Saturday, August 22, 2009

Welcome To Boring Town - The Stinkiest Town There Is

I had a dream last night that I was entering the BB house. I was the new "entertainment" since my beloved Lydia had left. I remember packing my eclectic wardrobe thinking I was going to mix things up and give feedsters something to talk about. I took meticulous care with my hair and wore the hottest pair of skintight black leggings with a boob enhancing black leather vest. I strutted into the house to find everyone asleep. Sitting at the dining room table for hours looking around at everything I decided it was too fucking boring and I begged to go home. I can't even dream anything exciting anymore. This house is crushing my imagination. It's SO bloody boring. You guys may have hated Lydia, but you have to admit the house is on a one way track to Boring Town and I, for one, much prefer Crazy Town.

I watched Lydia's interview on Inside Dish just to get my fix for the day. She was enchanting and forthright not holding back a thing. She gave Jessie a 4 out of 10 in the make out department and I laughed and laughed. Ross blushed in delight when Lydia told him everything he wanted to know. Jessie, on the other hand, was a total tool in his interview and didn't give up any info. Lydia made us giggle while talking about taking out her emotions on her hair saying she's a "cutter dyer". We all thought the same thing: she said, "cutter"... oh my! *sigh* Lydia, take me with you to the Jury House! I don't want to watch Jeff and Jordan cuddle their way through the game (thanks eunice929!). Holding hands is NOT game play. I don't care how adorable the chat hags think it is. The southern accent is killing me. I can't take it anymore!

So yeah Jordan is talking. She's talking bunches of bullshit in between bites of mashed potatoes. Early in the day she tells Jeff that she thinks they should get rid of Kevin, then Russ, then Michele, and take Ragamuffin to the Final 3. Get ready for it... *warms up hot poker* This one is going straight into my heart. Mr. O'Shaughnessy is braiding my hair like Swiss Miss trying to make me feel better, but I pulled his pants down and pointed and laughed. I'm so grumpy that I've taken to humiliating my leprechaun. I can't physically hurt him anymore (or the LPS will take him away) so now I'm emotionally crippling him. If the LPS wants to punish anyone, it should be Jordan! She's eating the world's supply of corned beef and cabbage and the leprechauns are starving. She's the true evil one, not me.

Speaking of food, the Have-Not's were given Churros and Chitlins. Now, I know what a churro is and they're pretty good. Don't you get them at like amusement parks and stuff? Chitlins I'm not familiar with, but from what I understand they're pig anuses so Michele should be right at home preparing them every which way. I wouldn't be surprised if she orgasms during her meals from now on.

Jeff later confirms to Natalie that he will be nominating her and Kevin, whom I've taken to calling Fabulicious, and that he'll backdoor Russell. Natalie worries about Michele winning the veto. She asks Jeff what will happen if Michele doesn't use it. Jeff tells her that "she'll have to to prove her loyalty to me." This is where I'm going to have to discuss the ginormous head that Jeff has grown overnight. Jeff thinks that Russ is full of shit when he talks about what a great competitor he is. Jeff thinks if you're a winner you shouldn't go around telling everyone you're a winner. And then Jeff launches into a monologue about how he gave Russ his HOH and how winning the pimple comp with a word like "shotgun" is no big deal. He hates braggers yet he won't shut up about how he dropped only after making a deal. Hypocradar beeping loud and clear.

Ragamuffin tells Jeff, "You saved me last week. What you said is true. I'm loyal to you." Oh what a delicious little liar she is. Ragamuffin suggests that Jeff just go ahead and put up Russell and Ass Licker. That way one of them will definitely go home even if one wins the veto. Jeff says, "The ony reason I'm putting you up is because I haven't been with you from the start of the game. I like our friendship. I wish we would have established our friendship. I do think you are trustworthy. The odds are one of us will win the veto. It's not going to be a fucking benchpressing contest."

Jeff scampers off to Jordan and now they reconsider that maybe putting up Russ and Michele isn't a bad idea after all. Then they flip back to Ragamuffin and Fabulicious... then back to Russ and Michele... then back to Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. I feel like I'm watching a tennis match at this point only there's no intense grunting and someone is constantly shoveling cookie dough into her mouth. They flip again back to Russ going on the block because what if next week is endurance? Jordan has decided that she wants to trust Natalie and nominate Russ. Wait a tic... something is coming back to me now. Didn't Jeff and Jordan swear on their families not to nominate Russ or Michele? You guys know I don't give a shit what people swear on. It's only words, but the Morality Police in the chats is always so quick to jump on Ragamuffin for lying. It's immensely hypocritical to bash Ragamuffin for lying, but to forgive Jeff and Jordan for doing the exact same thing. Is it really so hard to give everyone a level playing field? Judge them all equally and with the same standards.

Natalie rejoins the Boring Twins and they discuss Russell and Michele in the Final 2. Natalie reminds Jordan how Russ definitely has Jessie's vote and, now that Lydia is gone and alone with Jessie, he probably has her vote too. Well, Jordan doesn't like that one bit and says, "Well should we just put up Russ and Michele?" Jesus Christ chunky monkey, make a fucking decision! Ragamuffin pushes how Russell admitted in front of everyone how he's going after the Boring Twins in the Final 4. Why even give him that opportunity? Good Ragamuffin good. I like where you're headed. Then Jeffy Pooh chimes in and blows it all to hell. He's still on his He-Man power kick going on and on about how Russell really isn't as great as he says he is and it's basically all about hubris for Jeff at this point. That Coup D'Etat went right to his head. Jeffy Pooh has been in power now for 3 weeks and he's beginning to think he's invincible. Well, Jeffy Pooh, if you want to ride the train of pride than I sincerely hope it's your downfall. As I learned in an episode of CHARMED, Pride is the most difficult of the seven deadly sins to overcome. It was Pru's downfall in that episode where Phoebe had Lust and kept trying to sleep with everyone (love it!). Pru was one strong witch and Jeff is a mere mortal. Jeff has no power after this week and he will suffer. Mark my words. He will suffer.

Ragamuffin runs to Fabulicious and tells him how Jeff will be nominating them. She tells him how Jordan told her that Russ really wanted Natalie out last week because she's the smarter competitor. Russell only voted out Lydia to make Jeff happy. He had to make up for that hinky Jessie vote somehow and Lydia was his way to do it. Ragamuffin and Fabulicious speculate how the coming veto could be a timed individual thing. Ragamuffin talks about how last season Jerry's time was 53 minutes and Memphis' time was 11 minutes. She's surprisingly knowledgable. I can't even remember that shit and I wrote about it all last season. Smoked too much pot in college and now I'm paying for it. My memory sucks.

Kevin feels a stirring in his nether regions and announces that he now finally feels like the game has really begun, "I feel like we're finally playing Big Brother. Shit matters. Decisions make huge differences." Kevin says, "Jeff is fucking smart." Ragamuffin replies, "Strategically in this game, and I've said this before, the first chance I get I'm getting him out of the house... He's been running this house since Week 3. He's the fucking man in charge." Natalie likes Michele the least, but thinks Jeff is the smartest. She'll keep Michele even though she hates her. Would you look at that? Someone is playing strategically and not personally. Wow. It's refreshing. I feel like I'm bathing in Sprite (thanks BB11_Unleashed!). Ragamuffin goes on to say that Jordan isn't dumb. She knows shit. Fabulicious says that Jordan is the least intelligent in the house and Ragamuffin tells him she's actually a little shocked at the questions Jordan has been asking her. OK Jordan fans go ahead and gloat. I know you want to. I'll give you exactly 30 seconds to do your "I told you so" dances.

