Saturday, July 21, 2012

A Devil On The Run

In On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross theorizes that there are five stages of emotions a person goes through when experiencing loss. The first stage is Denial and goes something like this: Willie will be back. He's fine! Everybody is such a liar. He's probably just having a private Bible Study in the Diary Room. Then we move on to the second stage, Anger - Goddamn CBS m*therf*ckers! Don't EVER talk to me again! I hate you and I wish you were never born! Bargaining is the third stage - Maybe if we protest, maybe if we boycott... The fourth stage is Depression... Leave me alone. I don't have to get out of bed if I don't want to. The laundry can wait. I have a bundt cake to eat. Finally, we come to Acceptance - I accept that Allison Grodner can't make a goddamn TV show to save her life. I accept that her dumb ass twists are ruining Big Brother. I accept that my summer has officially been ruined. I accept that eating a bundt cake in the bed was a bad idea. Basically, I've gone through all five stages in about six hours. I didn't really eat a bundt cake but I did inhale an entire package of Twizzlers while chugging a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon with ground up sleeping pills floating in the glass while simultaneously yelling at my friends on Twitter. Now I'm just tired and cranky and wondering where the hell all my Twizzlers went. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a fart. A big old stinky Frank fart. A squishy wet "someone's gotta change their shorts" fart. And then it was all downhill from there. The house is in a tizzy over dear sweet fairy sprite Willie and all anyone can talk about is that new Coach Power that allows a Coach to trade one of their players for another player.

Britney is especially bunged up about everything as she advises Shane and JoJo to keep their distance from Willie. Shane agrees wholeheartedly and blames his upcoming shitty week in the house on fluffy puppy Willie. Since whining is contagious (thank you very much Britney), Shane whines, "We're in this situation because of him!" JoJo nods her head emphatically and agrees. The bitch actually agrees. Last night she was a loyal solider in our fight against the Coach Tyranny and today she's turning state's evidence and wearing a wire. You know how people say chivalry is dead? Well I think loyalty is dead. You can't trust anyone anymore and it's depressing.

Britney then turns to JoJo and tells her to keep her mouth shut this week (I wonder where she learned that from - Saint Willie!). "Do not say anything to anyone on Janelle's team." Then, for the two thousandth time, Britney has another pity party for herself over the how the other Coaches are essentially telling her to throw up her white flag this week.

Up in the HOH room where all of the most hideous smells of the universe are trapped, Boogie is telling Frank that even though they have Ian on their side 100%, it's tempting to trade him for Shane if he wins the Coaches' Challenge. Boogie isn't all that confident in Ian pulling through for them in a future crucial competition. Wil then enters and Boogie mentions the possibility of Britney trading Willie for Wil. Wil leans over to tie his mukluks and says it doesn't matter whose team he's on, he won't change his allegiance. He just doesn't want to be with JoJo because he hates her.

Britney enters and asks to speak to only Frank and Boogie. I swear, any room that Jenn is in, she's guaranteed to get kicked out of. So Britney wants to know what the dilly-o is and Frank says he needs to wait and see who wins the Coaches' Competition. Boogie, however, is chock full of ideas and does all of the speaking for that loser Frank. Boogie throws scenario after scenario at Britney wondering what she'd do, who she'd trade Willie for, who her team would nominate down the road, etc. Britney, on the other hand, is basically looking for someone to tell her that it's OK to trade Willie. She needs the boys in the HOH to be behind her idea of trading Willie for Danielle and getting Dan out of the game. Frank tells Britney that that's the only scenario he'll look down upon favorably. If Britney trades Willie to any other team, he'll nominate two of her players. No questions asked. That sounds threatening Frank. That sounds like bullying. (Note: I hate it when people bring up bullying. It's the word/cause du jour and I'm sick of it. Frank is a tool for turning his nomination speech into an anti-bullying PSA.)

Britney then goes on and on about how, to no avail, she tried to control Willie. No offense Britney, but this isn't your game. It's their game. You shouldn't be trying to control anyone. You shouldn't even be there. The beauty of Willie was that you couldn't control him. Do you really think we want to sit here and watch you idiots play puppet masters? Oh yeah, stifled personalities... that's fun! She then goes on a rant about how her game is over, her only options are which route to take to losing, and how it's all Willie's fault. Oh Britney... silly horrible Britney. Who was it that told Willie about the Coaches entering the game? Who was it that told Willie people were calling him homophobic?

Boogie then asks Britney what she thinks about his new theory that the evicted HG's are in sequester and, eventually, a Coach in the house will be able to choose one to come back. Britney thinks the chances are very high. She wonders if she trades Willie for Danielle and they evict Willie and Dan, would Dan come back if Willie does? Boogie strokes his chin and replies, "That's a great question, but I don't think so." Britney also wonders what would happen if someone came back and joins a team of 3, could that team then have a team of 4 (which is more than they had to begin with)? Boogie thinks it's a possibility.

Here is where it gets interesting and gross... Britney tries to tell Frank how loyal JoJo and Shane are. They were so loyal to Willie that they stayed with him even though his ship was sinking. Boogie likes hearing this because, in his mind, actions speak louder than words. He likes the loyalty potential lying within Shane. Frank, who has been reclining on the bed trying to keep his odors contained, finally pipes up and says that the reason he told Wil about Willie being homophobic was so he could get Ashley's vote. At first I didn't think anyone in the room caught it - Frank said it so fast and said it at such an odd moment in the conversation - but then Britney gets awkwardly quiet and you know the wheels are turning. I'm all for inventing lies to mess with someone else's game, but Frank was being outright malicious. The guy isn't clever enough to invent an alliance rumor or a phony conversation. He goes right to something personal that not only messes with someone's reputation, but hurt an innocent person's feelings. Frank is the worst kind of person because he does these things with an air of ease. With a shoulder shrugging, "So what?"

