Saturday, August 8, 2009

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

Doug Hughley. Spence Kovak Henry Castillo. Jerry Capen. Dean Kansky. Dean Gordon "Cheese" Pritchard. Buddy Israel. Ari Gold. Who are these people you ask? Well, every single one of them was in the Big Brother house yesterday. I'll give you a hint... Who can forget this exchange from SINGLES between Doug Hughley and Steve Dunne?:

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm talking about the actor Jeremy Piven or, in some circles, The Pivert. I used to have an abnormal crush on Mr. Piven. He was never really the "good looking guy", but he was so fucking funny that his sense of humor made up for everything he lacked physically. His best friend is John Cusack and I loved seeing them together in SERENDIPITY. I told you I was a movie dork. I meant it.

My admiration of Jeremy Piven fell to the wayside after he publicly blamed Ellen Degeneres' coming out as a lesbian for the reason the show Ellen was cancelled. Jeremy played Ellen's best friend on that show and he very famously blamed Ellen for turning it into "the gay show". Then he got hair plugs. Then he became king of the douches on the Hollywood scene. Then he got Entourage and he won a few awards... and how we can forget "SushiGate"? I am no longer enchanted with the talented Mr. Piven and I find it very odd that he graced Big Brother with his presence. Apparently, he has another douchey movie coming out. It's called THE GOODS. For his sake, I hope it does better than SMOKIN' ACES. Nevertheless, Jeremy Piven made a visit to BB yesterday to pimp his movie and host the Have/Have-Not competition.

LONGEST Have/Have-Not competition ever! Feeds went down for several hours, came back for a few minutes, went down again for another several hours, came back for a few minutes, and then went down again for nomination ceremony. Yesterday might have set the record for longest day without feeds in BB history.

First, let's discuss the Have/Have-Not. Jeff, Lydia, Kevin and Michele are the Have-Nots this week and Jeff is PISSED OFF. He threw a little tantrum almost rivaling the one thrown by Jessie last week. It seems the Wizard doesn't like to be on slop and the fact that America chose Liver & Limes doesn't help at all. Can I just say that Jeff must never be made to suffer? For the sake of all that is good and holy in the world, Jeffy Pooh must be kept happy at all times. When Jeff whines, the delicate balance we know as Nature stops abiding by it's rules. Grasshoppers begin to devour lions, rain starts fires, SHE by Sheree becomes successful, and La Lohan begins to wear panties. It's utter chaos I tell you... chaos! Lydia, on the other hand, couldn't really give a shit and doesn't utter a word.

Seriously, Lydia went mute. Maybe The Pivert touched her in her naughty place or something. I don't know. But Lydia refused to talk to anyone after the compeition was over. Big Brother even had to call her into the DR to reprimand her. They told her she couldn't play the game silently and to get her act together. Remember this little nugget. It's important later.

Russell walked out of the Have/Have-Not competition with a ticket to The Goods and $10,000. Yikes. Winning money in BB early on could be an HG's ticket home. Natalie even told Chima to use the fact that Russell won money as a reason for him to go on the block.

Chima spent yesterday afternoon summoning the HG's up to the HOH. Bitch has a mission and a unique approach to accomplishing it. First, she spoke with Kevin. She's defensive and cackle-y foaming at the mouth over how "Russell isn't even my man!". Uh yeah bitch, he thinks you're a freak. She calls Lydia a slut in a not so roundabout way and complains about how Lydia will jump to forgive a man but not a woman. Chima wants Lydia to forgive her for her past regressions. If she doesn't get her pardon from Lydia, Lydia is going on the block. Kevin tells Chima that he's been trying to get Lydia to see how the men are using her, but his "gay powers" don't seem to be working, "Lydia needs to do whatever she does when she forgives Russell and Jessie and apply it to Chima." Chima tells Kevin that she told Lydia in week one that she wanted a female to win the show. She assures Kevin that he is indeed one of the girls. Kevin says, "It needs to be the Strong Female edition. Not the Dumb Bitch edition." This delights Chima as she interprets it to mean that she is a "strong female" and she tells Kevin he will not be going on the block.

Chima continues her reign of terror on Jordan. She tells Jordan, "I'm not putting you up, but I'd like you to vote Russell out." Jordan, her glassy eyes open wide, nods her head ferociously disturbing her shiny pretty marbles and says, "I was just going to vote how everyone else votes." She's ecstatic she's not on the block and when Jordan gets happy we all know what she does. No, not eat cookie dough. She opens up her vault and does a show and tell presentation unlocking her innermost secrets. She tells Chima a story Russell told her about sleeping on the floor with his brother. That made Jordan think that Russell's family didn't have any money, but then she found out his mom is a Vice President of a bank and now she thinks that Russell's family is rolling in the money. A real life bank isn't like Monopoly Jordan. You can't just take the money home whenever it strkes your fancy. And p.s., never ever ever tell a story again. My eyes roll back into my head (and not in a good way) and I kick kittens whenever you weave a tall tale. For the sake of innocent kittens everywhere, shut your trap.

