Saturday, July 25, 2009

And We Have Fornication...

Image via bigbrotherleak

Yesterday day in the BB house was pretty much yawn worthy, but yesterday night... va va va voom! Bare asses, gay cuddling, finger licking, genital to genital contact. In other words, it was a night BB viewers sit and wait for.

Let's get through all the boring stuff quickly because I know all you perverts really want is the filthy dirty gossip.

They had the Have/Have-Not competition and the Brains lost. Apparently, it was up to Natalie to make the final decision and she claims she chose the Brains because Ronnie is on that team. Chima seemed ok until she'll realized that her birthday is coming up. She's going to bitch to high heaven to be able to eat and drink on her birthday. She also wants extra pillows like the populars got. I really hope BB doesn't give in to her demands because I really hate her. Oh and you, the idiotic viewing public, voted to give the HG's cabbage and wieners. WTF? Why didn't you people vote for the seaweed or the pickled eggs? Cabbage and weiners isn't a punishment!

The new plan in the house is to backdoor Casey and, as a result, Jessie has nominated Michele and Jordan. Oh how the Jeff and Jordan groupies wept! Leprechauns stopped delivering their pots of gold, puppies no longer looked cute, fairies around the world dropped dead, and glitter refused to sparkle. Mass suicides were planned in the BB chats for the fateful day when one of the dynamic duo, Jeff or Jordan, finally leaves the house. Jordan ate away her feelings and stared for hours at clocks. Jeff lied around lazily in a too tight t-shirt driving the menopausal women in the chats into a spontaneous hot flash. Vomit.

I like Jeff and Jordan. I do. I just HATE them in this game. They are the worst BB players I've seen in a long time. If all they wanted to do was lay around making puppy eyes at each other then they should have signed up for The Real World over at MTV. All the alcohol over at MTV might cause Jeff to grow some balls and seal the deal. Here in the BB house he can't even get up the nerve to kiss the poor girl. She'll kiss you back Jeff. I promise.

While Jeff and Jordan refused to do anything remotely interesting, Lydia and Kevin were in another part of the house talking dirty. Alright! Now we're getting somewhere. Lydia tells Kevin that she's given Jessie several hand jobs, but she's NEVER kissed him on the mouth. She's never had sex with him and she's never licked his winky. (Lala does her "I told you so" dance) Kevin eats it all up. Like a typical gay, he loves his gossip and keeps pressing Lydia for more details. She never comments on Little Jessie, but says that he has HUGE balls. LMAO She says the best hand job she gave him was in Natalie's bed in Natalie's clothes. That is so great. I love that. Lydia declares, "I'm all about using sex as a weapon." And with that statement, Lydia is officially back into my good graces. Sex doesn't make you a victim ladies, it gives you power... if you know how to use it right.

Another note about Kevin... I haven't commented too much on him because he's laid low (and smartly so) for the majority of the time. Yesterday I noticed he was talking and strategizing with the Jessie clan and then minutes later he was privy to a strategy conversation from Casey. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me. Kevin has situated himself PERFECTLY in this game. Both sides trust him enough to confide in him. He really has no enemies and no one is really scared of him. That's not easy to do in this game. Most people usually have at least one person who's out to get them. Kevin is sitting pretty for the time being. He contributes to strategy yet manages to to stay out of the line of fire. Not a bad way to play an early BB game. Eventually, he'll have to make some concrete choices, but for now he's definitely free and clear for a secure seat in the jury house.

Casey has no idea that he's the target this week. Sometimes I think he knows something is amiss, but I swear that ever since he shaved his face his personality went down the drain along with his stubble. He's quiet, somber, unfunny, and pretty damn boring. The Casey in the house yesterday isn't the Casey we know and love. I think he's having a really hard time dealing with the fact that Ronnie is back to matriculating in BB society. Casey would rather that Ronnie be locked away in a tiny room of his own to never again see daylight or nourishment. Just knowing Ronnie shares a word with anyone makes Casey uneasy. I genuinely think Casey is scared of Ronnie. He's scared that Ronnie will get back into everyone's head again. My only question is, why doesn't Casey do something about it then? He's trusting the house and their ridiculous Algonquin Round Table plan way too much. Wake up Casey!

That pretty much brings us to After Dark. Showtime viewers were delighted with a game of Truth or Dare. At first all the players (Chima, Russell, Natalie, Michele, Ronnie, Kevin) kept picking Truth and that got real boring real fast. Little Scrappy Doo (Natalie) upped the ante when she accepted a Dare to moon Lydia when she came out of the DR. It was hysterical. Natalie didn't want to show her face at the same time as her ass so she hid the top of her body under a blanket and let her ass hang out the back. Everyone waited in anticipation for Lydia to come out and when she did, Natalie dropped trou and let it all hang out. Lydia walked away unimpressed, but the Truth or Dare crew (and me) were doubled over laughing so hard. Lydia later came out proclaiming she saw Nat's "vag" in that full moon. LOL

Ronnie had to hug Casey for 10 seconds and it was just really really awkward. Casey was grumpy and called them all immature. Then someone dared Kevin to cuddle with Jessie while he was sleeping. They all sneak into the HOH where Jessie is passed out with headphones on. Kevin creeps around the bed and is trying really hard not to laugh while he figures out where to place his hands. Natalie finally has to come in, grab Kevin's hand, and wrap it around Jessie's massive chest. Jessie begins to stir as Natalie proclaims she was trying to stop Kevin from cuddling with him. Again, the house and myself were in hysterics, but Jessie was having none of it. He got really pissed and kicked them out. Party pooper.

Russell had to lick whipped cream off the back of Chima's neck which was kind of hot in a weird way. Russell was into it and gave it his all while Chima sat and giggled maniacally. Chima REALLY wants Russ, but later she said she wouldn't break her 2 year celibacy with someone in the BB house. Then Chima licked honey off of Russell's finger and that was just gross and yucky and made me feel dirty all over. Nothing about Chima is remotely sexy. Russell, on the other hand, is beginning to turn a few heads in the chats. There is a tiny lady contigent that finds him incredibly sexy. I can see how the angry bad boy thing could be a turn on. He's unpredictable and looks like he could flip you around any which way. I kind of get the attraction I guess. His face does nothing for me at all though.

Here's a little clip of the game:

More Truth or Dare clips coming shortly...

UPDATE: Chima licking Russell's finger...

And that brings us to where the magic happens. Lydia and Jessie are in the HOH in another Sex Fort. There is zero movement or noise for the longest time. Then we begin to hear Jessie moan. I know, ewwwwwwww, but moan he does. He asks Lydia if her hand is getting tired. He then says, "Oh right there... yeah..." We then hear some mouth to mouth kissing and Jessie moan some more, "Oh... ohhhh... ahhh" (I'm trying so hard not to laugh as I'm listening and typing this verbatim) We get a lot more, "ah ah yeahhh oh ahh" After what seems like forever Jessie gets up to retrieve a condom and, yes folks, you hear the snap of it being put on.

They switch positions and then you hear a loud moan out of Lydia. She keeps moaning and we hear her say "Fuck me". They kiss a lot and she whispers, "I'm getting wet". I couldn't tell what the hell kind of position they were in, but Simon over at claims Lydia was on top. Simon never misses a thing so we'll go with that. There are some more small movements and then nothing. Is that it? Jessie! Come on man! Lydia then says she's fine and then that's it. That's the whole sadly short encounter. After it's all done Lydia immediately talks game - which is really weird to me, but whatever.

