Saturday, July 16, 2011

Pile Of Poop

Girls, girls. Catty, ridiculous, jealous girls. There's an entire legion of petty girls who walk the planet and Rachel Reilly is their Commander In Chief. Narcissistic and average with a heaping tablespoon of insecurity, Rachel roams the Earth looking for more likable, prettier girls to squash with her wrinkly talons. She did it with Kristen and now she's doing it all over again with Cassi. There will always be prettier girls. There will always be more talented girls. Most of them, if not all of them, don't give a shit that Rachel Reilly exists cowering in her corner of self-loathing waiting to strike. They're busy being successful. I think it was Kelly Bensimon who said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." Well, Rachel Reilly stands in a big ole pile of poop and that Kelly Bensimon is one smart lady. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll start this here little bloggy blog with the Have/Have-Not competition. Apparently, it was violent and dangerous as everyone returned looking tore up from the floor up like an Ass Licker on a Friday morning. HG's were examining bruises, clutching their heads and carefully bandaging the burns on their knees. The word on the street is that Rachel puked during the competition and that the players might have been piggy-backed in some way. There was a lot of talk about whether it was better strategy to have the heavier person in the front or in the back. Anyhow, Shelly, Cassi, Dominic and Adam are all Have-Not's. Rachel & Brendon won the competition and, from what I can gather, Brendon may have been able to assign who was a Have-Not. Cassi was unthrilled that even though she and Shelly beat Lawon & Kalia, they were still chosen to be Have-Not's. As for America's Vote, you guys (not me because I never vote for this crap) voted to give the HG's Jellybeans and Jerky. I can't remember what the other choices were, but Jellybeans and Jerky doesn't sound all that bad.

After the washing up was done and the knees were bandaged, it was time for some last minute campaigning before nominations. My favorite conversation had to be between Dominic and Jeff & Jordan. Sitting in the HOH, Dominic lays out every single thought he's ever had in the game up until now. He tells Jeff & Jordan that his real target is Brendon & Rachel and that he knows he's the one everyone is after to get out of the house. Jeff sorts of laughs to himself and says, "You're not the number one target." Instead of being relieved upon hearing this, Dominic is angry and annoyed. He demands to know why he's not the number one target and then cites all the reasons that he should be the number one target. Look, Dominic is an idiot. The way he talks to people and his undeserved arrogance rubs everyone the wrong way and makes him not only untrustworthy, but a little creepy. This kid saw some DVD's of some seasons of Big Brother in his hotel room and now he thinks he has all the answers. He had no idea who Dick was yet he's worked out all the intricacies of Big Brother. Rrrrrrright.

Cassi is called in next and Jordan tells her right off the bat that everyone is throwing her under the bus. Cassi doesn't understand why as all she wants to do is play the game honestly and forego the petty squabbles. Jeff wants to know where Cassi's head is at and she tells them that neither Jeff or Jordan have ever been her targets. Down the line, she'd like to see Brendon and Rachel go because they're intimidating and everyone is scared of them. She doesn't think anyone has the balls to put them on the block. All Cassi wants to do is play the game and not embarrass her family. Jordan and Cassi seem to hit it off and in a roundabout way Jordan lets Cassi know that she is safe for this week.

Jordan gets a feeling in her gut that Dominic isn't someone she wants to keep around for very long so Dominic & Adam have been nominated for eviction. The plan is for Adam to throw the POV and, since the Oldies have the votes, Dominic will be evicted. The effect should be twofold: the Oldies earn Adam's trust and Cassi is left all alone to fend for herself. Daniele is the only Oldie not exactly thrilled with the plan. Like Rachel, she wants Cassi out sooner than later. Not to mention, Daniele has been laying the groundwork with Dominic for a future alliance. Personally, I'm not a Dominic fan and I never have been, but keeping someone so insanely boring and useless like Adam and Kalia in the game drives me up a wall. I'm not happy with the way these evictions are panning out. If Dominic goes this week and Cassi goes next week, then what the hell are we left with?

