It was a cold and cloudy day in California. The locusts have ravaged the countryside. Threats of a typhoon loomed over Studio City. Sandstorms blew through downtown Los Angeles. The tiny grains of sand feeling like miniature bullets ... that didn't happen either, did it? Ughhh. I don't even know where to begin.
Lydia went home and I'm not happy. That stupid roley poley cunt Jordan didn't use the veto and now she's dead to me. I will give her credit for winning POV. She did very well in that competition, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd like to see her go into a Diabetic coma from too much cookie dough. I would LOVE for Russell to win HOH next week and put Jeff and Jordan on the block with Jordan going home. Who the hell keeps a strong physical threat in the game this close to the end? Kevin and Natalie can't win anything physical! Sure, I'm rooting for Kevin and Natalie BUT Russell has said he knows he can't win against Jeff or Jordan. If I was Jeff or Jordan that would be a HUGE red flag that I need to eliminate this person from the game. I truly believe they fucked up big time last night. They've both already ganged up on Russell and we know Russell doesn't forget a damn thing. You look at him wrong and he'll use it to get you out the next week. Jeff and Jordan may be sitting pretty this week, but I think next week will be their demise. Jeff won't be able to play in HOH and Jordan won't win it unless Jeff throws it to her.
So yes, if you haven't heard, Jeff won HOH and I shoved a fire place poker in my eye. It's still there. I didn't bother to pull it out. I mean, why bother? Jordan is safe another week and I really have no reason to see out of two eyes. I'll just sit here and get tetanus and begin to decay and smell of gangrene. I'm the worst loser. I admit it. I kick and scream and throw tantrums and that's what makes me so damn lovable. The feeds were also major fuckers last night. I think the feed master is a Kevin fan and took it out on us feed watchers. We only saw maybe 30 seconds of the competition and I managed to get the screenshot above and I have no other footage than that. From what I can gather Kevin lost by 1 can. 1 CAN! *weeps uncontrollably*
The chat hags went into a simultaneous hot flash and all they could type was "WOOHOO!" over and over and over again. I was forced to pull out my menopausal chat hag voodoo dolls and curse them all with shingles and rickets. I threw in a little Irritable Bowel Syndrome just for kicks. I want those bitches on the toilet and itching. For a week I'll be forced to listen to... "Jeff and Jordan are so cute!", "He loves her so much!", "Jordan is so precious. I wish I had a daughter like her.", "Isn't Jordan so cute? You have to love her!" No, I don't have to love her. I hate her. She gives public schools a bad name. Yesterday before the live show she was playing a game with Jeff and she didn't know what the Louvre was! How can you not know what the Louvre is? How is this not common knowledge? She couldn't guess that a light bulb was something you screw in (she said nails) and she's just so fucking STUPID! I can't deal with it anymore. Seriously, she drives me crazy. I'm going to be brutal with her. Prepare yourselves.
After the HOH, we learned that Michele and Russell are now Have-Not's. I have no idea why or how that fit into the HOH, but they are and they can both suck it as far as I'm concerned. Natalie and Kevin keep to themselves and they started stealth whispering making it impossible to hear anything. Natalie says she'll lay low until ater the nominations and not make a fuss. My first thought was, "Ragamuffin think of a lie... quick!" Her super lying powers are desperately needed right now. It's so easy to convince Jeff that something is amiss and Jordan is already suspicious of Russell and Michele. Ragamuffin needs to pull something great out of her ass and put it into motion. You can do it Ragamuffin. I have faith in you.
Kevin and Natalie plan on approaching Jeff and Jordan to pitch a Final 4 deal. They would be IDOTS not to take it. Russell and Michele are good in competitions. Kevin and Natalie are crap. Jeff could easily dominate them and sail into the Final 2. If he keeps Russell and Michele, he's got an intense uphill battle ahead of him. It is in his best interest to team up with Kevin and Natalie. If he doesn't team up with them, then I hope Russell and Michele evict his ass (and his tubby little sidekick too) and Russ wins the whole damn game. This is such a nondecision in my eyes. It's just common sense to take the weak through to the final endurance comp. Jeff taking Michele and Russell all the way to the final endurance comp will be the biggest mistake of his life. Mark my words.
We ended up waiting FOREVER for Jeff to get his HOH room. I imagine Big Brother had quite a task cleaning up after Jordan. There were probably chocolate chips embedded in the carpet, crumbs in the bed, cookie dough finger prints all over the frames, cheetoh cheesey handprints on the walls, and whipped cream lining the bathtub. They had to use an army of cleaning ladies to make the room sanitary enough to prevent the cockroaches from settling in.
Jeff finally gets his room and it's just sweet I guess. It's so obvious Big Brother favors him. He got Dolce & Gabbana cologne, Axe body spray, deodorant (are they trying to give him a hint?), his cross from home that he didn't really want cuz he didn't want to lose it, drawings from his nieces, some weird pickled vegetable thing that might be called Jordenair or something like that, vitamin water, cheese, vodka sauce, pasta, wine, COOKIE DOUGH, a fishing hat, some scarves his grandma knitted for him, holy water ("The power of Christ compels you!"), and Bob Marley's Legend CD. Jeff thinks all the deodorant stuff is really for Jordon. Apparently, Jordan has a little issue with body odor. I knew it. She's always sniffing her pits. It's disgusting. Jeff told her she was smelling ripe the other day. LMAO. She needs the power of a man's deodorant I guess. Ok, ummm, holy water? What the fuck? I'm going to have to look up EXORCIST quotes all week because that's just too good to pass up.
