Saturday, June 22, 2013

Spencer: Onion Boy

Last one! Spencer Clawson is a 31 year old Railroad Conductor from Arkansas. I love that he's a Railroad Conductor. That's one of those jobs that you think doesn't exist anymore. It reminds me of Edith Wharton and lace and elegance. Or maybe it reminds me of dirty faced lads with pageboy caps carrying all of their belongings tied in a bandana on the end of a stick leaping into empty boxcars. Spencer probably chases after them with a baton. "You get out of that boxcar, you rascals!" Now that I've invented an entire new life for Spencer, let's get to know the real him.

(Image via Big Brother Network)

While Spencer is large in size, his demeanor is mellow, slow like molasses. He's a real guy with a real job and not someone recruited out of a bar. He thinks his realness coupled with his boisterous personality are the reasons he was cast on the show. He must be hiding his boisterous personality in the dining car because I'm not a seeing a speck of it today. Spencer is pretty much the opposite of boisterous as he leans with his arm over the back of the couch. He is even-tempered, unhurried and perhaps even a little restrained.

As far as Big Brother goes, Spencer is a hardcore fan who thinks that more people would watch the show if it was advertised as a mental game. He's a confident guy who has often sat at home watching Big Brother thinking to himself that he could play the game better. The more Spencer speaks the more you realize that he's one of those onion people. You need to slowly peel back the layers in order to find out more. Getting cast on the show wasn't a great challenge for him because he simply put himself into the Casting Director's shoes and imagined what that person would want to put on TV. And we all know those Duck Dynasty guys are a huge hit right now. America loves a salt of the earth hard working underdog.

Once Onion Boy here gets going on a tangent you discover that he is extremely well-read and is probably one of those Civil War buffs with the whole Time Life Civil War series displayed proudly in his living room. He seems to enjoy history and recalls the story of how when Benjamin Franklin visited France, he left behind his silks and instead wore a coon's cap. This is essentially what Spencer did when he went to that Casting Call. Reality TV loves rednecks right now so Spencer went in there in all his redneck glory. Smart guy. I can definitely appreciate a thought process like this.

What I'm not too appreciative of is Spencer's game plan to be likable. His strategy is solely set in the social aspect of the game and he intends to last by making everyone want to keep him around instead of the other annoying guy/gal. While this strategy worked for one Mr. Adam Poch, it won't necessarily get you respect from your fellow players or admiration from the fans. Houseguests, we want to see you do stuff! We want to see you lie, manipulate, bob and weave. Being the likable guy no one is too concerned about is boring. Boring, I tell you!

Overall, Spencer is a bright guy with his druthers about him. On the downside, he is careful and calculating. Calculating is great. Careful is not. Careful is when you sit in the lounge in silence thinking to yourself. I have no use for that as a feed watcher. On the other hand, I'll bet Spencer will hate Nick and THAT I could find some use in.

So, what do we think of Spencer? Is he Adam 2.0? Will he be able to maintain his calm cool demeanor throughout the entire season? How long before he rams Nick's head into the drywall? Comment it out, bitches!

And that's it for the cast! It's an interesting bunch - some good, some bad, one horrible - and I can't wait to see what happens when the cameras turn on and my life as I know it ends.

This is it. The clock is winding down.

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McCrae: "Know Your Role, Shut Your Hole"

Meet 23 year old Pizza Delivery Guy McCrae Olson. McCrae and his delicious fro come to us from Zimmerman, Minnesota. For some reason, McCrae wasn't available for to do an extended interview (was he an alternate?) which means I am forced to sit through a very painful 2 minutes and 39 seconds of Jeff Schroeder. *makes the sign of the cross* Wish me luck.

McCrae describes himself as a super fan and a "feedster". While I can appreciate his commitment to Big Brother, the feedsters are always the ones who feel the need to talk to the camera and, as we all know, that makes me insane. I watch Big Brother to be a voyeur so when Houseguests break the fourth wall it is like they are stealing from me. They are stealing my right to spy without getting caught.

Moving on, we find out that McCrae loves being a Pizza Delivery Guy. He loves to meet new people and bring them sustenance when their asses are too lazy to cook for themselves. He's enthusiastic and excited, but with the jaunty jingles and that horrid Jeff Schroeder I'm having a tough time get a true assessment of the young McCrae. Jeff is doing his talk-show schtick and I think it's making McCrae act like he needs to perform and be bubbly. Why does CBS keep giving Jeff gigs? He's the worst!

As far as the game goes, McCrae is not entirely against a showmance. If it benefits him, he could woo a young lady with the fine art of romance as long as you "know your role, shut your hole." Now, I have no idea what this has to do with romance - other than some really icky thoughts in which butt plugs are involved - but it does tell me that McCrae may have some humor potential. He's a little awkward (not Ian awkward) and I appreciate how he isn't afraid to look directly into the camera.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you much more about McCrae because of that twit Jeff and his moronic questions. For the most part, McCrae seems likable. We'll just have to wait and see.

So, what do you think of McCrae? Will he flirt his way to a victory? Do you want a side order of buffalo wings with that? Comment it out, bitches!

Get your Live Feeds so you don't miss a minute of the madness!

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Nick: He's Super

And this brings us to Nick. I've heard a lot about Nick Uhas in the past few days. He has apparently struck a chord with the Big Brother viewing audience and not in a good way. Let's see what I think about this 28 year old Entrepreneur from Hilliard, New York.

