Is It A Gun Or A Beer?

Before we get to anything that happened yesterday, we have to discuss that CBS show last night. Was that the greatest Tuesday night show ever or what? It turns out Chima, jokers, justtvnuts, etc were all WRONG. They lied! There was no kicking and screaming on Chima's part to get out of the house. Instead, we were blessed with, "No need to sit down, you can walk right out." AHAHAHA! Smartest thing Alison has done all season long. And that montage of all of Chima's bitching? OMG how genius was that? I wish I could have seen Chima's face last night when she watched how awful she behaved. You know she was mortified. All of her tweets switched from being about BB to being about things in the real world. Coward. Spineless, racist, obnoxious coward.

That HOH comp was pretty good too. Russell is totally on my shit list now for acting the way he did to Natalie. Now I know a bunch of you are rolling your eyes right now, but let me give you a hypothetical. Let's say Russell made those crying comments to Jordan. How many of you would be furious? Well, hypocradar beeping loud and clear for those of you who'd get mad if it was Jordan, but could care less if it was Natalie. Russell was an asshole plain and simple. Jeff was very sweet to give HOH to Jordan, but Jordan is still an idiot who can't win anything on her own. My darling Lydia was a train wreck and she made me laugh all over again. I was a little peeved I didn't get to see her tip over the table though. I was so looking forward to it. That Captain Unitard edit in the DR was hysterical. Overall, CBS did a good job last night. I was pleased.

A CONGRATULATIONS goes out to these fine bitches: Kara, kdb112, and Ed! Yay! You won the Michele Twitter Contest. My favorite tweet was, of course, "I love getting dirty in the competitions!". You guys know me too well. More on Michele's fithy ass to come.

Mr. Paranoid, Russell, had the nerve to tell Michele yesterday morning that Kevin should go on the block because he's already won money. Ummm dickbag, YOU won money too! Russell continues foaming at the mouth by listing his credentials for Michele. He claims he's the best BB player in the house and that, as a result, he has a huge target on his back. No one else having won 2 HOH's (he counts the very first one as a win) and a POV would last nearly as long as he has in the house. Michele just nods and licks her face in response and chimes in by trashing Jeff. She says that last night Jeff made a comment to her about going to get his Colt 45. She tells Russell that Jeff was referring to a gun and now she's all freaked out by Jeff. First off, the comment makes zero sense. Secondly, if Jeff did mention Colt 45 I'm pretty sure he was talking about the beer and not the gun. This Colt 45 thing Michele fabricated out of thin air will continue to be a point of contention throughout the day.

Michele continues to pick her nose and eat it and tells Russell how her strategy in the game was to be the swing vote. She talking about how great she is and I've gotta be honest... I completely tuned her out. It gets harder and harder for me to listen to the Ass Licker as each day passes. Every time she laughs that awkward self conscious laugh of hers my precious fairies begin to topple over dead and I get mad. Fairy killer! She spends the rest of the morning sitting in front of the memory wall studying the faces for the Morphing Comp she thinks is coming up. Her hair was pulled back in a stringy ponytail, her butt nose was sneering by itself, and her ugly purple hoody was begging to be washed. It was a nauseating vision.

The Ragamuffin got her phone call home and it sounded very sweet. If there is one thing that makes Ragamuffin human it's her dad. The second she heard his voice she started crying and it sounds like her dad was crying too. She wasn't allowed to talk anything game related or else her phone call would have been cut off. Her dad tells her he watches the feeds all the time and her boyfriend's sister goes over to his house a lot to watch them with him. The feeds have brought her family and her boyfriends family closer together. Her dad is taking care of her bills for her while she's gone and his job, which suffered from the economy, seems to be improving. He tells her to makes good decisions and she tells him it's been a rough week for her. Afterwards, Ragamuffin was very happy and almost seemed human.

