Friday, September 9, 2011

Glittery Puke

It may be raining dragons and ogres outside, but it's raining glitter in my heart. Light delicate beauteous teeny tiny sparkles of shimmering light. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the woodland creatures have come out to play. A squirrel high fives a chipmunk and in response my melodious giggles carry on the breeze. Hark, is that a rainbow I see? No, it's FIVE HUNDRED rainbows I see! Crimson and tangerine hump each other in the sky while a lemony yellow rubs it's skins against a kelly green giving birth to an onslaught of blues and violets. Colors, colors, everywhere colors! Wearing nothing but a smile and a feather boa, I roll around in the blanket of glitter I've prepared for this very moment. It took months of haggling on the phone with party planners, thousands and thousands of dollars in rental trucks, and an exchange of sexual favors with random moving men that I'm much too ladylike to talk about, but I did it. I finally did it! My backyard is a shimmering sea of sparkles and I'm diving in. I've waited the entire summer for this moment and now it's time to celebrate. You're all invited. Leave your cats at the door and fill your jugs with gin from any one of my bathtubs scattered around the house. The juniper berries were quite plump this year. Jordan has left the building and I'm throwing a party. Let's recap, shall we?

By a vote of 1 million to zero (the other 999,999 votes belong to me), Jordan you are evicted from the Big Brother House. *fanfare, parades, marching bands* Now, do us all a favor, and never ever return to television at any point in my lifetime. And while you're at it, kindly convince your fake boyfriend to do the same. I still think you owe CBS $500,000, but I'm willing to let that slide if you promise me that I'll never have to listen that voice of yours again. That alone is worth half a million dollars.... "Wull, umm uhh it's so fusstrating. Jayeff!" Oh shut up.

All season long I've only wanted one thing: Jeff and Jordan out of the game. People have asked me who I'm rooting for and my answer has always been, "Not Jordan." I guess I'd like Porsche to win. I don't know. *shrugs shoulders* Rachel is vile and the thought of her getting rewarded for anything makes me ill and Adam... Well, I think we can all agree that the only thing Adam deserves is a one way ticket to the inside of an active volcano. The season as a whole has been a joke and I think it'll continue to be a joke if things stay the way they are. It's been 13 seasons of the same old same old. The game needs a gigantic revamping. We all know the ins and outs. We all know what to expect. Casting is paramount, but so is ingenuity. Big Brother is stuck in a rut and I think the only thing that can save it is a complete makeover. Get Ty Pennington on the horn and let's tear this shit down and rebuild. Enough with the complacency already. Update, upgrade, 2.0, what have you.

Alright, so this brings us to Part 1 of the final HOH competition. We left off with our final three spinning on a giant mixer in a vat of what looks like movie theatre popcorn butter and getting sprayed in the face like a Japanese bukaki film. It took a few minutes for the feeds to kick on and when they did I got something I didn't expect. I got sick! Head swimming, eyes rolling, insides burbling sick. Never in my life have I experienced motion sickness, but last night was brutal. It was near impossible to watch the spinning (my god, the spinning!), but I did manage to catch some photos of the torture.

Adam struggled from the start because the idiot placed his hands over his head rather than behind his back. He's also made of bacon and nicotine so I don't think anyone realistically expected him to win. He fidgeted and grimaced the entire time while the girls stood stoic with their eyes closed. After about 20 or so minutes, the lump finally fell just as we all expected him to.

Now we're down to Porsche and Rachel. Holding on didn't seem to be a problem for either of the girls and for the next 20 minutes they stood with nary a flinch. All of a sudden, Porsche started to twitch. I don't think it was her arms. I think it was the spinning, the godforesaken spinning... round and round, over and over, never ever stopping. *pukes into a cup* Out of nowhere Porsche says, "I have to get down." Wha... wha... what?!? Look, I realize you're probably sick as a dog and the anxiety is doing all sorts of crazy things to your brain, but you hold on, bitch! Hold on and puke on yourself if you have to. This is do or die!

My words fall on deaf ears as Porsche just - ploop - plops into the butter. That's it. That's all she wrote. Rachel has won part 1.

After everyone showers and gets their equilibrium back, there's a lot of reminiscing about past competitions and who won what. The second Adam leaves the room, Rachel turns to Porsche and tells her she needs to win part 2. Rachel is concerned that if Adam wins parts 2 & 3, he'll evict her from her game. I hate to say it, but I think that might be ok. In a Porsche/Adam final 2, Porsche has to win, right? Those chuckleheads in the Jury House couldn't possibly vote for Adam to win, could they? I could see Jeff & Jordan voting for Adam (because they're idiots and have no respect for the game), but would anyone else vote for him?

Rachel is convinced that in a Rachel/Adam final 2, Adam would win. I'm not so sure I agree with her. I think no matter who Rachel is up against in the final 2, she will win Big Brother 13. It won't be by a landslide, but she'll win. Porsche's best shot to win is for Adam to win parts 2 & 3 and take her to the final 2. Maybe I'm putting too much faith in the Jury, but I'd like to think that they would recognize how useless Adam has been all summer long. Then again, Porsche completely sucks when put on the spot in a question scenario. I can almost see her talking her way right out of votes in the question portion. Christ, who the hell knows? It makes my blood boil to think of a vet winning and, at the same time, I'm scared shitless Adam will pull a miracle out of his ass.

Looking back on this season, I think we can blame where we are now all on Kalia. Had Kalia not completely fucked up her first HOH, Brendon may not have come back, Rachel might have gone home sooner, and Daniele might still be in the game. Personally, I'm glad Kalia went out before the final three. That HOH that evicted Lawon was probably the biggest travesty of the summer. There were plenty of other mistakes along the way... most of which can be attributed to Adam's flipping. How the house let him get away with it for so long completely floors me. They let their personal bullshit get in the way of the game and a dud of a player snuck through to the end. What's even more stunning is that this dud actually thinks he's a solid contender. Adam thinks he can use the fact that he won some comps in the end to convince the Jury to vote for him to win. According to Adam, if he wins parts 2 & 3, he's got this thing locked up.

So, what do you guys think? Who do you want to win BB13? Do you think Rachel will win if she makes it to the final 2? Who do you think would actually vote for Adam? Can Porsche beat Adam in a final 2?

If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button in the right hand column and show a girl some love. I know it hasn't been the best of seasons, but hopefully I've managed to entertain you and make you laugh just a wee bit. For the next 13 weeks or so, you can find me over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog. And, don't forget, the BB13 fun isn't over just yet... we still have Vegas. Sweet, sweet Vegas. I've got more insiders than ever lined up and ready to dish all the dirt. Some of the gossip may end up here and some may end up over on the Bitchy Network. Any fights, sex romps, scandals, or bitchassness that goes down in Vegas will end up in my little hands and wrapped up in a pretty pink bow for all of you to enjoy. Get ready.