Ohhh Nick. Oh dear. When Nick speaks it is the equivalent of Mike Boogie in the Diary Room. There are a lot of hand gestures and random whoops sprinkled throughout. When asked what he does for a living, Nick replied, "I am a... professional... stunt... in-line skater. Most people are like 'Whaaaaaat?!? What does that even mean?'" He's an enthusiastic chap bubbling with narcissistic effervescence with a speech pattern not unlike a machine gun - tat tat tattattattat tat tat tat. Every syllable is emphasized. Every word has a period after it. And when he's really excited about something - which is all the time - his eyes open incredibly wide and he stares at different parts of the room as if to challenge them. Yo, window, you wanna piece of me?!

Nick has a laundry list of achievements that he is more than eager to share with you. He traveled around the world in 79 days (Was he competing with the book?), went to a Big Ten school (So what? I did too.) and has a super tight job in Manhattan as an automotive parts specialist of something or other. Who the hell knows. But, he gets to travel around the country and talk about cars which is sick because he loves cars and who doesn't love to talk about cars, brah. There was also some talk about biomedicine and engineering, but I didn't quite catch it all because Nick is a bundle of energy who apparently needs no oxygen because he never pauses long enough to take a breath. He might also be a sheep herder, a nurse and an acrobatic aviatrix. Nick has his hands in a lot pies so I wouldn't put it past him.

Nick isn't just a fan of Big Brother. He's a super fan. Everything Nick does is super. Far more super than anything you or I could ever do. Nick dreams and those dreams come true. Just last New Year's Eve Nick made a commitment to himself to use his entire being to its fullest capacity which somehow translates into appearing on Big Brother. The more I listen to Nick, the more I think he really needs to start a cult. He's enthusiastic, confident, outgoing, incredibly creepy and, no doubt about it, a savvy con artist. I'm thinking he's the guy behind that phone scam that calls senior citizens and scares the shit out of them telling them they owe back taxes. He gets their money and then puts it in an offshore account in the Cayman Islands.

The big question is, what do I think of Nick? I love him. I do and here's why - I've said time and time again that all I want from Big Brother is to be entertained. The recipe to getting that entertainment is to cast HUGE personalities. Let's get one thing straight, HUGE does not equal likable. Do I like Nick as a person? Hell no. Do I like Nick as a reality cast member? He makes my nipples hard. This guy is going to shake the house up. He is going to wheel and deal, He is going to lie and not care. He is going to manipulate. He is going makes promises and then he is going to break them. Hallelujah! We should have 16 of him in that house. THAT is my dream for Big Brother. Loud, obnoxious, hugely charismatic people all elbowing each other to grab that check. I am but a simple girl with simple dreams and like Nick's dreams, mine just came true.

The next question is, will Nick even make it to Jury? I'm not sure. We may need to drop in some Ritalin to keep him in line - like in Hunger Games when they dropped down that ointment to Katniss and Peeta. Nick has 15 things working against him and those things are every other Houseguest. He'll need an alliance entirely made up of timid followers or he'll need to team up with big go-getters just like himself if he wants to last. One thing is for certain, I don't think we'll ever be bored with Nick.

So, what do we think of Nick? Do you see promise in him like I do? Or is he too annoying and too over the top? Does he have a chance in hell of winning? Comment it out, bitches!

Nick just made the Live Feeds ridiculously awesome. Don't miss out!

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Kaitlin: Big Heart, Big Problems

23 year old Kaitlin Barnaby comes to us from Minneapolis, Minnesota where she works as a bartender. Although I'm not entirely sure that she's not made of plastic. I once saw a mannequin in the window at Neiman Marcus that looks JUST LIKE her. Come to think of it, there were beach balls in that window too. What are the chances?!

Seriously though, despite that horrifying photograph, Kaitlin is kind of cute and can actually speak. Only, she speaks like this, "I come frum Minnesoota." BUT she did go to private Catholic school all her life. Me too! And trust me, there is a very good chance that this chick could be a hot mess. Or so I've heard.

(Image via Big Brother Network)

Moving on, Kaitlin describes herself as a sweetheart who is really bad at confrontation. She is also a complete newbie who was recruited in a bar to be on the show. Personally, I don't mind the recruits because they tend to be more uninhibited than cast members who are overly familiar with the show. I do, however, take issue with her eyebrow situation. Did she use a Sharpie or coal from the barbecue?

Like the others who have spoken repeatedly about their outgoing personalities or their African American-ness, Kaitlin likes to talk a great deal about her "big heart". This enormous heart of hers apparently gives her an edge as far as the game goes. But, when I look up "enlarged heart" on the google machine I immediately grow concerned because there is a very good chance that Kaitlin could have coronary artery disease or heart valve problems. She might be able to keep the condition under control with medications or she could need surgery. Dr. Lala to the rescue!

In addition to telling us about her medical issues, Kaitlin also likes to say, "We'll see how that works out" quite a bit. For example, "I'm a complete newbie. We'll see how that works out." Or, "I tend to put other people before myself. We'll see how that works out." This chick has no idea what she's gotten herself into. We'll see how that works out.

Diving further into the mystery that is Kaitlin, it looks like I might have been right on the money in regards to that "hot mess" thing I mentioned earlier. Kaitlin's strategy in the house is to be standoffish and then ally with the guys. Spoken like a true Catholic school girl! Told you. Takes one to know one.

Overall, Kaitlin is a fuzzy one for me. I think I see potential here, but I'm not completely sold yet. She is definitely one that I'm going to keep my eye on.

So, what do you think of Kaitlin? Could she fall into the same luck that other recruit, Jordan, did? Will her strategy of cozying up to the men work against her? Comment it out, bitches!

