Friday, August 7, 2009

Unicorn Killer!

Good morning fellow bitches! Crazy live show, right? Let's discuss.

My satellite (I'm looking at you DirecTV!) went OUT during the CBS show! My heart sank into my stomach and then like a little army of pixies throwing fairy dust everywhere someone sent me a link to watch it online. Whew! I only missed 20 seconds of the recap and all was right with the world.

The Rat has left the building and that speech.... oh my god that speech! I loved it! It was humiliating, it was evil, it was confrontational, it was emotional, it made Michele mumble incessantly in her inner monologue (Did you see how shifty her eyes were? Believe you me she was calming some inner demons), and it made my little black heart begin to turn pink. Ronnie was shaking like a little bitch and fighting back rat tears. It was beautiful.

I have put in a request with Michelle Talbott for an interview with Ronnie. I mean, why the hell not right? I'll keep you posted on what happens.

No surprises when it comes to the Wizard. All the menopausal women in the live chat lost their shit and hooted and hollered for days. Like it was a surprise? Get a grip ladies. They also thought Jordan was a vision in pink. Nevermind the fact that her head is filled with pretty shiny marbles, she's just lovely. Puppies everywhere chased their tails, garden gnomes came to life, and gooses (geeses?) laid their golden eggs. The shiny happy noncouple that is Jeff and Jordan puts a smile on everyone's face. Not me. They frustrate the hell outta me. Jeff is beginning to grow on me a little. I can admit that. And it's clear he wants some face time (get it? wink wink... FACE time...) with Jordan, but country bumpkin just refuses to give him any lovin'. Instead she eats cookie dough all day. She's begun to work out more, but as soon as she's done on the elliptical she eats more cookie dough and dumps a cup of Hershey's chocolate into her coffee. She claims coffee "cleans her out". Precious, how much can it clean you out when it's coating your intestines with chocolatey goodness? Put down the dough, stop farting under the covers when your cuddling with Jeffy Pooh (Yes, she did this yesterday. Horrified the hell outta me. Made the chat matrons giggle in delight), and kiss him already!

Chima winning the HOH is the best possible outcome. I really want Jeff to use the Wizard Power next Thursday. I hate it when people get powers and don't use them. It even frustrates me when the POV doesn't get used but the holder gloats about all the power they hold (I'm looking at you Ass Licker). My only fear is that Chima nominates Lydia and Kevin and Jeff doesn't man up and get rid of Natalie and Jessie. If that happens, I will hate Jeff forever. Any respect I've learned to begrudgingly give him will shrivel up and die. Even if one of the Terrible Two (Ragamuffin and Manbeast) wins POV the other will still be available for eliminating. This could be Jeff's only chance to split them up. He has to use that power for good. The Wonder Twins used their powers to turn into eagles and ice buckets. Now I'm not sure how good that was, but it was entertaining. Jeffy Pooh, entertain me big boy. If you use your power I'll promise my female readers a photo album of your sexiness. If you don't use it, then you'll force me to post more naked Jessie pictures. If that happens, riots will break out in the streets, straw Lala mannequins will be burnt in effigy (much like Billie Jean in The Legend Of Billie Jean), and all the new readers I got yesterday (welcome ladies!) will run for the hills cursing my name.

Immediately after the CBS show, Jessie and Natalie go into panic mode. They tell Russell to lay low and not start any shit with Chima. They know they still need Russell on their side. Ever since Michele jumped ship, the power has shifted. Ragamuffin and Manbeast need to keep their numbers strong. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Michele is bitching about how they should be getting paid more. Apparently, she muttered 2 F-bombs during the live show and is worried that CBS will start to deduct from her stipend. She's surprisingly confident and outspoken. Could it be that she wants everyone to think she has the Wizard Power? Well, whether or not that's her intention, that's exactly what everyone thinks.

