Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Season Of The Cockblock

This season of Big Brother will go down in history as the Season Of The Cockblock. Natalie cockblocked Jessie and Lydia repeatedly. Her timing was impeccable and her cockblocks are literally an art form. Russell cockblocked Jeff and Jordan to the dismay of all the chat mavens. His paranoia makes him the unintentional cockblocker of the season. But there is one cockblocker whose shenanigans are actually affecting game play. Big Brother be thy name. Big Brother is interfering again folks and it's pissing me off. I first witnessed Big Brother's manipulations during BB8 with Eric. Big Brother went out of the way to interrupt conversations, call HG's to the DR when important planning was going on, and even telling HG's in the DR what they should do. It's completely unfair and absolutely 100% should not be allowed. I don't care what side of the house Big Brother is trying to protect they SHOULD NOT BE INTERFERING WITH GAME PLAY. Let's recap and outline how Big Brother is fucking everything up.

The day began very low key with little snippets of game talk smattered throughout. Natalie says that if Russell wins POV "all hell will break loose". Someone from their side will definitely be going home and they do not plan on going gently into that good night. They're going to bring the crazy and piss some people off before Thursday's eviction. I mean, why not? If they're going anyway, why not stir up a shit storm? I love it when crazy comes to town. My no-no tingles and my readers get mad. What's not to love?

Kevin, my new super favorite HG who has some of funniest lines, is musing about how people play the game differently and says, "We're not on Real World. When someone is HOH, you go up there and suck their fucking dick!" Amen Kevin. A-fucking-men. Keep on being fabulous Scarfed One.

Nominations happens and there are actually a few surprises. Jordan nominates Natalie and Lydia but she put Michele's key in the box first. Wha... wha... what?!? Ass Licker gets her key before Jeff? Well, that's not right Jordan. Jeff later jokes about it, but you can see that bothered him. Was it intentional or did Jordan's last brain marble simply run out of juice? I'm not sure, but it's definitely an odd choice. Jordan later tells Jeff that she almost went ahead and nominated Russell, but the DR talked to her and changed her mind. Time out! Hold up... the DR changed her mind on nominations? They can't do that! I realize Jordan is as smart as a mountain of cotton candy, but Big Brother can't be telling her what to do. Jordan was about to tell Jeff exactly what the DR said, but then we got fish. See? Even BB knows it's doing something wrong. BB goes through great pains to make sure that we don't know how much influence it has. Well, nice try BB, but this slut knows exactly what you're up to and she's not happy about it. Obviously, I did not want Russell nominated right now. I'd rather he be backdoored, but that doesn't matter. BB, should not, under any circumstances tell HOH's who to nominate.

After nominations Jeff and Jordan are talking and Jordan explains how Michele has been talking shit about Russell and she's torn as to who to believe. She says that maybe she should backdoor Kevin because he's smarter. Que? Pardone moi? Bad Jordan! Someone get a roll of cookie dough and shove it down her throat! Let's just plan on keeping a stack of cookie dough rolls ready for when Jordan decides to spew nonsense. I realize she does it often so I've got a Penske truck filled with doughey goodness on the way.

Jordan then tells Jeff that she "feels bad about nominating Lydia". Again, I ask, what the hell is this nimrod doing in this game? Even Jeff gets mad at her. He says, "Why? Did you want to put me on the block instead?" Yikes. Boy is backed up big time. I'll bet Little Jeff hasn't had any sort of release in months. He is in a wretched mood all the time and blows up at the teeniest tiniest things. Why Jordan can't give him a little loving I'll never figure out. A little tussle underneath the covers is no big deal. Jeffy Pooh, Jordan is a cock tease and I'm sorry for that, but go ahead and rub one out precious. It's ok. I won't tell anyone. You do what you need to do big boy. You're grumpy all the time and I think you need to treat yourself to a little self love. Go ahead. You have my permission.

