Friday, August 21, 2009

It Smells Like Ass Or Like Jordan's Pits

OK so how cute was Heidi last night? Anyone else think Tim is just becoming a caricature of himself at this point? What the hell is a tweaker doing on the show? Anyone who breaks down in the first few minutes from stress should not be there. I did find the irony of Lindsay trashing a Samantha Ronson look alike to be kind of funny. Samantha has Lindsay by the short and curlies and finally Lindsay was able to fight back... if only in theory. Oh wait... this isn't a Project Runway blog is it? Dammit! You mean I have to talk about that travesty that happened last night on Big Brother? Well, fucking hell. That's no fun.

It was a cold and cloudy day in California. The locusts have ravaged the countryside. Threats of a typhoon loomed over Studio City. Sandstorms blew through downtown Los Angeles. The tiny grains of sand feeling like miniature bullets ... that didn't happen either, did it? Ughhh. I don't even know where to begin.

Lydia went home and I'm not happy. That stupid roley poley cunt Jordan didn't use the veto and now she's dead to me. I will give her credit for winning POV. She did very well in that competition, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd like to see her go into a Diabetic coma from too much cookie dough. I would LOVE for Russell to win HOH next week and put Jeff and Jordan on the block with Jordan going home. Who the hell keeps a strong physical threat in the game this close to the end? Kevin and Natalie can't win anything physical! Sure, I'm rooting for Kevin and Natalie BUT Russell has said he knows he can't win against Jeff or Jordan. If I was Jeff or Jordan that would be a HUGE red flag that I need to eliminate this person from the game. I truly believe they fucked up big time last night. They've both already ganged up on Russell and we know Russell doesn't forget a damn thing. You look at him wrong and he'll use it to get you out the next week. Jeff and Jordan may be sitting pretty this week, but I think next week will be their demise. Jeff won't be able to play in HOH and Jordan won't win it unless Jeff throws it to her.

So yes, if you haven't heard, Jeff won HOH and I shoved a fire place poker in my eye. It's still there. I didn't bother to pull it out. I mean, why bother? Jordan is safe another week and I really have no reason to see out of two eyes. I'll just sit here and get tetanus and begin to decay and smell of gangrene. I'm the worst loser. I admit it. I kick and scream and throw tantrums and that's what makes me so damn lovable. The feeds were also major fuckers last night. I think the feed master is a Kevin fan and took it out on us feed watchers. We only saw maybe 30 seconds of the competition and I managed to get the screenshot above and I have no other footage than that. From what I can gather Kevin lost by 1 can. 1 CAN! *weeps uncontrollably*

The chat hags went into a simultaneous hot flash and all they could type was "WOOHOO!" over and over and over again. I was forced to pull out my menopausal chat hag voodoo dolls and curse them all with shingles and rickets. I threw in a little Irritable Bowel Syndrome just for kicks. I want those bitches on the toilet and itching. For a week I'll be forced to listen to... "Jeff and Jordan are so cute!", "He loves her so much!", "Jordan is so precious. I wish I had a daughter like her.", "Isn't Jordan so cute? You have to love her!" No, I don't have to love her. I hate her. She gives public schools a bad name. Yesterday before the live show she was playing a game with Jeff and she didn't know what the Louvre was! How can you not know what the Louvre is? How is this not common knowledge? She couldn't guess that a light bulb was something you screw in (she said nails) and she's just so fucking STUPID! I can't deal with it anymore. Seriously, she drives me crazy. I'm going to be brutal with her. Prepare yourselves.

After the HOH, we learned that Michele and Russell are now Have-Not's. I have no idea why or how that fit into the HOH, but they are and they can both suck it as far as I'm concerned. Natalie and Kevin keep to themselves and they started stealth whispering making it impossible to hear anything. Natalie says she'll lay low until ater the nominations and not make a fuss. My first thought was, "Ragamuffin think of a lie... quick!" Her super lying powers are desperately needed right now. It's so easy to convince Jeff that something is amiss and Jordan is already suspicious of Russell and Michele. Ragamuffin needs to pull something great out of her ass and put it into motion. You can do it Ragamuffin. I have faith in you.