The clips are coming very shortly. My clip man was sleeping on the job and I had to smack him around a little. He's down in his BB factory as we speak uploading the goodies.

UPDATE!!! A clip has arrived! Sorry for the delay...

HUGE thank you to Shea and Alexis for the clips. They have the best big brother vids over at Clipser so be sure to check them out. Thanks ladies!

Today is the POV competition and we'll see if the big plan to backdoor Casey will come to fruition. If Casey ends up playing and winning, then who knows what will happen? Is Michele on her way out or will Jordan be the ultimate sacrifice?

I'll tweet when the clips are ready.

Friday, July 24, 2009

As Seen On TV!

Thanks to Bloodydove for the blog title!

Dusk in Studio City. It's the time of the day those Hollywood folk refer to as "Magic Hour". At no other moment is the light more perfect. Buildings sparkle, hair glows, trees glimmer... all bathed in a wonderous orange light. It's also the time of the day when a miniature ring of Fates emerge from their tiny den of safety (located just off of Hollywood and Vine) and flutter towards a very special person who will be blessed with a fortuitous destiny just for one night.

Michele wasn't sure why, but she had to wear her canary yellow dress last night. Something deep in her bowels (possibly Chima's microwave pizza or possibly not) drew her attention to the pocket of sunshine nestled deep in her BB closet. She'd felt a slight tingling in her loins (where the Fates choose to attack) and remembered something Debbie had said to her on their last night together, "Whenever you need to feel beautiful, whenever you need to feel loved... wear your yellow dress and know that the Ruby Fruit gang is with you always. It's like the righteous babe Ani DiFranco said herself, "Let's not ask whats next, how or why, I am leaving in the morning so let's not be shy"" That last night together Debbie schooled Michele in the ways of female love. Whenever we see Michele wearing her yellow dress from here on out, we know she just wants to be special and relive the magic she felt that last night with Debbie.

With Michele in her canary yellow and Laura wearing some ridiculous hooker outift, Julie Chen, the Candy Apple Queen herself, MENTIONED MY BLOG BITCHES! Julie was introducing Ronnie in the HOH room and she said, "On the internet he's being called the 'Square Root Of All Evil'" On the internet? No, my dear Chenbot... right here he's being called The Square Root Of All Evil. Right here at my little dog and pony blog. I coined the phrase 12 days ago right here at the BBBB. Here's the link to the original post: and here's the clip from last night. It's at the 3:00 minute mark.

I have none other to thank but Michelle Talbott, Ronnie's wife. She's a fan of the blog and mentioned it to CBS in an interview she did with them last Sunday. Any woman who can laugh at me poking fun at her husband is alright by me. She sees the humor in all of this BB hooplah and knows that, after all, this is just a game. Albeit a game many of us are obsessed with, but a game nonetheless. Thanks Michelle!

I also have to give some fumbly gropey love to my boys in BB chat Lobby 1. Some uninformed miscreants over at Jokers were claiming that BB or CBS must have made up the "The Square Root Of All Evil" reference. My manly protectors, Grimace and Jediaces, set those fops over at Jokers straight and told them who the real architect of that catchy phrase was... moi. Thanks boys.

So sad horsey hookerfied Laura is gone and Churchill Downs can resume it's day to day functions. All were at rest when Laura was gone. Nary a horse cantered down the field knowing Laura was tucked away in California. And in what would be the funniest (to me) and the most disappointing (to everyone else) HOH competition, Manbeast Jessie ran away with the prize. Oh the anger all of you had! Threats to cancel feeds were popping up like pimples on a teenagers chin. It's a game people!

I'm thrilled an Athlete won. Anything that brings the drama and forces the players to strategize is why I watch Big Brother. Now, calm down everyone, I'm not rooting for Jessie or even an Athlete to win Big Brother at this point. I'm not that off my rocker. It's way too early for me to pick who I want to win this game. Until I have a favorite, I root for drama. It's as simple as that. As I stated yesterday, I REALLY want to see what comes of the Ronnie/Russell alliance. I'm dying to see how long they keep it under wraps, how the Dumb 5 react to it, and who Chima will punch as a result of it. The fit is going to hit the fucking shan when Chima figures out her alliance has been playing her. Can you imagine how delicious that will be? Order your ear plugs now because I guarantee you'll need them.

After the live show was over the gang settled in to feast and BB was nice enough to let Jordan eat a little early... and eat she did. Homegirl ate all night long. The general mood in the house was light and happy. Russell even shaved off his porn stache. They knew Laura was leaving so no surprises there. The only question on everyone's mind was: Who voted for Jordan to leave? We all know it was Natalie, but the BB gang is mystified and have begun to point fingers. Chima was so ready to blame Ronnie, but Ronnie didn't have a vote last night. Natalie is strongly insinuating that Casey or Michele must have been the mystery vote. If Natalie's intention was to truly frame someone then I'm mildly impressed. I didn't think she had it in her to come up with something so underhanded.
Ronnie kept to himself most of the night reading his bible (maybe Michelle T. can shed some light on whether or not Ronnie is uber religious or just desperate for some reading material). While in the spa room, Natalie came in and whispered to him that he was safe this week no matter what. She advised him to come out and sit with everybody else. Ronnie did eventually join everyone outside, but he kept his distance.

Casey is, at this point, spent. He's exhausted from the day's events and you know he has a nagging feeling that he's probably not very safe this week at all. Even though "the plan" is to oust Ronnie, Casey is feeling something deep in his gut that's beginning to cause him some worry. He has every right to be worried. DJ Jazzy Casey is in the line of fire. He knows he made a mistake getting all riled up and vocal about the whole Ronnie nonsense. He knows better than anyone else perhaps that when you cause a big dramatic scene you are now public enemy #1. It happened with Braden and it happened with Laura. Look where they are now.

Oh last night in the chats we spoke with a young man claiming to be Casey's son. His screen name is Cruz_Money and I'm told he's the real deal. He's a little worried about his dad this week, but seems to be taking it in good stride. It's so weird to me that the fans get more emotionally involved and evil towards others than the actual family members of the HG's. The 2 I've encountered, Michelle and Cruz_Money, are super chill and laid back. The fans, on the other hand, want everyone's head on a spike when they don't get their way. So weird.

Chima, wild and psychotic, is still fretting over that mystery vote. She sat in her psych ward Pocahantas get-up last night ready to pounce on anyone who looked the teeniest tiniest bit guilty. In the middle of a conversation about pop culture, Chima ended up outting a CBS actor. It happened during the Showtime show and believe you me CBS is going to get some phone calls today about it. Chima said that Shemar Moore was bisexual. I didn't know who he was so I googled him and got an actor from the show Criminal Minds (a CBS show). Apparently, this Shemar Moore was involved in a bit of a gay scandal and something to do with nude pictures. In a comment to People Magazine about his photos he said, "Look, I had no problems ... What I have a problem with is their making such an issue out of me being gay. I'll say it right now: I'm not gay. Not even a little bit. I love women. Women are god's greatest creation." Chima could have simply read something about this gay scandal he was in and jumped to conclusions. I'm not sure. Outing people is a touchy thing and it's unfortunate that it made the Showtime broadcast.

