Where do I begin? *looks around the room* Seriously, where do I begin? So many thoughts swimming in my head right now that I'm having a hard time getting them in order - never mind the fact that you crazy bitches have been tweeting me all morning anticipating today's blog. My face itches, my palms are sweating, my leg is jittery, my heart races, my eyes are blinking uncontrollably, I'm thinking about taking my cup of coffee and dumping it over my head rather than down my throat. Why, it's almost as if... it's almost as if I was this girl:
When a nervous awkward Ass Licker is in power and I'm forced to watch her try to eat her face all night, I can't help but take on some of her mannerisms as my own. It's unsettling. Someone get me a vat of Xanax and Klonopin for the week. I'm gonna need it. Halcion, haldol, seconal, ludes, whatever Michael Jackson was taking... I need it all. Send it to 666 Anal Love Lane, Somewhere, Virginia. Thank you.
First, let's discuss the "live" show. I'm sure I would have found it to be a lot more exciting if I hadn't already known what happened. I swore up and down I was going to avoid all the spoilers, but if I turn off my Tweetdeck my head detaches itself from my body and that's not good for anyone so, yes, I knew everything that happened beforehand. Big Brother, I implore you, can we please not go through that again? I like to be surprised by my Thursday shows. As a feed watcher, I usually know everything that'll go down on the Sunday and Tuesday shows and Thursday is my only real day of genuine innocence and delight when it comes to Big Brother. Having people tweeting the details killed something for me. My wide-eyed Jordan-inspired awe and wonder was replaced with a bitter, cynical, know-it-all smugness I typically revile in others. I didn't like it and I place my blame solely with CBS.... and Chima.
So the devilish wild weaved woman essentially behaved herself on the "live" show. Do you want to know why? She was bribed with Chinese Food. I shit you not. The HG's were told that if they didn't act like psychotic hosebeasts during the show that they would be rewarded with Chinese Food. The girls were also given extra beauty products to keep them in line. Every single female in that house in PMSing and the tears and anger will be on the brink of disaster for the next week. Big Brother is essentially just throwing face lotions and sodium at them to keep them at bay. I picture a frigtened BB hiding behind a half opened door just chucking things to all the girls. "Here bitches... here's some Estee Lauder! Here's some Lo Mein... extra MSG! Leave me alone!"
Since the show was taped, by the time the feeds came back all the dust had settled. There were no tantrums, no screaming, no hair pulling, no kicking, no nothing. Bitches were just laying around calming discussing everything. What a buzzkill! I needed to see Chima try to decapitate someone! Instead all I got was her complaining that her HOH reign was a bust. To put things in perspective Chima, Lyida, and Natalie are mad that someone bothered to play the game. Jeff actually did something strategic and the bitches are all pissed that his strategy didn't jive with their plans to run the house and now they're gonna cry and moan about it like petulant children. Even Kevin is all bitchy about how Jessie dissed him on the way out. His scarf was askew and he kept straightening out his eyebrows with his pinky finger. Jessie made him all flustered and sad. Oh actually, Chima did knock over Russell's suitcase and dump all his clothes out. That was her big payback. Russell spent the rest of the night calling her immature to Jeff and Jordan.
What did I think of Lydia crying last night? Well, you can't call her a slut anymore. That's the first thing that came to my mind. She really liked Jessie (which is a repugnant fact I totally acknowledge). She really liked him and she was hurt when he left. Pathetic as that is, the girl is not a slut for hooking up with a guy she likes. So all of you Slut Trashers can stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Jessie was (and is) Lydia's downfall in this game. I hate him for that. Instead of blaming Lydia for falling for him in the first place, I'll blame Jessie for being a total douche. He put her up, he played with her emotions, he made her jealous, he fooled around with her, he voted to evict her, and basically turned her into the emotional wreck we have now. Yes, Lydia was probably fragile to begin with, but it's much more fun for me to just blame Jessie so I'll stick with that.
In what has to be the weirdest turn of events, Natalie and Lydia could be a new twosome. They've bonded in all things Manbeast. It's kind of gross actually. It's amazing to me how much power Jessie actually had over these women. Now that he's gone, they're lost, dazed, confused, and wondering how they'll put one foot in front of the other. Totally weird for a guy who didn't really do all that much to have that kind of power. It's sick how girls lose themselves over a man. Men make women crazy, irrational, and pathetic. I'm getting an idea here... what if we had an all female Big Brother? The women would be forced to use their brains instead of their hearts. People like Jordan would never sail through to the Jury House and people like Lydia would never fall apart over some silly testosterone. Everyone's cycles would synch up and they'd all want to kill each other once a month. Get Alison Grodner on the phone!