Kevin and Natalie plan on approaching Jeff and Jordan to pitch a Final 4 deal. They would be IDOTS not to take it. Russell and Michele are good in competitions. Kevin and Natalie are crap. Jeff could easily dominate them and sail into the Final 2. If he keeps Russell and Michele, he's got an intense uphill battle ahead of him. It is in his best interest to team up with Kevin and Natalie. If he doesn't team up with them, then I hope Russell and Michele evict his ass (and his tubby little sidekick too) and Russ wins the whole damn game. This is such a nondecision in my eyes. It's just common sense to take the weak through to the final endurance comp. Jeff taking Michele and Russell all the way to the final endurance comp will be the biggest mistake of his life. Mark my words.

We ended up waiting FOREVER for Jeff to get his HOH room. I imagine Big Brother had quite a task cleaning up after Jordan. There were probably chocolate chips embedded in the carpet, crumbs in the bed, cookie dough finger prints all over the frames, cheetoh cheesey handprints on the walls, and whipped cream lining the bathtub. They had to use an army of cleaning ladies to make the room sanitary enough to prevent the cockroaches from settling in.

Jeff finally gets his room and it's just sweet I guess. It's so obvious Big Brother favors him. He got Dolce & Gabbana cologne, Axe body spray, deodorant (are they trying to give him a hint?), his cross from home that he didn't really want cuz he didn't want to lose it, drawings from his nieces, some weird pickled vegetable thing that might be called Jordenair or something like that, vitamin water, cheese, vodka sauce, pasta, wine, COOKIE DOUGH, a fishing hat, some scarves his grandma knitted for him, holy water ("The power of Christ compels you!"), and Bob Marley's Legend CD. Jeff thinks all the deodorant stuff is really for Jordon. Apparently, Jordan has a little issue with body odor. I knew it. She's always sniffing her pits. It's disgusting. Jeff told her she was smelling ripe the other day. LMAO. She needs the power of a man's deodorant I guess. Ok, ummm, holy water? What the fuck? I'm going to have to look up EXORCIST quotes all week because that's just too good to pass up.

Jeff's letter was super short and sounded like it was written to a 12 year old boy. His family is very proud of him and they tell him to stay strong. They gather together every week to watch him on CBS and when they watch him it reminds them of when they would watch him play football. They tell him he's a winner and that someone he knows pooped out a kid. The end. Jeff says that if the letter was any longer he would have cried.

Jordan then goes on and on about how Jeff now looks nothing like Jeff in the pictures. He's lost a little weight and Jordan won't shut the fuck up about it. She can't believe the Jeff in the photos is really him. She thinks he has an evil twin. It really begins to border on rude and I'm not the only one who thought that. Jeff told her to cut it out and you can tell he became a little self conscious. It was at that moment that I envisioned Jordan at a Jeff family function. She'd say moronic stupid things and embarrass Jeff in front of all his friends and family. I think he cares for her, but I really don't see any strong future romantic relationship coming out of this. He likes her and all that, but I think the fact that she's an idiot really bugs him. When they were playing their games earlier it's obvious Jeff went backpacking across Europe after college (so did I!). He's world traveled and can appreciate everything that new places and cultures have to offer. Jordan is nowhere near him mentally and coudn't appreciate the Mona Lisa if it sat on her face. Maybe they'll date for a little bit, but it will not go anywhere beyond that. Jeff needs someone to inspire him and Jordan isn't the least bit inspirational.

Here's the clip (Thanks Shea!). Please to enjoy:

After the HOH reveal Michele is all up on Jeff's jock. She's totally in love with him. Sure, she's worried about her safety but I think the Ass Licker has definitely had a Jeff fantasy or two. She keeps telling him how cute he is in his pictures, but how he's MUCH cuter now. You can tell Jeff just thinks she's weird and mumbles out a thanks.

Natalie spends the rest of the night trashing Lydia and thanking Jeff and Jordan for keeping her. She's tells them that she's loyal, but she knows eventually she'll have to duke it out with them. Outside Michele talks about how much she smells. Ewww. What the hell is up with all these bitches having odor issues? This is such a pet peeve of mine. I once broke up with someone because they stank. I met this person in late winter and come summer time I was history. I didn't have the balls to tell them they stank so I cheated on them instead and made sure to get caught. I thought it was too rude to tell someone to their face that they had odor issues and in my twisted mind cheating was an easier way out. LMAO. I'm such a bitch. I know it. I own it. So yeah Michele stinks and even says at one point last night, "It smells like ass over here... yesss!" (thank you NCSoxFan79!)