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Quid Pro Quo

Trudging through the murky misery that is Big Brother 13, I find myself covered in fecal matter, sludge, and cornflakes. You may ask yourselves, "Why cornflakes, Lala?" Well, here's my answer: Cornflakes are boring. They're bland. They're banal. They're unseasoned, unsweetened, and often need something like fruit or yogurt to dress them up. We're pulling into the final stretch and when I look back at all I've seen since July, I just kind of roll my eyes and shrug one shoulder in that infuriatingly nonchalant way that would make someone want to punch me. Christ, I want to punch me. When I think of all the outdoor activities and social gatherings I shunned for those first 6 weeks, I begin to question my sanity and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Big Brother 13 was set up to fail the moment they announced the duos returning. Robyn Kass couldn't do the job of finding 13 or 14 entertaining people and, in return, we were punished for it. We, the innocent fans, who have stayed faithful throughout the years were punished. I don't know about you, but I'm pissed off about it. I'm Joan Crawford "Damn mad!" about it. Let's rant, shall we?

Look, I love Big Brother. I've watched it in three countries, blogged it for years, and put my life on hold for it for months at a time. It was all justifiable because what I was doing/watching was entertaining. That is all I ask from any tv show I watch or write or about it - ENTERTAIN ME. It's the reason I watch and it's the reason you watch. Television's job is to either entertain or inform. As Big Brother is in the "entertainment" category, I can, without a doubt, conclude that Big Brother 13 is a giant festering failure of funk.

Any reality tv show's success, whether it be Big Brother, Bad Girls Club, Real World, or the Jersey Shore, depends on casting. CASTING! A show based on the everyday happenings of real life people has to be propelled by the very people being documented. Let's imagine for a moment if the Bad Girls Club was full of shy, quiet, studious types or if the Jersey Shore was just a bunch of kids who thought premarital sex was a bad thing. Casting makes or breaks a show and for the past 2 years, Big Brother's casting has been an insult to us all.

The key to casting Big Brother is to cast BIG personalities. You want confident, manipulative, and charismatic people in the house. You want people who aren't afraid to express themselves, people who are willing to stand up for what they believe in, people with opinions, people who are passionate, and people who don't hide behind what they think we all want to see. When you cast a bunch of lumps who are satisfied with the status quo, you've called my mother a whore and kicked my dog. I take it as a personal insult when someone hand delivers me a person like Adam Poch and expects me to be entertained by him. Exactly how stupid and zombie-like do you think I am Robyn Kass? Am I supposed to eat up someone like Adam Poch and ask for seconds? Give me a little credit, why don't you. I'm smarter than that. I'm better than that. I deserve a go-getter. I deserve a little personality. How you interview and screen thousands of people every season and come up with a waste of space like Adam Poch is a mystery to me.

If casting ordinary people who come to the auditions is so fucking difficult, then, by all means, recruit. Recruit actors and models for all I care - at least those people are in the industry of entertaining. As entertainers tend to be charismatic and outspoken, I'm all for it. Take, for example, Russell Kairouz of Big Brother 11. I don't think he was a model or an actor, but he was a recruitment. As a person, he wasn't my cup of tea, but as a player he was pretty off the charts entertaining. I can still remember where I was, what I was wearing, and exactly what I was doing the day Russell crawled on his stomach up to the HOH room to have a secret meeting with Ronnie. I was on my treadmill approaching the 40 minute mark when I leapt off and damn near broke my face in an effort to run over to my computer and drink in the amazing scene unfolding before me. I want to feel like that again. I want to be shocked. I want to be surprised. I want to catch my breath and literally bite my fist in anticipation of what could possibly happen next. In contrast, with Big Brother 13 I sit with a scowl on my face and glare at my computer in resentment. I watch the houseguests nap and daintily tiptoe their way through the game. I wake up in the morning and ask myself, "How the hell am I supposed to turn this into an entertaining blog?" I shouldn't have to ask myself that. There are 24 hours in a day and $500,000 on the line. I should be clicking through pages upon pages of notes, sifting through dozens of screencaps, and chomping at the bit to tell you all what went down in the house yesterday. Instead my notes read: Adam didn't use the POV. Kalia sad.

What really chaps my ass is how Grodner's team knows this season sucks and, in response, has resorted to cheap hokey tactics to entertain the CBS viewing audience. Had Robyn Kass and Allison Grodner not made the the mistake they made in casting in the first place, CBS wouldn't have to invent last minute Pandora's Boxes and drag people like Tori Spelling into the house. Since the cast was hopeless from the start and it was pretty evident around week 2 or 3 that this was going to be a lackluster season, new people should have been brought in and the game should have been revamped. It's done all the time in the UK. New people are brought in well after the half way mark, multiple evictions are made, housemates are forced to scramble, and it's like having an entirely new season laid out before you. My motto is: If there's a problem, fix it. Just fucking fix it. Bringing Brendon back, designing comps for certain vets to win, and dressing up Adam with primal screams and meeting his dream woman is not fixing the problem. It's putting a giant sign over it that says: "Look the other way please. Look at the shiny Tori Spelling over there. Nothing to see here." Again, how stupid does CBS think we all are?

Typically, I come here and pick on the players, but today I'm laying all of the blame on Allison Grodner and Robyn Kass. Had you done your jobs right from the get go, I wouldn't have spent my summer bitching and moaning about how boring and useless this cast is. I'm not exactly sure how it works in tv land, but when people in the real world don't do their jobs to the best of their ability, they're fired. I think you two ladies need to hand in your resignations and pass the torch on to someone younger, someone with newer ideas. Competitions shouldn't be recycled, favoritism shouldn't be an issue, and it shouldn't be a struggle for me to force myself on a daily basis to watch your little dog and pony show. The only reason you survive in the ratings is because you have little to no competition and a fiercely loyal online fanbase. If you can't do the show right, then don't do it at all. I'd rather you take it off the air then have to watch it go down in flames like it has. I respect the institution that is Big Brother too much to watch you and your staff cast lifeless uninteresting people time and time again. What's worse is that we can all see your giant hands manipulating the game more than ever. It's insulting.

In closing, I truly love the game of Big Brother and when someone takes a giant dump on top of something I love, I get angry. When someone insults me with dismal players, I become furious. When blatant manipulation is flashed in front of me, I begin to seethe. I don't know if anyone of any importance will ever see this blog, but they need to know that what they're doing, what they're creating, is a joke. I'm not one of those neutral BB sites that pretends everything is fine and dandy just to please the masses. Everything isn't fine and dandy. Changes need to be made, people need to be held accountable, and we need the show that we all adore to come back next summer with a vengeance. According to a random numerology site, the number 14 is considered "the number of forgetfulness". I'll make you a deal CBS - give me a killer cast, innovative competitions, and a ruthless game for Big Brother 14 and I'll be willing to forget the tragedy that has been Big Brother 13. I'll sweep it under the rug and never speak of it again. ENTERTAIN ME AND I'LL ENTERTAIN YOU. That's how this works - it's a give and take. Quid pro quo Big Brother, quid pro quo.

