Thursday, August 13, 2009

Do You Want To Punch Me Or Kiss Me?

What started out as a seemingly boring peaceful day spotted with the colorful and incessant cackles of a wild weaved woman turned out to be a day rife with anxiety, butthole pleasures, and clashing meatheads. How did we get here? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began simply enough. Chima held court in her HOH room, Jordan said many stupid things, Michele picked her nose and ate it, Russell floated in the pool, Natalie made Jessie some sandwiches, and all was well. Chima got her HOH camera and the HG's had a ball taking posed photos and leaving Russell out. They wanted to do prom type photos and Chima made no effort whatsoever to include Russell in the fun. I don't see why she couldn't just suck it up and say, "Hey Russ, you want to take pics with us?" Instead she made fun of him floating out in the pool and cackled her way into giving me a headache.

It was about this time on the live feeds when that nasty rumor got started on Twitter. Someone sent out a tweet saying that people with tickets to today's live show were told to arrive several hours earlier. Wha.. wha... what?!?! What could this possibly mean? Why, for the love of the god, why do they need to be there early? Well, it sounds like tonight's show will be taped. I know, I know hurl yourselves off your rooftops and impale your floundering bodies on a rusty spike. What a travesty! How dare CBS tape a Thursday night show! OK let me explain. The show will be taped, but it'll be run just like a live show. It's not like parts will be rehearsed over and over again.

Kevin and Chima were talking in the HOH and Kevin said to Chima, "They've been giving us a lot of warnings about the live show." Chima replies, "Well, I made a lot of threats to go off again." Then we got fish. A lot of uncontrollable factors are going down today: Wizard power, nominations changing up, and Chima's reaction are just a few. In addition to that, they need to recap, talk to Chima in HOH, give speeches, vote, have an exit interview, and run an HOH competition. There's so much to get done in a very small period of time that pretaping the show makes perfect sense. Some little bits here and there may need to be edited (For example, we usually see the HG's walking to the DR to vote. That's wasting precious time! Instead we'll probably just see votes and leave the boring walking to on the editing room floor). CBS needs to make sure to get it all in within an hour. Pretaping allows them to shorten interviews, speeches, goodbye messages, what have you. They've pretaped shows in the past. This is nothing new. I really don't think this is a reason for everyone to get their panties in a twist. Everyone is dying to see Chima's reaction. CBS knows this. That's why we're all so super psyched about tonight. Bitch is going to go off. CBS will also need to ample time to bleep out all her expletives. Tonight's show will be super drama filled and the earth will continue to spin. Calm down people.

By the way this rumor has been CONFIRMED to be true so all of you pessimistic hags in the chat saying that Twitter is a den of lies and evil can burn in hell.

I will say that it is very annoying that Chima is able to threaten Big Brother and get away with it. I'd really like to see the American Big Brother become more strict and not hesitate in handing out punishments - much like BBUK. Everytime Chima curses on TV they should take money out of her stipend. Everytime she refuses to do what Big Brother says, she should be given a day of slop. Instead Big Brother is giving her everything she wants (a bloated HOH basket) and tiptoeing gently around her. She's a tiny wild weaved cackling witch. Why is Big Brother so intimidated by her? They must have known what they were getting when they cast her. Why they chose to air her rape story WEEKS after she divulged it in the house is still a mystery to me. What is this magic power she has over Big Brother's balls? Is Big Brother rooting for her to win? Good god I hope not.

Ok so after the photos and Twitter drama, Russell and Jeff were sitting outside by the pool having a chat. Jessie was inside spying and getting paranoid. The above photo is Jessie watching them through the sliding glass door. Jessie later joins them and Russell tells him that Jeff is working on getting him votes. Well, Jeff said nothing of the sort and a dull roar of panic began to rumble through the chat rooms. Did Russell just piss Jeff off enough that he won't use the Wizard Power now? Jeff was indeed annoyed. He got up and walked away from the conversation. Here is where I need to announce again that IF JEFF DOES NOT USE THE WIZARD POWER, HE IS DEAD TO ME! If Jeff really lets a stupid comment from Russell stop him from advancing in this game, I will hate him forever. I don't care if he makes sweet love to Jordan and she gives birth to twins on the show. I don't care if he really proposes to her and they sail off into the sunset together. If Jeff does not use his power, he's a fucking idiot and I will have nothing but hate for him. I hope all of you lunatic Jeff/Jordan fans join me in this proclamation. This is the one opportunity for Jeff to impress us. He's been playing like shit and he alone has the ability to change this game for the rest of the season.