The conversation quickly turns back to whether or not to trade Willie. Britney says that trading him to Dan might actually be good for Willie. If anyone can rehabilitate Willie, Dan can. Boogie agrees saying that Dan takes gang members and turns them into football players for a living. His job is literally changing who people are. Then, it dawns on Boogie. "I never thought of it that way. That could be a problem." Grrrreat Britney. Just great. Is it your mission in life to ruin everything?

Next it's Shane's turn in the HOH and if you watched this then you know what I'm about to say - SHUT UP SHANE! Boogie is seriously considering trading for Shane and is trying to tell him what the plan could be, but Shane keeps interjecting and interrupting with "Willie did it!", "It's all Willie's fault!", "I just couldn't get through to Willie!" I think Shane thought that blaming everything on Willie would get him sympathy, but it's only making it harder for Boogie to get a word in edgewise. I do have to admire Boogie's patience though. I would have told Shane to shut up and stick a cork in it.

While watching Boogie workshop the "trade for Shane" idea, we get a few glimpses of stink bomb Frank and you can tell that he is not happy. First off, Boogie is totally running his HOH. Secondly, I don't think Frank wants Shane to join them. I think he wants to be the only strong guy on his team. Boogie, however, loves the idea of having two "sick athletes" on his team.

At one point Boogie asks Shane if he'd be up for making a one week deal that keeps Frank and the rest of Boogie's team safe next week. If Shane keeps Boogie's team safe, Frank will nominate Shane immediately so he can play for POV. I don't know if Shane heard the word "deal" and then did a verbal diarrhea thing or what, but he blurts out, "I'll do it for 2 weeks!" And that's how Shane actually gave Frank permission to nominate him as well as agreeing to keep him safe for 2 weeks. He's either a giant idiot or Boogie is some kind of a wizard. I vote idiot.

Meanwhile, Britney and Willie are downstairs hatching a plan. Britney is telling Willie everything that Boogie said in the HOH and overly emphasizing how smart Boogie is. She doesn't think Willie will be nominated outright. He might be backdoored. Willie is happy to hear this and plans to win POV so he can take Shane off the block and safe them both. Ahhh loyalty! Britney reminds him that he needs to have his name picked in order to play or someone needs to pick him as their Houseguest's choice.

Britney then asks Willie who he thinks she should trade him for. I'm completely confused here because they were just talking about saving the team. Anyhow, Willie says Ian and a light bulb goes off in my head. If Britney wins, she should trade Willie for someone on Boogie's team! Boogie is all about keeping his team safe and intact. And wouldn't that be amazing if Frank was told not to nominate Willie? Sure, Frank would go after Britney's team, but who cares? Frank would be stymied and that's all that matters.

After Britney finishes talking to Willie, Wil yanks her into the Have Not room for a discussion. He tells her that he doesn't want her to trade Willie for him and that if she does trade for him, he's not above throwing HOH's or POV's to make her team lose. He doesn't like JoJo and Willie and will not, under any circumstances, do anything to side with them. At the end of the conversation he tells Britney that he knows it wasn't fair to bully her like that... oopsie! He catches himself using the word "bully" to describe his own actions and says, "Well, not bully." Oh shut up Wil. You're a hypocrite just like Frank. Look, I don't care that you strong arm people into doing your bidding (in fact I enjoy it), but don't act all chaste and innocent while calling Willie a bully (when he never was!) when you're ten times worse than he is. You hear me Vicki Gunvalson?

The rest of the morning and well into the afternoon was spent with more conversations about possible trades and nominations. I got sick of watching them after a while because I knew the second the Coaches Competition was over, the conversations would start all over... again!

So the feeds finally go down and, if the Cab Sav hasn't wiped my memory completely clean, I believe it was a pretty long competition. When the feeds return, we discover that Willie, JoJo, Shane and Ian are Have-Nots. Apparently, Ian volunteered because he loves the Have-Not room. Some people find this part of Ian charming. I do not. I still don't like this kid. It also sounds like Janelle won the Coaches Competition and that Dan may have thrown it again.

Something else happened though. Something... not right. Willie is angry. He is really angry and I'm getting the impression that something took place during that competition. To me, it looks like he's pissed off at much more than being a Have-Not. Like, the HG's did something to him or laughed at him or ganged up on him. I'm not sure.

So the General is pissed off and he is pacing around the house. JoJo looks on with wide eyes because she knows, she just knows, that something is about to go down.

Then it happened. In a whirl. Our little fig newton was not only chasing tornadoes, he was a tornado. A silent seething tornado. First he marched through the house with an eerie expression of peace and calm on his face. His body told a slightly different story though. It had purpose. It was driven. It took Willie right upstairs to the HOH room where he bursts in and announces to the assholes inside that he's going to get evicted before he gets evicted. He leaves as quickly as he entered and the HG's start laughing at him. Joe thinks Willie's cryptic message means he wants to fight.

Willie returns downstairs where Shane is now trying to calm him down. Shane tells him to chill, but Willie says it's too late. He's already gone up to the HOH and told them. Then, the feeds go down.





And they stay down.

And they stay down.

There must be so much blood to mop up because they stay down some more.

And some more.

About 4 hours later they return. My eyes flit from camera to camera. Where is he? Where's Willie?! Someone somewhere in the house says that Wilie is gone, but everyone in that house is a fuckwit so of course I don't believe them. I go room to room searching for the General. In the distance, I can hear Shane and JoJo talking about being nominated. WHO CARES? WHERE. IS. WILLIE.

Then, silence.

I slowly sit back into the couch cushions and stare at the screen of my laptop. With vacant eyes, it washes over me.  The realization that Willie is gone. Gone.


The Revolution is over and when a Revolution ends you pour an entire bottle of wine down your throat and dread the months to come because deep down you know that you got greedy. You had it great for nine days. Nine amazing days. But that's it! That's all you get. The universe giveth and the universe taketh away.