Save a pimp suit or a glittery kerchief, Lawon has turned out to be a stick in the mud. Kalia can keep telling people that "everything I do or say is calculated", but we all know she's full of hot air. Literally, hot air. Never has a more gaseous girl graced the feeds with her bodily functions. It's depressing. This Golden Key bullshit has completely ruined the game. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was designed for the specific purpose of keeping the Oldies in the game. Whether or not an Oldie is nominated, doesn't matter. One will always be safe and thus last longer in the CBS ratings race. The only way for a season with returning players to be fair and interesting is for the entire cast to be veterans. It levels the playing field and forces scrambling from the word "go". This mixing of old and new is a star killer. I said it with Survivor and I'm saying it again now: bringing in old players prevents the new players from becoming personalities/stars/players in their own right. There is too much preoccupation on the interpersonal dynamic with the veterans and it is a flat out "season killer". Survivor: Redemption Island is a classic example of Oldies ruining a cast of fresh-faced Newbies. No one is allowed to blossom and "asskissing" actually becomes strategy.

I can't help but wonder how much better off we'd be without the Oldies running the game. Of course the Newbies are going to be lesser players and not up to par. They haven't had time to wade through the "figuring out the game" phase. The typical first few weeks are usually fraught with scrambling, deals, alliances, plotting, planning and then as people get to know each other and learn who to trust, savviness flourishes and the smart weed out the weak. I realize this is turning into more of an editorial than a recap, but I'm mad. I'm Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest "Damn mad!"

After nominations, the former HG's sit around and talk about the reactions from the Newbies. Adam seems to be playing his part well as Jordan worries that he's really upset about being on the block. Dominic, on the other hand, seems unphased. He names one of the cameras "Greg" and begins to talk to it about the food competition and how much Adam sucked in it. You see, Dominic, just like Adam, thinks he is safe this week. The only thing he seems worried about is how to play POV this week. Should he throw it so Adam definitely goes home or should he try to win and risk Cassi being put on the block? Cassi tells him to play for himself and not to worry about her.

Up in the HOH, Jordan is explaining her nominations to Daniele. In that flippant "Who cares? I don't care" way of hers, Daniele seems fine with the nominations, but hints that she'd rather get Cassi out instead of Dominic. Jordan doesn't trust Dominic at all, but Daniele has been working on Dominic since Dick left. She tells Jordan that Dominic has no idea what he's doing and is way out of his league whereas Cassi's game is to make everyone believe that she's honest. Jordan genuinely believes that Cassi is honest and we can tell by her wide-eyed surprise that she's dumbfounded with what Daniele is telling her.

Outside, Shelly is in rare form. Up until now, Shelly has been nothing more than the Swiffer Queen playing one hell of a social game, but yesterday we got to see a little bit of Bitch Shelly. She was ripping into Porsche and Rachel with such gusto that even I was impressed. Shelly just can't understand why a guy like Brendon would hook up with a psycho piece of work like Rachel. She finds Rachel nauseating, phony and all around unbearable. The Rachel being jealous of Cassi thing is also not lost on Shelly as she thinks that Porsche is seething with jealousy as well. There's nothing that gets under Shelly's skin like Porsche going around the house telling everyone how she pretty is. Seriously, who does that? I mean, besides Rachel and Porsche. You've got to be a ball of low self esteem to walk into a house full of strangers and announce, "I'm pretty." Like being pretty is going to excuse the wretched human you're about to exhibit yourself to be.

Speaking of Porsche, in a conversation with Dominic in the hammock she lays out exactly just how perfect her life truly is. She's got famous friends, she's living in a loft for $500 a month, she's on Big Brother and there's no doubt in her mind that she'll emerge from the house a superstar. She's oh so blissfully happy. The "psychos", as she calls all the feedsters, will make her famous. Nevermind the fact that she has no talent to speak of, isn't really all that remarkable looking and has a personality that makes people cringe. I have yet to come across a Porsche fan. Do they even exist? Her family and friends don't count. I'm talking about strangers who are only now getting to experience this big breasted ball of ridiculousness. *knocks on screen* Hello? Are you out there? Come out, come out wherever you are. So yeah, Porsche is heinous.

The Rachel/Cassi thing continues to brew and I thought we were going to get a fight last night, but nothing ever really materialized. It'll happen though. I'm just not sure when. You'd think Rachel was Jan Brady with all the exasperated "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" talk she's doing. No joke. The bitch talked about Cassi all day long. She talked about her with Brendon, with Porsche, with Daniele, with Jordan and probably with all of the Koi in the fish tank as well. It's Kristen all over again and you better believe that if Rachel wins HOH, Cassi will be her target.