This entire season up until now has been played personally. Why does Chima want Russ out? Because he hurt her feelings. Why did Russ want Ronnie out? Because he lied to him. Why did Jessie want Braden out? Because he made racist remarks. Very very few decisions in this game this season have been strategic. Natalie is after Lydia because she's jealous. Michele doesn't like Russ because he called her crazy. Everyone's precious little feelings are getting hurt and they react immediately. That's really no way to play this game. Leave your feelings at the door. Even I've been getting sucked in to the whole "feelings" racket. I was mad Kevin didn't take down Lydia because they're supposedly friends. I should have been mad because Kevin risked pissing off his one and only true alliance in the house. Damn these bitches for turning me into someone who like actually cares about others.

Here's a conversation that took place in the HOH between Chima and Kevin:

Chima: I wonder why Jeff is so standoffish.
Kevin: I think he genuinely doesn't like us.
Chima: I think he just doesn't like people. In that game last night he said the one thing wrong with the world was people.
Kevin: I think something must have happened to him to make him so angry and unfriendly.
Chima: I think he thinks women are scumbags. He's definitely a bros before hos kinda guy.

OK so what's wrong with that conversation? It's all about sappy poopy feelings. That's what's wrong. These two have been sitting around with too much time on their hands overanalyzing everything to death. That's all well and good. I'd imagine I'd do the same in that house. The only thing is they're not focussing on what's important. If Chima really thinks that Jeff has the power, then why isn't she considering the fact that he might actually use it? Why hasn't she entertained the idea that things just might not go her way? Why the fuck isn't she wondering how she should play it if Russell ends up staying this week? Woudn't you guys be planning for every eventuality? She should assume the worst (Russ stays and become HOH) and construct a plan of attack. I do this all the time in my everyday life and I think I'd do it all night and day if I was in the BB house. If ever I'm questioning a decision, I always ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen and what should I do if it ends up happening?". It's just common sense to me. I'm utterly shocked and surprised that no one in Chima's crew has sat down and thought about what would happen if Russell stays. Stupid idiots.

Speaking of stupid idiots, this brings me to Michele. The HG's got a half way party yesterday to celebrate the fact that they've made it to the Jury House. The feeds went down and the HG's got music, food, and alcohol (the Have-Nots were able to eat and drink for 2 hours). When the feeds came back, guess who had a few too many sips of wine? You got it. The Ass Licker. We all know by now that when the Ass Licker drinks she gets loose lipped and skittles fall from the clouds. A giant scratch and sniff rainbow straddles the sky and Michele begins to talk about butthole pleasures. No surprises here - Michele gets off on it. She asks Jordan, "Have you ever had a finger up there?" Jordan says yes but it was weird. Michele, clad in a brown potato sack, licks her eyeball and says, "I'm only happy answering butt sex questions because lots of people already have butt sex." Yes Michele, but all of those people aren't on a live feed with thousands of others watching. Those butt sex people aren't touching themselves ferociously fidgeting for all the world to see. They're at home shoving things up their asses in private. Unlike you, Ass Licker.

Jordan then begins to tell a tale of a porno she once saw where people dressed up as pigs begin to lick each other's asses, "They were just going to town. They got a meal." Naturally, Michele got all hot and bothered. Ass Licking is her forte and anything ass licking related is right up her alley (so to speak). The conversation then turns to Michele's nocturnal moans. Bitch moans, screams, and talks in her sleep. It freaks out the HG's and it's apparently freaked out others in Michele's life as well. She'd talk shit about her college roommates in her sleep and then wake up to find them all pissed at her. It caused her a lot of problems in college (obviously before Debbie came to her rescue). Jordan chimes in and says she's had 2 sex dreams in the house. Jeff perks up and says, "Oh really?". She says they weren't about anyone in the house and then Jeff punched himself in the balls. Jordan goes on to tell a story about Casey waking up in his old man "whitey tighties" with a boner. Ewww. Just ewww.

