Friday, August 23, 2013

Oh My God, You Guyzzz

Oh my goshhh you guyzzzz, this is soooo exciting hnmm mnmm. I'm like freaking ouuuut. Look at this photograph, hnmm mnmm, I think that guy right there is my husbannnd. He's either my husbannnd or the tour guide we had that one time we visited Canadaaaa, hnmm mnmm. And, oh my god, you guyzzz, Perfect Little Treasure drew me some picturezzz! Do you see the anger in his brush strokezz, unh? That means he's wetting his bed again. Oh myyy goddd, I got a yoga mat. But, this isn't Mandukaaaa. I wanted a Mandukaaa. Greek Yogurt yummm hnmm mnmm. Let's recap, shall we?

Where to begin? How does one pick up the pieces of a clusterfuck and put them together in a way that is both pleasing to the eye and not vomit inducing? Hell if I know! Let's dive right in and see if we can make sense of all of this.

When the Live Feeds click on, we discover that Spencer and McCrae have already dropped out of the competition. Jessie and Amanda are tied with 3 balls and Elvira (Elissa) is in the lead with 4 balls. Quickly and without haste, the balls being to fly again. Amanda and Elvira both catch a ball while Andy stumbles and falls.

Jessie falls next and was instructed to immediately leave the house as soon as she fell. On her way out the door she hollers, "Fuck you Amanda! I fucking hate you!" Jessie's a gem, isn't she? As Jessie waddles out the door we hear Aryan say, "I'm sorry Jessie. You are out of the game." This is mildly interesting to BB connoisseurs because it's the first time (that I can recall) we get to hear an HOH narrating an Endurance Competition. But wait! Jessie hasn't left the premises yet. No, she's still throwing a fit. She's throwing a fit and she's throwing balls at the Jurors heads. The feeds cut to fish for, what I suspect, are the men in white coats coming to drag Jessie away.

When the feeds come back we can hear Hell-en (Helen) feverishly telling Candice and J-U-DD that Elvira was the only one who voted to save her. Homegirl Hell-en is working overtime to make sure her precious Elvira lasts longer in the game. It's very Single White Female... only, it's Single Asian Female... but she's not single so I guess it's Married Asian Female which, if you ask me, doesn't sound like all that great of a movie. Does that make me a racist?

Hell-en must have had a premonition of her future in the Jury House because she falls with Candice falling right behind her. Welcome back to the Big Brother House, J-U-DD. Ahummina hummina.

As the only Juror left, J-U-DD is not only back in the house, but he can still compete for HOH. He tells the HG's that he wants to start the game anew and holds no grudges against anyone. The score is now J-U-DD with 3 balls, Amanda with 4 balls, Elvira with 6 balls and VaGina (GinaMarie) with 3 balls. On a personal note, I'm happy J-U-DD is back. The other options were too much of a nightmare so it's good to have that mumbling country boy back in our lives. Plus, it means we'll get some more J-U-DD impersonation on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night!

All of the HG's are extremely interested to hear what the Jury House is like. J-U-DD's reply is, "I've had to hear Oprah stories for the past two weeks. That's the only thing I'm bitter about." VaGina yells from her end of the arena, "Did you tap that (Candice or Jessie) or what?" J-U-DD replies, "Nah, we had different rooms." McCrae then asks what the movies in the house are like. J-U-DD tells them that the movies were similar to what they had in sequester. McCrae then asks what the Jurors were able to see of the evictions. J-U-DD says that the eviction DVD's were short and vague.

(intruders are in upper right hand box)

Then, out of nowhere, a heckler in a red wig and a giant foam finger comes racing into the backyard to distract the HG's. He hollers this and that as a security guard chases him. The fallen HG's on the bench yell to the HG's still competing to ignore the distraction and stay focused on the game. A lovely lady on Twitter was speculating that the unruly fan was Howie. I have no idea because I never got a glimpse of his face.

As much as we may like J-U-DD and his wacky mumble-speak, I am still annoyed that he is back. It is incredibly unfair to let an evicted HG reenter the house. And it would have been more unfair had he won HOH so it's a good thing he fell just as Elvira was catching her seventh ball. I'm not an Elvira fan (AT ALL), but I have to say that she was very smart in the way she played the game. See how her eyes are locked on the ball shooter thingie? This is immensely helpful when it comes to catching balls. Amanda, on the other hand, was more focused on not falling off her perch.

The competition continues and we quickly get two VERY close calls. Amanda loses her footing on her perch and falls to one side, but she grips her ball holder and manages to swing herself back into an upright position. Shortly after, the exact same thing happens to Elvira and we immediately know how important this HOH is to both women.

Despite her efforts and despite never falling off, Amanda simply didn't catch enough balls to pull out a victory. Elvira, with her eye on the ball shooter strategy, catches her tenth ball and is our new HOH. *stabs self in the eye with a hot poker*

There has been a lot of speculation and conspiracy theories circulating about Elvira's win and, believe me, I LOVE a good conspiracy theory, but Elvira won that comp fair and square. No one cheated, no one was pushed and no one was told when to jump. Any sightings of Production behind the wall are simply of the crew maintaining the apparatus.

After the HOH is over and everyone has had their showers, we find Elvira and J-U-DD in the bathroom. Elvira is wasting no time jumping on the Amanda Hate Train. She corners J-U-DD and tells him that Amanda, McCrae and Aryan wanted to backdoor him for months. You and I both know this isn't true, but lying is part of the game. I can accept this. I can accept people lying in order to stay in the house longer. It's always baffling to me when I see peoples panties in a twist over Amanda or Andy lying in their game play. EVERYONE in the house lies! Why is it OK for Hell-en and Elvira to lie, but not OK for Amanda and her crew to lie? The hypocrisy amongst the BB fan base is laughably ridiculous.

