant racist. The things she says are vile, repugnant, and very very very ugly and they all succeed in making her vile, repugnant, and very very very ugly. My hypocradar (for those of you who are new - this is the elaborate dolphin like sonar radar system thingie implanted in my brain to spot a hypocrite at thousands of miles away) loves Chima. My human side loathes her.

The day began with some trash talking. Russell has been calling Chima a Chia Pet and, I'm quite positive, bitch has been called that on the outside a time or two. Chima joked around about doing America's Next Top Model or something because this season in the "short" season (you have to be 5'7" or under - yes, Tyra's lost her ever loving mind) and Chima is a very short girl. Bitch is also 34. Look honey, your modeling days are WAY past you. Oh and you're not the least bit pretty so just continue to dream of Tyra if you can dream underneath that dead animal that sits upon your head and get over yourself. YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE! So yeah, the tension was thick and the weather pattern, moon phase, and planetary alignment were all ripe for a showdown.

The Haves were getting ready to go see The Goods and all hell breaks loose. Russell is goading Chima making fun of her for wanting to be on America's Next Top Model. Chima strikes back saying, "And you should have been on America's Next Top Terrorist!" *pause for jaws hitting the floor* Oh no she di'in't! Oh yes she did! It was ON bitches! Chima starts calling Russell a terrorist to HIS FACE! Now she's put a new twist on it though. The very astute tweeter Cfahooligan informed me that Kevin had told Chima that maybe she shouldn't call Russell a terrorist anymore. Chima said she'll just spin it and say he's been terrorizing the house instead. She has essentially PREPLANNED a way for her to spout her racial remarks without implicating herself as a racist. Unbelievable. I really hate this bitch. I don't care how emotional her rape story was or how much CBS wants me to like her (What the hell was up with that show last night choosing to show her rape story now - WEEKS after she told it? It's a good thing they didn't show that prior to the Wizard Power vote. Major fail CBS.). I HATE HER and want her gone as soon as possible. Oh the plans I have for you Chima...

(I love this screenshot of the fight)

Russell is trying to get a word in edgwise, but Chima has taken to putting her hands over her ears and screaming "lalalalalalalalalalalala..." like a petulant child. Bitch can dish it, but she can't take it. Before we get FoTH, Russell manages to get in, "I'm glad America saw it. The true racist ladies and gentlemen.". And see it we did. Twitterers were PISSED. Chatters were PISSED. My no-no went numb. Does Chima seriously think she can get away with calling someone a terrorist on TV with no reprecussions at all? Bitch is fucking dumb if she thinks we prefer her over Russell. Jordan, brainiac extraordinaire, spent from tucking in her shirt, looks around herself wide-eyed and asks" Why is he mad?"Jordan go back to your cloudy puffy shiny land of nothingness and just never speak again. For those of you who missed it and want to witness all the hate for yourself, here it is:

(Thank you Shea!)

Dear Chima, You are a racist. Burn in hell, Lala.

After that they actually manage to go watch The Goods without killing each other. I wonder how thick the tension was in that room. Anyhow, Lydia is retelling the whole fight to Kevin (he was sleeping) and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I actually think she's taking Chima's side. Damn you Lydia! I have to put a major strike against you now. Lydia tells Kevin that Russell had said he only has 5 days left in the house and he's determined to play them out as "the villian". He said, "Everybody loves a villain". Kevin muses that if Russ dares to say anything about Chima in his speech on Thursday that CBS better have the fish (FoTH) ready. Can I just say (again) that Thursday's show is going to be the BEST EVER IN BB HISTORY?!?

(Special note for BB fans in Boston or Philly: You may not be able to see the live show on CBS on Thursday. Football might preempt your viewing. Fly to another state or visit this site online to witness all the madness: watch.videobrother.com)

Lydia changes topics and tells Kevin, "Don't be mad at me, but I snuggled with Jessie" Lydia you don't have to worry about Kevin being mad at you... you have to worry about ME being mad at you! Why are you letting this Manbeast fuck with you? Lydia is one of those girls I can see staying in abusive relationship and blaming herself for it. It makes me very sad and disappointed to see women let men walk all over them.

At about this time on the feeds, The Pivert tweeted about his BB appearance. Here's what he said: @jeremypiven: My completely surreal experience has been documented and will be on tonight at 8pm on CBS

Lydia tries to retell the terrorist fight to Kevin and we get fish. CBS will continue to give use fish whenever the word terrorist comes up. Chima crossed the line and now live feeders everywhere have to suffer. Anyone mad about getting fish all the time, blame Chima! It's her fault. She took things to an ugly racial place and now live feeders are getting punished.

The movie lets out and all seems peaceful. Everyone really seemed to enjoy it and said it was very funny with lots of great comedic bits. Will Farrell has a couple of cameos and Chima gave it 2 thumbs up. The happiness is short lived though because Chima just can't fight her instinct to make everything ugly. She says that Jeremy Piven in the movie was exactly the same as the Jeremy Piven they met. She says, "Maybe he doesn't know how to act." Way to kill everything light and funny Chima. Way to go. I'm Jameeka clapping in your face right now. The others chime in on all things Piven. Lydia wants to date him and Jeff says how in the DR he keeps calling him "JP" like they're best buddies or something. Thank you Jeff. Thank you for bringing the comedy back.