Ok that's enough. None of you bitches can dance and Jordan is still stupid to me so cut it out. Kevin tells Natalie, "If I were Jeff, I'd send one of us home." Natalie says, "No! No no no." and she turns her attention to Russell again. She says if she were him, she'd start picking off his own people. Nat says, "He's smart. That's what I would do." Then the DR calls Kevin in and I can't help but wonder if BB is just trying to break up this great conversation about strategy. I was getting so excited that 2 people were finally looking at the game from others' points of view. I do that shit all the time. Put yourself in someone else's shoes when you're trying to work out a problem. The perspective you acquire is amazing. You have to be open-minded though to pull it off. Narrow minded selfish people don't do well to consider all viewpoints.

When Kevin returns they begin to discuss the HOH competition. Apparently, Russell used a gold can to keep Kevin from advancing in the game. Kevin thinks Russ will use that as proof of his loyalty to Jeff when in actuality he was just trying to prevent Kevin from winning. Kevin turns to Natalie and says, "I know we're both going on the block, but this could end up being a very big week for us." Natalie says, "I know. I feel good about it Kev." Awwww. From your mouths kids... from your mouths. Kevin says that when Lydia was on the block she was always angry, but Kevin is pumped. He's excited about the veto and the Scarfed One is ready to kick some ass. I'm switching it up today from cheerleader kicks to Rockette kicks. This calls for a whole line of kicking!

OK so I know I want Russell to go home and I know all the Jeff fans disagree with me so I want to make one thing clear. I do not necessarily want what's best for Jeff right now. Right now my focus is on Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. I think no matter who Jeff chooses to send home, he's in BIG trouble next week. The truth is he can't trust a single one of them and he's succeeded in turning himself into the biggest target this house has seen. That may annoy all you Jeff fans out there, but it's the truth. So yes, I want Russell gone and I'd like to see Jeff and Jordan on the block next week. I'd like Jeff to win the veto and for Jordan to finally get evicted. There is no room for her in this game anymore. She's a waste of space and the more she eats, the more space she wastes. That's where my head is at right now.

Finally we get nominations and no surprises: Ragamuffin and Fabulicious are nominated. I'm scared for them. I think one of them MUST win the veto because I do not, under any circumstances, trust Jeff to completely follow through with his "Backdoor Russell" plan. He flips so much and he always ends up back with his original Final 4. It's frustrating and I need this week to finally put a hiccup in his go to backup plan.

Everything was relatively calm after the nomination ceremony and the HG's starting cooking up some dinner. Jordan made Chima's muffins she left behind eating most of the batter before it even got in the oven. Precious princess Jordan is looking sloppy and her ass is growing by the day. Her hair never looks pretty anymore and her costume now is a t-shirt and shorts. She used to be so lovely. Not anymore.

Jordan, Natalie, and Kevin sit down at the table for dinner and Jordan proceeds to once again spill all her secrets... with her mouth full of food I might add. Natalie and Kevin are totally playing her trying to make her more and more suspicious of Russell. Jordan brings up how Russell is furious Natalie beat him in the Have-Not competition. She says Russ gets really mad if you mention you beat him in something. Jordan says how Russell always brings up the fact that Kevin won money as a reason for him to go home. Jordan says, and I'll admit she made me laugh, "You won money too Motherfucker!" LOL. Motherfucker? The girl rarely swears and when she does she pulls out a "motherfucker"? Nice. Kevin tells her his target has been Russell since Day 1. Natalie says her target was always Lydia, but now it's Michele. Jordan says her target was Jessie.

Jordan says that if Russ wins HOH she thinks he'd go after her and Kevin. Natalie says, "You know Russ and Jessie are good friends right?" Jordan says, "Yeah even though he called Jessie a douchebag." Natalie asks Jordan how they all knew to evict Jessie when the Coup D'Etat was used. Jordan says that she had run hypotheticals with Jeff and that they were always after Jessie. Kevin tells Jordan, "If this does work (i.e. backdooring Russell), I do appreciate it."

Meanwhile outside guess what Jeff is talking about? Backpacking across Europe! Ha! I totally guessed that he had done that yesterday in my blog post. I actually had no idea it was a fact. I'm so psychic it's scary. Who wants a reading? I should get my own Lifetime show like Lisa Williams.

This next little tidbit comes to you courtesy of BB11_Unleashed. I received a tweet this morning informing me that Jeff told Jordan that Michele had taken a nap in the HOH. Apparently, she hasn't take a shower in 3 days and the whole house smells like B.O.. All together now... Ewwwwwwwwwwww! Luckily, I had already captured this photo of Michele shaving her nasty pits and I think it works well with this paragraph. By the way, I love it when you guys tweet me Michele-isms. It's impossible for me to catch everything so I greatly appreciate the tips.

After I vomitted from hearing about Michele's stank ass, Jeff and Jordan talked about how Russell needs to go home this week or they are in BIG trouble next week. The plan is get Russ out now and Kevin out next. It looks like they really do want Ragamuffin in the Final 3 with them.

Outiside, Russell and Ass Licker are entertaining paranoia and discussing how something is definitely up with Jeff and Jordan. Why would they know this? Oh I don't know maybe because Jordan is a big mouth and can't hide her emotions well at all. Jordan has been bitchy to Russell all week and if she thinks that doesn't have repercussions for her she's greatly mistaken.

Back in the HOH the Boring Twins are playing cards and continuing not to have any sexy time. They discuss the upcoming veto and next week's HOH. Jeff proposes that if he or Jordan win POV they should bribe Kevin or Natalie. They'll say "We'll take you off the block, but you have to promise not to nominate us next week." Good thinking. Too bad they're thinking of making a deal with hardcore players who'll lie to get whatever they want. You can NEVER put your faith in someone in this game. Never! Anyhow, they continue to flip flop until the wee hours of the morning and will continue to flip flop until the POV cermony. I'm certain of it.

Back outside Michele is farting in front of Russell. Completely factual statement that is. I'm not making it up I swear. She tells Russell she's going to go to Confession when she gets out of the house and that she's not going to apologize for her farts anymore. Way to class up the joint Ass Licker!

So that's where we are. Nothing too intense. No real exciting drama. No tables flipped. No insults yelled. Sooooooooo boring.

Yesterday while watching the vastly superior BBUK eviction I heard a phrase that tickled my no-no. The phrase was "hairy pickle" and I put a challenge out to all my Twitter followers to use "hairy pickle" in a sentence. Drumroll please...

The winner is kdbarnes! This perverted little lady tweeted the beautiful phrase, "It made me gag when Lydia wiped the mayo off of Jessie's hairy pickle." Congratulations! Mr. O'Shaugnessy is dancing a little jig for you right now.

Thanks to all who submitted phrases. There were some definite funny ones out there, but none made me laugh as hard as I did with the winning phrase. I'll be having more moronic contests in the future so keep plugging away at it kids. The filthier, the ruder, the better!

One more thing I completely forgot to address yesterday. It has been announced that this season's Big Brother finale will be extended to 2 beautiful hours! It will be on September 15th and will feature a full cast reunion. How cool is that?!? It's very exciting I think.

Bookmark and Share

Friday, August 21, 2009

Jeffy Pooh's Masturbation Gallery

OK so I've been putting this off for week's now, but now that Jeffy Pooh is actually HOH I can't wait any longer. Here is the Jeff photo gallery that I (stupidly) promised you all. Enjoy!

Don't say I never did anything for you. I'll ease you in gently and end with a bang. I want to see millions of thank you's in my comments for this shit.

Here is Jeffy Pooh thinking. He looks so serious yet so smoking hot... (I'm totally being sarcastic. I'm going to act like a Jeffy Pooh fan for the rest of this torture.)

Jeffy Pooh in long sleeeves is just as dreamy as Jeffy Pooh in a tank.

Jeffy Pooh likes to stay in shape. He's so all American!

Here we see Jeffy Pooh and his tongue. Oh my! I wonder how skilled he is with it...

This one features Sporty Jeff kicking back and dreaming of all you ladies (and men). He's making love to every single one of you in his mind.

There's nothing like a tan man with a gold chain nestled in between in pecs!