Anyhow, J-U-DD doesn't seem all too concerned with the information that Elvira is telling him. He says to her, "Sorry fer not huggin' you when I left the house." Elvira ignores him and asks if he'll vote out whomever she puts up. J-U-DD replies, "I'm startin' fresh." Elvira then asks, "You're not mad at Amanda and McCrae?" Again, J-U-DD says that he's not holding any grudges and has no alliances. He is starting the game completely fresh. Elvira then asks him why Jessie is so mad at her. J-U-DD has no idea, but he says that Jessie told him about how she was stalking Elvira that one day.

Over in the bedroom we see Amanda frantically doing some damage control since J-U-DD is back in the house. She tells Aryan to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en threatened her and she had to put J-U-DD on the block during that Double Eviction. Amanda tells Aryan that she has to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en said he was MVP (The truth is that Amanda said it). Amanda reiterates that they need to blame everything on Hell-en. Aryan nods and doesn't say much, but Amanda is worried because she can't remember exactly what she said to J-U-DD in her goodbye message to him.

In all parts of the house, everyone is super curious about what Jury is like. They ask J-U-DD all sorts of questions and with each answer the feeds go down. The feeds even cut to fish when J-U-DD begins to tell everyone how he thinks that Candice really likes Howard for real. At one point when the feeds come back up we hear J-U-DD saying that he wish he knew what he was and wasn't allowed to say (Production must have given him a warning.). Nonetheless, the remaining HG's fill J-U-DD in on how Jessie went batshit crazy the week she got evicted.

Off in another room, we find McCrae and Spencer quietly whispering to each other. McCrae doesn't think having J-U-DD back in the game changes anything. McCrae insists that J-U-DD is still a marked man. McCrae admits that he feels like he and Amanda are "super at risk" this week. Spencer assures McCrae that he'll still back him up and be loyal this week.

In the bathroom we find Amanda and Elvira whispering. The blow dryers are blowing loudly so it's extremely hard to hear exactly what they're saying. What I'm able to pick up is Amanda reminding Elvira how they've protected her throughout the game. Elvira doesn't seem to care much. Amanda mentions something about J-U-DD going on the block and Elvira firmly says that she's not putting up J-U-DD, but she might put up McCrae. Elvira then says how Aryan is the one who sent Hell-en home, but she doesn't have the balls to accept responsibility. Instead, she blames everyone else. Again, it's extremely difficult to hear them, but Elvira seems firm in her decision and not interested in hearing what other people think.

Elvira mumbles something about splitting up VaGina and Aryan. Amanda tells her that the best way to do that is to put both of them on the block. If VaGina wins POV, then Aryan will still go home. If Elvira doesn't put VaGina on the block, she can still win POV and save Aryan. Amanda is insistent that the way to assure Aryan goes home is to put VaGina up with her. Elvira says nothing and walks away.

The talk with Elvira is incredibly worrisome to Amanda so she and McCrae go into the cockpit. Amanda rehashes her bathroom conversation with Elvira and tells McCrae that Elvira wants Aryan to go home. She says that Elvira wants to nominate Aryan with either herself or McCrae. Amanda explains how she is trying to get Elvira to nominate VaGina and Aryan together.

McCrae, also worried, tells Amanda that she needs to stay on top of Elvira. Amanda says she doesn't want to push her too much because Elvira pushes back. Amanda tells McCrae that if J-U-DD asks any questions about his eviction, he has to say that Hell-en told them J-U-DD was MVP. McCrae asks Amanda if Aryan knows to say that as well. She tells him that she already talked to Aryan about blaming everything on Hell-en. McCrae worries that Aryan could flip and use it against them.

Andy then enters the cockpit and Amanda immediately tells him that Elvira doesn't want to nominate Spencer or J-U-DD with Aryan. She tells Andy that Elvira wants to put up someone stronger like her or McCrae. McCrae tells Andy he needs to work on Elvira, but not to push it too much because Elvira doesn't like to be pushed. Andy sighs and wishes they could just get rid of J-U-DD. Amanda tells him how Elvira was adamant about not nominating J-U-DD. McCrae says he's super worried about J-U-DD comparing notes with the other HG's. Andy laments that J-U-DD coming back into the game screws up everything. Andy doesn't want Amanda or McCrae to go up on the block, but he also doesn't want to go up on the block himself. Meanwhile, McCrae doesn't understand why Elvira wants to put up a strong person this week. He says that she can't play in HOH next week and everyone will be after her.

Amanda is super worried that both she and McCrae will go up on the block. McCrae tells her that that's exactly what will happen if VaGina wins POV. McCrae keeps saying, "What a fucking nightmare." Andy sighs, "It's going to be so hard to get J-U-DD out." Amanda contributes, "This is the absolute worst case scenario." Before Andy leaves the cockpit, he reassures McCrae and Amanda that they can get through this.

Once Andy leaves, Amanda begins to cry. She tells McCrae that J-U-DD is going to screw everything up (Not J-U-DD, Elvira!). Through sniffles and tears she says she doesn't want to leave yet. If she gets voted out she'll have to go to the Jury House with all those girls that will be mean to her.

