Saturday, August 25, 2012

Golden Balls

Created as a punishment, created out of clay, Pandora was molded by the hands of gods. Prometheus, a dandy trickster of sorts, stole the secret of fire for humankind and needed to be punished. His punishment? A beautiful evil named Pandora sent to walk amongst men and seize their every waking thought. Spinning on a potters wheel, Pandora rose up and began to take shape. Her limbs perfect, her skin flawless. But the gods didn't stop there. They gave her gifts - gifts of seduction, gifts of deceit. Fully formed and complete, Pandora beguiled those around her with her silky robes and her garland dripping hair. And all the while she lugged around a jar. An ornate jar with a cork stuck in its top. The jar, much like herself, tempted and teased, taunted and tantalized. What was inside, she wondered day in and day out. Was it wine? Was it an elixir? Was it a way to keep Dan Gheesling from going home? The only way to answer these questions was for Pandora to pop the cork. And pop it she did. Let's recap, shall we?

So, the hairy knuckled finger of Allison Grodner is at it again. Shunning all that is organic (game play, strategy, food), Grodner and her flunkies favor the processed cheese coated manufactured crap we get year in and year out. It's Pandora's Box time, bitches! The feeds were down for a good portion of the day and since I like the nightlife and like to boogie, I saw very little yesterday but will try my best to summarize what we know so far.

The morning begins with Frank and Joe in the Arcade Room. Joe wants to know from Frank exactly what it is that bugs him so much about Dan. Oh, let me answer this Joe! Pick me, pick me! Joe ignores my cries while Frank tells him that it is pretty much everything since day one with Dan. He made promises he didn't intend on keeping, he won't answer any questions, and the scum bagging... my god, the scum bagging! I still have no idea what that is by the way. Is it like tea bagging?

Anyhow, Frank goes on to tell Joe that the live studio audience cheered for him during that POV because they all know who shady Dan is. Call me crazy, but I think the crowd groaned when Frank won. Weren't they cheering for Shane? Joe nods and replies, "You got a lotta support out there man." Joe then tells Frank that the reason he couldn't vote for Boogie on Thursday night was because he had a debt to pay to Shane for saving him. Today that debt is all paid up and Joe is a free agent again.

Naturally, Joe runs straight to Britney and tattles everything that Frank told him. Britney stares into her giant mug of French Vanilla Creamer and tells Joe that there is nothing they can do to save Dan. Joe agrees and tells her that Frank also thinks he has Ian's vote. He makes it very clear to Britney that Frank never wavered once from wanting to get Dan out. Frank wants him out this week come hell or high water. He's not even considering another name. Joe also tells Britney that Frank isn't going to put him up on the block this week. All he wants from Joe is Joe's vote. Joe says the only chance they have to save Dan is to win POV.

The feeds go down for a while and there is lot of speculation as to whether or not it is Pandora's Box. Apparently, Frank has been locked out of his room for a while. It is a false alarm though and when the feeds return the HG's find a new smaller table. Joe declares, "Meals are gonna be tight!" Yes, tight and full of typhoid thanks to your pee fingers. Plus, we find out that the Have-Not's (Dan) got mozzarella and matzo.

The feeds go down again and this time it is the real deal. Pandora's Box.

When the feeds return, we find Ian pacing again frantically hither and thither. He's mumbling to himself, "Every man for himself, right?" Britney and Frank try to console him and it is here that we discover how Ian actually won something called the Golden Ball Of Veto. The Golden Ball Of Veto is literally a gold ball that lets Ian take one person off the block. The only drawback is that he can't play in the POV tomorrow.

So while Ian is pacing and calling himself a "scumbag" (Oh shut up.) over the fact that he actually won something, Dan lolls about in another room smiling to himself. Boy, is he happy he never ratted out Ian! He was going to tell Frank everything that little pipsqueak was up to but never got around to it. And now, here we are, with Ian holding the power to save Dan. Isn't that funny how that happens? Dan's only worry is if Frank nominates Ian because then Ian will surely use the power to save himself.

