I Hate All These Bitches

(CONFRONTATION CLIPS HAVE BEEN ADDED!)

Yesterday was a day of ups and downs, as well as, mania and depression. To call the house bipolar is an understatement. I, too, had my own highs and lows cheering the HG's on and then mentally stabbing them with a steak knife. There's nothing worse than getting your hopes up and then having them all dashed by an indecisive inhaler of cookie dough. The victim: an innocent pink haired emotionally inept superhero. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with Russell and Michele trashing Jeff. Remember that sentence because it'll be important later. Russ says and I quote, "Jeff and Jordan are too fucking dumb." Sure, he's right, but why the fuck is he confiding in the Ass Licker? Michele begins to bitch about Natalie and her phone call and she's stammering and chewing her face so much that I can't figure out for the life of me what the hell her point is. Michele then goes on to bring up how Natalie mentioned that she needs the prize money because she loses a lot gambling. Hello? McFly? Doesn't this clue you in to her real age? Can it be more obvious that this chick is NOT 18? Russ and Michele talk about how Natalie is definitely playing the game and they think it's in their best interest to get rid of her.

Their discussion turns to Lydia where Russ says she's acting like an idiot and doesn't have the "young charming quality" that Natalie does. OK. That made me laugh that Russ thinks the Ragamuffin is charming. He says that Lydia has nothing going for her at all and isn't good at challenges. She's already pissed off Jeff and Jordan so keeping her another week is no big deal. They want to have a meeting with Jeff and Jordan to discuss how they should all evict Natalie this week. Russell says, "If Jordan tells me 'I'm paranoid', I'm gonna kill her." Michele says she was worried that Jordan was part of Chima's girl alliance. Ass Licker makes no sense. She's lying right now and about something stupid. Anyhow, she goes on about how's there is "stupid tension" in their alliance of 4 and they need to have a meeting to straighten things out.

Why does everyone always want to have a fucking meeting? Meetings in the house this season are notoriously bad and the big meeting coming later is no different. It doesn't help that everyone in the house is a fucking idiot and that when they all gather in the same room the amount of idiocy rises to uncontrollable levels. God, I hate these people.

Jordan, Queen Of The Idiots, locks BOTH of her keys in the HOH and I begin to wonder how often she locks them in her car in the real world. You know she's had to beg passersby to help her get into her car on numerous occasions. While Jordan is stuffing her face with a roast duck or a rack of lamb, Natalie is updating Kevin on her conversation with Jeff from the night before. She tells Kevin that she promised J/J (Jeff and Jordan) that she'd nominate Lydia and Kevin before she ever nominated J/J. She tells Kevin she lied to them and has no intention to turn against Kevin and Lydia. She says that she's only playing for herself/Kevin/Lydia and that her target is Russell. Kevin tells her how J/J told him they wanted Natalie out. The fact that J/J keep flipping is catching up to them and making them look bad. Natalie decides to put Jeff up if she ever wins HOH. Great move on her part. I know it pisses all of you off, but it's a smart move for her to make.

Jordan then disappears for literally 2 hours to write her blog. I'm thinking the spell check took fucking forever. She got her HOH camera and everyone particiapted in the picture taking merriment. Russ played around with Lydia and pulled her into the pool with her full Captain Unitard attire on. Lydia was a good sport and posed for the camera repeatedly while jumping in the pool. I was waiting for Jordan to tweet, but her blog used up the last of her precious brain marble juice and she didn't tweet until late last night. When she finally did, I wasn't disappointed. Grammatical errors, misspelled words, stupid rambling, but the most offensive part of her Twitter experience was when she told us all to "Be GUCCIE!" *sigh* Guccie? Jordan, precious, I'm not familiar with Guccie. I don't think Tom Ford ever designed for Guccie. A gay friend called what Jordan did, "an unforgivable, agressive, homophobic assault!" LOL. I'm inclined to agree. You do not misspell your designers! You just don't. Betsey Johnson has 2 E's and Lacroix has an X not an S. This is common knowledge! In my beautiful fanciful world this shit is COMMON KNOWLEDGE!

After my horror subsided, Jordan has a mini meeting with Michele in the HOH. She proceeds to tell Michele how she wants to split up Kevin and Lydia and bring Natalie into the fold. Why not just read Michele your fucking diary Jordan? Why does she insist on telling everybody every single thing she's ever thought about in this whole damn game? I am beyond frustrated with pretty pretty princess Jordan. She makes me want to punch things with her idiocy and I'm a lover not a fighter. Jordan then goes to take a shower in marshmallow fluff and lemonade and Michele lingers oddly in the HOH bathroom. Has anybody else ever noticed how whenever someone showers in the HOH bathroom, Michele is always there lingering? I'm thinking she's totally peeking. It never fails that when someone is naked behind that glass shower door, Michele is never more than 3 feet away. Perv.

