Once every 5000 years or so a miraculous astronomical event takes place. The planets align in such a way that causes people to lose control of all their impulses. Women fornicate with satyrs in the fertile woods. Men pounce on wild beasts to drink their blood. And Big Brother houseguests go absolutely ape shit throwing any sense of caution to the wind. This beautiful once in a lifetime event occurred last night my dear readers. Oh how lucky we are!
The day began with no surprises. Michele didn't use the veto and Ronnie and Lydia remain on the block. The plan is still to get Ronnie out and it looks like it's going happen ever since Michele changed loyalties again.
In the early afternoon, Natalie did the unthinkable. She confessed to Chima that she is indeed 24 and has graduated from college with a Bachelor's degree. Considering she's working at Blockbuster now homegirl wasted thousands of dollars of her parents money but that's neither here nor there. She said she made the decision to lie about her age when she was in sequester prior to entering the house. Chima's first response was, "I'll bet Jessie was happy to hear that!" Natalie tells Chima that the first question Jessie asked her after finding out she's 24 was, "So do you really have a boyfriend?" Natalie tells Chima that her boyfriend isn't really her boyfriend yet. They're working through some things (like a hairless manbeast?) at the moment. Apparently, they were broken up a long time and were trying to reconcile right before she entered the BB house.
Spilling secrets must have been contagious yesterday because Michele divulged to Jeff and Jordan the same secret she told Russell - that she is indeed a doctor. Speaking of the Ass Licker, Russell confronts her regarding the big preplanned lie Natalie and Jessie told him yesterday. She's so damn awkward and fidgety that even though she tells Russell that absolute truth, it reads like a big fat stinking lie. Russell isn't buying a word she's saying (and neither was I) and the Ass Licker was telling the truth! Only a seriously disturbed (or talented) girl can manage to make the truth turn into a lie. It's almost magical. She's terribly unconvincing and her storytelling skills are wretched at best. She confuses everyone with him with her pronoun placement and he has to ask her several follow up questions and it's just one big hot mess. Russell is unconvinced and this gets the ball rolling for what ensues later.
Chima, meanwhile, is still bitchy and scorned not shutting up over what an asshole Russell is. She pulls out a bible and starts finding quotes about a perverse man. One reads something like, "He devises evil continually, winks with his eyes, points fingers at other people, a proud look, a lion tongue, hands that sheds innocent blood.". She looks up at Natalie and Jessie and proclaims, "Oh my god that is so Russell. They put the fucking devil in here." Jessie eggs her on proclaiming that Ronnie is the "innocent blood" the quote speaks of. *rolls eyes*
Chima must have uttered the "phrase that pays" because afterwards, everything started going haywire. We get our first DR leak of the season and it was a doozy. It was broadcast over the loud speaker into the whole house. Way to go Big Brother!
In a meeting in the HOH room between Jessie and Russell, the power once again shifts. Hang on to your valuable display china because the whole house just tilted again. Jessie has managed to win back Russell. Michele's awkward fumbling failed explanation of the "truth" I spoke of earlier absolutely 100% did not convince Russell. He thinks Michele is using him and will come after him as soon as she can. He tells Jessie that she's really a doctor and how the DR tried to convince him to go after Jessie this week instead of Ronnie. Yikes. Looks like BB is sticking their nose in it again. The last time I can remember the DR trying to influence things was with Eric in BB8. Russell and Jessie promise each other they will go to the Final 2 together, but will still pretend to be mad at each other to others in the house. Jessie pleads, "Don't throw me too far under the bus!"
Russell is a misogynistic pig. There. I said it. After he kisses and makes up with Jessie, he launches into a tirade about how Chima wants it to be all girls at the end and how a woman will never win BB this season. He says Michele is "strapping on her dildo" and strutting around like she runs everything. Word to all the men reading this: Get over yourselves. A women doesn't need a penis, real or fake, to wield some power in the world. Russell is just pissed off that Michele has fooled him (well, she didn't really, but that's what the idiot thinks) and so now he has to criticize all women everywhere with his love buddy Jessie. I've got to hand it to Jessie. His lie was so stupid, so weak, so not thought out at all, and so unconvincingly delivered BUT he actually fooled Russell. He actually pulled this shit off. Had you told me 2 days ago he would have succeeded I would have thought you were off your rockers, but he did it. Natalie and Jessie actually fucking did it.
