Saturday, August 7, 2010

You Can Pay My Penalty Baby

As a child little Rachel Reilly was a handful. Her family wasn't poor, but they definitely weren't rich. They lived in a comfortable planned community in North Carolina where Rachel could skip rocks on the lake and torture frogs by the light of the moon. Yes, Rachel was one of those kids. She had an insatiable hunger for seeing living things squirm and writhe in pain and, as a result, her family could never have a pet. Just ask poor Sprinkles. Sprinkles was the family cat who worked hard to avoid the buck-toothed auburn haired child. Whenever Rachel came into a room Sprinkles would dart under couches or leap up on top of bookcases. The first time Rachel yanked on Sprinkles' tail, he chalked it up to an unfortunate accident and decided to give the loquacious child another chance. But when Rachel decided to hang Sprinkles in a netted laundry bag above the family's backyard firepit, he decided this child could not only not be trusted, but that perhaps a good old fashioned institution that featured Electric Shock Therapy just might be a better idea. Fortunately, Sprinkles survived the firepit incident. It was Rachel's older sister who'd rescued the frightened pussy cat. Yes, Sprinkles was a survivor. He managed to escape the medieval torture chamber made of the kitchen knives her mother had ordered off of tv and the underwater bag with cinder blocks attached. Fortunately for Sprinkles, a percocious 10 yr old isn't exactly the best engineer or the most conscientious of inventors. No, it wasn't any of Rachel's "experiments" that claimed the poor kitty's life. It was Rachel herself. One day at dinner when the family was going over Rachel's report card, her father had shouted at her in anger over the D she brought home in English. He took away her chemistry sets, her beakers, and the construction paper lab manuals she had made. Rachel sat tight lipped searching her brain for the perfect form of retribution. It just so happened that in that moment Sprinkles had lazily walked by the child's feet brushing his furry tail on her leg. Without even a second thought, Rachel reached down, grabbed the stunned cat by the neck, took her knife and fork out and ate the poor kitty's paws one by one. Needless to say, a pawless cat isn't really a cat at all. It's kind of a moaning whimpering stuffed animal of sorts. They tried prosthetics for poor Sprinkles, but nothing worked. His life was miserable; lying on his back, stumps in the air. That's not the way for a cat to live. So, one day, Sprinkles managed to wriggle his way over to the venetian blinds in the family room. He stuck his head in between the strings and jerked down hard. It was a cat suicide that claimed poor Sprinkles' life. To this day, in the dark of night, Rachel can still hear the teeny tiny meows of Sprinkles off in the distance somewhere. When she hears the familiar sounds she just stops and stares. Thin-lipped and wide-eyed she stares as if possessed. *shivers* Let's recap, shall we?

It's nomination day bitches and if all goes well the evil duo that is Brendon and Rachel will be on the block and their terrifying torturous love affair will finally be over. The plan is to get rid of Rachel this week. Yes! She's too strong in quizzes and chances are that next week's HOH might be a quiz and a double eviciton. Big ole dumb goofy Brendon will be much less of a threat if that happens. Since the house is planning on keeping Brendon, the Brigade begins to plot their move for next week. They decide that since Brendon already seems to like Enzo, he'll be the one to get on Brendon's good side and form a partnership with him. Maybe they'll even include Hayden on the deal so when next week arrives and Brendon happens to win HOH he'll probably nominate a Brigade member and Kathy with Kathy being the one to go home. It's not really a bad idea as it also lulls Brendon into feeling somewhat safer thinking he has an alliance.

So, the morning progresses and Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are trying to get a little face time with Matt. This shouldn't be that difficult a task, but with the rest of the house protecting Matt from being alone with Brenchel it's proving to be quite the challenge. Finally, Rachel spies Matt and Ragan sitting alone in the Cabana Room. She approaches and says she wants to talk to Mat. Ragan, out of sheer terror at having to listen to Rachel defend herself for however many minutes, decides to get up and walk away. He very politely excuses himself when Rachel snarls and drools and says, "Why are you leaving? You guys are a pair anyways." *snarl, snort, snarl* Ragan, having an aversion to snarls and ass breath, turns back around and let's Rachel have it. He's not in a partnership with Matt!(yes, he is) He's not in a duo! (yes, he is) He's not in a pair like she is with Bitch Boy! (yes, he is) He hoots and hollers something fierce so Rachel hoots and hollers back. Brendon, in the kitchen cooking a giant vat of olive oil with some sprigs of basil, hears the commotion, drops his apron, and runs to protect his fair maiden. He starts yelling at Ragan, Ragan's still yelling at Rachel, and Rachel is trying to control the drool escaping from her fangs. Matt just sat back and chuckled while Britney was in the other room making the "they're cuckoo" motion with her fingers.

It was a dumb argument with dumb people. It had nothing to do with Bitch Boy whatsoever, but he begins to cry and tinkle in his pants if his red headed harlot is annoyed is in any way so of course he had to jump in. Ultimately, Rachel starts fake crying and apologizing to Ragan. She didn't mean it, she's sorry, she considers Ragan her friend yadda yadda yadda. Ragan just nods and walks away. In the end Rachel got her 5 minutes with Matt which was spent, inexplicably, blaming Kristen for everything that's gone wrong. The lovely Kristen has left the building yet Rachel's obsession remains. She tells Matt that Kristen threw everyone under the bus last week, pitched a four person alliance, and, at the same time, threw Hayden under the bus. I think she blamed a suicide bombing in Pakistan on Kristen as well, but I can't be sure.

The Feeds go down and feedsters assumed it was nomination time. No, my dear readers, it was Pandora's Box time! Matt went into the HOH and was confronted with Pandora's Box. Apparently, there was a briefcase with a note saying that if Matt chose to open Pandora's Box there was a chance he could win great wealth and also unleash something on the house. He decides to open the box and inside was a dollar... one lonely dollar. And that was it. Nothing else. No little people running around, no barber shop quartet, no money raining from the sky... just one measly dollar.

OK so Matt goes outside and tells the other HG's what went down. Immediately, Bitch Boy doesn't believe him. He thinks Matt probably won $25,000 and is lying about the whole dollar thing. He could be right, but there actually was a dollar sitting up in the HOH room. I doubt BB delivered $25,000 big ones all in singles. Ragan thinks something good for the house will come out of it all and that's when I knew. Ragan has accepted the job of the new Mr. Salvatore. There was something in Ragan that changed in that moment. Not only was he wearing sunglasses indoors, but he was soothing the HG's with his talk that they'll all get prizes out of this.

After a hectic morning of avoiding Brenchel and making a dollar, Matt finally gets to make his nominations. Gather round bitches and get your glitter ready. It is with great pleasure that I announce that BRENDON AND RACHEL ARE UP FOR EVICTION!!! *throws glitter in the air* You're all invited to my place for gin and Smartfood popcorn. It's not wine and cheese... it's better. It's tangy, it melts on your tongue, and you can lick the white cheddar goodness off your fingers. Nudity is required and there will be jugglers and fire eaters for your entertainment. Creme Tangerine will perform a burlesque show. Quote Man will grill burgers in the backyard. James Bond will sit in a corner and fondle his banjo for everyone. ubetboy will recite some beat poetry for the ladies. crazycatlady will unleash her pussy for you to pet. Sausage Fingers will pleasure ladies in the back room with his, uh, sausage fingers and Alli will be offering ointment and therapy for after the party ends. It'll be a Bitchy celebration with all the twisted and perverted Bitchy Blog readers. Someone will leave pregnant (Deion's number is 555-DADA) and some might not survive the night. It's a risk I'm willing to take.

So yeah Big Red is on the block and, for some reason, she's not feeling the same glee I am. She's wandering around tight-lipped clenching her fists and muttering to herself how stupid Matt is. Watching it from home was pure heaven. The munchkins came out and sang, we blew bubbles together and strung together leis of daisies to wear in our hair. Fairies fluttered, the clouds parted, Farrah peeked out, smiled her winning smile, and waved. It was bliss... pure crystal bliss. I'm pretty sure that whenever Rachel is mad, babies are born and terrorists die. It's like her anger fuels an inner goodness in the universe that begins to reverse all the wrongs. Rare indigenous plant life that can cure Lupus is discovered in the Amazon, great white sharks in Australia suddenly decide they're no longer hungry for people, and a cable channel is invented that shows nothing by Coyote Ugly and Little Darlings on a constant loop. The Earth breathes a sigh of relief and everything is, in that moment, OK.

While we all enjoy the pleasures of a mad Rachel, Rachel herself is having a very different experience. She's in the kitchen violently chopping up a cucumber - Bad cucumber! She's hurling lettuce into a bowl while her scared boyfriend prepares an olive oil dressing with a pinch of pepper. The couple takes their salad feast and retreats to the Cabana Room to enjoy it all alone. Rachel stabs the Romaine repeatedly. What the hell did Romaine lettuce ever do to you Rachel?! It's been nothing but fabulous to me. I enjoy it in Casear salads and sometimes on a turkey sandwich. Never in my life has Romaine done me wrong to deserve being stabbed by a greasy dirty loud mouthed wench like yourself. Chill the fuck out bitch. She doesn't hear me so I sat at home and girded my loins. If she ever breaks free from that house and comes across a Ginsu knife I know I'm in trouble. She's formulating a list of whom to kill. First on the list - Me. Second, Kristen. Third, every other pretty girl on the planet. I've been invited to the Big Brother Vegas Bash, but let's just say that despite my current woes I'd still like to live a long healthy life. Having Ass Licker, me, and Hyena Fuckface all in one place probably won't end well. There'd be a lot hair pulling and ovary punching and I'm a lover not a fighter. So, no, I'm not going to Vegas.