This brings me to Jordan's dumb thought of the day. Jordan had no idea what the World Trade Center was prior to 9/11. When she heard the planes crashed into it she wondered if there was a World Trade Center in Charlotte too. She was very knowledgable about the fact that the Mormon chick from the Real World slept through her alarm and missed her flight which was one of the flights that hit the WTC. I have one thing to say to Jordan: Turn off the MTV and pick up a book you idiot. It's scary how stupid you are. I really don't know how you function day to day with that limited amount of knowledge in your head.

Then we get my highlight of the day. Michele is losing her damn mind. She goes up to the HOH and starts crying and talking to herself. She says, "So fucking hard... so fucking paranoid." She climbs into bed and covers herself up with the comforter just lying there trying to quiet the voices. She's twitching and fidgeting with her eyes moving back and forth. It was beautiful! I know I'm evil for loving this, but I can't help it. When Michele goes nuts, Mr. O'Shaugnessy tickles my no-no and I happen to like it when he does that so Michele going nuts brings me nothing but pleasure... hot leprechaun pleasure. Eventually Big Brother interrupts my fun time and calls Michele to the DR. It's time for her Thorazine drip I guess. Her Electric Shock Therapy has been charging all morning and it's all juiced up and ready to zap.

She exits the DR, goes back up to the HOH, and starts crying all over again. Yes, Mr. O'Shaugnessy right there... that's the spot. I'm counting the minutes until Michele ends up smearing lipstick all over her face like this lady in WILD AT HEART:

Michele is living up to all the accusations she's received. People don't just randomly call someone crazy. I imagine being in that house with her, having to listen to her and witness her fidgeting up close would be a terribly traumatic experience for anyone. It's no surprise to me that every single person in that house thinks she's off her rocker. What really tweaks my nipples though is that all of the chat hags, who used to LOVE Michele, now can't stand her. She's talking bad about Jeff and that's all it takes to makes an army of menopausal enemies. Michele is obsessing over Jeff probably thinking he wants to shoot her or some shit like that so she asks him for a conference in the HOH.

Michele shoves her fist up her ass and then launches into a weird nonsensical monologue about Jeff talking about Colt 45. Jeff just stands there staring at her likes she's completely nuts. He has NO idea what the hell she's talking about. He didn't say anything about Colt 45. He says, "Is that what you're upset about?" He knows it's a beer and that's about it. Michele tells him how he must have wanted to shoot her because that's what the voices in her head are telling her. Ok Sybil. Whatever you say. Jeff calms her down and says that he's cool with her (although after this I woudn't be surpirsed if he really did want to shoot her) and that he, Jordan, and Michele are a solid threesome. Michele isn't listening. She's gnawing on her lips and trying to lick her eyeballs again. She says that now is the perfect time for someone to evict her and she's scared. From your mouth to god's ears Ass Licker. Jeff tells her she's paranoid for thinking everyone is after her (no she's not) and that she has nothing to worry about (yes she does). Michele seems satisfied with that and immediately launches into trashing Russell.

Jeff patiently listens to her, but he's really looking for a quick escape route out of that room. He wonders if he can leap to the door fast enough for Michele to trip over the fist in her ass. He checks the room for windows and then curses himself for forgetting that there are no windows in BB. He wonders if the bathtub drain is large enough to transport him downstairs. After all Jordan always looks like she's getting sucked down it whenever she's in the tub. Maybe, just maybe, Jeff can escape through it and wade through shit and piss to safety much like Andy Dufresne in SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. Jeff might as well be in Shawshank. Prison life makes people crazy and having to live with Michele in such close quarters is making him crazy too. He waits for Michele to switch fists and then he does it. He runs to the door and escapes relatively unharmed. Michele is left to her own fists and proceeds to wander the house alone muttering to herself.

