Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Diary Room Rapes Kevin

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. Wanna know why? I had a dream last night where I made Michele cry. HAHA! It was beautiful. I had won tickets to an indoor baseball game (I hate baseball btw) and I was with all these women who smoked and dressed really bad. Basically, it was like the cast of My Antonio. So we're there at the baseball game and I went to find a bar. Typical. I talked to the bartender and managed to get our tickets upgraded to VIP seats at a Bon Jovi concert (don't ask me why... haven't seen them in ages... haven't listened to them in years). Obviously, the ladies were pleased and we went to our hotel rooms to get ready for the concert. I left the ladies because, quite frankly, they were annoying and I hated them all. Instead, I snuck backstage and started talking/flirting with Richie Sambora (ewww I find him repulsive, Jon is much cuter). As you can imagine, the other ladies were jealous beyond belief so they went to find their seats without me. By the time I got back to hotel room everyone was gone and the place was trashed. I fixed my hair, touched up my lipstick, and went down to the concert venue. Those bitches had stolen my ticket so I couldn't get in. I pretended I was part of a large group of kids and I snuck in with them. When I got to the VIP seats this bitch with dishwater reddish hair was trying to sell my ticket. I grabbed her by the shoulder, spun her around, and discovered it was Michele. I started to yell at her and she started stuttering and stammering. I screamed, "You thought you could sell my fucking ticket behind my back?!? Who the hell do you think you are?!?" She started to cry and begged me to forgive her. I snatched my ticket out of her hand and she really started to weep saying she didn't mean to do it and that she was sorry. I got a security guards attention and he came over and took the psycho bitch away. Yay! Lala saves the day and there is one less neurotic bitch at the Bon Jovi concert. I win. OK psychology students... analyze that one.

Let me tell ya, my dream was way more exciting than the stinky house was. The HG's literally slept all day long. They woke up to eat a carbalicious meal and then Jordan, doing the Bizarro World Atkins Diet, went to bed to lie down and let all those carbs afix themselves to her ever growing ass.

Earlier in the afternoon the HG's were told about tonight's Live Eviction. They were ALL instructed to pack (even Kevin) and I managed to get another freaky screenshot of Sybil... er I mean Michele. It hasn't been photoshopped at all, but it features 2 Michele's packing. One is ghost like and the other is pixellated beyond recognition. The word SHALLOW is prophetically prominent.

Ok so this brings me to a funny little anecdote. Some chat hags were discussing how sad it is to see Michele pack. Fooey! It's not sad, it's funny. Someone actually said that Michele exhibited grace and class throughout her BB experience. Come again. GRACE and CLASS? Since when is it graceful to eat your food with your mouth open while you smack your lips and swallow loud enough for people in the next room to hear you? How classy is it to announce how you like to shove things up your ass while having a penchant for licking other people's rectums? Grace and class are Jackie Kennedy, Grace Kelly, Ava Gardner, Gil Harbord (Tell me who Gil Harbord is in the comments and you're a winner!). Michele "Ass Licker" Noonan is the farthest thing EVER from anything graceful or classy. I'll say that Michele has played this game nicer and kinder than some others, but no way in hell has she played it with grace and class. To say that is just stupid. Once again I'm reminded of a Seinfeld episode. Here's a little quiz today for all my readers: Which Seinfeld episode does the "grace and class" remark remind me of? Post your guesses in the comments.

What prompted the grace and class remark I think was the fact that Michele was looking for her gloves. You know the ones... the ones the Ragamuffin took and hid away from her. Personally, I think it's funny. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is always hiding my keys and money. He never wants me to leave him so he hides my car keys any chance he gets. The only problem is he always hides them in the same place... down his pants. Ba dum bum! He's so precious. So yeah Michele can't find her gloves and I think it's funny. Ragamuffin is indeed repulsive and getting on my last nerve, but she's entertaining and she gives me something to write about so I'll thank her for the material and go about my business. If Michele was smart she would have squished Kevin and Natalie's Play Doh calendar into one big ball when she had the chance. That's what I would have done.

Literally, zero happened yesterday, but last night we had one juicy convo in the HOH. Ragmuffin and Kevin are discussing taking Michele out and it gets a little heated. It began simply enough. Kevin was filling Ragmuffin in on a discussion he had earlier with Jordan and Michele. Jordan told Kevin that if he wanted her to drop in Part 1 in the HOH competition all he has to do is wink at her. Wow. Kevin totally lucked out. He laughed retelling this to Ragamuffin saying he didn't even have to ask Jordan to do anything like that. She just came right out and offered. Ragamuffin says, "Perfect!" and Kevin says, "I know. Mission Accomplished." The only caveat is that Ragamuffin has to fall first. If the Ragamuffin falls, then Jordan will too. Ragamuffin tells Kevin, "I'm not falling before her because I don't trust her."

