Wednesday, August 10, 2011

You're Fired

Yesterday on Little People, Big World a slow dimwitted hair twirler tried to navigate her way through the weeds of life. It's a big bad world out there and when you've got nothing more than two pebbles in your noggin to rub together, that world can you eat alive. I don't know if it's the ammonium thioglycolate fumes or the public school system in North Carolina, but I'm genuinely frightened and angered by some of the things that leak out of Jordan's mouth. Few things in life anger me (ha!): a fly in my bathtub gin, glitter shortages, DVR conflictions, every other driver in the world, the assholes living on the backlot in Studio City, intolerance, cancer, the fact that prescription medications aren't available in vending machines, men, women, children. But what angers me most of all is stupidity. I'm not a genius, but I know my left from my write. See what I did there? That was a joke, grammar police. No need to alert the sirens. No need to send your armed guards knocking on my door. Calm the fuck down and let's recap, shall we?

The day started off with a puff of smoke and a gurgling digestive tract. Shelly and Kalia are awake, my friends. From what I can tell, it appears as if Shelly slept curled up next to a venom spewing demon person and Kalia slept with a blockage in her intestines. As I am so done with Kalia, let's focus on Shelly instead. Either a necromancer, a soothsayer or a weeble wobble spent the entire night whispering deliciously hateful thoughts into Shelly's subconscious and today she's going to share every single one of those thought with us. *glitter falls from the sky* An angry Shelly is a funny Shelly and a really angry Shelly is a hysterically awesome Shelly. She starts to see things that aren't there. She interprets innocent looks as elaborate plans. The coffee in her veins begins to boil, the smoke in her lungs turns noxious and we all get to reap the naughty benefits.

Innocent, silent, buffoon-y Lawon likes to sink himself into the hammock and soak up some sun. He throws one argyled calf over the side, loosens the giant tie around his neck and closes his eyes behind a pair shiny plastic heart-shaped sunglasses. He sleeps and dreams of corduroy. Visions of giant collars and shiny lapels dance harmlessly in his head. But to Shelly, oh wicked Shelly, Lawon isn't napping in the sun like a lazy golden retriever. Oh no. He's plotting. He's planning. He's spying. He's undercover and gathering intel. Shelly watches from the couch and whispers to others, "Lawon is watching us. He's watching the mirrors. He lies like that so he can spy. His eyes aren't really closed. They're open I tell you. Open!" Calm down Coyote Ugly. I realize you haven't eaten in about a week, but holy paranoia. Lawon is as innocent as a feather. He sways charmingly from side to side. He glides gently in the breeze, but he's something that'll eventually be swept away or stuffed into a pillow and slept on. As nice and as innocent of a person he is, he's not Big Brother material. I'd love to go shopping with him so we can buy giant buttons together, but Lawon is a casting mistake. If he goes home, we won't even know he's gone.

When Shelly is done telling everyone that Lawon is really a secret mastermind plotting their demise, she turns her guillotine tongue to Porsche. You see, Shelly is none too thrilled that Porsche treated herself to more than one piece of ice cream cake after Adam's birthday party. That high maintenance ne'er-do-well is getting fatter by the day and the last thing she needs is more ice cream cake. *bites fist* Shelly whips out the chart she's made documenting the speed at which Porsche's ass is growing and after calling her a flurry of names that include such gems as "Useless" and "Lazy", Devil Shelly shrugs her shoulders and says, "I probably shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry America. I'm sorry that Porsche is greedy little heifer that serves no purpose." Maybe I paraphrased that last part a little bit, but the sentiment is right on. Porsche is getting fatter which, to Shelly, means she's getting fatter with anti-Shelly game play. Those extra calories aren't just dimples on Porsche's ass. They're bumpy little plots of deception and hate. Shelly shuns cellulite like she shuns sunscreen. There's just no place for it in her world.

Shelly isn't all venom and vitriol though. She's also a human resources wizard who can interview the hell out of you if given a chance. When there's hiring to be done, Shelly to the rescue! Outside Jordan is mumbling something about trying to find a job and Shelly decides to help her out by giving her a mock job interview. Shelly may spit acid now and again, but when it comes to customer care and personnel conflict resolution, that ole piece of shoe leather is a pro. Shelly asks Jordan questions like, "What do you think you can bring my company that another applicant can't?", "What do you feel is your greatest weakness?", "Give me an example of how you've solved a problem in the workplace?", etc. Jordan sits wide-eyed and says, "These are adult questions!" Shelly replies, "You're an adult Jordan." Well, let's not get carried away there Slim Shady.