We may have a seductress on our hands. You definitely don't want to miss that! Get your Live Feeds while they're hot and cheap.

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Judd: "Let's Do It!"

Today, we continue sifting through the last of the Big Brother offerings. Some have delighted. Most have disappointed. Let us see what we can uncover from these remaining victims.

Next up is 26 year old Property Appraiser Judd Daughtery from Englewood, TN. Judd is a small town Southern boy with all sorts of hopes and dreams - one of which is ending up on Big Brother. He is also a fidgety nervous guy who delivers stock answers with a twang. And I'm not sure, but there's a chance he's the result of fetal alcohol syndrome. There's a simplicity in his demeanor, sort of a thin crinkly layer where if you peek through to the inside, all you'll get are bones and gristle. What I'm trying to say is that Judd lacks depth. He is a simple simpleton.

As far as the game goes, Judd has many a catchphrase all fired up and ready to go... "Bring it on!" and "Let's do it!" are two of his favorites. They work in all sorts of situations. Are you excited to play Big Brother, Judd? "Bring it on!" How do you feel about being on camera 24/7? "Let's do it!"

Judd fancies himself to be a "people person" because he encounters people everyday of his life. And it is these encounters with "people" that will give him that strategic edge in the game. "There's gonna be lots a different people in the house," Judd declares. Yes Judd, there are. Good for you! In regards to all those people, Judd plans on being nahss ta e'rybuddy unless thar mayne ta he-um. Awesome. Someone I can write phonetically for. It's been a while and I'm rusty.

Strategy wise Judd definitely doesn't want to be a floater. He didn't come this far to sit around and let things happen. He wants to make things happen. I think he read that once in a Tony Robbins book. Being a hardcore Big Brother fan Judd is aware of what he likes to watch while sitting at home and quiet floaters don't rate very high with the lad. He hopes to entertain and delight us with his competitive social acumen because he's not vurry good at puzzles.

Maybe I'm being unfair to Judd for his slow lazy drawl. Or maybe I can recognize a bore with my lightning quick reflexes. Judd talks an ok game and says all the right things, but acting on promises is an entirely different ballgame. Overall, Judd is unremarkable and, well, he tawks funny!

So, what do you guys think of Judd? Could he surprise us and be Mr. Entertainment? Will he tawk to the cameras constantly thinking, at home, we'd enjoy that sort of thang? Comment it out, bitches!

And, what are you waiting for?  Click, click, click already!

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Friday, June 21, 2013

Jessie: "Center Of Attention"

Next up is 25 year old Jessie Kowalski from Beaumont, Texas. Jessie is unemployed, but she'll always be employed to me. When I hear the name "Kowalski" I think Kowalski Tires. And when I think Kowalski Tires, I think Uncle Buck and this makes me happy. So, in my mind, Jessie sells tires for a living and that's just the way it is. From her photo, Jessie looks a little bit like the cute version of Lea Michele. Let's hope for our sake that she's not as annoying.

In person, Jessie looks nothing like Lea Michele. Photoshop is a tricky mistress, I tell ya. She grew up on a ranch and thinks her outgoing personality is what got her cast on the show. She could be down in the dumps about being unemployed, but she's not. She's an "always look at the bright side of life" type of gal who sees her unemployment as a great tool for victory. You see, since she has no job she won't be worrying about work and she can direct all of her focus to the game. Looney logic, but bright and sunny.

Since Jessie has grown up dancing and cheerleading she is used to cameras and "used to being the center of attention". A comment like that makes me think she's talking about after Big Brother ends and not necessarily the game itself.

Jessie describes herself as an "overachiever in every sense of the word" who tries her best at everything she does in life. Aaaand we've got a crier on our hands. I'm calling it now, anytime she loses, she'll cry. Perfectionists are like that. It won't be out of sadness though. It'll be out of insecurity and frustration with herself. Although, if I adopt Jessie's half glass full attitude, I would dutifully notice that two overachievers mixed in with two tough laid back chicks from New York might be a recipe for awesomeness. The NY chicks can point and laugh when the overachievers cry and starve themselves into another bout with anorexia. Sweet!

Overall, Jessie is quite confident and self-assured, but I also get the feeling that she always gets her way. She's blah in general and while she's a hard worker and determined, I'm not seeing much of that charisma I always look for. I'm not excited about her in a good or a bad way and that's usually not a good sign. I'm also not sure what to think about the fact that she has studied past seasons. People that are too careful and aware never make good Houseguests. Time will have to tell with this one. I'm not writing her off just yet. There could be some deep seeded emotional issues that are just dying to bubble over. I'll keep my eye out for them.

So, what do we think of Jessie? Will she get along with Helen or will they fight to the death? Comment it out, bitches!

If Jessie has a breakdown, you don't want to miss it!

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Jeremy: "I'm Sailing! I'm Sailing!"

This is 23 year old Boat Shop Associate (he sells worms out of a styrofoam cup to fishermen) Jeremy McGuire and he is holding a giant ball between his legs. His slicked back hair coupled with the fact that "The Brigade" is his favorite Houseguest tells me that Jeremy could be quite hideous. But let's not jump to conclusions. Let's hear the man out.

OK so Jeremy is from Texas and he lives on a boat. One day he dreams of sailing around the world. This is an admirable dream and one I support since boats are ridiculously awesome - especially if you're lying in a glitter bikini whizzing across the water sipping on a gin fizzy. Although, I am scratching my head a little bit at the fact that Jeremy says he has "already started" on his trip around the world. Is this trip a trip of the imagination? Is your boat an actual physical boat or is it a boat made of thoughts and wishes? Jeremy, pumpkin, if you're sitting on a couch in Studio City, you're not sailing around the world. If you dropped acid before your interview, you could be theoretically sailing on a trip, I guess.