When I was little I was a sleepwalker. I'd wander the neighborhood at night and then wake up with dirty feet wondering how they got that way. I'd also eat crazy things in my sleep too and then I'd wake up and vomit everything I had eaten. My mom would get so pissed off thinking I'd purposely eaten a whole box of chocolates she'd hidden away from all us kids when in fact I had no idea the chocolates were in the house in the first place. My magical powers would take over as I slept and I'd discover my mother's hidden chocolates and I'd eat every single one of them. I woke up sick to my stomach barfing and my mom made me go to school anyways. Bitch! Whenever I'd spend the night at friends houses I'd wake up repeatedly through the night and find myself in different peoples beds. I remember one night in Corona Del Mar. I woke up in my friends brothers bed, in her older sisters bed, in her parents bed, and then on the floor of a bathroom. What the hell was going on with me as a kid? So weird. I don't do that now of course. Now when I wake up in mysterious beds I usually have an inkling of an idea as to how I got there. ;)

Apparently, Big Brother told Michele before she entered the house that her talking in her sleep would equal good ratings. Oh, so is that why she was cast because I still can't for the life of me figure out why she's in that house? Apparently, Ass Licker also has a bad sense of smell. Ok that's way too easy. Insert stinking asshole joke here.

Later Lydia, Chima, and Kevin are in the HOH chit chatting about stuff and Lydia says that Jordan looks a little "withered" lately. Well, tweak my nipples and slap my ass. All the crazy Jordan fans went into a frenzy. How dare Lydia say that?!? Well, I hate to break it to you, but Jordan has been looking very sloppy lately. She's such a pretty girl, but she walks around with her hair all yucky and in dumpy clothes. She sniffs her pits all the time and openly declares that she smells. I'm sorry, but this is horrifying to me! Nothing is quite as offensive as body odor. When Jordan dresses up and looks all put together she's quite lovely. It's just that she rarely bothers to look nice anymore. Lydia isn't as pretty as Jordan and her style is definitely unique and probably not a lot of people's cup of tea, but you have to admit that she spends a lot of time constructing her outfits, fixing her make-up, and styling her hair in unique ways. People rip on Lydia's style all the time, but she has fun with fashion and I don't think I can fault her for that. She takes risks and I kinda dig it. Would I wear Lydia's outfits? Probably not, but I try not to judge people for having fun with fashion. My favorite designer is Jean Paul Gaultier. I like things that are a little wild rather than something you'd find in a J. Crew catalogue.

Kevin and Chima chime in saying that whoever makes it to the final 2 and takes Jordan with them is a moron. I wholeheartedly agree. It would be very tough going up against her in the final even though she's essentially done nothing worthwhile in this game. Chima says she'll be livid if Jordan wins. I'm going to do something crazy and agree with Chima on this one. The one time Jordan had a teeny tiny bit of power (when she could assign the Have-Not's) she completely fucked up and turned it into a joke. Jordan lost me as a fan when she asked Jeff to carry her to the Jury House. She hasn't won anything, she hasn't made any important decicsions, she gossips when Jeff tells her specifically not to, and she's a fucking moron. Yes, she's cute, charming, and lovely, but she should NOT win this game. It would be an insult to the entire Big Brother franchise. If Jeff got evicted next week, Jordan would be completely lost. She'd probably team up with Russell or something and have him carry her along then. Sure, she's comedic relief, but that's about it.
This brings us to the weirdest fight yet this season. Russell and Michele are in the splish splash room and Russell is working her over for a vote. He's telling her that his main goal is to get Chima out and that Michele would be safe if he stayed. Michele is chewing her lips, nodding ferociously, and itching her butthole in agreement. THEN Jessie comes barging in. He leans over and talks to Russell like he's a child. Russell explodes saying he's just doing what he has to to stay in the game. He's not going to sit back and die, he's gonna fight to stay in the house. Jessie turns and yells to Michele, "Didn't you just tell me he called you crazy?" Michele bites her lip and farts. Then Jessie and Russell REALLY get into it coming frighteningly close to kissing each other in the process. Hot. Not. LOL

The fight gets really intense with lots of shouting, finger pointing, and posing. Yes, posing. Russell imitates Jessie doing his fey bodybuilder poses and Jessie's pin head looks like it's about to explode. When the fight finally ends IN A HUG, chatters and tweeters everywhere were totally confused. It turns out the 2 meatheads followed through with their plan (made a few days ago and outlined here) to pretend not to like each other. Remember when Russ told Jessie he could go after him if he wanted in order to keep up appearances? I think the fight was a little bit of that and a little bit of, "We are total morons fighting about nothing, let's just kiss and make up." A lot of what was said was legitimate and came from the heart, but in the end they gazed into each other's eyes and fell in love.