Since the HG's are having an early eviction this week and I think they're pretaping a show today, the feeds could be down for almost 24 hours. I'll be back on Friday to discuss the ridiculous final four we're left with. Since these late in the season blogs are more likely to be seen by the cast than my earlier blogs, expect even more vitriol than usual. I want those idiots to see what I really think of them. In the meantime, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Cut The Cord

There are no more gumdrops, no more lollipops. No more leather handbags, no more mahogany tables. Straight shootin', darn tootin' Cowgirl Shelly has left the building and somewhere the longhorns dip their heads in tribute. I will miss my leathery goddess and the delicate tapestries of lies she so expertly wove together. Physically, she was a string bean. Socially, she was a jelly bean. Sweet and fruity, yummy and bright. Your best friend one minute and your mortal enemy the next, Shelly breathed life into this somewhat lackluster season of Big Brother. It was a smoky Folgers Crystals breath of life, but it was a breath of life nonetheless. Fare thee well Coyote Ugly. I have no idea how I'll make it through this last week without you. Let's recap, shall we?

The Dragon Lady has moseyed on out of the house and we've got ourselves an HOH to play. Actually, let me rephrase that - Rachel has herself an HOH to play. Specifically designed with a Rachel victory in mind, that doughnut competition was a joke. I think you and I both know that there was no way in hell Kalia, Adam, or Jordan was going to win that comp. Adam is too big and clumsy, Kalia has the stamina of molasses, and Jordan isn't awake enough to know what the hell is going on. Only Rachel had a shot in hell to win and win she did. Rachel is our new HOH.

By the time the feeds return, the house is relatively quiet and solemn. Kalia is actually nervous that she voted to evict to Adam and Jordan is angry she didn't win the HOH herself. First off, why would anyone be scared of Adam? He wouldn't know the meaning of retribution if it sat on his face. Adam is there for one purpose and one purpose only: to side with whomever is in power. Good for nothing, uninteresting, boring, lazy, Adam will go down in history as the worst casting decision ever made on Big Brother. The only talent he has is the power of invisibility which is pretty remarkable considering how large and freakish looking he is. Secondly, Jordan is down. Oh what a sad clown. The sleepy princess hasn't won anything since it was thrown to her in week 2 and now she's got a bad case of the sads. She insinuates that Rachel should have probably thrown the HOH to her this week as next week is likely to be questions and Jordan couldn't answer her way out of a paper bag. Rachel poo-poo's the negativity and decides that her victory is a good thing. Instead of whining and giving herself premature frown lines, Jordan should be on her knees thanking Rachel for carrying her ass through this game. Why Rachel continues to protect little miss winner is a mystery to me. It has to dawn on her at some point that in a Rachel/Jordan final two, there's a very good chance that Jordan could win... again!

Jordan's main concern this week is Porsche. She wants her out because she fears the fabled Adam/Porsche alliance. Rachel disagrees and thinks Kalia is the better choice. Kalia is a brute when it comes to questions and I think that scares the living shit out of Rachel.

Rachel gets her HOH room and it was full of tequila and birdseed. Actually, I have no idea what she got. I passed out before the reveal and by the time BBAD started, the celebrations were over. I like the idea of Rachel getting birdseed and one of those parrot swings to swing on while chugging from a bottle of liquor though. Boxes of cereal and packages of beef jerky are so ten years ago. HOH's should get new wardrobes, streamers, and stuff to make the other HG's jealous. You got to give players like Adam actual incentive to want to win. Throw in some jewelry and flatscreen tv's. Make throwing an HOH a completely absurd idea. I want to see the losers seething with jealousy while winners like Rachel get to gloat over new sequined tops and the fancy bird toys that line her cage. Big Brother needs an extreme makeover. We need some glitz and glamour. No more recycled competitions. No more wicker baskets. Just because Allison Grodner lives in her own miserable world of complacency doesn't mean we have to as well.

Rachel gets called to the Diary Room and the HOH reveal ends with a fizzle. Jordan starts pressuring Adam to distance himself from Porsche and Adam, for god knows what reason, starts thinking about Tori Spelling. This is actually interesting because last night Allison "I suck at this" Grodner tweeted "If the new HOH opens Pandora's Box, one House Guest in particular will be very happy." In addition, I believe Julie Chen said something about a celebrity visit next week. The Twitter world is divided on the celebrity visit being either Tori Spelling or Ashton Kutcher. Tori Spelling makes sense because A.G. specifically said "one house guest in particular" would be surprised. From the very beginning, all Adam has ever wanted was to meet Tori Spelling. No other HG has obsessed over a specific celeb like Adam has over Tori. As far as the Ashton rumor is concerned, people think he'll show up to promote Two and a Half Men. First off, Two and a Half Men doesn't need a rinky dink show like Big Brother to promote it. Everyone knows Ashton is taking over. It's one of the biggest stories of 2011. Besides, why would "one house guest" be blown away by Ashton visiting? I would think all of them would. I'm leaning towards Tori Spelling only because of the way the tweet was worded and, besides, she'll show up to the opening of an envelope. Then again, all of this begs the question, "Why surprise useless Adam with anything at all?" *shrugs shoulders* I don't know who is coming or who will benefit. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Plus, this all depends as to whether or not Rachel even opens the damn thing. The surprise could be as lame as Brendon for all we know.

Rachel comes back from the Diary Room and has a brief meeting with Jordan in the HOH. Her plan for this week is to nominate Kalia and Porsche. If one of them wins, Adam will go up in their place. However, Jordan wonders if Adam could win and take Porsche off the block. In that case Jordan would go up in her place and then go home. As blissful and as perfect as that sounds to me, the idea of Adam winning anything before the season is over is ridiculous. Besides, would Adam really have the balls to actually use the POV and risk pissing off Big Red? No way.

Speaking of Adam, it actually bothers Rachel that she has to get rid of a competitor this week rather than a dormant lump like Adam. She's content focusing on Kalia, but she's also bothered by it. I think the idea of Adam getting to the end nauseates Rachel as much as it nauseates all of us. I just wonder if the idea of Jordan slithering through bothers her as well. It should. Rachel's done all the work while all Jordan has done is sleep, cry, make a few laps around the backyard, and sit around with a pissed off look on her face. The idea of Rachel winning even one dollar sickens me to the core, but the idea of Jordan winning anything sickens me even more. Rachel's best plan of attack is to get rid of Jordan this week. It's smart, easy, and she'd still probably get Jordan's vote in the end anyways. Rachel's best chance of winning is if she goes up against a Newbie. Now is the time for her to start thinking about her final two odds. She needs to approach the Newbies and make it sound like it's in their best interest to make a final two deal with her. She should tell them the only vote she really has in the Jury House (were she to evict Jordan) would be Brendon. It would be a shame for her blind loyalty to Jordan to get in the way of her accomplishing what she's worked so hard for. Jordan will never talk to her again after this summer is over anyways. Cut the cord now Rachel. Send Jordan home and I swear I'll stop making parrot jokes at your expense.

