Monday, September 26, 2016

What To Expect Every Week on Big Brother Over The Top

I know everyone has a lot of questions regarding the upcoming Big Brother Over The Top fall season so here I am to answer just a few to the best of my ability:

Hey Colette, will the 24/7 feeds really be 24/7?

According to CBS All Access, it will be the same feeds you know and love, only with NO SCHEDULED BLACKOUTS. You'll still have 4 cameras plus a Quad view. There will also be rewind and highlight capabilities as well as the opportunity to Flashback to your favorite moments with searchable archives.

Hey Colette, what if I missed a bunch of stuff and want to catch up?

The easiest and most logical answer is that this is what the Big Brother Gossip Show is for, you silly goose! We recap all the events - with clips - so you are never lost. Premiere episode October 1st! After that, find us on iTunes and Stitcher.

There will also be, what they are calling, a "Weekday Replay." This will be a quick recap of all the crucial moments that happened throughout the day. The Weekday Replay will be available Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays at 10:00 PM ET/7:00 PM PT.

Hey Colette, so are there episodes are not?

A rundown of the week's events, followed by the Live Eviction Ceremony will air on Wednesdays at 10:00 PM ET/7:00 PM PT. Shortly after the episode airs, it will be available in its entirety on demand.

Hey Colette, will I ever see Chenbot again?

Yes! Every Thursday afternoon, Julie Chen will interview that week's evicted houseguest (times will vary).

Hey Colette, what in the sam hell is a "Safety Ceremony?"

Live on Saturdays and Sundays at 10:00 PM ET/7:00 PM PT, the HOH will reveal the houseguests who are SAFE for that week. The live reveal of the nominations will be on Sunday evenings.

Hey Colette, I remember you saying on an episode of the Big Brother Gossip Show that if you could change one thing about Big Brother it would be that we would get live access to Diary Room sessions. As you are wise and all knowing, by chance, did they listen to you?

YES! Yes they did! Can you believe it? For the first time ever (you're welcome), fans will get a live look into the confessionals on Tuesdays and Fridays at 11:00 PM ET/8:00 PM PT.

Well, I hope this helps a bit. I know it's confusing and new and weird and we're all like, "What the hell is about to happen here?" I think the first week might take some getting used to, but after that we'll all fall into our groove. I hope you're ready with that CBS ALL ACCESS subscription. BBOTT premieres September 28th! Click below and get those subscriptions NOW.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Important BBOTT Dates You Need To Know

With Big Brother Over The Top around the corner and speculation running rampant regarding exactly what the hell is going to happen this fall. Here are some important dates I can let you in on:

Monday September 26: BBOTT Cast Announced with photos and videos

Tuesday September 27: Voting for Jozea v. Jason closes at 11:29am PT

Wednesday September 28: BBOTT premieres at 10pm ET/7pm PT

Thursday September 29: First HOH Comp at 4pm ET/1pm PT


Wednesday October 5: First On-Demand Episode + Live Eviction


I've got a lot more info to come so stay tuned and be sure to sign up for those BBOTT Live Feeds now! Get yourself 1 Week Free!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016


Sign up now and get one month free the upcoming Big Brother Over The Top! Use the code FALLACCESS by September 16!

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Big Brother Gossip Show Episode #5!

Be sure not to miss our last episode of the Big Brother Gossip Show. The Live Feeds are FINALLY heating up and we had a lot to discuss. Don't miss out! Listen now, for free, on iTunes.

And be sure to catch Day Drinking With Scott & Colette. It's our new show where we discuss the Real Housewives, Below Deck, etc. Right now the show is only available to qualified Patrons. It's super secret and special. Be one of the cool kids and join the fun! To become a Patron and get access to all sorts of goodies, check out our Patreon page and sign up!

And if you still need the Live Feeds, click the link below.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Big Brother Gossip Episode 2!

We are officially in the house and we've got a LOT to discuss. Hear about all of the first week drama on Big Brother Gossip Show Episode 2 - 'We Run This Shit!' You can listen to Scott, Mike, and Myself discuss everything from the Network Broadcast, that 4th Of July Jozea drama, the budding and now defunct showmances, and that epic first fight from Saturday afternoon. We've got clips and plenty of witty banter for you to enjoy. We also did our first Big Brother Gossip Mailbag! Qualified Patrons were able to submit questions for us to answer and I had so much fun doing it! Keep the questions coming. You can ask us anything you want. Last night Scott and I picked our favorite Real Housewife and all three of us tackled the topic of whether or not we'd ever quit Big Brother. I learned a lot about my cohosts last night.