And what pecs they are! The more to throw you around the bed with!

Jeff in profile. Check out that nipple! Who wants to tweak it?

Your no-no's are tingling right now, aren't they?

The best is yet to come ladies (and men).

He's looking right at you thinking up new sex moves in this one.

Enough with this teasing. Let's get to the money shots!

Ignore the Ass Licker in this one. I told you she was always trying to sneak a peek.

You've all exploded haven't you?

Maybe Jeffy Pooh will loan you his towel to clean up with.

There you go. That's it. Was it good for you? Which one was your favorite?

It Smells Like Ass Or Like Jordan's Pits

OK so how cute was Heidi last night? Anyone else think Tim is just becoming a caricature of himself at this point? What the hell is a tweaker doing on the show? Anyone who breaks down in the first few minutes from stress should not be there. I did find the irony of Lindsay trashing a Samantha Ronson look alike to be kind of funny. Samantha has Lindsay by the short and curlies and finally Lindsay was able to fight back... if only in theory. Oh wait... this isn't a Project Runway blog is it? Dammit! You mean I have to talk about that travesty that happened last night on Big Brother? Well, fucking hell. That's no fun.

It was a cold and cloudy day in California. The locusts have ravaged the countryside. Threats of a typhoon loomed over Studio City. Sandstorms blew through downtown Los Angeles. The tiny grains of sand feeling like miniature bullets ... that didn't happen either, did it? Ughhh. I don't even know where to begin.

Lydia went home and I'm not happy. That stupid roley poley cunt Jordan didn't use the veto and now she's dead to me. I will give her credit for winning POV. She did very well in that competition, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd like to see her go into a Diabetic coma from too much cookie dough. I would LOVE for Russell to win HOH next week and put Jeff and Jordan on the block with Jordan going home. Who the hell keeps a strong physical threat in the game this close to the end? Kevin and Natalie can't win anything physical! Sure, I'm rooting for Kevin and Natalie BUT Russell has said he knows he can't win against Jeff or Jordan. If I was Jeff or Jordan that would be a HUGE red flag that I need to eliminate this person from the game. I truly believe they fucked up big time last night. They've both already ganged up on Russell and we know Russell doesn't forget a damn thing. You look at him wrong and he'll use it to get you out the next week. Jeff and Jordan may be sitting pretty this week, but I think next week will be their demise. Jeff won't be able to play in HOH and Jordan won't win it unless Jeff throws it to her.

So yes, if you haven't heard, Jeff won HOH and I shoved a fire place poker in my eye. It's still there. I didn't bother to pull it out. I mean, why bother? Jordan is safe another week and I really have no reason to see out of two eyes. I'll just sit here and get tetanus and begin to decay and smell of gangrene. I'm the worst loser. I admit it. I kick and scream and throw tantrums and that's what makes me so damn lovable. The feeds were also major fuckers last night. I think the feed master is a Kevin fan and took it out on us feed watchers. We only saw maybe 30 seconds of the competition and I managed to get the screenshot above and I have no other footage than that. From what I can gather Kevin lost by 1 can. 1 CAN! *weeps uncontrollably*

The chat hags went into a simultaneous hot flash and all they could type was "WOOHOO!" over and over and over again. I was forced to pull out my menopausal chat hag voodoo dolls and curse them all with shingles and rickets. I threw in a little Irritable Bowel Syndrome just for kicks. I want those bitches on the toilet and itching. For a week I'll be forced to listen to... "Jeff and Jordan are so cute!", "He loves her so much!", "Jordan is so precious. I wish I had a daughter like her.", "Isn't Jordan so cute? You have to love her!" No, I don't have to love her. I hate her. She gives public schools a bad name. Yesterday before the live show she was playing a game with Jeff and she didn't know what the Louvre was! How can you not know what the Louvre is? How is this not common knowledge? She couldn't guess that a light bulb was something you screw in (she said nails) and she's just so fucking STUPID! I can't deal with it anymore. Seriously, she drives me crazy. I'm going to be brutal with her. Prepare yourselves.

After the HOH, we learned that Michele and Russell are now Have-Not's. I have no idea why or how that fit into the HOH, but they are and they can both suck it as far as I'm concerned. Natalie and Kevin keep to themselves and they started stealth whispering making it impossible to hear anything. Natalie says she'll lay low until ater the nominations and not make a fuss. My first thought was, "Ragamuffin think of a lie... quick!" Her super lying powers are desperately needed right now. It's so easy to convince Jeff that something is amiss and Jordan is already suspicious of Russell and Michele. Ragamuffin needs to pull something great out of her ass and put it into motion. You can do it Ragamuffin. I have faith in you.

Kevin and Natalie plan on approaching Jeff and Jordan to pitch a Final 4 deal. They would be IDOTS not to take it. Russell and Michele are good in competitions. Kevin and Natalie are crap. Jeff could easily dominate them and sail into the Final 2. If he keeps Russell and Michele, he's got an intense uphill battle ahead of him. It is in his best interest to team up with Kevin and Natalie. If he doesn't team up with them, then I hope Russell and Michele evict his ass (and his tubby little sidekick too) and Russ wins the whole damn game. This is such a nondecision in my eyes. It's just common sense to take the weak through to the final endurance comp. Jeff taking Michele and Russell all the way to the final endurance comp will be the biggest mistake of his life. Mark my words.

We ended up waiting FOREVER for Jeff to get his HOH room. I imagine Big Brother had quite a task cleaning up after Jordan. There were probably chocolate chips embedded in the carpet, crumbs in the bed, cookie dough finger prints all over the frames, cheetoh cheesey handprints on the walls, and whipped cream lining the bathtub. They had to use an army of cleaning ladies to make the room sanitary enough to prevent the cockroaches from settling in.

Jeff finally gets his room and it's just sweet I guess. It's so obvious Big Brother favors him. He got Dolce & Gabbana cologne, Axe body spray, deodorant (are they trying to give him a hint?), his cross from home that he didn't really want cuz he didn't want to lose it, drawings from his nieces, some weird pickled vegetable thing that might be called Jordenair or something like that, vitamin water, cheese, vodka sauce, pasta, wine, COOKIE DOUGH, a fishing hat, some scarves his grandma knitted for him, holy water ("The power of Christ compels you!"), and Bob Marley's Legend CD. Jeff thinks all the deodorant stuff is really for Jordon. Apparently, Jordan has a little issue with body odor. I knew it. She's always sniffing her pits. It's disgusting. Jeff told her she was smelling ripe the other day. LMAO. She needs the power of a man's deodorant I guess. Ok, ummm, holy water? What the fuck? I'm going to have to look up EXORCIST quotes all week because that's just too good to pass up.

Jeff's letter was super short and sounded like it was written to a 12 year old boy. His family is very proud of him and they tell him to stay strong. They gather together every week to watch him on CBS and when they watch him it reminds them of when they would watch him play football. They tell him he's a winner and that someone he knows pooped out a kid. The end. Jeff says that if the letter was any longer he would have cried.

Jordan then goes on and on about how Jeff now looks nothing like Jeff in the pictures. He's lost a little weight and Jordan won't shut the fuck up about it. She can't believe the Jeff in the photos is really him. She thinks he has an evil twin. It really begins to border on rude and I'm not the only one who thought that. Jeff told her to cut it out and you can tell he became a little self conscious. It was at that moment that I envisioned Jordan at a Jeff family function. She'd say moronic stupid things and embarrass Jeff in front of all his friends and family. I think he cares for her, but I really don't see any strong future romantic relationship coming out of this. He likes her and all that, but I think the fact that she's an idiot really bugs him. When they were playing their games earlier it's obvious Jeff went backpacking across Europe after college (so did I!). He's world traveled and can appreciate everything that new places and cultures have to offer. Jordan is nowhere near him mentally and coudn't appreciate the Mona Lisa if it sat on her face. Maybe they'll date for a little bit, but it will not go anywhere beyond that. Jeff needs someone to inspire him and Jordan isn't the least bit inspirational.