All of this makes Dothraki Danielle very angry. Very very angry. Just look at that face. Look at those eyebrows slicing the sky. They're like little hairy machetes of malice. Our kind-hearted Florence Nightingale wants to turn Ian into a football and punt him across the yard. *beams* We are so on the same wavelength Danielle. My eyebrows don't have that same razor's edge that yours do, but Ian unnerves me to the core.

Frank joins Dan & Danielle and here is where we learn that Frank was actually locked up in the HOH throughout Pandora's Box. He had envelopes with different dollar amounts on them and he took the one worth $3000. Out in the backyard, there was something with balls and quarters. I think quarters were hurled at the HG's (Danielle keeps saying how much they hurt) and then they were used to play that grabby arcade game thing. From the sound of it, Dan got very ugly during the game and is embarrassed by how he acted.

I'll be honest, I kind of checked out for the rest of the day, but here is what we know: Frank wants Dan out of the game. Ian has a Golden Ball Of Veto. Frank now needs to make his nominations. One would think Frank would nominate Ian in order to get Ian to remove himself and make his GBOV null and void. I mean, right? RIGHT?! He should nominate Ian and someone else like Shane. Then, when Ian pulls himself off, he puts up Dan. Plus, with that other POV hanging out there in the wind, Shane would surely kill to get it if he was on the block (which would be a good thing because the last thing Frank wants is Dan winning POV). But noooooo. No. You want to know who Frank nominates? Frank nominates Dan and Danielle. FRANK NOMINATES DAN AND DANIELLE!

Help me out here because I'm struggling to comprehend all of this. Ian says he won't use his GBOV because he feels bad going against Frank again because of what he did to him and Boogie last week, but still. Still! There are no guarantees in this life and I can't believe Frank would be so careless. His intuitions haven't been half bad thus far in the game so maybe he knows something I don't. *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea.

Alright, I've got to end this here today. Sorry this was so short, but you can hear me tonight on another episode of the Big Brother Gossip Show where I'm sure we'll flesh this all out a little more. So, what do you guys think? Did Frank make a mistake with his nominations? Will Ian stick to his word? If I tape razor blades to my eyebrows, will I look like Danielle? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Friday, August 24, 2012

Quacking Up

There are some people in the universe who feel. They feel everything - sadness, pain, desperation, delusions, crazy clawing on the inside of their skulls. These "feelers" are otherwise known as Empaths and they are an extremely gifted and rare bunch. If you scour a crowd and find that one crackpot huddled in a corner mumbling and drooling with mascara running down her face, you've found one! These highly evolved individuals stare wild eyed with a heightened sense of awareness. The world around them is a neverending torture chamber - or at least that's what I learned from that one episode of Charmed. Some people accept the label of Empath with a sense of duty, a sense of pride. Others, like a certain southern belle with eyebrows of only the most powerful Dothraki, fights against her psychic gifts with all the might her pudgy little hands can muster. She claws and scrapes and kicks and screams, but the noises in her head only get louder and louder. Relent sweet Danielle. Embrace. Surrender and accept. Let's recap, shall we?

So. So! Where to start. Where to begin. Where to pick up the pieces and drag our carcasses through this clusterfuck. I won't go too much into last night's show because I'll have plenty to say on that matter tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Let us instead pick up where the live show ends. Julie has let down her side pony, Boogie is giving "big ups" (whatever those are) to anyone and everyone, and Ashley has been rolled offset to be squeezed out for toxins. If she releases any of the noxious gasses burbling inside of her out into the atmosphere, we'll all be high for the better part of a week... which actually doesn't sound that bad. Nonetheless! If we peer inside the technicolor nightmare that is the BB14 house we will find Ian. A frantic pacing Ian.

This way and that. Flit flat. Hither and thither he goes. Keep moving, keep moving or the stillness will get you! He paces up and down the halls. He paces out and about in malls. In a boat, on a goat, through the din, into a win? Eventually, the young pacemaker makes his way into the Storage Room where Frank is trying to get a word in edgewise, but it's kind of difficult when Ian is nothing but a blur. Whish! Whoosh! Catch me if you can!