Jordan, daydreaming of bubbles and feathers, is convinced that Michele has the power. She tells Jeff that she's scared she'll go on the block with Michele and that Michele will take herself off. Jeff tries to calm her down telling her not to worry and the fear in the pit of my stomach begins to grow. Can Jeff really keep the Wizard Power a secret from Jordan all week? What if she does get nominated and goes into panic, can Jeff keep his trap shut? I think Jordan is the biggest threat to all things Wizard Power. Her mouth could seriously ruin everything. Let's say for argument's sake that the one brain cell she has decides to work and she figures out that Jeff has the power. Bitch can't keep a secret! She'd run to Chima and tell her everything. Jordan seriously has zero filter when it comes to privileged information. She's a loose cannon - albeit a cannon filled with candy and rainbows, but a cannon nonetheless.

Kevin begins to talk to Jeff and Jordan about how weird Lydia is over Jessie. He doesn't know if Lydia can ever vote Jessie out. Kevin has tried his hardest to convince Lydia that Jessie is using her and, after tonight's vote, it's obvious Jessie voted to evict her. He says, "Maybe my gay powers aren't strong enough. I'm trying! I'm trying!" Oh Kevin, I adore you. Thank you for telling Natalie in front of the whole country that she needed a makeover. Bitch got pissed and my no-no tingled.

Speaking of the Ragamuffin, she's up to no good. Actually, is she ever not up to anything no good (that sentence just attacked you with double negatives, didn't it?)? I don't think so. While sitting out back with Jeff and Jordan she keeps telling Jeff how cute he is. It's disturbing and my pet unicorn stabbed himself in the groin. Unicorn killer! I'm thinking Natalie is just covering her bases as far as the Wizard goes. Could this be the week of a kinder gentler Ragamuffin? Will she kiss ass all week in fear of the great and powerful Wizard? I don't think I could take that. I like my Ragamuffins dirty and wild, sneaking into the neighbor's yards stealing tomatoes and eating squirrels, and scratching their crotches while drooling and snarling. Stay evil Natalie. It suits you.

So Chima is the HOH and she gets her very own special room. She's managed to bitch loud and long enough to make BB give into all of her demands. Her HOH basket was overflowing and her room was adorned with more pictures than any other HOH has received. Her CD was Prince's Purple Rain. OK I totally dig that. Huge Prince fan here. Wendy and Lisa? Come on, they're fabulous. I remember when I saw the movie. I was in 6th grade and a high school girl I worshipped bought my ticket for me. Seeing Appolonia's ginormous breasts onscreen was a turning point in my little flat chested life. I wanted to wear anklets over black leather boots and walk the streets wearing a red velvet cape. Probably explains my penchant for long flowing dramatic coats. Lydia is also a big Purple Rain fan and I felt a sort of kinship with her.

Lydia has issues. We all know this, but I love love love that when it comes to all things film and music she's a die hard fan. The mere mention of Purple Rain and Lydia launched into an explanation of the lake scene for Jordan ("You have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka"). That's exactly what my friends and I are like. We can quote lines, talk about the behind the scenes gossip, and sing any song off of any soundtrack. Hey, I went to film school. That's what we do.

Chima gets her letter from home and she's surprised it's from her mother. Her mom is apparently very ill and she didn't know if she'd have the strength to write a letter. It's clear Chima is close to her family, but bitch wouldn't shut up about how strong the women are in her lineage. It was like she was holding court explaining to all her servants why she should be revered. It bugged me. It REALLY bugged me that BB gave her everything she asked for too. It's unfair to the other HG's who didn't get as much as she did and it's incredibly annoying when a diva gets her way. Her dad sent her some ugly Marine pajamas and she finally got all the lotion she's been bitching about all week. Bleh.
Later she'll actually bitch about the letter being too old. Her mom wrote to her about the 4th of July celebrations and apparently that's not good enough for Chima. Bitch wants something not so dated. Yeah? Well I want your weave to catch on Russell's zipper and get yanked out. So there!

Please to enjoy:

Kevin is very nervous and he's doing some major damage control. He sets things straight with Chima and it looks like he might stay off the block this week. Kevin and Natalie also have a little discussion about all things Jessie and Lydia. Kevin thinks Jessie is trying to throw Kevin under the bus and he's avidly campaigning for Kevin to go on the block. Kevin also understands that Natalie has a problem with Lydia, but he wants to make sure Natalie views him as a separate entity. Natalie tells him not to worry. She's not going after him. Kevin tells her that if he gets HOH, he won't put her up either. Jessie then has a convo with Kevin about Lydia. They tell each other they've never mentioned each other's name (not true) and Jessie tries to convince Kevin that Lydia cannot be trusted. I REALLY hope Kevin never turns on Lydia. I really like them as a twosome. Kevin makes Lydia a little more likable and I think she really needs him.

