Thursday, December 31, 2009

You're All Officially Invited!

Greetings Bitches! I hope everyone has had a lovely 2009 and is looking forward to a very prosperous 2010.

I'd like to officially invite everyone who enjoys my blogs (Bitchy Big Brother, Bitchy Survivor, and Bitchy Amazing Race) to a NEW Bitchy Network. It's a place for everyone to gossip about all their favorite reality stars and spread vicious rumors. All 3 of my blogs will continue as normal, the Bitchy Network is simply an annex for everyone to chat, catch up on their favorite gossip, and make fun of people.

Have you ever wondered about the Ass Licker post BB11? Well, she got extensions, a divorce, and a boob job. Scandal is surrounding this wannabe minx with her rumors of threesome's, a bitter husband with a penchant for angry tweets, and her new relationship with a BB10 participant. ALL the drama is at the Bitchy Network.

Did you know Lydia got her new BB tattoo? Check out the video and chime in with what you think.

Do you have a reality show that you're particularly passionate about and want a place to talk about it? I'm currently looking for Group Leaders to manage Groups dealing with Biggest Loser, American Idol, Dancing With The Stars, and The Bachelor. We've already got a Bad Girls Club Group and a True Blood Group is on it's way.

With Celebrity Big Brother 7 starting this Sunday, there's no doubt the Forum will be overflowing with new discussions.

I know a lot of my "regulars" have bonded and become close through my blogs/tweets and the Bitchy Network gives you guys the chance to chat with one another, lead discussions, form groups, create your own profiles, etc. It's all about fun. No holds barred. It won't be run like all the other BB Message Boards. You can say what you like and how you like it. Speculations are welcome and hating Jeff and Jordan is allowed... actually, it's kind of encouraged.

Speaking of Jeff and Jordan...

Just in case you haven't heard, Jeff and Jordan will be on the next season of The Amazing Race which goes to say that I'll definitely be covering it over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog.

I hope to see everyone there and have a happy and healthy New Years!

Thursday, September 17, 2009


I absolutely did not expect to be doing a post today, but I'm thrilled to share a new clip with you guys.

Yesterday I mentioned how Ronnie was supposed to give my little blog a shout out on the CBS show for the "Square Root Of All Evil" shirt. I heard from Ronnie yesterday and CBS (those bastards!) had forbid him from saying anything. He told me he was allowed to mention it in the backyard interviews and, I've got to hand it to Ronnie, he kept his word.

You can see the interview in it's entirety on Real Player (where the feeds are) under Hot Clips, but thanks to the super duper awesome Kerry Runner I can sit and watch my mention over and over again for years to come. I put a request out on Facebook (yes, I broke down and joined - Colette Lala) saying that anyone who could cut and embed my clip on youtube for me would be my new best friend. Kerry did it and she totally rocks!

Please to enjoy:

Add me on Facebook bitches.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Basically The Biggest Loser Won

Warning: This is not going to be the least bit polite.

Well wasn't that the biggest load of fuckery you've ever seen last night? Stupidity and ignorance just won a half a million dollars. Congratulations Jordan. You are now officially the dumbest person ever to win Big Brother. What are you going to do with your winnings? Might I suggest you invest in some books and a treadmill? It's just a thought. The only comfort I have that let's me sleep peacefully is knowing that Jordan will discover all of her naked pictures posted all over the internet and be mortified. At least I have that.

Kevin, wherever you are Scarfed One, you should have won. You were the best game player and the most deserving. Likability and strategy all rolled up into one fabulicious pedal pusher wearing mass of awesomeness. I hope wonderful things come your way and that you and your Boyf are one day able to marry legally.

Now I must discuss Ronnie. For those of you who don't know, this blog coined the phrase "Ronnie Is The Square Root Of All Evil". Michelle Talbott told CBS people in a phone interview that I had referred to Ronnie as that and they used it in one of the shows. Ronnie contacted me a couple weeks ago and asked my permission to wear a "Square Root Of All Evil" t-shirt on the show. I told him he could absolutely wear the shirt under one teeny tiny stipulation. If Julie asked him about his shirt he was supposed to work in a shout out to me and my blog. Ronnie agreed and said it would be no problem. Well, he wore the shirt and Julie asked him about it. Did I get my shout out? No, I did not. I was OK with it last night, but today I'm PMS'd so I'm a little ticked off. I'm not sure if Ronnie mentioned me in an exit interview later on last night - that would be ok as well - because I only saw the Dick interviews, but I can't help but feel a little angry. Had Julie not specifically asked about the shirt, I wouldn't care, but she did ask about it and all Ronnie did was laugh. I'll wait until I hear from him to get the whole story before I go off.

My only criticism of last night's show, besides not being mentioned, is that not enough time was spent on the reunion portion. I wanted more drama amongst all the HG's and for people to confront each other and call each other out. Instead we got about 15 minutes of crap we all already knew. I thought the point of the 2 hour finale was to have more of a reunion style format like Survivor's finale. Major fail CBS.

Congratulations to KevinFTW! You are the proud winner of an AUTHENTIC Mr. O'Shaugnessy Mug. Please email me at with your mailing address and I'll put the fabulosity in the mail ASAP.

Speaking of Mr. O'Shaugnessy, he ran away last night. His last tweet was that he was on I95 looking for someone to pick him up. I'm worried about my little guy. My anger has subsided and I'd like him to return home safely now. If you're out there pumpkin, I'm waiting for you. *hides the hot poker in the linen closet*

OK so I stayed up super late last night watching Dick's exit interviews. The stream was horrible and choppy and it was difficult to sit through, but I did it because I suffer for my art. ;) Let me preface this by saying I'm not really a Dick fan. After his season ended, he was such a jack ass in all the press he did that I grew to really dislike him. I thought he was obnoxious and smug and I just wished he'd go away. Last night Dick won me over. He's back into my good graces now and the exit interviews might just explain why.

The stream starts and we can hear Dick telling someone about some stupid tv show he wants to get produced. He tells us that Jen Johnson is there interviewing for MSN and that Diane Henry is there interviewing for CBS2. He referred to this season as "The Season Of The Nonplayer" and said the Final 3 were the worst Final 3 in BB history.

Dick goes on to say that had Ronnie stuck around, he would have been the most diabolical player in BB history and would have been very exciting to watch. This strikes me as hysterical because all I've ever heard from Day 1 from the chat hags was that Dick would tear Ronnie a new one and give him a piece of his mind. Well, chat hags, like everything else you've ever uttered YOU ARE WRONG! They also insisted Dick would hate Lydia, Natalie, and Kevin. You'll see in the interviews just how wrong the chat hags were.

OK let's recap the interviews:

Casey: Super boring and uninteresting. Casey said if he had to do it all over again he'd play up the DJ angle instead of the educator angle. What the hell does that even mean? Idiot.

Russell: Russell completely kissed Dick's ass saying he was his inspiration for wanting to be the villain. He says the wrong person won and how he couldn't believe that being lazy actually got rewarded. Russ says that Natalie played from Day 1 and should have won. Dick agrees with him and jokes that Russ is trying to make an alliance already for the next All Stars. I guess that means that Dick will be back to play again. Russell tells Dick that he was recruited for the show when he was out drunk with his boys one night in a bar.

This whole time during the interview Braden is pacing in the background hoping someone will notice him. LOL

Dick asks Russ about the Chima showmance and Russ says he tried to flirt with all the girls because it's better to have the ladies on his side than against him. Dick says it's especially handy when they're all on their periods to have them on your side. Dick tells Russell his game play was good, but often times appeared to be out of control. Dick tells Russell it's his fault that Jessie was back in the house and that he (and production) would have preferred if Brian had come back. The interview ends with Russell muttering, "The wrong person... the wrong person..." He is of course referring to Jordan.

Braden stands with Dick for a millisecond and then gets booted for Michele. LMAO

Michele: Awkard and stupid. Dick tells her he wanted to cry with her when she was having her meltdowns. Are you fucking kidding me? Those meltdowns were comedy gold. He picks on her for not being able to remember anything and ends the interview telling her she was painful to watch. LMAO Ok now that was funny.

Ronnie: This may surprise you, but Dick is a Ronnie fan. He wanted Ronnie to stay in the game and be the most evil player ever. He told Ronnie he played too hard too fast and lied about silly things that didn't matter. Dick says that Ronnie let his HOH go to his head and that was his downfall. He says it was Jeff's downfall too. Ronnie says the high point of the entire game was when he got to enter the house first. He's such an uber fan that that meant the most to him. He mentions how when he got home he had 800 emails saying he was robbed and should have lasted longer. Ronnie says the most difficult part of the game was seeing the photo of his wife and cat. He wasn't prepared for the emotion he would feel and it hurt his game play. Dick agrees with Ronnie and says the photos in his HOH fucked with his head too.

Laura: Her teeth have totally grown. Laura makes no sense in her interview. She says her biggest mistake was not winning the first HOH and then she says winning the first HOH is a silly move. I have no idea what the hell she's talking about and I begin to get a craving for oats just watching her.

Dick reveals he took Krazy James to Amsterdam and they had a wild time.