So, that's it for now. Not much else to report. I have to go out of town for the weekend so I will be back on Tuesday. Comment it out bitches and have a great Labor Day everyone!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Spiky Wishes, Barbwire Dreams

Big Brother season 13 continues to lurch forward at a snail's pace. We know someday it will end. Someday it'll all be over. I can see it on my calendar, but I can't feel it in my soul. What if it never ends? What if the doors on the CBS backlot rust shut and no one else is allowed to enter or leave? I guess the bright spot in such a scenario is that they'd all eventually die of starvation. Actually, Kalia would turn cannibal and manage to make it a few extra months. Only Shelly could emerge triumphant and live through what is a seemingly hopeless situation. Our warrior princess, our leathery goddess, with her wits and survivalist instincts would smoke the grass in the backyard, use the bicycles to generate power, and shoot squirrels with a bow and arrow she fashioned out of lawn furniture and bedspreads. The spirit of a huntress, the heart of a puppy dog, that's our Shelly. Where others latched onto large and beefy male types to carry them through the game, Shelly did it all by herself. With words as her weapons she busted up alliances, flipped the house, saved HG's, ran HOH's that weren't even hers to begin with, and planted seeds that led to almost each and every eviction. This one's for you Shelly. You go girl. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll start with the POV ceremony. Rachel used the POV on herself & Jordan and Adam & Shelly have gone up in their place. *sigh* It's what Big Brother wanted. It what that late night meeting last Thursday was designed to accomplish. Allison Grodner sat at the head of a large conference table surrounded by empty bags of Cheetohs and pork rinds and demanded vindication for her secret love slave Jeff. The associate producers scrambled and mumbled things like, "How about a Platium Power of Return?", "What if last week was the Bizarro week and Jeff really isn't evicted at all?", "Or maybe we pretend the Jury House and Jeff are made of rubber and Jeff bounces right back into the game?" They were all good ideas, but none of them were subtle enough for AG's liking. If they couldn't bring Jeff back, then the next best thing would be to keep Jordan in the game for as long as possible. With Jordan out of the picture, Allison can take that 8X10 Jeff glossy out of her pants and replace it with Little Jeff himself. So instead, they tempted Porsche with something they knew she could never turn down - images of alcohol - and voila! Mission accomplished.

Shelly kind of knows the jig is up. She could be angry at BB, she could be angry at Porsche, but instead she's sitting in the BY soaking up some rays and shooting the shit with her fellow HG's. I don't know how she keeps her cool. If that were me, I'd have strangled Porsche and thrown her lifeless body over the wall for an unsuspecting Bold & Beautiful actor to discover on their way back to set. Instead, our mahogany princess sat with a smile on her face and accepted her fate with grace and dignity. Maybe she was planning. Maybe she was plotting. The one thing I love about Shelly is her stealth. All of her decisions are made without our knowledge. Viewers can only sit and wait to see how she'll carry out her plans. Will she kill everyone with kindness? Will she mindfuck Kalia within an inch of her life? We don't know! And that's what makes her so fun to watch. Where the other HG's are fairly easy to read, Shelly is the only one who always keeps me on my toes.

While Shelly was outside nurturing relationships with her fellow HG's, Kalia and Porsche were up in the HOH looking very sad and forlorn - as they should be! As much as I hate Big Brother for butting in this week, I know this was all ultimately Porsche's fault. Suzuki had a perfectly pristine week sitting right in front of her. Everything was neat and tidy. It was all wrapped up with a big pretty pink bow. She won two competitions back to back and this was finally her week to shine. All she had to do was shun Pandora's Box, nominate both Rachel & Jordan, and then send one of them out the door. Instead, she stuck her hands into a giant pile of stinking poo and smeared it all over herself. Why, for the love of god, WHY, does anyone take a Pandora's Box at this stage of the game?!? Pandora's Box is never good. Even when it rained money, Kevin got screwed. Christ, Matt even blew his Diamond Power Of Veto on Kathy. Kathy! Now you listen up future houseguests, never ever ever open a Pandora's Box. It's BB's way of meddling in the game. It's not to help you. It's to push their story forward. Pandora's Box helps Big Brother and Big Brother only. Etch that on the inside of your skulls. You may need it someday.

Upstairs Kalia & Porsche are using their painted beans to run through various scenarios. Kalia states very authoritatively, "We can't let Rachel win any endurance competitions." Uh, duh. You bitches can't let Rachel win anything. The second Rachel wins is the second one of you numbskulls is going home. Kalia continues and says that Shelly needs to go home this week. In lieu of King Flip Flop, Kalia, in her infinite wisdom, thinks Shelly should be going home next. I'm stunned that at this stage of the game, Kalia actually believes Adam won't flip again. More on this later, but here's a spoiler - HE FLIPS AGAIN.

The afternoon continues on lazily enough. All seems quiet. All seems peaceful. Jordan is sleeping (again!) and Rachel tiptoes into the room and wakes her up. It turns out that Big Brother finally gave her a pregnancy test and the results are in. (Note: I take full credit. I tweeted Grodner myself that they should give Rachel a test.) While I sat making adjustments to the infant's baby hat I was knitting (I added two slots at the top for the baby's horns to fit neatly into), Rachel whispers, "I took the test. It's negative." Jordan rolls over and mumbles, "Good. One less thing to stress about." Rachel confesses that she would have been happy either way and at home I began to angrily throw yarn balls all around the room.

Yes, Rachel's child would have had the horns of Satan and a penchant for fresh kitten's blood, but I had already grown to love that little demon. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these handpainted baby bottles that say "TEQUILA" on them? No other baby in the world, but Rachel Reilly's would have any use for them. And what about the black baby booties with the rusted spikes on the end? It wasn't easy ripping those off of the gates of the local church you know. The bibs with witty phrases like, "Feed me bitch or I'll claw your eyes out!" and "666" bedazzled on them are useless now. Useless! All that hard work for nothing. I'll be sending you a bill Rachel Reilly. I don't think Babys-R-Us will take back the crib I've already outfitted with barbed wire and gargoyles, do you?!