Jeff's wants to confront Michele and ask her if she told Russell that she wanted to split up Jeff and Jordan. Jeff is telling Jordan that if Michele's response is, "No I didn't! I never said that!" then she's a big fat liar. AHAHAHA! You know that's exactly how Michele is going to react... even though she'll be telling the truth. I love that when she defends herself she looks guilty as sin. Jeff goes on to say that they may have to put Michele on the block BACKDOORING her. Michele getting BACKDOORED? Did I die and go to heaven? I can hear the angels. An Ass Licker taking it up the ass in Big Brother is like a litter of precious pink puppies all nuzzling my neck and singing H.I.M. songs in my ear. It's perfection! It's poetic justice. It's infant babies cooing and smiling and giggling pooping only rose petals. I'd invite you all over for a giant orgy of all things deviant if Michele got BACKDOORED.

Jordan tells Jeff that they need to keep Michele because "she's smart with all the questions and stuff". Cookie dough roll! Stat! Jeff says it's no use to keep her if she's lying about it all. She could be telling Jordan lies about BB house trivia. It's infuriating how Jordan keeps looking for people to carry her in the game. She does nothing of her own volition. She wanted Jeff to carry her to the Jury House and now she wants Michele to carry her through the BB Trivia comp. Jeff tells Jordan how he hates how smug Michele is. Preach on brothah! I hate it too. He says, "Why did she tell people she has a PhD? Who does that?! She can take her PhD and shove it up her ass!" *pause for giggles* I didn't say it you uptight beating dead horse ass complainers. Jeff did! Jeff mentioned Michele taking an object and cramming it up her rectum. I didn't mention anything about the pleasure Michele gets from sticking items into her anal cavity. I didn't say one single word about Michele's proctology bills from her having stuffed every item in her garage up her poop chute. I didn't say a thing. Jeff did. Yell at him, not me.


This brings me to Russell and Michele. They had a super long convo in the Splish Splash room and I began to wonder the hell they were thinking. Naturally, they're discussing Jeff and Jordan, but they should know better than to sneak off alone for a 3 hour meeting. They have to know that others are going to talk. Anyhow, Russell is saying that Jeff and Jordan are too likable and that neither he or Michele would ever win against them in the Final 2. Russell tells Michele that if she's ever on the block and he wins the POV, he'll take her down. He needs her to get to the Final 2 because she's the other house villiain. Michele chews her face, licks her eyeball, and smiles her stupid awkward smile muttering "thanks". Oh die bitch. I hate you! She makes me so angry. I've been ripping wings off of butterflies all damn morning because of that cunt. She makes Evil Lala come out and kick children. Just yesterday I was walking around the neighborhood thinking about Michele. I came upon 3 adorable little girls playing jump rope. I whipped out a giant pair of scissors and I cut those little girls' jump rope in half. I told them Michele Noonan made me do it and then I cut off all their pig tails. 3 innocent little girls were crying yesterday and it's all Michele's fault. She's evil, I tell you, evil!

Then they go on to discuss their lives outside the house and they're actually bitching about all the thigs they're missing out on. Michele is worried that someone will take all the rat research she's done and publish a paper on it before Michele gets out. You know what Michele? I hope someone steals your work and makes millions of dollars off of the late nights you've spent licking rat rectums. Stop bitching about being in Big Brother for the summer. How dare you! Do you know how many people would kill for an opportunity like that? You ungrateful cunt rag! She also expresses concern for what her coworkers will think about all of her conversations about ASS PLAY. She thinks they'll all look at her differently because of her affection for BUTT PLUGS. And Russell is thinking all those industrial properties he's not really brokering will have changed and gone to someone else. Russell, you couldn't sell a port-a-potty to a construction site. Get over yourself. It's official I hate them both. Anyone who complains about being on Big Brother while in Big Brother needs to go. They don't deserve the opportunity they've been handed and they need to go rot in hell.

Later on outside Natalie is talking with Jeff and telling him he'd be surprised to discover who wanted him out of the house. Jeff tells her that just because he doesn't confront people all the time it doesn't mean he doesn't know what's going on. Natalie tells him that is not her target. She wants Michele out because Michele is responsible for Chima leaving. She says Michele is crazy and a habitual liar. Preach on sistah! In the past Lydia was always Natalie's target, but now it's Michele. She tells Jeff that when Russell voted for Jessie to stay in the house, it was a ploy for him to secure Jessie's Jury Vote if Russ makes it to the Final 2. She tells Jeff that if Russell makes it to Final 2, he definitely has Jessie's vote now. Good point Ragamuffin. I hadn't even thought about that.