The 2010 Romaine Massacre comes to an end and Rachel begins to cry. *giggles* At least, I think she's crying. I can't really tell anymore. She's lying down with her legs spread wearing a outfit that belongs at a Renaissance Faire while Brendon lies on top of her and kisses her face. She moans about not having any friends in the house and America probably thinking she's a bitch because of her DR's (yup!). Bitch Boy calms her down by telling her that if she wins the money she can pay the penalty on his Grad student apt. and they can move in together. So romantic Bitch Boy!

Hyena Fuckface kept bitching because I'm convinced she's entered a "Bitch and Moan" contest that we're not aware of and the excitement over nominations begins to wane, that is, until Mr. Salvatore decided to make an appearance. Yup! It was very exciting. Mr. Salvatore came on the screen and feedsters were actually able to watch it all. He delivered a message saying that since Matt opened Pandora's Box, he unleashed a new saboteur on the house. He said something about cruising his way to the $500,000 and then as soon as he appeared, he was gone. Enzo immediately got pissed. He doesn't really care for the whole saboteur thing. Britney guessed that America probably voted for who the new person would be and Brendon sat pouting as he came to the realization that the house would not be raining money this time around. Seriously, he sat there with his arms crossed and said, "So I guess we're not getting any money." Oh shut up you greedy fuck.

Now Ragan was the funniest of all. He sat with his knees up to his chest and he was all red and wide-eyed. At first he didn't say anything and then I think he realized that silence was tantamount to guilt. He then started to say that he thinks Mr. Salvatore must have some great power that can affect the game. Well, that got Rachel's attention. She's hoping that somehow she and her subservient bitch will be saved. Dream on Greasy!

The Mr. Salvatore talk continues into the night and Enzo is absolutely flummoxed as to why anyone would even accept the job. Hayden wonders the incentive might be. As a group they decide it's either cash or power. Eventually, Rachel gets her head back into the game and she decides then and there that she will win POV and she and Brendon will stay in the house. OK Warty. We'll see...

So, what do you guys think of nominations? Did you rip your clothes off and fondle yourselves? Do Brenchel have a chance in hell both surviving the week? Will Mr. Salvatore somehow affect the nominations? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Time To Make Amends

Dear Nature,

It's safe now. It's safe to bloom, it's safe to frolic, it's safe to hop and forage and nestle and fly. Come out fair butterflies. Run free young chipmunks. Dive without fear majestic dolphins. The greasy mean old witch can't hurt you anymore. Her reign of hate and jealousy is done. You can once again live and reproduce free from fear and loathing. The big bad beak-nosed lady who reeks of self-hatred and tequila has retreated. She's gone to lick her wounds. Sure, she'll get herpes on her tongue and her breath will smell like Ragan's pungent farts, but that's ok. It's all ok now. It's a time to smile, dance, and be free.

The joy welling up inside me this morning is unparalleled. It's like that scene in Footloose when Reverend Shaw Moore tells the kids they can finally have their dance. The Bonnie Tyler music swells, Kevin Bacon and Lori Singer are bursting with giddiness that they can hardly contain themselves, and I get that tingle in my stomach that tells me it's time to dance. "There's a time to laugh, a time to weep, and there is... a time to dance!" That time is now. Grab your gin and glitter bitches. We've got a new HOH and his name isn't Brendon. Oh yeah! Let's recap, shall we?

We bid adieu to fair Kristen who played with dignity and grace. It was she who gave us our first real fight. She stood up for what she believed in and she never backed down. I wish you all the best in whatever you do Kristen. Holla at your girl when you get a chance. Back in the house Hyena Fuckface thought she had this whole thing all wrapped up. Brendon would win HOH and their reign of terror would continue. She even urinated all over the HOH toilet seat marking it as hers and no one else's. Uh, not so fast, Crisco face. Grab your cheap trashy wardrobe and make yourself at home DOWNSTAIRS. I've had about enough of you ruining the show I so dearly love.

The live show ended with yet another endurance competition. It took forever for the Feeds to return and when they did Kathy, Enzo, and Lane had already fallen with Kathy being this week's only Have-Not. I have no idea if Enzo or Lane threw the competition, but if they did, I'm gonna be pissed. I'm so sick of those two going out of their way NOT to play the game. It's kind of gross they've gotten this far by telling jokes and working out. I can understand laying low and not causing any waves, but I can't understand not playing and planning your day around events that'll take up the most time. Did you know that Lane takes showers, not because he necessarily needs one, but to waste 40 minutes? That's how these two think: what's the fastest/easiest way to get to Thursday and throw another competition?

Back in the HOH comp, there was only one thing on my mind: "Fall Brendon, fall!" I had made all the preparations in advance. I had my curry powder, cumin, red pepper flakes, hemlock, and belladonna. That's my "Fall Brendon Fall" recipe and my Lala's Knock You On Your Ass Curry Chicken recipe. So versatile and sooooo tasty! I boiled it all in a pot, added some cat fur (because Brendon is a pussy), and chanted the magical phrase in Ancient Enochian. Translated it goes something like this: Brendon I hate you and your nasty old crone/please trip and fall so we can send the bitch home. It's not Tennyson, but it'll do. I found a quiet corner to meditate in and I began to put all the lessons I learned in The Secret to use. I visualized Brendon slipping on paint and falling straight on his head. I imagined Rachel looking on in shocked horror. The palor of stunned realization creeping over her face. They'd both whimper and whine as their dreams of being Final 2 trotted off in the distance. With eyes closed and a contented look on my face, I began to smile because I knew... I just knew that my dreams would come true.

Happy in my serenity I checked back in on the Feeds. I glared at that paint can whirling round and round. I saw Britney, Matt, Ragan, and Hayden. The can whirled faster and faster and I counted again and again. 1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4... I exhaled calmly, sat back in my purple velvet chaise lounge, looked up to the sky, and in a daze I undid my top. Without a word spoken I rose again stoic and strong. With my right hand I grabbed a handful of glitter from one of the many bowls surrounding me. With my left I held my bra overhead and began to twirl. *throws glitter* BRENDON FELL!!!! *twirls bra* WOOHOO!!! BITCH BOY IS DONE!!!!!!!!! *chugs some gin* DING DONG THE BITCH IS GONE!!!! Merriment ensued. Satyrs seduced me. Fairies fluttered in my hair. Keebler Elves baked me cookies and poured me shot after shot. It was Bacchanalian. It was Dionysian. Gods swooned, elixirs were imbibed, robes lay in tatters on the floor... pure unadultered decadence. Satisfaction personified in a single moment.

I took another look at my computer screen and saw Rachel... lips clenched in a tiny yet firm line. dirty hair hanging limply down her back, and the realization of imminent failure creeping across her face. If I could only bottle that moment. I'd sell it to all the ugly girls who thought they were hot. I'd FedEx a gallon to Ass Licker and include a note with my sincerest regards.

While Rachel was livid and I was loving life, Bitch Boy paced back and forth muttering to himself. He cursed the competition for being rigged for people with small feet to win. He cried aloud about how the comp was unfair. He whined and moaned and I almost felt sorry for the guy. He wasn't upset about losing. He was scared to death his bitch harlot girlfriend was gonna roast his nuts for dinner. I mean, let's face it, that's really what was going on. While Bitch Boy groveled, Rachel sat stone faced. While Bitch Boy apologized, Rachel shot daggers with her eyes. It was chilling to witness. I think my ovaries folded in on themselves and vanished into tiny pufs of smoke. Children are no longer an option for me because I dared to stare into the eyes of the beast.

Like all Endurance comps this season, we're left, yet again, with Ragan and Matt. I wanted Matt to do the right thing and fall. I'm sick of seeing the same ole HOH's over and over again. I want new pictures and new letters and new gift baskets, but no, I never get my way. Ragan and Matt discuss how next week could be a mental challenge so they decide that Ragan should drop so he'll still be able to play in it. Oh please. *exasperated sigh* The day Ragan ever becomes HOH is the day I have a tail and can fly. So yeah *yawn* Matt is our new HOH.

The entire house is content and it's like they all breathed a sigh of relief at once. The entire energy in the house shifted in that very instance. Hyena Fuckface and her bitch were no longer the big men on campus. The Brigade and Britney spread their legs and got comfortable as they reclaimed the house for themselves. Kathy stayed supine and Ragan decided to take a moment to grieve... and hide from Rachel.