You can check out the show on iTunes or Stitcher. If you want to hear the Bonus Show Podcast that Scott and I did last week where we dove into new territory and broke down Southern Charm and the Real Housewives Of Orange County, make sure you're a Patron. We lowered the price drastically because we want as many people as possible to hear the Bonus Shows. Enjoy and thanks for listening!

Do you still need your Live Feeds? The house is heating up and drama is the order of the day. Don't miss out. Plus, you get one week free! You literally have nothing to lose.

Friday, June 24, 2016

This is me. In all my beauty.

Much like the United Kingdom wanting and gaining their independence from the European Union, the United States of America once sought their independence from the United Kingdom. "We don't want you anymore," the Thirteen Colonies declared. "We can do this all on our own so you take your stinky monarchs and leave us be!" The sentiment is a familiar one. It is one I have been feeling myself for the last 7 days. I don't want you Returning Houseguests! I don't need you dictating this game to me. You've had your chance. Now bugger off and leave me alone. Let's recap, shall we?

First things first, Sleeping Beauty here went to bed around 11pm and woke up around 6am so I have very little to go on. This recap will be bare bones, but once I catch up and get the gist of what's going on in the house, Saturday's Big Brother Gossip Show will be WAY more detail oriented. Also... I cannot blog everyday. I will not blog everyday. Blogging is what I suspect caused my herniated disk in my lower back so, you know, do the math. When did I cut down on the blogging significantly? When my back got all screwed up! It is literally painful for me to sit and write. Sitting for long periods of time messes up my back for the entire day and since I'm a really slow writer and a super active fitness nut, it's pretty awful for me. I've kept that to myself for the past few years, but you guys need to know what the deal is and that's the deal. Thank goddess for the Podcast because I can keep everyone updated on the house hijinks and I don't have to be wincing in pain hunching over a laptop while I do it. I will try to blog as much as I can, but I don't want to hear the bitching if it's not on the regular. 

Big Brother 18 opens with a hiss. A snarl if you will. Da'vonne sits in the Living Room holding court with Jozea and Zakiyah. She has a constant side eye. A permanent scowl. I don't know what happened to this chick between last season and this one, but she's pretty miserable. She's a jerk on the CBS show and there is nothing pleasant at all watching her act like she has some big score to settle. Day, a little wake up call, you went home SECOND last season. You didn't even come close to winning. So calm down with the bad attitude and stop acting like you're Inigo Montoya. Nobody killed your father. Slow your roll. 

As we were saying, Day, who has turned into a total jerk, is complaining about how live feeders harassed her for leaving her child last season to go into the Big Brother house. Apparently, they would send her tweets calling her a horrible mother. You guys, don't do that! Who the hell do you think you are? It is not for you to judge whether or not someone is a good mother. We can dissect Day for everything she does in the house, but harassing her online makes you a horrible person. The scene in the Living Room ends with Day announcing, “I’m so glad I got that out before these damn feeds turned on!” Uh yeah, so the HG's literally have no idea that they've been live for about 30 minutes. They know the feeds will turn on at any moment, but they don't know when. They are under the assumption that an announcement will be made. 

In the Kitchen, the mood is merry with some of the HG's making peanut butter cookies while Bridgette is inexplicably dressed in a nude bikini with pieces of cardboard stuck to her “parts.” Watching her scrub a counter in this costume is a little bit like that Seinfeld episode where the naked girl tried to open the pickle jar. Everyone is chatting and getting along. It's a little disturbing. In one of the Bedrooms we see Stinky Frank and he too is in some weird loin cloth/cardboard get up. We'll later see Skeletons (Michelle) and Cody (Paulie) in the same outfits so I guess this is what the Mystery-land or -ville or  -hamlet or whatever from the Rocket Competition turned out to be. Unfortunately for us, we now have to watch a bunch of pasty freaks walking around with no clothes on. Lovely.

As it turns out, the Have-Nots are finally able to eat tonight which explains all the cooking and happiness going on in the Kitchen. Paul is positively starving and Jozea can't wait to get his hands on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Remember, he's a vegan.