Jeff then goes to Jordan and tells her that Russell says he overheard them talking about him in the HOH. Jeff says there is no way to eavesdrop on anyone in the HOH and that Michele must be feeding Russell all the information Jeff and Jordan give her. He says Michele is definitely playing both sides and that he doesn't know who to trust. He's getting himself all hyped to confront the both of them. He says that if he gets evicted Michele will just run to Russell and pair up with him. Jordan, swallowing a vat of chocalate syrup, says that she's wary of Michele too, but they need her now. Oh Jordan, shut up. Go eat a tub of butter and shut the hell up already.

Jeff tells Jordan that Lydia is just realizing that Jessie was playing her. He says he tried to tell her. Hell, even the Chebot tried to tell her live on national TV, but no matter what anyone said Lydia woudn't listen. Her talk with Natalie last night has finally opened her eyes a little bit to what a jerk Jessie was, but you and I both know that if she goes to the Jury House they'll be making sex forts all night long with the Manbeast.

Jordan, dipping a drumstick in cake frosting, begins to talk about Kevin. She wonders if maybe she should put him on the block. Jeff tells her to talk to Kevin herself and then make a decision. Jeff, angry and unthinking from not shooting a load in months, begins to wonder if he can trust Kevin himself. He thinks that if Kevin wins HOH, he might put Jeff on the block because he probably won't put up anyone on his side. Jeff and Jordan discuss how Kevin is the smartest out of the Kevin/Lydia/Natalie trio and that maybe getting rid of him now is the best thing. OK I just stabbed my belly button with a fireplace poker. I'm bleeding profusely and typing through blood stained fingers right now. This teetering back and forth over whether or not Kevin is the smartest scarved man on the planet is driving me nuts.

Just when I think all hope is lost. Jordan says that if Lydia wins HOH, she'll put up Russ and Michele and not Jeff and Jordan. Jeff chimes in, "If Natalie wins POV, we need to consider getting Russell out." Jesus Christ you brainiacs! Will you make up your fucking minds already?!? All this switching from Russ to Michele to Kevin is giving me an anxiety attack you dumb bitches. Just shut up for a little while and have some sexy time. It'll make the both of you feel better.

Finally, the Wonder Twins stop talking game and Jordan gathers up the HG's for an announcement. Feed watchers were all very excited because we got to see the HG's gather at the sofas. We thought perhaps BB was going to let us see Jordan's announcement. No dice. We get fish and when the feeds come back up we see the HG's all gathered at the sliding glass door.

It turns out there's a lady waiting outside to give Russ a massage that he won in the HOH competition. Damn! I was hoping for a little person or a barbershop quartet or even a sumo wrestler like we've gotten in past seasons.

Kevin finally goes to the HOH room for his big meeting with Jeff and Jordan. He slips his arms in his shirt and gets ready to dazzle. I don't know why he does this. There must be a power source underneath his shirt that oozes charm and wit. I'm not exactly sure. Jordan tells him that they need to get rid of Russell and Natalie. Kevin tells them that he won't put up Jeff and Jordan unless he has to from a lack of choices in the house. Jordan tells him not to tell anyone what they're talking about and Kevin assures her he'll keep this all a secret from Ragamuffin and Crazy Town. Jordan tells him how Jeff wants to confront Michele and Russell and find out who's lying. She then opens her vault and proceeds to tell Kevin everything she's ever been thinking in the entire game. She's such a fucking moron. You could see Jeff just thinking, "Shut up shut up shut up shut up". Why is it so hard for Jordan to keep a fucking secret? Again I ask, what the hell is she doing in this game?

Jordan tells Kevin that he's now in her Final 4 instead of Russell. My first insinct was to ask, "What makes you think you're getting to the Final 4 Jordan?" But then I realized she's made of Jell-O pudding and is able to slip through anything... even the game of Big Brother.