So Russell, angry at everyone with ovaries, pulls Chima into the HOH and they begin to discuss why there is so much animosity. The truth is Chima is a jealous bitch who was rejected by Russell and that Russell feels like he was used and abused by Chima and every other woman in the world (I'd love to meet the woman who worked over Russell cuz you know he was humiliated by one at some point in his life. I'd like to take her to Dairy Queen and buy her a Blizzard.). Things quickly get heated and Michele is dragged into it. Russell thinks Michele and Chima are working together and he wants some answers. Russell explodes on Michele and Michele is thisclose to crying. Chima gets all uppity and declares to Russell, "Your ass is going home next week!". The clouds parted, that choir of angels peeked their heads out, and they broke out into a chorus of Michael Jackson's 'Beat It'. My no-no tingled and I knew it was going to be a magical night.
Russell points at Michele and calls her a liar. Michele stammers and mumbles, "Someone is making lies up about me." Chima, wild and unbrushed, chimes in, "This makes me think that you're the one lying Russell!" And it's on bitches. Glass started to shatter (no, not really but I'll bet Chima's voice could do it if she really really tried), dogs started to howl, and I sat up with a huge grin on my face. There's nothing I love more than a truly delicious shouting match.
Chima gets right into Russell's face and they do that fast talking fight thing that always makes me think about bad breath. When someone is up in your face screaming at you like that, the odor can't be pleasant. I'm just saying...
Natalie, never one to be left out of anything, starts foaming at the mouth telling Russell that Michele used him. She's LOVING the fighting (probably even more than I was) and is setting Russell up to be pubic enemy #1 next week. Anything she can do to fan the flames, she'll do. She's the reason all this is happening in the first place. It was her and Jessie's little innocent lie that has led up to this. I may not like her, but thank you Natalie. Thank you for being such an obnoxious little cunt rag.
Immediately after the Chima/Russell/Michele fight, Lydia starts ragging on Jessie in the bathroom. She says how he's really on Russell's side and how he said he wanted to punch Michele. I don't know what the hell she's going on about, but it was making good drama so you go girl. Chima says she wants to punch Russell. Lydia, bless her heart, says Russell said Chima was mad because he ignored her advances. LOL. Never kick a jilted woman when she's down. That's all I have to say.
Natalie enters, of course, and Chima screams, "Why are you being his (Russell's) motherfucking friend?" Natalie drags Ronnie into it, perhaps seeing an opportunity to help his fight to stay in the house, saying that she just wants Ronnie to stay and that he's been nothing but nice to her. Chima is convinced that Ronnie and Russell were winking at each other earlier in the day and now she's saying they're secretly working together. Bitch is paranoid!
Kevin jumps in agreeing with Chima and the fit hit the shan. Ronnie screams, "I'm not with Russell! I'm going home this week!" Chima says, "Well then we have to get Russell out." Natalie butts in, again, and says whoever has the Wizard Power should evict Russ's ass. She's quickly reminded that Russell is HOH and is safe from Wizard Power evction. Kevin, all hot and bothered, calls Ronnie out and gets in his face. Ronnie declares, "That's assertive behavior!"
Please to enjoy. It's fucking awesome. Ronnie is caught lying right then and there. Love it.
I said this on Twitter and I'm saying it again. 2 snaps and a twist for Kevin! You go girl! Oh, I almost forgot, Ronnie said earlier in the day that he admired Hitler. Oh, yes he did. He said he admired Hitler's public speaking skills and his abiltity to mobilize large groups of people. *shakes head* Why, Ronnie, why? Why do these idiots always stick their foot in it? Jews of the world, you have my permission to hate this guy.