Let's switch gears a little bit and actually get to some game talk. Ragamuffin is paranoid that the POV will be canceled and that she won't have a chance to take herself off the block. Obviously, she's not going to win anyways, but that's just between you and I. She tells Kevin that if BB cancels her POV then she's going to throw a fit during Thursday's show. The chatters immediately started comparing to her to Chima, but I, on the other hand, could actually see where she was coming from. If I was in the house and I was on the block (which I no doubt would be every week because I'm awesomely annoying) I'd be LIVID if I thought I wouldn't have the opportunity to save myself. Who wouldn't? It turns out Natalie's paranoia is all for naught and during a promo which aired last night after the live show, BB announced that the POV will be live on Thursday.

This is going to be very interesting. Let's say Kevin wins the POV, who will Jordan put up? She'll have to make a decision super quick and Jeff won't be able to tell her what to do. Jeff, this was the worst week possible for you to throw HOH to Jordan. This idiot is going to be expected to make a rational decision very quickly and I just don't think she's up to the challenge. If Natalie wins POV, will she put up Kevin or Russell? That's the thing I'm most nervous about. What if Jordan puts Kevin on the block and he ends up going home? Oh. My. God. Someone will have to die for that egregious violation on humanity. I might have to make my unicorn stab Mr. O'Shaugnessy over and over again. Jordan will be forever on my very long list of hate if she eliminates Kevin.

OR let's say Natalie comes off the block and Russell goes up. The vote could end up being a tie because Jeff is so fucking wishy-washy. In a tiebreaker, would Jordan send Lydia home and ruin my summer fun? Oh dear. Nothing good can come out of Jordan having to make a quick decision. I'll only be happy if Russell or Michele leaves. I could live with it if Natalie goes, but if Kevin or Lydia goes I'm going to start strangling kittens and squashing frogs.

The stress must be getting to Jordan to because as soon as she realized that the POV could be live she morphed into crabby bitchy Jordan. It doesn't help that Jordan is riding the crimson wave either. Jordo turns into a nightmare when she's on the rag. That's the one and only thing she and I have in common and I blame her for my miserable cramps yesterday. Yes, Jordan, it's all your fault I had to pop muscle relaxant after muscle relaxant and morph into Jenny from SIXTEEN CANDLES. Remember the older sister who took too many muscle relaxants and felt like her face was melting through her wedding? Well, that was me yesterday. I even went up to a lady on the street wearing a crazy hat and said, "Love the teapot."

Interestingly enough, the HG's were able to leave Jessie goodbye messages and from the sound of it, Lydia's wasn't very nice. She said something about sarcastically hoping Dae Yum Yum was keeping him company and that she's pissed he lied to her. Natalie's wasn't very loving either. The Manbeast has lost his harem I guess.

Again Michele and Russell sit outside and bitch about all things Jeff and Jordan. Russell is ferociously kissing Michele's ass saying that together they are the smartest and most athletic BB duo ever. Michele snorts and punches herself in the face and nods in agreement. Big Brother gave the house some alcohol last night and I shit you not when I say Michele raised her wine glass and said, "Cheers to BUTT PLUGS!" It happened. I swear to god. I tweeted it immediately and I laughed and laughed. Just one drop of alcohol in Michele and she morphs into an anal loving freak. If you guys want me to stop talking about Michele's love of butthole pleasures, then you're going to have to petition BB and tell them to stop giving the HG's alcohol. It's as simple as that. I just report the facts (sometimes) and as a seasoned journalist (or pretentious blogger), it's my duty to stick to the truth (or a derivation thereof).

Michele is almost drunk after 3 sips and she begins to bitch about Ronnie again. Russell tells her that Ronnie was jealous of her smarts and athleticism. Michele nods furiously and spills wine down the front of her hidoeus blue dress. Russell is super paranoid that Jeff and Jordan are inside with Ragamuffin and Crazy Town. He says, "Hurry up and get out here so I don't have to worry about you."

The HG's all decide to play a nice game of Bullshit with the entire house. Jordan wrapped in her blanket (I have no idea why but she wears it all the time and it makes her look like she's carrying twins) bares her fangs and says everyone can go fuck themselves because she needs a Midol. Ragamuffin offers her some Naproxen and a heating pad. Jordan bites her hand, takes it, and runs upstairs to moan into a pillow in much the same way I did last night. Jeff follows her upstairs and promises to join the game later, but not before trying on Lydia's goggles and making Kevin swoon.