Fast forwarding a little, we arrive at Elvira's HOH reveal which is a nightmare of hnmm mnmm's and unh's. Elvira says over and over again, "I'm sooo excited. I'm freaking ouuuuuttt. I don't know what I'm going to doooo when I'm seeing pictures of my familyyyy. I'm going to die, hnmm mnmm." Sadly, she didn't die. Instead she hnmm mnmm'd all over everything and says to a photograph, "That's my little family, mnmm." Amanda then comments on of the photos, "That doesn't even look like you in that picture. That's crazy." Amanda, my love, that photo was probably pre-op Elvira.

In addition to photographs, Elvira also got some hand painted art from Perfect Little Treasure. Elvira says, "Oh my goshhhh, this is sooo beautiful." Later she remarks how the drawings look like her son was angry when he made them (???).

Not everything is sunshine and roses in Elvira's HOH. For example, the eyelashes in her HOH basket aren't the kind that she wears. The ones in her basket are "ridiculous". She also didn't get a Manduka yoga mat... "This is not my favorite yoga mat. Manduka is my favorite." If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that, hours before the HOH reveal, I predicted that the brand of her yoga mat would be an issue. For all of you non-yogis, Manduka is one of the most expensive yoga mats. I don't have a Manduka myself, but I'd cut off my left tit to get one. If anyone wants to buy me one, I would love THIS ONE and THIS ONE. Some people got annoyed with me this morning for pointing out that Elvira was bitching about her yoga mat because Elvira said her Manduka was too heavy. Well, Manduka makes lighter travel ones, numbskulls! I'm going to step out of this paragraph right now because I get way too fired up when talking about yoga. Namaste.

In addition to an insufficient yoga mat, Elvira got a Taylor Swift CD (the horror!) and a letter from Rachel (even more horrifying!). And that is where I will end this today. I suspect that Elvira will be nominating Aaryn and Amanda for eviction this afternoon.

So, what did you think of the HOH competition? Are you happy Elvira won? Is Aryan Elvira's real target or is it Amanda? Will you be daytime drinking heavily today during the Kiss The Hnmm Mnmm Ring sessions? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

So Disgusting

You guys are so disgusting, hnmm mnmm. You like have no character to come here day after day and read about MY life experiences, unh. Go get your own life experiences. When I look at you, I see magnets. Wait, not magnets. If you were magnets then you would attract me. You're anti-magnets! Hnmm mnmm. You repel me. Sitting there with your poor character and nothing at all to offer the world, I simply can't be around you anymore. Like, I'm charitable and I have my ministry, hnmm mnmm, but you guys are horrible people. God doesn't like horrible people and neither do I, unh. God only likes proven commodities like me and Candice. We're like successful powerful women who know the value of dating men for their bank accounts, hnmm mnmm. Oh my god, I can't talk you guys anymore. You're so jealous of me, unh. Let's recap, shall we?

If you don't want to kill yourself after today's post, then I haven't done my job. It's as simple as that. What started out as an innocent Tuesday got raped and assaulted violently by hnmm mnmm's and moans. That's right. Elvira (Elissa) personality #666 is back and she's got some souls to crush.

Let's begin in the backyard with Hell-en (Helen) and Elvira drinking some coffee and engaging in some morning chitchat. Hell-en begins by saying that she thinks McCrae has been brainwashed, but there might be more to him than meets the eye. Hell-en tells Elvira that she's disappointed in McCrae as if he was her own son. Elvira then asks Hell-en if she thinks Andy, McCrae and Amanda are better character wise than VaGina (GinaMarie) and Aryan. It's a strange question that Elvira decides to answer herself. She says that Amanda is playing the game and says some really ridiculous things sometimes, but Aryan and VaGina aren't solid as people. They wouldn't know how to handle a crisis. Hell-en then says that Amanda is a phenomenal player. She says, "She's phenomenal. She's amazing. I would vote for her to win." Hell-en continues and says that she's rather go out of the game under Amanda's influence than say someone like Spencer. Hell-en says if she ever has to get something done in the world, she'd call Amanda and be like, "What the hell do I need to do?" In other words, Amanda is a go getter.

The conversation switches to Aryan and how Hell-en wants her and Elvira to work on both Aryan and VaGina. Elvira tells Hell-en that she doesn't trust Aryan and Aryan just says whatever Hell-en wants to hear. Elvira says that Aryan would just run to Amanda and tell her everything anyways. Hell-en sighs and tells Elvira that she has to put her trust in someone. Hell-en tells her that she really believes that Aryan was close to backdooring Amanda the other night (She was.).

#666 can't stay dormant any longer so she claws her way up Elvira's esophagus and spews pea soup everywhere. Elvira says that Aryan is a horrible person who has said some horrible things. Hell-en inhales sharply and you can tell she is desperate to calm Elvira down. Hell-en tells Elvira that Aryan has been trying to rebuild her reputation because she is concerned with how she was portrayed in the first half of the game. Elvira interrupts and says, "So now she's being fake on camera." Helen sighs and says, "No, like siding with me and siding with the moms." Elvira says, "Even though it's totally fake and she's running to Amanda." Elvira continues and tells Hell-en that she's happy she's trying to stay in the game, but that she (Elvira) will never change her ming on Aryan, "Aryan isn't a solid person and doesn't have good character."

Again, Hell-en takes a deep breath and tries to reason with Elvira. Hell-en says that she tries to see the good in people (like me!). Elvira replies, "Unh that's going to get you screwed over hnmm mnmm." Hell-en, fighting the good fight yet getting nowhere, says that she believes peoples life experiences shape who they are and we don't know if something may have happened to Aryan. Elvira's eyes turn black as she says that Aryan is a horrible influence on VaGina. VaGina had the opportunity to be saved and turned into a good person like Elvira or Hell-en, but she blew it by hanging out with Aryan.