Ragan went to the Have-Not room to be alone and mourn his lost pal Kristen. He lay silent with memories of his unitarded friend when suddenly the door opened and the beast walked in. Rachel is a lot like a beast - her nose is powerful and can sniff out prey better than any Beagle or Wendigo can. I'm pretty sure she'd be able to live in the wild with no problems at all. It's not even like she'd really have to use her powerful nose to survive. All she'd have to do speak and the poor innocent furry woodland creatures would be rendered helpless. So, anyhow, Rachel enters and she wants to kiss ass and talk game. Ragan is so not in the mood so instead he lectures her on what a class act Kristen was and how Andrew's speech was basically a speech of lies. Rachel nodded and began to scrunch up her face. I couldn't figure out what she was doing until she started to sputter like a broken speedboat. Rachel was crying... or rather, she was fake crying. She lamented about how hard it is in this game and how she doesn't like having to evict people yadda yadda yadda. Oh shut up you stupid cunt. You were thrilled to get rid of Kristen. Your hatred for her was vile and intense all because it stemmed from your hatred for yourself. No one, especially not Ragan, is buying the bullshit you're serving up now.

Rachel continues to "cry" - seriously, there were NO tears just a lot of posturing - and Ragan just sighs and assures her he's still her friend. The best part was when Ragan essentially kicked her out. He tells her that he wants to "be alone with his thoughts" and eventually the hideous beast leaves. A few minutes later Matt enters and Ragan tells him how Rachel was fake crying and kissing his ass. Ragan is not looking forward to this week at all. He knows Brenchel is going to be on his ass 24/7 so he decides to spend the week in groups of people to lessen he chances of being cornered. Personally, I think it's going to be a challenge for the professional napper. Seriously, Ragan naps about 18 times a day.

Ragan and Matt begin to talk about the week ahead. So far, Matt is planning is to make amends to me by nominating both Brendon and Rachel. Ragan tells him that he should say something in his nomination speech about good sportsmanship. Matt thinks he'll just say that Brenchel are strong and keep winning challenges and that it's scary to have them in the game together. Bo-ring! Matt is such a chicken shit. He's really the most spineless person in this game. Hell, even Kathy has the balls to vote how she wants. Matt's a tiny ugly dwarf man who's too scared to get any blood on his hands. The Matt fans out there will whoop and cheer next Thursday when Brendon or Rachel goes home and they'll claim their little gremlin made some major move. Uh no. No way. All he's doing this week is simply correcting a GIGANTIC mistake that was made 2 weeks ago. He deserves no adulation or parades for splitting up Brenchel. It was a house plan anyways. Nothing at all innovative about Matt being the one to do it.

Off in a room no one else will dare enter, Bitch Boy is busy still apologizing to Hyena Fuckface. He kisses her hands and her face and tells her how much he loves her. Rachel responds by sneering and kissing her $500,000 goodbye. Brendon actually says to her, "I don't believe in me. I believe in us." After I cleaned up the vomit on my keyboard, I just laughed and laughed. He's so douchetastic. Does he have romance novels in his board shorts that he pulls out and read quotes from? He tells her he wants to make breakfast for her every morning and dinner every night. He wants to watch movies with her and her dog. He wants to cut of his penis and hand deliver it to her wrapped in tissue and flowers. OK so maybe I made up that last part, but it might as well be true.

So, where does that leave us? We've got a midget for a HOH, a couple that may have to campaign against each other, and Pandora's Box ready to be opened. Oh, how the hell did Ragan win the Saboteur vote? Anyone else think that was really strange? Fascinating to see where America's head is at though. Quite honestly, I don't know if he'll take the Pepsi challenge. Ragan is the poster boy for risk management and I'm not sure the job of Mr. Salvatore is a risk he's willing to take.

So, will Matt grow some balls and give a killer speech? How hard will Rachel campaign against Brendon? Will Enzo ever do anything worthwhile in this game? Will Kristen ever read my blog? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hey HEY Heeeyyy!!!

What I'm about to do is the bravest thing anyone anywhere has ever done. I may not return from where I'm about to go or I may return slightly disshevelled and with a half a brain. I do not know. What I do know is that I do this for you, my lovely readers. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I'm nauseous, but I feel like this must be done. If I don't make it back, I thank you all. I thank you for visiting everyday. I thank you for commenting. I thank you for donating. I thank you for yelling at me and telling me to get a life. Thank you. *takes a deep breath* Now, it's time. Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to step into the alcohol and red dye saturated mind of one Miss Rachel Reilly. *plugs nose and jumps in* Let's recap, shall we?

Hey HEY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!! OMG you guys! VEGAS won Her seCOND HOH!!! It's SO CRaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaZY!!! I didn't think I was gonna win Y'all, but I pulled thru and did it for me and my man. That BITCH Kristen kept coming after me and I was like, "Uh whatever! Step off on Vegas beeeyotch!" LULZ No one comes between me and my man! YAY for meeeee!!! I'm soOOO Vegas!!

THis HOH was SO diffrent for me. I decided to make it all about POWER MOVES and sex. YAY! Whenever I drink I looooooooooove to have sex. Brendooooon gets on top of me and for like 3 WHOLE minutes we make some beautiful love y'all. Afterwards he cries and its' like SO cute. He keeeeeeeeeps me SO happy. Sometimes he says things that like make me mad and when he does that i like just stare at him because I no that if i say something i'm gonna bite off his head. He's learnign tho. He nose that you CAN'T STOP VEGAS y'all!!! Wut wut! Ohmigod are there like posters of me up in Las vegas now? they'll be changing there slogan to "Whatever happens in Rachel STAYS in Rachel" HAHA!

imma gonna get rid of ALL the floaters. GRAB YOUR LIFEVESTS - I made that up NOT janelle - cuz I'm coming after y'all! That bitch Kristen with her perfect body and perfect skin makes me SOoo crazy inside. I neeeeed to get her out of this house because I waNT to BE the LAST girl. I voted Annie out. I got rid of Monet and I'm now I'm sending that bitch Kristen home. DId you no she came up to MY room and tried to talk to MY man? Who the HELL does she think she is? Like my man woudl EVER want to be with HER! She doesn't have the oozy red suckers that I have on my hoo ha. Thats how we roll in Vegas y'all.

This week was all about me being SO feisty & fierce. My booboo Brendon told me that's what I am. Did you no that my man Brendon can make the most beautiful macaroni art? He MADE one of me getting mad at that BITCH Kristen and it was like sSO amazing. I put it up in the bathroom so I can look at it all the time cuz that's like where I am for like 5 hours a day. Big brotha shoudl relly get me some gas-x up in this hizzy yall. it's not liek i'm on slop or anything. maybe its the olive oil my man brendon uses to cook with. He's SUCH a good cook. Just yesterday he made stuffed peppers filled with taco meat and i don't no why but no one wanted to eat them. Theyre just jealous that my man brendon is SO creative. Maybe one day he'll paint using his own tears. Ther's like enuff of them to paint a ceiling or something. YAY!

SO hayden & kristen tried to make a deal with me and my man but I dont TRUST that BITCH so she's like going home tonite and it like totally sucks she cant even play good enuff to get to the jury house. i dont no why Hayden lieks her. Shes not even a good strong player like me and my man. So anyways they tried to make a deal with me and my man cuz there butts were on the line and their was KNOW WAY i was gonna take it. Im KNOW dummy. I no that their was know way theyd put up there friends and backstab Enzo or Lane. i tolled Hayden to make a deal with Britney and like HE DID. YIKES its scary how easy he can be controlled. I'm SO glad my man brendon isn't like that. So like Britney didn't use the veto - YAY - so now that BITCH kirsten is like campaigning against Hayden and she really needs to reread the BB manual or soemthing cuz like she literally sucks. How can you even go against someone you like in this game? my man brendon LOVES me. he's NEVER go against me or try to get me out. OBVI!!!

(Image via

Britney is like relly smart. She does everything i say and last night we took a bath together and it was SO awesome. We were talking about that BITCH kristen. We did mud masks and evrything! I didn't tell Britney they were made out of my poo. I had too much and I coudlnt' hide it in the toilets anymore so I had my man brendon whip up some poo, coffee, chocolate and mud and make me a mask. I dont' think he new we were gonna put the masks on our faces cuz as soon as he saw us he squealed. It was like SO cute. Just the other day he made a shirt out of tassles and pipe cleaners and it was like SO european. i'm sure europe is gonna call my man brendon and ask him to make shirts for them.

You no who else i relly don't like? Matt. I don't trust him. I tolled Britney that my man brendon is gonna put him on the block cuz he wouldn't make another deal with us and thats like shady. i thought he might be an alli for us but i'm pretty sure he's in an ALLIANCE with Ragan. I also don't like how Ragan wanted me to keep that bitch Kristen. You're either with me or against me. I just made that up yall. I'm SO vegas! I just no america is like "Go Vegas! We luv yOU!" LULZ I love you two you guys. It's like seriously literally SO hard in here. I'm like playing four you all and I can't wait to meat my fans HAHA.