Finally, Frank gets Ian in a headlock and expresses no ill will towards the young lad. I don't get it at all, but Frank tells Ian that he and Boogie love him like a little brother. Ian wriggles around and asks, "Are you sure?" Frank tells him, "No harm. No foul. If you have my back this week, Mike will let it all go." And then he gave Ian a head noogie and farted.

Back in the house, Joe is steaming mad. That high blood pressure pre-diabetic redness burns his skin while he fumes about Boogie's speech, "HE NAMED MY WIFE AND MY SON." Joe says it was incredibly uncool for Boogie to use his family as a way to get to him. The hairy french fry on his chin quivers as his veins come dangerously close to bursting.

Meanwhile, in the Foot Room, we find sadness personified. Thick salty tears stain the pillowcase as the weight of the world sits heavily on Danielle's shoulders. Murky black puddles of mascara sit nestled in her cleavage and we can only sit and watch at home while dabbing our own tears. One might ask why Danielle is crying, but a better question would be - why isn't she crying? Danielle cries for you, she cries for me, she cries for us all, people! But this time, this one little speck of time, she cries for America. Our puffy macaroon doesn't think that America loves her. (Just wait Danielle...) She caught wind of the live audience cheering when Frank won that POV and now she is convinced that she is no longer America's Sweetheart. Now you listen to me Danielle. You are my America's Sweetheart. You are my own delicious little nutball of crazy. In fact I want to lick you up and down and all around. Then I want to grind your bones with a mortar and pestle and snort you up so I can take you with me always.

While Danielle and I are having a moment together (her crying for me, me daintily applying little glitter hearts to my nipples), Shane prances in and stares at her. "You're crying again?" he asks. "Go ahead and cry." Ouchie Shane. You kiss your boyfriend with that mouth? Such venom for a fop in pastel!

Britney enters next and sighs heavily seeing Danielle on the bed. She reluctantly asks, "What's wrong?" Danielle sniffles and weeps how Frank was saying bad stuff about Dan and Ian. She'll never turn her back on Dan, ever! And then it hit me... how great would it be if Dan wasn't married? If Danielle could wriggle her bosoms up against him at night and drawl into his ear about what a great Coach he is. Damn! The possibilities!

Meanwhile Shane tells Britney that he'll try to throw the upcoming HOH to either her or Dan. Britney wants it for herself though. She hints to Frank that it's her birthday so she should have HOH to hear from her husband. Franks asks Britney if she'll put up Dan if she wins it. Britney replies, "If that's what you want." Frank says, "Yeah."

Through the magic of a new paragraph we fast forward through time and space to the other side of the HOH. Guess what, bitches? Frank has won the HOH. Dan, I believe, is the only Have-Not this week. Now, I still dislike Frank with every fiber of my being and the creamed corn stench from his nether regions makes me gag, but I'm glad he won this week. Above all else, I want Dan out of the house and the rest of that Quack whatever Pack squirming with discomfort. I want them antsy and jostled. Rattled and discombobulated.

BBAD begins and we find Joe and Frank having a little chat. Frank tells Joe that he isn't putting him on the block. Joe replies in shock, "REALLY?" Frank says, "You know who I want out." Joe nods that he does. Frank tells Joe that he won't put him on the block as long as he votes out who Frank wants. Joe says ok.

Out in the Living Room, Britney looks a little concerned. She whispers to Ian that he has to keep her off the block this week. Why don't you keep yourself off the block Britney? Stop getting everyone else to do your dirty work for you. Britney says that if Frank puts up Dan and Joe that they need to vote Dan to stay because Frank can't play in HOH next week. Ian sits silently and doesn't say anything. Eventually, he gets up to leave.

Dan comes in and asks Britney who Ian thinks will go on the block. Britney tells him that she told Ian to try to get Dan and Joe on the block. Immediately, Dan doesn't like hearing his name thrown into the mix. It makes him extremely nervous. Britney assures him that she told Ian that he has to vote to keep Dan. She also tells him that he has a good chance of getting Jenn's vote this week.