After ripping up the baby shower invitations written in Ancient Enochian and canceling the Satanic priest I booked to oversee the baptism, I checked back into the house in search of anything to lift my spirits. What do you suppose I found? Adam, that pile of uselessness, was in the Have-Not room with Jordan doing what Adam does best - FLIPPING. If you'll remember, last week he pledged his solemn allegiance to Kalia & Porsche. Now, only days later, we find him saying the same exact thing to Jordan. Adam is hands down the biggest casting mistake in Big Brother history. Lawon was pretty bad, but I'll go out on a limb and say that Adam is even worse. At least Lawon got mad when he was mad. At least Lawon picked a side. Adam's balls still haven't dropped and I have yet to see the guy express emotion. He's an insult to hardcore Big Brother fans. I know I'd be horrible at this game - I don't hide my emotions very well - but at least I'd be entertaining. Let me put it this way, Rachel's unborn unfertilized baby is more entertaining than Adam has ever been. I could write about little Damien until the end of time. He's full of personality and would drink Adam's blood for breakfast. Adam would sit and smoke and there tiny Damien would be gnawing on his jugular. Let's hope the test was a false negative and demon children take only a week to gestate. Damien for the win!

So Jordan tells Adam that he needs to pick a side once and for all. Adam tells Jordan he's with her 100%. He tells her if they keep him in the house this week that he will be indebted to her next week. Jordan warns him that he better not flip again and Adam swears he won't (rrrrrright). Adam continues and says he doesn't think anyone will take him to the final two anyways. Jordan says in no uncertain terms, "Don't be too sure about that." She then insinuates that if given the opportunity, she'd take Adam over Rachel to the end. Oh sweet fancy Moses. Can you imagine a Jordan/Adam final two? I think I'd have to kill myself. I'm already having a hard time justifying putting my life on hold for this season, but a Jordan/Adam final two?!? Oh hell no. Hell to the no. Look, it would pain me to see Rachel walk away with any cash whatsoever, but I'd much rather see her win first or second over these two poundcakes. Jordan slept half the summer away and I'm surprised Adam has a pulse to speak of. A Jordan/Adam final two would be the worst possible outcome which, because nothing on this show ever goes my way, is most likely a certainty now. I've learned to expect the worst from season 13. That way I can never be angry and maybe, just maybe, there's an opportunity for some pleasant surprises.

The only person left, truly deserving of a win, is Shelly. She's the singlehanded warrior, the savvy cowgirl, the slithering soldier. She's getting a raw deal in the house and an even more raw deal outside of the house. I'm sad a summer that should have been fun for both her and her family is ending on such a sour note. After all, this is just a game show. Unfortunately, I think Shelly's time is up. It took almost 60 days, but the rest of the house is finally piecing together that Shelly has been the BB13 mastermind all along. She had a good run and I'll be heartbroken to see her go. She was an early favorite who caught my attention the first second I saw her mosey across that backyard with a ciggy hanging out of the side of her mouth. She lulled houseguests into a false sense of security, she deflected targets like Wonder Woman with her magic cuffs, and she mindfucked just about everyone in that house at one point or another. This bitch will miss you Shelly. Best of luck to you and your family.

I'll be back on Friday to discuss our new HOH. I need to step away for the rest of the week. Jeff's half-hearted smartass nonapology for his homophobia, Kalia saying she threw her dog against a wall, and the disgusting death threats being made against an innocent little girl make it extremely hard to want anything to do with this show anymore. What used to be fun has turned gross. What used to be all encompassing now makes me cringe. This entire season is a bust. Grodner needs to retire and a new E.P. should take over and breathe new life into the game we all used to love. I want to be addicted again. I want to get excited. I want to feel like my time hasn't been wasted. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you? Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Abort, Abort!

Deep down we knew. We knew the fairness, the equality, and the tide turning wouldn't last. There's a giant curly haired wizard (not to be confused with the leathery goddess wizard) behind the Big Brother curtain and she's out for vengeance. With an 8X10 glossy of Jeff Schroeder stuffed down her enormous pants, Allison Grodner yanks on pulleys, presses random buttons on the smoke machine, and goes through bag after bag of pork rinds thinking of ways to save what she thinks is her ratings goldmine. Rules be damned! The evil puppet master can only grind herself against that glossy for so long. She wants the real thing. She needs golden boy (and his idiot sidekick) in the house so she can sit in her giant office with her Funyun fingers and fondle herself. What Ms. Grodner doesn't realize is that she's already sitting on a ratings bonanza. It starts with "De" and ends with "Mon". It's a demon child brewing in the oven and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why this hasn't been addressed and turned into a plot line. Let's recap, shall we?

It's a new day in this house of tears and overnight Jordan has morphed into a preteen girl who gives her parents the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. It's morning and Shelly is in the kitchen. Jordan walks in and Shelly says, "Good morning Jordan." Jordan turns around and walks away in silence. A bastion of maturity she is! I wanted Shelly to slap her across the face in that moment and tell her to go to her room and not come out until she's prepared to act like an adult. I also wanted Shelly to smack her in the ass with a wooden spoon, but we can't all get what we want, can we?

Here's the thing: deep down Jordan knows that what Shelly did was indeed the best thing for her game. Jordan's phony bohunk boyfriend ruined any chance of getting Shelly's vote when he yelled and mocked her right before Thursday's live show. Jordan knows this. She's dumb, but she's not that dumb. If someone yelled at her and embarrassed her in front of the entire house, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go and vote for that person to stay. Jeff fucked up and Jordan isn't smart enough or savvy enough to deal with the aftermath. So, like a petulant child without her binky, Jordan refuses to acknowledge the fact that Jeff screwed up and instead, she stomps around the house moping hoping someone somewhere will care.

Jordan goes to Rachel and tells her the only way they'll be able to stay in the game is if they get a special power. Hearing this I was angry that Jordan would so flagrantly want the game to bow down and kneel in her direction. Why should special powers be invented for the sole purpose of saving them? Where's the fairness in that? Where's the strategy and the purity? I should have known then that something was on the horizon. Instead, I ignored the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and checked in on what Porsche was up to.

In the backyard, Shelly, Porsche, and Kalia are going over whether or not they should put Adam on the block. Porsche tells the others that they better not lose HOH next week. Shelly says that if Rachel or Jordan wins HOH next week, then she is the number one target. Kalia, not wanting a moment in time to pass without her voice molesting it, chimes in and says that she is the number one target because she put Jeff on the block. Shelly replies, "I guaranteed I'm the target." She's right. Jordan's ire is like a heat seeking missile and Shelly is like a nice and toasty campfire.

The conversation turns to whom Porsche should nominate. Porsche is trying to run the meeting, but Kalia is again raping the air with her voice. Over and over again, incessantly, Kalia just won't shut up! Porsche would say, "Here's what we should..." and then in jumps Kalia, "This is what we should do." Porsche would try to continue, "I'm thinking of nominating..." and then in pops Kalia, "This is who we should nominate." Since I think we can all agree that Kalia is the WORST HOH in Big Brother history (*ahem* Lawon *ahem*), I'd prefer Kalia was in a corner somewhere eating her feelings rather than trying to run Porsche's HOH. I realize her dopamine levels are back to normal this week, but I think I prefer self-sabotaging-face-first-into-a-bag-of-pita-chips Kalia rather than know-it-all Kalia.