Kevin goes on to tell Ragamuffin how Jordan told him she's just going along with Natalie making her feel like they're a team so that, in the end, Natalie may feel some sympathy for Jordan. The look on Ragamuffin's face was not one of joy. It was one of a mild realization that, in a way, she got got. Remember how Natalie and Jordan have a Final 2 deal. I'm thinking Ragamuffin does not like hearing that Jordan may have been playing her. Kevin tells Ragamuffin how Jordan said she's been nice to Natalie so she'll hopefully fall before Jordan in the HOH. As funny as this is, I'm kind of pisssed that Kevin is telling this to Ragamuffin. The only reasoning I can see behind this is if Kevin is deliberately trying to drive a wedge in between Natalie and Jordan. If he's doing that, then I can forgive him. I'll always give Kevin the benefit of the doubt.

Kevin continues to tell Ragamuffin how Jordan's plan all along was to go to Final 2 with Michele. She wanted Michele to stay so that they could take Natalie out together. Jordan never wanted to go to Final 2 with Natalie because Natalie would beat her in the end. Jordan apparently ended the conversation telling Kevin she wanted a Final 2 with him because she's feels like it would be 50/50 in the jury vote. At that point in Kevin's convo with Jordan Michele came in and told Kevin that if he got Natalie out she'd only have 2 days to wreak havoc on the Jury House. Kevin corrected her telling her that she would have 5 days, not 2. Ragamuffin is listening to all of this and she's getting pissed. I can tell. The wheels in her brain were starting to steam and work overtime. Jordan and Michele were trying to convince Kevin that he couldn't win against Natalie. Michele said that she knows she can only win 2nd place and that, at this point, she wants to play for the $50,000.

Ragamuffin asks Kevin again about Jordan. Kevin says the DR pretty much raped him and told him to keep Michele this week. Wha... wha... what?!? Then we got fish. I knew it. I fucking knew they wanted Michele to win. Look, I don't particularly want the Ragamuffin to win either but Big Brother should NOT be interfering like that. It's completely unfair and manipulative and it's really pissing me off. The feeds come back and he's telling Ragamuffin that if he keeps Jordan he has a chance o win $50,000, but if he keeps Michele he actually has a chance at winning the $500,000. Ragamuffin says, "If Michele stays, I'm not throwing HOH to you. I'm not. I've done these competitions before and I won't lose." What the fuck is she talking about? They've had 2 endurance comps and she completely fucked them up and LOST. She then tells Kevin, "If you screw me you lose me as a friend and you definitely won't have my jury vote." Kevin says, "Right." Ragamuffin adds, "And you won't have Jessie's vote." Oh who the fuck is she kidding? Jessie may be a total douche bag, but he's not going to let Natalie tell him how to vote. We've already seen how Jessie plans to vote purely on the best game play. He's been getting the poontang from Lydia all this time. Natalie has zero power over him anymore. I firmly believe that.

Kevin tries to tell Ragamuffin more of what the DR told him and we get fish again. Dammit! BB really doesn't want us to hear how they're totally manipulating this game. Feeds come back and Ragmuffin is all heated going over how the votes will go depending on who Kevin keeps. She tells him that if he keeps Michele she'll get Natalie's vote, Jeff's vote, Jordan's vote, and Jessie's vote GUARANTEED. She'll have 4 votes guaranteed. She lays it out for if he takes Jordan too. If he takes Jordan, she'll also have 4 votes. Basically, she's threatening Kevin saying that if he doen't take her to Final 2 she'll never vote for him and she'll get Jessie to not for him too. Here's my problem with this... it's completely PERSONAL! The 2 biggest meatheads on the planet (Russ and Jessie) aren't even planning on voting personal. The Ragamuffin, on the other hand, holds grudges. I really wonder if she'd vote to give Michele $500,000 though. I mean, she loathes Michele. Would she really vote to give her half a million out of spite or are these simply threats so Kevin will keep her? Ragamuffin tells Kevin, "With ME you have a 50/50 shot." She says, "The best shot we have is against each other... and PRODUCTION needs to stay out of it." Then we immediately get fish. LOL

When the feeds come back Ragamuffin has an evil look on her face. I'm scared. Kevin says, "I'm not supposed to lose sleep. Those bitches are supposed to lose sleep." Ragamuffin says, "Why are you losing sleep? I didn't lose sleep over Jeff!" Kevin says the DR fucked with his head and he doesn't know what to think now. He wonders if he's being stupid by evicting Michele. Ragamuffin says half jokingly, "Keep Michele and watch what I do!" Kevin laughs and sighs. He says, "Do they fuck with everybody as much..." Then we get fish. WTF! Feeds come back and Ragamuffin says, "Kevin, it pisses me off that you're even considering the thought though. The fact that you're even considering it means that it's ok for you to betray me." Kevin says, "No no no no, time out." Ragamuffin won't shut up. She says how she never even considered it. She never even considered keeping Jeff no matter what the DR told her. Then guess what happens. Yup. We get fish.