(Image via Big Brother Network)

The more I watch Jeremy speak and the longer he keeps his arm up on the back of that couch, the more smug he becomes. I mean, you'd have to be smug to be sitting on a couch saying you're sailing around the world, right? Maybe the couch is atop Aladdin's carpet. Probably.

It turns out that Jeremy is a complete newbie when it comes to Big Brother. He has never watched an episode, but his mom is a superfan. Oh dear, I hope she doesn't read this blog. And if she does, hi Mrs. McGuire. I have a gun pointed to my head making me write mean things. Obviously, you cannot hold that against me in any way, shape or form. Laters!

While inside the house, Jeremy will definitely miss his freedom, but he is grateful for the break from technology. What sort of blasphemous heathen is this guy? That's crazy talk right there. Despite Jeremy's one or two eyebrow raising comments, he is basically a giant bore. I don't think he has any idea whatsoever what his mother got him into and I'm willing to bet he'll start lacing her calcium supplements with arsenic the second he gets out of the house. It was nice knowing you Mrs. McGuire.

So, what do we think of Jeremy? Is he a smug douche or a trippy hippy touching the clouds? Does he know Aladdin personally? Comment it out, bitches!

You know you want to watch the Live Feeds right alongside Mrs. McGuire, don't you?

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Howard: "I Love God"

Meet 29 year old Howard Overby from Hattiesburg, MS. Howard is a Youth Counselor and thinks his "realness" is what caught the attention of producers. He also describes himself as intellectual and a Southern Gentlemen. That's nice and all, but how is that going to entertain me?

Howard loves people and claims he has a big spirit about him. I, on the other hand, hate people and the only spirit I want about me are the ones I see on Long Island Medium. I don't know, when you describe yourself and someone who is so intoxicating and friendly and warm and all the rest of that crap, chances are you are probably nothing like that. People that are truly warm and loving and infectious don't announce it. Hey, if it's a dream you have for yourself, great! But put on your Dream Board so I don't have to hear about it.

Continuing on, Howard loves God. Jesus Christ. He also wants to play the game morally and be the first African American to win Big Brother. Morality and Big Brother simply don't mix. It is similar to what Oscar Wilde once said about books, "There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. That is all." Let us apply this philosophy to Big Brother. There is no such as a moral player. The player is either successful or unsuccessful. That is all. So stuff your morality in a sack and just play the damn game, Howard.

Strategically, Howard plans to rely a lot on the social aspect of the game. And then he tells us he's a minority. A few times. I don't see how that's relevant or even an issue and, like religion, race is best left outside the game. Chances are the house won't be filled with a bunch of white supremacists so I think Howard will do just fine if he plays smart... which I think is a long shot. If right out of the gate, your focus is on race, you'll be in trouble. On the upside, we might get a heated argument out of it. Yessss! Remember when Chima kept calling Russell a terrorist? I looooved that. My loins are quivering just thinking about it.

Early on in the game, Howard plans to go after HOH. He not shy about power - I can respect this - because he sees himself as a threat so why not get some power if you can. And now we get into something interesting. Howard wants to use his power (HOH, POV) to do politicking. Instead of waiting for people to approach him, he wants to be the one to approach others. I'd actually like to see how that pans out. Despite all of his moral bullshit, Howard is not unintelligent and has clearly thought about how he plans to play the game. The problem is that he could be really boring. I'm undecided on that because I'm still wondering to myself how much of what he is saying is simply for the cameras. I have no doubt he'll try to keep it together and stay calm whilst inside the house, but something tells me, if provoked, he could explode and that I'd love to see.

So, what do we think of Howard? Is there a bad boy just dying to get out? Will he make everything a race issue or will he simply play the game? Do we have Bible readings in our future?Comment it out, bitches!

If Howard does lose the plot, you'll definitely want to watch it all go down!

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Helen: The Overachieving Asian

And now we meet 37 year old Helen Kim. At 37, she is by far the oldest Houseguest we've seen yet. And look at that, she is actually from my neck of the woods - Northern Virginia. Helen is married and works as a political consultant. I don't like to be stereotypical (rrrright), but I'm going to go out on a limb and say she's the "Overachieving Asian". Hey, I watched Joe Schmo, I'm allowed to say that.

17 seconds into her video and I nailed it! She was itching to chat before the interviewer even finished asking the question. She's poised and confident and so far is the only person to look directly into the camera. Helen is a tiny wisp of a girl with a LOT to say. A whole hell of a lot. If you looked at her and said the word "The", she'd be off and running... "The second time I was pregnant I was on bed rest and, let me tell you, that wasn't fun. Speaking of things not fun, I had this disease and it hurt a lot so now I have a high threshold of pain. Seriously, I do. Go ahead, stab me in the leg. I totally won't feel it. You don't have a knife? Here, I have one in my purse. I also have bungee cords, kleenex, and celery sticks so let me know if you need anything..." She's totally still talking. I just got tired of typing.

Helen is likable. I mean, there's not much to dislike here or make fun of, but I do think that she will be perceived as an enormous threat. She's highly intelligent, articulate and is a definite go-getter. She'll fill a leader role rather than being a follower. But can she last? I doubt it. Even though you can stick a shish kabob skewer up her nose and she won't feel it, she also describes herself as a wimp which makes me think she'll be pretty damn awful in Challenges.

