Calgon, Take It Away

Very rarely does this happen during BB season, but real life is intervening today and this might be really short. I have an appointment at the worst possible time today and even had to set the alarm this morning to get this done in time. I sacrifice for you people. My fingertips bleed and I suffer for my art. (wink)

The big POV was yesterday and the players were Chima, Russell, Lydia, Jeff, Nat Kevin and to everyone's suprise (and delight) Kevin won! At first it was exciting. The dark horse has proved himself when he needed to. Kevin and Lydia did a little dance in the bathroom where Kevin said to Lydia, "You're staying. It's not even a question." It was looking the like the quirky offbeat couple (Kevin & Lydia) would be absolutely 100% safe. Not so fast chickadee. Get ready for disappointment. Kevin is NOT going to use the veto out of respect to Chima. Are you fucking kidding me? Why is Kevin so far up Chima's ass? I hate that he's loyal to her. It's one major mark against Kevin in my book. Even more surprising is that Lydia is initially totally fine with it. Has she taken too many Xanax today? What happened to the girl who had a breakdown everytime she's been on the block? She just doesn't really seem to care and the fact that she's semi confident she'll stay bothers me. You NEVER get confident in this game ESPECIALLY this season. Alliances change, loyalties morph, Micheles stick dildos in their bellybuttons... you can't count on anything in this house. The minute you think you're safe, you're not.

Kevin wants to have a meeting with Chima and the Scorned Women's Club (Chima, Nat, Jessie). Lydia is totally not into that. She'll go have a meeting with Chima, but she doesn't want Ragamuffin and Manbeast there at all. They march up to the HOH and catch Chima just as she's getting out of the shower.

Dear Calgon, Take this away. Thank you, Lala.

So Kevin and Lydia meet with Chima and they want Chima's guarantee that she'll evict Russell and Lydia will be safe. Chima tells Lydia, "I didn't put you up because I want you gone. I want Russell gone." Lydia tells her, "I voted for you to stay (in week 1) and I don't regret it." It's a regular lovefest. Chima, overpowered by the strong female love, rips off her towel and pounces on Lydia. She tongue kisses her and demands that Lydia tweak her nipples. Lydia obliges. I mean, she's high on Xanax. She can't say no. Ok ok... maybe that didn't happen. I was hoping for some girl on girl action this season and I never got it, but writing about Chima having sexy time is making that muffin I just ate rise up my esophagus. I hope the rest of you were able to keep your muffins down. That sounded dirty, didn't it? Anyhow, Chima ends the meeting with her obligatory, "I want a women to win this game. When I see you befriend the men who hurt you as they've hurt me it makes me wary as to whether or not you're a strong woman to win this game."

This strong woman crap is really beginning to bug me. Sure, I'm a feminist. I'll admit I'm an off and on member of the Manhaters Club, but I really dislike most of the women in the house this season. Chima is a wretched racist trapped in a devil's body. Natalie is a filthy frizzy Ragamuffin who has a knack for troublemaking. Jordan is as dumb as a box of rocks. Michele is a face chewing, stammering, stuttering, awkward ass licker. Lydia... Lydia I have a little bit of sympathy for. I don't know why I do. I just do. Maybe I see a tiny bit of myself in her. No, I'm not covered in tattoos. No, I don't cut myself. No, I'm not the least bit attracted to overmuscled Manbeasts. There's something though... maybe the quirky fashion statements and the music/film passion. Maybe the fact that if I were in the house I'd immediately be drawn to Kevin too. Maybe her valiant (yet failed) effort to use sex as part of the game... I don't know what it is, but something inside me will always root for her just a little bit. It could also be that her pre-interview was the best of the bunch and that was the first thing I ever saw of her. First impressions often shape the way we feel and maybe that's what happened with Lydia and I. The point I'm trying to make, and I do have one, is that the women in this house pretty much overall suck.