Michele is quickly becoming the new house weasel. Her entire day was spent going back and forth from group to group sharing everybody's secrets. The chat hags have completely turned on her at this point. There is no live feed chat love for Michele. I really wanted to say "I told you so" because I've hated her since Day 1, but I took the higher road and flicked them all off from the safety of my own home instead. Ok, so yeah, I may have stuck my tongue out at them all as well, but I did it with an air of maturity. I swear.

Jeff and Michele begin to talk about all things Russell and Michele tells him some weird story about how Russell wanted to work out with Jeff in order to get inside his head. He wanted to outwork Jeff or something and humiliate him so he woudn't be able to last long in an endurance comp. I have no idea what the fuck this means. It makes zero sense, but Michele doesn't hesitate passing it on to Jeff. Jeff tells Michele that if Russ is after him then he's no longer a part of his team. If he was part of the team, his energy would be focussed on getting out someone on the other side. Jeff says, "He's not an ally of mine. It makes no sense to keep him."

Michele says they all need to get together and have a meeting, but this idea scares Jordan who's now out of the shower and smelling like sugary goodness. Jordan thinks it will just end in a fight and the precious pony doesn't want a fight. Jeff agrees with her and then he tells Michele all about his new plan with Natalie. Fucking idiot. He's got Jordan disease now. He's telling Michele all his secrets and I just threw my hands up and gave up on the both of them. How hard is it to keep a fucking secret? Natalie may be annoying and dirty and she may drool and snarl a lot, but she can lie and she can keep a secret. She doesn't have diarrhea of the mouth like Jeff and Jordan. Jeff then starts to get angry. He wonders why Michele is so buddy buddy with the one guy who voted to keep Jessie in the house. That vote Russell cast infuriates Jeff to no end and rightly so. Jeff tells Michele that Russ is using her just like he used Ronnie. He gloms onto someone smart to take him a step further and then he gets rid of them when he has no more use for them.

Jordan takes a break from dipping spaghetti noodles into chocolate pudding and asks what they should do if Russell wins POV. Jordan, YOU ARE THE HOH! Makes some fucking decisions of your own! YOU tell THEM what to do! Not the other way around. Grrrrrrrrr... *kicks Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the nose* See what you made me do? An innocent leprechaun is crying right now because you are so stupid Jordan. Jeff says they vote out Lydia if Russ wins and then they pull Kevin in the fold. If Russell doesnt' win POV, then they put him on the block. Jeff says they can't swing Lydia, but maybe they can swing Kevin. Jeff says he's not stupid and he understands the other side is desperate and down on numbers, but he's also not stupid for knowing that Russ is after him. Jeffy Pooh, you are stupid. I'm sorry, but you are.

Jeff goes on and on about Russ and how he can't believe he's giving up on a free ride to the Final 4. He says how weird Russ is looking at himself in the mirror all the time and how he stares at Jeff when Jeff is working out. Michele tries to join in by saying how Russ watches her sleep, but she's just stupid and awkward and I shoot her with my toy gun.

Finally, Russ comes up to the HOH and the big meeting is on. Jeff is determined to get some answers. He's going to call out Russell and Michele if he has to. He's going to kick ass and take names. This is it. This is Jeff's moment. We all sat up a little straighter waiting to see what he would do. Jeff questions Russ and Jordan curls up into the fetal position refusing to look in Russell's direction. Russ says he gave his word to Jessie and that's why he voted to keep him. Jeff says he doesn't understand that at all. He SAVED Russell. Russell should have the decency to vote how Jeff would like. Russ should be kissing Jeff's ass. Russ says he gave Jessie his word like he gave Casey his word and his word is all he's got or some shit like that. This bullshit conversation literally goes on and on and on and they keep talking in circles. Michele just sits there shoving items from Jordan's HOH basket up her ass not saying a word.

Russ asks Jordan if she's ok and she spews something about being on her period. He asks her if there's anything she wants to ask him and she mumbles something about hearing how he wants to get Jeff out next week. At this point everyone in the chats is screaming for Russ to swear on his dad. That's the one thing Russ can do to get into Jeff's heart and gain his trust. Stupid really. I'd swear on whatever I needed to stay in the house. Swearing on something doesn't mean shit to me. It's just words. If that's all it took to manipulate someone, then I'd swear on shit all day long.