On the other hand, she's pretty fearless when it comes to being nominated and says people probably don't deserve to win if they haven't been on the block at least once. Interesting. And that's definitely something I've never heard before. I think Helen could be compelling to watch. She might be one of those who is always strategizing, always planning. If she shuts her trap and keeps all that strategy on the down low, she could do well.

I definitely wouldn't expect any controversy from this chick though. She has a husband, kids, a job, a reputation, and a bunch of other things I can't remember that she said. The point is, she intends to play "clean" and, while she's perfectly nice, I don't think I can respect that. I want name calling and fists balled in anger not a mom with a good head on her shoulders.

So, what do we think of Helen? Will her mouth talk her right out the door? Will she be flitting from room to room making alliances and sub-alliances with everyone she crosses paths with? Comment it out, bitches!

Go ahead and click below. I dare you.

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GinaMarie: "Crack A Few Skulls!"

Next up is 32 year old Pageant Coordinator GinaMarie Zimmerman from Brooklyn, NY. GinaMarie's favorite Houseguests are Will and Mike. Finally! Someone who didn't say Jeff, Rachel or Dan. Perhaps I could like this GinaMarie. Let us learn more about her.

I actually did a quick google search on Miss GinaMarie yesterday when those names were leaked and the Pageant Coordinator gig must be new because my research tells me that she also likes to pose with machinery. Good for her.

Now, one website said she's from Brooklyn, but GinaMarie says Staten Island. Basically, all you need to know is that she tawks like this and could totally be on Mob Wives. And the more she talks and smiles, the more I think I could like this girl. There's something very Edie Falco about her and you know I'm a whore for some Nurse Jackie. Plus, she apparently sent casting a whacky video in which she killed zombies. Excellent. Much better than a YouTube clip of "I should be in the Big Brother house because... blah blah blah." Points for creativity, GinaMarie.

GinaMarie is stoked to be in the cast and her enthusiasm is palpable. She has an outgoing personality and a confidence that I can appreciate. You know what, guys? I think I like her. How great would it be if she teamed up with Amanda and they tore through the house like the tough chicks I'm hoping they are?

Nurse Jackie looks forward to the competitive aspect of the game since she regularly likes to push herself both mentally and physically. As far as strategy goes, she wants to get to know everyone first before she jumps into an alliance. She needs to suss out who she can talk to and who she trust before making any real commitments to other people. Her plan for the the first few weeks is to lay low and keep a target off her back. I have a feeling that once she's in the house and realizes that the game is all around her, she'll start playing much quicker than she anticipated.

Normally, GinaMarie is very loving and nice, but if she has to she has no qualms about "cracking a few skulls" while in the house. OK, it's official. I like her. She's tough, level-headed, confident and careful. There is definitely a hint of a bad girl in her where you know, you just know, that homegirl will throw down if she has to and yank out a weave or two.

So, what do we think of GinaMarie? Do you guys dig her like I do? Comment it out, bitches!

No more lollygagging! Click and get those live feeds!

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Elissa: Not Again

Oh Jesus Christ. It's HER. The one I want no part of. The one I intend to immediately dislike on name recognition alone. That's right, this is Elissa Slater and she has the unfortunate nightmare of being Rachel Reilly's sister. Elissa is married, has pooped out some kids and works as a Nutritionist. But I only need look at that face to know she will be the bane of my existence all summer long.

Elissa is also an Internationally Certified Yoga Instructor. Why is this important? Well, if you know anything about me then you know that if I'm not watching Pretty Wicked Moms or writing about crap reality TV then I'm probably hanging out in Eka Pada Rajakapotasana trying to find my inner peace. Clearly, the Fates have a fucked up sense of humor because all I've ever wanted was a yogini in the house to delight me with yogic tales of wonder and inspirational transitions and this is what I get. THIS! A Reilly!

Let me tell you something about being an "Internationally Certified Yoga Instructor". All that means is that you got your certification - 200 hours of yoga - and sent a check to the International Yoga Federation for $165 and voila! You are internationally certified.

(Image via Big Brother Network)

Even if Elissa wasn't related to that duck-billed platypus, I'd still dislike her. Her mouth smiles but her eyes don't. She drags out consonants like nails on a chalkboard... "I could definnnitely winnn in onnne seasonnnnnnnnnn." Her manner of speaking is very Rachel Zoe. Remember how the innocent valley girl "Oh my god" morphed into the possessed gremlin "Eeu ma guh" in the last season of The Rachel Zoe Project? Well, Elissa talks like that ALL THE TIME! It's guttural and scrapy. Phony and cheap.

As far as the game goes, Elvira thinks her social savviness will score her winning points with the cast. And in reference to her sister, well, she plans on keeping that a secret from the other Houseguests. Who does this girl think she's fooling? The resemblance between the two is uncanny. Not so much in photos, but the second you see Elvira talk and move and gesture and bug out her eyes, there is no mistaking that this chick is a Reilly. I'll bet everyone figures out who she is before the live show. Actually, I'll go further than that. I'll bet everyone figures out who she is by the end of today.

Strategy wise, Elvira thinks that alliances are important. Tell me more, Yoda. Elvira also isn't above lying and backstabbing to get herself to the end. While I usually appreciate this sort of candor and wickedness, she's still Rachel Reilly's sister and I will never get past that. In all honesty, this hereditary fact is both a gift and a curse for Elvira. The Rachel fans will love her with no questions asked and the rest of the sane people (like myself) will hate her for the blood that runs through her veins. That's just the way it is and there is no getting around it.