This game is only gonna get harder and my man brendon and I r gonna like have to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. I really hope britney isn't like playing us like everyone else is in this game. Shes a good person to get infomation out of. she spies four us and tells us what those floaters lane and enzo are up to. i just really don't like floaters. If they don't swim their gonna like totally sink. i have the BEST one liners y'all! HAHA! I'm sure that like CBS is SO obsessed with me and my man Brendon.

(Image via

Yesterday I got my HOH camera and RAgan was like SO funny. I tolled him to put my extensions on cuz I want everyone in this house to no what it feels like to be ME - AWESOME!!! So he put on my extensions and it was like hilarious. I don't know why he was laughing all crazy and talkign weird tho. I'm like so not like that. LULZ!! I took videos of him too but it used up all the memory in the camera and I couldn't take any more pitchers. Oh well... I really don't care. Everyone else in this house is like totally after me and my man brendon so i don't want their faces in MY camera anyways. Oh my GOD you no what i love too do? I LOVE making kissy faces at the camera! HAHA! I really do it cuz my lips are kinda like a deformed big bird but i squench them up they look like SO sexy. HAHA

So the plan for this weeks is for my man Brendon to win the HOH. I'm gonna cheer for him SO much today. I say things like "Go Brendoooooooon! YOu can do it!!!". I think he likes it. He better like it. Then when he wins we're gonna nominate Matt and maybe kathy or ragan. i don't know yet. I really don't like the floaters like ragan and kathy, but i REALLY don't trust matt. basically the only person that'll be safe is Britney and maybe Enzo. My man brendon is becoming really good firends with Enzo. they sit outside and brendon talks to him for like hours. enzo closes his eyes and put his hat over his head when he's talking to brendon. I think he totally does it to really concentrate on what brendon is saying.

Soooo that's like literally all that's going on. I'm totally playing this game SO hard and FIGHTING every minute of every day. i don't even have time to take a shower or wash my hair cuz I'm ALWAYS fighting. If I stop to clean myself up then like people could start beating us or something. I think my poo mud mask and strategy baths with Britney are enuff to keep me fresh. Brendon doesn't care. He LOVES me. I totally know we're the next Jeff & Jordan. WuT! Wut! See ya'll on the Amazing Race!!! And I have to thank my family like SO much for sending me all the letters I wrote to myself before I left for Big Brother. I no i'm making you proud by having drunk sex with my BOYFRIEND every night. I'm SO blessed to be here and I really APPRICIATE your support - even my haters. HAHA!

So who do you guys think will win HOH tonight? Will you watch if Brendon wins? Do I have to watch if Brendon wins? Will you cry with me when Kristen leaves tonight? Will Strunk & White ever forgive me for what I've just done? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Here's Squirrelly!

As long as she continues to breathe, I continue to be pissed off. Every time her mouth opens the poor frightened wildlife run for cover and the eco system suffers. We've already talked about how the butterflies sizzle, but have we discussed how the squirrel population has turned deadly? Prior to BB12 the California Ground Squirrel's scariest enemy was the rattlesnake. Mr. Squirrel would be skittering about gathering his nuts, stealing bird seed, and whatnot when Mr. Rattlesnake would slither up and chomp on that squirrel's ass like the Ragamuffin chomps on toffee. It's not pretty. It's sad and miserable to watch. Ever since that thing Rachel landed in California the squirrel now has a new enemy. She doesn't outright bite or chew on squirrelly innards. No, what she does is much more evil. She opens her mouth and speaks. Mr. Squirrel hears it, cocks his head to the side, and marches back to his tree with a score to settle. His little furry squirrel family is all excited to see him when he returns. They chirp and cluck or make whatever noise it is a squirrel makes. Mr. Squirrel smiles at his loving family and then... oh god it's horrible... and then he bites off all their heads. It's like The Shining for rodents. Very disturbing. *sigh* That's the power she has though. Rachel Reilly has the "gift" to incite a murderous rage in all who hear her voice. Personally, I'm thinking about never leaving my house for the next 6 weeks. It's not safe out there. I'm not safe. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with Kristen, bless her heart, continuing her fearless efforts to say in the Big Brother house. She's trapped in a hot horrifying wig yet she marches on. She thinks she's beginning to sway people and if it weren't for that damn useless Brigade her efforts might actually be fruitful. One person she's kind of managed to sway is Ragan. Ragan's not stupid (sure, he's annoying and has diarrhea of the mouth, but I wouldn't call him stupid). He sees the guys and Britney hanging out all the time. He sees that they never mingle with the rest of the house. They're certainly not up in the HOH chatting with the devil twins so clearly, they must be in an alliance. The idea of 4 strong men in an alliance makes our little Ragan a tad nervous and rightly so. They have the numbers to vote him out when that day arrives when he's finally on the block. In an effort to thwart the Brigade using it's power in the future, Ragan decides to go to Rachel *shiver* and tries to get her to see what's right before her eyes.

Ragan is in the HOH telling Rachel that all she needs to do is go outside and take a look around. All of the house alliances will pretty much reveal themselves if she just does that one simple thing. He cautions that she should really think about all that sees before she decides who should stay in this game: Hayden or Kristen. He also warns by asking her, "Who's poised to win HOH next week?" Chances are it'll be someone new, someone physically fit, and someone strong. He's all but drawing a flow chart with giant Brigade heads and arrows pointing at them saying "These guys are TOGETHER. They WILL vote you out!".

How does Rachel react to this remarkably accurate information? She summons her Bitch Boy and tells him that he thinks Ragan and Matt will vote Kristen to stay just to fuck with her game. Everything is "me, me, me" with this ugly bitch. She's so jealous of Kristen that she can't even see what's right before her eyes: a house that hates her with a burning passion. Rachel decided then and there that she cannot trust Ragan anymore. God, she's an idiot. All the guy was doing was trying to warn her and give her some good advice, but fucking duck lipped Rachel can't handle the fact that Kristen is better than her in every way. How do you think Rachel decides to deal with the cornucopia of secrets that Ragan has given her? She decides to tell Hayden that Kristen is campaigning against him with a fierce vengeance. She wants Hayden to think that Kristen doesn't really care for him at all. No, you fucking moron. They care for each other. They're just not emotional wet mops like you and your herpified slave.

So some time passes and the HG's are laying out, working out, etc. Rachel falls asleep outside and Kristen sees this as her chance to finally talk to Brendon. She makes her way upstairs to the HOH and begins her pitch. She begins by telling Brendon that he needs to think for himself in this game. The time will come when Rachel isn't there and he needs to have a back-up plan ready to go. She tells him that keeping Hayden in the game is a huge risk on Brendon's part because Hayden has a built-in alliance with 4 strong guys. On the other hand, the only person Kristen really has is Kathy. Between the two, Hayden and his band of brothers are far more threatening than Kathy the Marlboro queen. It ends with Kristen promising she won't go after Brendon. Instead of absorbing this information and really thinking about it, Brendon dons some silk eye shades, sucks his thumb, and settles in for a cozy little nap. You're so hardcore Brendon.

After her talk with Brendon, Kristen once again meets with Ragan. She tells him she thinks the votes will be much closer than 6-1. She thinks they could be as close as 4-3. Ragan isn't so sure and asks her who she has already. Kristen says she has Kathy, Ragan, Britney and possibly Lane, Matt, or Brendon. Ragan tells her not to count on Lane at all. He hints to her about the Brigade yet again. In response, Kristen just doesn't understand how the house would vote to keep 4 strong men together. I don't either Kristen. I don't either.

Later, up in the HOH Brendon is recapping his meeting with Kristen to Rachel. Rachel is furious that Kristen went up to the HOH to talk with Bitch Boy alone. She's shrieking and shouting about Kristen being unbelievable when all Brendon is trying to do is get a word in edgewise. It was the single most insane conversation I've ever heard. Hyena simply refused to hear anything Brendon was trying to tell her. The conversation went something like this:

Bitch Boy: Kristen was up here talking to me.

Hyena Fuckface: She was trying to blow you?!?

B.B.: Nooooo *sucks thumb* she wanted to talk to me.

H.F.: She touched your winky?!?

B.B.: Noooo. She said that keeping Hayden is risky because he has a big strong man alliance.

H.F.: She called you a big strong man and wanted to dance?!? I'll kill her!!!

B.B.: *sigh* Nooooo. She said that all she has in the house is Kathy.

H.F.: She asked you to have a menage a trois with Kathy?!? I'm gonna poke her eyes out with scissors!!!

B.B.: She told me to play this game for me. *begins to braid Hyena Fuckface's hair*

H.F.: She told you masturbate in front of her?!? I swear to god I'm gonna rip her limb from limb!!!

B.B.: And then she sat on the bed...

H.F.: SHE DID WHAT?!? *head begins to spin around*

B.B.: *giggles* I'm just kidding. *guffaws*

H.F.: *whines* Brendooooooooooon

B.B: You're so feisty.

H.F.: I'm NOT jealous! *fangs hang out and drool drips down her face*

B.B. You're my feisty redhead. *coos*

H.F.: I TOLD YOU I'M NOT JEALOUS!!!!!! *spits on the wall*

B.B.: You're so cute.

H.F.: Brendoooooooooon

Then they fall on the bed and make out. It was really gross. I puked three times.