Here's the clip (Thanks Shea!). Please to enjoy:

After the HOH reveal Michele is all up on Jeff's jock. She's totally in love with him. Sure, she's worried about her safety but I think the Ass Licker has definitely had a Jeff fantasy or two. She keeps telling him how cute he is in his pictures, but how he's MUCH cuter now. You can tell Jeff just thinks she's weird and mumbles out a thanks.

Natalie spends the rest of the night trashing Lydia and thanking Jeff and Jordan for keeping her. She's tells them that she's loyal, but she knows eventually she'll have to duke it out with them. Outside Michele talks about how much she smells. Ewww. What the hell is up with all these bitches having odor issues? This is such a pet peeve of mine. I once broke up with someone because they stank. I met this person in late winter and come summer time I was history. I didn't have the balls to tell them they stank so I cheated on them instead and made sure to get caught. I thought it was too rude to tell someone to their face that they had odor issues and in my twisted mind cheating was an easier way out. LMAO. I'm such a bitch. I know it. I own it. So yeah Michele stinks and even says at one point last night, "It smells like ass over here... yesss!" (thank you NCSoxFan79!)

There wasn't too much game talk last night, but Kevin did ask Jeff if he was going to be nominated. Jeff told him he has big plans for his nominations. Oh dear god... please Jeff, please do what Lala wants you to do. I promise I'll be semi nice to Jordan if you nominate Michele and Russ. Jeff tells him that he wants everyone to come up to the HOH and talk to him. Jordan tells Kevin how Russell keeps bringing up the fact the he won money as a reason for him to go home. Natlalie chimes in saying that Russell has won the exact same amount of money as Kevin.

Later Russ tells Michele what a kiss ass Natalie is and Michele immediately runs to the HOH to tell Jeff that Russell is scared of going on the block. Jeff tells her to shut up. She leaves after kissing his ass some more and goes back down to Russell to report everything. Russell is super paranoid and my no-no began to slightly tingle. The Leprechaun Protection Services have returned Mr. O'Shaughnessy on the condition that I don't punch him anymore so I've chained him up outside next to a bowl of water. He should be fine. It's only going to be 95 degrees today. His little wool suit won't be too bothersome for him.

The night ends with Jeff and Jordan in the HOH. Jeff is going to need that holy water because he tells Jordan that he's nominating Natalie and Kevin. He'll entertain the idea of backdooring Russell, but POV is going to be very important. Jordan tells him that she'll quit the POV if it has anything to do with riddles. Jeff gets pissed off saying he hates losers and does she want to get to the Final 2 or not? He's banking on her and he needs her to try and not give up. He hates negativity and says he never wants to hear her talking like that again. Then he smacks her around and kicks her out of the room. Ok so maybe I made up that last part. These two are just sooooooooooo boring. Lord knows how I'm going to make this week funny.

Well I'm ending this here. I've got somewhere to be and I'm just getting more angry the more I type. I know I promised you guys a Jeff photo gallery and you'll be getting it today. I'm sick of having his stupid pictures on my computer so this afternoon I'll give all you ladies (and men) lots of masturbation material. The guy does nothing for me, but you all can knock yourselves out and have some fun naughty time.

I'm still waiting on the HOH reveal footage and as soon I get it, I'll send out a tweet.

Have a good day everyone! Death to Jeff and Jordan!

Bookmark and Share

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I Hate All These Bitches


Yesterday was a day of ups and downs, as well as, mania and depression. To call the house bipolar is an understatement. I, too, had my own highs and lows cheering the HG's on and then mentally stabbing them with a steak knife. There's nothing worse than getting your hopes up and then having them all dashed by an indecisive inhaler of cookie dough. The victim: an innocent pink haired emotionally inept superhero. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with Russell and Michele trashing Jeff. Remember that sentence because it'll be important later. Russ says and I quote, "Jeff and Jordan are too fucking dumb." Sure, he's right, but why the fuck is he confiding in the Ass Licker? Michele begins to bitch about Natalie and her phone call and she's stammering and chewing her face so much that I can't figure out for the life of me what the hell her point is. Michele then goes on to bring up how Natalie mentioned that she needs the prize money because she loses a lot gambling. Hello? McFly? Doesn't this clue you in to her real age? Can it be more obvious that this chick is NOT 18? Russ and Michele talk about how Natalie is definitely playing the game and they think it's in their best interest to get rid of her.

Their discussion turns to Lydia where Russ says she's acting like an idiot and doesn't have the "young charming quality" that Natalie does. OK. That made me laugh that Russ thinks the Ragamuffin is charming. He says that Lydia has nothing going for her at all and isn't good at challenges. She's already pissed off Jeff and Jordan so keeping her another week is no big deal. They want to have a meeting with Jeff and Jordan to discuss how they should all evict Natalie this week. Russell says, "If Jordan tells me 'I'm paranoid', I'm gonna kill her." Michele says she was worried that Jordan was part of Chima's girl alliance. Ass Licker makes no sense. She's lying right now and about something stupid. Anyhow, she goes on about how's there is "stupid tension" in their alliance of 4 and they need to have a meeting to straighten things out.

Why does everyone always want to have a fucking meeting? Meetings in the house this season are notoriously bad and the big meeting coming later is no different. It doesn't help that everyone in the house is a fucking idiot and that when they all gather in the same room the amount of idiocy rises to uncontrollable levels. God, I hate these people.

Jordan, Queen Of The Idiots, locks BOTH of her keys in the HOH and I begin to wonder how often she locks them in her car in the real world. You know she's had to beg passersby to help her get into her car on numerous occasions. While Jordan is stuffing her face with a roast duck or a rack of lamb, Natalie is updating Kevin on her conversation with Jeff from the night before. She tells Kevin that she promised J/J (Jeff and Jordan) that she'd nominate Lydia and Kevin before she ever nominated J/J. She tells Kevin she lied to them and has no intention to turn against Kevin and Lydia. She says that she's only playing for herself/Kevin/Lydia and that her target is Russell. Kevin tells her how J/J told him they wanted Natalie out. The fact that J/J keep flipping is catching up to them and making them look bad. Natalie decides to put Jeff up if she ever wins HOH. Great move on her part. I know it pisses all of you off, but it's a smart move for her to make.

Jordan then disappears for literally 2 hours to write her blog. I'm thinking the spell check took fucking forever. She got her HOH camera and everyone particiapted in the picture taking merriment. Russ played around with Lydia and pulled her into the pool with her full Captain Unitard attire on. Lydia was a good sport and posed for the camera repeatedly while jumping in the pool. I was waiting for Jordan to tweet, but her blog used up the last of her precious brain marble juice and she didn't tweet until late last night. When she finally did, I wasn't disappointed. Grammatical errors, misspelled words, stupid rambling, but the most offensive part of her Twitter experience was when she told us all to "Be GUCCIE!" *sigh* Guccie? Jordan, precious, I'm not familiar with Guccie. I don't think Tom Ford ever designed for Guccie. A gay friend called what Jordan did, "an unforgivable, agressive, homophobic assault!" LOL. I'm inclined to agree. You do not misspell your designers! You just don't. Betsey Johnson has 2 E's and Lacroix has an X not an S. This is common knowledge! In my beautiful fanciful world this shit is COMMON KNOWLEDGE!

After my horror subsided, Jordan has a mini meeting with Michele in the HOH. She proceeds to tell Michele how she wants to split up Kevin and Lydia and bring Natalie into the fold. Why not just read Michele your fucking diary Jordan? Why does she insist on telling everybody every single thing she's ever thought about in this whole damn game? I am beyond frustrated with pretty pretty princess Jordan. She makes me want to punch things with her idiocy and I'm a lover not a fighter. Jordan then goes to take a shower in marshmallow fluff and lemonade and Michele lingers oddly in the HOH bathroom. Has anybody else ever noticed how whenever someone showers in the HOH bathroom, Michele is always there lingering? I'm thinking she's totally peeking. It never fails that when someone is naked behind that glass shower door, Michele is never more than 3 feet away. Perv.