Now here is something VERY interesting. Elvira is asked if she will try win competitions or throw them. Her reply made me spit up my gin. She says that since the twist is a "No floater season", she probably won't throw competitions except for the first one. OK, hang on. How does she know what the twist is? In the other videos I've watched, the other Houseguests are keeping their strategies loose because of the fact that they DON'T KNOW THE TWIST. What's going on here? I call bullshit. Kick her out. Now.

The one thing she has a handle on better than her sister is the social aspect of the game. She weighs social and physical equally and wants both to be reason she wins. While I somewhat agree, I still don't like her. I can't. If she works a miracle and changes my mind, I'll be the first one to admit it, but I'm not holding my breath.

So, what do you guys think of Elvira? Does she have a snowball's chance in hell keeping that genetic travesty a secret? Does her voice scrape across the inside of your skull like it does with me? Comment it out, bitches!

Do I still have to ask if you've gotten your Live Feeds yet?

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Thursday, June 20, 2013

David: "Uh, My Personality."

This is David and he looks like an enormous douchebag. David Girton is a 25 year old Lifeguard and his favorite Houseguest is Jeff (see my previous comment about him being an enormous douchebag). When you look at that hair and know he's a Lifeguard, I'll bet you think he talks like Spicoli and rides through life on his own melt. Well, you would be absolutely correct. David is the apex of the stereotypical surfer. Look up surfer in the dictionary and that douchey picture above will be staring back at you. It is SO uncanny that it's almost funny. Almost.

In the off season of rubbing zinc oxide of his nose and checking out gnarly chicks in bikinis, David unapologetically sits around and collects unemployment. He goes with the flow and flies by the seat of his pants. Basically, he's super lazy.

David is going on Big Brother to let America get inside of who he is. He's the class clown we're all supposed to care about for some reason. Have I mentioned that throughout his entire interview he looked bored, bothered, sleepy and probably a little high? It is almost as if he is annoyed that he has to be there. Sorry we're bothering you, David. Want to take a nap?

When asked what David will miss while he's in the Big Brother house, he replied, "The beach, fer sure." And what he won't miss? "Reality." Remember, it's summer which means that David probably has to keep an eye on toddlers playing in the surf instead of sitting at home taking bong hits and collecting his checks from the government. That "reality" is a bitch indeed.

Let us switch gears and analyze David's cutthroat strategic plans, shall we? David, what do you think will carry you to the end of this game? After a long pause where his eyes glaze over, David finally replies, "Uh, my personality." And there you have it. Hey, he could be a freaking genius. I mean, look at Hayden. He had no personality, zero charisma and dandruff for brain cells and he won himself $500,000. It could happen to anyone.

Let's not mince words, David is a moron. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be the man candy this season or what, but he's definitely not. He's a carpet fiber is what he is.

So, what do you folks think of David? Will he stay awake long enough to compete in anything? Is his "I don't care" attitude a stroke of genius? Comment it out, bitches!

No more slacking, slackers. Click and get your Live Feeds!

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Candice: World Peace

Next up is 29 year old Candice Stewart. She currently lives in Texas, but I happened to google Candice earlier and stumbled upon the fact that she was Miss Louisiana at one point. I'm guessing the pageant world is a thing of the past because today she works as a Pediatric Speech Therapist. Is it evil that I immediately want her to have a lisp?

(Image via Big Brother Network)

Sadly, Candice does not have a lisp, but she does talk like she's answering questions as if a sash and crown were on the line. She also does that thing that Madonna does where she closes her eyes as she's talking to you. When people do that, you know they have incredibly high self-esteem. They can't be bothered to look away and they're above looking down so they'd rather just look at the inside of their eyelids instead. Actually, Andy did it quite a bit too. High self-esteem isn't a bad thing at all, but talking to your eyelids is and it makes me insane!

Moving on, Candice is very proud of the life she's lived. She's been a cheerleader, Miss Louisiana (told you!) and discovered she was adopted when she was 26 years old. Plus, she has the brains, beauty and personality to win the $500,000 - her words, not mine. Look, she lives on a cloud and believes everything someone (probably her mother) told her at some point in her life. And now she's entitled, unabashedly confident and really really annoying. I'm thinking she might be one of the early ones out. I can't see anyone in the house being friends with this girl, let alone trusting her. There is a phoniness there I can't get past and I attribute it all to her pageant training. It's like she's always on.

As far as game goes, Candice thinks that her "diverse personality" will get her far because she's biracial. Yes, you read that correctly. Because Candice is biracial, she has experienced different cultures and that, in turn, makes her cultured and diverse. Oh give me a break. Traveling all over the world and immersing yourself makes you cultured not the color of your skin. What a twit.

Strategy wise, she'll wait and hear what the twist is before she "thinks really quick on [her] feet." In the meantime though, she'll focus on being an "enjoyable person" because that not only gets you far in the game, but far in life.

If you have any other questions about Candice, all of the answers are "World Peace". That's all you need to know - World Peace.

So, what do you think of Candice? Do you believe anything she says? Her posture is marvelous though, isn't it? Comment it out, bitches!

Candice may be a big phony, but the Live Feeds sure aren't!

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Andy: "You Know What? Why Not!"

And this brings us to our first man of the house, Andy Herren. Andy is a 26 year old Professor from Illinois which means it shouldn't surprise you that is favorite Houseguest is Ragan. It also may or may not surprise you that Andy is gay. He hasn't told me that, but I turned on the video and jumped to that conclusion myself in about 0.6 seconds. Usually, I love every gay Houseguest right out of the gate. And then I saw a handful of Big Brother Canada episodes and was exposed to a nightmare called Gary. So let's get to know Andy for himself, shall we?