After a lot of mindless chitchat, Jessie finally got his HOH room. It was about 1:30 am my time and that's unusually late for an HOH reveal. Typical to true Jessie form, one of his pictures was of himself measuring his own bicep. His douchiness knows no bounds. I only pray Joel McHale on The Soup (E!) does another piece about it on tonight's episode. He ripped Jessie a new one last season when Jessie's HOH room was filled with pictures of himself posing all muscle-y. Jessie got some protein powder and a weird letter from his mom where she kept calling him "son". A childhood photo was also in the room and it's almost scary how right on my Jessie backstory was. He was a scrawny little pipsqueak of a kid.

Please to enjoy: (something seems to be wonky with clipser... working on fixing the clip)

As of right now, it's looking like Michele and Casey will be nominated. Natalie has made a pitch for Jessie not to nominate Jordan. She thinks that she and Jessie should team up with Jeff and Jordan and make a powerful foursome. Totally out of left field if you ask me. I don't think Jessie will take the bait. He has other alliances that precede is alliance with Natalie. If Natalie left the house in the near future it's really not an issue for Jessie. He's planning on dropping her soon anyways.

The night came to a close with Lydia frantically cleaning the house. Jeff is trying to make some ripples with the Natalie/Jessie/Lydia love triangle thing. I think he planted some seeds in Lydia's head about Natalie sleeping in the HOH with Jessie. Lydia's immediate reaction was to run for the Soft Scrub and scrub that house clean. How long until Lydia completely turns against Natalie and throws her under the bus? Only time will tell.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Day That Would Make Salvador Dali Jealous

Image via Dona Bogart (Thanks!)

The word surreal doesn't even begin to describe the day we had in the Big Brother house yesterday. What you thought was true ended up to be false. The unimaginable suddenly became the imaginable. Up was down. Down was up.

Let's not waste anymore time, shall we? Lots to discuss.

The day began innocently enough. Casey and Jeff were up early talking and working out. Nothing seemed amiss. Michele arose soon thereafter and after stabbing and eating her breakfast in the bathroom (this should have tipped me off) expressed her concern to Jeff saying that some people in the house may want to keep Ronnie. OK Nostradamus, what else do you have up your magic sleeve? Jeff immediately negated the idea and Michele promptly stole one of Ronnie's most favorite lines, "Actions speak louder than words." Jeff walked away, Michele muttered, "Fuck you Jeff" under her breath, and the tone of the day was set.

Michele and Jeff continued their odd little conversation in the backyard. Michele doesn't think she wants to throw the HOH competition now. She knows people have been talking about her and she doesn't think she can trust anyone. Jeff shrugs it off as paranoia and relays all information to Casey.

Casey, the white guy who thinks he's black, the master DJ spinner, has emerged as the ring leader in the Ronnie hate fest. He's the one who wants everyone to throw the HOH competition. He's made it his personal mission to get Ronnie out of the house and, the once formerly quiet and pensive man, has now become the house loudmouth on everyone's radar.

Not much went on for the next few hours... people waking up and greeting the day. It was here that I decided to hop on my treadmill. I don't know why, but something inside me told me to set my laptop up so I can continue to watch the house. There I am running and walking, walking and running, feeling pretty good about myself when all of a sudden I glance at my laptop. I see Russell running up the stairs to the HOH, frantically knocking on the door, begging to be let in. Needless to say I almost broke my ankle leaping off the treadmill so fast. I ran to the computer and here's what I saw:

And with that the entire face of the game has been altered. Only one (slightly nutty) live feeder had an inkling that something like this would happen. The incredibly astute and persistantly cynical Jediaces predicted something like this would go down. Everyone else, including myself, was COMPLETELY fooled. I've seen every season (even watch other BB's from around the world) and have analyzed and written about BB for 4 years now and I was completely snowed. Props to Russell (and Jedi). He consistently continues to surprise me and I NEVER know what he's up to. He could be the most exciting player I've ever seen. He definitely keeps things interesting.

Later in the day the HG's were given a catapult like contraption that may play a role in tonight's HOH. It was delivered to the backyard with instructions for them to practice. All HG's had to report to the BY for a lockdown and we all held out breaths wondering what would happen to Ronnie. He simply sat quietly, kept to himself, and didn't take part in the practicing (he can't play in HOH). As soon as he was able to, he ran back upstairs to read his bible. Personally, I think he's reading his bible because it's the only reading material available. I don't think he's overly religious at all. Very few people rooted in intelligencia are.

The HG's are practicing and Casey starts foaming at the mouth about Michele. I really wish he'd shut up. I liked him a lot more when he was simply an observer offering nothing more than funny witticisms. BB fever has taken over Casey and he's got game on his mind CONSTANTLY. The only problem is that he's very loud about it and he's drawing attention to himself. As a result, Russell, Ronnie, Natalie, Lydia, Kevin and Jessie want him gone. I predict a troublesome week ahead for him if he doesn't win HOH.

Jessie was inside discussing the catapult thing and the fact that Casey canNOT win HOH with Russ and Natalie. He thinks that they may have to launch the balls into baskets representing the HG's. Maybe when a ball lands in their basket, they are eliminated from HOH. Pretty insightful coming from Jessie if you ask me. I'm finding that I just don't have the hatred for Jessie that I had last season. He has a large alliance, he's not creating too many waves, and he's way more entertaining than someone like Michele. As far as game play goes, Jessie has really done nothing to upset me. I'd much rather someone like Chima be evicted before Jessie. Chima is hateful, whiny, loud, and a complete and total bitch. The day she's gone is a day of celebration.

The 2 nominees aren't campaigning, aren't mingling, aren't worried at all. Laura spends her days sleeping and dreaming about even bigger boobs and long lazy days of playing horseshoes (thanks Grimace). She's also probably hallucinating at this point due to malnutrition. The slop diet has turned Laura into the spitting image of a frail 90 year old woman with spindly legs and arms. Jordan, on the other hand, is puffy, poopy (she has constant diarrhea), and a little dirty. She's stopped washing her hair and has taken to dressing sloppy. Her stories make even less sense now (something I thought impossible) and are so embarrassing to the point that they're even making Jeff uncomfortable. I'm finding it very very hard to continue liking her. The dumb southern blonde thing used to be cute and endearing, but now it's becoming exhausting and sad. She's so dumb and she's so oblivious to what's going on around her that I almost feel pity for her. I think it was the baby talk thing that pushed me over the edge. Her accent gets thicker and she lays on the baby talk whenever she tells Jeff one of her inane childhood stories. And before anyone starts shouting "Hypocradar!" at me, I hate it when Lydia does it too. Women who talk baby talk should be collected and shipped off to a remote island in the South Pacific. They should be forced to build shelter, kill their food, and endure infinite insect and rat bites. That'll knock the baby talk right outta them.

This brings us to our second Russell/Ronnie encounter and to what is quite possibly the funniest clip of the week. Russell, anxious to keep Ronnie informed of the day's developments, risks a very dangerous visit to the HOH. At what was not the most opportune time of the day, Russell runs upstairs and hides in the HOH. He's scared shitless. EVERYONE is milling about the house. His eyes are glued to the spy screen as he makes some more plans with Ronnie. Ronnie informs him that Lydia and Kevin shot him looks of sympathy and understanding when he was sitting outside. Russell wonders who's after him, Laura or Casey, just as Casey himself enters the kitchen and appears to be looking for someone. Can it be? Can Casey be searching for Russell?