Feeds come back for maybe 5 seconds and Ragamuffin is still yelling at Kevin. Kevin is saying, "Wait a minute... whoa whoa whoa. I said they're [the DR] making me consider it." Grrrr... fish again. Feeds come back and Kevin is telling her how he's had many times to get rid of her and he never has. Ragamuffin, not to be outdone, says she's saved him too. She says, "I could have never gotten this far without you and you could have never gotten this far without me." Kevin asks, "Then why are you tripping? Why are you tripping?" They hoot and holler a little bit more saying the same shit over and over again and Kevin wonders if Memphis and Dan went through this too. Ragamuffin continues, "I mean, this is bullshit... I swear if you keep her..." Kevin laughs and says, "You're going crazy. Seriously, stop! I just got raped in a DR session. I need some support." Ragamuffin says, "I'm gonna rape you!" Then, yes, fish.

Feeds come back to Kevin saying, "Nothing's changing. Stop tripping." Ragamuffin says, "Bitch is going home tomorrow." Kevin says, "Michele will be going home tomorrow and Operation Delete The Middle Row will be a success." Kevin asks her if she's entertaining thoughts the DR are giving her and she says, "No! I shut them down immediately!" Fish. Feeds come back to Ragamuffin saying how vengeful she is. She wants Kevin to go wake up Michele right now and tell her he's made a decision. He says he'll do it in the morning. He'll ask Jordan if she's ready for Final 2 status meaning that she needs to be ready to throw the HOH tomorrow if he needs her to. Ragamuffin licks her paws and says, "Now that it's crunch time you all will see why I got chosen as an athlete. I'm serious!" Kevin says nothing and chuckles to himself. Ragamuffin continues, "I will knock somebody out. I will cut a bitch. I will bite a ear off." Kevin just giggles and puts his head down into one of his fabulous scarves. He says, "See? That's what scares me! I'm on your team and you're talking like that." Ragamuffin tells him he'll have no problems as long as he doesn't keep Michele.

Convo turns to HOH comp and Kevin wants to be sure that Ragamuffin will fall if Jordan falls. Ragamuffin says that she's gonna hold on for a little bit more and Kevin wants her to promise him that she'll fall. She said she'll give Kevin the competition but she wants it to be realistic so she won't fall immediately. Kevin says he'll give her a warning by saying, "Natalie girl, I have one minute left." Then they argue some more about who should throw which part of the HOH. They're both just getting paranoid pre HOH jitters. Ragamuffin claims she knows she can win the endurance. No one can beat her if she wants to win. LOL "Me throwing endurance is HUGE!"

The paranoia continues and they keep talking in circles. Here's what I want to happen. I want Ragmuffin to fall first, Kevin to win endurance. I'd like Jordan to win Part 2 just to piss off the Ragamuffin. Then I want Kevin to win Part 3. That way the end would be a nail biter and Kevin would have a tough decision to make.

I totally made a mistake yesterday when I mentioned the contest. The Big Bitchy Contest is still going on until today at 5 PM EST. Finalists will be announced tomorrow.

Tonight is going to be a great CBS show. I will be tweeting updates throughout the endurance HOH. I hope it's a long one. Have a great day everyone!

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  1. Gil Harbord is from Ladette to Lady

  2. Gil Harbord is the principal and floristry teacher in Ladette to Lady.

    Love your blog LaLa. Only found it this year and am sorry the BB season will soon be over and I'll have to forego the daily laughs. I might just watch Survivor and the Amazing Race just so I can keep up to date on your fanciful life!


  3. Could the Seinfeld episode be the one where Elaine is trying to get a job and the interviewer assures Elaine that not everyone has grace? Elaine argues that she has a little grace, but not as much as Jackie O. After the interviewer shoots her down she responds with 'All right, look, I don't have grace, I don't want grace, I don't even say grace, okay?' Anyway, that's my guess. Greatest TV show of all time!! Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

    And BTW, your blog is Bitchin'!!

  4. Do you think there would have been a second Pandora's box if anybody but Ragamuffin had won HOH? Obviously, they had this set up and ready to go and just needed an excuse to spring it – like all their other arbitrary, whimsical and unexpected japes.

    Whether the producers intended the stunt to help or hurt Natalie, it took her head out of the game long enough that she made up that horrible "reverse final two" lie that turned off everyone, made them suspicious of her and maybe cost her votes. She could have played it off so much better, if she hadn't given in to that pathologic impulse to lie.

    Yeah, LaLa, the proposal came off as canned and unromantic. And a marriage is never going to happen. She hasn't brought it up since, has she?