There wasn't too much game talk last night, but Kevin did ask Jeff if he was going to be nominated. Jeff told him he has big plans for his nominations. Oh dear god... please Jeff, please do what Lala wants you to do. I promise I'll be semi nice to Jordan if you nominate Michele and Russ. Jeff tells him that he wants everyone to come up to the HOH and talk to him. Jordan tells Kevin how Russell keeps bringing up the fact the he won money as a reason for him to go home. Natlalie chimes in saying that Russell has won the exact same amount of money as Kevin.

Later Russ tells Michele what a kiss ass Natalie is and Michele immediately runs to the HOH to tell Jeff that Russell is scared of going on the block. Jeff tells her to shut up. She leaves after kissing his ass some more and goes back down to Russell to report everything. Russell is super paranoid and my no-no began to slightly tingle. The Leprechaun Protection Services have returned Mr. O'Shaughnessy on the condition that I don't punch him anymore so I've chained him up outside next to a bowl of water. He should be fine. It's only going to be 95 degrees today. His little wool suit won't be too bothersome for him.

The night ends with Jeff and Jordan in the HOH. Jeff is going to need that holy water because he tells Jordan that he's nominating Natalie and Kevin. He'll entertain the idea of backdooring Russell, but POV is going to be very important. Jordan tells him that she'll quit the POV if it has anything to do with riddles. Jeff gets pissed off saying he hates losers and does she want to get to the Final 2 or not? He's banking on her and he needs her to try and not give up. He hates negativity and says he never wants to hear her talking like that again. Then he smacks her around and kicks her out of the room. Ok so maybe I made up that last part. These two are just sooooooooooo boring. Lord knows how I'm going to make this week funny.

Well I'm ending this here. I've got somewhere to be and I'm just getting more angry the more I type. I know I promised you guys a Jeff photo gallery and you'll be getting it today. I'm sick of having his stupid pictures on my computer so this afternoon I'll give all you ladies (and men) lots of masturbation material. The guy does nothing for me, but you all can knock yourselves out and have some fun naughty time.

I'm still waiting on the HOH reveal footage and as soon I get it, I'll send out a tweet.

Have a good day everyone! Death to Jeff and Jordan!

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  1. Don't worry Lala. On days when there's nothing else to talk about, we can always relive Jordan's greatest hits. What a twit. I have deleted my #bb11 columns from my Tweetdeck. When the noms come in, I'm sure I'll be further disgusted by Jeff. No need to have it exasperated by tweeters that gave him a pass last week for his hypocrisy regarding the whining, or being just as smug as Jessie now that he's in power. Poor Kevin.

  2. Kevin needs to go if Jeff is smart. It won't take long for Russell and Jeff to talk and figure out that the ONLY reason Kevin didn't win HoH was because Russell used a gold can to freeze Kevin for 1 minute. That in turn incited Kevin to use the gold can on Russell. And Jeff was free to win HoH by one can. Jeff has never come close to beating Kevin without help in a non-physical competition, which means Kevin is a bigger threat than Russell in the Final Four. Also, if Jeff backstabs Russell, Russell will gladly throw his vote to Kevin or Natalie(Kevin may hate Russell but Russell likes Kevin and Kevin hasn't cut any deals). That's 4-2 and Jeff loses against Kevin in the Final Two. Sooner or later, Kevin has to go (Jeff tried backdooring him yesterday but Jordan wasn't having it).

  3. I <3 your blog LOL. Even if you aren't on Team Jeff and Jordan LMAO. Cant wait for the pics!

  4. I'm just happy Mr. O'Shaughnessy was safely returned by LPS and is alive and can he help kick Michelle and Russ's ass out of the house? I have an ex named Russ and he was just as big an ass as the Russ in BB, so it would give me guilty pleasurable tingles in my no-no to watch Mr. O'Shaughnessy open up a can of whoop ass on a Russ!