The play continues and Shelly asks, "Is the glass half full or half empty?" Jordan replies, "Huh? I don't get it." *smacks self in head with an iron ball covered in spikes* In all of her twenty some odd years, Jordan has never heard of the glass being half full or half empty. See? Shit like this scares me. It scares me that a person without knowledge of common idioms has a driver's license and is allowed to procreate. It scares me that she's allowed to walk around without a chaperone. I'm frightened she can vote. I'm horrified she can be around other people's children. I think if someone hired Jordan to babysit their kids she'd let them play with ammonia and bleach or some shit like that. There's a chip missing somewhere in her brain and I feel like any decision making she does should be done in front of a highly certified panel of specialists guiding her from point A to point B.

Shelly then asks Jordan, "What do you do when you get home from a job interview?" Jordan replies, "I'd probably walk the dog." Oh. My. God. Come on! Think Jordan, think! Does Shelly really want to know if you'd make yourself dinner, take a shower or walk the dog? No! Shelly is still in manager-mode. She's still teaching. *sigh* The correct answer is that you go home and write the interviewer a thank-you note. Jordan says, "Really? I never thought of that!" Of course you've never thought of that you windbag. Look, the economy sucks, employment is down and if Jordan Lloyd gets hired for a job over you, you should probably kill yourself. Her dream job is working in a dentist's office and, I don't know about you, but having Jordan working in the medical field makes my ass clench. There is no way in hell I'd let that airy idiot clean my teeth. She'd probably scrape my eyeballs by accident and stick a Waterpik up my nose. I'd walk out blind and leaking water. No thank you.

I realize this is more of a rant than a recap, but I didn't really get a chance to watch too much of the feeds yesterday. My apologies. And, you're going to hate this, but I have to go out of town tomorrow and I won't have access to the feeds until Sunday night. I know, I know. Believe me, I know! I'm going to miss all of the Thursday night aftermath and the shitstorm coming this weekend, but I'd like to do direct you to in the meantime. They'll keep you up to date on everything going on in the house. I'll be watching the CBS show and hopefully, fingers crossed, I'll get to catch some BBAD. Other than that, I'll be like one of those sad non-feed people until Sunday relying only on Twitter and my wits to get me through the weekend. I'll be back on Monday and things should remain regular (unlike Kalia's bowels) around here for the rest of August.

I will end this post with my wishes for the coming week: I want Lawon to be evicted and Cassi to come back into the house. I want Daniele to win HOH and for her to nominate Rachel and Jeff. I want Rachel to win POV, Jordan to go on the block and Jeff to go home. Yes, I loathe Rachel with the fire of a thousand suns, but I'm dreaming of a Porsche, Kalia, Daniele and Cassi alliance that'll spar with Rachel 24 hours a day, everyday. I want girl fights and hair pulling, synchronized periods and catty remarks about each other's weight. I'll gather up some hemlock and toad stool and dance naked under the moon tonight. I'll light candles, burn incense and chant in Ancient Enochian before I head out. If The Fates love me at all, they'll make this happen. Until then, be well, be safe, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Wonderful Wizard Of Leather

Once upon a time in a land made of marshmallows and pork rinds lived a giant curly-haired beast. Also in this magical land lived an evil queen, a bitch princess, a homophobic prince, a court jester, a cranky peasant girl and a smattering of others. But, over on a hilltop in the distance, past the licorice forest, across the caramel river and a stone's throw from the town's only tobacco plantation lived a great and powerful wizard. From atop her smoke covered hill, the leathery wizard looked down on the townspeople while shaking her Meg Ryan coif back and forth with both amusement and disdain. The townspeople were nice enough. Well, except for the evil queen. But they weren't too bright. They fought over things like looks and words and photographs and when they fought their voices would carry up over the fields of potato chips and through the licorice forest gnawing at the wizard day in and day out. The migraines the townspeople gave her left her with only one logical choice: Kill the townspeople - every single last one of them. I'm not sure if many of you know this, but even in fairy tales a mystical land has its own laws and prison system. So the wizard would have to be clever. She'd have to figure out a way for the townspeople to kill each other and bring about their own demise. In her heart of hearts, the wizard knew that the beast would be one to start the civil war. High on power and drunk on fame, the beast had enough insecurity issues to rival National Geographic. "Yes," the wizard thought to herself. "I'll go talk to the beast and get my peace and quiet once and for at all." And so it was. Let's recap, shall we?