OK so when the feeds finally came back Chima kept saying, "you don't know how much I want to go home right now.". The spoiled brat didn't get her way and now she wants to leave. She thinks it's unfair that America got to award to the Coup D'Etat to someone. Kevin adds fuel to the fire saying that Boogie actually competed for his Coup D'Etat his season. Chima thinks she could have won it too if she was given the chance. Wahh, wahh, wahhh. Shut the fuck up bitch. Kevin says (referring to Jeff), "If I had known it was a popularity contest, I would hang out and NOT play (BB) all day too." OK I'm pissed. I'm so pissed that Kevin is actually defending Chima and taking her side. I like him as a person but I really hate who he's chosen to align with. He's telling Chima everything she wants to hear... which is basically how evil Russell is, "Russell is going to dig his own grave. He's a perpetual liar". He thinks Jeff, Jordan, and Michele don't really care for Russ at all. He tells Chima, "The worst thing you can do in a war is underestimate your enemy." Chima loves this wisdom and sucks on her lips thinking about it.
Here's a little clip of a very bitter Chima. Please to enjoy:
So Chima is paranoid about Russell and Jeff working together and Natalie thinks she's going on the block. She has no idea how to approach Michele about it. I mean, seriously, how do you talk to an Ass Licker? You know that Jamie Walters song, "How do you talk to an angel?"? The one that was in 90210. Well, I've got a new version... "How do you talk to an ass licker?" I'm sure I can get Jamie to record it. Isn't he working construction now or something? I'm sure he'd welcome the gig. Ragamuffin wants to march into Michele and start threatening her with past promises she's made, but Chima tells her not to do that. They sit and plan the best way to approach Michele and I'm sure I heard the words "lube" and "cock ring" thrown around. I'm just saying...
This bring us to the big HOH reveal. Michele stumbles out of the DR and rattles her key like a total spaz while sputtering, "Who wants to see my HOH room?" Everyone just kind of looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders muttering, "Uh yeah I guess... I mean, what else have we got to do?" Michele, STILL wearing her nasty green sweat stained shirt with the ugly chunky plastic necklace (Did you see her pit stains during the HOH comp? I almost spit out my wine in disgust!) trips up the stairs and fumbles with her key in the doorlock. Personally, I think that act of sticking one thing into another (like a key in a lock) drives Michele wild and she spontaneously orgasms. After an eternity, she gets the door open and she stutters and stammers out some "Awwwwws" and grunts.Some of Michele's pictures showed her with blue hair and blonde hair and others showed her crazy distant relatives that no one in their right mind gives a shit about. Lydia was impressed with Michele's willingness to try to new hair colors while Chima was busy pouting and trying to keep her lower lip from dragging on the floor. There was Ben and Jerry's ice cream in the freezer and a stuffed rat on the table. Her HOH basket was filled with the finest selection of hand crafted dildos you've ever seen (thanks Luva_!). She had marble ones, plastic ones, double headed ones, vibrating ones, anal ones, purple ones, black ones, red ones... A cornucopia of penii if you will. Buckets of lube sat on the floor and a harness with handcuffs was laid out on the bed. Jordan looked frightened and kept staring at Michele with a weird sideways glance for the rest of the night. Natalie immediately tried to strap on every dildo she could find. Ragamuffin always wanted to have a penis. Russell got turned on and had to rub one out immediately while Jeff tried to read the instructions that came with the anal beads. He was having trouble sounding out "sphincter".
After Natalie ass raped Lydia with a giant marble dildo, Michele read her letter to everyone. It took her an hour to finish the damn thing because she kept trying to lick her eyeballs the whole time. She was moving around and fidgeting a lot and Jeff couldn't figure out what the hell she was doing. Finally, Jordan tapped him on the shoulder and pointed at the ground under Michele's feet. She was standing in a puddle of her own urine wiggling her toes in her DNA. It was a frightful scene and everyone just really wanted it to end - me, especially. Her husband wrote to her about how anal sex isn't the same without her, but how the yoga poses he's worked on has made it almost possible for him to lick his own ass while Michele was away, and something about leaving his grody whiskers in the sink for her. (another mission to save the muffin has failed) He ended the letter with a story about poo. I'm totally not kidding! He mentioned how their dog pooped on the rug and how he's saving it for Michele because he knows how she likes to paint the walls with it or some shit like that.
Witness all the fuckery for yourself:
Michele gets her HOH
After all was said and done I was shocked to see everyone STILL hanging out in the HOH. I thought they'd absolutely run for the door and seek out a picture of Jesus or something to heal their eyes and quiet their minds, but no, they stayed and waited amongst the vile stench trying to get a word with Michele. Chima won that contest. Bitch outwaited everyone else. Her weave has absorbed most of the bodily fluids Michele was expelling so she totally had an unfair advantage. Chima wants to get down to business, but Michele just sits there chewing her face for a while yammering on about her husband's poop chute. Chima just nods politely and placates her with some intermittent, "Uh huh.... oh yes... he seems nice... good thing you met him.... so he enjoys your tongue.... I see... " Finally, Michele pauses to pick her nose and eat it and Chima sees her opening.