So the big question is whether or not Porsche should just go ahead and nominate Jordan & Rachel right off the bat. The target this week is Rachel and Porsche is concerned that she could win POV and remove herelf from the block. Porsche's other option is to nominate Jordan & Adam. She (or whichever one of them wins POV) will remove Adam and put up Rachel in his place. They run the plan by Adam and, like me, his reaction is pretty much, "Hell no. What the fuck?!" It's way too risky to not nominate Jordan & Rachel from the get go. If you nominate Jordan & Adam and Rachel wins POV, she'll remove Jordan and then Shelly is definitely going home. The risk far outweighs the alternative - Rachel winning and removing herself meaning Jordan goes home. Who cares who goes home this week from the Oldies side just as long as one of them goes home!

Adam airs his concerns, but Kalia & Porsche are convinced that Rachel or Jordan won't win POV. They think Rachel will crumble under pressure and they're certain Jordan can't win anything without Jeff there to help her. Again, why take the risk if you don't have to? At this point in the game, Jordan is equally as threatening as Rachel is - if not more so. Let's all remember how Jordan won BB11 in the first place. She was perceived as a nonthreat and ended up getting carried right to the end. With a Jury stacked with Oldies, it's much too dangerous to let her linger in the house. I know Porsche thinks taking her to the end is a way to keep her from voting, but it's also a way to hand her the entire game yet again. It's frustrating to watch the Newbies go back and forth over what should be a no brainer.

Meanwhile back in the confines of the Starburst Room, Rachel is becoming more and more concerned that she's pregnant. She's felt this way since last week and I never brought it up because her math was off and it hadn't been 4 weeks yet since her last period. But, now, as more time passes and Rachel confirms that sex took place without birth control, what was once a stab in the dark (ha!) now holds a teeny tiny bit more weight. Apparently, Rachel asked the DR for a pregnancy test, but they won't give her one. Now you listen to me CBS. I've been wanting a Big Brother baby since this whole crappy show started. If I'm finally getting one (that will probably be named Damien and kill us all in our sleep), I want to know about it! There are plans that need to be made, underground bunkers to be built, and a giant steel fence to erect around my house. I know for a fact that baby will emerge with a full head of hair, pointy eyebrows, and sharp nails. It'll take it's first breath while twirling it's moustache and demanding pig's blood instead of Similac. This will be a child of the corn and according to my calculations his arrival next April gives it enough time to wipe us out by December 21, 2012 - the end of the world as we know it. If Rachel still hasn't gotten her period by next week, we go into panic mode my dear readers.

The morning continued peaceful enough, but one thing was amiss. Porsche was locked out of her HOH and rumors of a Pandora's Box were rampant. A Pandora's Box at this point in the game means only one thing: keep Jordan safe. Know-it-all Kalia doesn't think it's a Pandora's Box at all. She says they still have to do nominations today and there's simply no time for a Pandora's Box to take place. Since shutting up isn't an option, Kalia continues pontificating on what if it was a Pandora's Box. If Jeff or Brendon came back into the game, she doesn't think they'd be there to play. She says they could spend their enire time yelling at her for all she cares. As long as they have no impact on the game, she's fine with them coming back. Rrrrright. First off, Shelly is the one Jeff would yell at and, secondly, when people come back they absolutely have an effect on the game (i.e. Rachel's pretzel note). Kalia is just talking to talk. That what she does best. She kills with words. Forget about that demon child, Kalia might just beat him to the punch and suck all the oxygen out of the atmosphere.

Well, like everything else in her life, Kalia was wrong about Pandora's Box. It did happen and that knucklehead Isuzu (I change her name when I'm angry with her) went ahead and opened it. Apparently, there were bottles of champagne and a gold box for Hyundai to choose from. She thought she'd be locked into the secret room where she could chug two bottles of champagne all by herself. Instead, Datsun won $5000 for her and Kalia and the blasted duos are back. The new duos are Porsche/Kalia, Adam/Shelly, and Rachel/Jordan. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Kalia was angry Chevy opened Pandora's Box while Adam tried to stay positive saying this has no bearing on the game.

As Adam is the most useless player in the game, he could not be more wrong. This puts a giant monkey wrench in everything. Now, if Jordan/Rachel are nominated and they manage to save themselves (which, let's face it, the POV will be designed for precisely this to happen), Ford will be forced to nominate Adam/Shelly meaning Shelly will most definitely go home. No wonder Adam isn't concerned about it! He's safe no matter what happens. What infuriates me most about this is you KNOW Allison and her minions sat up all night thinking of ways to keep Jordan & Rachel in the game. This whole thing feels last minute and spontaneous. It reeks of meddling. It's no secret that BB has tried to influence the game in the past, but it's become a farce at this point. There's no sanctity anymore. The purity of the game no longer exists. CBS executives clearly have their favorites and what used to be subtle manipulation is now a flagrant joke. I'm disappointed because not even smarts and savvy are enough anymore. The direction of the game depends on whether or not a curly-haired puppet master has the hots for you. It's gross and fake and I hate it.

Immediately after opening Pandora's Box, Volvo regrets it. Shelly tries to tell her it's totally fine and that now she has $5000 she didn't have before. Subaru worries that she just took $5000 over $50 or $500K. At home I punched myself in the face and screamed, "Why, why, whyyyy?!" Why did Toyota open that damn box?!? She should have taken one look at it and then walked away. It's her own fault. She made a dumb ass mistake and now we're all paying for it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope Jordan or Rachel still goes home, but watching this game for as long as I have and knowing what I know, I am lacking in optimism at this point.

Conversely, Jordan & Rachel are thrilled - as they should be. Who wouldn't be thrilled knowing the game is bending to their every whim? Rachel excitedly tells Jordan that now they have a fighting chance. All they need to do is win POV. Meanwhile, Camry is worried that if Jordan/Rachel do win that Adam will flip again. It's the only thing he's good at. Flip flop, flip flop. She warns Adam that Jordan & Rachel will be working him hard. Adam tells her she has nothing to worry about. I, for one, don't believe him for one second. I think he'll flip in a heartbeat and I also think he'll cruise right into the final 3 - perhaps the final 2. It's nauseating to think that in an Adam/Shelly or Adam/Kalia final two, Adam would probably win. Scary, isn't it?