What started off an innocent Sunday ended in a giant clusterfuck of madness. Rachel awoke with a chip on her shoulder and a furl in her lip. She's been to the Diary Room over and over and over again and she thinks she's figured out the mystery twist that Julie Chen mentioned last Thursday. Clearly, it's a power that allows people whose names start with 'R' to reenter the game. Once back in the game, this 'R' person, loved by America mind you, will be given a fifth Golden Key and will be able to evict any and all people she deems unworthy as she sails her way to $500,000. Yes Rachel, that's exactly what the power is. For the rest of the day, over and over again, ad nauseum, Rachel will tell her power theories to everyone she encounters.

Her first victims of the day are Jeff & Jordan. Out in the backyard Rachel tells J&J that maybe she'll go to Daniele and apologize. Maybe some crocodile tears will earn her Daniele's trust back. Jeff & Jordan look at each other and in not so many words mumble, "Ain't gonna happen." As Rachel refuses to take no for an answer, she explains how she thinks Daniele will certainly fall for a fake apology. Rachel cries, "There's a fifth Golden Key out there dammit and I want it!" Jeff tells her to calm down and says, "Let's not get carried away here."

Not getting what she wants from Jeff & Jordan, Rachel storms inside the house looking for another victim to torture. She finds Porsche in the Tarot Room clutching her abdomen and waiting for the two measly Midol the DR gave her to kick in. A note here to women: Advil, Midol, Tylenol, Pamprin, etc. don't do shit! The only cure for cramps starts with Oxy and ends in Contin. Not everyone has face melting cramps, but for those of us who do it is a seriously serious problem. To the three men who read this blog: imagine a meat grinder - one of those old timey ones with a hand crank - grinding away at your internal organs at the base of your stomach. That's what cramps are like, so the next time your woman has them - LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Ok, so anyhow, Porsche is in pain and in walks Rachel. Grrrreat. Porsche tries to shoo her away by saying that she really doesn't want to get involved with Rachel's drama right now. Girlfriend, I hear ya. If Rachel came knocking on my door during my meat grinding day, I'd rip her head off with my own bare hands and use her eyeballs for ping pongs. Actually, I'd probably do that on a non-meat grinding day as well.

Rachel interprets Porsches', "Please go away" as "Why yes, come in and make yourself comfortable. Pretty please tell me all about how sad you are." Rachel tells Porsche that it sucks for her in the house right now because when you stick up for people you expect them to console you when your fiance is so cruelly ripped away from you. Rachel says that she thanked Porsche repeatedly for voting to keep Brendon, but Porsche failed to give her the attention and symathetic looks she felt she deserved. Porsche sighs and says that for someone who calls herself such a "competitor", she naturally assumed Rachel would be grounded enough to be able to separate the game from her life. *bites fist* Offended, Rachel says that no one can separate the two. Porsche keeps telling Rachel it's just a game and she'll see Brendon again. It's not like he's dead. Rachel starts to get a little unnerved as she begins to launch thinly veiled accusations in Porsche's direction. Lazy eyed and unflinching, Porsche is unphased. Rachel tries to incriminate Porsche and Porsche pretty much replies with something tantamount to, "Get over it."

Now, I can see what Rachel is doing. She never leaves a conversation unless she gets what she wants. In this case, she wants Porsche to admit that she was wrong for not worrying day and night about Rachel's well being. My favorite part of the conversation was when Rachel was expressing how awful it is to have her fiance ripped from her and torn out of her soul. Porsche lifts one finger and says, "Hold that thought. I have to go check on my cupcakes." Rachel's face read, "Oh no she di-in't!"and at home I clapped and giggled. After what seemed like an eternity, Porsche returns and Rachel picks up right where she left off. Her fiance was torn away from her yadda yadda yadda. Porsche says, "You had to know you two would be separated at some point." Rachel replies that she truly thought they'd make it to the end together. Porsche yawns and tells Rachel she has the rest of her life to spend with Brendon and that she's making all of this much more dramatic than it needs to be. She advises Rachel to stop going around the house all pissed off at everyone. Making more enemies won't do her any favors over the coming weeks. Then Rachel begins to talk about the magical fifth Golden Key power for people whose names start with 'R'. At that point, I had to go check on my own cupcakes.