Chima stuck her foot in it too. She called Russell a terrorist simply because he's Lebanese. Chima, the patron saint of all things having to do with racial equality, accuses a Middle Eastern man of being a terrorist and thinks it's funny. *shakes head again* It's narrow minded thinking like that that is the problem with society today. Sterotypes are bad news people. They lead to hate crimes. Not all gays want to fuck you, not all tomboys are lesbians, not all Middle Eastern people are terrorists, and not all dorks are soft and sweet on the inside. Hate begets hate begets hate. Fuck you Chima. You're an ignorant bitch. I'm putting a psychic fatwa on your ass. I'm so done with you.
I'm often asked if I admire Chima for overcoming everything she's gone through in her life and for sticking up for herself. Yes, it's admirable she's a survivor and fought back a man who was raping her and trying to kill her, but that still doesn't give her any right to spread hate. I just can't, in good conscience, condone that kind of behavior. She's incredibly strong for coming through her horrible ordeal, but she's also an incredible cunt from hell who thinks her shit doesn't stink and that she's better than everyone else. Keep in mind all this bullshit she's pissed about is simply because a guy didn't want to get freaky with her. She's angry, bitter, and jealous.
This brings us to the NEXT big fight - my favorite fight of the night. Turn off your cell phones, grab a beer, mute the television... this is SO deliciously fabulous. Chima, still bitter and destroyed that Russell doesn't want to give her his love muscle, just can't get over the fact that she's been rejected. She's a total insitgator people. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Russell tries to ignore her, tries to avoid a fight, but Chima just will not let it go. He tries to play pool and she shouts, "Fucker!" and throws water in his face. She proceeds to call Russell a "tiny dick motherfucker" (if only she knew it's not the least bit tiny - I've seen the photos http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/7683/lovemuscle.jpg) and making nonsensical asinine remarks. It makes her look like a spoiled brat quite frankly. At one point during this fight she chest bumps Russell and puts her hands on him. Russell smacks her hands away and everyone in Twitterverse got all pissy saying Russell pushed her. No, Chima put her hands on him first. What was he supposed to do? Just sit there and take it. He didn't hurt her. He was trying to get away from her before he could hurt her. I think Chima wanted to get hit. That's my opinion. I think she wanted Russ to hit her and get evicted. She's an evil conniving bitch and Russ, once again, just didn't give her what she wanted.
Please to enjoy:
You're not going to believe this, but while all that Russell/Chima shit was going down ANOTHER fight was brewing in the DR. Ronnie is livid that Kevin got into his face. He starts bitching about it and crying... yes, crying. He cries saying Kevin assaulted him and that Big Brother should watch the feeds over again and evict Kevin. I know what he's doing here. He's doing exactly what Chima did by trying to get Russell to hit her. He's trying to get Kevin evicted for physical assault. Pathetic. Kevin did NOT assault him and Ronnie is just basically resorting to any means necessary to stay in that house. A grown man crying on tv because a gay man yelled at him is just laughable. Kevin stood his ground. Ronnie didn't expect it. And now Ronnie is pissed off Kevin made him look like an idiot.
Ronnie, come here, I've got a secret for you. You admire Hitler, you cry when someone confronts you, and your ass is going home. Buh bye. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Your evil sneaky dulplicitous ways are no longer welcome.
Please to enjoy:
Where was Jordan during all this you ask? Princess was playing with her hair remarking how comfy the couch is and thinking that Chima and Russell staged everything. I'm dead fucking serious. Now Jordan thinks she saw Chima and Russell winking at each other during the fight too. Jordan, precious, wake the fuck up! Read some books, go back to school, and get out of your rainbow filled peppermint patty world. It's astonishing how stupid you are. Yes, you're adorable and very likable but your stupidity is beginning to really piss me off. I fear for your future. You're such an easy mark to be taken advantage of. Please be careful when you do anything in life. I feel like you need to have yellow police tape around you warning all evil doers to keep away. Orange cones need to be taped to your ass because someone like you is just an accident or misjudgment away from disaster.
And that's the fat. That's the skinny. You like? I love. These psycho bitches this season are such good drama. From the bottom of my heart I thank them. The DR called them all in one by one telling them to calm down and to try to stay 3 feet away from each other. LOL Good luck with that Big Brother.
I haven't the foggiest what will go down today, but if it's half as good as what happened last night, I'm ready!
A super special thank you to Shea and Alexis, the best clip girls in the world. You guys rock!