Russell switches gears and starts to throw Natalie under the bus. He thinks she was an "Athlete" because she's a ranked professional poker player. LMAO. Poker is her sport. AHAHAHA!!! Idiot. Apparently, if you enter a poker tournament you're ranked. Kind of like if you enter an MMA fight you're suddenly "professional". Pot meet kettle. Michele barfs up an old butt plug and says, "Isn't Natalie like a karate kid or something?" Jeff doens't buy the poker connection either and could care less if she's ranked or not. Russ keeps pushing it thinking it something important they need to be wary of and Jeff just tells Russ he's reading way too much into it. Russell says, "But she's ranked!" Jeff replies, "Who cares?" Again, I have to ask how an 18 year old can be a ranked poker player?

The conversation continues to go in circles and circles and they begin repeating themselves over and over again. Jeff questions the Jessie vote, Russ denies going after Jeff, Michele tries to lick her eyeballs, and Jordan dips cheetohs into cream cheese. It's neverending. When it finally ends Jeff and Jordan look at each other more confused than when it started. Nothing got accomplished! They still don't know who to believe and they conveniently forgot to call Michele out. You know what this means, don't you? Another fucking meeting.

Russ and Michele are outside talking and Russell is totally confused as to why Jeff is mad at him. He's stunned and confused and he knows the meeting didn't go well at all. What does Michele do? She chews her face. If you think I'm making this shit up just look at the above photo. I'm waiting for the day she finally swallows her tongue and dies.

Jordan puts down her vat of maple syrup long enough to march outside and start demanding answers. She goes up to Russell and tells him that all the information she's received about Russ wanting to evict Jeff next week doesn't come from the other side of the house. It comes from Michele. Dun dun DUN! Jordan's talk with Natalie last night had nothing to do with the future of the game. They were just rehashing the game up until now. Jordan says, "Why should I keep you if you want to get rid of us?" Russell denies ever saying such things and Jordan names Michele again and retells the weird convo about Russ wanting to get inside Jeff's head while they work out. Russ continues to deny everything and Jordan says, "Well someone is lying! Its either you or Michele."

Russ gets up and marches half way across the yard. Jeff is sitting on the washer completely on the other side and it just strikes me as funny how they dive into a conversation where they essentially yell at one another from across the backyard. Russell gets all defensive and blames everything on the other side of the house. Jordan gets a little ballsy and shouts, "The other side hasn't said anything! It was Michele!" I almost like her at that moment. If she started speaking up for herself like that all the time then I might be nice to her more often. Russ denies it and, by this time, Michele has made her way outside. All attention is now on her and I bit my fist in anticipation.

Jordan asks Michele to confirm that she's the one who has been saying all the stuff about Russell wanting Jeff and Jordan out of the game. Michele, true to form, mumbles, "I don't remember. It was late at night!" AHAHAHA! She didn't just say that, did she? Oh yes, my dear readers, she did. The clouds parted, the angels sang 'PYT Pretty Young Thing' this time, and Mr. O'Shaugnessy went to work. I LOVE it when Michele gets confronted. She truly is magical in her ability to stammer and stumble and tell the truth yet look absolutely certifiably insane and guilty at the same time. Russell says, "Why is it whenever someone confronts you you can't remember and it's late at night?" LOL Michele says, "I don't remember exactly, but you have been saying shit and it's not been cool." At this point, I'm literally in a fit of giggles clutching my sides. Russ tells Michele that he's trying really hard not to yell at her. He turns to Jeff and Jordan and says, "Jeff I'm not trying to put you up. Jordan I'm not trying to put you up. " He tells them he sensed some weirdness on their end and he thought they were turning on him.

Jeff goes inside to get the others. What this conversation needs is a Ragamuffin! Natalie comes out and Jeff questions her in front of everyone. Natalie points to Russell and says, "I overheard you telling Michele that you wanted Jeff out." What do you think happens then? You'll never guess. MICHELE BACKS HER UP! It was beautiful. Michele validates everything Natalie says and, in turn, makes Natalie look like an innocent butterfly. She flutters away and now it's Kevin's turn.

Sensing all things fabulous, Kevin comes out and says he heard that Russell was going after Jeff. Russell demands to know what time of day this all happened. He's screaming at Michele for not knowing the time. Kevin goes back inside and he and Natalie are ecstatic. They look at each other and say, "This is so awesome!" They proceed to jump and down and celebrate and high five and hug and do little dances. I have to admit I tore my bra off and threw it in the air like Mary Tyler Moore did with her hat.

I poured myself a glass of Pinot Noir and layed back on my chaise lounge topless enjoying the beauty that is Michele and Russell's demise. I played a few songs on my harp and sprinkled fairy dust in my hair. I checked back in on the BY and Russ was admitting that he said he wanted to go after Jeff when they got to final 4. He said he has no chance of winning against Jeff in the final 4 and that he's just trying to play the game. Jeff starts to yell at Michele for communicating the information wrong and I whipped out my opium pipe. Sweet sweet victory. Michele is going down. Let's drop acid or something... maybe some ecstasy... this calls for a celebration.