Skipping forward to BBAD, we find Jordan & Rachel in the HOH room with Porsche & Kalia trying to make a deal. Jordan initiated it all by saying something along the lines of, "I've never talked game with y'all before because I've never talked game in the past." What the hell is she talking about? "Wull, umm, uhh Jayeff, wull." Oh shut up you idiot. That twang drives me insane. Jordan continues and tries to make a treaty. She says the other side got rid of Brendon & Jeff and her side got rid of Dani so, in her mind, they're even. Now, I'm not a genius. I'm not a rocket scientist and I don't have a PhD on my wall, but correct me if I'm wrong here.... Brendon + Jeff = 2 people. Dani = 1 person. According to what I learned when I was about three years old, 2 and 1 are not equal values.

Rachel interrupts and goes on her floater rant. She thinks both Shelly & Adam are floaters and she wants them out sooner rather than later so that Jordan/Rachel/Porsche/Kalia can be in the final four. I take issue with anyone calling Shelly a floater. She hasn't won anything yet, but her social game has been pretty stellar. She got information from both sides of the house, managed to keep Rachel off the block when Kalia was HOH, and is the reason Jeff is sunning himself at the Jury House right now. She may not be likable to some and she may not side with your favorites, but I don't think anyone can say Shelly hasn't been playing since day one.

Jordan gets up to leave the HOH, but Rachel isn't ready to go yet. Jordan tries to shove Rachel out the door, but Rachel doesn't budge. She has more to say and it's basically a bunch of b.s. about how she's honest and will tell you straight to your face what she's thinking. Somewhere an angel plummeted to it's death in that moment. RIP sweet angel. The whole grody scenario ends with Kalia happy. She's always happy when she feels like the Oldies are somewhat on her side. This is what makes her such a shitty player. She lacks the cutthroatiness needed to make big moves. The Jeff eviction on her part was a fluke as far as I'm concerned. Had that been a week long HOH of hers, there's no telling what sort of cockamamie moves she would have made.

Alright, I'm going to end this here because some bitch named Irene is knocking on my door. In the event that my power goes out, there will not be a blog tomorrow. There won't be a blog because A) I won't have the power to watch the feeds, type, and post one and B) I'll have driven myself insane from having no TV and internet access. Godspeed those of you near the coastline. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Friday, August 26, 2011

It's A Got Got Celebration!

I'd like to open today's blog with an exact reenactment of what I did last night. Please to enjoy:

Let's recap, shall we?

When all hope seemed lost, when the sadness overwhelmed us, when it appeared we had nothing left to live for... a miracle happened! A sexy little miracle wrapped up in velvet and tied tight with a giant ribbon bounced into our lives. The man who thought he had it all - the perfect fake relationship, the coaching from the Diary Room, scores of adoring menopausal women - is gone bitches! He got punched in the face with a jolt of reality and was sent packing. It's ok though. He'll be fine. Surrounded by past issues of Homophobic Monthly, he'll spend the rest of his summer shrouded in embarrassment and regret. It's a Festivus miracle! It's a Got Got celebration! Grab those bowls of glitter I told you to put on your windowsill at the beginning of the season and get ready to do some dippin' - some nipple dippin' that is.

Daniele is gone, Jeff is gone (woohoo!), and two very happy young ladies take an opportunity to celebrate. Giddy with excitement and bursting with joy, Kalia and Porsche are beside themselves with glee. Once again, Kalia dominated a question comp while Porsche finally sailed her way to a physical comp victory. As that POV competition was clearly designed with a Jeff victory in mind, Porsche nailed it while Jeff hurled one of the very shoes he was looking for right out of the box. Hahaha sucker!

Not everyone is happy though. There are two more little girls who are sad. Awww. Sad and weepy to be exact. *giggles* Jordan is furious things didn't go her way so now she's going to throw a gigantic tantrum and attack a woman who did only what was best for her game. You see, it's fine for Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel to play skillfully and tell lies. It's fine for Jeff to attack Shelly minutes before the live show, but somehow, in that tiny little raisin Jordan calls a brain, it's not fine for Shelly to defend herself and play strategically. Immediately after the live show ends, Jordan flies off the handle and accuses Shelly of mocking Jeff & Jordan in the DR throughout the entire game. Shelly tells Jordan she's not there to play Jeff's game. *Oh snap!* Shelly is there to play her own game. Jordan screams, "I gave you a fucking phone call!" and at home I poured a magnum of Cristal all over my naked chest. Sensing that Jordan was about to do or say something really stupid (which is pretty much par for the course), Rachel rushes in and escorts her to the Starburst Room where together they cry and lament over how their men did everything they could to protect them. *gag*

Jordan whines about how evil Daniele is, "She's such a dumb bitch. Wearing too much eye make-up!" Really Jordan? Really? You have nothing better to criticize about Daniele than her make-up? How very stoic and mature of you. Jordan continues burbling about how she should have never voted out Brendon. I suppose you could say Jordan feels like she "got got" by Shelly. *fireworks burst overhead* It's poetic really. It's all perfect and Aesop-y how everything that goes around comes around and people finally get what they deserve. I've always felt that stupidity and ignorance should never be rewarded. Jordan winning her season of Big Brother made me question the order of the universe and what the grand master flash plan was for all of humanity. Sure enough, she's spent thousands of her prize money on Jeff and now she has nothing to show for it, but a phony relationship and a disturbing complacency about it all.

Through the tears and the moans, Jordan finds one thing to be happy about. She's used her fingers to do some adding and she's realized that the Oldies control the votes in the Jury House. LOL so what Jordan? You're still going to have to vote for a Newbie to win. You're still going to have to reward that money to someone you feel doesn't deserve it. It's sort of like when you got the money your season, isn't it? Again, what goes around, comes around. Beauteous.

Meanwhile in the Tarot Card Room, Adam is busy doing his usual Thursday night flip. It's a weekly ritual he's become quite good at. It involves sucking the teat of the side of the house that's in power. It's gotten him this far. Why not try it again? Adam tells Kalia he voted the way he did against Daniele because Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel treated him well. Clearly, he missed out on all the convos that took place behind his back - the ones where Jeff mocked him and Jordan planned his eviction. Add another idiot onto the fire. If there was an "America's Favorite Floater" award, Adam would be the undisputed winner.

While all of this is going on, our leathery goddess is having herself a good cry as well. She feels bad about having to turn on Jeff & Jordan. She never meant to hurt them and we all know she's telling the truth. She went into this game looking up to them and defending them a little too much, but we all knew that eventually the glossy veneer would dull and she'd see those two assholes for who they really are - selfish and entitled. It's Jeff own fault really. Had he not been such a bullying dick to everyone, he'd probably still have Shelly in his back pocket. So now Shelly is sort of wiped out and exhausted. You know those cries you have when you're plum tuckured out? Your body is spent and you just want to curl up in bed and veg out to a My So-Called Life marathon or something. Well, that's where Shelly is right about now. She's spent.

