Saturday, July 4, 2015

Salute The Goddamn Flag

Happy Good Times and Noodle Salad Day! In my neck of the woods, it's raining cats and bitches. BUT it is still a National Holiday so I shall treat it as such - with laziness and complacency. Let's phone in this recap, shall we?

When we last left off, both Shelli and Becky were HOH. Shelli had nominated Day and Johnny Mac while Becky nominated Jason and Steve. But, after yesterday's Battle Of The Block we have a new scenario. Jason and Steve won the BOB thus removing themselves from the block and dethroning Becky. That means we are left with Clay Shelli as our HOH and Day and Johnny Mac up for eviction.

Shelli as HOH, to put it mildly, SUCKS. First off, she is myopic and boring. Her target for her reign  is Day and no one can talk her out of it. Even worse is her reasoning. She wants to evict Day because they "haven't made a connection." She's playing Big Brother as if she was on The Bachelor. Day is volatile, a horrible social player, shitty at comps, and will eventually piss everyone off. That's someone you keep in the house because that's someone you can beat. Instead, Shelli simply isn't feeling the passion so now Day has to go.

Being on the block brings out the worst in Day. As much as I like her for her Live Feed drama and her forthrightness, she is literally the WORST social player ever. While fussing around with her belongings in the Have-Not she mumbled to herself and insisted that she was going to be evicted. James and Jeff looked on and tried to offer her words of support, but Day shut them down and snapped at them, "If either of you win POV, you're not using it on me." What the hell? Instead of reprimanding them for something that hasn't happened yet, why not try to work with them and get them on your side? The POV hasn't even taken place and she's snapping at people all pissed off that they won't save her with the POV they haven't yet won. If you keep acting like you're going to lose and go home, then you will lose and go home.

Having received the message from Day loud and clear, the universe responded in kind. Johnny Mac has won the POV. Naturally, he was excited and thrilled about it. Day, not so much.

Shelli, staying on her straight and narrow, still won't waver. She wants Day out to the point that the bitch had the nerve to ask Johnny Mac NOT to use his POV. Johnny Mac wisely told her to kick rocks.

Now Shelli has to figure out who to put up in Johnny Mac's place, but it has to be someone who will at the same time secure Day's demise. She refuses to put up Becky because she feels that since Becky won HOH she should be safe this week. There are a bunch of other people she won't put up for a myriad of dumb ass reasons. I can't remember her reasons for not putting up Meg or Jackie, but, trust me, they were stupid. That much I do know. At one point, Clay even offered to go on the block because he's positive he has the votes to stay. This put Shelli into a panic - "I'm not putting you up! I'm giving you the final rose!" Ugh. Last I saw before I turned off the feeds in disgust, it looked like Liz was going to be the replacement nominee.

Others in the house would prefer that Audrey goes up and then out. And this is where something very interesting happens. On the topic of Audrey, Shelli says, "I'm not going to be the one to send the transgender her home." Political fucking correctness has infected the game. Audrey being transgender has been a total nonissue up until now, up until the moment where she might actually have to be voted out. Now it's an issue. Shelli is fine voting Audrey out under someone else's HOH, but she feels that she'll be seen as a villain if it happens under her reign.

And this brings me to something else. Remember when Kathy Griffin was on the broadcast? Chenbot asked her who she wanted to win and she replied, "Audrey, of course, because she's transgender." Wait, what? That's bullshit. How about replying, "Audrey, because she's a great player." Or, "Audrey, because she's manipulating the entire house." Or even, "Audrey, because she's so entertaining on the feeds." Kathy Griffin wanting Audrey to win because she's transgender is the same as saying you want someone to win because they're straight or they're white or they have brown hair. It was a stupid statement that perpetuates judgment and stereotypes and separation. Giving Audrey special treatment doesn't do her any favors. It does the opposite. It highlights her difference. How about we treat everyone equal? How about that as a novel idea? Equality! Gay, straight, transgender, black, white, whatever - WE ARE ALL EQUAL.

Now everyone stand up and salute the goddamn flag!

What a perfect place to end this here little bloggy blog on today, our Nation's day of Independence. Happy Fourth of July, bitches! Be safe. Don't drink and drive. And, most importantly, do lots of drunken shopping at Amazon via my links at the right hand side of the page. Click on any of my Amazon links to get there and then go nuts. Shop, shop, shop!

This is definitely going to be an interesting week in the house. Missing it would be a crime!

Friday, July 3, 2015


What do you get when you put a girl who lost her face to an oncoming train in power with a girl who doesn't know how to piece two words together? A whole lot of nothing! That's what you get. Houseguests, you've got to give me something to work with. That's my one rule. Entertain me and I will write about you. Bore me and the glitter queen gets a day off filled with frolicking, cavorting and, quite possibly, day drinking. Let's try to recap, shall we?