Well, I'm gonna have to end it here for today kids. Sorry this is so short, but I wanted to get something up. I've got some shit to do and the faster I get the hell that is my life in order, the faster I can blog like a normal person.

So, how do you think the votes will go? Will Britney vote to keep Kristen? Will Rachel ever wash her hair? Can the poor California Ground Squirrel survive the summer? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I AM Vegas!!!

(Image via

The storm clouds rolled in. They've been rolling in for a while now. We just never bothered to look up and take notice. The trees swayed and a solitary deer stood frozen like a statue in a meadow. An owl hooted overhead. It was a warning. The squirrels, chipmunks, and woodland nymphs put down their nuts and berries and ran. My god, they ran. It was coming... the WRATH of Lala!!! When Colette Lala doesn't get her way, furry creatures, big and small, suffer. She systematically crushes their skulls with her bare hands. No one knows where her strength comes from. Some say it's her ch'i or maybe her kundalini and whatnot, but let's get real... it's probably the gin. Her home stirred bathtub gin infused with coriander, cardamom, and juniper berries is somewhat of an elixir if you will. It'll put hair on your chest (a side effect she has yet to resolve), turn your inner "yawp" into somewhat of a growl, and give you the strength of a thousand pissed off gods. Let's recap, shall we?

Britney didn't use the POV. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I'm tempted to end this right here, but I tend to get yelled at when I don't blog and I can't stand to see you bitches whine. So yeah, Britney tells everyone that Rachel threatened to put Lane on the block if she used the POV. Kristen is naturally crestfallen and Britney begins her apology rounds. First, she talks to Hayden in the HOH. She tells him she didn't want to risk Lane going home. Look, sure, the guy is funny and all that, but he has done nothing, NOTHING, of value in this game. He sits in the backyard and jokes around with Enzo. He lets Matt and his big ole bag of bullshit make all the decisions and, last time I checked, Lane hasn't won, or even come close to winning anything.

Don't even get me started on Matt. We wouldn't be in this mess if he wasn't such a complete pussy who thinks he's some sort of mad genius. You are not a genius Matt. You are a tiny little ball handling idiot who wasted an HOH and made my summer next to intolerable. I loathe you with a fiery passion. I blame Matt entirely for the direction this season has taken. His decision during his reign is the single reason we're stuck with Brenchel for as long as we are. I know some Matt fans read this blog, but I don't really fucking care. I think you guys are bordering on delusion by liking this kid. He's not good looking, he's not cool, he has an abnormal obsession with his own balls, and, as a result, I'm forced to question your sanity. Anyone who supports his nominations when he was HOH is a nut job. The end.

Alright so Britney then moves on to apologize to Kristen. She's truly sorry yadda yadda yadda. Oh save it Britney. I'm so upset with you right now you have no idea. Kristen is right. Everyone in that damn house is ridiculously scared of Rachel and what she's gonna do that they just go ahead and let her continue to get her way. It's infuriating and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I'll call out anyone who let's that alcoholic red headed harpie get her way. Look, we all hate her, the house hates her... they spend hours everyday ripping her a new asshole... so why wouldn't they do whatever they could to get her out? It is truly mind boggling. There is no good reason anyone could give me for keeping her in this game. She is a threat. She is strong. Get her the fuck out of that house!

Back in the land of the sane, Kristen has decided that she has to fight to stay. Her chances are slim and she knows that, but she'll regret not putting the effort forth and at least trying. She won't campaign against Hayden. She'll campaign for herself. She spends the day making the rounds to all the HG's. Her number one argument for keeping her in the house is "because it'll piss off Rachel". I love it. It's funny, smart, and kind of perfect. I'm not going to get my hopes up or anything. I know Kristen is going home, but the fact that she's trying and the fact that she's so anti-Rachel makes me happy.

Rachel is like a big piece of poo you step in. She gets stuck in the crevices of your tennis shoes and you're forced to leave her outside until you can muster up the motivation to rinse her off. You know rinsing the shoes off will only get rid of the surface poo/Rachel. To really get the shoes clean you're going to have to get a twig and use it to dig out the muck/Rachel from each one of the crevices. The twigs will break. They'll stink. You may gag a little cuz Rachel poo smells like the most pungent diarrhea you've ever encountered. Eventually you'll just give up and throw away the $120 sneakers you were once so happy to get. They were the first pair that really cradled your foot perfectly. You could hike, jog, and power walk for hours with your crisp white and blue sneaks. You spent weeks searching for the perfect pair. Stepping in a big pile of Rachel poo is not only unfortunate but it's depressing. So, you chuck the shoes and try to move on, but the stink... it lingers. You forgot to stick the shoes in a plastic bag before tossing them into your trash can so even months later that smell punches you in the face every time you go to take out the garbage. It nauseates you so much that you loathe taking the trash out. The bags sit unprotected. Deer chew them up in the middle of the night. You're out $120, you're trash can is no good, and now you have to spend every Friday morning cleaning up your apple cores and wine bottles scattered in the street of your neighborhood. It's all because of Rachel.

Speaking of poo, did you know that Rachel has broken every single toilet in the Big Brother house? Yup, she sits her ass down on the toilet and things shoot out that have no business shooting out. They stain and stink up the bathrooms making them useless. The poor HG's are developing Urinary Tract Infections because Rachel's ginormous shits are making it impossible to pee anywhere in the house. Just yesterday she had to have her minion/boyfriend Bitch Boy unclog her HOH toilet for the twentieth time. Poor Britney wanted to tinkle, but found she couldn't because Rachel's explosive shits turned the HOH toilet into that toilet from Trainspotting.

I imagine Rachel's breath smells a little like her HOH toilet. Her breath can sizzle the wings off of butterflies. Rachel will be sitting outside and a lovely Monarch butterfly will flutter by. It's spreads is fragile colorful wings, not a care in the world, you look at it and think to yourself "how lovely". Then Rachel walks by, opens her mouth, and shrieks, "I AM Vegas!" That poor butterfly never had a chance. It's wings freeze and slowly begin to sizzle. It starts out slow at first then it speeds up and turns the poor little beautiful butterfly into nothing but a tiny puff of smoke. It's sad really. I weep for the lost butterfly.

This brings me to the overnight antics of one Miss Rachel Reilly. The HG's get an alcohol delivery and it's LARGE. It's bigger than any previous delivery which means that CBS is well aware of how much this season sucks. Anyhow, the alcohol arrives and Rachel gets started. She's slow at first, but once that alcohol gets coursing through her veins she has to have more... and more... and more. She begins to talk about Vegas and how she's Vegas. She's oh so Vegas. Yes, Rachel, you are fake and phony and covered in dust and jizz and spilled liquor. We get it. You're Vegas. Bitch Boy looks on disapprovingly. Although deep down inside he knows he's probably gonna get get laid so that's something *sigh* I guess.

Rachel begins to twirl and grab her own breasts. Her dress ends up around her waist, nipples pop out here and there, and the other HG's can only sigh and search for ways to get away. They leave Rachel outside to talk herself while they seek refuge in the quiet safety of the kitchen. Bitch Boy tries to get her to calm down. He doesn't like that we've all seen her breasts by now. They fight and bicker. Rachel slurs and insists she's Vegas. That's all she cares about really - that we know she's Vegas... whatever the hell that means. It reminded me of that chick on Bad Girls Club last season. That girl who kept shouting "I run LA! I run LA!"

Remember the other night when Bitch Boy specifically asked Rachel if she fights when she gets drunk and she said no? Well, she's a big ole stinky greasy liar. Bitch Boy, naturally, hates belligerent drunks. He'd rather kiss and coo and make macaroni art over a few sips of White Zinfandel. The whole yelling, fighting, and flashing HG's really isn't his scene.

After hours of Rachel annoying everyone to death, the HG's finally turn in for the night and try to get some shut eye. Bitch Boy is extremely upset at what a lush his girlfriend is. He climbs into bed and whimpers with his blanket pulled all the way up to his chin. Meanwhile Rachel's a sloppy mess on the floor with her ass hanging out and alcohol seeping through her pores. Can you imagine what that room must have smelled like? First the poo then the lushy Rachel skin. Gross!

Brendon has a lot to think about. There's no way his mother will approve of this harlot, but, then again, he can probably score some sex from her so that's exactly what he does. He lifts her up off the floor, tells her over and over again he loves her, and coerces a drunk girl into sex. Hot! Clearly no condom was used and I'm thinking Brendon will be asking the DR for some Valtrex any day now. Brendon knows he's in over his head. He knows she's gonna be a handful. He'll have to hold her hair back when she's hunched over puking after a night of getting jiggy with it down at the club. He'll probably have to plunge toilet after toilet for the rest of his life. Random scarlet hairs will pop up in his cereal and macaroni and cheese. Glittery mismatched blouses and skirts will litter his bedroom closet. Dried caked on make-up will stain the bathroom sink. Lipstick will mark the walls and even an odd ceiling or two. It all doesn't matter though. Brendon is in love. He's in it for long haul. He'll stay with Rachel as long as she'll have him. It's a love story for the ages.