Jeff's letter was super short and sounded like it was written to a 12 year old boy. His family is very proud of him and they tell him to stay strong. They gather together every week to watch him on CBS and when they watch him it reminds them of when they would watch him play football. They tell him he's a winner and that someone he knows pooped out a kid. The end. Jeff says that if the letter was any longer he would have cried.
Jordan then goes on and on about how Jeff now looks nothing like Jeff in the pictures. He's lost a little weight and Jordan won't shut the fuck up about it. She can't believe the Jeff in the photos is really him. She thinks he has an evil twin. It really begins to border on rude and I'm not the only one who thought that. Jeff told her to cut it out and you can tell he became a little self conscious. It was at that moment that I envisioned Jordan at a Jeff family function. She'd say moronic stupid things and embarrass Jeff in front of all his friends and family. I think he cares for her, but I really don't see any strong future romantic relationship coming out of this. He likes her and all that, but I think the fact that she's an idiot really bugs him. When they were playing their games earlier it's obvious Jeff went backpacking across Europe after college (so did I!). He's world traveled and can appreciate everything that new places and cultures have to offer. Jordan is nowhere near him mentally and coudn't appreciate the Mona Lisa if it sat on her face. Maybe they'll date for a little bit, but it will not go anywhere beyond that. Jeff needs someone to inspire him and Jordan isn't the least bit inspirational.
Here's the clip (Thanks Shea!). Please to enjoy:
After the HOH reveal Michele is all up on Jeff's jock. She's totally in love with him. Sure, she's worried about her safety but I think the Ass Licker has definitely had a Jeff fantasy or two. She keeps telling him how cute he is in his pictures, but how he's MUCH cuter now. You can tell Jeff just thinks she's weird and mumbles out a thanks.
Natalie spends the rest of the night trashing Lydia and thanking Jeff and Jordan for keeping her. She's tells them that she's loyal, but she knows eventually she'll have to duke it out with them. Outside Michele talks about how much she smells. Ewww. What the hell is up with all these bitches having odor issues? This is such a pet peeve of mine. I once broke up with someone because they stank. I met this person in late winter and come summer time I was history. I didn't have the balls to tell them they stank so I cheated on them instead and made sure to get caught. I thought it was too rude to tell someone to their face that they had odor issues and in my twisted mind cheating was an easier way out. LMAO. I'm such a bitch. I know it. I own it. So yeah Michele stinks and even says at one point last night, "It smells like ass over here... yesss!" (thank you NCSoxFan79!)
There wasn't too much game talk last night, but Kevin did ask Jeff if he was going to be nominated. Jeff told him he has big plans for his nominations. Oh dear god... please Jeff, please do what Lala wants you to do. I promise I'll be semi nice to Jordan if you nominate Michele and Russ. Jeff tells him that he wants everyone to come up to the HOH and talk to him. Jordan tells Kevin how Russell keeps bringing up the fact the he won money as a reason for him to go home. Natlalie chimes in saying that Russell has won the exact same amount of money as Kevin.
Later Russ tells Michele what a kiss ass Natalie is and Michele immediately runs to the HOH to tell Jeff that Russell is scared of going on the block. Jeff tells her to shut up. She leaves after kissing his ass some more and goes back down to Russell to report everything. Russell is super paranoid and my no-no began to slightly tingle. The Leprechaun Protection Services have returned Mr. O'Shaughnessy on the condition that I don't punch him anymore so I've chained him up outside next to a bowl of water. He should be fine. It's only going to be 95 degrees today. His little wool suit won't be too bothersome for him.
The night ends with Jeff and Jordan in the HOH. Jeff is going to need that holy water because he tells Jordan that he's nominating Natalie and Kevin. He'll entertain the idea of backdooring Russell, but POV is going to be very important. Jordan tells him that she'll quit the POV if it has anything to do with riddles. Jeff gets pissed off saying he hates losers and does she want to get to the Final 2 or not? He's banking on her and he needs her to try and not give up. He hates negativity and says he never wants to hear her talking like that again. Then he smacks her around and kicks her out of the room. Ok so maybe I made up that last part. These two are just sooooooooooo boring. Lord knows how I'm going to make this week funny.
Well I'm ending this here. I've got somewhere to be and I'm just getting more angry the more I type. I know I promised you guys a Jeff photo gallery and you'll be getting it today. I'm sick of having his stupid pictures on my computer so this afternoon I'll give all you ladies (and men) lots of masturbation material. The guy does nothing for me, but you all can knock yourselves out and have some fun naughty time.
I'm still waiting on the HOH reveal footage and as soon I get it, I'll send out a tweet.
Have a good day everyone! Death to Jeff and Jordan!