Over in the bathroom, a child molester has just entered the house. You see, Adam is shaving his chin pubes for this 40th birthday and now he looks like a guy who cruises by school yards in a van with no windows. Everyone is shocked by how creepy he looks, but they cover it up with, "Sure, yeah, that looks great. You look like a grown up now." Jeff, in particular, is freaked out and he names the New Adam "Phillip". Phillip wears clip-on ties, carries a briefcase and has a 9-5 job. I'm not so sure I agree with Jeff. I think Phillip is building an underground prison for young boys and has a red dot on his house at that Family Watchdog website.

Since it's makeover day in the Big Brother house, Daniele is dyeing her roots upstairs in the HOH. Stomp, stomp, stomp... in walks Rachel. She's crying, she's apologizing, she's begging for forgiveness. It's a desperate girl saying desperate things. Daniele listens to what Rachel has to say and then tells her that Rachel took out Daniele's number one ally: Dominic. Naturally, she was going to go after Brendon in retaliation. Rachel starts up again with her fiance being ripped from her loins and torn from her arms. She says, "I get that I took Dominic away from you, but you took away the love of my life."*gags* Daniele tells her that none of it is personal. It's all part of the game. She knows Rachel will never believe her, but she's really not in the house to hurt people. She's there to play. "But my fianceeeeee... ripped... torn.... my heart is broken." *stabs ear with a very large golf umbrella*

Rachel continues, but she does it in her very own "Rachel Way". I swear she's the only person in the world who can apologize and make accusations all in one breath. She's pretty much doing to Daniele exactly what she did to Porsche earlier. The apology is the fluff part. What she really wants is for Daniele to repent and admit she was wrong for tearing her fiance out of her arms for the rest of time. Possibly in an effort to get Rachel to shut up, Daniele gives it to her straight. She tells Rachel that she had no choice but to win HOH and go after her and Brendon. Had she lost, Rachel would have put her on the block and she knows it. Rachel mumbles, "Well, yeah." Daniele says she had to do whatever she could to protect herself. This entire time she's been protecting Brenchel and acting on their behalf, but once they betrayed her she knew she could never trust them again. Rachel responds, "He was ripped! He was torn! I'm all alone." *smacks self in head with an axe*

It's an endless conversation that goes in circles and circles. Rachel is hurt. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel apologizes. Daniele is playing the game. Brendon was ripped from Rachel's arms. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel is heartbroken. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel thinks a fifth Golden Key especially made for people whose names start with 'R' will save her for eternity. Annnd, that's my cue. I'm done with this conversation.

Outside Jeff & Phillip are smoking and talking about this week's renoms. Phillip says he doesn't want to go on the block and Jeff tells him that if either he or Shelly goes up, they'll be safe. Phillip still doesn't want to go up and mentions that Lawon actually volunteered to go up. (I missed that so I have no idea if it's true. Lawon may have said it in a convo with Adam, but I don't think it was anything official) Bitch Jordan comes out and asks why would Lawon do that. Adam tells her that Lawon thinks he has the votes to stay. The group talks about how the votes could switch and Lawon could end up getting evicted. Bitch Jordan says, "Oh my god, that would be hysterical."

It's at this point where I did a little soul searching of my own. What if Lawon went on the block and went home? Cassi or Dominic would most certainly reenter the game if that happened. If Rachel gets evicted, I think there's a 99.9% chance she'll return anyways soooo... why not? Why not get rid of someone like Lawon and stir up a little shit with a Cassi or a Dominic? I hate the idea of Rachel not getting evicted. I hate the smugness and gloating that will undoubtedly follow. I hate the "I told you so" looks she'll throw in Daniele's direction BUT (and this is a big Kalia butt) all of that hate could be wiped out with one "Hey y'all!" from Cassi. Rachel's head would spin around, she'd start speaking in tongues and buckets of pig's blood would fall out of the sky and land on her head. I could fall in love with something like that.

The feeds go down for Adam's party and when they return there's a whiff of mischief in the air. I click from room to room to see if the HG's are drunk or at least on sugar high, but I find nothing. Then, with a crrrrrreak crrrrrreak, I hear the hammock swinging back and forth. What in the sam hell is Kalia doing in the hammock with Shelly?! I'll tell you what: Kalia is getting mindfucked like she's never been mindfucked before. All along I've been saying that Shelly is one to watch out for. Reluctantly, I read all of your comments and I see that it's not a popular stance t0 back a chimney like Shelly, but I stand by it. Shelly is a force to be reckoned with.

