Monday, August 10, 2009

It's Official. I'm Going To Hell - Part 2

(If you're arriving here late today, this post is Part 2. Please begin at the previous post.)

Part Two:

Russell and Kevin sitting outside chit chatting about Chima. Russell tells Kevin that, unlike Chima, he doesn't mind if his friends chat with the enemy. He won't hold anything against Kevin for chatting with her. Russell is essentially doing some damage control. He assures Kevin that he's never talked about him or Lydia (not exactly true) behind their back. Russell then turns to Kevin and asks, "Since I'm leaving Kevin, tell me why you hate me so much." When Russell kisses ass, my fairy godmother refuses to turn my vegetables into fabulous trinkets. It doesn't suit his character and makes him look weak. He was a bit of a bully the first few weeks in the house. He can't expect that his treament of Ronnie and Lydia wouldn't eventually come back and bite him in the ass. The wine he's drinking isn't doing him any favors either. He's loose lipped and ass kissy and my face crinkles up like I'm sniffing a skunk devouring a very large tuna fish. It's just yucky. He talks about how he loves women and he has sisters blah blah blah. Why do men always bring up the fact that they have female relatives as proof that they respect women? It makes zero sense. Everyone came out of a vagina, but there are a lot of misogynists in the world and I do think that Russell is an off and on member of that club.

Whenever Russell feels threatened, his first instinct to attack a woman. Have you ever noticed that? He can't stand it when a woman makes him look bad or pulls a fast one on him. He's yelled at Chima (not sure she really counts), Lydia, and Michele so far. There's nothing I hate more than a big bully of a man belittling a woman. It gives me anxiety and I immediately wonder how many women have cheated on them in their lives. I'm 100% sure that someone really did a number on Russell in his past. He's only in his early 20's so I'm thinking it wasn't very long ago either.

Why are all my recaps so fucking serious lately? We need a tension breaker. Here you go everyone... Michele in Tree Pose. Laugh away:

Debbie had introduced Michele to all things Tantra and Yoga. Together they explored the forbidden world of delayed gratification and controlled breathing. One night they went to a Moroccan restaurant to watch the belly dancers. They sipped exotic cocktails and allowed the magical dumbek to guide their innermost urges. The primal incessant drums made Michele reach under the table and caress Debbie's knee. Debbie smiled and guided Michele's hand to her forest of delights. In the middle of that Moroccan club while a full figured gal named Starina hypnotized the crowd with hips doing figure 8's every which way, Debbie taught Michele how to put her fingers to good use. The dumbek rattled off faster and faster, Starina's hips popping up and down like crazy, Debbie's legs squirming under the table, Michele staring at her wide eyed and crazy wondering what would happen next...

From that moment on, whenever Michele felt overwrought by the demons in her head, she'd separate herself from the crowd and meditate calmly in her favorite yoga pose remembering all the exotic things she and Debbie did together.

While Michele was transporting herself back into Debbie's arms, Chima was up in the HOH bitching about everything she possibly can. She complains about her bed, the bath, the bubbles, etc. Shut up bitch. I'm so sick of you.

In another part of the house, Lydia is waking from a nap and in that annoying baby talk voice of hers she's telling Jessie he looked cute wearing some jeans. I just stabbed myself in the eye with a letter opener. Blood is dripping all down my face and all over my keyboard. I couldn't help it. I had to. Jessie farts on Lydia and the world once again makes sense.

Outside Russell is now drunk and annoying. He tells Jeff that Chima thinks he has the Wizard Power. Jeff denies it but tells Russell he needs to talk to him after the POV ceremony. What could Jeff posssibly have to tell Russell? He promises something big will go down and I'm half happy and half scared. I'm happy because it's looking like Jeff will use the veto. I'm scared because if Jeff isn't careful, he'll ruin everything with his big mouth.

I'm wondering if Jeff will finally tell his big secret. No, not the Wizard secret. The secret about Lydia and Jessie have multiple sexy times. He's said that he plans on telling Natalie sometime this week that Jessie and Lydia have been hooking up. You see, Natalie doesn't know that Lydia has sucked on Jessie's teeny weeny winky. Maybe, just maybe, Jeff is preparing to put Jessie on the block and in telling Natalie about his late night sexual dalliances he's preparing her to vote Jessie out when the time arises. If this is Jeff's plan, I heartily applaud it. Nothing would bring me more joy than to see a jealous Ragamuffin go into a rabid rage snarling and growling at everyone. She'll perch herself on her haunches and drool long dangly strands of spit. She'll grab her crotch and kick up dirt flaring her nostrils at both Jessie and Lydia. You know that scene in To Kill A Mockingbird where Atticus Finch shoots the rabid dog "up the road a piece". Well, that dog is Natalie and Atticus is Jeff.

Russell is all of a sudden happy and now he thinks Jeff is his new best friend. He's tipsy and calling Chima a bigot to Jordan. Jordan says, and I shit you not, "What's a bigot?" Uh oh... there it goes. I just stabbed my other eye with the letter opener. I'm now typing on faith alone. All my vision is lost.

She looks so innocent, but she's really an evil idiot out to make me hurt myself:

The night continues with Russell drunk and running his mouth. He tells Jeff and Jordan that he thinks Michele and Jeff will be final 2. If it comes down to the 2 of them, "she will not have my vote for one fucking second." He wants Chima out of the house immediately after him, "she's the most disgusting person ever." Jeff tells him that would mean that Chima and Russell would be alone in the Jury House. Jeff asks him how he'll survive. Russell, finding it difficult to form words in his mouth with that pesky tongue of his getting in the way, says, "I'll go to the fucking beach and just swim!" OK Russell. You do that.

Jeff said, "If you stay, we now run this shit." Is that foreshadowing? Please plesase please make that be a prohecy.

Russ and Jordan start talking about how they think Michele has the Wizard Power and Jeff keeps saying, "Let's just wait and see..." SHUT UP JEFF!!!

I'll end this post on something that will delight and tingle all of your no-no's. Later in the BY Natalie is saying that if she didn't have a boyfriend she'd date Jessie. Ewww. No, that's not the part that's supposed to delight you. Ragamuffin turns to Jeff and says, "Why don't you marry Jordan?" Jeff proposes. Jordan says yes. It's celebration time. OK Jeff and Jordan fans, let out your collective "Awwwwwwwww" and let's get it over with.

OK it's official. I just shoved the letter opener up my nostril scaring the bejesus out of the Mormons who just rang my bell. I'm totally not kidding. 2 creepy Mormons just asked me if they could come in and talk to me about Jesus. I told them no. They then asked me for a drink of water. It's like 100 degrees here today. I told them no and that they should go bother another neighbor. Does that make me evil? I'm going to hell, aren't I?

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  1. Please Lala hire a plane to fly over the house with your title: "Chima-America's Next Top Racist!" BTW who is Chima's dad? He looked very familiar in those photos.

    I don't think Jeff and Jordan would survive being together. 2 dimwits don't = brainpower. It just means they'll have twice the opportunity to fuck things up.

  2. Marriage??? Can't see it in my crystal ball. But it's gotten a little foggy over the years. Or could be these old eyes of mine.
    My only worry is Jeff will over-think this and fail to do anything with the Coup and I will have to curse him to the world of the undead so he can suffer forever.

  3. Russell also fought with Jeff and Ronnie and women outnumber the men in the house, so those are just the odds, not necessarily a sign of misogyny.

  4. first time reader** i really enjoyed it thanks a bunch!

  5. Ed (AKA Anonymous #1) see my response in the last post.

    Anonymous #2 - Thanks for stopping by!