Casey's eyes dart here and there. He knows something stinks in Burbank but he can't quite figure out what it is. He starts going room to room quietly wondering to himself where Russell could be. He tries the storage room, the bathroom, and even the diary room. Meanwhile Russell is upstairs (WITH THE ENEMY!) frantically pounding spy screen buttons and realizing he's trapped. He has no way of getting downstairs unnoticed. People in the chats were screaming for Casey to go upstairs. I was screaming, "No no! Hell no!" This Ronnie/Russell alliance is the most exciting thing I've seen in any Week 2 of BB. Why would anyone want to put the kybosh on it now? Don't you guys want to see how this all plays out? I know I do.

Eventually, Ronnie decides to leave the HOH to get some food and create a distraction. They agree to talk again at 4 am. Russell gets his Jason Bourne on and crawls on his stomach out of the HOH. He's hiding not only from Casey but from everyone else in the house as well. It was hysterical! You have no idea how close Russell came to getting caught. In the end, he pretended that he was stalking Ronnie and ended up falling asleep on the upstairs couches. I think it's fooled Casey for the time being. You can tell he's getting paranoid and that he knows something isn't right, but he hasn't pinpointed exactly what it is yet.

Later Natalie and Lydia, having NO idea that Russell and Ronnie are really working together, agree that keeping Ronnie in the house is a good idea. They think that as long as Ronnie is in the house, they can keep the target off their back.

Chima, wild and psychotic, gets a whiff that something isn't right with the HOH tomorrow. She was under the impression that the Brains would throw it and that she'd be completely untouchable. Michele hints that she has no intention of throwing anything. In typical Chima fashion, she blows up and starts accusing everyone of trying to set her up. She wants to know why no one told her that they were no longer going to throw HOH. Casey intervenes suggesting that he's not the architect of any HOH plans (lie) and that they should all decide together what the plan will be for tonight's competition.

Everyone, save Ronnie, gathers at the dining room table and discusses how this week will be played. They all agree that the mission is to get Ronnie out (keep in mind that Russ, Jessie, Natalie, Lydia, and possibly Kevin are completely lying) and that the best way to do it is to backdoor him. Russell brings up the possibility that if people throw HOH and the POV turns out to be a competition for prizes or money (which HOH automatically plays in) that whoever threw the HOH would be pissed off at missing out on prizes. Russell doesn't want that on his hands. The last thing he wants is Chima bitching for a week over losing a chance to win some money. Jeff agrees that if a prize competition is in the near future that everyone should have a chance to play. Casey chimes in saying that everything changes in the house so quickly that you never know if a little fight will suddenly make you more hated than Ronnie. Throwing HOH could put someone, who's innocent this week, in jeopardy next week. It's a unanimous decision. The house agrees that NO ONE will throw HOH.

Duh. Get Mensa in here right now. That meeting was such a big ole bag of bullshit. You know without a shadow of a doubt that everyone was going to try for that HOH anyways. No one wants to be vulnerable. It's too risky in that nuthouse. They change their game plan just about every 3 hours in there. Anyone throwing that competition would have ended up taking it in the ass. The whole meeting was just for show.

Naturally, everyone went outside and immediately started catapulting balls all over the place. Michele is horrifyingly bad at it. Casey looks like he's training for the Olympics. Paranoia has officially set in.

Tonight is going to be exciting. You thought last weeks HOH was a big deal? You have NO idea how important tonight is. Personally, I want an Athlete to win it I think. That way Jeff, Russ, and Jessie are safe and Michele & Chima are not. I'm done with Michele and Chima. They are at the top of my shit list. This doesn't mean I want an Athlete to win the $500K, I just don't want them vulnerable this week. I need to see what happens with the Russell/Ronnie alliance. I really really really want to see how that plays out and how Ronnie's game changes as a result. I love all the secret alliance stuff and watching it blow up next week is going to be perfectly delicious. I like the drama and the intense strategizing. That's what gets me off when it comes to BB (not some guy from the midwest in his black boxer briefs). Right now only Russell and Ronnie are giving me that.
As far as tonight's eviction goes, I'm predicting Laura goes home with a vote of 7-2 . She's infinitely more threatening than pea brain Jordan and she made her bed with that idiotic tantrum she threw in the HOH. I've heard rumblings of some talk on Twitter this morning that some people in the house are now thinking of voting Jordan out, but I really don't think that will amount to anything. Jessie will get his girls in line and make sure Laura goes home.
I bid you adieu Seabiscuit. It's good you left when you did. I'm plum out of horse references. Had to borrow from the Canadia lad known as Grimace to make it through today. I never liked you but I wish you and your ridiculous breasts well. Now go. Trot off into the distance and stop whitening your teeth already.
A special hi there and hello to Ronnie's wife, Michelle, and sassysara.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Big Brother Has Officially Turned Into High School

We all know what went down yesterday. It was something we all wanted and waited for. Today though, today everything just looks ugly and mean.

Ronnie has literally spent 24 hours hiding in the HOH. Sure, it's a little bit funny, but I can't help but find it really really sad as well. He was a geek who came into this wanting to play his favorite game of Big Brother. He played hard and fast and managed to fool both sides of the house in a week 1 eviction upset. Why is everyone really mad at him anyways? Because he managed to pull the wool over their eyes? Because he got who he wanted evicted? Because he decided it was better for him to get out an immediate personal threat (Laura) rather than a threat to the whole house (Russell)? Because he lied to everyone to get the outcome he wanted? Yes, Ronnie did every single one of these things, but are they significant enough reasons to banish him to no man's land and taunt him whenever the chance arises?

Big Brother has literally, overnight, turned into a high school cafeteria. A jock and a popular spend their time flirting (Jeff & Jordan). Another jock finds himself oddly attracted to an offbeat (Jessie & Lydia). Another popular spends her days crying and telling everyone how great she is (Laura). A jock waits and lurks for every opportunity possible to pick on a geek (Russell & Ronnie). The HG's have actually become and personified all of the labels they've been given. I see a complete breakdown in all things civil. In what arena of life does a 25 year old man wait to pounce on a 30 year old man by taunting and mocking him endlessly? Only Big Brother.

I have an annoying habit of putting myself in other's peoples shoes in order to understand what the world looks like through their eyes. When I put myself in Ronnie's shoes, I feel sick and anxious. I know I would be completely anxiety-ridden if I was scared to leave the HOH to go to the kitchen to get food knowing Russell was waiting for me. People don't have to talk to him and be his friend, but they don't have to go out of their way to make him feel even more miserable.

Yesterday Jessie was the only one to go and check on Ronnie. I think he even brought him food too. I don't think Jessie has a game plan or anything. There's no ulterior motive to his actions. I think he just genuinely feels bad for Ronnie. Could this be the advent of a kinder gentler manbeast? Maybe, just maybe, Jessie was bullied when he was a kid.

It was the land of big open skies and vast amber waves of grain. Big green tractors spotted the countryside and a young skinny boy spent his days skipping rocks on the pond behind his farm. Jessie was a momma's boy. He loved his family and his mother doted on him ironing his jeans and having an apple pie waiting for him when he'd come home from school. Jessie was little in stature - tiny, in fact. His big brothers , grown and away at college, called him "Squirt" and would spend summers trying to teach young Jessie how to play tackle football.