Michele is quickly becoming the new house weasel. Her entire day was spent going back and forth from group to group sharing everybody's secrets. The chat hags have completely turned on her at this point. There is no live feed chat love for Michele. I really wanted to say "I told you so" because I've hated her since Day 1, but I took the higher road and flicked them all off from the safety of my own home instead. Ok, so yeah, I may have stuck my tongue out at them all as well, but I did it with an air of maturity. I swear.

Jeff and Michele begin to talk about all things Russell and Michele tells him some weird story about how Russell wanted to work out with Jeff in order to get inside his head. He wanted to outwork Jeff or something and humiliate him so he woudn't be able to last long in an endurance comp. I have no idea what the fuck this means. It makes zero sense, but Michele doesn't hesitate passing it on to Jeff. Jeff tells Michele that if Russ is after him then he's no longer a part of his team. If he was part of the team, his energy would be focussed on getting out someone on the other side. Jeff says, "He's not an ally of mine. It makes no sense to keep him."

Michele says they all need to get together and have a meeting, but this idea scares Jordan who's now out of the shower and smelling like sugary goodness. Jordan thinks it will just end in a fight and the precious pony doesn't want a fight. Jeff agrees with her and then he tells Michele all about his new plan with Natalie. Fucking idiot. He's got Jordan disease now. He's telling Michele all his secrets and I just threw my hands up and gave up on the both of them. How hard is it to keep a fucking secret? Natalie may be annoying and dirty and she may drool and snarl a lot, but she can lie and she can keep a secret. She doesn't have diarrhea of the mouth like Jeff and Jordan. Jeff then starts to get angry. He wonders why Michele is so buddy buddy with the one guy who voted to keep Jessie in the house. That vote Russell cast infuriates Jeff to no end and rightly so. Jeff tells Michele that Russ is using her just like he used Ronnie. He gloms onto someone smart to take him a step further and then he gets rid of them when he has no more use for them.

Jordan takes a break from dipping spaghetti noodles into chocolate pudding and asks what they should do if Russell wins POV. Jordan, YOU ARE THE HOH! Makes some fucking decisions of your own! YOU tell THEM what to do! Not the other way around. Grrrrrrrrr... *kicks Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the nose* See what you made me do? An innocent leprechaun is crying right now because you are so stupid Jordan. Jeff says they vote out Lydia if Russ wins and then they pull Kevin in the fold. If Russell doesnt' win POV, then they put him on the block. Jeff says they can't swing Lydia, but maybe they can swing Kevin. Jeff says he's not stupid and he understands the other side is desperate and down on numbers, but he's also not stupid for knowing that Russ is after him. Jeffy Pooh, you are stupid. I'm sorry, but you are.

Jeff goes on and on about Russ and how he can't believe he's giving up on a free ride to the Final 4. He says how weird Russ is looking at himself in the mirror all the time and how he stares at Jeff when Jeff is working out. Michele tries to join in by saying how Russ watches her sleep, but she's just stupid and awkward and I shoot her with my toy gun.

Finally, Russ comes up to the HOH and the big meeting is on. Jeff is determined to get some answers. He's going to call out Russell and Michele if he has to. He's going to kick ass and take names. This is it. This is Jeff's moment. We all sat up a little straighter waiting to see what he would do. Jeff questions Russ and Jordan curls up into the fetal position refusing to look in Russell's direction. Russ says he gave his word to Jessie and that's why he voted to keep him. Jeff says he doesn't understand that at all. He SAVED Russell. Russell should have the decency to vote how Jeff would like. Russ should be kissing Jeff's ass. Russ says he gave Jessie his word like he gave Casey his word and his word is all he's got or some shit like that. This bullshit conversation literally goes on and on and on and they keep talking in circles. Michele just sits there shoving items from Jordan's HOH basket up her ass not saying a word.

Russ asks Jordan if she's ok and she spews something about being on her period. He asks her if there's anything she wants to ask him and she mumbles something about hearing how he wants to get Jeff out next week. At this point everyone in the chats is screaming for Russ to swear on his dad. That's the one thing Russ can do to get into Jeff's heart and gain his trust. Stupid really. I'd swear on whatever I needed to stay in the house. Swearing on something doesn't mean shit to me. It's just words. If that's all it took to manipulate someone, then I'd swear on shit all day long.

Russell switches gears and starts to throw Natalie under the bus. He thinks she was an "Athlete" because she's a ranked professional poker player. LMAO. Poker is her sport. AHAHAHA!!! Idiot. Apparently, if you enter a poker tournament you're ranked. Kind of like if you enter an MMA fight you're suddenly "professional". Pot meet kettle. Michele barfs up an old butt plug and says, "Isn't Natalie like a karate kid or something?" Jeff doens't buy the poker connection either and could care less if she's ranked or not. Russ keeps pushing it thinking it something important they need to be wary of and Jeff just tells Russ he's reading way too much into it. Russell says, "But she's ranked!" Jeff replies, "Who cares?" Again, I have to ask how an 18 year old can be a ranked poker player?

The conversation continues to go in circles and circles and they begin repeating themselves over and over again. Jeff questions the Jessie vote, Russ denies going after Jeff, Michele tries to lick her eyeballs, and Jordan dips cheetohs into cream cheese. It's neverending. When it finally ends Jeff and Jordan look at each other more confused than when it started. Nothing got accomplished! They still don't know who to believe and they conveniently forgot to call Michele out. You know what this means, don't you? Another fucking meeting.

Russ and Michele are outside talking and Russell is totally confused as to why Jeff is mad at him. He's stunned and confused and he knows the meeting didn't go well at all. What does Michele do? She chews her face. If you think I'm making this shit up just look at the above photo. I'm waiting for the day she finally swallows her tongue and dies.

Jordan puts down her vat of maple syrup long enough to march outside and start demanding answers. She goes up to Russell and tells him that all the information she's received about Russ wanting to evict Jeff next week doesn't come from the other side of the house. It comes from Michele. Dun dun DUN! Jordan's talk with Natalie last night had nothing to do with the future of the game. They were just rehashing the game up until now. Jordan says, "Why should I keep you if you want to get rid of us?" Russell denies ever saying such things and Jordan names Michele again and retells the weird convo about Russ wanting to get inside Jeff's head while they work out. Russ continues to deny everything and Jordan says, "Well someone is lying! Its either you or Michele."

Russ gets up and marches half way across the yard. Jeff is sitting on the washer completely on the other side and it just strikes me as funny how they dive into a conversation where they essentially yell at one another from across the backyard. Russell gets all defensive and blames everything on the other side of the house. Jordan gets a little ballsy and shouts, "The other side hasn't said anything! It was Michele!" I almost like her at that moment. If she started speaking up for herself like that all the time then I might be nice to her more often. Russ denies it and, by this time, Michele has made her way outside. All attention is now on her and I bit my fist in anticipation.

Jordan asks Michele to confirm that she's the one who has been saying all the stuff about Russell wanting Jeff and Jordan out of the game. Michele, true to form, mumbles, "I don't remember. It was late at night!" AHAHAHA! She didn't just say that, did she? Oh yes, my dear readers, she did. The clouds parted, the angels sang 'PYT Pretty Young Thing' this time, and Mr. O'Shaugnessy went to work. I LOVE it when Michele gets confronted. She truly is magical in her ability to stammer and stumble and tell the truth yet look absolutely certifiably insane and guilty at the same time. Russell says, "Why is it whenever someone confronts you you can't remember and it's late at night?" LOL Michele says, "I don't remember exactly, but you have been saying shit and it's not been cool." At this point, I'm literally in a fit of giggles clutching my sides. Russ tells Michele that he's trying really hard not to yell at her. He turns to Jeff and Jordan and says, "Jeff I'm not trying to put you up. Jordan I'm not trying to put you up. " He tells them he sensed some weirdness on their end and he thought they were turning on him.

