Saturday, August 22, 2009

Welcome To Boring Town - The Stinkiest Town There Is

I had a dream last night that I was entering the BB house. I was the new "entertainment" since my beloved Lydia had left. I remember packing my eclectic wardrobe thinking I was going to mix things up and give feedsters something to talk about. I took meticulous care with my hair and wore the hottest pair of skintight black leggings with a boob enhancing black leather vest. I strutted into the house to find everyone asleep. Sitting at the dining room table for hours looking around at everything I decided it was too fucking boring and I begged to go home. I can't even dream anything exciting anymore. This house is crushing my imagination. It's SO bloody boring. You guys may have hated Lydia, but you have to admit the house is on a one way track to Boring Town and I, for one, much prefer Crazy Town.

I watched Lydia's interview on Inside Dish just to get my fix for the day. She was enchanting and forthright not holding back a thing. She gave Jessie a 4 out of 10 in the make out department and I laughed and laughed. Ross blushed in delight when Lydia told him everything he wanted to know. Jessie, on the other hand, was a total tool in his interview and didn't give up any info. Lydia made us giggle while talking about taking out her emotions on her hair saying she's a "cutter dyer". We all thought the same thing: she said, "cutter"... oh my! *sigh* Lydia, take me with you to the Jury House! I don't want to watch Jeff and Jordan cuddle their way through the game (thanks eunice929!). Holding hands is NOT game play. I don't care how adorable the chat hags think it is. The southern accent is killing me. I can't take it anymore!

So yeah Jordan is talking. She's talking bunches of bullshit in between bites of mashed potatoes. Early in the day she tells Jeff that she thinks they should get rid of Kevin, then Russ, then Michele, and take Ragamuffin to the Final 3. Get ready for it... *warms up hot poker* This one is going straight into my heart. Mr. O'Shaughnessy is braiding my hair like Swiss Miss trying to make me feel better, but I pulled his pants down and pointed and laughed. I'm so grumpy that I've taken to humiliating my leprechaun. I can't physically hurt him anymore (or the LPS will take him away) so now I'm emotionally crippling him. If the LPS wants to punish anyone, it should be Jordan! She's eating the world's supply of corned beef and cabbage and the leprechauns are starving. She's the true evil one, not me.

Speaking of food, the Have-Not's were given Churros and Chitlins. Now, I know what a churro is and they're pretty good. Don't you get them at like amusement parks and stuff? Chitlins I'm not familiar with, but from what I understand they're pig anuses so Michele should be right at home preparing them every which way. I wouldn't be surprised if she orgasms during her meals from now on.

Jeff later confirms to Natalie that he will be nominating her and Kevin, whom I've taken to calling Fabulicious, and that he'll backdoor Russell. Natalie worries about Michele winning the veto. She asks Jeff what will happen if Michele doesn't use it. Jeff tells her that "she'll have to to prove her loyalty to me." This is where I'm going to have to discuss the ginormous head that Jeff has grown overnight. Jeff thinks that Russ is full of shit when he talks about what a great competitor he is. Jeff thinks if you're a winner you shouldn't go around telling everyone you're a winner. And then Jeff launches into a monologue about how he gave Russ his HOH and how winning the pimple comp with a word like "shotgun" is no big deal. He hates braggers yet he won't shut up about how he dropped only after making a deal. Hypocradar beeping loud and clear.

Ragamuffin tells Jeff, "You saved me last week. What you said is true. I'm loyal to you." Oh what a delicious little liar she is. Ragamuffin suggests that Jeff just go ahead and put up Russell and Ass Licker. That way one of them will definitely go home even if one wins the veto. Jeff says, "The ony reason I'm putting you up is because I haven't been with you from the start of the game. I like our friendship. I wish we would have established our friendship. I do think you are trustworthy. The odds are one of us will win the veto. It's not going to be a fucking benchpressing contest."

Jeff scampers off to Jordan and now they reconsider that maybe putting up Russ and Michele isn't a bad idea after all. Then they flip back to Ragamuffin and Fabulicious... then back to Russ and Michele... then back to Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. I feel like I'm watching a tennis match at this point only there's no intense grunting and someone is constantly shoveling cookie dough into her mouth. They flip again back to Russ going on the block because what if next week is endurance? Jordan has decided that she wants to trust Natalie and nominate Russ. Wait a tic... something is coming back to me now. Didn't Jeff and Jordan swear on their families not to nominate Russ or Michele? You guys know I don't give a shit what people swear on. It's only words, but the Morality Police in the chats is always so quick to jump on Ragamuffin for lying. It's immensely hypocritical to bash Ragamuffin for lying, but to forgive Jeff and Jordan for doing the exact same thing. Is it really so hard to give everyone a level playing field? Judge them all equally and with the same standards.