Please to enjoy:

The whole time that weird sexual fight was going on, Natalie had run upstairs to report it all to Chima & The Gang (much like Kool & The Gang). She's foaming at the mouth scratching her scabies saying that Michele has them all played and that she's the mastermind loving all of this. Ragamuffin says, "Michele is a fucking snake dude." Jordan shortly thereafter runs up and starts telling every secret everyone has ever told her in her short trailer parked life. Does Jordan really think those people in the HOH are her friends? Doesn't she know they all see her as a threat? Is Jordan really that clueless to trust them? Yes, my dear readers, she is. Yes, she doesn't have a filter and yes, she'll ending up screwing Jeff in the end. I'm sure of it. She'll reveal something down the road - something she should keep secret and Jeff will get mad and explode. I can totally see it happening.

Ragamuffin, itching for more scandal, sneaks back downstairs and tries to spy on Russell and Jessie. She overhears their love fest and decides to join them. She tells Russell that his biggest mistake was putting Ronnie on the block and evicting him. That was what pushed everyone over the edge she claims. Yes, this was the instigating factor, but his fight with Chima is what permanently cemented the tiff.

Jessie later goes up to the HOH and informs them that Russell was just trying to do whatever he could to stay in the game. He says that Russell will be going home in 9th place but with 4th place money (since he won his cash prize). Russ said, "I don't care. I want to win first place." Michele starts licking her palms and stammers, "He never apologized to me for calling me crazy." Oh shut up you psychotic freak! You are crazy. Plain and simple. No apologies needed.

Chima, never one to leave a group unoffended, goes on to say how she sees Russell going to prison one day. He'll be locked up with all the sociopaths and end up killing his wife. OK Chima. A man rejects you and now he's a psychotic lady killer? She continues on saying he needs shrinks, meds, and electroshock therapy. As a fan of all institutionalized crazy people, you offend me Chima! The crazies are here for us to learn from. Give me a book about someone locked up in a state run hospital and I'm in heaven. Susanna Kaysen, Elizabeth Wurtzel, Sylvia Plath, Norah Vincent... the pantheon of crazy girl writers. I love each and every one of them. Could Chima Simone be next on that list? The only person in this house I see committed (other than Michele, she's a given) is Chima. Please Chima tell detailed stories about how the Haldol makes you drool and the plastic on the community couches sticks to your ass. I'll be first in line to buy your memoir. I promise.

So that's where we are. The fit will be hitting the shan tonight, even though it'll be a pretaped shan. Here's what I'd like to see happen: Jeff uses the Wizard Power, puts Natalie and Jessie on the block. Jessie goes home. Russell then wins HOH, resolidifies his alliance with Jeff and Jordan, nominates Natalie and Chima, and Chima goes home next week. I want Chima to have the most hellish week of her life. If another HOH can provide that, then that's fine, but I think there's a certain beauty to Russ getting it. It will infuriate Chima and whatever infuriates Chima delights me!

Who do you guys want to win HOH and why?

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  1. Ditto, that is exactly how I want to see it go down. Nothing would be sweeter!

  2. Lala, I have to disagree. If HOH doesn't fall to Jeff or Jordan, then they need to go on the block. That is the best move for any of them strategically. Laura was correct when she told Ronnie that what you don't want are two people playing the game together. They need to be split. Jeff might be a better competitor, but Jordan is the threat. But you're correct. These people play with their feelings. Whoever gets eliminated tonight will be avenged if their friend makes HOH. Jessie makes another good point about why Russell is in Chima's sights. He took out Ronnie. Chima's most trusted ally.

  3. Lala,
    I feel the same way you do, I want Chima to go crazy tonight, I want Jessie and Nat up.....But, I can't help feeling that BB is taking a manipulative hand by introducing the Wizard, I did'nt like it before and I'm not happy with it now, they've taken the game away from the players..having said all that, I can't wait to see Chima's, Natalie's and Jessie's face if Jeff does what he's expected to. One more thing, there is a gentle considerate side to Jess this year.....Oh Well..