Ok so Kalia and Shelly are in the hammock and the conversation starts out with how Kalia really never intended to send Jeff home. She sincerly wanted him to win POV. She made a promise (a dumbass promise if you ask me) a while ago to never nominate Jordan and she's sticking to that promise. Kalia thinks that there's no way she can ever earn Jeff & Jordan's trust again. Plus, Jeff is really hotheaded and won't listen to reason. She brings up the Dumbledore thing and says she didn't like being bullied by someone with such anger issues. Shelly nods quietly and puffs silently. Kalia's words whirl around inside of her head and suddenly... an idea begins to take shape.

Shelly tells Kalia that she really needs to watch out for Porsche. She says that everything Kalia says to Porsche, Porsche turns around and tells the other side of the house. Shelly claims that she's even planted a few stories with Porsche herself. She wanted to see how much they'd change before they came around back to her again. They conversation turns catty as they both mock Porsche for thinking she can win America's Favorite. Shelly makes little snide remarks about how close Porsche is to Daniele now and you know, you just know, that that makes Kalia insane with jealousy. Keep in mind Kalia watches Daniele bathe and brushes her hair for her. Seeing her cozying up to Porsche these past few days can't be sitting well with Ms. Kalia.

Shelly then says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Hey, what about this? You put up Porsche and since someone is coming back into the game anyways, Porsche will still get to play but you'll gain Rachel, Jeff and Jordan as allies in the process." Shelly tells her all she has to do is get Rachel to swear on Brendon's life that she won't go after Kalia and voila! Kalia has mended some fences and built herself an army of vets. Shelly adds that she might anger Daniele and Lawon, but it'll get the others in the house to stop seeing Kalia as Daniele's puppet. *stands and applauds* Fuck me. First off, it's an insane plan that will in no way benefit Kalia. Secondly, KALIA ACTUALLY FALLS FOR IT!!! She tells Shelly she thinks it's a good idea and that she'll meet with Daniele later to discuss it.

Shelly puts out her cigarette, hitches up her jeans and does a cowboy saunter over to the couch. She stretches out her bony limbs, reaches into her pants pocket for another smoke and smiles. She just sits and smiles. Coyote Ugly served a magical bowl of bullshit and Kalia, being a hungry gal, ate every single last bite. Un-believable. Rachel has been working her fingers to the bone to stay in this game, but with one weirdly webbed tapestry of cockamamie wizardry, Shelly achieves what Rachel couldn't in under an hour.

Up in the HOH, Kalia cautions Daniele that she probably won't like what she's about to hear, but she needs to trust her. This is their "key to the city". She outlines The Shelly Plan to Daniele and Daniele stares blankly back refusing to believe what her ears are telling her she's hearing. Kalia explains how Porsche isn't trustworthy and that how this move will benefit them both in the end. Daniele looks Kalia straight in the eye and says she will never trust Rachel in this game. She will never put her life in Rachel's hands. Kalia tells her that the DR told her someone is coming back into the game. Daniele is deaf to Kalia's explanations. Her only response is, "I can't believe you're changing this up." This move that Kalia thinks is so brilliant for her (which it isn't) is a virtual nightmare for Daniele. Daniele has a flimsy alliance to begin but this, THIS, fucks up her entire game even more. They bicker back and forth where Kalia tries to make her case and Daniele points out she's being an idiot. Daniele finally tells Kalia she's been wishy-washy throughout this entire game and it's painfully obvious that her need to have a friendship with Jeff & Jordan is overshadowing everything else.

Here's what's going on: Kalia is insanely insecure. The bravado, the flipping, the need to please - it's all insecurity. For it to be that easy for Shelly to convince her to change up her entire game plan is ludicrous. While I'm worried about Daniele at the end of all of this, Kalia deserves to go down. I hope Rachel, Jeff or Jordan wins HOH and Kalia is sent home on the next train to Jury Town. I want a week where Kalia is all tears, regret, stress eating, farting, belching. I want all of it. Just when Kalia was starting to show some promise, she self-sabotages herself like I'm sure she's done with everything else in her life. Insecure people do that. They're scared of success.