While the women were busy being less than perfect, Russell and Jessie were in the storage room reaffirming their alliance. Russell tells Jessie, "If anyone was to win (BB), I'd want it to be me and you... To win the money you have to keep me in this game because I'm the bad guy." Russell tells Jessie that he can pretend to hate him in front of everyone else if he wants. He's fine with Jessie putting on an act. They end the conversation with some Brah fist smacks, a hug, and a tussle on the storage room floor playing hide the salami.

Ragamuffin, streaked with grime and saliva, is STILL mad at Jessie for yesterday. She tells him she can never trust him again since he ran and told Lydia what she said. Jessie gets all quiet, sucks up his urge to smack her, and mutters, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry I did that to you." Vomit. Mission to save the muffin has failed. I repeat, the mission to save the muffin has failed.

Chima is in the HOH totally obsessing over the Wizard Power. She's declared that if anyone dare uses it on Thursday she's going to explode on live TV and lock herself in the DR. Well, I don't know about you, but that sounds fabulous to me. Can you imagine if Chima barricaded herself in the DR, frantically and maniacally kicking the big chair, and then shouting "He's a motherfucker!" phrases every which way. Am I the only one who hears a choir of angels at the mere thought of this? If Jeff doesn't use that power and let's me see this beautiful tirade I'm going to lock myself in my bathroom, wrap myself in toilet paper, and then run around the neighborhood screaming, "She's a motherfucker!". It won't be as fun as if Chima had a tantrum. Mine wouldn't be televised and if it's not on tv, it doesn't count.

Chima says she thinks Jeff has the Wizard Power, "He gets called into the DR every 2 minutes." She assures Kevin that if Jeff does use the power Lydia will be safe. Then she gets her evil face on (I know, it's so hard to differentiate her evil face from her normal face) and begins to muse about whether Jeff has let Russell know he has the Wizard Power. She's convinced Jeff and Russell are in a secret alliance and she thinks Jeff must have given him a clue in the form of an ass grab or something. She insists that she'll watch the feeds when she gets out of the house and search them high and low for any sign of acknowledgment. Kevin tells her Jeff would be stupid to let anyone know he has the power. He'd lose it if he told his secret. Chima switches gears and begins to say how she thinks Jeff threw the POV. Kevin says, "Jeff is a little suspicious. I don't know if he's throwing (them) or not."

This brings me to my favorite topic: Michele. Chima wonders if Michele's idiocy is an act. No Chima, it's all authentic. It's beautifully, magically, strangely authentic. Her awkwardness bursts forth like a spring from the pit of her bowels. It itches her inside and makes her squirm and scratch and touch herself all over. The constant ache in her no-no region makes her fidgety and on edge ALL the time. She can't control her speech , her face, or her hands. They all move individually from one another flailing akimbo in a strange and wonderful tarantella of pure bumbling bliss. Owls hoot, cows moo, and Lala sings. It's exhaustingly wonderful.

It appears as if Ragamuffin has caught a glimpse of Michele's rarity as well. She calls Michele "crazy" and says she needs "crazy pills". Don't you dare drug Michele! She needs to be unfettered by chemicals at all time. Chima thinks Michele is ok, Kevin thinks she's a bit of a bad ass, and Jessie thinks she's simply a freak. Jessie, drowning in paranoia, is convinced that Michele leaves her drinking cups in every room in the house on purpose so she can enter anywhere she wants with a mission - to retrieve her cup. If only Michele were that smart... Jessie is giving her way too much credit. The HOH group tries to figure out what Michele's deal is and they come to the conclusion that Jeff was right, "Michele is crazy." Amen Jeff. Amen.