Then things get interesting. In the bedroom where Stinky Frank is lying in bed we see Cody and Zakiyah sitting in the corner stroking each other’s arms! Could it be? Is this our first showmance? These are so not the people I imagined. I thought perhaps Victor, or Natalie, or Corey, but no! It's Cody and Zakiyah. As a Zakiyah fan, I'm not too thrilled about this development because of the whole, "Cody is a total pussy and really boring" thing. Let's definitely keep our eyes on this and pray that Zak - that's easier to type than Zakiyah -makes a clean getaway. 

With his hand stroking and teasing Zakiyah's hand, Cody wonders if they are allowed to talk about what happened in the week they've been in the house. Day smacks her lips and clicks her tongue all proud of herself, "I got all my stories out before the feeds turned on because I ain't gonna talk about some stuff no more." Well aren't you a charming daffodil. Please, let us all bask in the glow of your radiant sunshine.

A little later we find Skeletons lying in bed with James. Zak, Day and Tiffany are in the room as well. Skeletons says that she thinks the feeds are already on. Day is pissed, “Why didn’t they tell us?!” James isn’t so sure they're on. He says the cameras usually go crazy if the feeds are on. Skeletons, then, out of nowhere, says that Jozea is lucky his 4th Of July comment wasn’t aired. Apparently some people were talking about the 4th of July and James said, “A lot of Americans died for our freedom.” Jozea then said, “No one asked them to!" *giggles and snorts* Oh Jozea. You blessing in tiny pants. That's the spirit! You just do you buddy. Let it all hang out. Offend EVERYONE. You will get no judgment from me, pumpkin. In the midst of all this, we can still here Day bitching and moaning about how she hopes the feeds aren't on yet. 

Let's get away from the misery of Day and move on to something more joyful. You guys are going to like this. It turns out that Zak and Tiffany do amazing Bronte impressions! Zak is especially good and it definitely needs to be seen. From what I can gather Bronte, Natalie, and Bridgette have a girl's alliance. Doesn't that sound just awful? Those three together. Thinking. And talking. It's horrifying! While most of the house knows they are a trio, it is up for debate as to which one is  the leader: Bronte or Natalie. I have a feeling they both think they are each the leader. 

This brings us to the big news of the night. There is a meeting planned for 2am amongst most of the new HG's. It sounds like it is all Jozea's doing. However, one sad pony isn't happy about it at all. Nicole sits in the Safari Room crying - CRYING - because she wasn't invited to the meeting. She says about Jozea, "What did I ever do to him?" Umm seriously? Bitch, you put him on the block! You put him up for eviction! What did you ever do to him? You did the worst thing someone can do to another Big Brother Houseguest! Is she for real? Anyhow, all of this is for naught because Jozea got tired and went to bed instead of having his meeting.

But let's backtrack a bit and stay on Jozea. Once again the discussion turns to what he said about the 4th of July. Why this is even a thing is beyond me, but this is Big Brother so of course it's a huge drama. Day's response to it is that any career Jozea hoped to have after his Big Brother life is gone now. Bitch please. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. He's a make-up artist. He'll be just fine. To summarize what's going on, Jozea's problem with the 4th of July - which is actually totally inaccurate - is because the Americans stole their land from the Indians. I know. I know. There are so many things wrong with that statement. First off, the 4th of July celebrates the Thirteen Colonies rejecting British rule, gaining their independence, and forming the United States. We gained our Independence from Britain, not the "Indians." This brings us to my second point. Indians are from India. Native Americans are the ones we stole from in a totally different way that has nothing to do with the 4th of July.

Day has a huge problem with this basically because it came from Jozea and she can't stand him. Paul has a problem with it because he says it's like stomping on the flag and he hates people who stomp on the flag. He says if Jozea was in North Korea or Russia, he'd have a bullet in his head. Skeletons has a problem with it because it's historically inaccurate. Plus, I think she's being sneaky by even bringing it up in the first place in order to start drama. James has a problem with it because "'Mericans fought for this here country." He mentioned to Jozea how there are Americans in Afghanistan right now fighting for us. To that, Jozea said something along the lines of, "So what?!" Look, if I was in the house I'd probably hate Jozea too - not for his silly ignorance - but because he is definitely acting like he's better than everyone. But as a viewer... I love him! He promised he'd make this a crazy season and so far he's got a good start. The problem is that he might not make it past this first week, but he's WAY too arrogant to recognize that that is even a possibility. He won't be in there long, but I do hope he sticks around for a couple weeks at least. The big question now, of course, is whether or not CBS will air it on the network show. We'll have to wait and see. 

