Thursday, August 6, 2009

We Hear He Is A Wonderful Wizard

Trust. Honesty. Loyalty. Purity. Oooops. I forgot. I'm writing about Big Brother.

Self-inflicted pain. Lies. Duplicity. Traitors. Vengefulness. Backstabbing. Filth. That's more like it. Now I'm in the zone.

The Big Brother house is filled with all sorts of mythical fairytale creatures this year. We have a Wizard, a Manbeast, a Ragamuffin, a Cutter, a Queen, an Ass Licker, an Airhead, a Rat, a Love Muscle, a maniacal head of lips and hair with a body attached to it. The protagonists in this twisted tale struggle with reason and wrestle with their own sanity... much like the characters of an H.P. Lovecraft novel. This isn't horror fiction though. This is Big Brother.

So the big question is, Is Jeff the Wizard? Yes, I think so. Yesterday was the first day in this entire season where I saw a confident, shrewd, no bullshit talking Jeff. It was like he was a completely different player. Boy is the Wizard. No doubt about it. The Wizard was a bit of a point of contention yesterday. It's not due to the fact that Jeff got his power. It's due to the fact that others didn't. As the day progressed and the HG's (save Jeff) began to realize one by one that they were not the Wizard, everything slowly began to unravel and we experienced Mental Illness Day Part Deux (thanks HoodedWarrior!).

Russell began his day with a Michele confrontation. It's time to pull teeth. Apparently, last night Michele told Chima something about erectile dysfunction and it's relation to Russell. At least I think that's what was said. Who the hell can tell anymore when Ms. Mumbles gets going? All I know is erectile dysfunction was brought up, Russell got pissed, and Ass Licker began backpedalling. Russell tells Michele he doesn't appreciate her talking about sexual dysfunction in relation to his name. Michele says Chima was mad at her for talking to Russell and made her feel uncomfortable. A giant rainbow of goodness and truth then darted across the sky as Michele said, "I'm not a good on-the-spot repsonder". UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR! Michele mumbles a whole lot more, actually asks, "Do I mumble?", manages to squeak out that it was all a joke, and then she began to eat her face or something.

While Michele was left outside to contemplate her complete and utter uselessness to the world, Russell was inside making a big stink to Jessie and Natalie about just how useless Michele really is. How dare anyone criticize his Love Muscle! He has hard and fast proof now that the mythical conversation in the green room did happen (no it didn't) and that Jessie and Natalie have been telling him the truth all along (no they're not). Russell tells them they need to nominate Michele next week if they win HOH and then he goes out to pace back and forth in the kitchen. I wonder why Michele's erectile dysfunction comment made Russ so mad. Did she actually touch on something that may have some truth in it? Is the Love Muscle not all it's cracked up to be?

Meanwhile Kevin is realizing that if the Wizard Power is the Coup D'Etat then he could be in real trouble. If Ronnie wins it, Kevin is toast. He's done for. He spends the morning securing votes to keep himself in the house if it turns the Wizard ends up putting him on the block.

A half hour later Russell is still pacing, steam coming out of his ears now. He goes to Ronnie and tells him that Michele is really a PhD and that he's sorry he nominated Ronnie. He should have nominated Michele instead. Wha... Wha... What?!? Did that seriously just happen? You bet your ass (licker) it did.

Natalie, never one to miss a fight or an opportunity to start a fight, convinces Russ to have a house meeting. Groan. We all know how these Algonquin Round Table discussions end. Where's Dorothy Parker and Peter Benchley when you need them? Instead we get a dirty Ragamuffin and a mumbling Ass Licker. It hardly seems fair. So Russell has his little meeting and he's throwing Michele under the bus in front of everyone. He calls her out as a liar and publicly apologizes to Ronnie and Chima. Michele, clad only in a bathing suit, sits fidgeting struggling to form a sentence. She says Chima bullied her and made her comfortable. She says she never went into the green room with Jessie and Natalie. I'm going to be honest here. All I could think was, "Cry cry cry cry cry... come on Michele, cry!" The devil made me do it.