Kevin tells Jeff and Jordan how he was napping and woke up hours later to discover that Michele and Russell had been talking the whole time in the Splish Splash room. Jeff nods his head and says he knows they've been talking. Kevin said he would cough and then Michele and Russ woudl immediately switch the conversation to a safe topic and talk a little louder so Kevin would know they weren't talking game. Jeff says, "Yeah they were together for 3 hours."

Jordan brings up Lydia calling her a "fat ho" and Kevin agrees that it was a low blow on her part. Kevin says that he thinks she was drunk and that Lydia often has diarrhea of the mouth. He says he doesn't mind it when people like her have no filter because they often say exactly what's on their mind, but that, yes, what she said about Jordan was a low blow.

Jordan ends the convo saying, "Russell thinks we're stupid. I know what's going on." Jordan, precious bedazzled beacon of light and goodness dipped in chocolate sprinkles, everybody thinks you're stupid. So Kevin leaves and Jordan says, "We've got to get rid of one of the girls." Jeff nods and agrees that Natalie has to go. Jordan says, "I love him. We can trust him right?" Jeff says his timing is odd. Why is reaching out to then now when he never did before? Jordan gets scared that Russell win win POV and take Natalie off the block. If he does that, should she put Kevin up in her place?

Uh oh... there goes my eyeball again. I just stabbed it with my letter opener.

Jeff tells Jordan that she has to stop telling everyone everything all the time. Jordan doesn't get it and begins to talk about how the DR told her to lay off nominating Russell. For some reason, BB really wants Russell in this game for the long haul. Russell isn't nearly as entertaining as Kevin. Everyone loves Kevin on the CBS shows. I can't for the life of me figure out why they want Russ to stay in the game so bad. All I know is that they shouldn't be interfering at all and that they should let Jeff and Jordan makes their own decisions.

Here's the whole conversation in case you missed it. Please to enjoy:

Kevin chats with Jeff & Jordan in HOH
by whitebobcat

Here's what I'd like to see happen. Ideally, I want Kevin to win POV and remove Natalie. I'd like Russ or Michele to go up in her place and go home. If that doesn't happen and Natalie ends up going home, then I want Jeff or Jordan in jeopardy next week regretting the fact that they ever trusted Russell and Michele. I want them nervous and scared for their future. They need to be woken up and wary about how they'll continue in this game. I like Jeff. I like him a lot, but he's too wishy washy for me right now. Jordan is just an idiot who could win this whole damn thing and make me kill my Mr. O'Shaugnessy in anger. Losing Jordan in the very near future wouldn't upset me in the least. I'd like to see what Jeff can do on his own and if he can live up to his potential.

I think the POV is going down today, but I'm not 100%. There hasn't been a BY lockdown. The schedule this week is all fucked up because of Chima. Speaking of Chima, the racist witch is now on Twitter. She's already thanked us all for making her famous, called us bitches, and said she's superior to all of us. You all have my permission to send her as many evil tweets as you want. Her addy is @chimasimone. Let her have it.

Late last night the bloom off the Jessie rose has completely faded away. Natalie and Lydia aren't quite so enchanted with the Manbeast anymore. They're realizing what a jerk he was and now Natalie is pretty pissed off at him. This makes me think that perhaps Natalie didn't know everything that went on with Lydia and Jessie and now that she knows everything she's not too thrilled about it at all. Natalie says how she's glad she wasn't dumb and didn't fall into Jessie's trap. Uh Ragamuffin, yes you did! You did his bidding for him the entire time he was in that house. Don't fool yourself. Jordan and Kevin even tell Natalie how she waited on him hand and foot and Natalie continues to deny it.

Michele, the ASS LICKER, was also finally able to Twitter last night. She's sounds like a 12 year old idiot. Here's my challenge for all of my readers today. Guess which one of Michele's Tweets is my personal favorite. Post it in the comments and if you're right I'll give you a shout out tomorrow.

I'm going to do a tumblesault to say hi to all my fans!!!

I love you Tim, thanks for all your support, I will be kicking more butt in this game thanks to you!