A little later, Dan still hasn't moved from the couches, but Britney is long gone. We now find Joe in her place. Dan whispers to Joe that he's almost positive he's going on the block. Dan says he doesn't think he has a shot at all to win against anyone left in this game (Oh puh-lease!). Dan says he still won't change the way he's been playing this game. He'll continue salsa-balling and dicking around. I have no idea what "salsa-balling" is, but I think it involves some Chi-Chi's salsa and Dan's shorts around his ankles.

After Britney gets manhandled a bit by Danielle and smacked on the ass with a spatula by Shane for her birthday, Ian finally gets his HOH basket. In it he finds beads from his very first Mardi Gras as well as Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Pop Tarts, and KitKat. Danielle immediately falls to her knees and starts shoving it all into her shirt as Ian reads his letter. It is from his mom and she is very proud of him yadda, yadda, yadda. At the end of the letter she tells him to be good and play and honest game. It is here where Ian starts to cry. What's wrong Ian? Is the fact that you helped get out someone who was loyal to you gnawing at your man tits?

When the merriment of the basket dies down, Joe and Dan steal away to the bathroom. Joe wants to try to figure out a way to get Ian on the block. He says the one thing they don't want is Shane on the block. They need Shane to play in the veto and pull Dan off if he's nominated. Joe adds that actually if any one of them win POV they'll take Dan off the block. Why?! So another one of them can go up in his stead. You are so stupid Joe. Count on Joe bad mouthing Ian to Frank all day long today. He'll definitely bring up how two-faced Ian has been all last week.

A little later on we find Danielle and Britney in the bathroom whispering madly to each other. Joe approaches and tells them that Frank told him he's not going on the block. Danielle's eyebrows flit upward as she asks, "Did he say you weren't going up or going home?" Joe tells her that he's not going up. Britney looks at Danielle with bulging eyes. Joe continues and says that Dan is Frank's target. No questions about it. He tells them how when people go make a deal with Frank, Frank will tell them either they vote Dan out or risk going up on the block themselves. Joe says they need to figure out a way to get Ian on the block. (Ian is on Joe's shit list this week.)

Danielle hears all of this and gives Joe the side eye, "Did he say I was going up?" Joe replies, "No ma'am. No, not at all. Not one iota." Joe reassures her that all Frank talked about was Dan. Danielle sighs and says she's afraid she'll be going up beside Dan.

Joe leaves the girls and Britney sighs, "What are we going to do Danielle?" Danielle says, "I'm in trouble. If Frank said that, I'm in trouble." Danielle looks at Britney with her soggy eyes and asks Britney if she thinks she'll stay over Dan. Britney says yeah. She still wants to try to get Joe on the block against Dan though.

Shane joins the girls and collapses with his petticoats around him. Fanning himself he says he can't believe everything Frank pulled off today. He was on the block, he lost Boogie, he won POV, he won HOH, and now he'll probably get a Pandora's Box with a cool power. (I really think Shane thought he was getting a Pandora's Box last week) Shane thinks whatever power Frank gets will be a good one. No way the wizards (Production???) will give him anything bad.

I'll close this today with Frank getting yet another HOH room. It's the usual Frank stuff. You know that thing he does where he raises everything up one by one and announces it to the world. Like this... "Beeeeeers!". "Baaaagel Biiiites!", "More Sooosh! (aka sushi)", "Ice Cream Snickers Baaaaars!", etc. Again, Danielle dives face first into the basket and I haven't seen her since so eventually we'll need to check that she has some air underneath all of Frank's flavored nuts.

And that's that. That's it for now. It looks like Frank will nominate Dan and Danielle. His theory is that if he can't get out Dan, then he'll get out one of Dan's alliance members. As long my porkpie Danielle is safe, I like it. I want Dan gone this week!