So, what did you bitches think of last night? Were you pissed Britney used the POV? Does Kristen have a snowball's chance in hell of staying? Is any toilet in California safe? How long does it take for Valtrex to start working? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Loyalty? What's that mean?

Throughout the Big Brother season, I receive all sorts of interesting emails and Facebook messages. Sometimes I get lovely fan letters and other times I get not so lovely hate mail (always in caps and always misspelled mind you). For example, I received one a few weeks ago calling me a "psychotic mentally challenged undouched cunt" and demanding I stay out of Chat Room 31 (you're all invited by the way!). It was odd and strange considering I've never even been in Chat Room 31. I chalked it up to insanity and went about my own business. Today, however, I received a message that spoke from the heart. It perfectly illustrates my impact on the beauty industry, Rachel fans, and psychotic hose beasts. Please to enjoy...

Colette I have got a story for you. I have had my hair blue and once the blue washed out I was left with the blonde. I had to do that so the blue would be the right color. So anyway I decided to go back to my natural color dark brown. Everything is good my appointment time comes up and I'm called back by a girl a little younger then me I think. We start chit chatting and find out we are both feed watchers and asked about each others screen names. She offered hers first and I should have known something was up cause after telling her mine and going on and on about how I love your blog she got quiet. So we go rinse my hair, and as I sit in front of the mirror with the towel around my head she starts saying yeah I know you and the blogger you were talking about. Then she removes the towel and says, "I thought you could use a touch of Rachel in your life!" MY HAIR IS THE SAME COLOR AS HYENA FUCKFACE! The only good thing that came of it is that I got the bitch fired and my hair will be redone for free. So my point is Rachel fans are as fucked up as she is.

Ahaha! Best. Story. Ever. voodookitty I'm sorry about your hair, but I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here: Rachel fans are nutjobs who can't be trusted in the work place. Mark it well. It just might save your life (or your hair) down the road. Let's recap, shall we?

(I'm doing this without any notes today so forgive any inaccuracies please. Thanks to for filling in the blanks on things I missed)

We begin the day with the shaggy haired pussy boy, Hayden, being released from confinement. Why he was released so early is a mystery to me because that certainly was NOT 24 hrs. His first order of business is to eat and his second is to figure out a way to sacrifice his girlfriend in order to save himself. It still astonishes me how spineless this kid is. He's never once stood up for himself or his alliances. He's already blamed the predicament he's in on Kristen, Matt, god, the devil, and his poor crippled grandma in a nursing home. Any moment now he'll offer his firstborn, his puppy, and his precious niece in exchange for another week of safety in the house. It's fine to play for yourself and look out for number one, but don't lie to me and say you're loyal to your man alliance or care about your nighttime paramour. I'm a bright girl. I see what you're doing Hayden. We all see it. You have zero loyalty and zero conviction. Don't think Enzo and Lane don't know what's going on. They do and you'll pay for it when Badda-bing eventually implodes. First Matt will go, then you.

Our two nominees meet briefly indoors and begin to discuss what their best option is for staying in the game. Kristen thinks it's in both of their best interests if she comes off the block. Hayden thinks it's better if he comes off. Kathy enters and the conversation is cut short. Kathy is the new Ragan today. You'll see over the course of the day she has a knack for sniffing out a strategic convo and breaking it up. She's like McGruff the crime dog which, if you really think about it, is kind of amazing considering what the tobacco and ammonia/bleach solution must have done to her sinuses.

After Rachel and Brendon have a tearful fight outside about standardized testing (yes, standardized testing) Kristen is able to sneak away with Britney to talk about that pesky POV looming overhead. Britney is hesitant to use it because she doesn't know who Rachel will put up as a replacement. She's worried that, out of spite, she'll put up Matt or Lane. I really don't see the problem in that at all. Put up Matt and Hayden will stay in the game. Put up Lane and Hayden goes home. Sounds good to me! Look, as long as Kristen is safe I don't give two flying fucks about who goes home. Unforutnately for me, Britney does give a flying fuck and wants Kristen to go to Brenchel and make a deal with them to put up Kathy. Kristen already tried that. Rachel is so consumed with jealousy that she's hell bent on getting Kristen out of this game. There's no way she'd make any sort of honorable deal with Kristen.

Umm can we talk about last night's show for a second here? I'm staying with a friend for a few days and she's not really a BB fan, but she decided to indulge me last night and have a look see at the big CBS show. Rachel came on the screen shrieking and shouting at the home viewers about how great she was and how vile Kristen was. My friend turns to me and says, "What's wrong with her? Is she retarded?" I replied, "Yes. Very." My friend says, "That voice... it's so shrill." I sighed, "I know, I killed your puppy earlier because of it." Needless to say I'm typing this from the side of the road. I have bugs in my teeth and debris in my hair. I have a fistful of truck drivers' phone numbers in my pocket and I smell a little like gasoline and road kill. How I suffer for you bitches...

Back in the house Hayden finally gets his meeting with Britney. He's trying to convince her to use the Veto on him instead of Kristen. Britney is still worried that someone she's tight with (Enzo or Lane) will go up on the block as his replacement. Hayden is 100% convinced that the replacement will be Kathy. *sigh* No, he's not. All he wants is off that block. It doesn't matter if Kristen is a sure bet to go home or if Lane goes up as his replacement. As long as Hayden is off the block, then Hayden is happy. If he was smart, he'd push for Britney NOT to use the veto at all. He's a shoe in to stay if Kristen stays on that block with him. But no, Hayden isn't smart. He's got tunnel vision (must be the hair) and it's clouding his common sense. Britney says that if she gets a guarantee that Kathy is the replacement nominee, then she'll use the Veto.

The conversation then turns to Matt. Britney is convinced that Matt has some sort of deal with Brenchel. Why else would he not have nominated them when he had the chance? The more Britney begins to talk about Matt, his actions, and his behavior, the more she begins to figure out what Matt is all about in this game. She's remarkably accurate when she says Matt is playing for himself, has an alliance with Ragan, and made some sort of deal with Brenchel. Yup, yup, and yup. You nailed it Brit. Also, earlier in the day Matt lied to Kathy and told her that Britney was going to use the POV this week. I'm not sure I understand the logic of that particular move, but that's what the index card nestled next to his balls says so, naturally, Matt went with it.

It bothers Britney that no one has approached Matt for his farce of an HOH and that he's not being held accountable for keeping Brenchel in the game. It bothers me too Brit and herein lies the problem with Badda-bing. They're way too scared of making any moves, speaking up, being in power, and actually grabbing this game by the balls and playing. You can't just sit back and expect everyone else to play the game for you. It's like how last night they got all excited by the Rachel/Kristen fight because it took the target off their own backs. Yeah, well Kristen has balls. She doesn't let anyone push her around and she certainly speaks up when something bothers her. As much I hate to admit it, Rachel does too. I may pray everyday that she gets a bad case of Mange and is plagued by acne (the acne prayer is working!), but she's not weak and scared like Badda-bing is. I'll give her that much. No more. That's it. Any time I compliment Rachel a chubby little cherub angel in the sky plunges to his death. A moment of silence now for Gabriel if you will... Cabanel's Birth of Venus won't be the same without him.

Lane enters and the conversation turns to next week's HOH. Everyone wants Brenchel out of the house, but no one is willing to do it themselves. This is baffling to me. What is everyone so scared of?! Is the ghost of Rachel going to come back and haunt the house like Catherine in Wuthering Heights? Is she going to scratch at all the windows and whisper the HG's names to them while they sleep? Maybe candles will mysteriously get blown out and the floorboards will creak with her residual anger. I mean, come on! Gimme a break. Evict the bitch and be done with it. This isn't a gothic novel... as much as I wish it was... it's Big Brother. People get evicted. That's what happens. I know the plan is to get Brendon out first, but I think that's a mistake. Rachel is smarter than Brendon (plop!) - uh oh... another angel - and she's far more dangerous than he is. Besides she bugs the shit out of me and I can't deal with her lasting a long time in this game. My eyes twitch back and forth, I have a bald spot on the side of my head (from the trichotillomania I've recently developed), and dried blood is crusted down the sides of my neck (from my ears). I'll never get laid again if this keeps up. I used to be cute!

Hayden even pitches to Lane a new plan. A plan designed completely on the basis of every male in the house having a vagina. Hayden will try to make a deal with Brenchel to put up Kathy so he can come off the block. Badda-bing will vote to keep Kristen in the game, they'll throw HOH to her next week, and then she'll be the one to nominate Brendon and Rachel. Do you see how ridiculous this is? Idiots. They're doing Kristen a favor! The girl will be a rock star for splitting up Brenchel. Badda-bing is so scared of Brendon or Rachel winning HOH two weeks from now that they'll let Kristen take all the heat and have her deal with the ramifications. Look assholes, if you keep thinking Brenchel will win HOH, they will! I read The Secret. I know the power of the Laws Of Attraction. Put that shit out into the universe and it'll find a way to manifest. Speaking of The Secret, I've made my own wish board. It has a photo of Rachel with her breasts blackened with disease and her hair chopped short all blunt and crazy-like. A large Latina woman (Brendon's mom) is tying her to a stake and Brendon's dad is standing nearby with a gallon of gasoline. Off in the corner Brendon is in a tutu burying his penis into the ground while weeping thick salty tears. It's a lovely image really. I'm thinking about turning it into a poster and selling it here on this very blog. You guys would buy it, right?

