Sunday, September 6, 2009

Oh Happy Day!

Good morning BB fans! Have you ever seen such a lovely morning? The flowers are blooming (not really), the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the bitches doing construction on a house a few doors down finally took the morning off, and once again I have hope that disease will be eviscerated and peace will take over the land. I had a good day yesterday. Let's go ahead and call it a great day. My leprechaun is back to normal and he spent all night making sweet sweet love to me. I had to celebrate after that 2 hour phone conversation I had last night with a former HG where I found out the juiciest of the juiciest details of the inner workings of all things BB. I think I might have to go around calling myself an "official" BB insider at this point. Yes, as a matter of fact I think I will. I'm official. I'll be walking with my head a little higher and my pants a little tighter today. Never hurts to show some ass when you're feeling powerful. More importantly, yesterdays house happenings was the stuff dreams are made of. Let's recap, shall we?

You might be asking yourselves, why is this man so happy? Well, he's happy because he won POV bitches! Mr. O'Shaugnessy, my opium please. The most important POV competition of the season took place yesterday and it had something to do with stacking things that were related to past POV comps. From what I can gather, Jordan had a miserable time and couldn't even remember that Russell went on the block as a replacement. Fucking idiot. She can't remember the biggest/dumbest move she made with Jeffy Pooh? Let's just send her home with a some lovely parting gifts of miles of linked sausages and call it a day. She's beyond insufferable at this point. Ragamuffin was indeed telling the truth and she was not able to play at all. That leaves Ass Licker and Divine Scarfed One. I have no idea if it was a close competition and I don't really care. Fabulicious is safe and that's all that matters.

Apparently, during the competition there were some technical issues and the game had to be paused. Kevin was quoted as saying those pauses helped him because it gave him time to think. Wouldn't you know it? All the Twitter idiots freaked out demanding a "do over" and saying that Kevin cheated. You fucking morons. The game was paused. He was able to think. Don't you think that also gave Jordan and Michele time to think too? I'm so sick of these conspiracy theorists flapping their gums about complete and utter nonsense simply because the game isn't going the way they planned. In addition to everyone calling Kevin a cheater, they also went into another round of mourning for Jeff. This is where I just sat back and sharpened my throwing knives. People were actually tweeting Jeff quotes as some sort of desperate menopausal "in memoriam" bullshit. I think I went and watched another episode of Gossip Girl to clear my head. I'm on Season 2 now and it's quite possibly one of the best shows ever. It's teaching me to be even more evil and more conniving. I love it.

As you can imagine after the game the Ragamuffin was overflowing with happiness. She smiled and gloated and then demanded that Kevin admit that her insisting they study paid off. Ragamuffin is on this new kick where she goes around demanding validation. The other night she wanted to be labeled the Queen Prankster. Last night she tried to get Kevin to tell her she was the be all and end all of all things BB. Kevin may be aligned with her, but don't for one second think that he's giving into her bullshit. He's smart enough to know how to tell people what they want to hear. It's like with that Jessie crying thing... he knew his alliance was acting like a bunch of fucking morons, but he kept his mouth shit and waited to unleash on them in the safety of the DR. He's doing the same thing here with Ragamuffin. He'll let her think she's queen of the world, but really he's just rolling his eyes the whole time.

Ragmuffin really wanted Kevin to admit that the calendar was all her idea and how helpful it really was and Twitter went ahead and called foul yet again. All the tweets were claiming that making a calendar is cheating and they should be kicked out of the game blah blah blah. Someone from every season had made some sort of calendar to help them study. Zach used the chess board. I think Daniele used M&M's. Natalie (BB9) used nail polish. Michele used her birth control pills and Kevin and Ragmuffin used Play Doh. It's not cheating. It's inventive. Get over it.