Meanwhile Jordan is inside with Ragamuffin and Manbeast. She's telling them a story about being bullied in school by some evil Seniors when she was a Sophomore. My IQ drops when Jordan speaks. Her southern drawl gets thicker and clouds begin to roll into my fragile egg shelled mind (totally stole that from Jim Morrison). The story she tells sounds like a Lifetime movie and had something to do with fat girls, her sister, bullying, getting drunk, getting retribution, being kicked out of some establishment and a bunch of other crap that just made no sense. Women in the chats actually said, "Isn't she delightful? I could listen to her all day." Ummm no she is not delightful. She's an idiot. Sure, she's very cute and very funny, but she's about as bright as a lightbulb smashed into a million pieces. It scares me. It really scares me that someone as stupid as she is matriculates in society. I'm putting this out there right now. I do not want Jordan to win this season of Big Brother. Being dumb should not be rewarded. She can hang in for awhile, but, by no means, do I want her stupidity to be awarded with cash. Now that I've said that she'll probably win. It happens every year.

Out in the BY, Chima is foaming at the mouth drinking her Riesling. She started drinking during the movie and hasn't stopped. When Chima drinks, my pet monkey throws his shit at me. She's mumbling something about how Russell was offended she called him a "motherfucker". When Chima says motherfucker in that shrill voice of hers, I claw my face off like that dude did in POLTERGEIST. Chunks of flesh fall into the bathroom sink and maggots begin to crawl all over my chicken. It's just what happens. Life is so unfair. Chima says, "He just twists my words. I give up. Why do I even bother arguing with him?" Well, princess, you keep arguing with him because you're in love with him and you're pissed off he wants nothing to do with your stank ass. That's why, you miserable cunt rag. Chima says that if Julie asks her about terrorist comments on Thursday that she'll reply with "Semantics baby." Kevin assures her that CBS won't touch the terrorist thing with a 10 foot pole.

The conversation goes further downhill when Lydia eggs Chima on saying that Russell apparently said yesterday that Lydia looked like she should "be in Baghdad" because she was wearing Kevin's head scarf thing. Russell also insulted India (even though no one Indian is in the house) saying that the culture is stupid, but the girls dress pretty. Now I have no idea if Russell said these things. He probably did. It's too random to make up. Yes, it makes me angry he said that and he should be held accountable. Do you guys remember those awful redheads on the last season of Amazing Race? The ones who complained in every new country they went to and delighted in belittling and insulting their cab drivers? I HATED them. They physically made me ill. When people think their culture is superior to someone else's I begin to strangle my pet leprechaun. He gets very angry with me and starts shouting Celtic curses while kicking his tiny feet against my abdomen. It's not a pretty sight. For the sake of Mr. O'Shaunessy, everyone everywhere needs to stop the intolerance. It's ugly! And if you are an intolerant prick then you should never leave your rathole of a home and visit another country. Just lock yourself in your basement, sit underneath your Confederate flag, and jack off to porn all day. That's all you're good for.

Chima then gave everyone watching a good laugh by saying that America proabably hates Russell. She says, "Maybe they don't like me, but they hate Russell more." I'll pause so everyone can finish their fit of hysterics... Chima defends herself by comparing herself to Kathy Griffin. Oh you better back the fuck up bitch. You are NO Kathy Griffin. (If she ever visits your town, I highly recommend seeing her live) Chima says that Kathy Griffin became famous by making fun of people and that people will see Chima the same way. Put down the crack pipe Chima. Place it gently on the table and just walk away. She concludes her inane diatribe with, "Come on America, you know he's a terrorist." And... cue the fish!

Bitch is relentless and exhausting. She continues to talk smack and manages to shock everyone yet again. Chima says, "I've been beat up in my life. This man can't do that. He can hit me if he wants to. I can spit on him. The world knows my story now. If he hits me, the producers will be forced to kick him out." And we get fish. I know. I know dear readers. I'm very aware of the fact that Chima is now using her brutal attack as some sort of leverage. She thinks it gives her justification. I'm officially disgusted now. You'd think after someone attacks you and almost kills you that you'd loathe any and all violence. You'd do your damndest to advocate that violence never enters your life again. Now I've never been attacked by a serial killer so maybe I'm just ignorant, but is anyone else floored that Chima wants Russell to hit her?

For the next several hours, Chima just doesn't stop. She continues to gloat in her HOH with anyone who will listen. At this point, I'm literally ecstatic for Jeff to use that Wizard Power and make Chima look more like a fool than before. I repeat, if Jeff doesn't use that Wizard Power, he's dead to me. I will hate him forever.

(ooops another tweetdeck update snuck in there somehow)

Chima and Natalie are sitting in the HOH bed together causing squirrels to hurl themselves off of the highest limbs. They've demanded that Jessie make them dinner and when he delivers it, they bitch that it's cold and that there's no salt and pepper. Jessie is unamused. They make him take their meals back downstairs to reheat. Natalie says, "I knew it would be cold." Oh just die bitches. Seriously, turn to dust right now and disappear forever.

OK guys. I'm doing a 2 parter today. There's a lot to discuss and I still haven't even gotten to the late night stuff. I'm starting Part 2 right now and will tweet when it's ready.