Sticking with Jozea some more, at one point we find Jozea and Corey sitting on the Living Room sofa. Jozea is joking around about being fucked by a giant or something. I honestly have no idea what he was saying, but here's the best part. Corey is sitting across from Jozea gazing at him with loving eyes. He acts along with whatever pantomime Jozea is playing at. Corey then says, to no one in particular, "He's talking dirty!" And then he bursts into a fit of giggles. Why is this important? Well, a couple minutes later, to Corey's complete horror, the HG's have the distinct feeling that the Live Feeds have been on for some time. The color immediately drains from Corey's face. His heart begins to pound and he starts to feel faint. Why, you ask? Corey says, "Mom, Dad, I'm not gay I swear!" Corey is petrified that now we all think he's gay because he was sitting and joking with Jozea. Corey, that's not why we think you're gay. We think you're gay - not that there's anything wrong with that - because you got all lovey dovey on the network show talking about Cody. All the other guys were focused on the girls and you had hearts in your eyes for Cody. Plus, there's that rumor going around that you like to use a homophobic slur which is always my first hint that someone is a closet homosexual and hates themselves for it - like the Orlando shooter guy!

Now that the HG's know the Live Feeds are on, they are all acting ridiculous. Everyone is giving shout out's, they're jumping about like monkeys, and Jozea is giving a speech about how we all need to watch him because he's the best. He literally starts staring a camera down and begins to do model poses. He looks away. Looks back! Looks down. Looks up! He's making sure the camera is on him and then... pose! He's crouching like a tiger and leaping like a dragon. And then we have Victor in the Kitchen. He says to one of the cameras, "This is me. In all my beauty."
And there you have it. I definitely have some catching up to do because I think there are some more alliances I haven't yet been made aware of. It's all good though because I'll be watching the Live Feeds today on my Roku (If you still need one, click on the Amazon links on the right hand side of this page. It is the best, most luxurious way to watch the Live Feeds.). I actually just bought myself a 2nd Roku for my bedroom. 

And if you still haven't gotten the Live Feeds, this is your personal engraved invitation. Go sign up! You get a week free!

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Big Brother Gossip Show Premiere Episode!

Last night saw the premiere of the record breaking 3 hour long Big Brother Gossip Show! Scott, Mike, and Myself had a great time discussing the new Big Brother 18 house, possible twists, and those unsuspecting new Houseguests. We analyzed them all one by one with clips, speculations, and predictions. It was a rip roaring good time that you should definitely hear before the premiere of Big Brother 18 this week.

You can download or stream the episode on iTunes, Stitcher, or Patreon. Speaking of Patreon, we'll be offering BONUS episodes this year exclusively to qualified Patrons. We'll be discussing everything from our favorite Bravo shows, other reality shows, and any early week Big Brother happenings that might not make our usual Saturday episodes. Sign up now HERE so you don't miss these exclusive rewards!

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Tiffany: Literally Literal

Last one! This here is 32 year old High School Teacher Tiffany Rousso. If that last name rings a bell, I have two words for you: Medication Time! Yup, this is Vanessa's sister. Glancing over Tiffany's profile I notice that she is incredibly succinct. She's quick to the point. Three words to describe herself: passionate, smart, and sincere. Hobbies: playing basketball, wakeboarding, paddle boarding, painting, singing, and playing guitar. Life's motto: "Live with urgency!" Boom. Done. She is not like her sister at all. Had Vanessa filled out the same questionnaire, it would have to be downloaded in the form of an e-book, published in 16 parts, and littered with footnotes. Perhaps Tiffany won't have to see Nurse Ratched every morning like her sister did. Perhaps Tiffany doesn't have two entirely different personalities (pre-med and post-med). Perhaps Tiffany won't drive us all batshit crazy. Perhaps.

Right out of the gate we notice that Tiffany is calm. She does sound a bit like her sister and her mouth and neck have distinct Rousso traits, but she seems lovely. Jerf, on the other hand, is a giant tool. He asks Tiffany what her favorite Big Brother seasons are and she replies, "10,12, and 13." Jerf is all, "But I'm fishing for something!" Tiffany replies, "Well, it's hard to pinpoint one favorite season. They are so many different characters that stand out." Jerf thinks she's trying to compliment him for some reason so he thanks her by slapping her with his index card. Finally, he switches tactics, "Who do you KNOW in Big Brother?" What happens next is interesting. Tiffany immediately becomes visibly uncomfortable. Jerf reassures her that no other Houseguests will see this interview.