Jeff goes inside to get the others. What this conversation needs is a Ragamuffin! Natalie comes out and Jeff questions her in front of everyone. Natalie points to Russell and says, "I overheard you telling Michele that you wanted Jeff out." What do you think happens then? You'll never guess. MICHELE BACKS HER UP! It was beautiful. Michele validates everything Natalie says and, in turn, makes Natalie look like an innocent butterfly. She flutters away and now it's Kevin's turn.

Sensing all things fabulous, Kevin comes out and says he heard that Russell was going after Jeff. Russell demands to know what time of day this all happened. He's screaming at Michele for not knowing the time. Kevin goes back inside and he and Natalie are ecstatic. They look at each other and say, "This is so awesome!" They proceed to jump and down and celebrate and high five and hug and do little dances. I have to admit I tore my bra off and threw it in the air like Mary Tyler Moore did with her hat.

I poured myself a glass of Pinot Noir and layed back on my chaise lounge topless enjoying the beauty that is Michele and Russell's demise. I played a few songs on my harp and sprinkled fairy dust in my hair. I checked back in on the BY and Russ was admitting that he said he wanted to go after Jeff when they got to final 4. He said he has no chance of winning against Jeff in the final 4 and that he's just trying to play the game. Jeff starts to yell at Michele for communicating the information wrong and I whipped out my opium pipe. Sweet sweet victory. Michele is going down. Let's drop acid or something... maybe some ecstasy... this calls for a celebration.

Jeff continues to yell at Michele and Michele blames everything on the stress of being in the house and not being able to sleep. Jeff says, "Oh come on Michele! This doesn't make you look good!" I then decide that 2 hits of ecstacy should be sufficient... and I pour myself another glass of wine. I rip my pants off and dance around the room naked while Mr. O'Shaugnessy plays his bagpipe. You haven't lived until you've heard Mr. O'Shaughnessy play Olivia Newton John's Greatest Hits on a bagpipe.

I check back in on the feeds and see that Jeff is still yelling at Michele and I'm at peace. He's telling her that she hasn't told him anything that Russell hasn't already admitted to. She mistakenly told Jeff that Russ wanted him out next week when in fact Russ was talking about the final four. Now, I'm not sure if that's true. My head can only keep so many millions of useless facts straight, but who cares? Michele is geting attacked and looking like a fool and I'm feeling groovy.

I lie back enjoying the sweet smelling fumes of the opium. A lazy smile is on my face and I'm just about to close my eyes and ride my own melt when it happens.... THOSE BITCHES IN THE BACKYARD ARE HUGGING AND SMILING! What?!? What in the name of all that is holy is going on here? Why are Russ and Jeff hugging and laughing? Why is Michele not on the verge of tears anymore? Oh my god.... I. Hate. These. Bitches.

They've actually managed to squash everything and they all swear on their family members that they'll go to the final four together. *smashes wine glass on the floor and kicks Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the groin* What the fuck? Jeff and Jordan are way too forgiving. Whatever happened to holding a grudge? Someone cuts me off in traffic and I curse their families and wish they get scabies. Doesn't everyone else think like that? You don't go around forgiving people willy nilly. That's just silly.

Michele bitches a little more about being mad at Russell and I really want to kick her head for, you know, existing. Jeff tells Jordan not to tell the other side of the house that they've resolved things. And then it happens. They all agree to evict Crazy Town. Lydia is now their target. What in the goddamn fuckery is this all about? Apparently, she's hard to control, tight with Kevin, and wants to leave anyways. But but but... those aren't good reasons! At this point my head is exploding and Mr. O'Shaugnessy is dead. Russell eventually goes inside and Jeff turns to Michele and says, "Our final 3 deal still stands." Oh go fall of a cliff Jeff. I hate you and your goodness.

Here are the clips of whole fuckery. It's so long it's in 2 parts. Please to enjoy:

I spend the rest of the night pouting and breaking things. BB is in a celebratory mood (their precious Russell is safe) so they give the HG's a badminton set and a tie dye kit. Lydia hijacks the tie dye and turns into a bossy 3 year old. She's loud and telling everyone what to do and with the help of the astute tweeter Cfahooligan I realize she's deep in the throes of mania. What everyone witnessed last night in Lydia was an honest to goodness manic attack. She wasn't acting like a brat on purpose. She couldn't help it. Did BB forget to give her her lithium or something? Her mood swings are scary obvious. Just look for her to yell out completely inapproporiate things and you know she's gone manic.

At one point Lydia and Natalie are half joking around about Jessie and Lydia says, "At least we know I can make him cum with my hands." LOL I laughed, but everyone else was horrified. She got her baby voice on and wouldn't let anyone else touch the tie dye until they did what she said. How can anyone evict someone so deranged? She's fun for me. She entertains me. Don't let them take you away Lydia! I'm completely confused as to who to root for to win the POV tonight. I don't want Kevin to go and I think Natalie kind of deserves to be there at this point. That just leaves my precious Lydia. I'll miss you Crazy Town. I defended you when no one else would. I stood up for you when people called you a slut. I cheered you on week after week much to the dismay of my readers. I will miss you lovely Lydia. You brought me such joy. I bid you adieu. Be well and prosper. Go have fun with Jessie. I weep a single solitary tear for you like Demi Moore in GHOST. We'll talk movies and music when you get into the real world. Tweet me bitch! *waves goodbye*

I'm sad.

Not sad enough not to give a special shout out to Shirley from Reebok! Shirley, my dear, don't be jealous of your sister's fabulosity. You too can be fabulous if you really really want to! I have just blessed you with my fabulicious wand and I want you to go forth and have a great birthday weekend. Thanks for your support! Much love, Lala

I just checked out (my favorite go to update site) and there were some mini rumblings late last night about backdooring Russell. Now, I don't know if it will amount to anything, but I've given Mr. O'Shaugnessy CPR and we'll be waiting patiently to see if anything happens. Fingers crossed.

Bookmark and Share

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Straight From The Racists Mouth

Our favorite racist has just sent out a tweet linking to this article entitled Big Brother's Chima Simone Addresses Eviction and Racism. She apologizes for calling Russell a terrorist and my only thought is, "What took you so long?" Now I want my apology for you calling us all bitches and inferior. How long do I have to wait for that one Chima?

The article is posted on and here's what Chima had to say:

"Upon recently leaving the Big Brother show this season I have been privy to many judgments and criticisms made of every aspect of my being ranging from things as trivial as my appearance to more egregious comments referring to me as a racist.

As a woman of color, I have experienced racism first hand. I know what it is to be discriminated against so I would never want to inflict that pain onto someone else. I will, however, always stand up for myself. Many of you perceive my resolute candor objectionable, but I have always been outspoken and will remain so. I will never apologize for my looks, personality, or straightforwardness.

Nonetheless, I am particularly sorry that my words disparaged the regard and respect that should be shown to all cultures, especially the Middle Eastern community in this time of great turmoil within our nations. In describing Russell’s abusive, bullying, and threatening actions towards me and other houseguests, I referred to him as a terrorist. I used a phrase that was insensitive given his Middle Eastern descent and I apologize to all who are justifiably offended with my use of that racially charged term.

My sentiments concerning his behavior, however, remain intact. I do not agree with his antagonistic rampages throughout the house. Russell constantly demoralized many of us on a consistent basis and his conduct was alarming, daunting, and terrifying.

Fortunately, for me, I do not have to be subjected to those tirades anymore. I am going on with my life in the real world. I wish the remaining BB housemates the best of luck!


Chima Simone "

So that's it. What do you guys think? Do you think she's genuine? I don't. I think she's trying desperately to save face in the middle of a shit storm she singlehandedly created. I think her apology is a nonapology at best. I'll bet her grandmother yelled at her and forced her to apologize. I'm only hoping she spanked her as well.