Meanwhile, downstairs Shelly is whispering to Jeff about how Kalia is actually falling for her plan. Jeff is beside himself with excitement. He can't believe what he's hearing. He wants to go up and talk to Kalia as soon as possible to let her know that they'll be super besties if this all goes down. He tells Kalia that this was a bad week anyways to get rid of a strong player because of the whole twist thing. Kalia says that maybe there's a way to for them all to be friends again. Jeff tells her that if she puts Porsche on the block, they'll hug it out and talk.

Jeff skips down to the HOH to fill Jordan in on the plan. He's all smiles and excitement while Bitch Jordan rolls her eyes and says there's no way Kalia is that dumb (yes there is!). Jeff tells her that he's only telling Kalia that she'll be safe, but really he'll be going after her as soon as is humanly possible. He tells Jordan that this twist thing is messing with Kalia's head and scaring her. Plus, she wants them all to know that Daniele isn't really controlling her. (Daniele's not controlling her, but she should be.)

Later in another hammock conversation with Shelly, Kalia thinks that maybe she can nominate Porsche, but still get Rachel out of the game. That way Daniele will be happy, Rachel will know she tried, Jeff & Jordan will like her again and if Rachel comes back, Kalia will still be safe. Those are a LOT of puzzle pieces that need to slide into place just so. Shelly acts very nonchalant and says she doesn't care who goes home: Porsche or Rachel. You delicious liar you!

Back up in the HOH, Kalia is now outlining her plan to trick Rachel into going home. Daniele is so over it though. An hour ago Kalia wanted to play with Rachel and now she wants Rachel out. No matter what move Kalia makes at this point, she's FUCKED. The Oldies don't like her, Shelly thinks she's an idiot and Daniele can never trust her again. She actually let some throaty whispers from Shelly screw up her entire game. There's no going back from here. Even if she backtracks and puts up Adam today, the damage is already done. The entire house sees what a flighty moron she is.

Typically, I'm never surprised by POV ceremonies, but today's will have me on my toes. Who knows how many more times Kalia will flip before she makes a decision? The insanity.... my god, it's delicious. I'm so wrapped up in it I don't even know who to root for. Like I said earlier, maybe it's better to get out someone like Lawon so Cassi or Dominic comes back. I certainly don't want to lose Porsche, but at the same time I really want to see the Oldies tear apart Kalia's throat next week. The one thing I am sure about is that Shelly is a rock star. She may not be playing for the side you want and she may not be aligned with your favorite of players, but what she did last night was pure genius and you've gotta respect it. It's the sort of game play I get excited about. There's nothing I love more than the psychological mindfucks. More than any competition, more than any alliances, the mental manipulation is what gets me going. Shelly has it and Kalia doesn't. Wizardry indeed!

Today should be pretty nuts. Get your feeds if you haven't and comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Yesterday on Three's Company, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan continued to ostricize the very people they need to keep them in the game. Not only are Mr. Furley and myself hip to the shenanigans, but the rest of the house is wise to the selfishness as well. If this were an Amish society, Rachel (Jebediah), Jeff (Ezekial) and Jordan (Jacob) would have essentially shunned the sinners from the homestead and forced them out into the big dangerous English world where they'd inevitably all start meth labs. Alliances are crumbling, new ones are forming, a wide-eyed blow up doll shaved her pubes in the backyard with a garden hose and a crimson-haired harlot went through the five stages of grief all in one day. It wasn't the most exciting of days, but I'm sure I can come up with a few things to poke fun at. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with an early morning POV and from what I can gather, it sounds a little bit like the hot chocolate competition that Kevin won in BB11. Houseguests had to race back and forth, back and forth, balancing or carrying a ball. If they dropped the ball, they may or may not have had to start all over again. It sounded very endurance-like to me as HG's ran over 200 laps. Apparently, Rachel kept dropping her ball, Jordan went out early and Adam surprised everyone by not having a heart attack. In the end, Jeff won the POV and somewhere someone cared.

Typically, this would be good news to Kalia. Her grand master flash plan was to get rid of Rachel and keep Jeff & Jordan safe. The problem is that she didn't exactly go about it with the greatest of tact. Combine that with the fact that Jeff is an enormous man-child and you've got a problem. So Kalia got her wish, but she also lost an ally in the process. Princess Jordan, currently infected with the "Nothing gets in between me and my man!" strain of the bubonic plague, is impossible to talk to lately and I don't even think an act of God will make her trust Kalia again.