With his brothers gone during the school year, Jessie's days were long and difficult. Gunther Dupree, the school bully, had taken to waiting for Jessie every single day on his way to school. He'd trip Jessie, pounce on his skinny little frame, and take his lunch money every single day. The one day Jessie tried to fight back, Gunther had twisted Jessie's arm behind his back so hard that it made him cry. Betty Sue had been walking by and saw Jessie whimpering for help. It was the most humiliating moment in his life. Ever since then Jessie would have his money in his hand ready for Gunther. It was better to get throught this daily ritual as quickly as possible.

Jessie was 13. His voice was still high and he only weighed 80 lbs. He was always picked last to play in gym class. His stomach was so nervous all the time that he couldn't even eat the left over dinner roll he'd stuffed in the bottom of his school bag. He hid in the bathroom at lunch time counting the minutes until the school day was done. All Jessie wanted was to grow tall like his brothers and have big muscles so that the Gunther's of the world would never ever be able to push him around anymore...

Ronnie made several long trips to the Diary Room where I have no doubt he may have cried and spoken to an onset psychiatrist. My money is on the shrink giving Ronnie a few Xanax to calm his anxiety. Whenever we saw Ronnie on the screen (which was rare) he was a little dazed with his hair mussed. He spent a lot of time sleeping which leads me to the conclusion that someone must have given him something. Knowing what I know of Ronnie, he's always thinking and his brain goes a mile a minute. Seeing him resigned and exhausted doesn't fit with his personality. The lucid Ronnie would still be in his room hiding, but he'd be nervous, antsy and possibly pacing. Sleeping all day and night just strikes me as unusual.

I'm almost scared for Ronnie when Thursday comes around. Can you imagine what that HOH lockdown is going to be like for him? Most of you probably think that he made is own bed and now he has to lie in it, but I don't know you guys... I just can't help feeling sorry for the guy. Next week he won't have the HOH to hide in. It's going to be MISERABLE for him. He's lost this game. That's a given. He will be out of that house as soon as his humanly possible. He knows it. I don't think he's in the HOH making elaborate plans to stay in the house. I think he's given up.

In this next clip, you see the HG's bash Ronnie outside while Russell taunts him inside. Ronnie, who is shaking, asks where a bottle opener is and Russell throws it on the ground. Outside Jordan asks Russell to be so mean to Ronnie that he makes him quit. Really Jordan? This from the girl who claims she can never be mean to anyone?

This post will probably make me very unpopular today, but I think what Russell is doing is going above and beyond the parameters of human decency. Ignore Ronnie, talk about him behind this back, pretend he's not even there... these things I have no problem with. It's the evil malicious hurtful personal digs that really rub me the wrong way. Ronnie lied to everyone, but he was never malicious about it. He never hoped someone suffered as a result of his lying. His head got too big and he got caught. He'll go down as the most hated HG in BB history. He's going to be a laughing stock when he gets out of the house. To me, that's enough retribution. The childish bullying is ridiculous and, quite frankly, disgusting.

OK I've said my piece about that. Let's move on...

Late last night while in bed together Jeff says that he and Jordan should make out for the cameras. Jordan laughs and says no. No?!? Jordan you are so disappointing. Don't you know that there are scores of lonely unhappy women waiting with bated breath for you two to get it on? A little kiss is no big deal. Maybe some of Jeff's brains will seep into you during the transfer of saliva. Hey, it's worth a try.

The big plan for Thursday is for the Brains to throw the HOH so Ronnie isn't immune. The only problem is that the HG's have been talking about it for hours on end that they are now sure that BB will alter the competition so throwing it is impossible. Whoever wins HOH is going to nominate 2 pawns. The plan is to backdoor Ronnie. They've worked out the percentages and the best scenario of getting Ronnie out is to backdoor him.

Some HG's want to draw straws to determine who the pawns will be. This is more stupid than Jordan not being able to tell time. Someone fairly innocent like Jeff will get the short straw and in a weird turn of events Ronnie will win the POV and Jeff will end up going home. It's better that whoever gets HOH puts up people that they wouldn't mind getting out of the house just in case the Backdoor Ronnie plan doesn't work.

In my twisted mind I kind of hope Russell goes on the block and ends up leaving. There's almost a beautiful poetry to the bully going out before the victim. Russell's bravado is immature and undeserved. He's permanently stuck in his role as a schoolyard bully and it's pathetic to watch in a 25 year old man.

I think Russell's antics might even be getting to the other HG's too. Late last night some of the NBK were discussing that both Casey and Russell need to lay off Ronnie and let him come down to get some food without being harrassed. Casey was a big disappointment for me yesterday. As a teacher, I'd expect him to be a little more sympathetic to the victims of bullies. Instead he's kind of become Russell's partner in hate. Casey cites Ronnie's treatment of Michele as his reason for liking to see Ronnie suffer. It's no secret Ronnie doesn't like Michele but I've never seen him do anything outlandish to her. Ronnie holds zero power over Michele and Michele has pretty much done her own thing in the game thus far.

Jessie and Lydia canoodled a little more last night. I really think they might like one another. Nothing will come of it when they leave the house, but any showmance is better than no showmance at all. I think the Natalie/Jessie/Lydia love triangle could possibly turn into something in the coming week - at least that what other players are hoping for. Dividing Jessie and Natalie is important to the Dumb 5 (their name for themselves, not mine), but is it as important as getting Ronnie out? I'm not sure. I have a feeling that all might not go according to plan in regards to Ronnie next week. It would not surprise in the least if he stays in for the next few weeks.

The big question then would be: If Ronnie does stay in the house will he change the way he's playing the game? Does he have any chance of winning back some comrades? Will Russell's evil tactics piss people off more than Ronnie's evil tactics? What do you guys think? Has Ronnie's ship already sailed? Is he a complete lost cause in this game?


In quite possibly the greatest ruse ever in BB history, Russell has just run up to Ronnie's HOH apologizing and saying that it was all an act. Russ and Jessie want to SAVE Ronnie but need to keep it on the down low.

More on this tomorrow as story develops...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Night Everyone Was Waiting For!

Image via

Well slap me on the ass and call me stunned. A big turn of events is taking place and it's all thanks to the angry uncontrollable Village People mustached pile of muscles we like to call Russell. Boy can make some waves when he wants to.

First, let's go over what led to the imminent demise of the NBK. Chima started the day bitching about not getting her iron pills. She said that if BB doesn't give her the pills that when Julie asks her how everything is going in the house on Thursday she's going to make a big scene about BB not treating her right. She's also going to complain about that horrible movie THE UGLY TRUTH. It wasn't funny to Chima and how dare BB send her to see an unfunny movie. Who the hell do they think they are? Chima is an unworthy diva. Bitch thinks she's deserves to be treated like royalty when what she really deserves is 5 to 10 at Pelican Bay for a bad attitude.

Ronnie, our resident weasel, went into paranoid mode and spent the day assuring everybody that every move he's made up until now has been in the greater interest of the group. He's been protecting everybody and therefore they should all be protecting him next week. He knows he's fucked up. He knows that come next week he just might be fighting for his life. His mission now is to do a preemptive strike and try to get everyone on his side early. If he can turn some others against each other to boot that's even all the better. Anything to deflect the attention away from him is his modus operandi.