Is It A Gun Or A Beer?

Before we get to anything that happened yesterday, we have to discuss that CBS show last night. Was that the greatest Tuesday night show ever or what? It turns out Chima, jokers, justtvnuts, etc were all WRONG. They lied! There was no kicking and screaming on Chima's part to get out of the house. Instead, we were blessed with, "No need to sit down, you can walk right out." AHAHAHA! Smartest thing Alison has done all season long. And that montage of all of Chima's bitching? OMG how genius was that? I wish I could have seen Chima's face last night when she watched how awful she behaved. You know she was mortified. All of her tweets switched from being about BB to being about things in the real world. Coward. Spineless, racist, obnoxious coward.

That HOH comp was pretty good too. Russell is totally on my shit list now for acting the way he did to Natalie. Now I know a bunch of you are rolling your eyes right now, but let me give you a hypothetical. Let's say Russell made those crying comments to Jordan. How many of you would be furious? Well, hypocradar beeping loud and clear for those of you who'd get mad if it was Jordan, but could care less if it was Natalie. Russell was an asshole plain and simple. Jeff was very sweet to give HOH to Jordan, but Jordan is still an idiot who can't win anything on her own. My darling Lydia was a train wreck and she made me laugh all over again. I was a little peeved I didn't get to see her tip over the table though. I was so looking forward to it. That Captain Unitard edit in the DR was hysterical. Overall, CBS did a good job last night. I was pleased.

A CONGRATULATIONS goes out to these fine bitches: Kara, kdb112, and Ed! Yay! You won the Michele Twitter Contest. My favorite tweet was, of course, "I love getting dirty in the competitions!". You guys know me too well. More on Michele's fithy ass to come.

Mr. Paranoid, Russell, had the nerve to tell Michele yesterday morning that Kevin should go on the block because he's already won money. Ummm dickbag, YOU won money too! Russell continues foaming at the mouth by listing his credentials for Michele. He claims he's the best BB player in the house and that, as a result, he has a huge target on his back. No one else having won 2 HOH's (he counts the very first one as a win) and a POV would last nearly as long as he has in the house. Michele just nods and licks her face in response and chimes in by trashing Jeff. She says that last night Jeff made a comment to her about going to get his Colt 45. She tells Russell that Jeff was referring to a gun and now she's all freaked out by Jeff. First off, the comment makes zero sense. Secondly, if Jeff did mention Colt 45 I'm pretty sure he was talking about the beer and not the gun. This Colt 45 thing Michele fabricated out of thin air will continue to be a point of contention throughout the day.

Michele continues to pick her nose and eat it and tells Russell how her strategy in the game was to be the swing vote. She talking about how great she is and I've gotta be honest... I completely tuned her out. It gets harder and harder for me to listen to the Ass Licker as each day passes. Every time she laughs that awkward self conscious laugh of hers my precious fairies begin to topple over dead and I get mad. Fairy killer! She spends the rest of the morning sitting in front of the memory wall studying the faces for the Morphing Comp she thinks is coming up. Her hair was pulled back in a stringy ponytail, her butt nose was sneering by itself, and her ugly purple hoody was begging to be washed. It was a nauseating vision.

The Ragamuffin got her phone call home and it sounded very sweet. If there is one thing that makes Ragamuffin human it's her dad. The second she heard his voice she started crying and it sounds like her dad was crying too. She wasn't allowed to talk anything game related or else her phone call would have been cut off. Her dad tells her he watches the feeds all the time and her boyfriend's sister goes over to his house a lot to watch them with him. The feeds have brought her family and her boyfriends family closer together. Her dad is taking care of her bills for her while she's gone and his job, which suffered from the economy, seems to be improving. He tells her to makes good decisions and she tells him it's been a rough week for her. Afterwards, Ragamuffin was very happy and almost seemed human.

This brings me to Jordan's dumb thought of the day. Jordan had no idea what the World Trade Center was prior to 9/11. When she heard the planes crashed into it she wondered if there was a World Trade Center in Charlotte too. She was very knowledgable about the fact that the Mormon chick from the Real World slept through her alarm and missed her flight which was one of the flights that hit the WTC. I have one thing to say to Jordan: Turn off the MTV and pick up a book you idiot. It's scary how stupid you are. I really don't know how you function day to day with that limited amount of knowledge in your head.

Then we get my highlight of the day. Michele is losing her damn mind. She goes up to the HOH and starts crying and talking to herself. She says, "So fucking hard... so fucking paranoid." She climbs into bed and covers herself up with the comforter just lying there trying to quiet the voices. She's twitching and fidgeting with her eyes moving back and forth. It was beautiful! I know I'm evil for loving this, but I can't help it. When Michele goes nuts, Mr. O'Shaugnessy tickles my no-no and I happen to like it when he does that so Michele going nuts brings me nothing but pleasure... hot leprechaun pleasure. Eventually Big Brother interrupts my fun time and calls Michele to the DR. It's time for her Thorazine drip I guess. Her Electric Shock Therapy has been charging all morning and it's all juiced up and ready to zap.

She exits the DR, goes back up to the HOH, and starts crying all over again. Yes, Mr. O'Shaugnessy right there... that's the spot. I'm counting the minutes until Michele ends up smearing lipstick all over her face like this lady in WILD AT HEART:

Michele is living up to all the accusations she's received. People don't just randomly call someone crazy. I imagine being in that house with her, having to listen to her and witness her fidgeting up close would be a terribly traumatic experience for anyone. It's no surprise to me that every single person in that house thinks she's off her rocker. What really tweaks my nipples though is that all of the chat hags, who used to LOVE Michele, now can't stand her. She's talking bad about Jeff and that's all it takes to makes an army of menopausal enemies. Michele is obsessing over Jeff probably thinking he wants to shoot her or some shit like that so she asks him for a conference in the HOH.

Michele shoves her fist up her ass and then launches into a weird nonsensical monologue about Jeff talking about Colt 45. Jeff just stands there staring at her likes she's completely nuts. He has NO idea what the hell she's talking about. He didn't say anything about Colt 45. He says, "Is that what you're upset about?" He knows it's a beer and that's about it. Michele tells him how he must have wanted to shoot her because that's what the voices in her head are telling her. Ok Sybil. Whatever you say. Jeff calms her down and says that he's cool with her (although after this I woudn't be surpirsed if he really did want to shoot her) and that he, Jordan, and Michele are a solid threesome. Michele isn't listening. She's gnawing on her lips and trying to lick her eyeballs again. She says that now is the perfect time for someone to evict her and she's scared. From your mouth to god's ears Ass Licker. Jeff tells her she's paranoid for thinking everyone is after her (no she's not) and that she has nothing to worry about (yes she does). Michele seems satisfied with that and immediately launches into trashing Russell.

Jeff patiently listens to her, but he's really looking for a quick escape route out of that room. He wonders if he can leap to the door fast enough for Michele to trip over the fist in her ass. He checks the room for windows and then curses himself for forgetting that there are no windows in BB. He wonders if the bathtub drain is large enough to transport him downstairs. After all Jordan always looks like she's getting sucked down it whenever she's in the tub. Maybe, just maybe, Jeff can escape through it and wade through shit and piss to safety much like Andy Dufresne in SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. Jeff might as well be in Shawshank. Prison life makes people crazy and having to live with Michele in such close quarters is making him crazy too. He waits for Michele to switch fists and then he does it. He runs to the door and escapes relatively unharmed. Michele is left to her own fists and proceeds to wander the house alone muttering to herself.