Hell-en desperately wants to get the conversation back on track, but Elvira keeps turning it into an Aryan Bash-fest. You see, Hell-en is simply trying to give Elvira advice on how to stay in the game after she leaves. Let's face it, Elvira is not one for advice. She is already perfect!

Hell-en, not one to give up on fighting the good fight, tells Elvira that Aryan is incredibly ambitious for a 22 year old. Elvira snorts and says that if she and Hell-en were on Adderall when they were 22, they'd be ambitious too. Elvira says that Aryan couldn't decide whether or not to go on the Real World or Big Brother. Elvira claims that Aryan chose Big Brother for the possibility of winning money. Hell-en says there is nothing wrong with Aryan wanting to be famous. Elvira chortles about how Aryan once dating a pro hockey player, but that he might not have been a pro after all. Hell-en says quietly, "She got her heart broken [by him]." Elvira replies, "Well, she should have been a nicer person." *smacks self in head* Elvira says, "I'm like such a charitable person, hnmm mnmm. Aryan would steal your husband. If you have something she wants, she'll just take it."

The conversation was completely ridiculous. On the one hand, we have Hell-en being a good sport trying to help Elvira out in the game and give her advice. On the other hand, we have Elvira in the throes of a raging jealous obsession with Aryan. You heard me right - Elvira is OBSESSED with Aryan. Aryan has done nothing to Elvira this week, but try to be nice to her. True, Elvira was on the block, but she was never in danger of going anywhere. Instead, Aryan heeded everyone's advice and has been civil to Elvira. Elvira, however, is so wrapped up in her weirdo jealousy of Aryan that Aryan is all she can talk about. Elvira hated Aryan well before any of the race crap started and she has continued to hate her well after it ended. For someone who is so Christian and "good", you'd think she'd be more forgiving. I'm the farthest thing from a Christian and I hold grudges like you wouldn't believe, but even I have managed to forgive Aryan.

Finally, the conversation comes to a close and we all breathed a sigh of relief. I did some yoga, had a bite to eat, watched some Real Housewives and popped a pain pill. Innocently, I turned the feeds back on expecting to see the houseguests getting ready for the day. Oh Christ. Hell-en and Elvira are talking again. *grabs a crucifix* Wish me luck.

Once again the Mom Squad is outside chatting and once again Elvira is obsessed with Aryan. Elvira is telling Hell-en that she doesn't talk to Aryan or VaGina because she doesn't want to speak to them, not because she wants Hell-en to speak for her. Hell-en is simply (and weirdly) going to the ends of the earth to make sure Elvira is safe after Hell-en leaves the game. Before I continue, let's talk about this. Why why why is Hell-en more concerned about keeping Elvira safe than she is about playing her own game? Hell-en gives gives gives and Elvira takes takes takes. You know those people in life that you can't stand, but for some reason you find yourself doing nice things for them and worrying what they think about you? Those are psychic vampires. They suck the life out of you and use it for themselves. I would like to go on record saying that Elvira is a psychic vampire.

Hell-en, bless her, tries and tries to give Elvira the pep talk she needs to win the next HOH, but Elvira, damn her, keeps swinging the conversation back to Aryan. It went something like this:

"I can't wait to never ever ever, I mean EVER, speak to Aryan again."
"Now, I don't want you to worry or get nervous before the next HOH comp."
"Aryan is so spoiled. She hasn't had any life experiences, hnmm mnmm."
"You won at OTIV. You can win at anything!"
"Candice had great character. Candice is a proven commodity. Sorry you're not as successful as Candice, Aryan. Sorry!"
"When you put your mind to it, you can win at anything!"
"Candice was a professional cheerleader. Sorry you weren't Aryan, unh."
"You were a beast in POV this week. You were SO good at it!"
"Aryan is so gross, unh. I can't believe I have to stay here with these people."
"I love you. I do. I love you and I want you to win."
"Aryan is so much prettier than I am. I mean, she's gross. Really gross!"

The conversation ends with Hell-en crying about how she never felt beautiful until now. I shit you not. In the middle of Elvira raving like a lunatic, Hell-en had an emotional breakthrough. She tells Elvira that she never beautiful until she entered the Big Brother house. The two hug as Elvira coos, "Aryan has such poor character" into Hell-en's ear.

Finally, FINALLY, we can get away from Elvira and focus on Amanda who is finally awake. Amanda has been itching to talk to Hell-en about all the shit she's been saying about her and now is the time. The two sit in the cockpit and Hell-en begins, "If I go, I won't be a bitter Jury member. I know this is a game and I know when I've met my match." Amanda tells Hell-en that the reason she got so angry yesterday at Hell-en is because Hell-en's tactics have been personal. Hell-en nods and agrees with Amanda. Amanda says that she's not a bully and that she's probably the only person who has been honest to Hell-en (This is true. Instead of lying to Hell-en about her vote, she told her to her face she would vote to keep Spencer.). Hell-en then tells Amanda that she loves her and wants to have good times in the house. She says that Amanda is the one of the smartest people she's ever met and that she wants to leave the house on good terms. Hell-en apologizes for the things she said to McCrae yesterday. She tells Amanda that she didn't feel good about the conversation after it was over and that she knew it wasn't right. Amanda tells Hell-en that she felt like Hell-en was campaigning against her when she's not even on the block. Hell-en apologizes again.