The story that we can piece together is that Willie did not quit. In fact, he went out in what Jon Bon Jovi calls a "blaze of glory." Our Willie, our six gun lover, our candle in the wind, most likely threw some kind of pork product at Janelle's head while calling her a cunt and then he may have head butted Joe a few times. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with any of that. What's the big freaking deal?! So Joe got a few of his face pubes disheveled. So. What.

And that's where we are. I stopped watching the feeds after that. There was no point really. If you think I want to watch Frank and Joe gloat, you're nuts. I need some mourning time. I'll have much more to say tonight on the Big Brother Gossip Show where I'm going to try to not throw a tantrum, but I can't make any promises.

Until then, Willie I thank you. You were an amazing Houseguest and you gave me a wealth of material to work with. All I ever want out of Big Brother is to be entertained and to not be bored. I was never bored with you in the house. Good luck, godspeed, and thank you for throwing pork at Janelle. You will be missed.

So, what do you guys think? Are you sad to see Willy go? Can of the dumb asses left entertain us? Who do we root for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Friday, July 20, 2012

He Will Rise

The martyr. Someone who gives up something of great value - like $500,000 - for the sake of principle. A person who fights the good fight. Someone who stands up for a group, and when the rest of that group turns into spineless sniveling whiny bitches, maintains decorum and resolve through the tyranny of a thousand farts. I give you Willie - our intrepid leader, our brave General, our Spartacus. He sought to free the slaves only to have them run back and leap into the arms of their captors. And now, like Jesus, he is subjected to persecution, alienation, subjugation, and, eventually, transubstantiation. But he will RISE. He will Maya Angelou rise godammit. He will rise and he will triumph! *shakes a rotting carrot at the sky* I don't care how many virgins I have to sacrifice on his behalf. *drags a duct taped Ian to the ritual altar* I do this for US bitches. I do this in the name of entertainment! Let's recap, shall we?

What can I say? What can I say that hasn't already been said? How many more tears must I shed? A pioneer, a leader, a visionary has been kicked off of his pedestal and replaced by a man who propels himself forward by the sheer velocity of his own farts. A Shirley Temple with gastrointestinal issues and pungent body odor. A walking cornucopia of cumin and bleu cheese.

The HOH competition is over because a bunch of lazy ninnies can't remember how an overweight cat burglar shaves his legs and now we have to deal with the aftermath. Stank Frank is a smug gloating anti-Febreze while Boogie is now free to soundly sleep through another week. Even more surprising is the cult of no personality hanging onto Frank's every word and move. The same people who didn't want to be bossed around by someone charismatic and innovative are now grovelling at the acrid feet of a pigeon-toed douchebag. Janelle won't let Frank out of her sight while Ashley sits in a corner and cries over voting out her friend. You know what Ashley? Shut up. Just shut up. Cowards don't get to feel sorry for themselves.

Alright so let's get down to business. There is a new "twist" this week that allows the winner of the Coaches' Competition to either save one of their own or trade a player with someone on another team. Willie, like myself, assumes that if Britney wins, she'd use the power to save him. He tells Boogie and Shane that he'd rather Britney not use the power on him at all. He'd rather she use it to save someone else. Boogie thinks the new power altogether is strange. He thinks it's way too early for Coaches to start trading players.

Random house chitchat continues and we discover that Ian thinks he lost the HOH competition because of his terrible spatial perception - whatever the hell that means - while Jenn calls the cat burglar a "fat asshole" for sitting weird while shaving his legs. Meanwhile, Ashley and Wil talk about the upcoming week with Ashley saying she's going to stay quiet this week. She has to be careful what she says out loud. She trusts Wil and Joe, but Joe scares her so she doesn't plan on sharing anything with him.

Over in the Lounge we find Britney and Shane. Britney, gnawing on her cuticles, asks Shane if she should trade Willie if she wins the Coaches' Competition. She worries that if she trades Willie, the other teams will target Shane instead. She advises Shane to keep his distance from Willie this week. Shane sighs and says that this week is the worst possible scenario they could have envisioned. Shhh Shane! Britney has to talk about herself some more. Stop interrupting! Britney again says, "If I trade Willie, they may target another member of my team." Uh, you already said that dumb ass. Shane looks down at his hands and says, "Well, I hope you'd try to save me, but you need to do what's best for you." Britney says that she thinks Boogie and Janelle have a deal. She thinks they might vote out Danielle so they can get rid of Dan (Oh happy day!). Britney says she knows Boogie can't stand Danielle.

Britney then turns the conversation back to Willie and mocks him for telling her not to save him if she wins. She says it's Willie's fault that Kara lost $500,000. Shane nods and says that thanks to Willie, his game is probably ruined too. Oh give me a break. This is all Britney's fault! If she hadn't said all of that crap about the Coaches entering the game, we wouldn't be in the position we are now. Britney continues saying that Willie needs to learn some humility. She thinks JoJo will stay loyal to Willie and has no idea that she's on a sinking ship. Shane sighs again to himself and says that Ashley really fucked them over. Britney replies, "I know, but I have to be nice to her." So let me get this straight, if Ashley had voted how she was supposed to, everything would be fine? Well then why are you mad at Willie?!

Over in the foot room it's a celebration. A depressingly phony celebration. Frank is the second coming and Janelle is still refusing to leave him alone with anyone. Dan is similarly scared to leave Danielle on her own. He wants everyone to think that they've created this amazing bond so she won't get voted out. Then Joe bursts into the room and leaps on Frank while Ashley stares at everyone with an open mouth. I'm not sure if she's as nauseated by the scene as I am or if she's trying to catch enough flies for dinner. Either way, she looks like a space cadet. 

Meanwhile, out in the dining room...