During the day, Andy is a Professor, but at night, when the city comes alive, he performs improv comedy in downtown Chicago. This is both good and bad. It is good because he's not shy nor is he afraid to put himself out there. It is bad because he talks like he's hosting Access Hollywood all the time! "Buuuuut, I work... as a... PUBLIC speakING Professor. At a college in the suburbs of Chicago." And then he nodded his head like we all know what that's like. Oh, suburban college, right! Totally. I know how that can be. The daily grind. *yuk yuk yuk* He's the kind of guy who nudges you in the ribs and then waits with his eyebrows raised for you to agree with him. Basically, he's too schooled. He's too practiced. He's too game-hosty for my taste. The intonations are going to kill me, I know it.

So how did Andy get here? Well, one day he auditioned for Big Brother on a lark. The casting people were in town so he threw caution (and probably a lacy handkerchief) into the wind and said, "You know what? Why not!" Why not, indeed.

His enthusiasm is exhausting. Like, for real. He repeatedly describes himself as "whacky" while tossing out some jazz hands. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those happy people who smiles all the time instead of scowls, but then I see how annoying they are and I begin to feel really really good about myself. So thanks for that, Andy. I'm not as annoying as you are. See! Already you're turning me into a glass half full type of gal.

While his interview persona is very annoying, I'll reserve judgment on Andy. He may surprise me. You never know.

So, what do you guys think of Andy? Did you make it past 2 minutes in his interview? I didn't. I'm putting it off for when I'm really feeling lousy about myself. Comment it out, bitches!

Feeds, Feeds, Jazz Hands, Feeds!

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Amanda: "I Love That Torture!"

Next up is 28 year old Real Estate Agent Amanda Zuckerman. Amanda is from Long Island, NY and has enormous breasts. Even I can't take my eyes off of them. Sights, smells, sounds, textures all blur together into two bountiful bosoms as the sound of a motorboat whizzes through my mind. Get ready fellas, I see a broken bikini strap in your futures!

She's much prettier in person than in the above photograph, but what I like best about Amanda is how she defines herself as "inappropriate". Come to mama, Amanda. Tune in Tokyo! Inappropriateness lends itself to an entire summer of runny streams of verbal diarrhea. According to Amanda, she thinks that this quality alone is the reason she got cast. She promises to delight us with endless sound bytes, silly spats and, most definitely, tons of regret. I like her already. As most of you know by now after years and years of my endless bitching, all I ask is to be entertained. Can Amanda deliver? Let's hope so.

As far as Big Brother goes, Amanda considers herself to be a moderate fan. She has been gung ho about some seasons and other seasons, not so much. But what she loves most about Big Brother is how the show let's "rats loose in a cage" and then watches as they all eat each other. She loves everything about the process and, most especially, she "loves that torture!" Keep it up, Amanda. You're doing well.

As far as the game goes, Amanda is a great listener and thinks that this will help her relate to people in the house. Just the other day, a stranger kidnapped her and whisked her off to a lonely hotel room. By the end of their travels together, she knew everything about her kidnapper and could probably, most definitely, pick him out of a line up.

Amanda is counting on twists in the house to shake up her strategy, but for the most part she plans to be neutral and everyone's friend in the beginning. After a few weeks of sniffing out her prey, she'll reveal her talons and strike. She must watch a lot of Dateline like I do because I'm pretty sure that's what serial killers and child predators do when stalking their victims.

You know what? I like her. I do. She's pretty, funny, down to earth, could be a serial killer and have I mentioned her breasts? What's not to love! I know I've only watched two videos so far, but I'm calling Amanda my early favorite.

So, what do you guys think of Amanda? Are you as enchanted as I am? Have you been making sucking noises this entire time? Comment it out bitches!

And get those Live Feeds already!

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Aaryn: "The Most Fun Ever, Duh!"

Here we go... down into the abyss. Never to be seen in the sunshine again. Pasty, gaunt, suffering from the Scurvy... Whoopsie! Wrong opening. That was meant for a week from now. Today we are here to meet the horrible people we will waste an entire summer on. Are you ready? Of course you are. Let's go!

First up is Aaryn Gries. Aaryn is a 22-year old college student from Texas. Her favorite Houseguests are Janelle, Rachel, Britney and Frank which means she's a miserable person with highly questionable tastes. When asked why she wanted to enter the Big Brother house, Aaryn replied, "Because it looks like the most fun ever. Duh!" And then she giggled and farted out a hairball. She's a doll.

Aaryn isn't just a pretty face, mind you, she is also a deep thinker with lots of profound musings that I'm sure will delight us for weeks to come. For example, one of Aaryn's deep thoughts is, "When you're by yourself, you learn things about yourself!" Put away the Nietzsche, the Descartes, the Plato. Go on, throw them on the fire. We've got Aaryn to guide us now. And aren't we are all a little bit grateful for that?

In addition to reading fortune cookies and applying them to her daily life, Aaryn can also read people very well. And this, she feels, will hurtle her through the summer and into one of those final two chairs. Basically, don't be surprised if she takes a Sharpie to the other HG's freckles and starts forming letters as she plays connect the dots.

You should also know that this ruthless gum ball will do anything she has to in order to win. She'll burn the clothes off her back, take a chum bath every hour for 24 hours and eat slop for a whole week. Maybe even for a month! If a slop diet promises her a better bikini body in 30 days, she'll totally do it. Just don't ask her to shave her head though. Not gonna happen.