Then we finally get our answer as to whether or not the fight between Chima and Russ was staged. It was not. They're in the HOH alone together and there is some major animosity. Chima says, "I don't want you to apologize to me again." She's in full diva mode and it's clear she's enjoying the grovelling. Russell says he's hurt Chima turned on him and tried to back door him. Chima doesn't budge. She calls him a liar and says she can't trust him and blah blah blah... shut the hell up bitch! I knew she'd be a hellish HOH. I'd be more angry at her reign if I didn't have the knowledge in the back of my mind that she's essentially powerless this week. I canNOT wait for Jeff to use the Wizard Power, undo all the work Chima has done, and send her in a reeling hissy fit. Fine Waterford crystal everywhere will crack during the tantrum. Guard your Lladro's as well. That shit is expensive. My mother's house is covered in overpriced delicate Lladro figurines and I'll be sure to warn her to wrap that shit in bubble wrap before next Thursday night.

All evidence is looking like Chima will nominate Russell and Lydia. This scares me a little. Will Jeff even bother to intervene and oust Jessie? He better or I'm going to unleash on his ass. Jeff has a LOT to live up to this week. He has to keep his mouth shut and he has to keep his psychic channels open to receive my messages. If I were attracted to Jeff, I'd use my succubus powers on him, but instead I'll just telepathically tell him, "Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin must go home." It's a catchy little tune if you think about it. All together now! Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin, Manbeast and Ragamuffin MUST GO HOME! Yay! *does a cheerleader kick*

My apologies for how short this is today. The Live Feed Chatter sunk to a new low and I needed a night off. The drama in the chats sometimes far exceeds the drama on the feeds. It's like a third grade class high on sugar and crack. Everyone speaks before they think and pounces without motive. It gets ugly and I loathe all things ugly - except pugs. Pugs are ugly, but I could befriend a pug I think. I'd name it Bubba and feed it chicken livers and Boston Market. I'd wear fabulous thigh high boots, a feather boa, and hugely fantastic Mary Kate Olsen sunglasses while taking Bubba for a walk in the park. I'd wave to all the other inferior dogs and blow them kisses. Bubba and I would be rock stars. He'd wear a fine Italian leather spiked dog collar and would snort and grunt whenever anyone dared try to pet him. He'd poop on daisies and I'd leave it there. Daisies are ugly flowers anyways...

A special hi there and hello to Sheila! She lives on the side of a mountain, survives on bark and wild berries, and watches BB from a wire looped over miles of piney trees. (wink) Thank you so much for your lovely email. It made my day!

Thanks everyone for all of your comments yesterday. It's nice to hear your voices and know I'm not offending too many of you. LOL It's looking like a Bitchy Survivor Blog will be a go. I'm so glad to hear how many of you are fans. Maybe I'm onto something here... it looks like people really enjoy seeing reality stars crucified. Hell, I know I love it. When does Amazing Race start? I usually hate all of those bitches too. Could this be the beginning of a beautiful Bitchy franchise?

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  1. Yes please! A Bitchy franchise for my 3 favorite reality shows would be awesome! I love your take on things and how underneath the bitchiness you still care enough to address important things like Lydia and the whole Jesse/cutting thing. I am supposed to be at work by 11am but often can't leave if your blog isn't up yet, I do in home care so its no biggie if I'm a little late. Thanks for all the work you do here on your great blog, I can't afford the live feeds this year so I depend on sites like yours to fill me in on all the stuff that truly makes BB so much more interesting.

  2. Yay..I got what I wanted...A Chima HOH Victory...But I'm having second thoughts now that she actually has it; a la buyer's remorse...With how nice Chima is talking about Jeff and Jordan so far, I think Jeff might actually not use the Coup De Tat as to not piss her off. Here's a good poll question: WILL Jeff actually use the wizard power???