My favorite part is when Chima asks Michele what side she's on. Michele says, "I'm on yours." Chima replies, "And Russell's side too?". Ragamuffin, probably smacked in the face with the stench of her own filth, explodes on Michele screaming, "You're the rat! You're the rat! You're the rat!" Jessie is literally pulling her back by her grody unwashed yellow sweatshirt. Michele, desperate with insecurity and failure, turns to Jeff for a helping hand. Jeff screams, "Don't say my name!" (This was when I knew for certain Jeff was the Wizard by the way. He never would have reacted that way before.) Michele turns to Ronnie, "Congratulations Ronnie." Ronnie, smug with rattiness, says, "You're the most stupid and most ignorant person in this house!" *giggles* It's too delicious for words, isn't it?

Here's the whole debacle in it's entirety. Please to enjoy...

Jessie and Natalie pumped up with success (I still can't believe they managed to pull this all off), begin an attack on Kevin. They are trying to convince him that Lydia threw him under the bus. They saw their opening to turn the house upside down and they took it. Look, I hate Ragamuffin and Manbeast, but they are certainly playing this shit hardcore. They never give up and will resort to any form of manipulation to get their way. I kind of have to admire their acumen and tenacity. Two days ago I would have thought it a lost cause to fight for Ronnie to stay in the house, but yesterday it came frighteningly close to them pulling it off. Kevin, fabulous and gey, trying to defend himself to the Terrible Two pauses midfight to adjust his scarf. This makes me love him all over again. A girl has to look fabulous. 2 more snaps and a twist for you Kevin. You go girl.

Ronnie is in the bathroom trying to work on Jeff and Jordan for their vote. They blow him off and Jeff goes in to listen to the Kevin/Lydia drama. He stops everyone from arguing and asks the room to once and for all clarify the green room rumor. Did Michele or did she not have a conversation in the green room with Jessie and Natalie? Michele says no. Natalie says yes. Jeff says, "Well one of you is lying". The Wizard was at work my friends... he was at work.

Lydia gets summoned to the DR and when she emerges something is definitely amiss. She's despondent, quiet, tunnel-visioned, and obviously trying to quiet the voices in her head. I think the DR may have been passing out their Xanax flavored lollipops again because she was positively weird. She asks Jeff for a cigarette and goes outside to smoke away her anxiety. Oh, Chima also mumbled something about Lydia being on meds and how that must mean she has AIDS. I think we can now add the terminally ill to Chima's long list of groups to hate.

Kevin follows Lydia outside and tells her that Jessie, Natalie and Chima were trying to convince him that Lydia was a traitor. Lydia wants to confront Chima immediately and get it all out in the open. Kevin begs her not to and says she's not in the right frame of mind to confront anyone. Lydia moans, "They're trying to split me from the one friend I have in this house." Kevin replies, "Let's let them think we're strained, but we're really stronger than ever." Lydia has Kevin write the word PERSPECTIVE on her arm in lipstick so she can remember where to keep her head in the game.

After that Lydia goes completely off the deep end. First she goes into her room to sleep. I figured the Xanies had kicked in and she needed to sleep it off. Shortly thereafter, Jessie enters the same room and tries to go to sleep as well. THEN it's the attack of the Ragamuffin. Natalie marches in all loud and obnoxious preventing anyone anywhere from falling asleep. She's so evil. She's rubbing salt in Lydia's wounds. Lydia gets up and goes to the splash room to pack. My first instinct was, "She's quitting. Natalie has finally pushed her over the edge." Jordan and Michele enter to see if she's alright and Lydia mumbles that she's leaving. She says Jessie's treatment of her last night made her want to hurt herself. It appears as if Lydia has cutting in her past.

For those of you not in the know, cutting is very serious. It has nothing to do with suicide, but it is very dangerous. A person will cut trying to relieve themselves from the pain that's going on inside their heads. It's not something to joke about and I was a bit appalled by the Twitter reaction to Lydia's confession. It sounds like Lydia had some very difficult years in her past. An egotistical Manbeast could definitely trigger her to revert to old ways. Yes, she probably was seeking attention, but that's part of being a cutter. Cutters will try to keep things private but secretly they want to get a reaction out of people. The cutting is basically a cry for help and I don't find it funny at all.

So Lydia mentions how Jessie's mistreatment of her (throwing her around and bruising her) triggered something in her to want to cut again and then we got fish. Everytime Lydia mentioned cutting again throughout the night we got fish. Jordan and Michele eventually leave Lydia and she continues to pack. Natalie, ruthless and evil and persistant, enters the splash room for no reason at all! She's just there fiddling with a blanket refusing to leave Lydia alone. That girl has some balls. She is truly relentless.