Amanda then tells Hell-en that the only reason she came after Hell-en is because she heard that Hell-en was coming after her (Andy told Amanda that Hell-en was targeting her.). She tells Hell-en that she cares about her and loves her, but this is purely a game move. She says that Elvira was laughing at her yesterday and it made her feel uncomfortable. Hell-en tells Amanda that Elvira is playing for herself. Meanwhile, Elvira is outside the door eavesdropping.

Hell-en continues, "Elvira is Elvira. She will heed any advice I give her." Hell-en then begins to lay on the compliments super thick. She tells Amanda again how much she loves her, how smart she is, etc. Amanda thanks Hell-en and tells her that it upsets her when people say she bosses McCrae around. She tells Hell-en that it's McCrae that drives her to succeed in this game, not the money. She says she dreads getting evicted only because she doesn't want to be separated from McCrae. Hell-en is happy to hear this and tells her that she's happy she had a hand in getting Amanda and McCrae this far (WHAT?). Hell-en says that she wants someone she has worked with to win the game. The two hug it out and agree to enjoy Hell-en's last few days in the house... if they are her last.

Oh Christ. Hell-en and Elvira are outside again. Hell-en tells Elvira about her conversation with Amanda and how she told Amanda that she appreciates her. She tells Elvira that she wants to be able to comfortably spend time with Amanda & McCrae before she leaves the house. Elvira's reply is thus, "Unh, it's so ridiculous, hnmm mnmm. Aryan is so disgusting and repulsive. She 's the worst person I've ever met in my entire life. She's such a child. She has nothing to offer... EVER!" Umm ok. Keep in mind that Hell-en wasn't even talking about Aryan. She was talking about Amanda!

Hell-en tries to change the subject and tells Elvira to focus on the game. Here we go again...

"Oh my gosh. It's so horrible. I hate her. She is so jealous of me. In the game even. I haven't even won any HOH's and she's bitterly jealous of me."
"You need to focus and win HOH."
"She just wants to be the center of attention and if anyone take the attention off of her it makes her fiery mad."
"Look at my thigh. I'm losing so much weight."
"Aryan comparing herself to me is like me comparing myself to Poppy Montgomery or Oprah."
"In my heart of hearts I know Andy won't vote for me to stay."
"Unh, don't say that, hnmm mnmm. I hate Aryan!"

After another 8 hours of Elvira drooling over Aryan, Amanda and Elvira meet in the cockpit. If you'll remember yesterday, Amanda has been preparing for this meeting and planning what she wants to say. The conversation begins as soon as Elvira walks into the cockpit, "I can't deal with these people (i.e. Aryan)." Amanda tells Elvira that she heard about all the conversatino yesterday where she was being called a bully. Amanda says, "I've NEVER attacked you or Hell-en personally." Elvira replies, "You know who did that? You're little sidekick Aryan!" (UGH) Elvira continues, "Aryan is so disgusting." Amanda doesn't blink an eyelash and tells Elvira that she is one of the only people who has been honest with her this whole time. She says, "So many people in this house lie to your face. The only reason I'm going after Hell-en is because she's coming after me." Elvira says, "Aryan is going after you." (SHE DOESN'T STOP!) "Aryan is jealous of me and that's why she starts fights with me. She isn't even on my level." (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?)

With Amanda the Aryan talk is one ear and out the other. Her main concern is getting Elvira to trust her so she tells Elvira how upset she is because she's always had Elvira's back and now Hell-en is turning Elvira against her. Amanda says she has never said a bad word about Elvira and Hell-en, but from a game perspective she feels she can trust Elvira more than Hell-en (LOL LIE). Amanda says that so many people are going after Elvira, but she and McCrae have been protecting her. Amanda then tells Elvira that Hell-en told her Elvira was going after her. Elvira gets pissy and says that she doesn't know why Hell-en is talking for her.

I could go on and on about this conversation and about how Elvira says everyone in the house is as dumb as a brick wall and how Candice is a proven commodity (SHE'S NOT EVEN THERE) and how Aryan makes her sick to her stomach and how everyone is so stupid and how Elvira will always be successful and how no one in the house should bother talking to you... *clicks rifle and shoots face off*

Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Aryan is pissed off that Amanda is even talking to Elvira. SHE'S DOING IT FOR YOU, YOU TWIT! Amanda is downstairs enduring hell to make sure Elvira doesn't go after 3AM, but Aryan doesn't see that. All Aryan sees is Amanda kissing up to Elvira. Naturally, this gets VaGina all wound up so she contributes some game talk as well, "Fuckin' muthafuckas. Rats! I love you Nick. My twat itches, yo!"

Immediately after the conversation with Elvira, what do you think Amanda does? She goes right upstairs to tell her alliance everything! Is Aryan happy that Amanda is going to the ends of the earth to save her ass? NO! Aryan is super pissy. Like, spoiled brat pissy. After Amanda tells her everything she said to Elvira, Aryan replies, "Great. You saved yourself. Thanks." Amanda sits quietly and everyone watching the feeds could see the wheels spinning in her head. She literally just spent over an hour making sure her alliance will be ok in the coming weeks and now her alliance is angry with her. The look on Amanda's face read as exasperated. You could see her saying to herself, "Why the hell am I going out on a limb for these people? They don't get it!" I was even saying these things to myself. I loved 3AM. I was excited by 3AM. I thought 3AM would make such an interesting final 4, but Aryan's attitude right now makes me want Amanda to kick her out and replace her with Spencer or something. That should tell you exactly how ungrateful Aryan was. I hate Spencer!