  4. rumpole-are you kidding? his gentle considerate side only comes out when he wants you to feels sorry for him and then he goes and acts like a baby because he might get booted! and he is the only one giving any thought to IF the wizard power is used. no one else is thinking ahead to the 'oh sh**!!!' and what should i do to make sure i am no the next one to go.

  5. bye the way lala-you are a riot! i am still laffing about the day when you were typing blind because you had stabbed both of your eyes out cuz you just couldn't take the stupidity in the house anymore!

  6. Deion you're completely right. It would be strategically advantageous to the rest of the house to split up Jeff and Jordan. Personally though, I'd rather see Chima or Ragamuffin go home first simply because they annoy me to death. It's a completely selfish reason and I totally own up to it.

    Rumpole, I wouldn't exactly say Jessie is gentle and considerate. I do think he's a playing a very different and highly cautious game though. He's weighing his options before he reacts and he's really the only one completely petrified about Jeff using the Wizard Power. I'm really surprised no one else has bothered to worry more.

    kk thanks! It was very painful when I stabbed my eyes out and they've only just begun to heal.

  7. If Jeff does NOT use the power that we have bestowed on him, I want him GONE next week.

    If he uses it:
    I'd like Jessie and Nat up, Nat goes home, Chima loses her 'female power trip' (and Russ stays, double whammy), Jess loses his closest ally. They both suffer with giant boils and nervous break-downs and have to be removed.

    Jeff wins HOH, Lydia and Michelle get Russ to occupy Jordan, they then go to hoh room, attack Jeff and have a butt-licking orgy. Kevin comes in, cries cause he wasn't included and tells Jordan, Jordan gets mad and jumps Russ's bone. Am I allowed daydreams??

    Why CBS is kissing Chima's butt, I have no idea, but am sick of it. If I had my way, Chima would be in debt to them from all her fines.

    Later, girl. Oh, have you made decision on blogging Survivor. It's my favorite, really hope you do... Kisses

  8. Chia pet isn't worried about the wizard power because she usually gets her way and can't see beyond that. That's why tonight will be especially delicious if Jeff uses the power.

    Jordan WILL be Jeff's downfall. Her stupidity annoys the shit out of me, but Chima's hypocritical self takes the cake.

    As long as Chima ends up going home next week, I'm good. Honestly can't take the hyena laugh any longer. I would also like her to go from the penthouse to the slums and be a have-not this week. BB is catering to her big time and there has to be a reason why. Sure, they showed her calling Russell a terrorist on TV, but then showed a short clip of him terrorizing HG's as if to validate her point. What they neglected to show was Chima calling him a terrorist behind his back simply because he is Lebanese and has a friend who flies planes. CBS also didn't show her coming up with a way to call him a terrorist and get away with it.

    That being said, I would like to see pictures of Kevin's sweetie pie, Jeff's brother, or Lydia's friends. I realize that's not a reasonable miracle request for God but one can dream…

  9. Yaya, yes I'll be blogging Survivor. I've already secured the address, but nothing is on the site yet. When we get closer to the premiere, I'll post more details.

    Exactly Ella Rae! It bothered me to no end that Chima actually looked half way decent in that terrorist fight when in actuality she's an evil little bigot.

  10. Lala, I am so glad I have you to update me every day, I don't really miss the drama of the chats on the live feeds this year. You make me laugh with every post. I always knew you were "someone who actually like cares about others", and I totally love your insight into the hgs. Cannot wait for tonites show. Hugs!

  11. Wow, this blog is funny. I laugh my a** (oops, sorry, Michele) off reading it.

    Definitely Jeff must put up Jessie & Natalie. Then when 1 of them goes home he only has to worry about the other winning HOH because Chima can't play. Unless, of course, Kevin and/or Lydia grow a pair and decide to make him pay....

  12. As an African American woman, I have not enjoyed reading about how Chima has been carrying herself on the show & treating Russell. Is there any chance that maybe CBS is letting her get away with her nonsense because in previous seasons, all of the African American women HGs have either been portrayed badly nor have they advanced very far into the game?!