The two retreated to the HOH and celebrated that they're now in the Final 3 and Jeff/Jordan fans died a little inside. Kevin says he fell down crying after his victory. So did Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Mr. O'Shaugnessy has been a Kevin fan from the very beginning. When he's not tickling my no-no, he knits beautiful cashmere scarves in Kevin's honor. He's quite the talented knitter by the way. I've picked up a little knitting myself over the past few years. A girl can never have enough pairs of fingerless gloves you know. I think they're dead sexy and they keep my hands warm when I'm shooting (bears) outdoors in the winter. Mr. O'Shaugnessy, on the other hand, loves to knit his Kevin scarves and beanie hats with ear flaps. His little pointy ears are very sensitive to the wind and he needs to keep them protected. Oh my god. What the fuck am I talking about? Your girl Lala is a rambling fool this morning. Anyhow, Kevin still thinks Pandora's Box isn't over yet and he asked the Ragamufifn if she had a mystery power she's not telling him about. Kevin says, "Swear on your engagement you don't have the mystery power." Ragamuffin replies, "I swear." Not long thereafter Ragamuffin does something completely predictable and claims, "I would have won that Kevin. You know I would have won that."

Meanwhile downstairs Jordan is whining about being an awful player. She talks about how she can't win anything and how Jeff had to give her HOH and I ordered out for Thai food or something. It's about time Jordan realized she sucked. I've said from Day 1 that she did not belong in this house. It's disgusting she's made it this far. It's even more disgusting she'll be going to the Final 3. If she makes it to the Final 2, I'll be very angry. She's quite possibly the most undeserving BB player ever. I don't care that she hasn't won anything in the house. I care that she rode Jeff's coat tails and didn't think of one single strategy move on her own. She tanned, ate, said dumb stuff, and rubbed Jeff. Jeff was the mastermind behind her getting this far. I may not have liked Jeff, but he's much more deserving of some prize money than Jordan ever will be.

Michele in the meantime knows she's in trouble, but unfortunately she can't really vent about it. She's too busy placating Jordan. Damn you Jordan! I really really really wanted another Michele breakdown and I didn't get it. When Michele cries all of my fairies come out and flutter about dropping shiny sparkles in my hair. I get naked and dance around while a Satyr plays the pipes and Mr. O'Shaugnessy plays the bongos. I like to be surrounded by music as much as possible... especially the sweet sounds of 'Greensleeves' done with a Reggae backbeat.

Back in the HOH Kevin is insisting that the POV was totally set up for Michele to win. I agree. Maybe now that she lost BB will stop interfering in everything and let the fucking game play itself already. The two manipulators vow to give Michele a false sense of security and I poured myself a another glass of my bathtub gin. Kevin isn't going to tell Michele what he's going to do. He's still mad at her for a move she made way early in the game so he's not doing the bitch any favors at this point. He blames Michele for Jessie hating him and my memory is shot so I can't even remember if he's right or not. Since I like him and I hate Michele I'm going to assume he's right and enjoy Michele's uncertainty about her place in the game. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking I might have a throw a huge party for when the Ass Licker goes home. I'll get big pink balloons that look like inflatable asses and when she leaves the building we'll all pop them with razor sharp dildos. Who's in?

Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to discuss the upcoming endurance comp and Kevin claims that there's no way in hell he's falling before Jordan. Here's how the convo went.

Kevin, “There’s no way I’m falling before Jordan.”
Natalie, “I’m an athlete. This is what I do.”
Kevin, “We need to knock out Jordan as soon as possible.”
He says she could get lucky and win at a true/false thing in the final part of the HOH.
Kevin “We can’t let Jordan get to phase 3.”
Kevin goes on, “I’m gonna bleed, I will shit on myself, I will piss on myself, I will eat bugs. We are talking about half a million dollars. I’ll do what I need to do.”
They compare themselves to Dan and Memphis and Natalie thinks Michele is going to be all over Kevin up until the veto cermony. She asks, "Should I cock block?"
Kevin replies, “Yeah. I’m not gonna give her a definitive answer though.”
Kevin says, “I’m not going to give her any opportunity to talk to me alone. She’ll have to struggle to talk to me. She's gonna have diarrhea and no sleep. Sorry." LMAO Phrases like that warm my heart.

They go on to discuss how Ragmuffin's boyfriend told her how hated she is on all the blogs and Ragamuffin worries about what kind of edit she's getting Oh Ragamuffin... no edit needed my precious. You're naturally vile and evil.