Amanda tries desperately to make everyone understand that she was working on their behalf, but the tension in the room is so thick that she can't help but comment on it. Amanda asks, "Am I acting shady right now because I'm trying to be honest?" Spencer says she is kind of acting shady but he understands what she was doing. VaGina, on the other hand, says, "I ain't gonna promise nobody nuthin'!" Amanda says, "I never promised anything." It was a sad scene. Really sad. You have the two twits not grasping anything that's going on and Spencer too afraid to piss off anyone.

So that's where I'll end this today. Should Amanda kick Aryan out of 3AM? Why is Elvira so obsessed with Aryan? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
CBS Interactive Inc.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Do It For America

For years people have asked me why I don't go on Big Brother and my answer has always been the same, "Because I'd be the first one evicted!" While I might be charming, witty, agile, crafty and incredibly cute, I am also, to a fault, a horrible liar. If someone asked me, "Do you mind if I have some of your SmartFood White Cheddar Cheese Popcorn from your HOH basket?" My reply would be, "Yes, I mind! Get the hell out of here and shower the next time you think of lying on my pillows! My god, you're so rude." So imagine my surprise when I became a bona fide BB15 player yesterday. Better yet, so did you! It turns out all of us are unwilling members of Hell-en's (Helen) alliance. We had no say in the matter. We were never asked. Yet, here we all are as part of the Mom Squad. I don't know about you, but I'm aborting whatever baby Hell-en thinks I have and then promptly jumping off a cliff. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin the day with Hell-en frantically working on whomever she can to convince Aryan to put up Amanda as the replacement nominee instead of Spencer. First, she corners VaGina (GinaMarie) in the bathroom and tells her that you can't tell Andy anything because he's a traitor. VaGina replies, "You gots ta cawl him out yo!" Hell-en agrees and says she's going to call out Andy today for playing both sides. You see, it has come to Hell-en's attention that Andy's loyalty lies with Amanda and McCrae not Hell-en and Elvira (Elissa). The conversation comes to a close with VaGina cursing some more about how she hates muthafuckin' rats.

Hell-en then heads up to the HOH to make one final plea for Aryan to put Amanda on the block during the POV Ceremony. Hell-en tells Aryan that last night Andy said he was going to bed, but he really didn't. This makes Hell-en incredibly suspicious of Andy. Hell-en says, "If he's a rat, it's unreal." Aryan tells Hell-en that if she puts Amanda up on the block, Spencer has already said he won't be voting her out. Aryan tells Hell-en that Andy, Spencer, McCrae and Amanda are all working together. She tells Hell-en that she has a better chance of staying if Spencer goes up on the block.

Before I go on, I need to pause here and clear something up. If you listened to the Big Brother Gossip Show this weekend, then you've already heard this. If you haven't, what the hell are you waiting for?! OK, so there is a lot of talk about whether or not Aryan is telling the truth when she talks to Hell-en or tells people that she doesn't trust Amanda. The answer is yes and no. The things she tells Hell-en are often true, BUT Aryan's loyalty will always be with 3AM (Amanda, Andy, Aryan, McCrae). Combine the two together and she becomes a regular Sarah Bernhardt. She uses truth in the lies she tells which makes her incredibly convincing to both us and Hell-en. For example, when Aryan says something like, "Hell-en, Spencer will risk going on the block because he is confident he has the numbers to stay," she is really saying, "Hell-en, Spencer will risk going on the block because 3AM is protecting him in an effort to send you home." So, the next time you wonder to yourself where Aryan's true loyalty lies, it lies with 3AM. Her ability to mix the truth in with the lies is unparalleled. Everyday, fans and Houseguests wonder what she's really thinking. I, too, wonder sometimes. That's how good she is. Love or hate Aryan, this little tactic of hers could serve her well when it comes to Jury votes. She is HOH and she has put Hell-en on the block and will, come Thursday, get her out of the game. BUT, Hell-en will blame none of it on Aryan! And if Aryan manages to get to the final two, Hell-en could quite possibly vote for her to win. And before you start calling me a racist again for appreciating good game play, please notice that the color of ABSOLUTELY NO ONE'S skin was mentioned in the above paragraph.

OK so Hell-en is stunned that Spencer is so willing to go on the block this week. She's stunned and pissed off at Andy. She says over and over again, "I can't believe Andy." Aryan nods and agrees, "Andy keeps selling you out." (Ha! That's another one of those truth/lie things she does.) Hell-en says that she wants to talk to Spencer and make him realize that he can't be the pawn forever. She also wants to tell McCrae that he'll be made fun of for the rest of his life for letting Amanda run his game. Hell-en thinks it will really bother McCrae to tell him that Amanda has carried him through this game. (Keep those last two sentences in mind when, later, Hell-en rants about "good" people and "bad" people.) McCrae is such a huge fan of Big Brother that Hell-en thinks calling his game an embarrassment will really tick him off.

Hell-en, as always, circles back around to Andy again. She tells Aryan that Elvira will be floored when she hears about all of this. Yet Hell-en says that if she leaves the game, Elvira should play with Andy. Why Hell-en is so concerned about Elvira's welfare, I'll never know. She also thinks that she needs to tell Elvira that should play the game with Aryan and VaGina as well. Aryan tells Hell-en that she doesn't think Elvira cares all that much that Hell-en is leaving. Aryan says, "I feel like Elvira is just happy it isn't her that's going home." (Ha!)