Braden: He finally gets his wish and gets some air time. The stream is super choppy and hard to follow. Braden actually says he was happy he got evicted when he did because he was able to be with his mom on her birthday. Dick just kind of gives him a look that says, "Are you fucking serious?" Braden says he's been surfing everyday and traveling the world. Uhhh no he hasn't. He hasn't traveled the world. He's been in his friend's basement posting stupid videos on youtube. I've seen them. He tells Dick he's producing a photo shoot in Las Vegas and need 5 supermodels. Dick counters telling him that the owner of the Bunny Ranch invited him to his birthday party. Names begin dropping like flies.

Dick reveals he hasn't spoken to Daniele since December. He says, "She's a tough one."

Lydia: Thank god for Lydia. Lydia says Kevin should have won and the only reason the other 2 made it to the final was because hell froze over. Lydia had told everyone to get Jordan out earlier in the game. She feared that Jordan would skate to the end and that's exactly what she did. Dick tells Lydia he loves her attitude and he tries to get dirt on Jessie. Dick then says what I've been saying all along. Relationships accelerate in the house because you're with the other person ALL THE TIME. 1 week in the house is like 1 month on the outside. Dick tells Lydia he loved it when she went crazy and dumped out all of Michele's beer (I loved it too!) . Dick and Lydia are totally hitting it off and chatting like they're old friends. Dick begins to flirt with her and he tells her he'll tie her to a bedpost when they're in Vegas and find out if she really has her ass tattooed. LMAO Again, the chat hags used to insist that Dick would loathe Lydia and, again, they're 100% wrong.

Dick says he never would have agreed to have been 1 of the 4 who got the chance to come back. He says you have to take care of your house payments, car payments, etc for 3 months and it's too much work to do for a 1 in 4 chance. We also discover that Lydia was recruited for the show.

Jessie: Dick asks Jessie why he didn't try to make a deal with Jeff if he knew Jeff had the Coup D'Etat. Dick tells Jessie he admired how he changed his game play up this time around. Jessie is stunned that Dick is being nice to him and says this wasn't the interview he expected. Apparently, there was some bad blood between these two over come comments made about House Calls. Jessie is seriously shocked that Dick is being compimentary and cool. Dick tells Jessie he's gonig to laugh so hard when he sees the "Widows crying" footage.

Here is something that shocks the hell out of me: Dick says that he thought it was unfair that BB let America have a hand in the Coup D'Etat. He thinks BB simply set up Jessie to fail. I'm inclined to agree. BB had to know Jeff would have won and who he'd get rid of.

Dick mentions to Jessie how he used to throw Dustin's clothes over the wall, but BB yelled at him because they were hitting people's cars. OK here is where my Hypocradar starts beeping. The chat hags were so up in arms over Natalie stealing Michele's gloves saying she should be kicked out for messing with someone's personal property. These are the same women who like Dick and have no problem with what Dick did to Dustin's clothes. What fucking hypocrites! What Dick did is much worse than what Natalie ever did.

Jeff: Dick calls Jeff America's Sweetheart and Jeff immediately gets into loser interview mode. He's talking about his game, but it sounds like he's just reiterating whatever he just said in all of his other interviews. Dick tells Jeff how he never understood why Jessie didn't try to make a deal with him. He also tells Jeff his head got way too big when he was HOH and that was his downfall. Jeff says, "Really?".

Dick then says the funniest thing I heard all night. He tells Jeff that him playing with Jordan was like dragging around a dead body. LMAO Jeff says he got so frustrated with Jordan and had a lot of trouble trying to get through to her.

We overhear Jordan in a interview saying she has to get back to work. Dick turns to Jeff and says, "Is she drunk? Does she not know her whole life is about to change?" Dick tells Jeff that Jordan has no idea what's in store for her.

There is some small off camera interaction with Jen Johnson and we find out that her and Nick broke up about a week into the current season. Dick and Jen are civil to each other and everyone viewing was shocked.

Dick tells Jeff that Natalie's experience outside the house will be completely different from his and Jordan's. Dick then begins talking about his own fame and he won't let Jeff get a word in edgewise which is actually fine with me at this point.

Kevin: Kevin reveals that everyone in the jury just told him that he would have won no matter who he took to the end with him. Grrrrrr! Why didn't he win that Part 3? Dammit! Dick tells Kevin that his lie (the LML) was one of the best and biggest moves in the game. Dick really likes Kevin and respects his game play. He tells Kevin how Jeff said the house was his when he was HOH and Kevin says, "Oh no he di'in't!" Dick tells Kevin that his lie was as big and as huge as the Coup D'Etat. You can tell Dick really respects Kevin and I feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Jordan: She's wearing some stupid tie sweater thing and she looks ENORMOUS when she stands sideways. I know she's not fat, but that sweater is so bulky and huge that she seriously looked like she could be on the Biggest Loser. Of course I feel all warm and tingly inside knowing that she looks lumpy and wretched. Bitch should not have won. Dick tells Jordan how popular she is and how her and Jeff's showmance is probably the most popular in the history of the show. Jordan looks at him and says, "Reallly?" Jordan says getting rid of Kevin was her best move because she wouldn't have won otherwise. That's right bitch. You most definitely wouldn't have won. Dick tells her she has no idea what's in store for her and she's waddles off to go take some pictures.

Natalie: Dick tells Natalie that he thought she was going to win. Natalie says, "I did too Dick." He says that Jordan had zero game play and that he respected how Natalie played the whole entire time she was in the house. He tells her she has A LOT of haters, but that she should try not to give a shit. Natalie says for every hater there are 2 people that love her. LMAO No Natalie, you are wrong. Everyone hates you.

Dick tells Natalie that lying about her age was a stupid move and that he hated it when Daniele did it too. He says you shouldn't lie about little things that make no difference to the game. Natalie tells him she firmly believes her lie got her to the end. Natalie says she was always running the house even way before she ever got HOH. She says the only reason she cried over Jessie was because she was drinking wine. She actually thinks Jessie didn't vote for her simply because she didn't return his affection.

Natalie tried for 2 years to get on the show. The first time she didn't even get a call back. She says she's loves the attention she's getting and wants it to continue. She'd go back in the house in a heartbeat and wants to talk to Allison about giving her a Big Brother wedding. LMAO That would never happen in a million years because no one would ever tune in.

I have to say that I pretty much agree with everything Dick was saying. I've always respected the game players and loathed the people who did nothing or played moronically. I liked Lydia purely for the entertainment and so did Dick. The wrong person most definitely won and the real players all picked each other off too early in the game.

Overall I really did enjoy this season. It had great drama, scandals, and fights. It's a shame it all had to come to an end with such a lousy winner. I look forward to BB12 where we get to do this all over again. Thank you so much to all of my readers for their continued support over the past 10 weeks. I will continue to post here when there is breaking BB news or cast interviews. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this summer, please click on my donate button and show me some love.

Survivor fans please check out the Bitchy Survivor Blog. All of the cast videos have been posted for your viewing pleasure.

Amazing Race fans please check out the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. Cast videos will be going up over the next week.

Follow me on Twitter for blog updates and all sorts of fabulous commentary: @ColetteLala

You can also follow Mr. O'Shaugnessy on Twitter for all things leprechaun: @Mr_OShaugnessy

Thanks again to everyone who has made this blog part of their daily ritual! You guys have been awesome this summer and I've enjoyed every day of it.
BIG BIG BIG shouts out to Simon over at, BB11_Unleashed, all the baby makers over at that Baby Website, and everyone who's commented here and sent me tweets over the past several weeks. I love hearing what all of you guys have had to say and I really appreciate all of your continued support. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Kisses and margaritas for everyone!

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Will My Leprechaun Live To See Tomorrow?

Yesterday, the last full day in the house, was filled with some minor excitement and some major disappointment. It's no secret that all I want is for Kevin to win. I don't really care who wins second place. I just want Kevin to win first place. I don't think he was a floater at all. He laid low when it was smart to and he played fierce when his life depended on it. He's been funny, sneaky, manipulating, and smart. Throughout it all he's always played strategic, never letting the personal get in his way. He's likable and he's a good game player. This is something none of the other finalists have. Jordan is simply likable and Natalie is simply a good schemer. Kevin embodies it all. I will be ecstatic if he wins Big Brother 11.

In the house yesterday all was relatively calm until a banner flew over the house. The feeds went down, the rumor mill began churning, and HG's started lying. I didn't see the banner. I don't know what it said. I don't even know if it had anything to do with BB. Secretly, I hoped it said, "Kevin you can beat Natalie in the final!" Kevin says he saw the words "Natalie" and "trust". Natalie says she saw the words "Kevin" and "liar". Jordan was off somewhere eating a tub of Crisco.

Kevin and Ragamuffin have a little spat over who he'd take to the Final 2. Ragamuffin tells Kevin he's dead if he doesn't take her. Kevin says a real friend wouldn't threaten him. Ragamuffin says a real friend wouldn't betray her. Ragamuffin is convinced that if she gets evicted tomorrow night, she'll have time to convince all the jurors that Kevin is the devil. She's fucking delusional. She'll get evicted, have a commercial break to sit down, and then they'll tell her to shut up. She'll try to make Kevin look bad if she gets a chance to ask him a question, but she won't be able to do shit or convince anyone of anything.