Jeff continues to yell at Michele and Michele blames everything on the stress of being in the house and not being able to sleep. Jeff says, "Oh come on Michele! This doesn't make you look good!" I then decide that 2 hits of ecstacy should be sufficient... and I pour myself another glass of wine. I rip my pants off and dance around the room naked while Mr. O'Shaugnessy plays his bagpipe. You haven't lived until you've heard Mr. O'Shaughnessy play Olivia Newton John's Greatest Hits on a bagpipe.

I check back in on the feeds and see that Jeff is still yelling at Michele and I'm at peace. He's telling her that she hasn't told him anything that Russell hasn't already admitted to. She mistakenly told Jeff that Russ wanted him out next week when in fact Russ was talking about the final four. Now, I'm not sure if that's true. My head can only keep so many millions of useless facts straight, but who cares? Michele is geting attacked and looking like a fool and I'm feeling groovy.

I lie back enjoying the sweet smelling fumes of the opium. A lazy smile is on my face and I'm just about to close my eyes and ride my own melt when it happens.... THOSE BITCHES IN THE BACKYARD ARE HUGGING AND SMILING! What?!? What in the name of all that is holy is going on here? Why are Russ and Jeff hugging and laughing? Why is Michele not on the verge of tears anymore? Oh my god.... I. Hate. These. Bitches.

They've actually managed to squash everything and they all swear on their family members that they'll go to the final four together. *smashes wine glass on the floor and kicks Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the groin* What the fuck? Jeff and Jordan are way too forgiving. Whatever happened to holding a grudge? Someone cuts me off in traffic and I curse their families and wish they get scabies. Doesn't everyone else think like that? You don't go around forgiving people willy nilly. That's just silly.

Michele bitches a little more about being mad at Russell and I really want to kick her head for, you know, existing. Jeff tells Jordan not to tell the other side of the house that they've resolved things. And then it happens. They all agree to evict Crazy Town. Lydia is now their target. What in the goddamn fuckery is this all about? Apparently, she's hard to control, tight with Kevin, and wants to leave anyways. But but but... those aren't good reasons! At this point my head is exploding and Mr. O'Shaugnessy is dead. Russell eventually goes inside and Jeff turns to Michele and says, "Our final 3 deal still stands." Oh go fall of a cliff Jeff. I hate you and your goodness.

Here are the clips of whole fuckery. It's so long it's in 2 parts. Please to enjoy:

Jeff & Jordan confront Russell & Michele part 1
by whitebobcat

Jeff & Jordan confront Russell & Michele part 2
by whitebobcat

I spend the rest of the night pouting and breaking things. BB is in a celebratory mood (their precious Russell is safe) so they give the HG's a badminton set and a tie dye kit. Lydia hijacks the tie dye and turns into a bossy 3 year old. She's loud and telling everyone what to do and with the help of the astute tweeter Cfahooligan I realize she's deep in the throes of mania. What everyone witnessed last night in Lydia was an honest to goodness manic attack. She wasn't acting like a brat on purpose. She couldn't help it. Did BB forget to give her her lithium or something? Her mood swings are scary obvious. Just look for her to yell out completely inapproporiate things and you know she's gone manic.





At one point Lydia and Natalie are half joking around about Jessie and Lydia says, "At least we know I can make him cum with my hands." LOL I laughed, but everyone else was horrified. She got her baby voice on and wouldn't let anyone else touch the tie dye until they did what she said. How can anyone evict someone so deranged? She's fun for me. She entertains me. Don't let them take you away Lydia! I'm completely confused as to who to root for to win the POV tonight. I don't want Kevin to go and I think Natalie kind of deserves to be there at this point. That just leaves my precious Lydia. I'll miss you Crazy Town. I defended you when no one else would. I stood up for you when people called you a slut. I cheered you on week after week much to the dismay of my readers. I will miss you lovely Lydia. You brought me such joy. I bid you adieu. Be well and prosper. Go have fun with Jessie. I weep a single solitary tear for you like Demi Moore in GHOST. We'll talk movies and music when you get into the real world. Tweet me bitch! *waves goodbye*

I'm sad.




Not sad enough not to give a special shout out to Shirley from Reebok! Shirley, my dear, don't be jealous of your sister's fabulosity. You too can be fabulous if you really really want to! I have just blessed you with my fabulicious wand and I want you to go forth and have a great birthday weekend. Thanks for your support! Much love, Lala






I just checked out onlinebigbrother.com (my favorite go to update site) and there were some mini rumblings late last night about backdooring Russell. Now, I don't know if it will amount to anything, but I've given Mr. O'Shaugnessy CPR and we'll be waiting patiently to see if anything happens. Fingers crossed.