Satan Herself

Is everyone ok? Did you all survive the night? I know, I know my children... Golden Boy is gone and all your hearts are breaking. Come to Lala and cry it out. I promise not to laugh at you for a good solid 5 seconds. Now who's ready to party? Oh divine day! The fringe element of the Chat Hag Army has vowed to never watch BB again. They've all OD'd on progesterone at this point (someone kindly notified me that progesterone is what you take for hot flashes not estrogen) and now they're just sitting around waiting for Cougar Town to air on Lifetime. Obviously, Dirt didn't clue anyone in to the fact that Courtney Cock shouldn't be headlining a show, but who am I to judge? Oh wait... judging is the "job" I've given myself here at the BBBB. Let the evil commence!

First things first, live show to discuss. Russell is safely esconced in the Jury House and will thankfully not be returning to the game. Oh seriously, how much sex are Lydia and Jessie having? I think I saw some stray sperm on that couch. Anyhow, I kind of liked it when Russell joined them and they all hugged and became buddy buddy. When the boys said they'd still vote for Jeff in the Final 2, my heart swelled. I knew they'd vote for best strategy. It keeps me hopeful that Jordan will not win this game. Jeff, on the other hand, will be a different story. I think he'll 100%, no questions asked, vote personal. He'll look at who screwed him over the least and vote for that person. The guy can't handle getting his got got so to speak. Russell won't do shit to him when Jeff finally does arrive. Ironically enough, Russell knows it's all a game. Jeff will be uncomfortable for about 10 minutes and they'll all have a good time masturbating and drinking by the pool. No worries.

Jeff's speech... can we talk about this please? Not what I expected at all. A little disappointing quite frankly. I know I love the drama of an evil speech, but Jeff's wasn't even evil. It was like a big baby throwing a tantrum. Jeff calling Kevin a backstabber is fucking hysterical. Pot meet kettle. Jeff backstabbed much worse than Kevin ever did. Jeff went against an alliance (Russell) he had for weeks, an alliance he swore on his family on. Kevin simply played Jeff. There was no trust there. Golden Boy got got. He could dish it, but he couldn't take it. Natalie and Kevin convincing Jeff to turn on Russell will go down as one of the biggest moves of this game. Like it or not, it was a great fucking move.

Jordan's speech was just all over the place. I have no idea what the hell what she was saying. I was just waiting for her boobs to pop out of that dress. Oh come on! You were thinking it too. Unfortunately, her boobs stayed covered and Dingbat Dough Girl never got her departing kiss from Golden Boy. So sad. Perhaps now we can focus on the game instead of a twisted relationship between two idiots where one is always berating the other.

Last but not least Julie Chen said the most evil words ever... some more shit to come from that stupid Pandora's Box. I think it'll be just another luxury thing that Natalie can choose to share with the house or not. Knowing her, she will NOT share it. She's desperate for prizes at this point and I think she'll try to keep something all to herself and try not to tell anyone else about it. Speaking of the Ragamuffin, how many of you stuck hot pokers in your eyes when she won HOH? LOL That was the final straw for a lot of people in the chats. Personally, I'm just glad Michele didn't win. My only goal this week is to see Kevin safe. Ragamuffin is essentially powerless. Everything rides on that POV.

The feeds came on fairly quickly after the live show ended and Natalie and Kevin immediately reviewed the questions from the HOH comp. It turns out we got fish during the live show because Kevin said "mofo". He had no idea he wasn't allowed to say that and I think they yelled at him a little afterwards. Jordan seemed to be OK and she wasn't crying or anything.

In a weird turn of events the HG's got a Luxury Shopping Spree last night. It required them to grab clothes off of mannequins and everyone seemed really pleased afterwards.

Ragamuffin was able to snag the Seinfeld "Puffy Shirt" and a bunch of other stuff that didn't really fit her.

Michele grabbed the ugliest tackiest clothes I've ever seen. Is she going to a crafting convention in this shirt?

Jordan, on the other hand, turned to the bottle. Submarine Sandwich downed an entire bottle of wine in under an hour. You go girl! One thing I did notice with Jordan, other than her new alkie ways, was that she seemed to insantly grow up a little in the matter of a couple of hours. Could it be that Jeff has been holding her down this whole time? I think so. Her world was Jeff. Now that Jeff is finally gone, her world can rightly go back to being about Jordan. Am I the only one who saw her carry herself differently, speak more directly, and sit a little taller? Jeff leaving could be the best thing that's ever happened to Jordan. Sure, she's a two ton wine swilling alkie now, but she's more mature and that's all that counts. LOL

Kevin was called to the DR and it was time for some girl talk. Ass Licker, Drunky McGee, and Ragamuffin are all in the kitchen eating some pizza. They're discussing Final 2 possibilities and Ragamuffin blurts out that she wants to get Kevin out. Before all the members of The Scarfed One Fan Club go into a panic, calm down. Ragamuffin is lying. She's already planned with Kevin to nominate him so the others think they aren't as close as they really are. Jordan is utterly shocked from the idea of Natalie turning on Kevin and you can see the rusty wheels begin to turn in her head. She's wondering if Natalie is trustworthy after all. Ragamuffin is going on and on about how Kevin would be impossible to beat in the Final 2 and I kind of want to slap her in the face. She's right about Kevin being unbeatable, but she doesn't have to vocalize to the other two so loudly, does she?