A little later Ragamuffin begins cooking up some crazy concoction that was some kind of pasta with dressing. Kevin was scared to eat it and I don't think Jordan touched it. They talk a little pop culture and Kevin tells Jordan she's like the Jessica Simpson of the house. She's blonde, sweet, southern, and pretty (you know he almost said stupid too). He says Jeff was her Nick Lachey and Jordan just laughs. Kevin guarantees her that she probably got a really cute edit and that America will love her. Who the hell does he think he is? Sylvia Browne? They talked a little about the jury and Jordan is convinced she has no way of winning. If Jordan was smart, she'd throw Part 3 today. That way Kevin would take her to the end and she'd get Natalie's vote.

OK here's what I want to happen: I want Jordan to win Part 3 and I want her to take Kevin. This is the only chance I can see of Kevin winning. He'll have Natalie's vote and most of jury save Jeff and Michele. If it comes down America's vote, Jordan will win the whole damn thing and I'll have to curse the country.

After "dinner", Jordan and Kevin go to lie down and hopefully sleep, but Ragamuffin marches in, plops her ass down, and begins to loudly play solitaire. It's futile for Kevin and Jordan to try to sleep so they wake up and Jordan begins to paint Natalie's toes.

Jordan also begins to paint Natalie's nails and, I must say, Jordan looks right at home. The HG's begin to plan what they'll wear tonight and Ragamuffin is just obnoxious and rude to Kevin telling him he'll look all busted if he wears his yellow plaid shirt. She wants him to wear one of his new outfits, but Kevin claims it makes him look too straight.

Eventually, they all move outside and the Final 2 talk begins. Jordan is, maybe for the first time, keeping me guessing. She tells Ragamuffin she's taking her to the Final 2 and says she already knows what she'll say when she evicts Kevin. Not 5 minutes after, Jordan tells Kevin she's taking him to Final 2 because she doesn't think she can win against Natalie. Kevin said his mind was made up during Pandora's Box and he's definitely taking Jordan. Unfortunately, I believe him. He has beeen practicing speeches against Jordan and he's had about enough of the Ragamuffin at this point. I'm really really nervous about a Kevin/Jordan Final 2. Would Michele really vote for Jordan to win? Would she not vote strategy at all? It would kind of shock me if someone like her voted out of spite. Jeff, Natalie, and Lydia will vote entirely personal and I expect that. Michele is a wild card in my mind. For someone who claims to be so smart, would she really ignore strategy in the final hour?

I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that Jordan will win Big Brother 11. I've already told Mr. O'Shaugnessy it might be better if he watched the show from his cubby hole tonight rather than from my lap. There's no telling what I'll do if Jordan wins. My collectible figurines are wrapped in bubble wrap and my china cabinet has been moved outside. Jordan winning is a joke... a big fat roley poley fucking joke. *warms up hot poker*

Jordan will win the whole damn thing and Jeff will win America's Favorite and I'll be forced to strangle some puppies and drink their blood. Do you have any idea how annoying the chat hags and Twitter will be if Jeff and Jordan win this shit tonight? OMG... I need some Xanax. There's nothing worse than menopausal smugness. I think I'll have to wear my black veil tonight and bury all the knives in the backyard. I was going to enjoy a bottle of wine tonight, but now I'm having second thoughts. A drunken Lala is a dangerous Lala. I could disembowel my leprechaun and set the neighbors houses on fire and where would that get me? Prison wouldn't suit me at all. They don't have Bravo or opium in prison I don't think. Seriously, you guys, I'm freaking out.

Before I forget, I need to mention Ross Matthews' interview yesterday with Keesha, Danielle, Boogie, and Janelle. Thanks to BB11_Unleashed for the tip. At the beginning of the interview Ross says that Dick was supposed to be there but he backed out. The look on Janelle's face is priceless. Remember when I speculated that Janelle and Dick had fought prior to last week's show? Well, it looks like my prophetic powers were right on the money. Ross mentions Dick's name and Janelle sneered like you wouldn't believe. It was filmed right after that live show last week and I'm now 100% certain that something went down between them. I should totally start giving psychic readings from now on.

Believe it or not, there is actually a silver lining to what could be a complete travesty tonight. I don't want to talk about it too much or I'll jinx it, but something could happen tonight that will cause me to dance naked to sweet sounds of Michael Bolton on the bagpipes even if Jordan wins. If it doesn't happen I'll have to dissect my leprechaun and send his body parts to various HG's, but let's think positive shall we?

I now open up the discussion to all of my superbly fabulous readers. Do you think Kevin has a shot of winning against Jordan? Who do you think Jordan will take to the Final 2? How do you think Michele will vote in a Jordan/Kevin Final 2?

Tomorrow I will indeed be posting my thoughts about tonight's show. I will also be announcing the winner of the Big Bitchy Contest. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, please feel free to click on my donate button and show me some love. Thank you so much for all of your support all season. It's been a blast and I look forward to doing it all again for BB 12.

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BB11: How We Got Here

Happy Finale Day bitches! It's been 10 weeks in the making and it all comes down to tonight. Personally, I think BB11 has been a great season. I can honestly say I've enjoyed it much more than BB10. The scandal, the drama, the fights, the scheming, the lies, the tears, the sex, the stupidity, the crazy... it all tickled my no-no and made me feel delicious all over. I don't watch BB for the friendships or the tanning. I watch BB to see how far people will go to win some money. The more outrageous and creative the game play, the higher my enjoyment factor. Let's take a look back at some of my most favorite moments.

Favorite Fight:

While "You got got!" and "You're a terrorist!" were definitely noteworthy, I think I have to say my most favorite fight of the season has to be Lydia all aboard the train to Crazy Town. It was also my most controversial post of the season. I praised Lydia for unleashing on Michele and calling her out in front of everyone. Lydia went batshit crazy dumping out Michele's beer, she slurred her words when confronted about being drunk, and she vowed to turn the house upside down if she was kept in the game. Lydia was always such a good time for me. It was poetry when she shouted to Michele, "Bipolar psycho bitch get your straitjacket and your padded room!” That's a quote that dreams are made of. Fairies come out of their hidden shelters and flutter around majestically when such divine insults are thrown. Lydia didn't stop there though, "Fake blue contact wearing ugly motherfucking tranny bitch!" Oh Emm Geee, it's heaven dipped in ice cream is what it is. She ended her divine soliloquoy with ""Fluck you Russhhell! I'm not slerrrrring my worbs!" Good times. Such good times. The house was never the same when Lydia left. Lydia did crazy with style like none other.

What was your favorite fight?

Click here to read the original post: All Aboard The Crazy Train

Favorite Ensemble:

(Image via Hamsterwatch... this was before I got bbreloader and did my own screenshots)

This cast was absolutely delightful in their outfits. We had Lydia's silver space pants, Natalie's apron dress, Laura's red Hookers At The Point dress, Kevin's pedal pushers, Ronnie's dorky shirts, Russell's fedoras, Jeff's Let's Dance t-shirt, Jordan's booty shorts, but my favorite outfit of all time has to be Michele's Canary Yellow Dress. When she wore it magical things happened. I might have to fight for it if she puts it up on eBay. LOL. Totally kidding. That thing probably stinks of ass and B.O..

What was your Favorite Ensemble?

Favorite Jason Bourne Moment:

I remember this day like it was yesterday. I was on my treadmill and I had set up my laptop so I could still watch the feeds while I worked out. Ronnie had been shunned from society and had taken to hiding out in the HOH room. All of a sudden Russell runs up the stairs to have a secret meeting with Ronnie. I leapt off my treadmill, while it was still running mind you, and ran to my computer. Russell making an alliance with Ronnie was indeed shocking, but what followed afterwards had us all giggling. Russ was trapped in the HOH and couldn't find a safe route back downstairs. He got on his belly and hid waiting for his chance to escape. That chance never came and he had to pretend he had fallen asleep while waiting outside the HOH to taunt Ronnie some more.

Click here to read the original post: A Day That Would Make Salvador Dali Jealous

Favorite Breakdown:

Michele takes this one by a landslide. It even beat Jessie's widows I think. Lydia had a few breakdowns as did Ronnie, but none can touch Michele in her yellow dress in the Green Room talking to herself and switching personalities. Actually now that I think about it, I'm thinking the breakdown where Michele kept staring at me might be better.

Favorite Good Time Moment:

(Image via BigBrotherLeak)

There were many all around funny moments in the house. Launch night beauty pageant, Michele talking about loving to lick ass, Lydia and Jessie in their sex forts, Jordan shaving her legs with a garden hose, Lydia painting Jessie's toes while he slept, Natalie drunk and yelling at everyone, the puke fest Graduation Day HOH comp, but one of my favorites was Truth Or Dare. When Natalie dared Kevin to cuddle Jessie while he slept I was in hysterics. She marched right in and put Kevin's arm across Jessie and Jessie awoke all pissy and angry.

What was your Favorite Good Time Moment?

Favorite Screenshot:

It was divine providence that delivered this precious gem. It's 100% untouched by human hands and, yet, it speaks volumes.