Jeff affectionately refers to Michele as "Coocoo Magoo". LOL. I like it. Makes me think my assumptions have been right on the money. Russell joins Jeff and Jordan near the hot tub and it appears as if he's found his balls again. They've been missing for the past 2 days. He says he wants to go off on Jessie and that his speech on Thursday will be the best. They talk about how this season is the Season Of The Speeches (and thank goddess for that). Lydia joins them and they discuss all things Wizard Power. She tells Jeff the only reason he's not on the block is because the Scorned Woman's Club thinks he has the power. Jeff wonders aloud if Chima would put him up if she didn't think he had the power and then he (badly) says he wish he did have the power cuz then he'd go after Chima. Oh Jeffy Pooh, don't put on an act pookie. It doesn't suit you at all. You're not bright enough to play pretend. Just shut your mouth, take your shirt off, and look pretty. That's all my readers want from you.

Later Jessie approaches Jeff and throws Russell under the bus. He tells Jeff that Russell wants to backdoor him and get him out. I honestly don't know if this is true. Who can tell anymore with Jessie? I didn't witness a pre-lie meeting with Ragamuffin and he's so paranoid lately that I just can't tell what's going on with him. I think it's all Wizard Power anxiety. Jessie knows Jeff has it and he's just trying to come off as loyal. Jeff better not fall for it. Jessie succeeded in his last ruse and I'd rather he didn't succeed in this new one. Jordan waddles in jostling her shiny pretty cranial marbles and instantly believes Jessie. She's so precious. She believes anything you tell her.

Oh... this entire time Jessie is getting his drunk on. I know, right? It's so good. Paranoia drives the Manbeast to drink. Conversely, paranoia makes Ragamuffin loudly, OH SO FUCKING LOUDLY, cram chip after chip into her evil snarling mouth. She drools, wipes her nose on the back of her hand, and just shovels it in. I often mute if there is a chip bag within 10 yards of Ragamuffin.

Jessie is repeating himself, cramming chips into his face (he misses his mouth), pacing back and forth, not letting Natalie get a word in edgewise (thank you god), kissing up to Lydia, cursing Russell and being an all around Jack Ass. He's like a little boy after his first beer. I don't think drinking is something Jessie indulges in all that often so one little sippy of wine makes him rip off his tighty whitey's and delight awful women everywhere.

Chima lauches into another attack on Russell. It's been 15 minutes. Bitch has to unleash every 15 minutes or her weave automatically detaches from her head. She's now saying that Russell is really rich. He drives a BMW, his family is well off, and he has a high paying job. In other words, three reasons why Chima would be all over his jock. Yes, the Hypocradar is beeping loudly.

And then it happened... the one thing I didn't want to happen. Kevin and Lydia share some not so nice words crushing my faith in all humanity. Kevin and Lydia are alone in the spa room discussing loyalty. Kevin is mad Lydia spoke to Russell and Lydia is mad Kevin won't use the POV on her (it's about time). Kevin claims it's all part of a big grand master plan and that it'll pay off in the end. Lydia says if she had the POV and Kevin was on the block, she'd use it in a heartbeat and I believe her. I 100% believe her. She thinks Kevin not using the veto is a sign of where his true loyalties lie - with Chima. Kevin gets mad and they both start to get angry. Kevin tells Lydia how everyone in the house wants her out, but that he's been working tirelessly to save her "motherfucking ass" (not really true by the way). Lydia quickly apologizes and says she'll stop talking to people from now on. Kevin doesn't fall for the victim bullshit and gets annoyed. He assures her he's the only one who's been entirely loyal to her yet the one person who stabs her in the back every chance he gets (Jessie) is the one she runs to whenever the chance presents itself.

Kevin's right. Lydia has some serious issues concerning Jessie and it's affecting her game. That's why I want Jessie out of the game as soon as possible. I want to see what Lydia can do when he's not around. Will she come out of her depression? Will she get medieval on Ragamuffin's ass? Will she stop moping around the house and feeling sorry for herself? Jessie is like a boil on the ass that is Big Brother. He's annoying, uncomfortable, uncurable, and needs to be lanced off as quickly as possible.

I'm going to end this here today. The blog will be back to normal Monday. It'll be flowery, overly wordy, and full of piss and vinegar. Thank you everyone for coming back each and every day.