Post-POV, Kalia and Lawon are up in the HOH and Kalia is looking for a little advice on how to deal with the Jeff situation. She takes a quick pee, she spreads mayonnaise on a sandwich (that's not a fat joke - it's really what she did), she sticks her face into said jar of mayonnaise (ok, that one was a fat joke) and after an 18 minute preamble of "Actually, obviously, literally, like obviously, 100%. Period, point blank" she managed to get around to explaining how she nominated Jeff just so he'd be able to play in the POV. Now, I'm trying with Kalia. I really am. I'm trying to look past the farting, the belching, the valley girl speak, the holier than thou bullshit, the Brendon smugness she recently contracted and all the rest of it, but I've got to be honest with you. It is impossible to listen to her!! Never in my life have I encountered someone so in love with her own wretched voice. Kalia loves attention and she loves an audience so when she manages to lure an unsuspecting victim up to her lair, a vicious and bloody scene isn't far behind. Poor Lawon. There he sat innocently. But by the time all was said and done, his ears were bleeding, his eyeballs were hanging on by little fleshy threads and his swanky argyle socks were covered in excrement. It was a death by rhetoric. You don't hear of those very often, but I have a feeling they'd be very difficult to prosecute in court.

In the end, since Lawon's insides had turned to pea soup, he didn't really have much to say about the whole Jeff thing. Kalia has lost Jeff's trust and no matter what she does - even if it's keeping Jordan off the block - he will never want anything to do with her again.

Meanwhile down in the kitchen area, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is busy eating and working her way through the five stages of giref. She cruises through Denial quickly enough and, as we've all seen, she's lingered on Anger for several days now. The Bargaining stage comes and goes, but it's the Depression stage that's the most amusing. Hunched over a rancid bowl of slop not made with love and olive oil by her lurching penis skyping boyfriend, big fat oily tears went plop, plop, plop down her face and into her bowl of food. At first, she wears her tears with pride. She thinks to herself, "Go ahead world, embrace my pain!". But then, she hears the cameras start to move. They move from her to the black & white photo on the wall just over her shoulder and then back to her again. "Ahhh, air time," she thinks to herself. The lower lip begins to quiver, she sniffles just so and the crusty wrists of her faded sweatshirt begin to dry the tiny pearls of loss oozing from her eyeballs. If my violin weren't in the repair shop (I simply played it too hard yesterday), I would have chosen a jaunty uplifting tune to go with the scene. The juxtaposition of a merry polka set against the decaying parrot woman on the screen would have been beautious. Eventually, our broken heroin (I left off the last 'e' on purpose) gathers herself up by her bootstraps, wipes away any evidence of weakness and enters the last stage of grief: Acceptance. Took her long enough!

Over in the Have-Not room, little miss bitch face Jordan (I swear to god, she becomes more like Rachel everyday) is busy telling Jeff that she refuses to go upstairs to talk to Kalia. She says she'll "lose her shit" if Kalia tells her she's going up as a pawn. Now, I may not be a fan of Jordan in the game, but I've always thought she was probably a pretty decent person in real life. She seems nice enough and she's not at all caught up in the trappings of fame like some of her other BB11 houseguests (*ahem* Ass Licker *ahem*), but this new, irrationally stubborn and selfish Jordan is beginning to reek of entitlement. It's not cute and it's not appealing. It's very "spoiled brat-ish". Let's just say that she's not doing herself any favors clinging to Rachel and Jeff like she is. It's turning her into a gigantic asshole.

So anyhow, the gigantic asshole tells Jeff that he should go talk to Kalia instead and Jeff agrees. She also says, and get this, "It would be so money if Kalia put up Porsche." Money? It would be SO MONEY? Oh for chrissake. *throws hands in the air* I'm going to give everyone here a little tip: Unless you're in the cast of Entourage or your best friends are Snooki and JWoww never ever ever say something is "money".

OK so it turns out that the HG's got a grill from the Have/Have-Not competition. Shelly and Adam are outside admiring it when Adam asks, "Who do you think Kalia will put up? Jordan?" Shelly replies, "No. You." Adam is immediately stunned. He had no idea he was even being considered. Well, that's what happens dumbass. You sit around refusing to matriculate and play and you'll find yourself up on the block more often than not. Adam mumbles something about being sick of being of the pawn and I mumbled something about being sick of his ass still in the house.