Alright, so Shelli ("Wait, is that my name? Can you ask me another question instead? I'm drawing a blank") and Becky ("Whoopsie daisy, my nose fell off again.") are our two HOH's. Shelli wants to target Day while Becky would prefer to go after Audrey. Not only are their targets different, but their plans are different as well. Shelli has decided to straight up nominate Johnny Mac and Day. She's hoping that Johnny Mac will throw the BOB which leaves Day on the block and susceptible to eviction. Becky, on the other hand, has decided to nominate Steve and Jason in the hopes of backdooring Audrey and sending her and the roots of her shady tree on out the door. More on that later.

Since Becky has decided to nominate Steve a-gain, she has some 'splaining to do. Firstly though, I need to tell you about The Elephant. Becky has mysteriously decided to refer to Audrey as "The Elephant." Out of all of the animals in the animal kingdom, why an elephant? An elephant is a symbol of loyalty, strength and patience. Did you know that baby elephants stay with their mothers for at least 16 years? They're slow moving, majestic and not necessarily Chatty Cathy Lizzie Borden's like our Evil Queen Audrey. I would think a parrot or maybe an owl would be a wiser choice, don't you? Both are incessant and have a tendency to ask the same questions over and over again just like our Audrey.

Anyhow, poor defenseless Steve is back on the block and he is as flummoxed about it as we are. Becky explains that he was seen in the same room as Audrey and that is as good as guilty as far as this house goes. Steve replies, "I was just, you know, being human and standing in a room. That's all." Becky insists that it wasn't her idea that Steve and Audrey are in some super secret standing in the same room alliance. She says it came from other people. Other people she will not name. But trust, they are out there. All around us. OTHER PEOPLE. Oh stick a sock in it, Becky. Nominate whoever the hell you want, but don't coat it in foam latex and face putty.

As for Shelli, if Day manages to get off the block, then she'd like to target Jason instead. Day and Jason together are bad new bears and need to be split up as soon as possible. Having said that, Shelli is also totally down with getting rid of Audrey. We all know Audrey to be annoying and deceitful, but did you know that she is balls out malicious as well? If you'll recall on 'Tally Me Banana', there was a rumor of an all girl's alliance going around the house. In order to show allegiance to one another (and their dark lord), the girls would dress all in black. Well, Audrey Of The Devil People decided to take that word "black" and turn it into a racist thing. This bitch went around the house suggesting that Becky had formed a pseudo Ku Klux Klan who dresses all in black in order to hide their Confederate Flag underwear.

This is so fucked up - to turn something completely innocuous and innocent (and not to mention untrue) into something most reviled and, moreover, to pin it on someone who has done nothing wrong.

You and I and everyone else knows that the worst thing you can be called on a TV show is "racist." People lose their jobs over such accusations - whether they're true or not. They're cast out of the community, deal with death threats, and pretty much have their lives ruined. But here comes Audrey taking something not even remotely racist and twisting it into an ugly and untrue accusation all in an effort to shift the heat from herself to an innocent person. What surprises me most about this is that it stems from a person who has probably dealt with her fair share of gross and unfounded lies about herself throughout a good part of her life. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for lying in Big Brother. I even support manipulation and deceit within the confines of the game. What I don't appreciate is the blatant malice behind the deed. To purposely malign Becky's character in such a way when you know, and believe me, you know, Audrey, that Becky did NOT form a racist girl's alliance.

And even the way Audrey suggested it was just so slimy. It was a few nights ago when Jace was looking for some help and votes. Audrey slithered her hands up to her neck as she is often wont to do and says, "Well, there is this thing I know about Becky, but..." And then her voice trailed off waiting for whomever she was talking with to ask, "What? What about Becky?" Blech! Ick! Flergle! It was so smarmy. On second thought, a good animal to compare Audrey to would be the simple snail. She leaves behind a trail of goo and hideousness wherever she goes. And when she's threatened or senses that all of her lies and manipulations are about to bounce back in her direction, she cowers in her bed/shell until the predators forget she's around. But she'll return. She'll return to leave her gelatinous pathways in her wake.

So as of right now, Becky is on the warpath to get rid of Audrey while Shelli is off canoodling in a bed somewhere with Clay trying to form sentences. Day and Jason are furious that they are up for nomination and can't believe that Audrey is getting another pass - especially after proving how heinous she is. It looks like, for the most part, Becky is keeping her plan to target Audrey under wraps. She has told Steve and Jason to kick ass and win the BOB. It's a little bit confusing because Shelli is also quite vocal about how sketchy Audrey was spreading that rumor about Becky yet she's still going full throttle on trying to get Day out of the house. The way I see it, both girls want things to go their way and there is a definite divide between them. Shelli and her band of merry idiots are gunning for Day while Becky and whoever else is left is on Mission Audrey.