After a pause, Tiffany is either playing dumb or is genuinely confused. She asks Jerf, "You want to know who I know? Like who I've met?" What game is she playing here? WE CAN SEE YOUR LAST NAME. Finally, she says that she's met a lot of people from last season because her sister is Vanessa Rousso. Jesus Christ, that was weird. I still can't figure out if she's slow and moronic or trying to be covert.

Now that she has admitted that she is related to Vanessa, we need to know how she plans on dealing with that information. She says she's not going to come out and say it, but if someone confronts her about it, she won't lie. Jerf, however, thinks that the Houseguests might be able to suss Tiffany out because she and Vanessa have similar man-yer-isms. Manyerisms. *sigh*

When it comes to playing the game, Tiffany hopes to be far less emotional than her whack job sister. While Vanessa was indeed emotional, Tiffany thinks that she played one of the best games ever in Big Brother history. We all have our issues with Vanessa's game play and her personality, but I won't disagree with that statement. Vanessa was indeed a master manipulator. We may not have liked her crying, hissy fits, lies, and psycho babble, but the bitch got shit done when she needed to and she was an integral part as to why last season was so fucking fantastic. No one wants a nice normal sane person in the house. What fun is there in that?!

Tiffany acknowledges that she is incredibly competitive so throwing competitions could be difficult for her - even if it is in her best interest to do so. She hopes to lay low for the first few weeks (Boo!) and not win too much - especially the first HOH.

This next part may seem innocuous, but I think it explains a lot about Miss Tiffany. Jerf asks her what her greatest life accomplishments are. Tiffany says that last year she started a new SAT Prep business. Jerf says, "I took that!" Obviously, he's talking about SAT Prep in general. I mean, we all took the Princeton Review. That's what he's talking about. But Tiffany thinks he's referring to her specific class - the class that she teaches - the business she just started. Only when Jerf explains to her that he took an SAT Prep class when he was in high school does she realize what he's talking about. Why do I point this out? Well, remember earlier when Jerf was asking her who she knows in Big Brother and Tiffany was like, "You want to know who I've met?" I think she has a hard time understanding jokes, sarcasm, innuendo, etc. She's incredibly literal. I don't think she's on the "spectrum," but she does that thing that autistic kids do - where they take everything at face value. In Tiffany's case, I think she either doesn't have much of a sense of humor or isn't very bright. Since she's a teacher and now has an educational business, let's hope for everyone's sake that it's not the latter.

Just as I was ready to wrap up this post, Jerf asks Tiffany if she wins the $500,000, will she dangle it over her sister. Tiffany asks him, "What do you mean dangle?"

Friday, June 17, 2016

Glenn: A Bronx Tale

This is 50 year old Glenn Garcia from the Bronx, New York. I'm sorry, but what the hell is this guy doing in the house? I have no problem with casting older Houseguests as long as THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE. Sticking him in a house with a bunch of 20-somethings isn't exactly fair. There needs to be at least a 40-something female to give him someone to relate to. I feel like he's going in with a million strikes against him. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. This is Glenn and he's a former Police Detective turned Dog Groomer. Glenn's hobbies include deep sea fishing, traveling, and playing with his daughter. His motto in life is, "Life every day like it's your last because, one day, it will be."

Glenn is jovial with a great laugh, sweet as can be, and has a killer New Yawk accent. Since one of my favorite documentaries of all time is The Seven Five I have a major soft spot for NY City cops. There's a "thing" a NY City cop that is unique to just them. It's an attitude. It's a swagger. It's that brotherly camaraderie thing that only a few occupations lend itself to. Here's more to love about Glenn - he says he'll do whatever he has to do to win the game. If he has to flirt, he'll flirt - even though he has a fiance back at home.

Glenn says his greatest asset is his versatility. He can blend in easily with all different types of age groups. That's good, but you're only going to have to blend into one and that's "early 20's." For his downfall, Glenn cites his mouth. Apparently Glenn has the tendency to "blow up" if someone gets under his skin. Thank god! There was a teeny tiny part of me that worried he'd be a useless bore like Derrick, but no way! He was a NY City cop. They're a different breed. He's not going to lurk in the corner quietly and think he's smarter than everyone else. He'll be a mover and a shaker. He's from the Bronx - he says this a lot - and being from the Bronx, there's no second place. Second place - even getting $50,000 - is a loser.