*dabs tears from eyes* You know what? At least JoJo is loyal! At least she's sticking by her friend and not abandoning her alliance. Those other chuckleheads ran away faster than you can say "coward". If JoJo or Shane had won HOH, they wouldn't be anywhere near Frank right now. Sheep! Sheep! Here's the church. Here's the sheeple. Open the door and throw a lit match inside.

And here is where we come to the most unbelievable conversation you'll ever witness. It's unbelievable for a great many reasons, but mainly it's unbelievable that anyone anywhere consented to marry Britney. If you don't have the live feeds (you fools!), I can 99% guarantee we'll have snippets of it on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night so definitely tune in to get a taste of the awfulness.

OK so let me set the stage for you. Britney and Willie are sitting in the Lounge and Willie feels terrible. Look, he's not perfect. I know I'm a big fan of his, but Willie isn't a genius and he's certainly not flawless. What he is, however, is honest with himself. He knows he screwed up last week by confronting Frank and he feels really shitty about it because it has put Britney in a horrible position. He's not defending himself. He's not trying to change history. He's simply apologizing to Britney and telling her that he loves her. Britney scoffs in response and furrows her brow, "You didn't have to act that way." Willie tells her that where he comes from you defend yourself. If someone spreads lies about you (Frank telling people Willie is homophobic), you have to defend yourself especially since your family is at home watching. Britney tells them that that's not the way you play Big Brother. Willie says he just couldn't, in good conscience, let someone drag his name through the mud. (Note: Willie has a gay nephew which might help explain why he got so angry over Frank's lies.)

Britney replies, "You only think about yourself. If you win POV this week, you're ruining the game for JoJo and Shane." What a bitch! Willie asks, "So you don't want me to try to win?" Before she can answer, Willie tells her to go ahead and trade him. Britney whines, "No! Because then Shane will go home!" Willie tells her that if she needs to get rid of him, then go ahead. Britney says that if she could she'd rip out his trachea and only let him speak when she wanted to let him speak. Willie laughs in that lovely lilting way he was, but Britney isn't joking around. She doesn't even crack a smile.

Britney makes all sorts of faces and continues in a whine that would make anyone's brain bleed. She goes on and on about how because of Willie's behavior, she's going to lose a team member now. Meanwhile, Dan is sitting somewhere with only Danielle left. She tells Willie that the reason Ashley voted the way she did is because of Willie. It's his fault.

Willie, who is surprisingly calm and docile, tells Britney that he doesn't want to fight with her. Britney is having none of it though. She pokes and prods and needles and picks and scratches. It's a relentless assault where Britney, in the worst whine you can ever imagine, tells Willie over and over again how it's all his fault she's in the position she's in now. Willie says, "I feel bad. You can't make me feel any worse than I do." He tells Britney he's the type of person that forgives people. You want to know how Britney replies? "I thought you'd be an asset and you're not!"

Willie tells her that Dan is in a much worse position than she is because he only has one person. Britney spits back, "Dan is not worse off than me!" Willie recoils and apologizes. He's letting her vent and he's not arguing back yet Britney, my god Britney, goes on and on and on and on and on about how awful he is, how he's messed up everything, how her life is over now, how no one in the world is going through the pain that she is. Basically, she's telling Willie he should pretty much kill himself.

Now, I know I'm biased. I know I'm clearly going to take Willie's side in everything, but I sometimes like to check out how the anti-Willie people feel about certain situations just so I'm better equipped to deal with them down the road. You want to know what I found amongst the anti-Willies? Sympathy! An overwhelming display of sympathy! Britney was redefining the word awful in such a glorious manner that my Twitter pals who loathe Willie couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor guy. Here are just a few examples of the tweets I got last night:

@ColetteLala I commend him for keeping it together while Britney berated him like he's a little kid. I doubt many would have been that calm

@ColetteLala I loved him an hour ago, and I love him still. How he stayed calm through Britney's tongue lashing is beyond me.

@ColetteLala This could be Willie's redemption arc starting. I hate most of the HGs and I don't hate Willie now ... #pleaseshootme #lol

@ColetteLala Maybe being an underdog suits him better than a powerful leader

@ColetteLala I don't even like Willie and I think he's coming across 100x better than she is in this convo. What a selfish brat. #BB14

@ColetteLala Can you imagine when she has kids? #BB14

@ColetteLala I muted...couldn't watch anymore.. Hubby is watching in the kitchen.. Heard him say "Whiney bitch" lol

@ColetteLala I have lost all respect for Brit...period! #BB14

@ColetteLala the monotone voice is sickening, I hope she DORs, please.

I can imagine the conversation at home. "I told you to get Charmin. How could you embarrass me like this?" #BritneySucks #bb14

Dammit, Britney, you're going to make me feel bad for a Hantz! #bb14

And then, something miraculous happened. I saw it. I fucking saw it. A bright welcoming light at the end of the tunnel. No, it wasn't my Sheryl Crow tumor causing me to pass out. It was promise. It was hope. It was beauty. It. Was. Redemption. I saw, with my own eyes, the title of my blog next Friday. Wait for it... FROM REVOLUTION TO REDEMPTION: The Willie Hantz Story.

Here's what Willie needs to do: He needs to lay low. REAL low. He needs to lay low, shoot the shit, be charming, make the girls laugh, hide any bitterness he may have towards Frank and the others, and then pull a Boogie and disappear whenever drama breaks out. Essentially, he needs to play this week by not playing. He should try to win POV and all that, but if it doesn't work out, he can't appear broken up about it. He can't act defeated.

You think I'm crazy, right? Well, hang on to your tits kids because a little later in the evening we hear Boogie telling Dan that maybe it's smarter to get rid of Shane this week instead of Willie (Yes!). Boogie thinks Shane is entirely too comfortable and is seemingly more of a physical threat. Plus, Boogie doesn't think that Shane is all that smart. Both Coaches agree that keeping Willie around might be a good idea. Keeping Willie is not only good for the universe, world peace, me, the live feeds, and you. It's good for the house. Willie will always remain a target and having a target milling about the house takes the heat off of some of the other players.