Speaking of Elvira, it is now her turn to try to work on Aryan. Elvira sits across from Aryan and asks her who is she putting on the block today. Aryan tells her she will be putting up Spencer. Elvira responds, "It would be amazing for your game if you put up Amanda hnmm mnmm." Aryan then tells her the same thing she told Hell-en - that Spencer will vote to keep Amanda is Amanda goes on the block. Elvira replies that everyone in the house is playing Amanda's game. Elvira then says that McCrae is getting vicious and wants them all (the girls) to fight. Huh? McCrae getting vicious? VICIOUS? Riiiight.

So the POV Ceremony takes place and, as expected, Aryan has put Spencer on the block. Also, as expected, Hell-en is freaking out and having a hissy fit. She gathers everyone (except for Spencer, Amanda and McCrae) up in the HOH bathroom for a lecture. And, true to her word from earlier, Hell-en calls out Andy in front of everyone. She tells Andy that he is being so manipulated by Amanda & McCrae. She says that America is at home saying, "Andy, make the right choice." NO WE'RE NOT!!! Hell-en says that Andy will go down in flames if he stays with Amanda & McCrae and that later he'll regret not playing with the girls (Hell-en, Elvira, VaGina, Aryan). Andy, bless him, replies, "I don't like that you're questioning me. It's pissing me off." Hell-en burbles something about something and then hugs Andy. Andy tells Hell-en that, yes, he's aligned with Amanda & McCrae, but he knows exactly what's going on. He tells Hell-en, "I'm not stupid." Hell-en, who I think expected Andy to bow down and obey her with his tail between his legs, apologizes to Andy and tells him that she loves him.

Out of nowhere, VaGina interrupts to contribute some sage game talk, "Spencer is such a tampon! Fuckin' yo Nick an' I hate rats. Sta'en Island represent!" No one knows what the hell she's talking about so Hell-en ignores her and begins to bring me and you into her game. She tells everyone that America will be so happy if someone in that bathroom wins Big Brother. Then, she begins to talk directly to us, "Big Brother is about loyalty, trustworthiness and sportsmanship. It's not about manipulation and deceit. One of the good people WILL win this game!" Collectively, we all replied, "SHUT THE FUCK UP HELL-EN!"

Elvira then chimes in and says that Amanda & McCrae would never date in real life. Well, this sets off an Attack Amanda session. Everyone, save Andy, chimes in and says something nasty about Amanda. Wait a sec, I thought these were supposed to be the "good" people. Hell-en says that this, right here, this meeting of the minds in the HOH is Amanda's worst nightmare. Meanwhile, Amanda is downstairs sleeping soundly without a care in the world. Yeah Hell-en, Amanda sure is all bunged about it.

Hell-en then gets called to the Diary Room. When she leaves Aryan announces, "I didn't come here to win fourth place." OK, I'll admit, even then I had to scratch my head and wonder if Aryan was telling the truth. Even Andy sat silently not sure of where Aryan's loyalty was swaying. Aryan continues and says that she is annoyed how confident Spencer is that he's safe this week.

Elvira leaves the HOH and we are left with VaGina, Andy and Aryan. Aryan tells Andy that Elvira warned her to watch what she says to him. Andy sighs and tells Aryan that he is playing this game by trusting his instinct. He has been doing that since day one and, right now, his instinct is telling him not to trust Hell-en. He tells Aryan that he'll be voting Hell-en out this week. VaGina says that she'll vote however Aryan wants to vote, but she doesn't trust Spencer. Andy chimes in and says that he has no reason to doubt Amanda & McCrae. Andy cites how Hell-en keeps saying she wants the "good" people to win and not the bullies. He says that Hell-en has been bullying him the whole time. Aryan agrees with Andy about getting rid of Hell-en, but she feels bad about it.

Later we find Aryan and Spencer in the HOH room. Aryan is bitching to Spencer about how Amanda has deals with everyone in the house. Aryan says that the fight they had last night almost made her put Amanda up on the block. (Note: The fight wasn't even really a fight. Aryan was buzzed and bringing up Wine-Gate and Amanda couldn't keep her mouth shut about Aryan playing the victim. Amanda squashed it quickly and the two were BFF's again.) Aryan then switches gears and tells Spencer how scared she is of Elvira winning HOH. Aryan continues and says that Amanda & McCrae have made deals with everyone. Spencer says, "They haven't made a deal with me." Spencer tells Aryan that Amanda & McCrae keep him around as a vote to get other people out. He says once his usefulness is up, they'll get rid of him.

Aryan sighs and says that she is beginning to realize a lot of stuff Amanda is doing lately. Spencer tells Aryan that next week will be easy. Amanda's plan is, "Get rid of Elvira. Keep me safe." He says that Amanda's plan last week was, "Get Jessie out. Keep me safe." For two people who know exactly what's going on with Amanda & McCrae they seem to have no problem doing their bidding and keeping them in the game because Amanda & McCrae will always be a more appealing option than Hell-en and Elvira. This is an interesting point because, if you think about it, had Elvira been likable and not so freaking weird, the house would probably be more than happy to side with her over Amanda & McCrae. The problem is that Elvira is so standoffish, rude and manipulative that the house has no choice, but to choose Amanda & McCrae. Imagine how different the game would be had Elvira be easy going and fun-loving.

Later in the cockpit we get the meeting that everyone (but McCrae) has been waiting for. It's Hell-en and McCrae and Hell-en is wasting no time telling McCrae how Amanda is running his game. She tells him that America (ugh) is watching and we want him to play for himself. She says that relationships should be 50/50, but that McCrae is letting himself be bossed around by Amanda. Hell-en says if Amanda is running is game then why even be there? Why compete? Why vote? McCrae only answers with, "Ya. I have a lot to think about."