While I worry a bit about Glenn's social game and ability to relate to the others, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for him. I think he's going to be fun to watch and, hopefully, he'll stick around long enough to bring us hours of entertainment. Good luck Glenn because you're gonna need it.

Natalie: Single As A Pringle

Next up is 26 year old Event Coordinator Natalie Negrotti from Caracas, Venezuela. Natalie describes herself as altruistic, athletic, and beautiful. Some of her many many many hobbies include painting, cooking, baking, eating, napping, online shopping, doing hair, painting her nails, tanning, dancing, going on dates, playing with puppies, pageants, decorating, having tea, watching puppy videos, bargain shopping, etc. Bitch, we didn't ask for everything you've done over the past year. We just want to get a sense of who you are and "napping" doesn't exactly do that. Jesus Christ! I like making breakfast in the morning then brushing my teeth and working out, checking my mail, replying to emails, putting on mascara, trying to find the right shoes for this outfit... Oh my god, shut up!

I'm almost scared to see what she's like in person, but nonetheless! "I love pink! Pink and glitter are my two favorite colors!" Pipe down chachi. Christ, she's annoying. So Natalie likes Big Brother (aside from the nonglitter walls) and used to watch it with her Aunt. I still feel like she's a recruit, but I think she's watched a little more than the other recruits. Anyhow, Natalie's strategy is to create an all girl allowance. That is not a typo. The unique part of Natalie's game plan is that her all girl allowance won't turn catty or mean. Her all girl alliance will be, and I quote, "a really nice one." Can someone please ram my face into the end of an ice pick?

Natalie is not just single, my friends. She is SUPER single! She declares, "I am single as a Pringle!" I swear to god I'm not making any of this shit up. Well, she's got the mental fortitude of a Pringle, that's for sure. Here's something interesting, Jerf says that he always tries not to say "single, ready to mingle," but now he's going to say "single as a pringle." Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't he been with Jordan for like 7 years? And aren't they married? And expecting a baby? The words "single, ready to mingle" shouldn't have been anywhere in his vocabulary for more than 5 years. Unless...

As for downfalls, Natalie declares that she has no patience. I'm with you on that, sister. She's also girly and energetic which might bug some people. Yup. On the plus side, she says she's physically fit and should do very well in the physical comps which could intimidate others.

Look, she's really annoying and unnecessarily whiny at times, but... but, but, but, a part of me wonders if it's just interview jitters. She's poised and she's very cute and I think maybe there's a part of me that wants her to turn out to be normal and not such a spaz. I get a sense that she's pretty together and probably not so sweet. Only because she said like 10 times that she's really sweet. Mmm nah. If you were really that sweet, you wouldn't keep announcing it to people. I want to stick Natalie on the back burner because I'm getting a vibe that she could be one of the stronger females in the house. I also think, out of anyone, she might be a good showmance candidate. I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Jozea: Must Be My Lucky Star

Next up is 25 year old Los Angeles Make-Up Artist Jozea Flores. Jozea was told to describe himself in three adjectives. Instead, he chose to say he is, "funny, outgoing, creative strategist, and a visual genius." A rule breaker from the get go. I like it! Jozea enjoys going to the gym, hiking, and doing yoga. Three things I love to do. This is getting better and better. For Jozea's life motto he says, "If you can trust the ground you live on and take all the risks in the world there is to take, you should have no problem achieving your goals." Now THAT'S a life motto! Good work Jozea.

Jozea immediately looks us straight in the eye and introduces himself as a "Celebrity Make-Up Artist." He won't give up any celebrity names, but he definitely wants us to know he doesn't work the Clinique counter at Nordstrom's. Jozea has only watched the last few seasons of the show which means he's a recruit, but he's quite taken by the "amazing" (he says "amazing" a lot) opportunity to manipulate one's opponents. Jozea says he has a lot riding on this game so he plans on pulling out all the stops and playing super hard. I like it!

Dimples for days, Jozea is cute. I sense an edge in him. He has absolutely no idea what he's in for, but there's a fierce competitor inside him that gives zero fucks about anyone who gets in his way. Plus, he dresses like 'Lucky Star' Madonna. I say we keep an eye on Jozea. I'm predicting lots of talking behind people's backs, lying, and an unflappable ability to cut people loose when the need arises. Don't let me down Jozea!