  3. Hooded, your wish is my command...

  4. I look forward to your daily blog, it's like my morning coffee; gives me the perfect dose of laughter/entertainment. Thank you so much for doing this. Know that all your efforts are appreciated in the cyber world. I can't wait to see your survivor blog.

  5. Everyday I check back here to see if you've posted something new, your humorous updates certainly make my day.

    If Natalie (God help us) by some unfortunate turn of events wins HoH, they should give her a 5th grade pamplit on How To Use A Tampon.

    And yes, Manbeast and Ragamuffin CERTAINLY do need to go, I would do cheerleader kicks with you all day if one of them leaves this week.

  6. samsmama2, thank you so much for what you said about the cutting thing. I took quite a beating yesterday in the chats for sympathizing with Lydia and thinking her issues were serious rather than, and I quote, "emo crap". The insensitivity was astounding, but I'm glad some people here actually get it even if they don't necessarily understand it.

  7. I, like you Lala, have not automatically taken a shine to Jeff. But I can totally see him keeping the Coup D'Etat in his pocket if the noms do not threaten him or Jordan. I see him taking a risk to maybe save Russell. I will be quite surprised if he acts otherwise. and it will be the first interesting thing he's done all season. I unfortunately no longer have a favorite with Ronnie's eviction. Is there someone you can recommend? Someone it's easy to root for that's not up to cute shit on a daily? Kevin maybe? What are your thoughts?

  8. Lala'sFuckingRad... You scored major points with me today for that name alone. LOL I'm doing a few cheerleader kicks in your honor as I type this.

  9. Deion, yes, come aboard the Kevin train of love with me. We all wear fringey scarves and cock our heads a lot. Be sure to bring your sprightly wit and your brightly colored pedal pushers. It's a nonstop party.

  10. In the beginning there was void and I have a feeling it somewhat looked like the inside of Jordan's head. Anywho, Jordan will be Jeff's downfall. Of course, if/when this happens I will blame Jeff. He reveals too much to her, but obviously needs someone to confide in. His only chance is if the DR reminds him every 20 min to act like his old self (scared shitless of being put up OTB)and NOT to even insinuate that he has the wizard power. BTW it's Geese.

  11. LOL Ella Rae. The geese thing was a play on words from that song Veruca Salt sings in Willy Wonka, "Gooses! Geeses! I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter.... dont care how. I want it noooooow!"

  12. As long as we always make sure those fringey scarves are propery done and sitting in the perfect spot to make our head cocking extra fabulous, I'm in. One ticket please.

  13. Also, if Natalie were to remain another week, I would do like Kevin and "Just hit the bitch".

    I'm counting on Jeff not to be a total pussy, and put up Jessie and Natalie. Don't be a pussy Jeff, or I'm gonna cheerleader kick you in the face.

  14. Ronnie's speech sucked! He is such a moron! Whether I like Michelle or not isn't the issue. To treat someone like that is just WRONG! And this man is a teacher!!???? I wouldn't want someone like that teaching my kid! He is such a hypocrit! He had the audacity to belittle Casey about his teaching skills, he should look at himself! He should be SO ashamed of himself!! I'm sure his family is! Personally, I hope he loses his job. His wife must be desparate to have ended up with a moron like him! If you interview Ronnie on here, I will not be reading it.

  15. Jeff will send jessie out the door, and then we'll get our sexy photo album!!!!!

  16. If you interview Ronnie, will you ask him if he got pwn3d?

  17. Love ya, Lala, girl, but gotta tell you, Ronnie's exit speech was a low-life, below the belt, cheap shot given by a jealous, sore losing bitch. Ok. got that out, lol.
    I would have liked someone else to get hoh, but she's better than jess or nat, so not all bad.
    Jeff said he'd use the Coup to shake up the house for us. I hope he does. I'd like to Nat to go just to watch Jessie squirm as his posse slowly gets picked off.

    Great blog, even your short blogs are better than anyone else's.

  18. Your blog makes me laugh.. really realy good. Please don't stop.

    Having said that, your preferences on who should win tend not to be my choice.

    I prefer masterminds, manipulators, evil people, HOH and POV winners - any power move that leaves one on top... not dumb blonds, floaters, people who take things personal, do gooders - any one who does not think that the money should be obtained by hook or crook.