Michele, perhaps realizing that the numbers in her alliance (Laura, Jordan, Jeff) are about to drastically decline, has decided to do a little damage control of her own. She spent a long time in the HOH with Ronnie mending fences and having to tolerate Ronnie's incessant rambling. Ronnie informs her that the only reason he put Jordan on the block as a replacement for Jeff is because it guarantees him Jeff's vote to get out Laura. True Ronnie, but that's not why you did it. You did it because Jordan made you look like an asshole. I don't believe for one second that Michele really wants to make it to the end with Ronnie. I think she's simply telling him what he wants to hear in order to stay off the block for another week.

When it comes to Michele I get very Janet Jackson. I look at her and I just want to say, "What have you done for me lately?" She's NEVER around. I always forget she's even an HG this season. She's stopped dressing up in her hooker outfits so I'm never entertained by her anymore. She is categorically the most boring HG ever. She spent one night talking about butthole pleasures and that made all the boys on the feeds dig her, but it's going to take a lot more than her unusual sexual appetite to win me over. I'd really like to see how she holds up when she's on the block. Does this girl have game or not? I need to see what she's made of.

This brings us to the man of the hour... Russell. I knew getting rid of him too soon would be a big mistake. Yes, he's an egocentric jerk, but he knows how to stir shit up. In the second episode of the CBS show Russell said in the DR that he started the Technotronic fight with Jeff to make Jeff look like an asshole. I didn't really believe him and thought he was just taking unnecessary credit for a fight that we all could see coming a mile away. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Starting fights is Russell's raison d'etre. It's his passion. It's his career. It's what he does best. It could get him very far in this game.

Russell's new mission is to create as much dissension within the house as is humanly possible before Friday. The more fights he can start and not be in the center of, the better the view looks from where he sits. First, he tells Lydia that Casey made a remark about having to carry her and Kevin. Second, he and Lydia discuss how Natalie thinks she can control Jessie. This gets Lydia's goat immediately. She resents how Natalie is always hanging all over Jessie and trying to fight his battles for him. Lydia tells Russell that if she wins HOH that she will not let Natalie use her shower.

Before I continue I need to touch on something that's been bugging me. Live Feeders have taken to calling Natalie filthy and dirty and claiming she never showers. Natalie takes a shower everyday - actually every night in the HOH room if she can. She's not dirty. She's not unhygenic. If you're going to pick on a girl for something at least pick on her for something that's factual. Nothing pisses me off more than people making up lies about someone just because they don't like them. Natalie is in and out of the pool all day. Why in the world would she shower and then go back into chlorine? Everyone needs to get off their high horse and make fun of her for what she really is - an annoying cheerleader that never shuts up.

OK back to Lydia and Russell. Russell set his sights on Lydia probably because she's overly emotional and she's beginning to resent Natalie being a cock blocker when it comes to Lydia and Jessie. Lydia was the perfect target for Russell to attack in order to start shit with Natalie. Well played Russell. Well played. To make sure that Russell's plan works, he also told Jeff that Lydia and Jessie slept together (a complete lie) and that Natalie will be furious when she finds out. Another point for Russell. He's now reeled Jeff in and opened his eyes to how easy it would be to split Jessie and Natalie up.

The funny thing about all of this is that I don't even think Natalie is Russell's true target. I think it's the great and wonderful manbeast Jessie. I think it would give Russell some kind of perverse pleasure to be the architect of Jessie's eviction. Once you cut the head off, the limbs scramble in confusion. Jessie is the head. Natalie, Lydia, Kevin and Chima are the limbs. Russell sees that Lydia is the way to the decapitation. He's bonded with Lydia and complimented her on her prowess. Together they can split up Natalie and Jessie for good.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Casey is dreaming of mutiny. He wants everyone to rise up from their single beds and revolt against Ronnie. Magellan didn't discover a new way to Europe without a mutiny or two and Casey will never discover peace in the BB house without one either. The head of Casey's beast he needs to destroy is Ronnie. Bless you Casey. May your battle bring you much joy and success.

Well, what about Laura you ask? What is Mine That Bird doing to keep herself safe this week? Oh she's crying. She's crying about missing out on a bikini promoting job this Friday. Damn BB for evicting her on a week when she could have gotten paid! Uh Trigger, you're getting a stipend. Now shut your trap and fight to stay already! She blames the cast and the high school twist for putting her on the block. Honey it wasn't the casts fault. It was your fault. Had you not blown up in Jessie's HOH you would not be in the predicament you're in. Now get yourself together, brush your mane, and get a grip.

Eventually, Laura did make it into Ronnie's HOH and do you know what she did when she got there? She threw Jordan under the bus! She tells Ronnie that she holds no ill will against him and that she's sorry she blew up in the HOH at Jessie. She says it was her time of the month (when it doubt women, blame your period) and she was highly emotional. She goes on to tell Ronnie that keeping Jordan is a mistake and that doesn't everyone realize that Jordan and Jeff are a team. Jordan can't win competitions and protect Ronnie if he needs it, but Laura can. Laura is ready to promise Ronnie that she'll put up Michele and Russell if she gets HOH. That's a good pony Laura. *strokes her coat* That's how you play Big Brother. I'm proud of you. It took you long enough and it may be too little too late, but you gave an effort and I always give credit where credit is due.

Later that night Ronnie tells Natalie, Chima, Lydia and Kevin what Laura said about putting up Michele and Russell. The peanut gallery is having NONE of it. They want Laura out now. Chima claims Laura should have gone up Week 1 and since she didn't, it has to be done now. They all agree on one thing though - they fucked up not putting up Russell as Jeff's replacement. Ronnie knows his ass is gone if Russell wins HOH. He's trying to convince the NBK crew to keep Laura because he thinks Laura will help him out if Russell comes after him. Lydia impressed me a little in the pow wow when she told Ronnie that Laura is a caged animal and will do whatever she has to to stay in the house. Lydia tells Ronnie that Laura insulted his manhood by lying to him about wanting to help him out. HAHA! I love that.

The NBK alliance later further implodes when Lydia, Chima and Kevin dicuss how Ronnie and Russell need to be handled and how Jessie and Natalie need to be split up. Anyone saying that Kevin isn't playing, is just wrong. He's definitely playing. He's just very quiet about it. I think by him keeping to himself and not causing a ruckus will serve him well in the future. It just really bugs me that Kevin and Lydia have teamed up with Chima. Check out this new suballiances plans:

All this drama and fighting and whispering has all been leading to two things.... The Confrontation and The Meltdown. Russell confronts Ronnie and puts him straight. If you only watch a few clips in this post today, make it this one and the third one in the next cluster. Ronnie squirms and it's simply delightful. Russell trashes Laura saying, "Tears do work on guys. Big tits do work on guys." Russell basically negates EVERY SINGLE THING Laura told Ronnie. Laura has NO pull with Russell. Russell is planning on voting Laura out.

Here's what everyone in America has been waiting for... grab some popcorn and a beer and settle in for some fun people... Ronnie is BUSTED in front of everyone. I knew this would happen! I've been saying all week that Ronnie's shenanigans would come back to bite him in the ass. God I can't wait for Thursday! Before I said you could get away with only watching a few of these clips, but forget it. WATCH THEM ALL!!! It's so worth it. Trust me on this one.

The entire house is planning on how to take Ronnie down next week. The Brains are going to throw the HOH competition and Casey's dream of a mutiny will be realized. It's really quite unprecedented how the entire house has come together in a big love fest over their hate of one person. How great is this season I ask you? Seriously, it doesn't get better than this!