Natalie rejoins the Boring Twins and they discuss Russell and Michele in the Final 2. Natalie reminds Jordan how Russ definitely has Jessie's vote and, now that Lydia is gone and alone with Jessie, he probably has her vote too. Well, Jordan doesn't like that one bit and says, "Well should we just put up Russ and Michele?" Jesus Christ chunky monkey, make a fucking decision! Ragamuffin pushes how Russell admitted in front of everyone how he's going after the Boring Twins in the Final 4. Why even give him that opportunity? Good Ragamuffin good. I like where you're headed. Then Jeffy Pooh chimes in and blows it all to hell. He's still on his He-Man power kick going on and on about how Russell really isn't as great as he says he is and it's basically all about hubris for Jeff at this point. That Coup D'Etat went right to his head. Jeffy Pooh has been in power now for 3 weeks and he's beginning to think he's invincible. Well, Jeffy Pooh, if you want to ride the train of pride than I sincerely hope it's your downfall. As I learned in an episode of CHARMED, Pride is the most difficult of the seven deadly sins to overcome. It was Pru's downfall in that episode where Phoebe had Lust and kept trying to sleep with everyone (love it!). Pru was one strong witch and Jeff is a mere mortal. Jeff has no power after this week and he will suffer. Mark my words. He will suffer.

Ragamuffin runs to Fabulicious and tells him how Jeff will be nominating them. She tells him how Jordan told her that Russ really wanted Natalie out last week because she's the smarter competitor. Russell only voted out Lydia to make Jeff happy. He had to make up for that hinky Jessie vote somehow and Lydia was his way to do it. Ragamuffin and Fabulicious speculate how the coming veto could be a timed individual thing. Ragamuffin talks about how last season Jerry's time was 53 minutes and Memphis' time was 11 minutes. She's surprisingly knowledgable. I can't even remember that shit and I wrote about it all last season. Smoked too much pot in college and now I'm paying for it. My memory sucks.

Kevin feels a stirring in his nether regions and announces that he now finally feels like the game has really begun, "I feel like we're finally playing Big Brother. Shit matters. Decisions make huge differences." Kevin says, "Jeff is fucking smart." Ragamuffin replies, "Strategically in this game, and I've said this before, the first chance I get I'm getting him out of the house... He's been running this house since Week 3. He's the fucking man in charge." Natalie likes Michele the least, but thinks Jeff is the smartest. She'll keep Michele even though she hates her. Would you look at that? Someone is playing strategically and not personally. Wow. It's refreshing. I feel like I'm bathing in Sprite (thanks BB11_Unleashed!). Ragamuffin goes on to say that Jordan isn't dumb. She knows shit. Fabulicious says that Jordan is the least intelligent in the house and Ragamuffin tells him she's actually a little shocked at the questions Jordan has been asking her. OK Jordan fans go ahead and gloat. I know you want to. I'll give you exactly 30 seconds to do your "I told you so" dances.

Ok that's enough. None of you bitches can dance and Jordan is still stupid to me so cut it out. Kevin tells Natalie, "If I were Jeff, I'd send one of us home." Natalie says, "No! No no no." and she turns her attention to Russell again. She says if she were him, she'd start picking off his own people. Nat says, "He's smart. That's what I would do." Then the DR calls Kevin in and I can't help but wonder if BB is just trying to break up this great conversation about strategy. I was getting so excited that 2 people were finally looking at the game from others' points of view. I do that shit all the time. Put yourself in someone else's shoes when you're trying to work out a problem. The perspective you acquire is amazing. You have to be open-minded though to pull it off. Narrow minded selfish people don't do well to consider all viewpoints.

When Kevin returns they begin to discuss the HOH competition. Apparently, Russell used a gold can to keep Kevin from advancing in the game. Kevin thinks Russ will use that as proof of his loyalty to Jeff when in actuality he was just trying to prevent Kevin from winning. Kevin turns to Natalie and says, "I know we're both going on the block, but this could end up being a very big week for us." Natalie says, "I know. I feel good about it Kev." Awwww. From your mouths kids... from your mouths. Kevin says that when Lydia was on the block she was always angry, but Kevin is pumped. He's excited about the veto and the Scarfed One is ready to kick some ass. I'm switching it up today from cheerleader kicks to Rockette kicks. This calls for a whole line of kicking!