Let's switch gears a little bit and actually get to some game talk. Ragamuffin is paranoid that the POV will be canceled and that she won't have a chance to take herself off the block. Obviously, she's not going to win anyways, but that's just between you and I. She tells Kevin that if BB cancels her POV then she's going to throw a fit during Thursday's show. The chatters immediately started comparing to her to Chima, but I, on the other hand, could actually see where she was coming from. If I was in the house and I was on the block (which I no doubt would be every week because I'm awesomely annoying) I'd be LIVID if I thought I wouldn't have the opportunity to save myself. Who wouldn't? It turns out Natalie's paranoia is all for naught and during a promo which aired last night after the live show, BB announced that the POV will be live on Thursday.

This is going to be very interesting. Let's say Kevin wins the POV, who will Jordan put up? She'll have to make a decision super quick and Jeff won't be able to tell her what to do. Jeff, this was the worst week possible for you to throw HOH to Jordan. This idiot is going to be expected to make a rational decision very quickly and I just don't think she's up to the challenge. If Natalie wins POV, will she put up Kevin or Russell? That's the thing I'm most nervous about. What if Jordan puts Kevin on the block and he ends up going home? Oh. My. God. Someone will have to die for that egregious violation on humanity. I might have to make my unicorn stab Mr. O'Shaugnessy over and over again. Jordan will be forever on my very long list of hate if she eliminates Kevin.

OR let's say Natalie comes off the block and Russell goes up. The vote could end up being a tie because Jeff is so fucking wishy-washy. In a tiebreaker, would Jordan send Lydia home and ruin my summer fun? Oh dear. Nothing good can come out of Jordan having to make a quick decision. I'll only be happy if Russell or Michele leaves. I could live with it if Natalie goes, but if Kevin or Lydia goes I'm going to start strangling kittens and squashing frogs.

The stress must be getting to Jordan to because as soon as she realized that the POV could be live she morphed into crabby bitchy Jordan. It doesn't help that Jordan is riding the crimson wave either. Jordo turns into a nightmare when she's on the rag. That's the one and only thing she and I have in common and I blame her for my miserable cramps yesterday. Yes, Jordan, it's all your fault I had to pop muscle relaxant after muscle relaxant and morph into Jenny from SIXTEEN CANDLES. Remember the older sister who took too many muscle relaxants and felt like her face was melting through her wedding? Well, that was me yesterday. I even went up to a lady on the street wearing a crazy hat and said, "Love the teapot."

Interestingly enough, the HG's were able to leave Jessie goodbye messages and from the sound of it, Lydia's wasn't very nice. She said something about sarcastically hoping Dae Yum Yum was keeping him company and that she's pissed he lied to her. Natalie's wasn't very loving either. The Manbeast has lost his harem I guess.

Again Michele and Russell sit outside and bitch about all things Jeff and Jordan. Russell is ferociously kissing Michele's ass saying that together they are the smartest and most athletic BB duo ever. Michele snorts and punches herself in the face and nods in agreement. Big Brother gave the house some alcohol last night and I shit you not when I say Michele raised her wine glass and said, "Cheers to BUTT PLUGS!" It happened. I swear to god. I tweeted it immediately and I laughed and laughed. Just one drop of alcohol in Michele and she morphs into an anal loving freak. If you guys want me to stop talking about Michele's love of butthole pleasures, then you're going to have to petition BB and tell them to stop giving the HG's alcohol. It's as simple as that. I just report the facts (sometimes) and as a seasoned journalist (or pretentious blogger), it's my duty to stick to the truth (or a derivation thereof).

Michele is almost drunk after 3 sips and she begins to bitch about Ronnie again. Russell tells her that Ronnie was jealous of her smarts and athleticism. Michele nods furiously and spills wine down the front of her hidoeus blue dress. Russell is super paranoid that Jeff and Jordan are inside with Ragamuffin and Crazy Town. He says, "Hurry up and get out here so I don't have to worry about you."

The HG's all decide to play a nice game of Bullshit with the entire house. Jordan wrapped in her blanket (I have no idea why but she wears it all the time and it makes her look like she's carrying twins) bares her fangs and says everyone can go fuck themselves because she needs a Midol. Ragamuffin offers her some Naproxen and a heating pad. Jordan bites her hand, takes it, and runs upstairs to moan into a pillow in much the same way I did last night. Jeff follows her upstairs and promises to join the game later, but not before trying on Lydia's goggles and making Kevin swoon.

When Kevin sees Jeff in his goggles, he falls in love. He tells Jeff that he looks like a true superhero and Lydia says, "Gee thanks Kevin."

Upstairs Jordan is in her own personal female hell. She's miserable and snapping Jeff's head off whenever she can. Jordan is paranoid about Russell and scared to death about having to think on her feet and make a quick decision on Thursday. She doesn't know what to do or how people are going to vote. Her cramps feel like someone is taking an egg beater to her insides... oh wait, that could be what I'm thinking. Anyhow, Jeff tells her she's not thinking clearly and she's super crabby right now. Jeff reprimands her for bonding too much the Ragamuffin and Crazy Town. Jordan says she just hates Russell right now. She thinks he's coming after her and Jeff next week and she just wants to avoid him at all costs. Jeff tells her that Russell asked him why Jordan was being so weird. Jordan says, "Really?" Jeff tells her that he blamed it on her period and that Jordan should blame everything on her period too.

Jordan continues to snap at Jeff and he says, "See how you're talking to me?" He's offended, but goes on to tell Jordan Michele's wacky Colt 45 story anwyays. He thinks she's nuts because he never said a thing about Colt 45.

Later Michele joins Jeff and Jordan in the HOH and Jordan tells her that she thinks Russell is lying to her. She thinks Russell is using Michele and will drop her before the Final 2. Michele disagrees and tells her that Russell thinks everyone in the house hates her and that she's the only he can win against. Nice Michele. Tell Jeff and Jordan that you have a Final 2 deal with Russell. That's really fucking smart. They both talk about how it will be hard to win against Kevin and that's when I shoot an innocent puppy. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. It's the muscle relaxants. They made me do it. Michele tells Jordan how she was getting a weird vibe from her all day and that she cried about it. She says that bitch Lala has been laughing at me all day and it's making me crazy. Jordan says, "I know. She makes fun of me all the time too." Then they both plan my death and kiss and make up.

I missed a lot of the late night stuff because I was drunk on pills and had to sleep. From what I can gather Russell got mad at Natalie for beating him in Poker and Natalie warns Jordan that Russell is coming after Jeff next. She thinks she may leave this week and Jeff and Jordan ask her why when they control the votes. She tells them that she wants to stay and how she doesn't like Michele and Russell at all. Jeff accuses her of having a deal with Russ and Natalie says she can't stand him. Jeff asks her if she's willing to put up Lydia if she has HOH. Natalie agrees and makes a deal to put Lydia on the block before Jeff and Jordan. Nat tells them that she has no deals with anyone in the house right now. She's all alone and actually that's true. I think she'd turn on Lydia in a heartbeat to stay in the game.

Jordan tells Natalie that she was initially scared of her but that now she likes her. Jeff says he must be living on Planet Idiot for saving Russell last week. Natalie reconfirms to them how Russell wants to go to the Final 2 with Michele and my world begins to look a little brighter. Just when I think Natalie or Kevin may be in serious jeopardy, Jeff and Jordan flip flop yet again. I'm sure they'll flip flop 20 more times before Thursday. These two can't make a decision to save their lives. They spend the next 2 hours not making a decision in the HOH room. No two people on the planet are more wishy washy than this duo. Finally, the night ended with them agreeing to backdoor Russell if he doesn't win POV and they continue not giving in to the sexual tension between them. Jeff wants to fool around and Jordan just won't give in. She doesn't have to pork him or anything. She can kiss him and let him touch her boobies or something. Throw the poor boy a bone Jordan.

Super special shout out to Laura (not Crosby) and her broken ankle. Thank you so much for your lovely email and I hope you're enjoying those pain pills. I'll take a flexeril in your honor today. LOL

Mel, thank you. I'm all about girl crushes. Hot.

Bookmark and Share