After dinner Hayden talks to Kristen about what they need to tell Rachel. Hayden wants to offer Rachel 2 weeks of protection if she takes him off the block and puts up Kathy. Kristen isn't so sure his plan will work. Rachel is a jealous and spiteful person who hates everything in life including herself, she'll put up someone like Matt or Lane or maybe even Enzo. Hayden says they need to be best friends with Brenchel and pitch a four person alliance with them. When Kristen wins HOH she can yell all she wants and humiliate Rachel on national television. What is she to you Hayden? An Italian housewife with no control of her emotions? Offer the female a chance to throw a hissy fit and all will be well? God, you disgust me. I can't wait for Badda-bing to turn on you.

Ultimately, the decision lies with Britney. Will she or won't she? She wonders to herself if maybe this is a perfect opportunity to split up Hayden and Kristen. If Hayden were any sort of threat in this game, I'd say that's logical thinking, but Hayden is so flighty he has no true alliances with anyone really. We've already seen how easily he turns on both Kristen and Badda-bing. Britney tells Lane that keeping Kathy in the house might not be a bad idea after all. She'll make future nominations easier by going up as a pawn if needed. Lane is worried that Kristen will grow to be a problem down the road. Look Lane, if you bothered to make a move and be a fucking man in this game you wouldn't be in the predicament you're in. Why not make a deal with Kristen? She's clearly stronger than you are. Since you're so scared of getting blood on your hands, let Kristen do it instead. Then you and your little girly alliance can spend the next few weeks sunning yourselves and cracking jokes while the strong women (Kristen, Rachel, Britney) continue to play this game for you. Better yet, why not just take a nap until Final Four? I mean, that's essentially what you want to do anyways. Seriously, I think I hate every man in this house. They'd use their wives and girlfriends to shield themselves from an armed robber if given the opportunity. Disgusting.

A little later BOTH Hayden and Kristen go up to the HOH to talk to Brenchel. Queen Red has her hair slicked back, no make up on, and a ginormous chip on her shoulder. It was positively frightening. I clutched my crucifix and hoped for the best. First things first, Rachel wants to know exactly what Hayden and Kristen have offered Britney. They say they've offered her 2 weeks safety. Rachel then says that they'll have to offer her a 5 person alliance (Rachel, Brendon, Hayden, Kristen, and Britney) and that in future nominations they'll have to put up their friends. I think to myself "Take the damn deal! Promise the bitch whatver she wants then nuke her next week!" My inner screaming was interrupted by Rachel again bringing up last week's HOH. She doesn't understand why Kristen kept going after her. Yes you do Rachel. You're not an idiot. Stop acting like one. You were going after Kristen just as much as she was going after you. Stop acting so fucking shocked you're under attack. You're a miserable and repugnant person. People loathe you. You must have encountered this in your everyday life. I find it very hard to believe you're well-liked in the real world.

The conversation gets back to some deal making and Hayden tells Rachel that all they need from her is a promise that she'll put up Kathy. Brendon takes his pacifier out of his mouth long enough to say that he's worried they can't trust Hayden and Kristen. Oh for fucks sake, someone get him a new bottle and change his diaper. He's ruining everything! In the end, Rachel and Brendon are actually willing to think about it. They want Hayden to get Britney in on the 5 person alliance and sign the deal in blood. The entire room agrees that if they pull this off, this will be the biggest move in the game. Meanwhile, at home, I'm thinking "And the dumbest Rachel and Brendon! Ahahaha!!!" Rachel really is an idiot if she falls for this. It's perfect!

Hayden fills Britney in on everything that was said: she needs to take the deal even though it's basically a big stinky lie and they'll go after Brenchel anyways. Britney then goes up to the HOH and discusses all the specifics with Rachel. Rachel is still wary of Kristen and presses Britney as to whether or not she can actually trust Kristen. They talk about putting Kathy up as a replacement because she's the choice that won't really piss off the house. Again, Rachel talks about this being a huge move (yeah, huge and STUPID!). She still needs to think about it.

Late at night we find Brenchel in bed discussing the Hayden and Kristen plan. They're going over the votes and various scenarios for the coming weeks. The more they talk, the more the scheme disappears into the distance. I know a lot you bitches wanted Kristen and Rachel to team up and I was against it because I hate Rachel so much. You guys made it sound like it was a long term thing. If it's a one time lie to keep Kristen in the game, then I'm all for it. In the end, sadly, Hyena Fuckface whispers to her Bitch Boy that ultimately she just can't trust Kristen and then I wept. I wept for the past, I wept for the future, I wept for Kristen, I wept for world peace, and I wept for my hair to grow back in as soon as possible. My only hope is that Britney makes a move on her own... a move without Rachel and Brendon. I will spend today mixing potions and putting beautiful Kristen thoughts out into the universe. If that guy who killed all the people in the sweat lodge can make The Secret work for him, then surely it can work for me.

So. does Kristen have a chance in hell to stay? Why are Badda-bing so damned scared of everything? How hard is it to get the stench of squashed raccoon out of denim? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Pony Population Is In Danger!

When it seems as if all hope is lost I like to gather up some things and pray for a miracle. A little marjoram, mugwort, a pinch of belladonna, orris root, anise, a heaping spoonful of wormwood... actually, that might be my recipe for Absinthe. I'm not sure. Nevertheless, a well-mixed potion would never hurt a fly. It might hurt a red-headed beast with chin pimples, but not a fly. I'll perform my ritual skyclad (butt naked y'all). I'll call the corners, wave my hands to and fro, maybe dance a jig if I'm so inclined and then that'll be it. Kristen will be safe and I'll happily continue to blog Big Brother. In the case that it doesn't work, I've secured a rusty iron fence and had it installed outside my bedroom window. I plan to stand on my ledge in a sheer chiffon nightdress, raise my hands up to the night sky, and take a giant leap impaling my innards on as many spikes as possible. Clearly, option number one is the most appealing, but I'll do option number two if I have to, so help me god... I will. Let's recap, shall we?

The day begins with everyone all a twitter over the big POV comp. The HG's seem to think it's the trading up for prizes comp we all love so. Remember last year when Lydia drunkenly flipped a table? *sigh* I miss Lydia. She did crazy with flair and with style. I could watch her calling Ass Licker a bipolar drag queen for hours on end. Good times. I doubt this year will have any table flipping. There might be some eye rolling and hyena laughter, but, sadly, no table flipping. OK so Britney thinks it would be hysterical for Enzo to get the unitard and Rachel vows to take the POV and keep it for herself. Brendon asks Britney if she'd keep a trip to Hawaii for her honeymoon. Britney thinks she might and she muses aloud that she also might throw the next HOH to Enzo so he'll get a letter home. Brendon says, "What?!?". Britney replies that he has a baby and he misses his wife. Brendon mumbles, "Oh yeah." And this is where it hits me: Brendon's high talk of who deserves to play the game and how he always sees the nice in people is all bullshit. He only sees the nice in people when it serves his best interest. If it's not a person who can help him (like Andrew) then he's just as cutthroat as everyone else. The nicey nice exterior is just a big phony ruse designed to make America go "Awww shucks, isn't he special?". Well, Bitch Boy, you're not special. You're a very lucky man-woman-child who whines too much and creeps me out. Having said that, is there any way I can snag an invite to when you introduce Rachel to your mom? I really really really want to be there. I'll sit quietly in the corner with a notepad. I won't make a peep I swear. Kisses. Thanks!

Off in another room the heroine of our story, Kristen, is sitting in quiet contemplation. Kathy is rubbing her arm and thinking to herself, "You better not win so I go on the block bitch". It's a sweet moment between two ladies. Kristen is nervous and visibly so. She knows she has to win this POV or else she's in big fucking trouble. Kathy nods and says "Mmm hmm", but you know she's chanting something like "Lose! Lose! Lose!" in her head. Kathy's not stupid. Sure, she wants Kristen to stay in the game, but if it means that Kathy ends up on the block instead, then forget about it. The Jury is only one eviction away. Kathy Faye can almost taste the stipend already and it tastes sweet and tangy kind of like Sweet & Sour Shrimp or maybe a Fuzzy Navel. I can't decide which one Kathy Faye would like better. She lives on Spam and eggs so perhaps either one would be a decadent treat for her. Who knows?

Finally, after hours and hours of waiting (seriously, it took the better part of my afternoon waiting for this shit to start) the POV begins. The players are Rachel, Kristen, Hayden, Ragan, Britney, and Enzo and it indeed was the trading up for prizes POV. While the competition was happening some reality tv show journalists were allowed into the BB house to poke around the HG's belongings. Sadly, I wasn't invited. Bitches. The ones who were invited noted that the house smelled like salmon and all the drains had hair in them. Um ewww. One tweeted from the HOH room that he saw handcuffs in a drawer and red extensions in a paper bag. I tweeted back offering a large amount of money if he'd steal the extensions. The douchebag ignored me and an opportunity to fuck with Rachel was passed by.