Chima tells Michele that she's still reeling from the day's events. She wants Michele to remember everything Russell has ever said to her. Michele nods violently at this and farts out an old anal bead she forgot about. She picks it up and sucks on it while Chima goes on about Russell. She tells Michele he's still lying, he came off the block lying, and he'll continue lying until he's finally out of the house. Michele shouts "Sucking fucking lemon poopers! Bozo ate my poop!" Chima just stares at her shocked and continues on. I'm thinking Michele is shouting out her past "safe words" she uses with her husband, but seriously, who the hell knows?
Natalie enters shortly thereafter. She's just gotten finished violating Jordan with the purple dildo and now she wants a new one to test out. Chima manages to get Natalie to focus on the task at hand and Natalie begins to talk to Michele about nominations. Ragamuffin outlines how her "word" is all she has to give and that how this "word" of hers is like a golden anal plug (she knows exaclty how to appeal to Michele's sensibilities). Michele has her fist in her mouth as she's listening to all of this and Chima is sitting quietly shaking her head but motioning for Natalie to continue. Natalie takes the double headed dildo and caresses it while saying, "I'm just assuming Russ is going up after all the things he's said to you. I can offer you my word. I can give you my word, my integrity, anything I’m about. If I’m here next week you are not my target. Do you mind if I borrow this double header? Lydia is downstairs waiting...”
They all have their Chinese Banquet and this brings us to the a scene that will make you run for the tissues. Oh no, you won't be crying. You'll be jacking off to the hilarity of others crying. Let me set the scene for you... a giant round table, open containers of Kung Pao Chicken and Beef with Broccoli, have drunk bottles of wine, and 4 lonely women (Lydia, Chima, Natalie, Kevin) weeping openly over Jessie's absence. Chima says he was a saint. He never hurt anyone and always prayed before his meals. She's going to write the Vatican to get him canonized as soon as she's out of the house. Lydia is terribly upset that Jordan hasn't bothered to console her or stand up for what's right in the house (apparently Jessie was right and every thing was wrong). Lydia states, "I'm sorry but Russell, Jeff, Jordan are my targets now." She says Jordan is a ho to Jeff's pimp. She does everything Jeff tells her to do and that now makes her his ho. I know, I know Jeff and Jordan fans... grab your pitchforks and Lydia Hate Posters and start marching to Studio City.
My lovely clip girl just sent me the crazy ass cry fest clip. Please to enjoy:
The sad lonely women make it their mission to convince Michele to put up Russell. They say it's a matter of revenge now. They don't care about the money, their cult leader Jessie is gone and now, like Squeaky Fromme (who just got released from prision today) to her Manson... they will avenge all that is evil in the world for their dear lord and master Jessie. It's only a matter of time until they shave their heads and carve swastikas into their foreheads. Is Vincent Bugliosi still practicing law? I've got a new case for him he might be VERY interested in. Jordan better watch her back. Now that Natalie's stolen all of Michele's strap-ons Jordan definitely won't get a moments peace.
Michele, happy from having an erotic session that included her sticking various things up her rectum, trots downstairs glowing and stinking of god knows what. She tells Jeff, Jordan, and Russell how Natalie tried to convince her to not put her on the block. Natalie stole her double headed dildo so basically all bets are off. You just don't steal a girls dildo! That's like going against the girl code or something. Russell kisses her ass and laughs at her jokes and thinks he's safe with this new foursome (Michele, Russ, Jeff, Jordan).
Squeaky, Susan, Patricia, and Linda (my new names for Lydia, Kevin, Chima, and Natalie - I knew my past fascination with all things Charlie Manson would come in handy one day) spend the rest of the night stealing blankets and threatening to walk if they're Have-Not's this week. Lydia wants to stalk Jeff in his sleep and hide all his clothes. Chima gives a rousing speech about they're "not dumb bitches, they're smart bitches!"Natalie gets scared Kevin will jump ship and go to the other side (please do it Kevin, please do it, I really want to continue liking you). Lydia tells Natalie Kevin called her names in the past to Natalie's total shock. Lydia is unravelling... you may have thought she had bought the farm before, but oh noooooooo my dear readers. I'm predicting a week of utter Lydia lunacy, Chima threateninig to quit thousands of times, and Natalie not knowing where to turn without her leader. While all of this goes down, Michele will be snug in her bed sucking her thumb on one hand while her other hand is firmly wedged up her ass.
Early yesterday evening I would have said Michele would nominate Natalie and Russell no questions asked, but now that she's got her cornucopia of penii stimulating her nether regions she's going in an entirely different direction. As of late last night it's looking like Chima will be going on the block with Natalie. Jeff is still holding on to that secret of Lydia and Jessie hooking up repeatedly and I don't really know how or when he plans to use it to his advantage. If he waits too long, it won't matter anymore. One thing is for sure, this coming weekend will be far from boring with the Manson girls playing their juvenile revenge games.