Personally, I'm not ready to lose either lady yet. I despise Audrey with every fiber of my being but she's a troublemaker and I could do with a few more weeks of that. As far as Day, we definitely can't lose her this soon. I can see her crushing the BOB today, can't you? You know what else I can see? That Kathy Griffin telephone ringing for the 7th time just as Audrey is walking by it. Clown shoe, anyone?

BOB is going to be HUGE today. You definitely don't want to miss the aftermath! At just $5.99, you have zero excuses not to sign up. I predict a glorious weekend of insanity. And, don't forget, if you have any Amazon shopping needs for whatever products strike your fancy, please click to get there through my links on the right. Thanks bitches!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Tally Me Banana

Day-o, Dayyyyyy-o. Daylight come and me want to go home. Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day-o. Daylight come and me want to go home. You can't tally Audrey's banana anymore, but you sure can make her want to go home, Day. Let's recap, shall we?

If you'll remember, yesterday the Evil Queen Audrey got into it with Jace the Jester as members of the court (specifically Merry Meg, Jason and Day) looked on. It turns out that Audrey has been stewing and stewing over how none of her minions came to her defense or threw rotten meat at Jace's head. I mean, that's what any good alliance member would do, right?

In her chambers, Audrey dwelled upon the night before and decided that the best thing to do would be to confront Day and ask her why she didn't pop a cap in Jace's ass last night. In the Have-Not room, Day stares at Audrey all bored-like while Audrey moans about people in the house giving Jace power. Day don't know nothing 'bout that. She's voting his ass home and has told him that to his face.

However, since we're here getting all real and into it, Day would like to know if Audrey has said anything negative about her to other people in the house. Audrey does that thing where she flings her hands wildly and clutches at her nonexistent pearls, "Me? I would never say anything bad about you. We're ride or die!" Day harumphs to herself and replies, "So that's your story? That's wachu gonna tell me. You stickin' to that?" Audrey frantically grasps at those invisible pearls some more and clears her throat, "Yes. I haven't said a thing to anyone. Ever! I'm a simple girl with a dream and last night I was a victim." Day says, "Well, I dunno about that, but my name was being dragged in the mud and my job last night was to stay out of it!"

Audrey then regains her composure and decides she needs to question Day about what's being said around the house. But before Audrey can get one word out, Day shuts her down, "Uh huh, boo. I ain't answering nothin'. I'm just staying out of it." Audrey says, "But who..." Day says, "Bitch, I just done said I ain't telling you shit." (Slight paraphrasing is my artistic right)

Audrey, staring into her crystal ball, looks up and says, "When I get HOH and I'm in a position of power, I don't want that to be why you come and tell me things." Day replies, "Wachu talking about, Willis? I'll tell you whatever I want to tell you whenever I want to tell you. Ya got that, boo?" Audrey mumbles and sighs, "OK."

And then something magical happens. Vanessa enters the room - wiggedy whack hat and all. Sensing the uncomfortableness in the room, Vanessa removes her hat and turns to the two other ladies, "While I have you here, this is a good time to bring this up. I was crying A-GAIN this morning and it's about that rumor." Audrey asks, "What rumor? Which rumor? Who's rumor?" Vanessa replies, "Well, the one you were saying specifically about me and Day and how Day told you I was in an all girl's alliance." Day perks up, "You told her that? Oh hell no!" And then she laughed inappropriately and reached into her boot for her nine.

Audrey then explains how Day came outside and said there was an all girl's alliance because the girls were all wearing black and getting ready to dance around the May Pole. Day says, "You lyin, bitch!" Vanessa says, "And I wasn't even wearing black!"

Day interrupts and addresses Audrey, "Wait, hold up! You just got done telling me that you ain't never said nothin' bad about me and now here's Cry Baby telling me you be talking mad shit about me this whole time. Is that correct? Is that what I'm extrapolating from this here conversation?" Audrey mumbles, "Well, umm, I..." Day laughs to herself and rises to leave the room, but not before delivering one last message. She turns to glance at Audrey over her shoulder, "Game on!"

With Day out of the room, Vanessa stares through her sunglasses and repeats, "I'm just really hurt. I was really hurt. Hurt. Me. Feeling. I could cry again." Oh god, please don't.

Day, having gone through the house fuming, returns to the Have-Not Room. Vanessa meekly walks up to her, "Just tell me, were you lying about the dancing under the May Pole. It's ok if you did." Day replies, "Bitch, I ain't never lied to you about no Satan worshiping women." Day then turns to Audrey, "True or False. I did NOT tell nobody nothing about them girls." Audrey replies... wait for it... "FALSE." Oh snap! Hide yo wife! Hide yo kids! Day reiterates to Vanessa that the only thing she ever said about her was that she didn't know where she stood.