OK so I know I want Russell to go home and I know all the Jeff fans disagree with me so I want to make one thing clear. I do not necessarily want what's best for Jeff right now. Right now my focus is on Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. I think no matter who Jeff chooses to send home, he's in BIG trouble next week. The truth is he can't trust a single one of them and he's succeeded in turning himself into the biggest target this house has seen. That may annoy all you Jeff fans out there, but it's the truth. So yes, I want Russell gone and I'd like to see Jeff and Jordan on the block next week. I'd like Jeff to win the veto and for Jordan to finally get evicted. There is no room for her in this game anymore. She's a waste of space and the more she eats, the more space she wastes. That's where my head is at right now.

Finally we get nominations and no surprises: Ragamuffin and Fabulicious are nominated. I'm scared for them. I think one of them MUST win the veto because I do not, under any circumstances, trust Jeff to completely follow through with his "Backdoor Russell" plan. He flips so much and he always ends up back with his original Final 4. It's frustrating and I need this week to finally put a hiccup in his go to backup plan.

Everything was relatively calm after the nomination ceremony and the HG's starting cooking up some dinner. Jordan made Chima's muffins she left behind eating most of the batter before it even got in the oven. Precious princess Jordan is looking sloppy and her ass is growing by the day. Her hair never looks pretty anymore and her costume now is a t-shirt and shorts. She used to be so lovely. Not anymore.

Jordan, Natalie, and Kevin sit down at the table for dinner and Jordan proceeds to once again spill all her secrets... with her mouth full of food I might add. Natalie and Kevin are totally playing her trying to make her more and more suspicious of Russell. Jordan brings up how Russell is furious Natalie beat him in the Have-Not competition. She says Russ gets really mad if you mention you beat him in something. Jordan says how Russell always brings up the fact that Kevin won money as a reason for him to go home. Jordan says, and I'll admit she made me laugh, "You won money too Motherfucker!" LOL. Motherfucker? The girl rarely swears and when she does she pulls out a "motherfucker"? Nice. Kevin tells her his target has been Russell since Day 1. Natalie says her target was always Lydia, but now it's Michele. Jordan says her target was Jessie.

Jordan says that if Russ wins HOH she thinks he'd go after her and Kevin. Natalie says, "You know Russ and Jessie are good friends right?" Jordan says, "Yeah even though he called Jessie a douchebag." Natalie asks Jordan how they all knew to evict Jessie when the Coup D'Etat was used. Jordan says that she had run hypotheticals with Jeff and that they were always after Jessie. Kevin tells Jordan, "If this does work (i.e. backdooring Russell), I do appreciate it."

Meanwhile outside guess what Jeff is talking about? Backpacking across Europe! Ha! I totally guessed that he had done that yesterday in my blog post. I actually had no idea it was a fact. I'm so psychic it's scary. Who wants a reading? I should get my own Lifetime show like Lisa Williams.

This next little tidbit comes to you courtesy of BB11_Unleashed. I received a tweet this morning informing me that Jeff told Jordan that Michele had taken a nap in the HOH. Apparently, she hasn't take a shower in 3 days and the whole house smells like B.O.. All together now... Ewwwwwwwwwwww! Luckily, I had already captured this photo of Michele shaving her nasty pits and I think it works well with this paragraph. By the way, I love it when you guys tweet me Michele-isms. It's impossible for me to catch everything so I greatly appreciate the tips.

After I vomitted from hearing about Michele's stank ass, Jeff and Jordan talked about how Russell needs to go home this week or they are in BIG trouble next week. The plan is get Russ out now and Kevin out next. It looks like they really do want Ragamuffin in the Final 3 with them.

Outiside, Russell and Ass Licker are entertaining paranoia and discussing how something is definitely up with Jeff and Jordan. Why would they know this? Oh I don't know maybe because Jordan is a big mouth and can't hide her emotions well at all. Jordan has been bitchy to Russell all week and if she thinks that doesn't have repercussions for her she's greatly mistaken.

Back in the HOH the Boring Twins are playing cards and continuing not to have any sexy time. They discuss the upcoming veto and next week's HOH. Jeff proposes that if he or Jordan win POV they should bribe Kevin or Natalie. They'll say "We'll take you off the block, but you have to promise not to nominate us next week." Good thinking. Too bad they're thinking of making a deal with hardcore players who'll lie to get whatever they want. You can NEVER put your faith in someone in this game. Never! Anyhow, they continue to flip flop until the wee hours of the morning and will continue to flip flop until the POV cermony. I'm certain of it.