Lydia finishes packing and goes and gets something to eat. She had planned to eat in the spa room, but when she entered the room Jessie has infiltrated it lying lazily on all the pillows. Lydia is not deterred. She sits down and very loudly begins to chomp potato chips. She's determined not to let Jessie have a moments peace. She claps over and over again trying to disturb him and even smears peanut butter on his face.

What transpired was truly disturbing. Lydia tells Jessie he makes her want to hurt herself and he rolls his eyes and sighs, "I know". All she wants is for him to acknowledge that he's treated her like shit. Manbeast won't even give her that tiny bit of respect. He's self absorbed moaning about how Lydia has been nothing but a problem for him. Talk about kicking someone when she's down. It was ugly. Very ugly. Yes, Lydia was annoying. I'll admit that, but Jessie was just plain cruel. He really hasn't an ounce of sympathy in his grotesque muscle-y body. People who go out of their way to bring others down get no sypmathy from me. Malice is truly the ugliest thing in the world.

After all the drama and the hate, we actually manage to get a very funny conversation. Men, cover your ears. I'm about to talk all things period-related. Natalie doesn't know how to use a tampon. Yes, she's on the rag and yes, she's not showering. Jordan tries to explain to her how a tampon works. They get confused over the fact that your pee hole is indeed different from your fuck hole (Sorry, I couldn't think of a better way to describe it). Jordan was trying to explain to Natalie that you can pee when you have a tampon in. She says, "The pee just goes down the string." Natalie asks if you reuse tampons. Jessie chimes in and says, "No! Even I know that." Natalie says, "So when you take your tampon out, it's full of pee?" Jordan says, "No, it's full of blood." I know. I know. Too much information, but I can't even believe that conversation took place with someone over the age of 16. Jordan finishes the conversation telling Natalie she will teach her how to use a tampon.

Natalie, confused over fuck holes and pee holes, is really fuming inside. She's livid that Jessie has been in the spa room with Lydia for over an hour. She tells Chima she's done with him. She specifically told him not to talk to Lydia again and he disobeyed. Oh go take a shower you filthy cunt rag. Cunt rag is my new favorite phrase. And shower she did. Her Have-Not punishment ended and a week's worth of grime was washed off her tiny evil body.

The night ended with messages from viewers being played into the house. Ok quick question: Why did everyone who called in sound like they live in a remote mountain cabin with no running water and rampant tooth decay? Every single message they played was tinged with a back woods mountains of West Virginey accent. Now I love West Virgina. I visit it often so I don't want to hear any attacks, but the people who were calling in sounded like they haven't been to school since the age of 14 and the messages were all moronic.

The messages ranged from begging the HG's for a car (I'm looking at you Mark from Hartford, CT) to singing them annoying songs over and over again. I got excited when I first heard the messages being played in every 10-15 minutes. I thought this will be funny, but then the same messages were just repeated over and over again. It was so fey. Chima told everyone who watches the live feeds to get a life and Ronnie obsessed over someone calling him out over picking his belly button while reading the bible. Natalie was offended by them all taking them personally and Russ and Jeff think they were all so mean. Ronnie announced, "It's official. America hates us." You got that right ratface.

Please to enjoy...

Russell wrote his HOH blog yesterday and never has an HG been more off the mark. Read for yourself how Russ has completely misjudged everyone in the house:

So tonight is big. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Jeff get his power. If he doesn't use it tonight, I can say with absolute certainty that Ronnie is going home. HOH is going to be a nail biter... no doubt about it. I'd like Kevin, Lydia, Jeff or Jordan to win. I hope this coming week is when we finally see Natalie and Jessie on the block. Those two are due for some retribution.

Finally, I'd like to thank you all again for coming back everyday to read my little rinky dink blog. I went from having 3 readers to having several thousand in the span of a week. Your kind words of support and your spreading the word has made this blog reach more people than I ever imagined. Thank you for the retweets and the compliments. I really really really appreciate it. It's been a ton of fun and I'm thinking of doing a weekly Bitchy Survivor Blog as a result. Is that something you guys would be into? Let me know in the comments.