Later Michele is in the BY trying to convince Kevin that Natalie threw him under the bus and said she wanted him out of the game. Kevin nods and says it's completely understandable. It is a game they're playing after all. Michele doesn't quite know how to respond to that and she eats her entire face. Kevin jokes that he'll dress up as a Queen for the POV cermony and rub it in Natalie's face. He's still trying to make Michele believe that he doesn't have a Final 2 with the Ragamuffin. He hints at keeping Michele and openly questions the authenticity of Natalie's engagement. Michele is trying to convince him to keep her to the end because Natalie in the jury house is most certainly a vote for Kevin and not a vote for Michele. She's right, but I hate her so I still want her gone.

Natalie goes outside and they talk about finally doing their fashion show. Michele gets up and goes inside and Natalie tells Kevin that Jordan told her that she wants Michele out and that she wouldn't vote for Kevin to win. Jordan is actually convinced that Kevin and Michele have a Final 2 deal. LMAO I'm laughing so hard because Natalie even begins to suspect it. Way to go Jordan. I have to give props to anyone who makes the Ragamuffin uneasy. Ragamuffin again tells Kevin to stop bringing up Pandora's Box and then she launches into a big thing where she wants Kevin to tell her that she was responsible for getting them this far. She's completely paranoid as to whether or not Kevin is loyal. Kevin assures her that he had many chances to get rid of Natalie but he never did. Ragmuffin doesn't care. She wants Kevin to admit that the LML (Last Minute Lie) was her idea and she carried it out and she should get all the credit. Is she working on her arguments as to why she should win this game? I'm thinking in the answer/question portion of the finale she wants to paint herself as this great mastermind. Sure, she invented the lies, but she would never have been able to carry them out without Kevin's gift of persuasion. Kevin was equally, if not more, important to the success of the LML.

What was happening in the BY was 2 people simulataneously becoming very aware that they are both genius liars and probably unable to completely ever trust each other. It got tense for a little bit especially when Natalie was telling Kevin to stop asking her about Pandora's Box. Could this mean that there's more to it than she's revealing? I heard an interesting rumor last night about it that I'm not really allowed to say anything about, but Natalie could indeed have many secrets. Kevin keeps telling Natalie that she's tripping over nothing and Natalie starts to rehearse her POV speech to Jordan. I didn't bother jotting it down because, quite frankly, I'm sick of Natalie's speech rehearsing at this point.

Oh dear... I just became very nauseous. Shit. If I'm pregnant with a drunken leprechaun I'm gonna be really pissed. Seriously bitches... I'm not feeling very well so I'm going to have this wrap this up quick.

The night ended with the fashion show they wanted to do the previous night. Kevin was emcee and they all had a blast walking the runway and posing.

Kevin went first and looked very dapper.

Jordan tried to eat an interior decorating prop.

And then Jordan channeled Britney and looked like a hot mess.

Next up was this idiot who strutted and posed and later announced she wasn't wearing any underwear.

Uh oh. I shouldn't have posted that. Now I think I'm definitely going to hurl.

Lastly the Ragmuffin strutted her stuff and flashed us all her boobies. I know you're all throwing acid all over your bodies right now which is why I'm going to end this here and go moan in my bed for a while. I just know that one of you out there is poking your voodoo dolls of me and I really don't appreciate it.

Keep voting for the BBTop50 and sending in your contest entries! Thanks everyone. Have a great day!

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  1. Hey LaLa,
    Another awesome blog today. My question for you is do you think Natalie is the most hated houseguest in BB USA history, as mentioned in the article? I can't stand the bitch, but I didn't realize the the hate was that widespread.The article even goes further to say that Nat is more stupid than Jordan which i feel is a stretch. What do you think of ragamuffin's place in BB history?