Favorite HG Backstory:

Early in the season I began creating backstories for some of the HG's. They were ridiculous little snippets into what I thought their childhoods might have been like. When the game play began to pick up and my updates got longer and longer, I had to cut back on my backstories and focus more on the game. While I enjoyed Jordan's Wilty Pine trailer park stories, I think Michele's Canary Yellow Dress Of Lesbian Love stories were my favorite. Fans of BBUK should note that Debbie is clearly based on Lisa. Here they are in case you missed them:

Part 1:
So much drama. Ugly drama too. Thankfully, Michele in her canary yellow hooker dress was there to brighten my spirits. This off the shoulder ruffled number is Michele's favorite ensemble. She remembers the day she bought it. It was 1996, her first year of college and her first time away from home. Michele and her roommate Debbie had gone shopping at the Salvation Army one day. Debbie was a unique girl... shaved head, combat boots, and a pierced eyebrow. Debbie had told Michele that she was a lesbian and Michele smiled thinking "lesbian" was akin to being "diabetic". She assumed Debbie would just give herself a few shots everyday and her lesbian condition would be kept under control. Little did Michele know...

It was a sweaty day in early September. Michele was still trying to fit in and Debbie made it her personal mission to help Michele out. They scoured the racks at the Salvation Army for hours finding only a striped purple tube top with the bottom all stretched out and a vintage army jacket with sweat stains under the pits. The girls were getting tired and were ready to throw in the towel until Michele spotted it... just a tiny glimpse of bright yellow peeking out from under a ripped feathered silk robe. Michele held the dress up to the light on it's simple wire hanger, the sun already beginning to set outside shot magnificent rays of red and pink illuminating the yellow dress like it was the second coming of Christ.

Debbie gazed upon it's magnificence. The girls looks at one another and smiled. No words needed to be said. They had found what they were looking for...

Part 2:
(This was written on the day when Jordan had called Jessie the "fag of America" and Michele got mad and stomped off.)

Michele remembered a singular moment when she had been out with Debbie's gang. They were leaving an extremely friendly female establishment called Ruby Fruit's. Her hair wild from the heat of 300 women dancing cheek to cheek, Michele was giddy on mojitos and tripping over her black patent leather stilettos. Debbie's friends Sally, Babs, Lucky and Tweety had fawned over Michele in her canary yellow dress. She was high on compliments and unfamiliar wandering hands cupping her breasts while swaying to Ani DiFranco's 'Shy'. No one had made her feel as loved and as carefree as the Ruby Fruit gang. Michele had finally found her niche. Her head cloudy and a cheeky grin plastered on her face Michele felt on top of the world. She felt invincible... until some oily rednecks walked by and upon seeing Babs and Tweety, handsome robust women, holding hands shouted "Fag!". Ever since then she's always hated that word.

Part 3:

Michele wasn't sure why, but she had to wear her canary yellow dress last night. Something deep in her bowels (possibly Chima's microwave pizza or possibly not) drew her attention to the pocket of sunshine nestled deep in her BB closet. She'd felt a slight tingling in her loins (where the Fates choose to attack) and remembered something Debbie had said to her on their last night together, "Whenever you need to feel beautiful, whenever you need to feel loved... wear your yellow dress and know that the Ruby Fruit gang is with you always. It's like the righteous babe Ani DiFranco said herself, "Let's not ask whats next, how or why, I am leaving in the morning so let's not be shy"" That last night together Debbie schooled Michele in the ways of female love. Whenever we see Michele wearing her yellow dress from here on out, we know she just wants to be special and relive the magic she felt that last night with Debbie.

Part 4:

It was a lazy Saturday in her University town, the kind of Saturday that screamed "Antiquing!". Debbie's friend Manuel had delighted in showing Michele what precious tchotchkes can be unearthed during a long day of yard sale hopping. Over the past few months she'd managed to collect 4 incomplete sets of Russian dolls, some fine mismatched china, and a handbag made of ostriche feathers, but nothing would rival the gem she managed to pick up today. The little old woman who lived in the huge Victorian on top of the hill was cleaning house. Her parrot Ferdinand had finally passed on and she no longer had use for all of her collectibles. She knew that she'd be joining Ferdinand soon enough in that big bird cage in the sky.

Manuel dragged Debbie and Michele to the old lady's estate sale. Behind the folding bird-themed card table Manuel discovered a rack of clothes. Dress after gorgeous dress lined the rack. Something other than their musty moth ball smell triggered something in Manuel. He'd seen these dresses before! He searched his memory fast and furious trying to remember who had once worn all these masterpieces. He looked at the label on one of the jumpers and read "Property of MGM". Of course! Only the patron saint of gays herself had worn each and every one of these dresses. Mary Richards... this was the ENTIRE collection of dresses worn by Mary Tyler Moore on the Mary Tyler Moore show! As it turns out the little old lady was the wardrobe mistress and she swiped the entire closet when the show went off the air. Manuel smiled his cheeky grin. He knew of the perfect girl to do these get-ups justice. Her turned to Michele and with a single solitary finger beckoned her over...

So what were some of your favorite moments of the season?

Yesterday's recap and predictions for tonight coming shortly. It's a 2 post day today bitches.

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Hell To The No

Soooo much to talk about today and hardly any of it has to do with Big Brother. I can't not comment on the VMA's last night. OK so how wretched is Kanye West? Seriously, his desperation for attention is nauseating. I'm not a Taylor Swift fan by any means. I don't think I can name a single one of her songs, but the poor girl was mortified last night and Kanye was the big bad wolf. What a complete and utter asshole! I've never liked him, never listened to his music, preferred Carlos Mencia's version of Gold digger, and pretty much think South Park had him nailed. Wasn't he supposed to have undergone some big spiritual awakening after his mother died? Apparently, humiliating a teenage girl in front of millions of people isn't a sin in his own personal religion. What's even more annoying is that he's on the premiere episode of Jay Leno's new show tonight. Everyone and their grandmother is going to tune in to see what the douche bag has to say and it'll get HUGE ratings and Kanye will take all the credit. How annoying! As for Beyonce... total class act. Never liked the bitch, but I adore how she spun it last night. Sure it was probably preplanned and not even her idea, but it was generous and gracious and I hearted her for a little bit last night.

Secondly, cracky Whitney Houston is on Oprah today! The little gay man living inside me is doing backflips right now in excitement. It is going to be off the chain... and I swear to god I've never ever ever used the phrase "off the chain" before in my life. She's going to come clean about her addiction to crack, living in pajamas for 7 months, and the intervention her mother organized. It's going to be dipped in dark chocolate, rolled in macademia nuts and redipped again in liquid diamonds. The only thing that can make it even more perfect is if Kathy Griffin tweets during it. Speaking of tweeting, I will most definitely be tweeting my reactions as it airs. I've noticed several of you have signed on to Twitter to follow me and Mr. O'Shaugnessy. I wholeheartedly thank you and have a piece of advice that will make you all want to send me a fruit basket. Do yourselves a favor and download Tweetdeck. It's a program to use with Twitter and it's pure heaven. I get notified immediately whenever any of my friends tweet or mention me. I can also see whenever anyone anywhere in the world says anything about BB11 and it's all laid out for me in little organized windows. I'm obsessed with my Tweetdeck and this afternoon I'll create a new "oprah" window so I can tweet to other Oprah watchers if I'm so inclined. It's a great way to meet new people, get new followers, and stay up to date on everything. Click here to download and enjoy. It's free.

Thirdly, new season of Gossip Girl tonight! MissJavagirl, welcome aboard the GG train. Please tell me you started watching it from the very beginning. Anyone looking for a new show to be obsessed with will benefit greatly from watching Gossip Girl tonight at 9pm on the CW. It's fashionable, scandalous, delicious, hot, evil, wicked and completely addicting. I'm only mad I didn't discover it sooner. It's divinely stylized with an intoxicating soundtrack and clothes that'll make you drool. I think Chuck Bass is my personal hero. Investing in the DVD's is SO worth it. Believe me when I tell you you'll thank me profusely. I've put the DVD's up for sale here on the BBBB over on the right hand side. Click and enjoy!

OK so let's talk some Big Brother... once again the bitches slept all day and when they finally awoke all was not necessarily well. Kevin is sitting in the BY alone talking out loud going over who will vote for him to win. He's going through everyone and he comes to the (incorrect) conclusion that he can't win the $500,000 no matter who's he up against. He says, "Pretty much I have no shot against these 2 girls." He still has no idea who he'd take with him to the Final 2 and I really wish I could telepathically tell him to take the Ragamuffin. Taking Natalie is the only clear cut way I can see the Scarfed One declaring victory. I'm not thrilled with idea of the Ragamuffin walking away with $50,000, but I'd rather that outcome instead of Jordan walking away with $500,000.

Ragamuffin eventually walks outside and Kevin tells her that he has no way of winning the $500,000 no matter what he does. He thinks he can't even win against Natalie because of Jeff. Kevin says, “I feel like I have zero chance of winning against you.” Ragamuffin, completely pissed off that Kevin is even considering taking Jordan, replies, “Well now you’re playing for second place Kevin. If that’s how you feel then all you can do is deal with it now.” She continues, “You’re completely full of it and talking out of your ass... I’m not going to sit here and try to empathize with you cuz you’re talking out of your ass."