Chima goes on and on about Russell and all the reasons he should be on the block and I kind of began to wonder, who is she trying to convince? The other HG's or herself? She thinks that if she doesn't get Russ out now, then he'll be after her next week. She tells Jessie it's a good thing if a man goes home because he's a threat to Jessie. Jessie scoffs a little, shrugs his ginormous shoulders, and stays contemplative. He's still pissy that Jeremy Piven called him out for not paying attention to the trailer for The Goods. Then Chima does it again... she calls Russell a terrorist and claims one of Russell's friends flies planes. Seriously? Seriously Chima? This is what you've reduced yourself to? You ignorant cunt. The woman who claims to loathe racial profiling has an uncanny ability to label a fellow HG as a terrorist any chance she gets. If she had any book smarts whatsoever, she'd know that most Lebanese are devoutly Christian and even if they weren't, even if they were all Muslim, who cares?!? For such a headstrong young woman, she sure does stupid well.

Chima finishes her pre-nomination threats by asking Jeff if he'll vote out Russell. She seems satisfied with all of the responses she receives and goes on to nominate Russell and Lydia for eviction. Russell is now a defeated man. He's mopey, quiet, pensive, and broken. He keeps to himself overanalyzing every single thing he's said and done in the game thus far. You can just tell he's playing and replaying mini Big Brother videos in his head.

Meanwhile Jessie has been busy doing his own thinking. He's been working overtime trying to figure out who the Wizard is and I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Jessie is actually very intuitive. He's figured it out. He knows Jeff is the Wizard and he's scared shitless. I still despise the Manbeast and find him repulsive and self-serving, but I've really got to hand it to him. He's played remarkably well this season. He's hyper sensitive to the way people act and figured out Jeff was the Wizard before anyone else even entertained the thought. This Wizard Power is essentially Jessie's worst nightmare. As soon as he heard America was picking the Wizard, Jessie stopped fantasizing about doing squat thrusts in the backyard and became a shifty paranoid Manbeast instead. He is wound so tight now that the teeniest tiniest things set him off into a tail spin.

Last night in the HOH, Jessie is telling Natalie and Chima that Jeff is the Wizard and that he's probably going home. Natalie laughs at him and tells him he's imagining things. Chima giggles too saying that Jessie is acting like that Jamiroquai song, "Paranoia will destroy ya" (love 'Canned Heat' by the way, obsessed with CENTER STAGE). Then Chima starts to really think about it... could Jeff be the Wizard? Could Jessie be right? She finally says, "I've been thinking it was him since the beginning." No you weren't bitch! You were convinced it was Michele.

Chima, Natalie, and Jessie discuss the possibility of Jeff actually using the power. Chima and Natalie don't think he will. Jessie isn't as confident. Natalie calls him paranoid for the twentieth time and Jessie replies, "You haven't lived how I've lived." Only the gentle Manbeast knows the true woes of the Big Brother experience. You haven't lived until you have had a Manchelle rub your calves for hours on end. Chima, quickly sensing the attention is not on her, pipes up and says that if anyone dare uses the power while she's HOH, she's going to throw a tantrum on the CBS show next Thursday night. Oh how divine! You all know how I love Thursday night antics. I don't care who does it (even someone as loathsome as Ronnie) I'm all about the drama. The more these HG's make fools out of themselves the more my no-no tingles. That being said, I can't wait for Chima to throw a bitch fit on live tv. Her bitch fits are all she's really good for anyways.

OK so this brings us to BBAD. Remember how I told you Lydia refused to speak earlier? Well, that comes into play now. Michele and Natalie were playing chess. Michele, completely awkward and strange, tells Natalie that Lydia told Jessie she wanted Jeff out out of the house. Natalie, doing what Ragamuffin's do, immediately runs to Jessie and tells him. Jessie, playing pool and losing, relays the information to Lydia. He tells her how Michele told Natalie that Lydia wanted Jeff out. Lydia says something to the effect of, "What are you talking about? I haven't been speaking all day." Jessie remembers how Lydia was doing her Helen Keller impression earlier and says, "Yeah, what's up with that?" Lydia tells him, "I wasn't speaking at all up until a few minutes ago. The DR yelled at me and told me I had to talk." They go on to discuss what a liar Michele is and how she must be after Lydia now.