By this point in time, Rachel has dried her tears, smoothed back her hair and strapped on her game face. It's time for her to talk to Kalia about nominations. Rachel sits down and immediately launches into her prepared speech. She promises Kalia that if she nominates someone who could possibly go home instead of her, then she'll forgive Kalia for this week and look the other way next week. She knows Kalia is considering putting up Adam and if she does that, Rachel is definitely gone. Rachel swears that if she stays this week that she will not go after Kalia next week. She also swears that if she does go home then she's coming back and she's coming back with a vengeance. She thinks CBS and the fans want her in the house and if it's a competition, then she'll definitely win it and march back in just like she did last season. *sigh* She's right, you know. If she goes this week, she'll probably be back. My faith in Cassi or Dominic to win against her in either a physical or mental competition simply isn't very strong. As a fan and a blogger, Rachel is conundrum that I'm convinced is rotting my brain. On the one hand, I hate her with every fiber of my being and would like to throw her into a giant cauldron of boiling hot lava. On the other hand, she never fails to give me shit to write about. It's a Catch 22. A little violin music please.

So anyhow, Rachel is talking and talking and talking. She's telling Kalia that she has a huge opportunity at this point in the game to team up with Rachel and be part of a strong alliance. She says she can help Kalia repair her relationship with Jeff & Jordan. As much as I hate to admit it, that was a nice touch. Kalia, however, could not seem less interested. The entire time Rachel is making her case, Kalia sat staring at the tv screen. You could tell Rachel was getting annoyed at not having her undivided attention, but Kalia swears she was just staring at the memory wall to remind herself who is still in the house. The conversation ends with Kalia agreeing to give what Rachel is offering serious consideration.

Rachel leaves and Kalia immediately falls back onto the bed to rehash the conversation (to HERSELF, mind you). She says it would be silly for her to jump alliances right now. "That would be insane," she murmurs. She also can't figure out who Rachel was hinting for her to put up. Rachel seems to thinks there's an option out there that would keep her safe. And, by the way, how the hell did Rachel know Kalia was considering putting up Adam. (Shelly)

While Rachel heads out to the backyard to rehash the convo for Jordan, Kalia heads down to rehash it for Daniele and Porsche. The three wonder what the upcoming twist could be. Could it be a power? Could it be a Diamond Power Of Veto? Is it something America voted for? They can't figure it out. Kalia then asks who told Rachel that she was considering putting up Adam. Daniele says she saw Shelly in the kitchen saying something about it. Kalia doesn't really respond and instead tells Porsche that Rachel must think she has her vote because she seemed pretty confident she could win against a nominee other than Adam. Porsche says she's voting out Rachel and that Rachel can, and I quote, "suck a dick." Nicely done Porsche! Where have you been this whole time? I said several days back that I might actually learn to tolerate Porsche if she finally ditches the life-sucking Oldies and teams up with Dani. Well, it looks like the defection is on it's way. Now if only I could just get her to stop talking about how famous she'll be.

It's feeding time so naturally Kalia heads to the Storage Room. While there, she runs into Coyote Ugly. She asks Shelly if she told Rachel that she was thinking about putting Adam on the block. Shelly says no and I think she might be telling the truth. I'm fairly sure she told Jeff & Jordan (in addition to telling Adam at the grill) about Adam as a replacement nominee. Shelly is pretty much done with Rachel at this point so I don't think she's feeding her info anymore. I could be wrong because I missed how Rachel found out. Anyhow, Kalia tells Shelly that Rachel seems to think she has the votes the stay. Shelly says, "She's playing you Kalia." The honesty seems to make Kalia feel a little better, but now she really wants to talk with Jordan.

Outside Kalia asks Jordan to talk. Jordan says maybe later. Kalia walks away and Jordan whispers to Rachel that she has no plans to talk to Kalia at all. Rachel actually begins to encourage Jordan to go up to the HOH. She schools Jordan on what to say and it's basically all just arguments on why it would be good to keep Rachel in the game. Jordan is stubborn though and she wants Jeff to talk to Kalia instead.

I don't think Jeff & Jordan ever made it up to the HOH with Kalia, but if it happens, it'll happen today. I missed the late night stuff, but I think Adam turned 40 and then said something about shaving his beard and keeping it a plastic baggy. Gross. Anyhow, I'm going to end this here so comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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