When the Feeds returned my nightmare slowly revealed itself to me. Kristen lost. My faith in nature, trees, mountains, and prescription pills was destroyed. I threw myself onto my purple velvet chaise lounge and buried my head into the opium scented pillow to weep uncontrollably. My body shook and I burbled, "Why, why why?!". There was no toe dipping into glitter. The stars refused to shine. My garden gnome fell over and shattered to pieces. I asked myself, what else could possibly go wrong this summer?" I'm getting a little sick of things not going my way. I just know my haters have an entire army of voodoo dolls they're continually stabbing. You win bitches. You win. Uncle. I'm tortured, exhausted, my hair hasn't been trimmed for months, my tan has faded, and I'm quite sure my diet of Tylenol PM and mini Twix bars isn't do me any favors mentally. Is it really so much to ask that Rachel gets a flesh eating disease and Brendon falls impotent? I don't think so!

After my tearful tantrum ended I returned the Feeds to discover that not only has Kristen lost, but she now has to wear the unitard for a week. Furthermore, Enzo won a 3D tv, Ragan got a "Veto Pass" (it allows him to play in any POV he wants), Hayden is forced into a Have-Not Solitary Confinement for 24 hrs, and Rachel... well, Rachel won $5000. Are you shitting me?! *throws hands in the air* Come on! Ugh... it just never ends. The only silver lining I can muster is that now that Rachel has money, it makes her even more of a target. I mean, wasn't Rachel the one who used Monet's $10,000 against her? Well, Hyena Fuckface, it's time for payback. As god is my witness, you will feel the repercussions of your actions. There is no god or heaven above if you get away with being a miserable hose beast without any punishment whatsoever. The acne and the greasy hair is funny and all, but that's not nearly enough payback for me. An itchy fungus is more along the lines of what I'm thinking.

So Britney has won the POV and it's not looking good for my precious Kristen. I half expected Kristen to cry and get a little sad. I could understand if she did. Hell, I would. But no, what does she do instead? My girl sits tall, maintains composure, and starts planning her next move. Wow. Seriously, wow. No mourning, no weepy time into a pillow, none of that.Italic Just stoic perseverance. She tells Kathy she's going to talk to Britney and basically offer her the world in exchange for coming off the block. She'll vow to keep Britney safe until the end of the game. She'll never nominate Britney, she'll use the POV on her, she'll protect her from Hyena Fuckface... Kristen will do anything Britney wants if she survives this week's eviction. It's her only chance.

Kathy suggests that Kristen brings up Monet and how she went out of the game because she won money and how she'd be upset that Britney is now friends with Rachel when Rachel was the one who evicted her. Kristen nods and thinks that's a good idea. And, by the way, it's not Kristen who wants all the girls out of the house. It's Rachel! Big beefy stinky greasy Rachel.

Eventually, Kristen gets her unitard and it's pretty insane. Not only is it the ugliest unitard to date, but she also has to wear some ridiculous wig with it. Thank god the girl has legs for days. She's the only one who could make that unitard somewhat sexy. It's tight, it's transparent, it pretty much shows what she ate for dinner.... I don't know what Big Brother was thinking. No way that outfit is safe for air. When Kristen emerges from the DR you should have seen the HG's faces. Britney's jaw hits the floor, Ragan wants one for himself, Rachel begins to seethe with jealousy, Brendon begins to blush, and Matt and Lane have to scramble to hide their woodies. Kristen just laughed and laughed telling everyone that she has to wear it all the time even if she gets up in the middle of the night to go tinkle.

Kristen goes into the bedroom to show the unitard to Kathy and this brings us to the funniest moment of the day. Kathy takes one look at her, says "Oh my god", then erupts into a fit of giggles. Kristen bursts out laughing and says, "How am I supposed to... I have to be serious this week?!!" The two are doubled over nearly in tears from laughing so hard and at home I joined them. Big Brother fucked her so hard it's pretty laughable. She has to spend the week trying to saving herself with her ass and vaj hanging out for all to see. It reminds me of those Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty books I'm so fond of. The prince forces Beauty to walk everywhere completely naked to teach her submission and squash her prideful ways. Big Brother is doing the same thing only Kristen's not so uptight to let it get to her. Good girl.

Kathy wants Hayden to know what he's missing so she runs to the door of the Solitary Confinement room to describe in vivid detail how Kristen looks. Hayden keeps asking, "Is it hot?" All the poor boy wants is a little stimulation to get him through the night I think. Kristen joins Kathy and tells Hayden he won't believe it when he gets out and sees her. He asks again, "Is it hot? Is it revealing?" Kristen replies, "Well, it can't get any tighter." Hayden is pleased.

The conversation through the door turns to the POV comp and Kathy decides that if anyone comes into the vicinity of them she'll use the word "blue" as a code word for Hayden to know that another person is in the room. Hayden muses how they got screwed this week and tells Kristen he's sorry he took the POV from her in the comp. He tells her that he knew Britney would take it from her anyways so he went ahead and did it instead. I'm not bothered with Hayden trying to save himself, but it's really beginning to bug me how much of a pussy he is and how often he throws all of his alliances under the bus. He never once stands up for himself. He lets everyone else do the dirty work and all he cares about, even though he's most likely safe this week, is getting his ass off the block - even if that means another Badda-bing member goes up in his place. He'd sell his own mother on a street corner if it meant he'd be safe for another week. I don't like that at all.

Enzo makes his way into the bedroom where the door meeting is going on. Kathy mutters the word "blue" and Enzo finally gets a glimpse of Kristen. He flips out! He tells Hayden Kristen looks "banging". The guys in the other room hear Enzo hooting and hollering about Kristen so they all go to the room to join him. It's literally poor Kristen sitting on the floor in the unitard and every guy, including Ragan, sitting around her in a circle staring. Get this... Brendon is in there too! Rachel was in the DR, but you bet your ass as soon as she came out into the house, Brendon got up and scrambled back to her. The party stayed around Kristen for a good while with even Britney joining in. In the other room, however, we were privy to one of the best conversations ever.

Very rarely will you hear me say that a convo between Rachel and her man is worth listening to, but this one fits the bill. Brendon says to Rachel out of the blue, "I don't think you're an alcholic. I really don't." Rachel sits and nods. He asks her if she likes to fight when she drinks. Rachel says, "No, I like to make out and have sex." *pause so you can soak it in* Instead of wondering how often Rachel has "made out and had sex", Brendon is stoked! This bitch likes to drink all the time. That means he'll get sex all the time. Nothing like sex with a sloppy drunk girl, right Brendon? Brendon declares that he thinks this relationship will work after all. Rachel smiles to herself trying to block out the laughter and glee coming from the room where the entire house is hanging out in. It kills her inside that Kristen is so well-liked... even in a humiliating hippy unitard get-up she's still charming and funny. Suck on that Rachel!

Eventually, Kristen gets to make her pitch to Britney. She promises Britney the world, but Britney is nervous that if she uses the POV, Rachel will put up Matt out of spite. Personally, I don't see the problem with that, but Britney fancies herself to be the fifth member of the Brigade. Didn't the Beatles once have a fifth member? Look how life turned out for him... not too good. Not too good. Kristen thinks Rachel will put Kathy up, but Britney is still hesitant. Kristen tries the emotional angle saying how she really needs to make it to Jury because she has no money if she goes out now. She doesn't know how she'll live because she used her savings to pay her bills for the entire summer. Britney hears what Kristen is saying, but she wants to be sure that using the Veto is the best move for her at this juncture. Kristen tells her that she can even use the veto on Hayden if she wants. Hayden coming off the block might increase Kristen's chances to stay if Kathy goes up as his replacement. Britney wants to talk with Hayden when his Solitary Confinement is all done. She wants to see what he has to say about all this.

OK Britney pisses me off. A lot of you bitches told me that Britney wasn't really friends with Rachel. Well, if she's not then this is her perfect chance to gather the troops and piss Rachel off. I see some of you suggesting that Kristen, Britney, and Rachel actually join forces and work as an all girl alliance. No! Hell no. I don't like that one bit. I don't care how strong Rachel is or how well she does in challenges. I can't stand that bitch and I don't want the girls I like associating with her at all. Britney is already pushing it with me with all her late night girly bitch convos with Rachel. For my own sanity, I cannot have people I like scheming with Rachel because that means I'll be forced to listen to Rachel speak and I just can't have that. As it is, I only listen to her if it's absolutely necessary. I've developed migraines, the kitten population has drastically reduced, and I fear the ponies are next. Shame on you bitches for even suggesting it! Shame, shame, shame. Are you trying to kill me or something? That's like asking me to watch Michele Noonan tapes on a constant loop. That's worse than my rat bag! You bitches are evil... so so evil.

Well, I'm gonna end it here folks. Do you think Kristen has a chance at all to stay? Will Hayden spooge when he sees Kristen? Can Britney ever come back from the dark side? Will Rachel ever wash her hair? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!