Kalia tells Shelly that from here on out it's four against two. They just need to stick together and ride this thing out to the end. Shelly nods and sniffles about what a hypcrite Jeff is. She doesn't understand why it was ok for him to play his own game, but it was never ok for her to play her own game. Porsche tells her not to worry about. Jordan already won the $500K two years ago. She doesn't need or deserve to win it again. Shelly is thankful for her new sisters in the house and it's sort of sweet how Kalia & Porsche have rallied around her to buoy her spirits.

Back in the Starburst Room, a delicious festival of tears is taking place. Jordan is still yammering on and on about she controls the vote in the Jury House and Rachel wonders if perhaps one of them can still make it to the end. Jordan thinks it's a lost cause for both of them and Rachel says they should have all just gone out of the game in the first four weeks and collected their guaranteed stipend. In case you're wondering, the Oldies are getting paid twice what the Newbies are and it sounds like they were either guaranteed a spot in the Jury House (which would explain why Brendon came back into the game) or getting paid for the entire run of the season regardless of when they got out of the game.

As sniffling is only fun to Rachel when she has a sympathetic audience, she wipes her nose and wonders where her stuffed dog, Colonel Quackers, is. If those meanies out in the Living Room can send her and Jordan's doofus boyfriends home, then Rachel wants Colonel Quackers back and she wants him now. With a furl of her lip and a stomp, Rachel marches out of the Starburst Room and says to Shelly, "You took out my fiance. You took out Jeff. I want my stuffed dog back." Shelly replies, "I didn't take your dog sweetheart." Ha! Sweetheart! God, I love Shelly. Rachel puts her hands on her hips and says in a tough menacing voice, "Who hid Colonel Quackers?" *laughs* It's hard to be scary when you say the name "Colonel Quackers" you harlot. Rachel is insistent, but Shelly, Kalia, and Porsche swear they have no idea where it is. (Note: I am told that Shelly did indeed hide the stuffed dog which, of course, means my admiration for her grows exponentially.)

Frustrated and angry, Rachel stomps back into the Starburst Room where Jordan is still miserable and crying. *dumps an entire bowl of glitter over self* All I've wanted all season long is Jeff gone and Jordan crying about it. Jordan says herself she never wanted to come back to the Big Brother house in the first place and, to hardcore fans like all of us, it's incredibly infuriating to hear something like that. Watching her spend the entire summer hiding under the covers and sleeping is an insult to Big Brother fans. She took up a space that could have been occupied by Matt, Ragan, Ronnie or a slew of other people who'd be more than happy to play and play with a vengeance. I understand that people like and adore Jordan and to those people I ask... Doesn't it bother you that she never wanted to be there? Doesn't it rattle some sort of anger inside of you that she wants to get evicted next week and be done with the whole thing? We all invest so much time in this show and to see someone not give a shit about the opportunity they've been given is a slap in the face.

Before I can get any angrier about Jordan wasting my time, she very graciously gives me another precious gift. The tears begin to fall more rapidly and her face contorts into all sorts of glorious shapes. A fairy friend fluttered nearby and together we took tiny thimble shots of gin. I threw my top off and Bindweed Rainbowtree (that's my fairy's name) tried to take her top off too, but it got tangled in her drunken wings. Together we laughed and laughed. Her laugh is high and lilting while mine is more of an Anderson Cooper fit of giggles. Bindweed and I decided to take a shot everytime Jordan sniffled and then another shot everytime she wiped her eyes. By the end of the night we were both pantsless and face first into an empty bathtub. I've got a hell of a hangover and a crick in my neck, but it was all worth it. In fact, I've recorded a loop of Jordan crying and I plan on playing it whenever life decides to serve me lemons. A couple seconds of "Sniffle, sniffle, burble, burble, Jayeff..." and I'll be right as rain again. Thanks Jordan!

While the cryfest continues, Kalia's confidence grows into that motormouth thing she does whenever she wins something. She's telling story after story of inane crap that no one cares about while simultaneously wondering where her HOH basket is and if she can eat it yet. Porsche & Kalia discover the basket in the Storage Room and are both thrilled to find Nair inside. Kalia's letter is from her boyfriend and I don't think I'm the only one surprised he actually exists.

Let's check back into the Starburst Room, shall we? Awww would you look at that? Now both Rachel and Jordan are bawling their eyes out. Seriously ladies, you're spoiling me. Feel free to spread out your hiccup-y nonsense over the course of the next several days. There's no rush here. While instant gratification is nice and all, I'll also take little spurts here and there.

The feeds go down for a little while and when they come back, guess what happens? Porsche is our new HOH! *glitter falls from the sky* Can this week get any better? Of course it can. Check it out...

She's gone fetal! *fanfare* They both start bawling again over one of them going home and Jordan says that all the old HG's are probably cheering right now (yup). She admits that they all hate her (well, that's what happens when someone undeserving gets a prize and then alienates themself). Not one to be outdone, Rachel admits that they all hate her too. Actually, that's not true. Rachel has much more support from the old HG's than Jordan does. But who cares about all that? All I care about is that now these two sappy morons have to pack up Jeff's things for him. While they pack Jordan takes yet another opportunity to bash Daniele. She keeps saying Dani is trying to be like her dad which I don't understand at all. It's a flimsy argument that holds no weight. Daniele is nothing like her father and I think she's proved that she played her own game this season. Jordan is just so incredibly trite that the only things she can think to criticize Daniele for areher make-up and whatever the Zingbot said about her. Original thoughts aren't exactly Jordan's forte. Little snippy bursts of childlike petulance are more her speed.

The pouting continues throughout most of BBAD while Porshe dances around the house and talks to imaginary Jeff's in the mirror. "Sorry I had to beat you," she says. "I simply couldn't let you win the POV, could I?" Normally, something like this would annoy me, but I'm in a good mood tonight so let Porsche have her moment. Rock it out girl. You deserve it.

Finally, Porsche gets her HOH room. She nixed her plan to wear a bikini during the reveal and settled on her standard pink tracksuit instead. She scurries around the room pointing out who's who in all the photos while Shelly shouts, "Yay!" and Jordan chokes back tears. Rachel wanders from photo to photo with her arms crossed while Kalia scopes out the treats in Porsche's HOH basket. Porsche continues to scamper around whooping everytime she discovers something new. "My own bible, whoop!", "My bitch mints, whoop!", "That's my older brother, whoop!", "Whoop! I got a Ped Egg, yes!" She reads her letter from her little brother while Jordan is literally weeping to herself. It was a perfect ending to a perfect evening and I couldn't have asked for anything better. Thank you Big Brother gods for finally listening. I was running out of virgins to sacrifice.

The plan is to evict Rachel and, to be honest, I'd much rather they got rid of Jordan first. It scares me when people let her slither through the game, but, then again, maybe she'll fight with Shelly some more. We'll see. So, what did you guys think of last night? Did you dip your breasts in glitter (willy's for the men) or did you hurl your body off of the top of your nearest skyscraper? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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