Michelle: Collects Her Toenails

Next up is 23 year old Nutritionist Michelle Meyer from Washington Township, Michigan. Michelle likes to cook, read, go on Reddit, WATCH THE LIVE FEEDS, work out, and sell stuff on eBay. Weirdly, her life motto is, "Be underestimated!" The point she's trying to make is that she wants to be smarter and stronger than people expect her to be only I'm not so sure going through life acting like a weak dummy is the best way to do it. I get what she's saying. I'm just not sure it qualifies as a life motto.

First off, she raises the roof. You guys know how much I haaaaate roof raisers. If you are a roof raiser, it is not too late for you. Simply keepsyour hands down by your sides and remove this gesture from your repertoire. The whole world thanks you. Michelle strikes me as young, a little unsure of herself, and really really nerdy. She's a BIG fan of the show and has even watched the International versions which, quite frankly, makes for a not so great Houseguest. The super fans are always too aware, too self conscious, and scared to be themselves. The ideal Houseguest, in my esteemed opinion, is a fan who only watches the CBS show. Those people tend to be cocky, competitive, and blissfully unaware that the Live Feeds capture their every move.

During her interview, Michelle is stunned to discover that she's actually sitting in the real Diary Room. Jerf asks her what she thinks about it all and she launches into a long drawn out thing about the lights and cameras. Even Jerf gets bored so he cuts her off and then she promptly snorts. She's a weird one, this Michelle. Not unlike another Michelle I can recall somewhere in the dark cavernous recesses of my mind. I feel like Michelle has pervy skeletons in her closet and weird fetishes. She's probably a Furry and chats on message boards with men who dress like babies. I just get that vibe from her.

Unfortunately for us, Michelle is a shouter. A screechy voiced Hayden Moss ready to terrorize our days and nights. I LEFT BEHIND MY DOG AND MY SISTER. ALSO THERE'S A CARCASS IN THE BACK OF MY CLOSET. I PLAY WITH IT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M LONELY. She probably sets fire to feel emotion. Maybe her freakiness will offset the fact that she's an uber fan. Keep an eye on this one, I think she'll shock us... with her scab collection.

You need the Live Feeds to see this freak in action!

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Paulie: Band Of Pussy Brothers

Here we go, the big Stunt Cast. This is 27 year old DJ Paulie Calafiore from New Jersey. If something strikes you as familiar about Paulie, it is because he has a brother who threw away $500,000 called Cody. There are two things Paulie loves: martial arts and musical instruments. His favorite martial art is Krav Maga and his favorite musical instrument to play is the guitar. Paulie describes himself as "passionate, driven, and quick-witted" and his life's motto is, "A comfort zone is a comfortable place, but nothing ever grows there."

I was going to compliment Paulie on his not so run of the mill life motto until I discovered that it's actually one of those silly quotes people post on their Instagram accounts. There are literally dozens of variations of the photo above. Oh Paulie.

Then again, I also found this. Oh Paulie! That can't be the same goofy guy in the official Big Brother picture, can it? Ladies and gentlemen, the miracle of Photoshop. Alright, enough picking on the Stunt Cast, let's find out what this Paulie character is about.

Personally, I didn't care for Cody. I found him to be a boring follower and that was way before he made the dumbest decision in Big Brother history and gave away $500,000. Anyhow, here's Paulie. He's very much like his brother in the way that he speaks except he likes to emphasize important talking points quite emphatically with his hands. Nothing wrong with that. I do it too. Obviously, Paulie has a big decision ahead of him - does he tell his fellow HG's that he is Cody's brother or does he keep quiet? Paulie plans on feeling out the environment first BUT he also happens to have the exact same tattoo as his brother and it says "Calafiore." He thinks a big fan in the house would notice it, but I wonder. I've been watching Big Brother for 200 years and I'm not sure I'd honestly make the connection, but who knows. I'm kind of a dumb ass. Now, I know some people HATE Stunt Casting, but I am not one of those people (unless it has something to do with a legitimate famous person and the HG is a negligible relative). I will enjoy wondering if Paulie will reveal his secret or if someone else figures it out before he gets to spill. I loved the whole Twins Twist last year too. It was fun!