So, what do you guys think? Is Dan in trouble? Will Frank turn on Ian? Exactly how annoying will Joe be this week (especially if they take away his grill)? How happy are you that Danielle hasn't discovered the miracle that is waterproof mascara? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Cowardly Ninja

Today we meet the cowardly ninja. I know when you think "ninja" you think mercenary, espionage, sabotage, everyone kung fu fighting, cats as fast as lightning... in fact, it's all a little bit frightening. Well, readjust that thinking my bitches. Just click, click, click the gears and pulleys in your noggins and look upon life in a new way. The pussy way. The run into a corner clutching your Bible way. Because that is what ninjas do you know. In this new millenium the ninja is a peacekeeper. He's a project manager. He's a rolodex, a file-o-fax. He reads self-help books and outlines all the key points on index cards. "Quiz me wife!" he shouts. He preplans and card catalogs his tweets months in advance. And then, in the thick of battle, he creeps about on tiptoes melting into the background refusing to speak until spoken to while his heart races and his bowels quiver. He may fool some of the pudding faces in that Big Brother house, but he doesn't fool me! Let's recap, shall we?

It is the day of the big POV ceremony. Frank and Boogie are on the block and Frank was won the POV. Tirelessly these two have been working overtime trying to get Dan backdoored. They've reasoned and argued, they've pleaded and cajoled. And in their minds they're doing a smashing job. Everything is lining up just so. Shane, the HOH, seems to be nodding a lot which can only be a good thing, right? There is a problem though. There is a spindly silver dollar nippled problem lurking about the house. It's Ian. That insufferable Ian. That larvae caught in the cocoon Ian. He has defected from Frank and Boogie and has decided to feed all of their secrets to the other side of the house. Personally, I struggle to find the sense in leaving a smaller more powerful alliance for that big ole silent quack mess that can't seem to hold onto its members. It's all very strange, but when has anything ever made sense in Big Brother?

So, the day begins with some last minute pitches from both Frank and Boogie. They know that the key to getting Shane on their side is to get in the last word. The problem is, this week - OF ALL WEEKS - Shane is steadfast. He is unflappable. He has decided he'll wear those pink tank tops and be Dan's bitch boy. He is a powerful Andrew Ridgeley oak this week. Everything Frank and Boogie say falls on deaf ears. Nodding smiling deaf ears. "I understand, yeah you make a good point" deaf ears. Frank & Boogie, who usually have impeccable women's intuition, are uncharacteristically snowed this week. And shit is about to get real.

Bam! It just got real. That is not a happy prayer face my friends. That is a "WTF just happened?!" face. The POV ceremony went down as planned. Frank pulled himself off the block and Jenn (who?) went up in his place. You knew it, I knew it, the house knew it. The only people that didn't know it were Frank, Boogie, and Jenn (who?).

Needless to say, Boogie is pissed. He's hurling fucks like sacks of dead babies. "I hate this kid. He's such a fucking phony," he sneers. "I gotta calm down before I interact with these motherfuckers." *giggles* Frank tells Boogie that the one good thing about Shane is that you don't have to do much to rile him up. You just spew out a couple of remarks and he gets all flustered.

Meanwhile, Jenn (who?) isn't exactly a happy camper. Britney tries to console her in the Arcade Room while Jenn insists she really did come into this house to play the game. Alright, come out, come out wherever you are. I'm on Candid Camera, right? You came to play the game Jenn? Oh come on! Look, I like you. Actually, I like you a lot and I'd love to have some cocktails with you and all of your tatted up friends, but you are NOT playing the game honey. I'm sorry, but you're not. I wish you were. Believe me, do I wish you were. You have no idea how desperate I am for someone to root for. (RIP Sweet Willie) Anyhow, Jenn tells Britney that it was her intention to lay low at the start of the game. It's ok though. Don't cry for Jenn, Argentina. She'll trudge onward. Jenn tells Britney it sucks that she's up against Boogie. Not only that, but she has no idea if she's the target or not. The geniuses upstairs have kept it a secret from her that she's a pawn. Britney hugs Jenn and the two part company.