Finally we get the moment Mr. O'Shaugnessy was dreading. We get Ragamuffin's HOH reveal. Mr. O'Shaugnessy spent all last night crying into his tumbler of Whiskey. I told you how he loathes the Ragamuffin, but I'm wondering if he's crying from his date with Deion. You broke my leprechaun Deion! That's it. No one else can borrow him from here on out. I had to stay up with him all night singing Enya and Corrs songs to him and I'm never doing that shit again if I can help it. Today I have to buy him a new hat and suspenders from Neiman's. He has very expensive taste. He's mad the Ragamuffin got new clothes and he didn't. I think I'll pop on over to the Sharper Image as well and buy him one of those massage chairs. You haven't lived until you've seen a giggling vibrating leprechaun... naked.

OK so Ragamuffin gets her room and it's filled with junk food and candy. Big Brother must be super pissed off at me because they gave her two tubs of Red Vines. Ragamuffin eating candy, let alone chewy candy, makes my brain bleed. She had some photos of her dad and Ms. Turkey Roll slurred, "Awww he's so cute. He looks Spanish!". The photos of her boyfriend... can we talk about this? Dude looks old. I know I swore not to pick on people unaffiliated with the game, but CRADLE ROBBER... that's all I'm gonna say. Chicken Chow Mein picked up a photo of one of Natalie's friends and claimed she didn't look like she was 18. Ragamuffin snarled and grabbed it out of her hand and insisted her friend didn't look old.

Ragmuffin continued to go through her HOH basket announcing, "I asked for this! I asked for this! I asked for this too!" Uh duh. BB tends to give you things you ask for you rabid freak. If you can't tell already, yes Ragamuffin is beginning to bug me. I really don't like her when she feels safe and I have a feeling that she's going to be a nightmare HOH. I still think she's an evil genius and has pulled off some of the greatest moves this season, but she's also very annoying. She gets to her letter and it's from her dad. He tells her to make good choices and not to cheapen herself. Ragamuffin declares the letter must be old because he didn't mention her boyfriend and then she goes back to digging through her shit. There was cookie dough in the fridge and she says, "Jordan that must be for you." She also had 2 Mike's Lemonades and she insists they're left over from Kevin and she shoves in the back of the fridge. Instead she holds up her Arizona Green Tea and begins to tell us over and over again how much she loves it and how she drinks it all the time. By this time, my head is splitting and I'm praying for sleep.

Check it out for yourself. Please to enjoy: (Thanks Shea and birddog1!)

Actually, I did fall asleep... for a little bit. I woke to find Michele, Kevin and Ragamuffin in the HOH talking about nothing really. Michele talks about her bedazzled jean shorts and Kevin insists they're cute. No they're not. Michele finally leaves and Ragamuffin and Kevin waste no time laying into Michele. They call her "the bitch" and agree that the "the bitch has to go". Ragmuffin checks the spy screen to make sure Michele isn't listening in. They begin to straighten out the lies they've been telling Michele and I have to admit I'm completely lost. At this point, I assume everything they say is a lie. It's much more fun to try to pick out the truths since they're so rare. Kevin talks about trying to convince Michele he's not tight with Natalie at all. Their goal is to get Michele to take them to the Final 3 with her if she is the one making the decision.

Natalie says, "I'm gonna go balls out. Michele has to go." Ragamuffin's plan is to nominate Michele and Kevin. If Kevin or Ragamuffin wins POV, Kevin will come down and Jordan will go up. Ragamuffin thinks she'll strain her relationship with Jordan in doing this, but Kevin thinks Jordan will be fine just knowing that Michele is the target. Ragamuffin begins to wonder about her nomination speeches. She really wants to tell Michele what she thinks of her and call her out in front of everyone, but she doesn't know if it's a smart move at this point. She asks, "Is it a smart game move to tell her how I feel?" They talk about Jordan and how there's no way she's going home this week. They say how it must be nice to not win anything and sail until the Final 3.

Ragamuffin then tells Kevin the speech she wants to give Michele today during the nomination ceremony. This shit is funny so pay attention: "First off I want to begin by saying... Week 4 in Ronnie's eviction speech, everything he told you is exactly right. He was right on point of everything he said about you. I feel the same way. In fact, I also think you are a backstabbing habitual liar. What you did to Chima was the ultimate betrayal and you should feel despicable. You said that you dedicated your life to Christian values. Well, unfortunately for you when you walked into this house you threw all your Christian values away. Last week you tried to make a deal with me for Final 3 to keep Jeff in this house. Well, guess what? Maybe I haven't dedicated my whole life to Christain values but I also am a Christian. As a Christian I know not to make a deal with the devil and if I would of made a deal with you Michele I would have been making a deal with Satan herself so I respectfully decline your deal and I've nominated you for eviction... you know something along those lines." LMAO A speech dipped in chocolate, rolled in macadamia nuts, and covered in rubies. Rubies are red and red represents fire and fire represents hell. I'm quite certain that the Ragamuffin and "Satan herself" both reside in the ninth ring of hell. Kevin, bless his heart, says, "Is there a way you can make it sound less bitchy?" AHAHAHA!!!

She then tells Kevin what his speech will be. Something along the lines of how he must surprised by his nomination, but she hopes he can one day get over it and be her friend again. She says she'll mention the chess metaphor Kevin came up with when he called her the Queen. She'll say she's honored he thinks she's a queen, but he 's been her pawn and there comes a point where you have to sacrifice a pawn. Kevin tells her it sounds a little staged because this whole time she's been saying that nominations don't matter and her speeches are making the nominations sound like they are super important. Natalie insists they are because if she wins POV who she nominates matters. They agree that Kevin will react with a lot of eye rolling... nothing too dramatic.

So expect to see Michele and Kevin on the block and maybe something will happen with that Pandora's box today.

I know you all saw a commercial last night for Amazing Race and YES I will be doing a Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. There's nothing over there yet, but start following and bookmarking so you don't miss a thing. I'll be updating it this weekend and sending out tweets accordingly.

Have a great day everyone! Big BBUK finale today!