Boogie and Dan also wonder about the Twist and what Britney would do if she won the Coaches Competition. Boogie would love to talk to Britney about having her trade with someone on Janelle's team - maybe Willie for Wil. Dan thinks Willie would probably go home in a scenario like that to which Boogie replies that that's still better than Dan going home. Oh shut up Boogie.

Britney then joins the conversation and Dan begins to lay it on really thick how close he is with Danielle (this is plan to save himself and keep her from traded). Boogie chimes in saying that Shane is a much bigger target and Britney would suffer more if she lost him rather than Willie. With thin lips and a piercing glare, Britney is pissed off. She doesn't like it that they're telling her to to just accept losing a player this week. It really chaps her ass that her team might not be fully intact. I think she expected to make it through the next several weeks with no one on her team going home.

Britney starts her "woe is me" crap again and she just can't understand why she's the target all of a sudden. Ohhh I don't know... because you have a big mouth, because you were clearly in an alliance with Janelle, because you acted like an asshole last week, because you caused the Revolution. Boogie then takes a set of pan pipes out of his pocket and plays the sweetest tune I've ever heard. The wood nymps and myself twirled and danced. The fairies fluttered and the woodland creatures giggled. Boogie suggests to Britney that maybe there's a way for Willie to fix his reputation to where people like him again. He adds that he may not even go after Willie this week. Just because it's what the house wants, doesn't mean it's what he wants. *a single solitary speck of glitter floats through the air*


It's not much, but it's all I have to hang on to.

And then we get Frank's HOH reveal. Not only does he have diarrhea (Seriously, he does. Like every other one of his bodily functions, he announced it.), but now we have to endure watching him get his HOH room. All we see is his basket though. The feeds show his basket and the switch to Trivia. We still get the sound but no images of him looking at his photos or reading his letter.

From what I can gather he got pretzel M&M's, beef jerky, "good coffee", sushi, strawberries, raspberries, beer, and plumaisins which are diced up prunes. That last thing this guy needs is something to make him shit or give him gas. His letter from home says that his Nana is taking notes on strategy he should use... notes he'll never see until he gets out of the house mind you.

We do manage to get a quick clip of the HOH merriment where Frank is applauding himself. Oh my god I hate him so much. I hate him! My hate doesn't even have anything to do with Willie. There's just something about him that makes me absolutely crazy. Maybe it's the B.O. or the farting. Or maybe it's the laziness and lack of charisma. Who knows. All I know is I hate him and I'm extremely bitter about it.

And since Frank won, Boogie also gets some photos from home. Apparently, his baby has grown into a full man over the past 2 weeks. He's shaving, driving, and applying to grad schools now.

I've got to end this here for today. I heard there was some weirdness with Danielle talking about her possessed dad again *sprinkles holy water around* , but I don't have time to look it up right now. I wanted to get at least something up for you guys since I couldn't blog yesterday. Most importantly, I wanted to deliver hope. My gift to you and all rational Willie fans everywhere is hope. We will not give up! He will rise! The blog will be back to normal this weekend. Promise! Thanks for bearing with me while I try not to be homeless.

So, what do you guys think of Frank as our new HOH? Were you as disgusted as the rest of us by Britney's behavior? Does Willie actually have a chance to survive? Will Janelle ever leave Frank alone? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Children Of The Revolution

 (Photo Credit: @ChiTownBB)

Guevara, Tubman, Trotsky, Spartacus... Hantz. Revolutionaries who desired to create a new collective consciousness. Driven by class struggle, inequality, and alienation, these heroes risked life, limb, and nomination to bring about change to an otherwise cruel and unjust circumstance. The revolutionary is often misunderstood at first. Innovation takes time and commitment, but it often starts with just one man, one short stocky balding man with an affinity for double negatives, with the courage to stand and declare war in the face of adversity. Che Guevara once said, "The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall." He was talking about The Golden Apples, my friends. A tree needs to be shaken up once in a while before you can juggle with its fruit. Viva La Revolucion! Let's recap, shall we?

After a fitful sleepless night, Willie is awakened by Big Brother calling his compatriots into the Diary Room. Cranky, tired, and panicked over the revelation by Britney that the Coaches might be entering the game and stealing his $500,000, Willie wanders outside to find Boogie stroking his pointed chin. Willie launches into his trepidation about the Coaches and how "sunthin' ain't right" with the number of Houseguests in the game. Boogie nods and tells Willie that he's much smarter than the average player. The two agree that keeping Frank in the game is the best move for them and that perhaps targeting Janelle's people next week is the way to go. Willie gets up to seek refuge in his bunker while Boogie stays in the fresh outdoors smiling to himself. "Me with Willie... who woulda thunk it?" He then says with a great sigh, "Janelle, Janelle, Janelle. Today must still be my birthday. Christmas is right around the corner. What's next? Willie doesn't like Britney anymore? I love it, I love it, I love it."

And we are off and running Bitches. The more minutes that pass, the more thinking our Willie does, the more he is ready to get this Revolution on the road. He paces hither and thither muttering to himself about how "thangs juss don't make no sense." Last night's conversation with Britney echoes in his head pounding against his skull. "This house juss ain't right," he says again and again. Finally, Britney pulls him aside and tells him that he has to chill the fuck out. Willie tells her she's pissing him off and Britney replies, "I'm not going down for outing the Coach twist!" Willie says it's all Frank's fault. Frank's the one who has been talking about the twist (I think he's lying) and the pinwheels start turning. Britney says, "Fine. I'll blame it on Frank."