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Monday, July 20, 2009

How To Cheat And Alienate People

We were supposed to have the POV Ceremony yesterday but BB has pushed it to today. I wonder why. Are they scared that if Russell goes up he'll wreak havoc on the house? Are they manipulating Ronnie in the DR trying to get him to put a certain person up? Are the BB crew just insanely lazy and hungover from a big Saturday night spent at Saddle Ranch (that's actually NOT a Laura dig)? I have no idea, but there has to be a reason behind it.

So we're no closer to determining who Ronnie will be putting up in Jeff's place. He was flipping back and forth between Casey and Russell all day long again. I even started a drinking game on Twitter. You had to drink a shot whenever Ronnie flipped. I'm assuming there are a lot of twitter folks lying on their laptops right now dead from alcohol poisoning.

Very few noteworthy things happened yesterday, but one that made me laugh was when Jordan was telling Ronnie that she can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore. She calls him out for playing both sides and lying to everyone. The entire time I was watching this I was thinking "Shut up Jordan." Sure, she's 100% correct, but we all know that Ronnie doesn't like to be confronted and, true to form, Ronnie threw a little bitch fit following this conversation. Jordan is dead to him now. She was never on his radar before, but now she's at the top of his list.

Ronnie basically spent the rest of the day convincing everyone else how hard being HOH is. He knows he up shit's creek without a paddle and he's trying to do some sort of damage control. Here he is retelling the Jordan convo as he sees it. You can tell Casey is tired of Ronnie's bullshit, but he's being cautious because, unlike Jordan, he KNOWS not to come at Ronnie with all guns blazing. Ronnie needs to be approached like a little boy whose feelings you don't want to hurt. Casey, the teacher, excels at this.

Late last night Ronnie suggested that the NBK cheat in the HOH competition if it happens to be a "majority rules" set up. As sleazy as this is, it's pretty damn clever. I don't think I ever remember HG's coming up with a plan to cheat at HOH. He tells the NBK that if it's a majority rules comp that they should all pick A. No matter what the question is, just pick A. It's not a particularly complicated cheating plan, and they'll definitely run into trouble when only they're left and they're all still picking A, but I kind of have to admire Ronnie's ingenuity. Maybe the best ideas come out of complete and utter paranoia. You know next week Ronnie is going to be shitting his pants. I wonder what else he's going to come up with in order to ease his insecurity for the coming week.

In short, it's looking like Team Jeff has given up. Whether Casey or Jordan goes up in Jeff's place, Laura will still be going home. Laura played too little too late. That blow up in Jessie's HOH instantly sealed her fate. I will not miss her in the least. You can only watch someone adjust their boobs so much you know.

Laura grew up in a small town in the hills of Georgia. Her ma and pa (when he was around) were friendly with the bottle so Laura had to learn on her own what it meant to be a woman. She was a scrawny kid with long stringy brown hair and a face that wasn't doing anybody any favors. That all changed the summer before she turned 12. Little painful buds of breasts began to push forth against her tattered tank tops. It was that summer that she began to always tug at her shirts. It's a habit she's never been able to shake.

That September when she went back to school, the boys began to look at her differently. Even the pretty rich girls who had MTV and Guess Jeans would stop and pause whenever Laura walked by. Laura's family's money all went to Scotch and Spam so even though her body was growing, her clothes did not. She was the only girl in her school to have breasts and she made it her mission to buy herself a pretty white lace bra with a little pink flower in the middle. It was then that she realized that her breasts could make her money. She'd go down to the abandoned gas station on the edge of town and charge the boys 50 cents to take a peek at her new bubbies. For $1.00 they could touch them.

After only a week of clumsy hands all over her breasts, she had made $50... enough to buy 3 bras and a giant bottle of hydrogen peroxide. Laura's mom, Nigella, was always too busy cooking up her meth and selling oxy to get her kids proper dental care so the hydrogen peroxide was how Laura kept her teeth clean. She had always wanted bright white pearly teeth like the girls who lived in Mulberry Estates had. Every night after Nigella lay passed out in front of Ricky Lake reruns, Laura would take her one and only clean Q-tip and rub the hydrogen peroxide over her teeth for 20 minutes every night. It's a ritual she's maintained her entire life.

In high school when the cruel reality hit Laura that her boobs would one day stop growing she'd clutch that string that was once her Q-tip and cry salty tears onto her stained pillow. All the girls had breasts now... some even bigger than hers. The boys never bothered to look in her direction now. Her face had gotten long and slightly manly. Nick Auerback, the cutest boy in school, would neigh and whinny whenever she walked by. She HAD to think of a way to show everyone she was special. She didn't want to be Horsey Laura, the daughter of the local meth dealer, anymore. She wanted to be famous and beautiful and have girls be jealous of her. I mean, isn't that what every girl wants?

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Flip-Flop, Pit Stop, Truck Stop, Stupid Fop

Once again the feeds went down for several hours for the POV competition and once again people were foaming at the mouth at not being able to see anything. If you can't afford $10 a month for Big Brother and you complain that you want a refund everytime we can't see something, then perhaps you shouldn't be sitting around watching the live feeds all day. With the way people talk I'm imagining burly mountain men and women watching Big Brother in a rickety old shack on a side of a mountain with skinned rabbits hanging from tree branches, shoeless children chasing each other around, and no running water. We NEVER see competitions (unless it's an HOH endurance comp) and I'm glad for it. It makes the CBS shows much more exciting not knowing exactly what's going down.

Now that that's off my chest we can get to what everyone has been talking about. Yes, Jeffy Pooh has won the veto and the patron saints of bored homely women everywhere broke out into song. It looks like Jeff has finally decided to join the land of living and play a little game we all call Big Brother. Good for you Jeff. It's about bloody time. What took you so long?

So Jeff won and sad horsey Laura went to her meager quarters to wrap herself in an itchy blanket and neigh... er, I mean, cry. What can she do but cry? It's not like this game changes oh, I don't know, every couple of hours. It's not like the biggest upsets come when a POV is won. It's not like Russell has been pissing off his crew since late last night as WITNESSED BY YOU LAURA!!! Get off your ass and start making some deals. For someone who fancies herself as a smart girl, you sure do play stupid well.

The big question now, of course, is who will Ronnie put up in Jeff's place? If he puts up Jordan, he'll anger Jeff and Jordan, but Laura is almost a certainty to go home. If he puts up Russell, he'll have to put up with Russell's wrath for the next 4 days and risk Laura coming after him as soon as is humanly possible. If he puts up Casey, he'll confuse everyone and possibly still manage to send Laura home. So what's a dork to do?

A dork is going to spend the next several hours flip-flopping and pissing me off. Here's what I want to happen: I want Jordan or Casey to go on the block and Laura to go home. If Ronnie wastes this opportunity to get rid of Laura he's a bona fide idiot. She's made it clear to EVERYONE that she wants to get Ronnie out of the game. She's going to go after Ronnie with all snouts steaming. What Laura should have done immediately after the POV was approach Ronnie and promise not to go after him if he backdoored Russell. If she's as smart as she says she is, she would have noticed the crack in that alliance last night and she would have acted on it as soon as the opportunity presented itself. Right now the only thing Ronnie is concerned about is Ronnie. Assure him his safety and Laura can play a long and fruitful game if she wants.