    We'll see how the producers really feel about Nats (hmmmm, the biggest psychos the last two seasons have the same name) by whether they ask any questions about the baby, the cat and the sprayer who came through when she was not eating any sushi with her (supposed now) fiance.

    I continue to love your blogging: your fantasies are easily more entertaining than anything going on in the house. Seems like BB, of late, always ends not with a bang, but with a whimper.

    Paul in Chicago

  5. The cheating by the producers is frustrating. But whatever, great post as always.

  6. I am so Happy Mr. O Shaunessy has his very own twitter account now. He is SO delicously sneaky. OOOOOps, Did he sneak out of his cubby and do that while you were refilling the opium pipe?????

  7. Beyotchykeen, I can't believe you found Mr. O'Shaugnessy's twitter account. Unfortunately, he was too drunk when he set that up and he can't remember his password. I'll have to set him up a new one so he can start tweeting to his heart's content. Stay tuned for his new address.

  8. Hiya, Lala. Been awhile but I've been reading. I so hope Kev gets rid of Nat. If he doesn't, I don't want him to win. I've said from 1st show BB is in this more than any other season. They really set it up for Jessie to come back.
    Anyway, just wanted to say hey and I'm still faithful to your number 1 blog.

    BTW, Mr.O'Shaugnessy has a blog? I must have missed that. Will have to find it.

    Thanks for keeping me up to date and entertained.

  9. Lala
    .I was intrigued by the BB/DR conspiracy theories spun by you last week & assigned some of it to poetic license.
    .In my opinion NastaLIE is a pathological liar & doesn't know the truth to tell so I didn't believe her Pandora's Box engagement story.

    Metaphorically speaking and based on my miserable analysis I must be legally blind but I see this clearly: your humor is a bright spot in our day. Thanks.

  10. I think exactly opposite of you re: Michelle I like her and hope Kevin keeps her and she wins the whole dang thing. She has been alone through the wole show and I hate to see someone excluded that way. Despite that, she has perservered to get in the final four. Michelle FTW

  11. I think Kev is screwed all the way around.

    That freaking rabid taco bell dog is going to win this damn game.

    If he goes against Nat... I think Jessie, Russ, Jeff and Jordan will vote for Nat to win.

    If he goes vs Jordan... Jeff, Michele, Nat, and America will vote for Jordan.

    If he goes against Michele... Jeff, Jordan, Nat and America, Possibly even Russ will vote for Michele.

    Just my opinion, but I think the scarfed one is playing for $50,000. So an ass licking whack job, a chunky dimwitted door knob, or the stanking little lying mutt will win this game.

    I cannot wait til next season.

  12. Lala- Here is what is sure to be an unpopular take on things. I really don't believe the DR is interfereing here. I've watched these people enough to get to know their styles. I firmly believe Kevin is using the DR as a scapegoat for his consideration of keeping Michele. I think he was using the DR to feel out Natalie, possibly setting up a situation where if he kept Michele he could just blame it on the DR. This theory is TOTALLY Kevin's style. He never takes responsibility for any of his free thinking as we see the difference between him in the house, and him in the DR. I believe BB may interfere from time to time, but my instincts STRONGLY lean towards scheme in this instance. Just entertain this thought. Scapegoating is sometimes neccesary. Completely uinrelated, but damn Mr O'Shaugnessy for being a druken loser. Way to kill a fun idea you stupid leprechaun. Ass. ;)

  13. I may have to go with Jo on this one. I think Kevin has done the math and is pretty sure that he can't win against Jordan or Natalie. So he's weighing the option of Michele. Too bad Kev doesn't know that he'd likely have Jessie and Russell's votes purely for having rid the house of Jeff. And I quite honestly believe that he'd win America's vote over Natalie. It may be in his best interest to stick to the current plan, but not throw ANY of the HOH phases, cause that yippy bitch is waiting for the opportunity to throw him under the bus. I think she wants to take Jordan to the f2. I think Jeff and Michele would play it personally, so those are two votes he'd never get. But why do we automatically assume that Jordan would vote the way of Jeff? I think she'd be the wild card on the jury. So I think Kevin's best chance at the $500,000 is with Natalie. Provided Jessie sticks to his pledge of voting for stategy, not personally.

  14. One other thought:

    Has the BB brass loosened up on the post-exit interview? Ross Mathews (who is really quite good) talked a lot of game with Jeff, way more than in his usual exit interviews.

    I also have to question how much Natalie's boyfriend told her about game play. Seems odd that the producers would chance Nat getting good information from the outside, unless they were trying to aid her.

    Paul in Chicago

  15. So sick of K/N gloating over torturing M @ her brother who recently died. Typical mean kids w/high school mentality. Tired of "Nerds" being shunned, even on your site. I voted numerous times for M using 2 computers. I hope she wins AC, and the shock on K/N's faces will be a win for me!