  2. Also, how awesome would it be if PB didn't bring Nat's boyfriend, but something esle.

  3. Next time don’t send a leprechaun to do a woman’s job.Your little pint-sized distillery whipped up a isle ‘o’green coup d’etat.When you thought he was sitting on your unicorn’s horn, he was on the horn with my pack of West Highland Terriers coordinating my demise.That’s right! On the orders of that o’Don of yours those little white bastards told them that the legendary Night Train would come get me and drop me off in The Dark Forest to be left for Voldemort.My three Westies locked me in their Kennel on Wednesday & I chewed my way out.To add insult to injury I had to continually hear that Irish brogue on the speaker phone laughing like a school girl.Why? Why? I am glad you asked…
    Not since the Great Potato Famine has a little Irishman caused panic in the hearts of Westies as the one in your servitude.Once upon a time, there was The Bitchy Big Brother Blog.When a perfectly reasonable housewife started reading your Blog she started laughing loudly & uncontrollably.Day after day. The pack had threatened me with a call to their Vet seeking a series of rabies shots or worse.Why? Why you ask? YOU! Picture this: a middle aged sea hag sitting in a room alone laughing like a mental patient day after day, week after week reading your damn Blog & cramming potato chips in her mouth.
    And what was the acerbic little PMS’n pup’s response? Your response was the same song second verse Lala! You opined that the proximate cause of my fixation on the hot one was the constellation of my freeze dried eggs, shriveled play pen,whore-moan levels,faded memories from a couple of lifetimes ago; it was laughable, predictable & that we middle aged hags would be lusting for (***harps) Jeff (***end harps )because of our vacant lives. You, Lala, are the root of e-VIL & are directly responsible for my favorite piece of furniture, Jeff, getting kicked to the BB curb on Thursday. While I was kenneled (in a very fine kennel though…never mind…)everyone was muttering: Jeff stupid shit to everyone but not to the HOH Kevin, then DrRatzAss to herself, the people in my head! Jeff, Shut up! Stop talking! You’re furniture & furniture needs permission to talk.
    Well now then, instead of sending your enforcer & terminator, Mr. O’Shaugnessy, down here to ruffle the feathers of us Southern belles & shrinking violets have him go kick some Raggamuffin ass! ‘Cause as you know I am Kevin’s fag-hag & if you think this post-menopausal bitch is crazy now: if that girl imposter, DrRatDasterdly or Mrs. Fields makes it with my bitch Kevin to the F2 I will substitute my Lala inspired voodoo doll & will use Mr. O’Shaugnessy himself to cast spells on your little traveling vaudeville show! Why? BE-CAuse that tOO Lala will be all of your fault! That is right! I am saying it here on The Bitchy Big Brother Blog first Lala. For the 1st time in BB history: I want Kevin to win First and Second place concurrently!
    Now, I have some good news for me & bad news for you. Upon liberation I see The Bitchy empire continues with The Bitchy Survivor Blog & The Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. No doubt they too will be #1 because all of us bitches in your coven will dutifully vote every day because we have been very bad girls & boys.
    You have even begun selling treasures with that little anarchist & mafioso's ass on them. Mutha may I be the first to submit my application for The Bitchy Apprentice? Get CBS on the phone. I am relieved (no, no, I did just relieve myself…cause you know I was 30 something once...)to know that I won’t have to read The Bitchy franchise offering commentary of water boarding Mr. O'Shaugnessy & his little friends to satisfy my insatiable appetite for Lala. OK, Lala, penicillin can’t help with this dahlin’ you got me for life! So you got got. Good job with all of your hard work on The Bitchy empire & your Rupert Murdoch ass.
    Tweet you later sweetheart!

  4. Typo in the fourth paragraph, "Kevin kept his mouth shit", should be shut, I'm assuming. :P

    Unfortunately, as we all know, Jordan WILL end up, by some fluke, in the final 2. Jordan's Cowboy 2.0.

  5. Yaaaaay! Go, Kev-o, GO! I'm so happy that he got POV and the cherry on top is that the bitter ass Jeff fans have truly lost their collective shit. Dear Jeff Fans - he's gone. Life carries on. Get over it. It's just a TV show.