Jessie goes inside and talks to Natalie and Chima. He tells them about how Lydia wasn't talking at all and that Michele totally lied about the Jeff remark. Natalie, frizzy and talking with her mouth full, erupts and screams, "Why did you even say anything to her?" Jessie explains that Michele brought his name up first and that this is a very delicate week for him and he doesn't need anyone making up lies about him right now. Remember Jessie thinks Jeff has the power. Word gets back to Jeff that Jessie was involved in a conversation to get rid of him and Jeff will seek retribution. Jessie has every right to be angry, but Natalie is only really mad he was talking to Lydia. Jealousy turns her into a tunnel-visioned freak with only "death to Lydia" on her mind.

Meanwhile Lydia is outside and she approaches Jeff immediately to squash the rumor Michele has been spreading. Jeff listens calmly, nods, and goes about his resting in the hammock. THEN Lydia approaches Michele at the washing machines. She asks Michele why she said what she did. Michele fidgets ,yanking at her ears and clawing out her eyes (no, not really, but she will one day I'm sure), and manages to spew out something about how she thought she heard Lydia talking to Jessie. Michele then pees her pants, squeezes her own nipples, snorts maniacally, and apologizes to Lydia for any indiscretions. Lydia calls her a "Pee Pants" and kicks her in the face. OK so maybe portions of those last 2 sentences may have been fabricated, but that's how I imagined it all going down.

Inside Jessie is still beating a dead horse. He's sassily throwing things in the trash can and slamming the lid shut. He just won't let it go that Michele dared to utter his name. Natalie is still hooting and holllering, grabbing her crotch, and spouting profanities over how Jessie breathed the same air as Lydia. Who cares if Jessie is in danger? He talked to Lydia! They should both be put to death.

Then... it happened... the most beautiful phrase filled with truth and covered in rhinestones was uttered. Michele tells Russell, "You know I don't have the best communication skills." The choir sang, the clouds parted, angels played their harps, and somewhere Debbie stood up and cheered. (If you're new here, Debbie is part of Michele's imaginary backstory. You can find Michele's tales of Sapphic love in past blogs) I don't know why but when Michele admits her shortcomings in all things social, I giggle. I giggle and my army of singing mice sew me a dress. It's a fantasy come to life. I can't explain it.

So yeah Michele sucks and Russell listens to her telling him how much she sucks. He agrees with her (duh) and somehow a fight breaks out. Michele is mad about the last Algonquin Round Table meeting. She didn't appreciate how Russell called her out in front of everyone and she tinkles herself again whining about how mean he is. Her voice raises 18 octaves making Mariah Carey very jealous and she just whines and whines and whines... and if I had Imitrex I'd take it. When Michele whines, blood vessels burst. It's as simple as that. She's whining and moaning about how she can't keep straight all the lies she tells. This following is the conversation verbatim:

Michele - "I do not have a good memory. I do not. "
Russell - "You're a PhD for chrissakes!"
Michele - "Yes, I do have a good memory"

And.... scene! I couldn't have written more ridiculous dialogue if I tried. Oh who am I kidding, of course I could.

Michele - "I like to tinkle"
Russell - "I really think you should go the restroom Michele"
Michele - "Look at me tinkle! Look at me go! Pee pee is fun!"

And... scene!

They continue to talk in circles for a while and Russell brings up the erectile dysfunction statement again. That statement really rubbed Russ the wrong way. He equates it to a man telling a woman she can't have kids. He says it's shitty and if he said that to Michele she'd blow up. Huh? Any man who tells me I can't have kids gets a big sloppy kiss, but that's just me. Kids are so selfish. To hell with them! (I'm totally kidding. I worship my niece to death even though she called me Peepee for several months). Michele fondles herself, rips off her bra and tells Russell he made a fool of her.

Michele, continuing on her crazy train, loses her shit and starts screaming, "Fuck you! Fuck you Russell!" She runs up to the HOH to tattle on Russ to Chima. She starts licking her face again talking about how Russell is rude to her. Chima consoles her, secretly doing a cheerleading routine in her head, and tells Michele with a smile on her face, "This is why it only has to be girls in the end." It's like a cult member seeking approval from their demi-god. Creepy. Natalie sees it as an opportunity to bring Jessie up again. She mentions the whole thing about Jessie telling Lydia what Michele said.