Day is now satisfied. She has caught Audrey in a lie, but Audrey isn't rolling over just yet. She says again, "That's not true. Day told me you were in a girls alliance, Vanessa." Day smiles, "No I did not. That's fine though. I'm not worried. I'm not worried at all." Audrey says smugly, "Well, at least we don't have to pretend to be friends anymore." Wow!

Day then leans in one more time, "So you never told nobody that I said Vanessa was the head of an all girl's alliance?" Audrey replies, "No. Uh uh." Day hops off the dentist chair, "OK let's rally the troops!" Audrey sneers to herself, "Go for it. Whatever."

Day then returns with just about everyone in the house I think. Audrey tries to control the meeting first by saying, "Ok so Day is saying..." Day interrupts her and says, "Nu uh. I'm gonna speak."

Day: "Did she or did she not rally up all of you and tell you guys that Vanessa was at the forefront of this alliance?
Merry Meg: "Huh? What? I don't understand."
Male Voice: "Yeah, she did."
Vanessa starts crying.
Day: "Who gonna check me now, boo?"
Audrey: "Didn't Day sit on the couch and say, "Look at all the Satan girls wearing black."
Jason: "No, YOU said that."
Audrey: "NO I DID NOT!"
Jason: "You were the first person to say that!"
Audrey: "You are pathological. You really are."
Jason: "YOU are pathological! If you notice, you're the only one saying anything different."
Audrey: "Like what?"
Jason: "We're awl corroborating stories and YOU'RE THE LIAR!"
Audrey: "Like what?"
Jason: "Awl the mistrust in this house has been planted by YOU!"

There was screaming and arms flailing. Clay hid under his cowboy hat while James didn't quite know what to do with himself. Jason pulled a top hat and cane out of his pocket and danced an interpretive dance of anger and chaos. It was beautiful. I was moved. Not quite moved to the point of tears as Vanessa has already used up our daily allowance, but nonetheless! The feeds came to life and Audrey is a pariah. It was a beautiful bunch o'ripe banana.

If you need to do any shopping at Amazon today for a Roku or whatever else you need, please click on the links to the right to get there. Thanks bitches!

Don't miss any more of the action!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Once Upon A Time...

In the wee wee hours of the morn, the local house shit stirrer, full of questions and shenanigans, made her way outside to engage in even more mischief making. Her robes cascading over the grass, scepter in hand, the scene begins...

Audrey: "Merry Meg, I think I'm going to go outside and give Jace a piece of my mind."
Meg: "Oh nooo, Queen Audrey, he's going home anyways. Why, why stir the cauldron?"
Audrey: "My bum has been on the burner!"
Meg: "But things will get icky!"
Audrey: "I'm going to do it and you cannot stop me. Come with me, Merry Meg!"
Meg: "Do I have to?"
Audrey: "YES! Sit with me and nod stupidly at everything I say."

The two then head out to the backyard...

Jace: "What's up bro?"
Audrey: "I just want to shit stir some more, do you mind?"
Jace: "Not at all. Bring it!"

Audrey: "I'm tired of taking the heat for everything. The whole house plotted your demise."
Jace: "Nu uh, bro. I think YOU'RE the reason and I'm gonna make everyone know about it."
Audrey: "Everyone knew about Five Alive!"
Jace: "You won't get away with this, Evil Queen!"
Audrey: "Everyone knew you were trying to backdoor Jason!"
Jace: "I was never trying to backdoor Jason. I don't swing that way."
Audrey: "You make everyone feel uncomfortable! That's why you're going home."
Jace: "Quit lying, bro! Quit trying to make me look like the bad guy."
Audrey: "You lack self awareness! We've all wanted you out for 85 days now."

Meanwhile, Jason thinks to himself, "Bitch, keep digging that grave. Dig, dig, dig!"

Jace: "I'm just curious, have I made you bros feel uncomfortable."
Day: "Chiiiiile, uh uh. You two talk. I'm just here gathering intel, boo."

Audrey: "You lack self awareness!"
Jace: "You're a master manipulator!"
Audrey: "Thank you. I mean, no I'm not! I haven't done a thing!"
Jace: "You're a liar liar pants on fire, bro."
Audrey: "You sound crazy!"
Jace: "No, you sound crazy!"
Audrey: "You need to get your head checked!"
Jace: "I know you are, but what am I?"
Audrey: "Huh?"
Jace: "Exactly! You can't save yourself now. You're the next one going home!"
Audrey: "Who's against me? I shall punish them to death with questions and hand gestures."
Jace: "Everyone is, dude!"
Audrey: "Now you're a liar lar pants on fire! I feel bad for you."
Jace: "Get outta here, stupid face. No one wants to talk to you."
Audrey: "You're not the boss of me!"

And everyone in the kingdom lived happily ever after.

The End.

Dudes, don't be left out. Witness the magic for yourselves.