Over in the Foot Room, Mescalin Mary (AKA Ashley) is trying to prop up her droopy eyes as she consoles Boogie. Boogie tells her that everyone will know what's up the second they see Dan's DR's. Ashley nods and agrees. She says Dan is always talking about his DR's and gets called in all the time. Boogie says everyone will realize that Dan is just a dirty dude. And that Shane... oy, don't get him started on Shane. Actually, yes, get him started on Shane! Boogie mumbles, "Shane is just Dan's bitch. That's what he is." PigPen Frank nods excitedly, "Dan is pulling Shane around by a leash and a dog collar." Hot.

Speaking of that dandy Shane, he is currently up in the HOH room with someone who has finally broken out of her shell. It's Jenn! Who? Jenn, that's who! She's that covered in ink girl who is a sneaky little delicious bitch when she puts her mind to it. Where have you been all my life Jenn?! So, Shane tells Jenn that she is, in fact, a pawn. Jenn retorts, "Pawns go home too." Shane does his nod, "I understand that." Stop understanding you neon daisy! You say you understand all the time. You understand this, you understand that, yet you don't understand that grown men shouldn't dress like 14 year old girls. After Shane is done understanding, he apologizes to Jenn. Maybe he was misled. Maybe he was given false information. *face palm* He should have gone to her earlier. Oh well, I guess she'll just have to campaign for votes now. *bites fist* He thought Jenn was giving information to Frank & Boogie. He thought her relationship was Boogie was even stronger than Ian's.

Jenn crouches over listening to all of this and you can just tell she's so disgusted. Who the hell wears bright white tennis shoes with jeans anyways? (This is a major fashion pet peeve of mine. Seriously, just don't do it. Especially men.) Shane insists that none of this is personal and that it's all strategic. He says, "I put a big target on my head from doing this." Jenn pauses for a second while the machine in her head goes click, click, click. Get ready. Here it comes. "You sure did!" she spits back. "You know you can't play for HOH next week." And there you have it. That was a threat, my friends. A simple tiny threat wrapped up in a neon pink bow. Enjoy Shane!

Oh but Jenn isn't done yet. She then goes downstairs to the Foot Room to talk to Boogie. She tells him all she can think about is a lyric from one of her Kittie songs... You look so pretty, digging your grave. Jenn then tells Boogie how she told Shane he can't play in HOH next week. She's surprisingly angry for someone who is not the target and, I gotta tell ya, I love it!

Then Ian and his jugs come bouncing into the room. "Grrrr, I'm so angry! Grrr, I just wanna go out and start a fight with people. I might have to call Shane a fucking scumbag!" Oh pipe down Chachi. Shhh. You are not going to do any of those things. You're going to scour the house looking for crap to sell on eBay and then you're going to go swing in your hammock for 18 hours. Shut. Up.

And this brings us to what everyone has been waiting for. Boogie has collected his thoughts. He's calmed down a bit. And now it's time to unleash on that fairy fop Shane! *glitter falls from the sky* While sitting at the kitchen table dousing something or other in hot sauce, Boogie asks Shane, "I just want to know why you jerked us around." Shane replies that he was just trying to keep the POV Ceremony exciting for Big Brother. *looks around the room in confusion* Boogie says, "Because it looks like you like to jerk it. You're just Dan's bitch. He's in the DR laughing at you right now." Shane mumbles, "OK."

Boogie isn't done yet. Not even close! Boogie then says, "You're in a lot of trouble son. You better hope your boss wins HOH this week." Shane pretends to mess with some sundries on the counter, but really tinkle is running down his leg. "Is that a threat?" he asks. He continues, "I'm happy with my decision." Then, out of nowhere, Frank Costanza shouts, "You can stuff your sorrys in a sack!" Hang on a sec... *pads to the refrigerator, does a quick eenie meenie minie moe, and decides on the red bowl of glitter* Frank goes on, "Your boy Dan isn't helping you out at all right now."