Jordan comes outside, sees they're arguing, and immediately turns around and goes back inside. Kevin just sits there while Ragamuffin continues screaming about he's "trippin'" and needs to take a "trippin' pill". Eventually, she calms down and says she wants to go inside to cook. She walks in and not 30 seconds later BB announces an outdoor lockdown. Kevin starts cracking up and Ragamuffin storms outside furious. She's livid she can't cook up some crazy concoction and she starts screaming again. She says, “When I get this mad I end up going to jail cuz I end up doing something really dumb!” LOL Maybe those rumors about her beating up someone were true after all. Kevin just continues to laugh and Jordan comes waddling out. Ragamuffin is now demanding that Kevin plays pool with her and he says. "HTTN!" For those not in the know, that translates to "Hell To The No" - which is a phrase I think cracky Whitney herself coined during Being Bobby Brown.

Jordan wants to know why they're mad and Ragamuffin tells her how Kevin doesn't think he can win against either of them. Kevin and Natalie keep bringing up Dan (BB10). Natalie insists he was hated and still won. Kevin thinks everyone kind of liked him because he was a nice guy. Jordan doesn't say a word and she just sits there looking a little mad. Is she mad that Natalie was out there obviously convincing Kevin to take her to the Final 2 or is she mad that her cookie dough is inside while she was outside? I'm not sure. Ragamuffin breaks the contemplative spell and starts shouting for Kevin to come play with her. Again he says, "HTTN" and just ignores her. All the chat hags got pissy because they wondered why Ragamuffin never asked Jordan to go play. Ragamuffin begins to play pool by herself and bitch seriously won't shut up. She has a total gift for running her mouth nonstop.

Eventually, they're allowed back inside and Ragamuffin immediately begins to torture an innocent fish. She puts all sorts of spices on it and soy sauce and vanilla and god knows what else. Kevin wants nothing to do with it and Ragamuffin gets mad. Jordan, in the meantime, is washing dishes in the sink with her boob completely hanging out of her shirt. Bitch needs to put a damn bra on. I really wish I could be a fly on the wall in her trailer when she discovers how many naked pictures there are out there of her.

As far as last night's show is concerned... I missed the last half, but it appeared to me that Jeff and Jordan got way more coverage than anyone else. That's really not very fair considering America is still voting. Oh and how funny was it that they didn't even cover Seabiscuit and Beaner Boy? You know Laura was bucking and kicking her hooves like crazy wondering how such a smart beautiful girl like herself could be ignored. Blech! Laura you have only Jeff and Jordan to blame. Their footage was much more important than yours apparently. God forbid we go a day without seeing Jeff water some silly plants with his shirt off.

We learned a little something about Kevin last night as well. Apparently, he had Poland Syndrome when he was a child and he has no pectoral muscles or something like that. He had to undergo surgeries for pectoral implants which is why we rarely ever see him with his shirt off. According to Wikipedia, Poland Syndrome is the underdevelopment or absence of pectoral muscles on one side of the body. Does this make his upper body weaker than normal? If it does then I can't blame him for not hanging on longer in the first HOH comp and in the Graduation Day comp. On the same token, it's even more impressive how long he lasted during Part 1 of the final HOH comp. I love him even more now for not revealing this earlier to garner sympathy or use it as an excuse for his physical shortcomings. Kevin for the win!

Late last night, BB must have made another trip to Michael's because the HG's got even more crafts to play with. Kevin made a BB plate and Jordan painted a mug to celebrate Natalie's engagement. Ragamuffin kept barking at Jordan the whole time telling her what colors to use and how to design it and I just had to wonder why Ragamuffin didn't paint a damn cup of her own.

That's about it kids. As to how I'm voting, I've been voting Kevin, Kevin, Natalie. Jordan winning is a travesty to mankind. I don't care how much she needs the money. Again, BB is NOT a goddamn charity. If she needs money so bad, then maybe she shouldn't have shelled out over $6000 for new tits.

Speaking of charity and worthwhile causes, if you've enjoyed what I've done here this season please click on my Donate button and show me some love. I do not get paid to do this at all. I do it simply because I enjoy it. It takes several hours a day to create this ridiculousness and anything anyone can give is greatly appreciated. It costs a fortune to keep Mr. O'Shaugnessy in whiskey and cabbage. I might be forced to start sending him out as my high class leprechaun manwhore.

What did you guys think of last night's recap show? Have you been voting a lot? Are you ready for this season to end already? Will you be selling all of your Kanye CD's today? Have you set your cell phone to remind you about Oprah like I have? Does Chuck Bass inspire you to wear purple? Take it to the comments bitches and discuss!

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Urine In a Snake Carcass

Happy Sunday bitches! 2 days to go and it's all over. Well, not exactly. Even though BB will be over, the fun will still continue here... for a little while at least. I've been sitting on a certain announcement, but I figure now is as good a time as any to reveal it. I have secured an interview with a past HG and I can guarantee that it will be funny, shocking, and interesting all at the same time. I've already spoken to this person on the phone and not only is this person a fan of the blog, but they're very forthcoming and honest. You won't want to miss it. Who knows? Maybe it will lead to some other interviews as well (I'm dying to talk to Lydia - if anyone reading this knows her, tell her I found her to be immensely entertaining and rooted for her since Day 1.). Also, if any of the HG's make videos, pop up in the news, or do something stupid it'll be covered here as well. Keep checking back or follow me on Twitter so you don't miss a thing.

Lots of interesting comments in yesterday's post. Thank you everyone for sharing your 9/11 stories. It was so interesting reading how different generations and various locations reacted to the tragedy. I love hearing from new people who've been reading all along, but have never commented before. It tickles my no-no in much the same way that Mr. O'Shaugnessy is right now. A note to Aslan: I could be standing next to you at Le Grand Appetit or sipping margaritas at Rio Grande and you'd never know. ;)

Once again, not much happened yesterday in the house and I was much too busy getting my KICK ASS NEW PHONE to watch all these bitches sleep all day. Never go to the Verizon store on a Saturday by the way. The store was packed and the guy who was helping me had the softest voice and I had to keep saying, rather obnoxiously, "What?!? What did you say?!?" Funniest part of my experience was that they were playing Man V. Wild in the store. I was waiting for them to transfer all the contacts from my old phone to my new phone so I was sitting down watching the giant TV. Bear Grylles had gutted a snake and filled it with his own urine to drink later. I must have had quite a look on my face because a Verizon lady started pointing at me and laughing hysterically. Bitch. Who wouldn't be horrified by a crazy British man holding a snake carcass over his head emptying out his own urine into his mouth? I almost started gagging. The lady next to me covered her face while her boyfriend turned the other direction. A good time was had by all.

OK so in the house they slept all day again. When they finally woke up and started talking Ragmuffin began to discuss how she wants to get married immediately. Kevin tells her that's silly and that being engaged is the best part. He says if she rushes it people will think she's pregnant. Ragamuffin hints that she wants CBS to pay for her wedding and Jordan chimes in and says, "Yeah! Like Trista and Ryan!" They begin to talk about The Bachelor and Jordan thought the one who was a doctor was "fine". Jordan brings up Melissa Rycroft and how she did Dancing With The Stars after she got dumped last season. She tells the others that she'd love to do DWTS and Kevin tells her to tell someone she wants to do it. He thinks they'd totally let her be on the show. Jordan then says she'd never do it and that she's too embarrassed to dance in front of other people. WTF. Then why did she just say she wants to do DWTS if she has no intention of dancing in front of an audience? I will kick puppies if this bitch wins this show. Seriously, you don't want to see what the tantrum I will throw. I've already begun wrapping my fragile valuables in bubble wrap.

They all remark about how the house is like a ghost town now. Ragamuffin says that she doesn't miss having to do Diary Room sessions. Jordan and Kevin both say that they loved going to the DR and being able to say what's on their mind.

Conversation turns to past HG's and Jordan says how she didn't like Braden or Laura at all in the beginning. She says she liked Kevin because he was funny. She was intimidated by Casey and she thought Natalie would be young and sweet. She thought Chima was funny but had the potential to have a major attitude. Lydia totally stood out to her and she never really noticed Jeff at all. Michele or Ronnie didn't stand out to her either. Jordan tells Kevin she liked him immediately because he was gay. The gay men in her salon are funny so she automatically assumed that Kevin would be funny too. Kevin just laughs and chalks it up to southern ignorance.

It turns out that Jordan has never enjoyed Cup O'Noodles before entering the house. She thinks they're magically delicious and remarks that she'll definitely buy them when she gets back home. Kevin tells her how cheap they are and how college students live off of them. Ragamuffin says, "Yeah... that's what you live on!" Uh oh... the moment passed and no one caught Ragmuffin's little age faux pas. Jordan just keeps on talking about how she thought it was weird how healthy everyone was and how they all took vitamins. Well Mashed Potato Maisy, not everyone thinks cotton candy and marshmallows are food groups. I'm a total vitamin junky btw. I blame my mother and Suzanne Sommers. My mom was reading Suzanne's book about menopause or some shit like that and she freaked me out telling me how many diseases I could get if I don't take my vitamins. Now I order vitamins nonstop from Puritan's Pride and read by the neon light of my pee when the power goes out. Turns out Suzanne Sommers was on to something cuz I feel and look great and my mood has improved. Now I only give 5 people a day the finger instead of 10. Yay vitamins!