When Kevin sees Jeff in his goggles, he falls in love. He tells Jeff that he looks like a true superhero and Lydia says, "Gee thanks Kevin."

Upstairs Jordan is in her own personal female hell. She's miserable and snapping Jeff's head off whenever she can. Jordan is paranoid about Russell and scared to death about having to think on her feet and make a quick decision on Thursday. She doesn't know what to do or how people are going to vote. Her cramps feel like someone is taking an egg beater to her insides... oh wait, that could be what I'm thinking. Anyhow, Jeff tells her she's not thinking clearly and she's super crabby right now. Jeff reprimands her for bonding too much the Ragamuffin and Crazy Town. Jordan says she just hates Russell right now. She thinks he's coming after her and Jeff next week and she just wants to avoid him at all costs. Jeff tells her that Russell asked him why Jordan was being so weird. Jordan says, "Really?" Jeff tells her that he blamed it on her period and that Jordan should blame everything on her period too.

Jordan continues to snap at Jeff and he says, "See how you're talking to me?" He's offended, but goes on to tell Jordan Michele's wacky Colt 45 story anwyays. He thinks she's nuts because he never said a thing about Colt 45.

Later Michele joins Jeff and Jordan in the HOH and Jordan tells her that she thinks Russell is lying to her. She thinks Russell is using Michele and will drop her before the Final 2. Michele disagrees and tells her that Russell thinks everyone in the house hates her and that she's the only he can win against. Nice Michele. Tell Jeff and Jordan that you have a Final 2 deal with Russell. That's really fucking smart. They both talk about how it will be hard to win against Kevin and that's when I shoot an innocent puppy. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. It's the muscle relaxants. They made me do it. Michele tells Jordan how she was getting a weird vibe from her all day and that she cried about it. She says that bitch Lala has been laughing at me all day and it's making me crazy. Jordan says, "I know. She makes fun of me all the time too." Then they both plan my death and kiss and make up.

I missed a lot of the late night stuff because I was drunk on pills and had to sleep. From what I can gather Russell got mad at Natalie for beating him in Poker and Natalie warns Jordan that Russell is coming after Jeff next. She thinks she may leave this week and Jeff and Jordan ask her why when they control the votes. She tells them that she wants to stay and how she doesn't like Michele and Russell at all. Jeff accuses her of having a deal with Russ and Natalie says she can't stand him. Jeff asks her if she's willing to put up Lydia if she has HOH. Natalie agrees and makes a deal to put Lydia on the block before Jeff and Jordan. Nat tells them that she has no deals with anyone in the house right now. She's all alone and actually that's true. I think she'd turn on Lydia in a heartbeat to stay in the game.

Jordan tells Natalie that she was initially scared of her but that now she likes her. Jeff says he must be living on Planet Idiot for saving Russell last week. Natalie reconfirms to them how Russell wants to go to the Final 2 with Michele and my world begins to look a little brighter. Just when I think Natalie or Kevin may be in serious jeopardy, Jeff and Jordan flip flop yet again. I'm sure they'll flip flop 20 more times before Thursday. These two can't make a decision to save their lives. They spend the next 2 hours not making a decision in the HOH room. No two people on the planet are more wishy washy than this duo. Finally, the night ended with them agreeing to backdoor Russell if he doesn't win POV and they continue not giving in to the sexual tension between them. Jeff wants to fool around and Jordan just won't give in. She doesn't have to pork him or anything. She can kiss him and let him touch her boobies or something. Throw the poor boy a bone Jordan.

Super special shout out to Laura (not Crosby) and her broken ankle. Thank you so much for your lovely email and I hope you're enjoying those pain pills. I'll take a flexeril in your honor today. LOL

Mel, thank you. I'm all about girl crushes. Hot.