Tim and I have only gone on one vacation together in 7 years.

If I win, I will be buying a house for me, Tim, and my dogs! And maybe a little vacation too!

I really enjoyed my pics and letter, it gives the strength to get through the stress of being HOH.

But keeping yourself and your allies safe for the week and future weeks is worth it! One step closer to 500,000!

But being HOH is high pressure, you make too many enemies.

I always wanted to be HOH so that I was guaranteed not to be a Have Not! Eating is good!

Ronnie heard me say something silly about Russell drinking my root beer!! I was really embarrassed when he told the whole house that!

Ronnie, Russell, and Jeff have all heard me say things in my sleep.

I am so excited about the house winning the BBQ grill, the boys will be doing all the cooking now!

The only problem is that slop hurts my tummy!! All the Have Nots are always farting!

Creating tasty meals out of slop is an experiment, but I like the challenge. Lime slop bars were the tastiest!

I get embarrassed when the other houseguests hear me sleeptalking!! Sometimes I talk about them!

Who knew you can make so many recipes with slop?? I actually like it now!

I love getting dirty in the competitions!!

I wish the other houseguests would clean up after themselves!!

Being a Have Not for 3 weeks was the worst!!

Dr. Michele is so happy to be on Big Brother 11!

I'm going to end this with a super special shout out to can'twaitforDec23! Peek-a-boo I see you. LOL Thanks for the support!

Bookmark and Share


  1. "I love getting dirty in the competitions!!"

    If it's not your fave, then it's mine!! ha ha :-)


  2. 'I will be kicking more butt in this game thanks to you!'

    just a thought. :)

  3. "I love gettig dirty in the competitions" that was not my personal fave, but may be yours. I personally like "the only problem is that slop hurts my tummy. All the have-nots are always farting" Gee thanks for the smellovision ass licker!

  4. "I love getting dirty in the competitions!!"

    Sounds like something you'd go for. I prefer: "Ronnie heard me say something silly about Russell drinking my root beer!! I was really embarrassed when he told the whole house that!" I just don't know what root beer is a euphemism for.

    And my ideal Jeff/Jordan move would be to backdoor Kevin because that's the only smart thing Jordan has come up with all week as HoH.

  5. Hey..no such addy for chima on twitter. Isnt her last name Benson? I thought her full name was Chima Simone Benson..anyways, it says there is no such person or address on twitter ofr @chimasimone.

  6. It was there this morning Jaye Bird. Maybe she cancelled it. She was getting a lot of nasty messages. For something humorous, you should check out @chimasweave.

  7. Jaye Bird, I checked and her twitter is still there. She just sent out 2 more tweets.

    "Looking forward to tonight's depiction of me leaving the BB house. Gotta love "reality" TV..."

    "Factitious, Simulated, Concocted, Fabricated, Manufactured; Deceptive, Delusive, Misleading; Unauthenticated, Pseudo, Sham; Bogus, Unreal!!!"

  8. OK LaLa..I must be doing something wrong. when I do a searh on Tweeter for Chima Simone it says no such address. Oh well. Maybe I shouldn't read her crap..would get me too wound up!! LOL

    Another thought I had......I watch Big Brother for the drama....for the REALITY. If the BB producers are telling them what to do in the DR , then this show is nothing more than a SCRIPTED TV show!! This PISSES me off!! I say let the chips fall where they may and if someone wants to kill someone (well, not LITERALLY) then step in, but UNTIL THEN, let them fight it out and make mistakes!! That's what life is!!

  9. Lala,
    Just want to say how much I enjoy reading your blog... I stumbled upon it a couple of weeks ago, and now I can't get enough! You have a talent for hitting the nail on the head and for not being biased. (Even if a HG you have complete disdain for, does something particularly genius, you're not afraid to complement them on it. Or vice versa.) Keep up the good work, and I look forward to laughing a little bit each day because of you!

  10. I have to post to tell you how much I enjoy your blog and I agree with you 100% on your synopsis of all of the HGs. I cannot wait until they kick Michelle's weird butt outta there and Kevin is sooooo the Will to my Grace. Keep it up, I am addicted!