    I still think Natalie is lying. No way she's engaged. Since I only recently discovered your fabulous blog, I was reading old post to increase my intake of fabulousness for the day, and I came across this fabulous nugget. It was the day that Natalie revealed to Chima that she was really 24. She said her boyfriend really wasn't her boyfriend. They were "working things out." Mmmm hmmm. Whatever. Why would he propose?

    And anyway CBS is a ratings whore, if there were truly an engagement, they'd be teasing the HELL out of it. They'd be talking about "a surprise guest comes and asks one of the HG for their hand in marriage" or something like that (so the Jeff fans would think it was him coming for Jordan). No way they'd sit on that. They told us what PB is: it will change the game and it will involve the jury. Natalie's a big ole liar. Why else would she get so antsy when Kevin asks her about PB. Something's up.

    Thank you for your wonderful blog! What am I going to do without my daily fix of bitchiness?

  6. Dude, we all know Nat did not see her bf. Well she did, but that bf in question is Jessie. I'm starting to dislike that little man/girl. If she screws Kevin... it will soooooooo suck. But I'll put on my big girl panties and deal with it. As all Jeff fans should do.

    Go K-Town!

  7. Monie, no I don't think Natalie is the most hated HG. I think Chima might hold that title.

    MissIrreverence, put down the crack pipe. I repeat, put down the crack pipe and just walk away. ;)

    Alli, way to go on digging up that nugget. Good job Nancy Drew. I had completely forgotten about that. I think everyone always benefits from going back into my archives... and I don't mean that in a sexual way... oh, who am I kidding, sure I do.

  8. In support of Miss Alli's comments as stated above see: "Big Brother 11 Natalie Martinez with Diane Henry - Part 2" at 2:55 minutes NastaLIE in her own words...

  9. Lala - what I'm about to say may upset you, but you like honesty so here it is. I think you are more like Michelle than you might realize. You're both smart, strong women (yes, the flattery is deliberate) but you are also overtly sexualized, a bit dirty and like to shock folks with this. Granted, you probably ..umm and ..ahhh a lot less than she does, but when she is comfortable with a person, neither does she. Right now, the conversation she is having with Jordan is so natural, direct and honest. I'm liking her a lot, just as I enjoy your blog (again with the flattery).

  10. Anonymous you are never allowed to post here again.


  11. OMFG.

    Down is up. Up is down. Left is right. And f'in right is left.

    Bitch was tellin' the truth?! Well f me slowly with a pogo stick. I feel like I've entered bizarro world.

  12. Kev's POV win SHOULD be done over as he himself said he had an unfair advantage. Apparently, he got the first look at the questions, not the girls, so he alone had a longer time to figure out the answers. I may be wrong about him having the first look only, BUT if he did, it definitely should be done over.

  13. So i discovered your blog 2 days ago and it is now the only blog i can read for big brother information, your hatred for michelle aside.

  14. David in Chelsea, MASeptember 7, 2009 at 8:35 AM

    Natalie's though bubble upon hearing her boyfriend ask her to marry him: "How will this affect my game? Hmmmm... also Jessie's kinda more famous than my current squeeze so should I just say 'yes' to look good on TV and then ditch him later for the arrogant god-boy? Hmmm. What to do? What to do?"

  15. what MissIrreverence said -all that!!! what would we do without your 'smutterings' :D love u
    i have gone cold turkey off this entire BB subject (well except for you-cuz u make it all make sense and bring out the best in all of us) thanks for the memories.:DDDDD

  16. Is it just me, or did Gnat seem underwhelmed by the engagement.? The fiance had tears in his eyes, and Gnat seemed detached. Would the game really take precedence over this event.? A ray of hope. Will Kevin vote out Jordough and shock Gnat.? It seemed as if he was aligning himself with Michele, in an attempt to beat Gnat. Maybe I am falling for another one of his lies. Still hoping for a Kevin/Michele final 2.

  17. Wonder of wonders,

    When cornered, the Raggamuffin tells the truth. This alarming behavior is completely out of character for this majestic creature of the Big Brother house.

    Of course, that was after Kevin pretty much told her the lie she told was BULLSHIT. And it was.

    She would have been much better off risking Kevin's wrath with the truth.

    Do the right thing Kev, win Michele's trust.