In summary, Aaryn isn't exactly the charismatic dynamo I was hoping for. She's kind of a bore and has a nervous habit of giggling at the end of every single damn thing she says. She thinks she's smarter than she is which could be fun for us at home. As Oscar Wilde once said, "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

So, what do you think of Aaryn? Does she have the lady balls and a duplicitous mind to play a cunning game or will she trot out on out the door in the first weeks? Comment it out bitches!

And get those Live Feeds already!

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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

A World Of Laughter, A World Of Tears

Inspired by the 1964 New York's World Fair, Scott Storey (Big Brother Production Designer) is always a stone's throw, a leap, and a few thousand leagues under the sea behind the trends. Last year he horrified us with 'Tokyo Poop' - a cheap polyester neon 1980's interpretation of a 1990's fashion movement. That shit was Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S! I'll bet Storey is the type of guy who reads Sassy Magazine wondering what the kids will be wearing tomorrow. Naturally, I expect Big Brother 16 to be Shabby Chic.

(Talitha Getty's home in Marrakesh was THE place to be in the 60's.)

Nonetheless! We have a new house to discuss so let's get to it. For Big Brother 15 we are whisked back to the swanky 60's... kind of. Let's face it - Storey has just now discovered a "new" show called Mad Men (on Netflix) and the BB15 house is the result. Lacking the sophistication of David Hicks or Dorothy Draper, Storey shuns the patterns and textures of Morocco and India preferred by the younger generation in favor of a more bold, graphic, space race-y modernistic influence. Think Jetsons as opposed to Talitha Getty.

Let's begin in the Living Room. Notice anything strange? No nomination chairs! What could this possibly mean? Three nominees perhaps? No nominees? Sixteen strangers trapped in a house with no hope of escape?

And if we move around the corner to the Dining Area, we'll discover a much warmer kitchen area - a stark contrast to the sterile white institutional travesty of BB14. The Norman Cherner inspired stools at the kitchen counter are more 1950's than 60's, but who's nitpicking? The rich tones, iconic World's Fair globe and the whimsical wallpaper is a vast improvement over the poopfest of last season.

Continuing in the kitchen area, we find a circular counter and an actual island. From this angle it looks smaller, but the island is a nice addition breaking up the space that had been left empty for way too long.

Some people might be confused by the "It's a Small World After All" themed bedroom, but in actuality, "It's a Small World" made its debut as an installation at the 1964 World's Fair. Most notable about the room are the double beds. Personally, I'd like everyone to sleep in one big huge room like they do in the UK, but I guess bed sharing is the next best thing.

And here we have the more masculine "Eames Room". Eames, of course, of the famous Eames Chair. The Eames Chair is featured on the back wall with the Eames Ottoman on the right. I don't hate this room with its softer more muted colors than what we're used to. Again, we're seeing the double beds. So far I'm counting only six beds total (not including HOH and Have-Not). Six beds with doubling up equals 12 people. 12 people plus 1 HOH = 13. 16-13 = 3 Have-Not's? Perhaps not all HG's will have to double up after all. We'll know soon enough.

The Lounge was the only part of the house that I actually liked last year. This year's version is modeled after an airport frequent flyer lounge or the now defunct Christina Ricci vehicle, Pan Am. The wall is funky and time appropriate, but the silver circular couch is doing nothing for me as far as a wow factor. Perhaps it's the silver pillows on the silver cushion.

And now we arrive at my favorite room in the house - the bathroom. I'm all hot and bothered over the sauna theme and the shaggy pillows. Pour some more water on those rocks, bitches! It's very Alpine Chalet Chic and the blood red contrast is perfection. The whole space is inviting and cozy. If it weren't for the occasional stench of shit and other people's hair clinging to the sink bowls, I'd probably spend all my time in here. Quite frankly, I'm surprised the US house came up with it. It's something I'd expect to see over on BBUK.

The HOH room is sleek and void of color with a tres cool LED-lit cityscape on the walls, but what's up with that teeny tiny bed? And upon a second glance, has the entire room shrunk?

Let's venture outdoors to what I think is a sort of lackluster and stark sitting area. While I like the circular couch, I feel like a few more chairs and some side tables would help fill out the space. The sizing here is all wrong. Although, I am pleased to hear that they have finally replaced the lawn. Actually, it probably got up and walked out on its own accord.

In this second angle, we can see more chairs and - oh shit - another hammock. After an entire summer of enduring Ian swinging back and forth on that thing with its infernal squeaks, I'm surprised they once again went with a wooden base. Now all we need is a box of Cheez-Its and my entire summer is ruined.

So there you have it. There is your Big Brother 15 house. How do you like it? Which room is your favorite? Why is that HOH bed not conducive to lovemaking? And what about the mystery of the no nomination chairs? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, NOW is the time. More information is being released everyday and I wouldn't be surprised if CBS offers us exclusive cast content only available via the Live Feeds. Click below! No more lollygagging! You don't get more days if you wait until June 25th. The season is sold as one big golden chunk. So chunk it up already!

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UPDATE: It looks like the loveseat in the Living Room indeed speaks volumes. As I was writing this lovely blog post, CBS announced that for the first time ever, there will be THREE nominees up for eviction. In addition, viewers will be able to vote for an MVP beginning with a pre-premiere vote starting Thursday, June 20th. The MVP will have a secret power that will be announced during the premiere on June 26th. Directly from the Press Release...

“The Big Brother MVP will force the houseguests to rethink their strategies.  With America rewarding good game play, it doesn't pay to be a floater this summer,” said Allison Grodner and Rich Meehan, Executive Producers of BIG BROTHER.

Rrrright. Wishful thinking, Sausage Fingers. America will vote for their favorites and by "America", I mean "cat ladies."