With Britney left to figure out why she's suddenly mad at Frank and regretting telling Willie anything last night, Willie heads outside to have a smoke. Muttering to himself some more and shaking his head, he blurts out to Joe, JoJo, and Frank that they can't give their Coaches $500,000. Frank heartily agrees. He hated seeing those Coaches enter the game and it's taken him 3 years to get on this show. He'll be damned if he's here playing someone else's game. Frank says they need to get rid of the Coaches as soon as they can. Joe chimes in and suggests that they have a House Meeting where they tell the Coaches not to dictate to them. Willie snorts. He doesn't want to talk to no coaches. Period!

Willie says they need to keep to the house strong in case anything happens. They need to build up their army. *whispers "Revolution"* Then that dumb ass Dan entered and put an end to the battle plans. Willie ends the conversation by saying he'll call a House Meeting when Janelle wakes up.

I figured it takes a while for Janelle to drag those dogs of hers out of bed so this is where I decided to squeeze in a little yoga and take a shower. Dandasana, virabhadrasana, eko pada kapotasana, stretch, bind, up, down, release, relax, naked time. As I stepped out of the shower I knew, I just knew, that something was amiss. And then I heard it.... eeking out of my laptop... "Don't let them tell you who to get out!" Gah! House Meeting!

With wet hair I dropped my towel and ran. Like Forrest Gump, I. Was. RUNNING. I made it just in time to see The General give a moving speech that went something like this:

Build yer own alliances not their alliance! There ain't enough people in the house to play the game. Them Coaches is definitely coming back. We'd be stupit to let them play! I don't wanna hep Britney get $100,000 OR $500,000. Don't let them tell you who to get out!

The crowd murmured to themselves and looked uncomfortably around the room. Then something miraculous happened. Jenn mumbles, "They need us. We're their golden eggs." Yes Veruca, yes! Then Wil announces, "I agree!" Frank blurts out, "If we keep telling them everything, they'll use it against us!" Even that mute Kara had something to say, "We need to stick together." And that, my friends, is how you start a revolution. You can bump and grind. If it's good for your mind. Well you can twist and shout. Let it all hang out. But you won't fool the children of the revolution. No you won't fool the children of the revolution.

Since I can't find a Moulin Rouge clip, I give you the Gay Men's Chorus Of Los Angeles which is, let's face it, even better! Please to enjoy:

"Umm I thank we're all playing a lil too fast. We shouldn't be guessin' about what's gonna happen." Who said that?!? Oh god, it's Joe. Shut up Joe! Just shut up. Can't you see we're breaking boundaries here? We're sticking it to The Man! We're sipping Absinthe and getting ready to have an orgy. No one wants to hear from the pubes on your face right now. No matter how much I fist pump in Joe's direction, he won't shut the hell up. Sensing that the group isn't buying the casserole Joe is serving, he says, "But it does bother me that the Coaches are workin' on my behalf." When Joe coaches his son's football games he doesn't run out on the field and play for them. He coaches from the sidelines and that's what he wants the Coaches in the house to do.

Willie ignores Joe and says that they, the new people, are the ones who need $500,000. The Coaches don't even care about the money. They're just there to prove some silly point about how good they are at the game. It means nothing to them. Wil says, "I think we should all take a 24 hour break from the game altogether." Willie replies, "Yeah, just let it settle in." Bless you Wil, but have you been present for the past 10 or so days? The Big Brother 14 house is high on meth and glue. Ain't nothin' gonna stop this game from happenin'. Oh my god, I'm talking like Willie now.

The meeting closes with Willie telling everyone that they can't act like a flock of sheep. If no one has approached them at this point with game talk, then chances are they're a pawn. It's not exactly the brightest way to end a meeting, but hey, he's new at this. He'll get better with time. 

The meeting disbands and Willie thinks it's went well. He gave a rousing speech that not only woke up his fellow newbies, but inspired them to take action. Now all he has to do is sit back and wait for the... "Willie said you're tryin' ta steal his money!" Oh for crying out loud! Is that Joe again? It is. It's Joe. It's Joe running his mouth and tattling to Janelle. It took all of 30 seconds for this Judas to scramble downstairs and betray the covenant of the league of houseguests. He tells Janelle everything and I mean everything.

He tells her how Willie wants them to stick together and how the Coaches are going to enter the game at some point. He looks to Janelle for a horrified response or something, but all she does is grab her stomach and sigh, "I'm hungry." Joe looks a little shocked at her disinterest so she asks him if what Willie said upstairs is why he wants to keep Frank. Joe says that Willie wants powerful people to go up against the Coaches. Janelle scrunches up her face at the mere idea of having to work with Boogie. She tells Joe that the Coaches do not have an alliance. She will never work with Boogie. Joe shrugs his shoulders, "Maybe I'm completely naive, but I don't see the Coaches entering the game at all."

Outside we find Wil, JoJo, and Kara gathered on the hammock. Britney sees them congregating and approaches. The mood outside is tense and weird and Britney doesn't care for it. She tells the people on the hammock that if they ever need anything, they can go to her. She walks away and Wil mutters, "We're all older than Britney and she expects us to come to her for advice?" And then he did two snaps and a twist and my heart soared.

Upstairs in the HOH Willie is still a little unsettled about Joe. He tells Shane how he didn't like that Joe kept bringing negativity into his revolution meeting. Joe was the only one to disagree and not jump on board with two feet. Willie shakes that Joe right out of his beard and begins to talk to Shane about an alliance with Frank. He wants the men to have an alliance on their own without the girls (this is kind of a lie as he already has an alliance to go the end with JoJo and Ashley). He says the women are pretty much going to marched to the slaughterhouse at some point or another. They need to build a powerful alliance that consists of mainly hisself, Frank, and Shane. Willie says he doesn't think he can work with Jenn, but maybe Ian can be used as a tool - especially if he starts winning things. Shane agrees about Ian and they make plans to work on him later.