When the conversation turns to strategy, Paulie wants to play the exact same social game that Cody played because he thinks Cody had the best social game in Big Brother history. I instantly wanted to poo-poo that and laugh at how moronic it sounded, but when I stop to think about it, he's kind of right. Cody was an untalented, not too bright, douchy follower and, you know what? It got him to the end. Then he gave away a half a million dollars. And just like his brother, Paulie is more comfortable leaving any crucial decision making to another HG who's not such a pussy. I hate that. The cautious game doesn't appeal to me because it's not entertaining and what's my life motto? ENTERTAIN ME.

Overall, he seems nice enough I guess, but Paulie is kind of a bore. He's too willing to play the Pussy Game and I don't mean that in a Leonardo Dicaprio kind of a way. Plus, the guy rambles about literally nothing. He talks in circles and never reaches his destination. It must be in the Calafiore gene pool. I definitely don't want to see the other HG's being awestruck by this guy and following him around like a puppy dog back like we saw in that wretched Coaches season. That was brutal.

Zakiyah: The Early Favorite

Next up is 24 year old Charlotte, North Carolina native Zakiyah Everette. Finally, some glamour! Zakiyah is a preschool teacher who enjoys dancing, eating, cooking, modeling, and any form of designing or creating. Ok, ok, I can work with that. You know me, I'm drawn to the creative types. Buuuut... her life's motto is, "You only live once!" That's as original as, "Everything happens for a reason." By the way, stop saying that. You're not dropping any pearls of wisdom on the people around you. You're not inspiring us with your deep personal philosophies on predestination. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor here. Erase that phrase from your lexicon.

Let's reluctantly see what Jerf can wrangle out of Zakiyah. Immediately, Zakiyah looks straight down the camera and confidently announces her name and occupation. She's assertive, she's poised. I could like this girl! And hold on to your gonads kiddies, Zakiyah has actually been a fan of Big Brother since season 3. She has a lovely disposition, nice energy, and she's genuinely excited to be there - unlike that carpet fiber Corey.

Zakiyah is single and homegirl is ready ta mingle. She announces right out of the gate that she's totally onboard with a showmance. I haven't found any eligible men for her yet, but maybe when I get further down the list? Zakiyah also has no problem using her looks and flirting in order to get what she wants out of the game. Hallelujah! She's genuine yet you can tell she won't take shit from anyone. She's sweet and possibly whip smart as hell. Lying, stealing, and cheating are simply part of the game she agreed to be a part of and she's totally cool with that. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I may have my early favorite.

I have high hopes for Zakiyah. I tend to be drawn toward strong powerful women and Zakiyah is tickling me where I like it. Let's hope she doesn't disappoint!

Corey: The Human Snooze Button

Next up is 25 year old Texas native, Corey Brooks. Corey is a Baseball Coach and lists "getting sick bro pics" as one of his hobbies. Come on! What are you people trying to do to me this morning? Yesterday, everyone was so promising. Today I've got this douche canoe telling me that his life motto is, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get!" Stop that right now! You are a horrible person for writing that down and knowing that it will be made public. Corey clearly doesn't have a creative bone in his body so let's just get this interview over with as quickly as possible.

Corey. Talks. Like. This. He. Is. Like. Wallpaper. Flat. Matte. Wallpaper. With. No. Distinguishing. Patterns. When asked if he is a Big Brother fan, Corey replies, "Uh yeah. I've watched it off and on." Then no, you are not a fan and you are a recruit. Another winner from Robyn Kass, ladies and gentlemen.

Corey is easy on the eyes and, yes, he's single, but he's just so blah. So so blah. I look at him and I think of a drab carpet. Or maybe a doorknob. Plain white rice also comes to mind. When asked what he'll miss about the outside world, Corey says his roommates. Then he goes on to talk about all 25 of them. Like we care! It's like when someone else tells you their dream from last night. You stare at them vacantly and think to yourself, "Shutupshutupshutupshutup."

Corey thinks he'll be a physical threat in the house because he's a physical guy. He's competitive and, you know, physical, so yeah, that might be threatening. Somebody please shoot me in the head. As far as downfalls go, Corey says that he's probably too nice. Gah! There's that awful word again. I am telling you, if anyone ever describes you as "nice," it is code for boring as fuck.

Corey sucks. He is everything that this house does not need. He's awkward in front of the camera, he tells mind numbingly boring stories, and he has zero charisma. I don't know about you, but I'm totally cool with him going home first. So mote it be.