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  1. I just found your blog... and I truly love it...we have the same insights on most of the houseguests... I find myself laughing thank you, I would love to read your takes on survivor...thanks for the laughs.

  2. I was a bit perplexed at Natalie's lack of knowledge of the female anatomy. I wonder...

  3. Love your blogs on BB and would love to hear your take on Survivor!! I am a diehard fan of both shows and will be waiting to see if you do decide to do some Survivor blogging!

    I'm so glad that you said something about cutting. I became very alarmed when Lydia said she felt like hurting herself. I am a teacher and I deal with at risk students and I know teenage girls who cut. It's a very sad condition that usually stems from physical or sexual abuse as a child. I was SHOCKED at the some of the comments in the chat rooms about her urge to hurt herself. I couldn't believe the comments that people were saying. It sickened me. Cutting isn't a joke and is serious. Anywho, I'm glad I could vent that. LOL on the rest of the blog. I love the nat take. She truly is evil, but at least she keeps things everything exciting.
    Down with manbeast next week.

  5. I love your Blog. I found it 2 weeks ago. I love you take on the HG !! "spot on" I have learned not to have a mouth full of water when I am reading your blog!!! Your take on Survivir would be awesome.

    Can't wait for tonight!

  6. Absolutely love your blog. I stumbled upon it randomly and am SO glad I did. I don't get the live feeds and rely on your blog to fill me in on what has been edited out from the tv episodes. I find myself laughing out loud constantly. Thanks for the great blog and keeping us up to date about what's really going on in the BB house. And yes, doing a Survivor blog would be awesome!

  7. Yes, go for it! Love your acid tongue!! BTW, I think Natalie has a "love muscle" between her legs!!!

  8. I just found your blog! OMG I love it! I love the way you write! I will def. read it everytime! Yes I want to read you blog Survivor! You r to funny! I love the names you have given them your right on!


  9. Thanks again Colette for the great posts. I'm starting to think those messages have something to do with the future in the BBhouse....

    Love ur blog as ALWAYS

    Happy watching tonight !!!

  10. Love your blog and read it every day. One thing though-- why do you persist in referring to Kevin as a girl? Because he is gay? It isn't funny, and it's kind of rude. I don't know if this is something he has done on the show himself, and you are just repeating? Either way, though, not cool.

  11. To the last anonymous, Kevin has referred to himself on several occasions as "one of the girls". It's not my intention at all to be rude and if I've offended you I'm sorry. I'm extremely active in all things LGBT (part of the club) and find gay slurs repugnant. I'm a big Kevin fan and have cheered him on since the beginning. I appreciate you voicing your opinion and value your perspective. Again, my deepest apologies if I've offended anyone.

  12. Lala, as a long time fan of your blogs, may I say you're getting better every day. You are the ingredient Survivor is missing. Please, if you love us, blog Survivor. Thanks so much for today's blog, I missed most of yesterday's action, but knew I could come here and get all I needed. Fantastic!!! And I also was upset that many of the chatters don't care that cutting is a terrible illness. They were terribly cruel about it. Many ignorant people in chat rooms at times. (((HUGS)))

  13. Love your astute observations of all that is Big Brother! Keep 'em coming! You are the first place I go in the morning to read your rehash of the previous night.

    Would much appreciate a Survivor blog as well. That would be delicious fun. Thanks again for your time and efforts to entertain us.

  14. I love & have recently become a fan of your blog as well. I'm dismayed that Lydia is a cutter & that she was trying to confide in someone that she had a sexual relationship with that she feels down about herself 'cause of the way he treats her! What does she get? Someone who just won't even acknowledge her. Jesse should be ashamed of himself. ITA about someone that malicious not deserving sympathy.

    And then that disgusting GNatalie. I hope that her confusion re: feminine issues is just part of her "act" to seem younger than she truly is. That's horrible & disgusting. Maybe she thinks that she's not able to shower during "her time of the month". Gross. She's completely immature re: her relationship with Jessie. She should've given Lydia some peace instead of trying to torture her. Hate her.

  15. lala you cant please everyone all the time !!!

  16. You have such a great way with words - I've been loving reading your blog! Great insight and great recap in one! I look forward to it everyday. Thanks for keeping us laughing!