Boogie eats his eggs or fois gras or whatever it is and announces, "Third place money, baby!" Annoying little gnat Ian asks, "You'll be going home with your stipend too. Is that like $20,000?" Boogie gently gnaws on a parsnip and chuckles, "A little more than $20,000... a little more." Try a LOT more. Try $100,000. And that doesn't include the $2000 a week stipend or prizes. Boogie continues munching on his Hot Pocket and says to Frank, "We gotta give it up to this guy, Frank. He's good. He's really good." 'He' in this case means Dan.

So lunchtime at Twenty-One is over and Frank and Boogie are back in the Foot Room again. Only this time, hairy french fry face Joe is there too. Boogie tells Joe he has no plans saying anything bad about Jenn this week. He actually likes the girl. He tells Joe that the other side of the house has nothing to offer him from here on out. If Joe sides with them and votes to keep Boogie, he'll always know where he stands with them. Boogie will never bullshit Joe and will probably, almost always, tell him some version of the truth. Joe nods and says he appreciates that. Give him 24 hours and he'll have a decision made. 100%. Just give him 24 hours to stew on it a little bit. At the end of the 24 hours he'll have his people call Boogie's people and then they can set up some face time for Joe to tell him that he is absolutely 100% voting to evict Boogie. Boogie replies, "I appreciate that."

Joe then asks Frank and Boogie if they think they have Ashley's vote. Boogie replies that it's 50/50 right now. Joe says that he'll need to know the status of her vote before he decides what to do. If he votes to keep Boogie and Ashley doesn't, he'll look like shit. Boogie nods and agrees. He realizes that Joe's nondecision is contingent upon Ashley.

Meanwhile, this whole time, Frank has been festering in his own funk. He blurts out to Joe, "Did you see Dan come help his boy (Shane) out? No! Boogie had my back in that fight with Willie and I've always appreciated that. I like how you stuck by Janelle. You stick to your fucking guns just like us." Frank would make a great militia leader, don't you think? He should frolic in the Texan countryside and hide bunkers of ammo throughout the wilderness. God, he's so weird.

Dan finally emerges from the DR, but Big Brother keeping the backyard locked up. There is nowhere to run Danny Boy. Frank and Boogie move into the Living Room where Dan is quietly not reading his Bible. It's an awkward silly silence where the boys are basically stalking Dan. Frank finally breaks the silence, "Mondays..." He laughs as Ian joins them. Someone shouts "Garfield!" and then Ian bellows, "Someone's got a case of the Mondays." Trust me, I know it's weird. Weirdly awesome!

With a shaking hand, Dan flips the pages of Ecclesiastes and remains mum. Boogie asks, "Are you just going to ignore us all week? It would be so much more fun if we could all just laugh about it. I tip my hat to you." Dan mumbles, "That's not necessary." Boogie chuckles to himself, "You're really fucking good. In the real world I hold no ill will against you, but in this game... I hate you." Funkified Frank doesn't like hearing this one bit, "I disagree!" Frank has no intention of liking Dan in the real world. Dan scumbagged him before Jury.

Boogie ignores his lover and jokes, "OK Dan we did a perfect job hiding our alliance. We did it! No one has any idea!" Everyone laughs but Dan. Boogie then sighs to himself and says Janelle is probably home right now with a giant dildo. Dan covers his ears hearing the word "dildo". Ewww sex! After another awkward silence Boogie says, "I don't know if you know this, but we don't get any extra money going to Jury. I don't know if Janelle told you that." And the Feeds cut.

Joe joins the sofa crowd at some point and the talk (Boogie talking to himself) turns to the Final 3. Boogie is telling everyone that if they're in the Final 3 with Dan, he will throw the final HOH comp so he doesn't have to slash Danielle's throat. Dan mutters that he hasn't thought that far ahead yet. Boogie scoffs, "Oh of course you have. You have it all worked out."