Back outside Michele is farting in front of Russell. Completely factual statement that is. I'm not making it up I swear. She tells Russell she's going to go to Confession when she gets out of the house and that she's not going to apologize for her farts anymore. Way to class up the joint Ass Licker!

So that's where we are. Nothing too intense. No real exciting drama. No tables flipped. No insults yelled. Sooooooooo boring.

Yesterday while watching the vastly superior BBUK eviction I heard a phrase that tickled my no-no. The phrase was "hairy pickle" and I put a challenge out to all my Twitter followers to use "hairy pickle" in a sentence. Drumroll please...

The winner is kdbarnes! This perverted little lady tweeted the beautiful phrase, "It made me gag when Lydia wiped the mayo off of Jessie's hairy pickle." Congratulations! Mr. O'Shaugnessy is dancing a little jig for you right now.

Thanks to all who submitted phrases. There were some definite funny ones out there, but none made me laugh as hard as I did with the winning phrase. I'll be having more moronic contests in the future so keep plugging away at it kids. The filthier, the ruder, the better!

One more thing I completely forgot to address yesterday. It has been announced that this season's Big Brother finale will be extended to 2 beautiful hours! It will be on September 15th and will feature a full cast reunion. How cool is that?!? It's very exciting I think.

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  1. ~mandatory "I love your blog" here~ Ok regarding the veto. See, I just like to be entertained. Flip flopping and paranoia doesn't entertain me so I really don't want Jeff or Jordan to win. Or Michele for that matter. If Russ wins it will cauz Kevin and Natalie to break down and then backstab each other, so I'm totally rooting for that one. Conversely, if Kevin or Natalie win then it will cauz Michele and Russ to break down and backstab each other and that may even cauz a huge brawl between the house. SO for the veto I'm rooting for Russell, Kevin or Natalie in that order. But PLEASE PLEASE..and I'm praying to the BB gods..PLEASE do not let Jeff or Jordan win so we have to suffer through a nite of back and forth AGAIN.

  2. I'm starting to get tired of Jeff and Jordan. Boring. Sweet nice people but not entertaining. Ive already seen Jeff's naked chest, so yes been there done that.

    I miss Lydia!!

  3. This is far and away the best BB blog crack my sh*t up!

  4. i have been wondering about jordan she didnt smoke too much pot in college-oh because she didnt go to college-but i think she has done some big time drugs-how anyone at the age of 22 be that dumb and clueless in today's world? wow she does take the cake!!! i am to the point where i really dont care who wins and i WANT more cameras in the jury house-please. you are the best-i want to know where your wicked sense of humor came from. :)

  5. Lala, first, let me thank you for your blogs. Have not been able to watch like previous seasons, but your blog keeps me informed on everything, Thank You, babe.

    Does not seem like much happened this week. I have never been a Jordan fan, don't dislike her, but have never believed she deserves to win anything in this house. Have said from beginning she is using Jeff, and believe it more now.

    I can't go with you on Kevin. Ever since that diary scene with him so sad that Chima left, I want him out. Anyone that had sympathy for that bitch is too bad for me.

    Nat has played a good game for not winning any comps. I just can't stand the little twirp. She never shuts up. And now Mich is competing with her on who can have the filthiest body.

    Jeff and Russ, hmmmm. Jeff needs to dump Jordan, if not, he can go. Russ has been playing any way he has to to stay in the game, just like Nat. But he has won comps.

    So, guess I just said a lot of nothing, lmao.

    Please take it easy on Mr.O'Shaughnessy, he's not as young as he used to be.

    Again, thanks so much for your great blogs, appreciate them even more now. May not always agree w/you, but totally love the way you give them to us. Love ya', girl.
    Oh, have you decided about doing Survivor?

  6. Yaya you know I love ya (even though you're completely wrong) ;).

    Yes, Bitchy Survivor Blog is a go. More details as the season approaches.

  7. Great! Love Survivor more than BB!!! Of course I'm wrong, always am. Just ask my hubby...

  8. I wonder if Jeff's dick was as big as Jordan's mouth, she'd let him make happy time with her. Probably not, seeing how she's such a cock tease. One more thing…If she doesn't stop shoveling food down that giant trap of hers she'll get arrested at the airport for trying to smuggle 10 pounds of crack.

  9. To the above poster: LOL! This made me think: Put Jordan on slop again BB. This will make her so hungry she'd probably even eat Jeff's dick :)

  10. I hear Chima said she'll be there for the finale. If they don't let her in, she'll do interviews at the gate.

    The 1 downside of the 2 hour finale, is more Ronnie....