  5. Ed - I'm now convinced that you are indeed a BB Savant. You never miss a thing. I must throw monkey poop at you though for saying that Kevin has to go soon. No he doesn't! The Scarfed One needs to stay and win the whole kit and kaboodle. Now stick that in your smarty pants pipe and smoke it!

    Deborah - You said "no-no" and you said "tingle". Thank you. I appreciate you caring for Mr. O'Shaugnessy so much. I went ahead and gave him a can of sardines in your honor.

  6. Lala...Jeff's HOH room was no better than anyone else's, so saying he is being favored by BB is ludicrous. Chima got everything she wanted too, and we know where she ended up and how CBS/BB did NOT favor her.

  7. I also couldn't help but notice how Michele was all up Jeff's ass last night. Especially when she was playing pool with him. It's obvious she dreams of a threesome with Jeff and her husband. She asked Jeff to explain how he made a certain shot (omg really…like that isn't overplayed) while simultaneously walking in-between him and the pool table. Jeff cast a look of horror and then kinda just moved aside explaining it to her. Every time she giggled "teehee" I could tell he was about to explode. And not in a good way.

    Whoever wins next week should go after the physical threats. At this point in the game, surely they all know endurance is coming soon.

  8. Ahhh. I honestly quit watching the feeds the minute Lydia got the boot. Too boring. I'll watch the episodes, but screw the feeds. And I do think J/J are both favored by production. They told them it was a bad idea to bd Russ. Damn cheatin' fools. And DO NOT for one minute think that Jordan rocked that Veto comp. She could hear Michel's footsteps on those damn stairs. And she just did whatever Michele did. Why do you think she never took a step BEFORE Michele? You really think genuis Jordan knew all those questions when half the time she can't even remember her own flucking name. Gah. If they don't bd Russ this week, they will not win this game. They may make it to final 4, but they will not make it to f2 and that is okay with me.

  9. Congrats on your 2nd place rating in all things BB. you happen to be my favorite and make my day with your blog! i too am sad to see lydia gone-so i hope they get the feeds into the jury house where the fun will just begin>:} take care of your eyes, take a xanax and relax. and i dooooo LOVE the jeffy pooh pix-thanx

  10. Was watching Project Runway last night, and when Heidi said "One of you will be in, and one of you will be out", my fiance said "I hope Lindsay Lohan is out."
    It cracked me up and I thought I'd share.

  11. Thanks for the unexpected shout out the other day. How sweet are you?

    Now that the formalities are out of the way...may I suggest that you check your porch? Yup, its true...hes gone. I have KIDNAPPED your beloved Mr. O'Shaugnessy!

    No harm will come to your little friend if the Ragamuffin gets the boot this week. I dont know how youre gonna do it...the odds arent in your favor...just make it happen!

    Laura (LOL...whos obviously still taking the pain meds)

  12. #1 I'm VERY sweet. Thank you.

    #2 You bitch! Why does everyone always want to steal my leprechaun? Go get your own damn leprechaun. What you don't know is that Mr. O'Shaughnessy and I are telepathic and that I will be sending him messages how to escape your little den of hell and barbituates. Just when you've popped your last pill he'll sneak out and run back into my arms.

    The Ragamuffin STAYS and that's final!

  13. Last night on BBAD:

    Jordan to Kevin: "What's flaccid mean?" Oy.

    And the butt talk... Kevin told me more than I ever wanted to know. Michele must've been in heaven.

    Loved Nat telling Jeff not to believe anything he hears about her being disloyal. Oh yeah, because nobody (esp. Nat) lies in the BB House.

    Funny stuff Lala re: BB cleaning up Jordan's HOH room.

  14. You Crack Me UP!!! Thanks for the update and the laughs. LOVE YA!

  15. Oh, LaLa, you make my day. I miss crazy train already, she made that show. Jorff are so freakin booooorrrrriiiing, but I do think he is hot(sorry my no-no betrayed my brain on that one). If the universe is just then the scarfed one will win and the bloated one will go home next week. BTW what Jeff got is called giardiniera, it is Italian pickled peppers particularly popular around Chicago.
    p.s. when I was outside your house earlier I noticed Mr. O'Shaughnessy needed more water.