Outside, it's another story. The Revolution, The Resistance, The Mutiny seems to be losing strength rapidly... or is it? Joe is on his Tattle Tour 2012 and now Janelle is making the rounds telling as many people as she can that Willie is a bully. The conversation turns to how they might actually be able to save Kara now. Janelle says they only need one more vote to make it happen.

At this point, Britney has made her way upstairs and is telling Willie that if he doesn't rein in JoJo he'll lose her. Willie laughs confidently and says, "We're not losing JoJo." And he's right. JoJo isn't going anywhere. I don't know what the hell Britney is talking about. She's either stirring shit up or is making a lot of assumptions from seeing JoJo sitting outside with Wil and Kara. Willie tries to reassure Britney, "We're fine baby." Britney replies, "Downstairs they're not fine!"

Britney has had a long night and an even longer morning. She essentially throws her hands in the air and wishes everyone luck. She's not going to tell them what to do anymore and they can all play how they want. Uh, no offense Britney, but you have never told Willie what to do. He has always made his own decisions. In fact, I submit to the jury that he has told you what to do. You started this mess chucklehead when you couldn't keep your mouth shut.

Britney then sighs to herself and puts on her victim hat, "I have no alliance whatsoever right now." *plays tiny violin and wipes a fake tear* "I can't trust Janelle anymore." Willie and Shane kind of ignore her and tell her that they're going to try to work with Ian now. Britney likes Ian and thinks it's a good idea. She says Danielle will also vote however Shane votes. Shane agrees and says Danielle follows him around like a puppy dog. "She'll do whatever I tell her to." Wait a tic, didn't Britney just say she wasn't going to give them advice anymore?

At the exact same time as this conversation, another one is taking place downstairs. He's baaaaack! It's Joe again and he's making his second stop of the tour in the Lounge. This time he's talking with Dan and Danielle. Dan mutters that Willie just made the worst move of the game. Joe is absolutely beside himself. He can't stand still and he's having trouble keeping his brain matter inside of his head. In the meeting Willie said he has an inside source about the Twist (Britney) and Joe is convinced that Willie is making it all up. Joe says that Willie just hung himself especially when he said he wanted to get rid of all the sheep. (Note: Willie never said that!) Dumb ass Danielle, out of nowhere, mumbles, "Joe, I like you as a person no matter what anyone else says." What the hell?

Joe leaves the Lounge and then makes his way to the Foot Room. Frank is sitting on the bed talking to Jenn and as soon as he sees Joe he says, "I think that meeting hurt me more than helped me." Keep in mind that, while upstairs, Frank was the second most vocal! He was all fired up! He's kind of the original revolutionary because he has always hated the Coach Twist. Why is he being such a flaky Shirley Temple right now? Ugh!

Joe very rudely asks Jenn to leave the room and she complies. He then reveals to Frank that Willie has been instructing everyone how to vote. They're not all supposed to vote to keep Frank. Some are supposed to vote for Kara so Frank will be suspicious and want to find the traitors. Plus, Willie will get to break a tie. *smacks self in head with a 2X4* Is loyalty dead? Seriously, someone tell me. Is there no sanctity in secret keeping anymore? This Joe is a fountain of secrets and he's really beginning to chap my ass. Naturally, hearing this news, Frank is pissed. He thought Willie was on his side. Joe tells him that Willie is only playing for next week.

Willie, at this point, has finally made his way outside. He sits with Ashley and she tells him what's been going on in the house - all the tattling. She seems to still be a part of The Revolution and this makes me happy. Then Janelle approaches and wants to sit next to Ashley on the lounge chair. Willie leaves and Ashley immediately tells Janelle how Willie is so nervous now. WTF? Ashley! Shut your vicodin lips right this second! Truth be known, I can't tell what side Ashley is on. I have NO idea. She either has a Sheryl Crow tumor pushing on the short term memory part of her brain like I suspect I have or she's a fucking brilliant liar. Seriously, look out for this one. She's quiet and ditzy, but I'm calling it right now - Dark. Horse.

The day continues on in much the same manner - lots of whispering, lots of small clusters of people rehashing the morning meeting. Willie tells Kara it'll take an act of congress to keep him in the house for anymore than 2 or 3 weeks, JoJo trash talks Danielle some more (I love it when she does that!), and then Britney started to cry. I'm surprised it took her this long to break down. I expected it earlier when she was in the HOH giving up on the game and then at the same time playing the game. She's exhausting and annoying and still doesn't have the foggiest idea that all of this, all of this delicious chaos, is her fault.

Then a burglar entered the house and the feeds went down for almost two hours. Thanks to Michelle from the Bronx for the photo.

OK so this is where things get a little crazy. Willie and Frank are in the HOH room and Willie is doing HYMBOE again. He tells Frank they need to stay strong, but please don't tell anyone what they're talking about. Frank nods and replies that he's upset that Boogie sleeps all the time. He misses everything going on in the house (intentional?). Frank tries to reassure Willie of his loyalty by telling him he never told anyone that Russell Hantz is his brother, not even Boogie. Willie tells him he already told Boogie so it's no big deal. Willie then tells Frank they if they don't have the numbers on their side, they're going home. Willie says he think he has 5 votes to keep Frank and Frank asks who the fifth is. Willie refuses to tell him because it's his "golden ticket". He says if everyone does what they say they're going to do, they should be fine and Frank should be safe.

THEN, Willie sort of laughs to himself thinking about how during the House Meeting Wil wanted everyone to take a break from the game for 24 hours. He does a very simple impression of Wil in which he raised his voice the tiniest bit. It wasn't a lispy gay voice. It wasn't a flamboyant flipping of his hair. It was a voice with a Kentucky accent like Wil has. He said and I quote, "We should take a break from the game for 24 hours." Willie then smiled to himself and giggled like he was remembering a fond memory, like he was thinking of Wil in a charming way at how cute he was to want to put the game on pause. It was a nothing moment. I've watched it 3 times now and it was a nonissue.