Ragamuffin asks Kevin if she can wear her blue hoody. Kevin tells her no and she snarls and growls saying that she doesn't know why she has to ask him whether or not she can wear her own hoody. It's not her hoody and I'm going to be livid if she gets it. Kevin better seriously hide that shit from her when he does his final packing because I would not put it past her to totally steal it.

Then Jordan says something which really pissed me off. She says she wants to go hunting but she doesn't want to eat what she kills. She just wants to go out and shoot things. Bad Jordan! I'm completely against hunting for sport and I'm actually surprised Jordan wants to go out and shoot things just for the sake of shooting. As if I needed another reason to hate her.

They all talk about how they're worried about their jobs when they leave the house... Kevin, especially. When he left his assistant took over his work and now he's worried that she'll have infiltrated her way into his job and completely taken over. By now she's probably gotten the hang of it and she's cheaper to employ so Kevin is a little bit concerned. Ragamuffin says that Blockbuster may not exist anymore so she might not have a job either. Jordan doesn't really care either way. Her job sucked before she went into the house and will still suck when she gets out of the house.

Then they talk about all things pop culture and Kevin confesses to loving New York from I Love New York. He says he can't help but cry from laughing so hard whenever he watches her show. Jordan says BB should have a spin off like VH-1 did with Charm School and Real Chance Of Love. They should compete for money or love or something. Natalie says she'd do it in a heartbeat. She'd even do another season of BB in a heartbeat. Kevin says he'd do another season, but he'd want a year break first. Jordan doesn't know if she'd do another season. The game was a lot harder than she thought and it's been really stressful for her. Kevin chimes in saying he thought it would be a little more relaxing and not constant stress all the time.

Convo turns to game play and they recap the Braden fight. Ragamuffin says she feels bad she said shit about Jordan behind her back, but she didn't really know her at all. Now that she knows her she thinks she's sweet. Bitch please. She's just kissing up to get taken to the Final 2. Kevin says he never really got to know Jordan either until Jeff left. Jordan says "Really?" They say yeah she was always around Jeff and they never got to know who she was as an individual.

Kevin confesses he never thought he'd bond with Lydia. He toally thought he and Chima would be "ghetto sisters". He had seen Chima in casting and took the IQ test at the same time she did. He says she was dressed in head to toe pink and didn't have her weave on. I would pay money to see a picture of that. He says she had a doo rag on her head and looked ghetto fabulous. Once in the house when Lydia told him she was bisexual and began to talk about all things pop culture he knew immediately they'd be besties. Jordan says how one night when she was sleeping Lydia was rubbing her arm. Jordan didn't tell her to stop because it felt so good. LOL Then Jordan confesses to making out with girls in clubs for various contests while drunk. Had Jordan made out with Lydia, I might have liked her some more.

Late last night during BBAD, BB kept focusing on various different design elements around the house especially the bikes and light bulbs in the green room. What was the point of those stupid bikes anyways? Hardly anyone rode them. The camera conitnued to focus on the different recycled bottles, plants, fruit, cameras, couches, everything. I don't know if it was a bored camera operator of if they were trying to give us a hint that the Final HOH component would be about counting. The damn conspiracy theorists have rubbed off on me and now I'm looking for meaning in every little thing.

OK I'm gonna end this here. Remember to keep voting for the BBTop50.

Let's do something different today. How about you guys tell me who you want to win BB11 in the comments. I'm interested to see who you guys are rooting for. Don't worry... if you're rooting for Jordan I'll try not to make fun of you too much.

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Idiots Need Not Apply

Good morning my lovelies! I'm in a good mood today... not sure why. Could it be because I'm going to treat myself to a kick ass new phone today? There's no one I love getting gifts for more than myself. ;) Knowing BB is coming to an end is a bittersweet feeling I need to come to terms with every year. On the one hand, I'm very glad to not have to sit here and watch my computer all the time. On the other hand, I'll have to find a whole new set of people to make fun of now. It takes a few days to adjust back into my normal routine which is why every year after BB I run for the hills. Literally, I get the hell out of Dodge and have some quality "me" time. The trip is all planned. I leave next Friday. Instead of looking forward to my little vacay, I'm actually fretting over when is the best time to post my Survivor Premiere recap over on the Bitchy Survivor Blog. Survivor is only once a week... how will I make sure all you bitches will keep coming back and not forget about me? Oh, but I won't think about that today. "I'll think about that tomorrow." (Tell me where that quote comes from and you're a winner!)

The house is super laid back now as you can imagine and the HG's literally slept all day. BB isn't really even bothering to wake them up anymore. When they do finally get up Kevin asks America to vote for him. Ragamuffin immediately bitches about how they won't be eligible for the "Juror's Prize". Kevin corrects her and tells her that everyone is eligible, but that it doesn't matter because Jeff will win anyways. Ragamuffin says, "You never know." Bitch you have no chance in hell at winning. My money is on Jeff or Jordan to win America's Favorite. Kevin says Jeff never even really played the game and that he should thank Jordan for winning the Coup D'Etat. Kevin thinks the pairing of Jeff and Jordan is what made Jeff so popular. He's not too far off the mark actually. Had Jeff been tight with, let's say, Lydia, America probably would not have voted for Jeff to get the Wizard Power.

Kevin says he's really conscious about everything he says now knowing that America has begun voting for their winner. Ragamuffin thinks people already know who they're voting for and that what happens now makes no difference. Kevin disagrees and cites Keesha as his example. He said how the last episode aired of Keesha was when she was betrayed. She got a good edit and America voted for her. I can't disagree with that. I found Keesha to be insufferable. I couldn't stand that screechy crazy bitch. I never could figure out how in the hell she won America's Favorite.

Kevin makes his way outside and he and Jordan begin talking about what they're supposed to do with their time now. Jordan asks BB if they can go on a field trip. Kevin says even a "ghetto field trip" would be fine. Jordan agrees and says a ride in a car would be sufficient (of course she didn't use the word "sufficient"). They both think a ride in a car around the CBS lot would be very cool.

Not long after, Ragamuffin comes outside. She animalistically chomps her cereal and kills all the fun. Jordan goes inside and Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to recap the game and the plays people made. They keep bringing up Chima and how Ragamuffin thinks she was done wrong. Kevin is saying that is was actually smart that Michele nominated Chima. He says that Michele got suspicious of them all because Jessie's girls were acting like someone died when he left. He says, "Michele was smart. She smelled blood and was like 'Bye Chima'" Ragamuffin gets quiet and refuses to comment.

They talk about how they couldn't believe Michele got the fact/fiction question wrong that said that Lydia and Jessie weren't talking in the jury house. Apparently, Michele thought that comp was geared towards Natalie to win since it was about Natalie's friends. Ragamuffin scoffs and says that's ridiculous. She wasn't friends with Casey and they asked about him. Kevin says, "You know how BB makes you suspicious of everything."

Kevin and Ragamuffin begin to play pool. They talk about their favorite comps and they agree that they both liked the Otev comp. Not long after Ragamuffin tells Kevin he'll be the biggest douchebag to America if he doesn't take her to Final 2. She tells him there's no way he'll win unless he takes her. Kevin doesn't comment and changes the subject to Russell. He says he always thought Russell and Natalie had a secret thing going on. He asks Ragamuffin about her conversations with him and Ragamuffin says she can't remember any conversations with him at all. Kevin is kind of quizzing Ragamuffin about things she's done in the house and it's a quiz she's not doing well at. Kevin says, "So you swear you had nothing with him?" Ragamuffin says, "I swear!" Kevin asks, "Then why did you cry when he left?" Ragamuffin says she started to feel bad about the things she did. Yeah right.

Kevin says he's dying to figure out all the secrets in the game and Ragamuffin says she's doubting everything about Kevin. She begins to give him a guilt trip about how she threw the HOH comp. He tells her he's done way much more for her than Jessie ever did. He brings up Pandora's Box and how Ragamuffin swore on everything she was telling the truth. Kevin thought it was weird that Julie didn't really ask her about it and how Ragamuffin brought up the proposal on her own. He's still suspicious about it all since they didn't bother to make it a huge part of the show on Thursday. He thought for sure Julie would ask specifically about the proposal and she didn't. Ragamuffin tells him Julie didn't even ask her about it in their private interview and she begins to whine again about how Kevin should give her his Japanese hoody. He still says no way.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty low key. At night they got a bunch of games like croquet, dominoes, crafty things, etc. Ragamuffin made them all dinner and Kevin was scared he'd get salmonella from it. Ragamuffin is on this new cooking kick where she wants to try to cook something new every night. Kevin tells her to cook fish tomorrow and then he says he'll make Hamburger Helper for himself. LOL

All 3 remaining HG's begin to discuss 9/11 and where they were when the planes hit. Jordan says that she was in school and someone came into her classroom to tell her teacher what happened (it's like that scene in Mermaids when Winona Ryder's teacher hears about when Kennedy was shot). The teacher told the class and Jordan put her head down on her desk and fell asleep. Yes, go back and reread that sentence. Jordan goes on to say that she didn't even know what the Twin Towers were and thought it wasn't a big deal at all. Kevin is mildly horrified. You can tell by the look on his face. Ragamuffin says she was in elementary school at the time. At least she got that lie correct.