  13. I don't know miz cynical. Monica (BB2) made it to the final three in 2001. She was an amazing player and very well liked and could have possibly won had she made it to the Final 2. Chima is striking me as someone who is being very difficult to everyone behind the scenes as well as in the house. As you'll find out in tomorrow's blog, she had to be bribed tonight to keep her cool. I'm thinking she's threatened to leave probably 10 times over and BB is being forced to placate her.

  14. First off, another wonderfully written blog by the EXTREMELY Gifted, TOTALLY Entertaining, & PISS Your Pants Hilarious Lala!!(ok maybe the later could've used a, started to say more colorful LOL, better adjective, but my point is made, so case closed. Thanks yet again. Your hard work, time & dedicaton to all things Bitchy Blog do not go unnoticed! Every day I read. Every day I laugh. Every day I'm impressed. And every night I look forward to doing it all over again. Ok, I better stop I would hate to be compared to an ass kisser, worse yet an "ass-licker". While I'm sure you have a very cute little ass. LOL ;) A real woman can compliment another woman's ASSets, beauty, brains & more, instead of being a jeolous bitch who thinks she is better than any other woman or man for that fact.

    Hmmmmmmmm Didn't plan it, but what a perfect way to get to my comments and since I'm already on the subject I will start with Chima the Diva-diculous person. It's just so hard to consider her actions to be that of a lady or a woman in general. She was totally acting a fool on our "LIVE" eviction show tonight. (kudos for that too) For a 34yr old "woman" who claims she is sooooo strong sure does not act like anything but a hypocrictical, stereo-typing, rude & disrespectful and very unappreciative person.
    Enough on her I would rather dedicate my time typing with my lil fingers on "The REAL Houseguests of Big Brother" (not to mention I'm typing with a major migraine & right now just thinking of her&her actions makes my head feel how I imagine your eyeballs must have felt the other day Lala. ;)

    Well first off, I'm so glad you don't have to be hating on Jeff now. I'm sure all the Jeffy-pooh crazed women out there apprec, as he would say.

    Well, I must say the pissy moaning HG's that are mad because Jeff used the Coup D'etat need to get over it NOW!!

    Personally, my thoughts are as follows...these people signed up, signed a contract, cleared their calendars & committed themselves to PLAY A GAME!!!!! Have they forgot that??? I mean, come on...someone finally stepped up to the plate, or should I say up to the lane, to get the ball rolling on this little game called Big Brother.

    So HG's stop the whining & play the game already. I mean what the heck do you think you are in that house for? A high school slumber party??? I say WTG Jeff!! Now, as you stated Lala, is the time to forget the sappy feelings and act like you want and are trying to win a half a million bucks you bitches.

    I do hope someone will get the the the CHIA pet CHima, grandma told us how her name really is pronounced, u go I was saying get her OUT!!! Clearly she has made it more clear that she thinks she is on a freakin vacation and that the BB producers and crew are there to cater to her, puh lease Omarossa....ok..

    sorry for the long post and any typos cuz my head hurts to f'n bad to check point (and opinions) for the night have been made...

    p.s. woohoo for survivor :)

    p.s.s. sorry a nite light(my eyes can't take the regular light right now, ok Corrrrny lol)ok the nite light that just clicked on 4 a brief moment...If the tables were turned and CHima was NOT the HOH & she received the "Wizard Power" and Russell wasn't on the block that she would've done anything differently...I feel confident saying damn straight she'd not just use it but laugh and eat it all up and then some....Seriously, why, why, why does she THINK this game is played on her terms and her terms alone...again PUH LEASE Biatch....

  15. lala- please let cbs BB know(in your oh-so-cute way) that they are being bad parents for letting their children do whatever they want and be in control of the game instead of them! they have rules and dont enforce. why would chima EVER change if there is no consequence. dock her pay and the rest of those twits should fall in line.
    glad you get to still love jeffy :)

  16. I've thought from the beginning that Russell & Jessie are WAY MORE into each other than is portrayed in the footage. Jessie obviously had no real interest in those two silly girls that kept throwing themselves at him. It was simply his game play to keep them interested. I watched that fight scene, and was certain that the two of them would start making out. I guess they will save that for the jury house. Lydia & Natalie are going to be so disappointed to have to watch that show, but damn, I want to see it!