First off, Hell-en is a cunt. I'm sorry, but she is. Who the hell does she think she is to tell a man that his relationship is doomed? And I take issue with her using ME while she does it! She literally assaults McCrae with how even though she wears the pants in her marriage, McCrae should wear the pants in his. Need I remind you that Amanda & McCrae AREN'T REALLY MARRIED! She attacks the poor lad with relationship and marriage advice while telling him how embarrassed America is for him. I'm not saying she's wrong in what we/America think of McCrae. I, too, think he is pussy whipped. My problem with this whole thing is how she repeatedly says how she wants the "good" people to win over people who bully, manipulate and threaten. In this instance Hell-en is doing exactly what she says the "bad" people do! She's a hypocrite and it makes me insane. More so because she's dragged me and you into it.

Meanwhile, Andy is upstairs in the HOH telling Amanda that Hell-en is talking with McCrae right now. Andy tells her that Hell-en keeps calling her a bully when Hell-en is the one being the total bully. Andy says that he's sick of it and sick of being around Hell-en. Amanda wonders if maybe she should pop in and break up their meeting. Aryan tells her not to and to wait. Amanda says it's so annoying knowing that people are campaigning against her and she's not even on the block. Amanda regrets telling Hell-en so early that she wouldn't be voting for Hell-en to stay. Amanda admits that she makes mistakes in the game. She says that she's slowly learning how to conduct herself. She says that this week she learned that she should have waited longer to tell Hell-en how she'll be voting.

McCrae finally manages to escape from Hell-en and up in the HOH he tells everyone what Hell-en was saying to him. He tells Amanda that Hell-en said she was carrying him through the game. Amanda replies, "I'm carrying you? What am I, a fucking kangaroo?!" McCrae continues and says that Hell-en was talking about the "bad" guys. Amanda asks, "I'm a bad guy and who else?" Andy says, "Spencer!" Spencer asks, "Why am I a bad guy?!" Spencer sighs and snorts that Hell-en is just campaigning for votes.

McCrae then laughs to himself and tells the room how Hell-en told him that the Brenchel Army is waiting with bated breath to see how McCrae and Andy will vote. He says that Hell-en told him that America is backing the moms. McCrae says that every time Hell-en brought up the Brenchel Army it was making him crazy. He says that Hell-en was the one being a total bully and threatening him. Andy chimes in, "That's exactly what I was thinking." McCrae says that the one person America would never support is someone who threatens to walk from Jury (he's talking about how Elvira threatened to quit the game if she got evicted).

Amanda is visibly bothered by Hell-en calling her a bully. She asks McCrae if she bullies him around. McCrae says no and that if she ever wanted him to make a move that wasn't good for his game, he wouldn't do it. Amanda tells him that she'd never want him to make a move that would hurt him in the game. McCrae tells her that it really pissed him off when Elvira asked him, "Was getting rid of J-U-DD good for YOU?" McCrae says he wanted to tell her, "No motherfucker, it was good for you!" McCrae then tells Amanda that Hell-en thinks Amanda is the mastermind behind this week's nomination. Amanda says, "Apparently, I'm the mastermind behind every HOH." Amanda says she can't believe that Hell-en thought McCrae would actually keep secret everything she said to him.

Spencer then chimes in and says, "I guarantee you that Elvira is hated outside this house." Andy says that he is super worried about Elvira winning HOH this week. Andy says that he doesn't want to have to kiss her ass. Amanda agrees and says it makes her so nervous that her ears are burning. The room agrees to all hang on for dear life if it's an Endurance Competitions. Spencer says he'll try to get into Elvira's head by saying it's cold outside or something during the competition.

Amanda still can't seem to shake the bully moniker that Hell-en has given her. She asks the room if they think she's a bully. Spencer tells Amanda that she's brutally honest. Andy tells her that she's "assertive", but not a bully. Spencer says that he hates that word "bully" (so do I!). All the boys say how much J-U-DD hated that word too. Amanda comments that Hell-en is just pissed off that Amanda beat her at her own game. McCrae then says that Hell-en and Amanda are so similar. (LOL) Amanda doesn't like hearing this, but I have to agree with it. I said a few weeks ago on the Big Brother Gossip Show how both Hell-en and Amanda are great players and incredibly persuasive. McCrae continues and jokes that Amanda doesn't know what the word "threat" means. Andy comments that she's gotten much better about threatening people.

Spencer says that Amanda threatened him once by saying, "If you don't vote with us, we'll all come after you." The entire room cracks up in laughter, even Amanda. McCrae says, "That's not a threat." Amanda replies, "Yes it is!" The bully discussion comes to a close with everyone giggling. The room advises Amanda to work on Elvira later, but not right now because it would look suspicious. Amanda comments that maybe she should cry when talking to Elvira. She says, "Yeah, I'll break down and say that Hell-en is saying all these terrible things about me and how I've been protecting Elvira."

And there you have it! A bit of an exciting day for a Monday. I expect the rest of the week to continue in the same fashion. Hell-en will NOT go down without a fight and Amanda will NOT go down without letting Hell-en know exactly what she thinks of her (look for that on Thursday maybe).

So, what do you guys think of Hell-en going home? How nutball crazy will Elvira be without Hell-en in the game? How annoyed are you that Hell-en dragged you into her awful alliance? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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