8 years ago Jordan was 14 or 15, right? This is what bugs me. How could a 15 year old not grasp the severity of 9/11? Even little kids knew that something was amiss when that went down. Children are very peceptive when something isn't exactly right. I remember when Reagan was shot and being told to say a prayer for him. I didn't understand what was going on, but I knew it was serious. As far as 9/11 goes, I remember I was at my parents house when it happened. I was actually watching Good Morning America and I saw the 2nd plane hit. When we heard there were more planes unaccounted for and that some might be headed to DC, my mom became very worried for my little brothers and sisters. Their high school was right next to the CIA and she wanted them to come home. ALL the schools in the area let out early and I remember looking out the window and seeing all the roads packed with cars. Everyone was coming home from work and school. The country completely stopped that day. Maybe one of my readers can tell me if it was different in a small town. My experience was that everything paused. Is that just because I'm near Washington DC?

Anyhow, Jordan asks Kevin what happened with the planes and Ragamuffin says there were bombs on the planes. Kevin says, "There weren't no bombs girl! They crashed into buildings!" Ragamuffin refuses to believe it and Kevin goes on to explain how the terrorists took over the cockpit. He tells the two idiots how before 9/11 the cockpit wasn't locked and airport security was completely different than what it is now. He says little kids used to be able to tour the cockpit and go see the pilots.

Jordan then says her boobs feel weird and she asks Kevin to touch them. Ragamuffin says, "Have you ever touched a boob before?" He says no and Jordan says they don't feel right and she wants to get them fixed. Jordan talks about how she loves to watch the food channel and I think to myself she just makes it way too easy. Bitch doesn't cook. Why in the hell is she watching Rachel Ray? Wait. Don't answer that. I know why she's watching. I just lost my head there for a second.

Well, I'm going to end this here because I've got a new phone to go buy and I'm too antsy to ramble anymore.

Oh CBS has posted the application for BB12. Please, if you're an idiot, do not apply! I can't take it anymore. I want some smart crafty players to entertain me next summer not Chrissy Snow from Three's Company. And whoever suggested I go out for BB12 in yesterdays comments, here's what I have to say about that: Hell no! Knowing that there are evil people like me out in the world making fun of the HG's each and every day is not my cup of tea. I'd totally hook up in the house and then I'd be labelled the House Slut and be forced to do Playboy after I got out or some shit like that. I'd have to tour the country judging wet t-shirt contests and, as fun as that sounds, it probably gets old real quick. As flattered as I am that you think I'd make a great HG (I totally agree btw), I think I'll stick to my high maintenance existence and continue to observe from the sidelines. The idea of 10 weeks without internet, TiVo, or my leprechaun is too horrific to imagine.

Quick hello to Cheryl. What the hell took you so long babe?

One more thing, they reset the votes over at the BBTop50 so I need your votes more than ever now. I was ahead by almost 300 votes. WTF! Bitches. Ok so click on the voting button up at the right hand corner of this page and then click "Enter This Site". Thanks everyone!

Gah! One more thing... that shitty site that's totally stealing from me just gave away a mug in some contest... are you fucking shitting me? Why can't they get any ideas of their own?

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Friday, September 11, 2009

I Have Your Life In My Hands

You know how sometimes you're just so conflicted that you have no choice but to sit quietly and not make a single decision? That's where I'm at right now. I'm deep in the bowels of confusion. Do I smoke my opium or drink my bathtub gin? Do I wear the Manolos or settle in with a cozy cashmere pashmina? Do I tickle my leprechaun or beat him violently? Today Show or Good Morning America? Mac or PC? Blake or Leighton? Fringe or rhinestones? Treadmill or full body Swedish massage? Anna Karenina or porn? Vitamins or Percodan? Chasing the dream or chasing the dragon? Kevin or Jordan? Jordan or Natalie? What's a girl to do!

Maybe if I backtrack and reevaluate how I got myself into this predicament I can uncover some answers. Let's begin with the CBS show last night. Loved it! Fucking loved it. I was a little nervous about the past HG's being on that panel, but when they echoed exactly what I've been saying all season long I knew it was a good idea to have them on. Whenever anyone anywhere agrees with me, the world is at peace and fairies get their wings. Boogie, Janelle, Danielle, and Dick all want Kevin to win and they think the Ragamuffin has played a strong game. Janelle was totally lying by the way. Oh and why did she look like a stewardess last night? She's gorgeous, but I hated what she was wearing. I follow her on Twitter and she most definitely wants Jordan to win not Kevin. I think she only said Kevin last night because saying she wants to Jordan to win (for essentially zero game play) would have made her look like an ass.

How wretched did Dick look last night? He's always been a little rough around the edges, but he looked horrible last night. Deep dark circles, craggly crevices, unusually laid back demeanor... he had me confused as a matter of fact. Last night in the chats, I joked that he'd tapped the vein and was riding his own melt, but now I have a new theory. In the past Dick was always all over Janelle. I mean, he couldn't keep his hands off her during those Real Player interviews he did. It was during those interviews where I learned to like Janelle actually. I had never really cared for her in the past, but when I saw how she handled Dick with class and grace I learned to respect her. Anyhow, here's what I'm thinking: Dick was totally pawing on Janelle prior to the live show and, as a result, Janelle verbally and publicly rebuked him humiliating him in front of CBS VIP's. By the time their segment came around, Dick was defeated, rejected, and over it all. Similarly, Janelle was annoyed and uncomfortable. And that's why they were so weird last night. I totally pulled that out of my ass by the way, but it sounds good and it's filled with drama so I'm totally running with it and declaring it a fact.

Another thing I was totally right about was the Jury House. I knew it would be all love and light. I loved how the jurors cheered when Jeff came walking in and then immediately gave him a hug. It was the best of both worlds. And how genius is it that they all hate Natalie? That was a total game changer for me last night. I was truly a little bit shocked by Jessie's disdain for the Ragamuffin. Whatever Lydia has been doing (and you know she's been badmouthing Natalie the whole time) she deserves a fruit basket or something. Maybe I'll send her an Edible Bouquet when she gets out of the house. By the way, those Edible Bouquets are AWESOME. I think I've received 3 so far this year alone. I've also sent a couple to friends. If anyone ever wants to get on my good side, send me an Edible Bouquet with the pineapple pieces half dipped in chocolate and I'm yours. The way to my heart is through fruit... and illegal drugs smuggled from Thailand in the anus of a drunken Irish little person.

OK now let's get to what I'm sure all of you are waiting for: Part 2 of the HOH. Clutch your pearls in shock because I'm going to say it... Jordan kicked ass last night! I've got to hand it to Pork Rind Polly. She was focused, quick, and didn't crumble under the pressure. I have no choice but to completely respect that and give her praise. Ragamuffin, on the other hand, choked choked choked! She couldn't even remember the order of the HOH's let alone get the damn ball in the hole. As soon as Jordan killed it last night I knew what we were all in for... a bitchy, moany, whiney, complaining, excuse-ridden Ragamuffin. If you thought the normal Ragamuffin was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. A scorned Ragamuffin is much worse and far more annoying.

Thankfully, the feeds came back almost immediately after the show ended. While I feared the Ragamuffin's wrath, I also couldn't wait to delight in her misery. Immediately, she started saying that she could have won in 2 seconds and that somehow BB was at fault. When her balls went into the wrong holes she didn't adjust and account for her mistakes (or so she says) and that's what screwed her up. Yeah ok sure. She didn't know the order, she sucked at putting the balls in, and she panicked... that's why she lost and she has no one to blame but herself. Kevin tried to be the peacemaker and asked the girls what the competition was like. Ragamuffin refuses to answer him, but Jordan obliged and told him everything. Kevin asked if the balls were basketballs. Jordan said, "No, volleyballs. Same thing." LOL Since when are vollyballs and basketballs the same thing?

Kevin walks out of the room in search of water and an old fashioned hand fan I'm sure. Jordan tries to make Natalie feel better by telling her that she had one ball wrong too. Ragamuffin snarls and scratches her hind legs. She keeps pouting and Jordan tells her that she's sure her crack showed on live tv during the comp. Kevin eventually wanders back into the room and Ragamuffin let's out a huge sigh. She says, "Now I'm in the position Michele was in... loser." Kevin scoffs and kind of ignores her and Ragamuffin keeps maniacally shuffling her deck of cards. You can tell Kevin is so over it at this point. I'm sure his inner monologue was, "If this bitch keeps this shit up for the next 5 days, I'm gonna cut her."