Somehow, in the asshole part of his brain, Frank takes this tiny sentence from Willie and turns it into an evil malicious and hurtful scandal. Here's what happened: After Frank leaves Willie, he runs downstairs and tells Joe that Willie was making fun of Wil for being gay. Joe then runs and tells Wil that Willie was being homophobic and laughing at him. It's like the worst game of Telephone you can ever imagine. Wil is instantly horrified, embarrassed, and begins to cry. His feelings are genuinely hurt and I don't blame him! Frank and Joe did a really dirty thing turning something so innocent and harmless into something so vile and hurtful.

Meanwhile, Willie has NO idea that any of this is going on. Yet, downstairs the House is exploding. People are consoling Wil. Joe is running around telling anyone who'll listen that Willie is homophobic. Wil is calling Willie "lower than whale shit." And then, AND THEN, the fuckwits on Twitter joined the party and began lynching Willie. Even I was alerted to the story with, "Willie said some homophobic and made Wil cry!" I was frantic and thought to myself, "Oh shit." But with a little detective work and help from people giving me flashback times, I saw the incident for myself and was all like, "That's it? Willie didn't do anything!" And if you know anything about me, then you know that I don't tolerate homophobia in any shape or form. (You can Flashback the clip for yourself - 2:13 pm BBT Camera 4)

Joe lies, Joe li-hies, Joe lies... when he cries, when he cries, when he cries.

Finally, Britney makes her way up to the HOH and alerts Willie to what is going on downstairs. She was actually in the room with Frank and Willie during the conversation in question so she knows Frank is just starting shit. Willie is naturally pissed off and says this house is completely nuts. Ashley is there and she says everyone downstairs is twisting the story around like crazy (Note: Even she at one point was consoling Wil. The story angered her so much that she was ready and willing to turn on Willie.) The more Willie hears, the more angry he's getting. JoJo then enters and corresponds how Frank is downstairs telling everyone that Willie said something homophobic about Wil. Britney tells Willie that it's like the whole house is involved in some smear campaign against him. It's upsetting her because she knows that Frank is blowing it completely out of proportion. Then Ian joins them and is surprised to hear that Willie never said anything bad about Wil. He tells Willie that it's not good, what's going on downstairs right now.

Gather your gin bitches. Gather your gin, your nipple clamps, your glitter, and whatever else you use to celebrate. Guess what? IT'S FIGHT NIGHT! *tosses glitter into the air*

After Willie spends some time stewing and festering over Frank throwing the Wil thing completely out of proportion and talking shit behind his back, Willie emerges from his War Room and makes his way outside. He immediately begins hooting and hollering... "I'm getting dragged down like I'm the biggest motherfucking piece of shit!" He turns to Frank and points at him accusingly, "I hope you go home this week!" Willie says he never said anything about Wil being a homosexual. Frank denies spreading the lies and everyone in the hot tub just sort of sits and stares.

Meanwhile, this is Wil...

Willie can't believe how stupid Frank is being. He shouts, "You were staying in the game!" Frank then wants to know if Willie told some people not to vote for him so he'd suspicious (remember Joe the tattletale told him that). Willie replies, "It's game play!" Frank shouts, "It's MY game! Stop messing up my game!" Frank then brings up how Willie called them all sheep during the House Meeting. Willie shouts, "I never said that!" (He didn't. Frank is twisting it into something it isn't.)

Frank starts mumbling all this weird game shit that is either not true or completely ridiculous. He accuses Willie of trying to turn him against Janelle to which Willie asks Janelle, "Was I ever going after you? All those times up in the HOH, was I ever going after you?" I don't think Janelle replies, but Willie is LIVID. He turns to Frank and says, "You're going out!" Frank barks, "No I'm not!" *giggles* Willie shouts across the lawn to Kara, "I hope you stay in this house baby cuz you are an honest person and Frank is not. Everyone vote out Frank!" Franks shouts, "Whoever wants to vote for me, vote for me!" *dying*

Willie tells Frank, "Those two votes you had are gone!" Then Boogie, fucking Boogie, jumps in and says to Willie, "Who made you the boss of everyone?" Boogie accuses Willie of showboating on his first time on TV in order to look tough. *bites fist*

Ian, who has been hiding, pacing, and staring the wall inside the whole time, finally emerges and says, "Does anyone want to share a Digiornio pizza with me?" The hot tub crew starts laughing, but Willie is seething. I swear I saw smoke coming out of his ears.

The fight basically comes to an end and what do you suppose Frank does? He sits, stares at Willie, and talks about how the Showtime ratings must have gone through the roof. *sighs* Willie just sort of stares back and says nothing. Who gives a shit about Showtime ratings right now?! He just spent an entire week fighting for Frank to stay in the house and Frank screws it all up because he doesn't know how to play a goddamn game of Telephone. Unbelievable!

Sadly, I don't think Wil ever did find out the truth. The current plan amongst Joe, Frank, and their merry band of idiots is to vote out Kara. It's up to Willie to make some magic happen today. Unfortunately, I won't be able to blog tomorrow. *ducks from the flying cutlery* I know, I know! I'm so sorry, but I have to look for a place to live and I have some appointments today and tomorrow. Believe me, it's the last thing I want to do right now. The blog should be back on Friday - maybe later than normal, but this weekend should be fine with no interruptions. I'm still going to watch whenever I can and Tweet and Facebook and all that good stuff. I just won't have time to screencap and take notes and write in the morning.

SO, big day huh? Is this house awesome or is this house awesome? Do you think Willie made a mistake holding that House Meeting? What the hell is Joe's problem? Will Wil ever find out the truth? Who do you want to go home on Thursday? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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