Michele, wiping her own feces on the walls, turns on Jeff and says that Russell and Jeff are in cahoots together having made a Final 2 deal. Chima still obsessing over Russell says, "I don't care about his penis! I don't care if his penis doesn't work!" Yeah ok Chima. You wanted that penis more than life itself last week you lying freak. The girls band together in a wild renegade group of ineffectiveness and trash Jeff saying he should have stood up for Michele. That's all it takes. Jeff is now an enemy. He's an evil male and he must be punished. Michele thinks if Jeff has the power he'll take Russell off the block and put Michele up. Chima cackles, "If he takes Russell off he's a dumb motherfucker. Russell can beat him at every physical game. I'm coming after Jeff's ass if he keeps Russell." Chima is now on a total manhater kick saying that she thinks Jeff would vote to keep Russell over Jordan if given the opportunity.

The Scorned Woman Posse then turns their fangs on Lydia. Natalie says Lydia goes wherever the power is. Chima says, "No. I have the power and she's not on my side." Natalie then bitches about Lydia's shoes being next to Jessie's bed and how Lydia should be burned at the stake and blah blah blah it's the same old same old. Chima says the Ooffbeats should have been called "Off Kilters", but says she actually likes Kevin. Michele calls Kevin a liar and they're off and running. Michele then commits the ultimate sin. She says Russell and Jeff were making fun of Jordan. She's implying that Jeff makes fun of Jordan behind her back and insults her intelligence. I know, I know ladies... grab your pitchforks and start marching to Studio City. I knew that info would send Jeff/Jordan fans in a tizzy.

So that's it. That's the fat. That's the skinny. Michele is certifiable and Chima is drunk with power. POV will be VERY interesting. Super important Jessie or Natalie doesn't win. I'm not sure if I want Russ to win yet either. I'm thinking that maybe Jeff removing him from the block next Thursday might be worth the wait.

Yesterday was another great day for hits and I'd like send a super special shout out to Scorpio3813. Never did I think I'd be mentioned on a QVC website. LOL Thanks!

For the record, so there's no confusion, I'm not rooting for anyone to win right now. No one has emerged as a favorite for me. I like Kevin. I kind of like Russell and I can tolerate Jeff. That's it. I haven't picked who I want to win yet. I will, I'm sure, at some point, but until that happens no one is safe.

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  1. ROFL!!! I laughed so hard!! I love your blog and your fantastic sense of humor!! Keep them comimg!

  2. Serendipity and Center Stage? Miss Lala, do you have anyone accompanying you to the dance this evening? I would be honored if you'd permit me to be the one.

    Also, someone get Natalie a gag, please. She obvs wants to ride Jessie into the sunset, but has created this world where Lydia is the enemy and she is the devoted friend. She should fuck him and get disenchanted already.

  3. LOL! I freakin love how you describe Michelle. Now everytime I see her talk I will be waiting for her to claw out her eyes. I know it will happen one day. This I trust. On a personal note, LaLa; my brother passed away two weeks ago, and it has been hard.(this sounds corny) but I still came to your website and it gave me a few minutes away from the grief. I will be a fan of your website for life.
    Thank You,

  4. By far the funniest yet...thanks for the awesome work! (makes me want to spread my feces on the wall too)

  5. Monie, I'm so sorry to hear that and it doesn't sound corny at all. My thoughts are with you and your family. I'm glad my silly stories make you laugh even if just for a few minutes. :) You've been so kind and loyal and I appreciate it. Your words really touched me. Thank you.

  6. I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now and I absolutely LOVE it! I and literally laughing out loud everytime I read, I even read a few parts I find particularly funny to my husband. You're take on everyone in the house is great and its definitely better summary that any where else I have looked. Keep doing a great job, love your writing!

  7. Deion, if the dance is anything like this, you got it!

  8. Have u seen the pivert on the "bizzaro" episode of Seinfeld, he plays a short pudgy bald George costanza.

  9. One of my favorites Hubzilla. "So what is this guy, a total loser or something?"

  10. Thanks Lala, I was so lost last night, I didn't know what the hell was going on. I find it particularly interesting that Ronnie was allowed to hide in hoh room and not speak to anyone for 2 days, but they force Lydia to talk when she wants to go silent. BB needs to stop with their interference. It really shows this year. Now I am positive they've been helping Jessie, before I just thought, Maybe.
    Fantastic blog, as always.

  11. lol..Piven is so lame,the hair-plugs, the shoe lifts, I never knew about the Ellen ignorance. Speaking of Costanza and Homosexuality; the naked picture of "little-big-man" Jesse u posted a week or so ago reminds me of the infamous George portrait. If only i had photoshop skills so i could put jesse's head on george's body and get a glimpse of jesse's future.

  12. lmao at the She by Sheree part!! Great posts as always!