Jordan gets called to the DR and as soon as she's out of the room, Ragamuffin says, "Jordan killed me. It wasn't even close. It wasn't even close in any way." She immediately starts in on Kevin. She says, "I hope if you win you stick with the plan and take me." Kevin says, "Well this isn't going according to plan." Ragamuffin begins to bitch about how she regrets throwing Part 1, how she totally could have won, how it was her competition to win, blah blah blah. For the record, Kevin would have kicked her ass in that competition regardless. Ragamuffin says what will become her favorite phrase of the night, "My whole life depends on you right now. I don't think Jordan would take me." She then says to Kevin, "I know you have a Final 2 with Jordan." Kevin, not missing a beat, replies, "I know you have one too." Kevin says they should just enjoy the fact that they've both made it to the very end in the house and make the most over the next few days. He says the other option is to be miserable and have diarrhea. Ragmuffin says, "I know, but it all depends on whether or not I can trust you." So basically she just said that if Kevin takes her she'll be happy, but if he doesn't she'll be miserable and will make him miserable too.

Ragamuffin, fighting the urge to scratch her fleas, keeps saying, "If I would have won... If I would have won..." And here is where we discover her real concern. She's nervous now that if she does make it to the Final 2, she's only won one competition and that was due to a tiebreaker. She's incredibly worried that she doesn't even have a case to present to the jury for being deserving of the prize. She says, "What the hell am I going to say to them? I don't even have a case to plead now." She says how she has her speech to whomever wins HOH all planned and Kevin tells her Julie will probably just ask for a quick statement and not even give her time to give a speech. Ha! Even Kevin is getting tired of her rehearsing her speeches all the time. Ragamuffin says, "Well Kevin, my life is in your hands now."

The misery is far from over. Ragamuffin says she has no back up plan now. Kevin tells her her back up plan is Jordan. He says, "You've been working her constantly." Ragamuffin vehemently denies it and Kevin says Ragamuffin has bonded with Jordan and that's what matters most to Jordan. Ragamuffin says, "Well she helped me put a tampon in, but that's not bonding." Kevin says he never talks to Jordan so he hasn't bonded with her at all.

Ragamuffin begins to go over the votes in the Jury House and she doesn't think she can beat Jordan anymore. She says Jordan will definitely have 3 votes: Jeff, Michele, Lydia. She says it'll all come down to America. If that happens I think we know Jordan will win hands down. My biggest fear is that Jordan wins HOH and takes Natalie with her to the Final 2. This is my nightmare. I honestly don't know how the jurors will vote because, depsite the fact that they've said they don't like Natalie, I don't think they even considered the possibility of Jordan going to Final 2. In my heart of hearts, I just don't see Jessie or Russ voting for Jordan to win. Ragamuffin indeed might be right about a tie which means Jordan would win and I just can't live with that.

Ragamuffin continues to fret and she's just about shredded her stupid twist tie ring. She tells Kevin if Jordan evicts her, Kevin will get her vote. If Kevin evicts her, Jordan will get her vote. It's a threat basically. Kevin says he doesn't want to talk strategy anymore because he knows America has begun voting. Personally, I think he just wanted to get away from the Ragamuffin and get her to shut up.

Jordan comes out of the DR and Kevin gets called in. What do you think happens? Yup. Ragamuffin. almost instantaneously, throws Kevin under the bus. She tells Jordan that Kevin said Jordan would be stupid if she didn't take Natalie to the end. Very sneaky you stupid cunt. Ragamuffin then explains to Jordan what Part 3 will be. She describes a "Who said what?" game and tells Jordan it's completely up in the air as to who will win it. Then Ragamuffin utters the phrase that pays, "I hope you win Jordan... My life is your hands. My life is truly in your hands." Oh stuff a sock in it Natalie. Ragamuffin tells Jordan that now Kevin has 5 days to convince Jordan to take him to the end. Jordan swears that she won't let Kevin change her mind and I suddenly remembered something that makes my ass twitch. When Jeff left he told Jordan to stick with Michele and trust her. He also said if Michele leaves, to stick with Natalie and trust her. His idiocy still lingers. Is Jordan going to follow his advice or make her own decisions? You and I know it serves Jordan to take Natalie to the end, but shhhhh I don't want her knowing that. I want Kevin to win this game dammit and I can't have Jordan fucking it all up.

Ragamuffin then warns Jordan that the DR will try to convince her to take Kevin to the end. Then we get fish. She's right you know and I'd be a hypocrite if I said, "who cares?" I didn't like BB meddling before so I don't think they should meddle now. *takes a hit of opium* The feeds come back and Ragamuffin is telling Jordan how Kevin never told either of them who he was keeping this week. She says, "That's what he does. He plays everyone." Jordan, made entirely of cotton candy at this point, says she thought they were going to get to go on a trip because they all packed their bags. She was excited to go somewhere. Yeah... ummm this bitch cannot win. I fear for Mr. O'Shaugnessy's life if Jordan wins Big Brother. She's SO stupid and I just... I can't... I cannot sit here and say it's ok for the trailer park idiot to win the whole kit and kaboodle. Stupidity of that caliber should never be rewarded.

Jordan asks Natalie if Kevin said she was taking her to the end. Natalie says no. Whew! She could have lied there and made Kevin out to be the bad guy, but I don't think it crossed her mind in time. Ragamuffin advises Jordan not to say anything to Kevin and to just ride it out. Jordan tells her that Kevin keeps asking her questions and it makes her think that Natalie and Kevin are talking about what Jordan says. Ragamuffin shrugs it off and says that Kevin does the same thing to her too. Jordan then tells Ragamuffin everything Kevin ever said about taking her to the Final 2. *removes hot poker from the fire place and jabs it right between the eyes*

Here's where my panic sets in. Pasta Primavera Patty is telling Ragamuffin that she has no intention of taking Kevin to the Final 2. I began to weep and I sent Mr. O'Shaugnessy out back to fetch me some thorns and start building my cross. Yes, my dear readers, I'm ready to sacrifice myself at the injustice of Jordan winning this game.

Kevin comes out of the DR and Natalie gets called in. Jordan tells Kevin she doesn't entirely trust him *crying while stirring my bathtub gin with a large wooden oar* She says she's scared that Natalie has so many friends in the jury house. *catches a tear before it falls and looks up like a dog hearing the word "treat"* Jordan then begins to compare everything she's won to everything Kevin has won. They're very close so voting on that point will be 50/50. She compares how many guaranteed votes each one of them has. Jordan has Jeff and Kevin has Lydia. Again, they're equal. Neither of them think they have Jessie's or Russell's vote so that makes them 50/50 too. Jordan concludes saying that'll it'll all be 50/50 and most likely come down to America's vote (she's wrong, but shhh she doesn't know that). Kevin tells her that Natalie would probably get America's vote because she's young and she got engaged and America loves that shit (wrong). Jordan confides that Natalie makes her nervous.

Kevin tells Jordan that he's had his mind made up ever since Pandora's Box. In his mind, Pandora's Box changed everything. When Ragamuffin made up that lie about the reverse Final 2 Kevin knew he couldn't trust her and the fact that she chose to see her boyfriend instead of play in the veto showed him that she really didn't care if he went home. He tells Jordan that it was then that he decided he wanted to take Jordan to the end with him. Kevin tells Jordan that he's not going to torture Ragamuffin this week. He'll simply leave her alone. He reassures her that he's been thinking about taking her to Final 2 for a while now. Jordan tells Kevin that ever since Jeff left she's been thinking about teaming up with him too. *calls to Mr. O'Shaugnessy to drop the thorns and bring me a mimosa* Kevin tells Jordan that he knows Ragamuffin is lying to him by saying she would have taken him to the end. He's not stupid and he knows she's just freaking out right now.

Here's my dilemma: Can Kevin really win against Jordan? Jordan could easily get votes from Jeff, Michele, and the the spiteful Natalie. Jordan will 100% win America's vote. Before I start to injure myself or my leprechaun anymore, let me review what I'd like to see happen. If Jordan wins HOH, I want her to take Kevin. That way Kevin will still get Natalie's vote. That's his best bet at this point. If Kevin wins HOH, I kind of want him to take Natalie only because it's a definite win for him. If Jordan wins and takes Natalie, I'll kill myself and my leprechaun. Having said all that, I still don't know who to root for for Part 3. I hate it when I can't put my voodoo curses on someone to lose. I kind of want Jordan win so Kevin will still get Natalie's vote and I kind of want Kevin to win just so I know he's 100% going to the Final 2. I hate being so conflicted!

I need to tear myself away from my personal turmoil and focus on, what will no doubt become added inner turmoil, the Bitchy franchise. If you're not already, you guys need to be checking the Bitchy Survivor Blog daily. More is going up there everyday and I've updated all the past posts with videos. In addition, the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog will be growing exponentially over the weekend. The cast was announced and I'll be posting my bitchy first impressions and videos over the next few days. A Meet The Cast intro/video was already posted yesterday. Note to the baby makers: You all need to be following Amazing Race too. I must insist on this. :)

For instantaneous updates, follow me on Twitter! As soon as I post, I tweet. @ColetteLala

Don't forget to keep voting for your favorite Big Bitchy Contest Finalist. The stories can be found here and the voting is in the poll at the top of the page. I'm pretty impressed with the voting so far. One admission has already gotten Ronnie's support (I totally think it was the light saber remark that did it) and another is avidly promoting on message boards. That's what I like to see! Everyone whoring themselves and lots of shameless plugs for my blog. Margaritas for everyone!

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