Rootin' tootin' Joe can't take it anymore. He just can't take it! Enough with the bullying! Stop bullying poor precious Dan! Boogie looks at Joe quizzically, "What bullying?" Joe says they're getting in everyone's faces. Boogie tells Joe that the only reason he think it is bullying is because Dan isn't say anything back. Boogie says Dan is counting on Joe feeling this way and that he shouldn't fall for it. Cowardly ninja. Frank farts and belches, "I'm allowed to be mad! I was scumbagged!" Boogie ignores Frank and tells Joe that he's not bullying Dan at all. He wants Dan to talk so they can laugh about it. Frank toots, "Boogie just tipped his hat to Dan! And what about lying and backstabbing? Isn't that bullying too? I got scumbagged!" You know, I have no idea what scumbagging is, but I can only assume it has something to do with not showering. If that's the case Frank, then yes, you got scumbagged.

Elsewhere, elsewhere, Danielle is crying. I know, right? What the hell does she have to cry about right now? I'll tell you what she's crying about. Her angina. And probably her vagina too. It's all floppy now. Yuck. Frank and Boogie are just so mean! Plus, she has a kind heart. And whenever people code on her table she tries, tries, to save them.  Almost every single time she tries. Alright, maybe 1 time out of 10. But she tries! *dumps breasts into chilled red glitter* Oh Danielle, my sweet, never change. Never ever change. I love everything about you now. You're insanity is like a lovely chunky finger yanking on my tank top. "Come closer," it whispers. I can't say no to it. I just can't. In fact, I want to roll around with it and wrestle like when you wrestle with Shane and your big vagina. Please let me wrestle with you Danielle. Please.

This is where I went to take a shower and when I came back I found a brand new Danielle in the HOH bathroom fighting with Britney. I have no idea why they were fighting or what started it, but it went something like this:

"I can't help it if I'm emotional!"
"Well, I'm just not."
"You're so judgmental! Your tone!"
"I know. My friends tell me that too."
"I just needed to cry!"
"You can't let Frank and Boogie get to you."
"I don't get mad! I get sad. Well, I get mad when I battle anorexia."
It's like the town of Anorexia is Bunker Hill.
"Their strategy is to pull you in because you're emotional and it's working."
"Do I look fat?"

The house simmered down a bit after that and everyone seemed to go their separate ways. The night, though, oy the night brought something special to yours truly. So, I love yoga. I live it, breathe it, smoke it, snort it. And I was very excited to hear about how Ashley is such an accomplished yogini. The problem is that she never does it! She never does it and she goes and gets herself injured. (I did a rant on this a while ago on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Seriously, it chaps my ass.) ANYHOW, last night Ashley finally decided to hold yoga class in the backyard. Jenn and Britney joined her and the following tragedy ensued.

The class begins with Ashley telling everyone to breath in love. That sounds fine and airy fairy and why not breathe in love, right? It's better than breathing in hate. She did some alternate nostril breathing which is a very real thing and it helps your brain. Although she did hers really fast and it was odd. Maybe it's Kundalini. I have no idea. I'm more of a Vinyasa Flow gal myself.

After the heavy breathing Ashley guided everyone into a Downward Dog. Will you take a look at her? That is NOT a Downward Dog. That's is a dog that has been kicked in the nuts. There is no way in hell this chick has done yoga for 10 years.

We then move onto Pigeon - one of my favorites. Instead I call this Rape The Pigeon. Ashley holding her weight like that will only injure her. What a hot mess.

Camel was my favorite though. Jenn kept rubbing her ass going "Oooh". That's not really Camel, but hey, it cracked my shit up. Surprisingly, Britney did very well here. She did well throughout the whole class actually. Apparently, she does Bikram on occasion. Good for you Britney!

This one is called Happy Baby, but I'm renaming it Dead Baby. I hate this pose because it's like going to the gyno. Fun!

And this one is for the pervs.

We get some final stretches.

And Namaste.

It was like the worst yoga class I've ever seen. And, oh my god, I hope they do it again! Only next time, they need to invite Danielle. Make it happen girls.

So, that's that. What do you think of Boogie and Jenn on the block? Does Boogie have a chance in hell at staying in the house? Will Jenn dig her own grave? Will Ian ever be found out? If I sold "Floppy Vagina" t-shirts, would you buy them? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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