Instead Jeff and Jordan went up to the HOH and an incomprehensible meeting went down. I say "incomprehensible" because I have no idea what Jeff's point was. Jeff obviously doesn't want Jordan on the block so he chose to belittle, insult, and threaten Ronnie into not putting her up. Sure some of the things Jeff said were true, but Ronnie doesn't take kindly to threats at all. As soon as you threaten him you become enemy #1. Why do you think Laura is in the block on the first place? I'm kind of astounded at how little finesse these players have. Some people crumble when approached by anger (BB8) and some people retaliate and fight back (BB11). If there's one thing this season has proved in it's very short life, it's that anger and outbursts get punished and sent home. Jeff should know this and act accordingly.

What everyone in the house can agree on is that they don't want Jordan going home. Jordan is the least threatening person in this house. She's so adorably clueless that it will be cake getting her out a little later. Let her sit on the back burner for a while. Jordan has one advantage over every single person in this house and that is stupidity. Not one person in that house thinks this girl is smart. Let's face it, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, but that doesn't have to be her problem. It could be her advantage. She needs to continue acting dumb while simultaneously taking in everything that's going on around her. Slowly, very slowly, she's realizing that this is a game that is ALWAYS played. I'd like to see her take that information and keep it to her herself. I'd like her to play even more stupid and gather as much info as possible so she can get her ass to week 8 and blow everyone away. I know I'm reaching for the stars here, but I like Jordan. Her innocence is endearing.

At one point last night Jordan was actually sitting in the HOH room while Team Chima told her straight to her face that she's not playing a good game. Jordan had no clue what they meant. She literally had no idea that she should be playing all the time. Typically, I wouldn't let anyone get away with something as moronic as this, but Jordan was recruited. She didn't try to get on Big Brother. Big Brother found her.

Jordan was walking home late one night from the Pit Stop Truck Stop. She liked to listened to the insects of the night singing their opera to the stars. It was a good night at the Pit Stop. She narrowly escaped bruise free and that older fella that had been watching her all night left her a $10 tip. Only $100 more and she could buy her aeroplane ticket to Californ-I-A. As she made her way to her trailer she envisioned all the things she was going to do when she got to Hollywood. She was going to stick her toes in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. She wanted to go the Reg Bev Wil where Pretty Woman worked. But her biggest plan was to go to the Hollywood sign and rest her hand lightly on the 'H'. She'd close her eyes and pray. She'd pray really really hard and really really long that someone would discover her and turn her into the next Reese Witherspoon. It was in the middle of this nightly fantasy that she heard a horn honking. She looked over and peered into the car. It was the old man who had given her the $10 tip. He rolled down his window and revealed a large curly haired woman in the back seat. She leaned over, stuck her hand out the window and said, "Are you Jordan? Hi, I'm Alison Grodner. How'd you like to go to California?"

Ronnie's other option is to put up Russell. Thanks to Natalie's inaccurate eavesdropping she's got all the NBK crew (Natural Born Killers - the "natural"/no plastic surgery HG's - Chima, Lydia, Kevin, Jessie, Natalie) believing that Russell is in cahoots with Team Jeff. When Natalie gets an idea in her mind she has to run with it. Jessie is cautious though. He thinks it too early to get rid of Russell. Russell is an Athlete and if he wins HOH Jessie and Natalie are safe for another week. Excellent point Jessie. It behooves Natalie to keep Russell in, but she just can't grasp that idea. Russ spoke to Jordan - a crime against man - he must be punished now.

Ronnie, during BBAD, decided to backdoor Russell. He told Jordan to act like she was going on the block. If she blew her cover and Russell found out, then Jordan would go on the block herself. It was like an assignment and one that Jordan was excited to pull off. The only problem was that as Jordan was downstairs playacting like she was going on the block, Ronnie was once again changing his mind. Jessie was peeved that Ronnie would ever make a deal with Jordan so early in the night. He insists that Jordan will NEVER win HOH. She's the last person anyone needs to be making deals with. She's a waste of time. You make deals with people of power. Jessie learned this rule the hard way.

While Jessie is an obnoxious meathead, he actually does bring a lot of wisdom to the game. He's been here before. That's a HUGE advantage. You don't unnecessarily ruffle any feathers, you don't make promises you can't keep, and you don't make alliances with people who can't play the damn game. No one understands these simple rules. Chima is too busy being anti anyone who pisses her off. Natalie it too busy fabricating imaginary alliances. Lydia is too busy getting her feelings hurt. Kevin is too busy trying to lay low. And Ronnie is too busy acting like he's the King of all things Big Brother. What's the one thing they have in common? They're all playing personal. You don't play personal in BB. You play strategic. Not one of them is thinking with their heads, they're all thinking with their hearts.

Ronnie then flips again. Ideally, Jeff shouldn't use the veto at all, but they all know that's never going to happen. He'll put up Casey (since he promised to protect Jordan) and Laura will go home and that will be that. He shares the info with Jeff and Jordan, but at this point Jeff is beyond ever believing anything Ronnie has to say anymore. Boy has flipped 18 times and he'll flip 18 more before they night is through. Hell, he'll flip before the conversation is through. Jordan told Ronnie that Russell called him fat and, once again, voila... Russell is now going back on the block.

Ronnie runs back up to HOH and shares his decision. Jessie is pissed. You don't nominate someone because they call you fat. What the hell kind of game play is that? In the midst of Ronnie's flipping, everyone else begins flopping like a fish out of water as well. Over the course of the night, Natalie goes from wanting Russell up to wanting Laura to go to home. Lydia goes from being scared of Russell to being scared of Laura. It's like an ADD nightmare in that damn house. I have a mind to fly over and throw some adderrall out of a plane with a note that says, "Make up your fucking minds already bitches!"

Laura, in the meantime, is clueless and threatening to eat. If she'd only get her head out of her ass and take a look around her she could see that all hell is breaking loose in the house. Why she doesn't march up to the HOH and cut a deal with Ronnie is beyond me.

Later (typing this is as exhausting as watching this was) Ronnie pulls Laura into the HOH. He's going to pitch his plan, but he doesn't want to be interrupted. Jordan is supposed to make sure Natalie or Jessie don't come up the stairs. What do you think happens then? Natalie comes bouncing up the stairs. Mental note, when you want a mission done do NOT put Jordan on it! Laura runs and hides in the bathroom. Natalie says she'll vote how Ronnie wants her to and then she leaves. Ronnie explains the Backdoor Russell Plan to Laura and tells her to keep it a secret.

I'm running out of steam folks... Laura is given new life. Jessie is frustrated. Jordan is dying to tell the secret. Jeff tells Jordan to stop being stupid. Natalie is saying she'll tell people whatever they want to hear, but she'll vote how she wants to. It's terrible exhausting and annoying.

The long and short of it is this. Russell may be going on the block, but there's no way in hell I'm going to predict he's definitely going home. The way this crew is flipping, it wouldn't surprise me if Laura ends up going home after all. Actually, I hope she does and I hope Russell gets infuriated and comes after Ronnie like gangbusters. No matter what happens next week one thing is for sure. Ronnie is fucked. His bullshit last night was his dumbest move ever. He should have had a plan, stuck to the plan, and not cared what anyone else said. Now he's wishy-washy, even more untrustworthy, and a complete liabilty to everyone. The only prediction I'm willing to make is that Ronnie is going home much sooner than later. He's lost all my respect at this point after last night's shenanigans and I'm really looking forward to seeing him cry sometime soon.
Here's your whacky video of the day. It's a Braden's best bits set to the tune of Wipeout. LOL

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