So, that's it for now. We've got a POV competition today and I'm almost hoping that Shelly & Cassi win and take Dom & Adam off the block. Something needs to happen to stir the pot and it needs to be happen quickly or else we're looking at a summer of Oldies with a smattering of boring Newbies. I'm gathering my hemlock, mugwort and paprika as we speak. This is going to require a complicated spell on my part. If it suddenly starts raining where you are, that's just me fiddling around with some measurements. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Friday, July 15, 2011

The Big Green Red

Some things change and some things stay the same. It's the ferris wheel of life. Either you learn and grow or you remain stagnant and fester. One might think a red headed harlot raked through the coals would keep her ego in check and staple gun her ducklips shut, but noooooo it's just more of the same old same old. With a new faux leader in charge, the game trudges on. It's a little swampy, a little sweaty, a little ooey and a lot gooey. Everyone swung their mallets towards China and now Jordan - squishy vapid Jordan with nothing more than two chocolate chips to rub together in order to create a thought - is our new HOH. I would have preferred it if a Newbie had won - not because I'm rooting for any of them in particular - but because I want the game fresh and exciting. That's all I want out of Big Brother - drama. I don't watch for the stealth whispering and the careful plotting. I watch for the hair pulling and the venom dripping from their tongues. My request is simple - ENTERTAIN ME. Do that and you've got me for life. Let's recap, shall we?

Honda Civic has gotten hersef a Golden Key and now she can sit for the next three weeks and plot her path to fame and fortune. You see, Oldsmobile is here for one reason and one reason only. She wants to parlay her Big Brother experience into a ticket to stardom. If hanging out at half empty convention centers and having your breakfast comped at a Best Western is your idea of "stardom", then hats off to you Suzuki because that's about all you're going to get. So Camry has the Golden Key and now she's quite pleased with herself. In fact, she's so pleased with herself that she's going to go around the house and rub it in everyone's face. Most everyone just rolls their eyes in response and hopes that eventually the lazy valley girl drawl will run out of steam. One lone Houseguest sits unamused though and her name is Cassi. Cassi and Porsche are like Keith and articulation. The two just don't mix. It's that pretty girl thing where one is jealous of the other and no matter how hard to try to ignore each other, the jealousy continue will grow and grow and eventually start eating away at their souls.

The feeds didn't return in time for us to see exactly what went down, but apparently Cassi expressed her annoyance with Audi and Rachel got all bent out of shape about it. If you ever need reminding of exactly how horrible Big Red is, just check in with her a few seconds after her side has won an HOH. All those violent loathsome feelings you had back in BB12 will flood right back in and you'll wonder how you ever could have given her a day pass of sympathy. A good test of someone's authenticity is if they're likable throughout both the bad and the good. Unfortunately, Rachel fails this test with flying colors. When she's down and out and being bossed around by her bohunk boyfriend, she's tolerable because we feel bad for her. But when she's strutting around the house like her shit don't stink because she's safe for another week, she's just as unpleasant as we always knew her to be. Big Red gets pissy with Cassi and makes sure everyone in the house knows about it. Cassi's response is one of pure exhaustion. She's tired of Porsche, she's tired of Rachel, she's tired of all the petty bullshit. All she wants to do is pretend Porsche is dead and get on with her life.

So Rachel blows up at Cassi and Daniele is concerned. She tells Brendon to control his bitch and immediately he gets to work running interference. He pulls Rachel aside and tells her she needs to stop acting like a vile hosebeast and get her act together. She can't parade around the house picking fights like she did last year. It puts her entire alliance at risk and she needs to learn to keep emotion out of the game. Rachel whines and says, "But Cassi was talking shit about my frieeeeend." Brendon is unwavering. Porsche isn't Rachel's "friend". She's an opponent they've only known for about a week. Is Rachel really stupid enough to ruin her game for some chick she's only just met? Apparently, yes. Rachel is just as unwavering as Brendon is. No one talks shit about Rachel's "friends" and gets away with it.

The circular staircase to hell continues, but Rachel refuses to listen to reason. This time Daniele jumps in and tells Rachel to cut it out. Glassy eyed and thin lipped, Rachel nods her head in agreement and then promptly marches back into the kitchen to tell everyone what a bitch Cassi is. Brendon grabs her by the hair, yanks her back out and begins lecture #4,075. Rachel stomps up the stairs to the chess board in an effort to escape. Brendon follows and the argument starts all over again. Rachel is upset that Cassi talks shit about Porsche and "What am I supposed to do? It's driving me crazy," Again, Brendon tells her to ignore it and let it go. And again, Rachel is blind to common sense. Round and round we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.

Meanwhile, Cassi is upset that she let Porsche get to her at all. In the outside world, a girl like Porsche would be of no consequence to Cassi. She could ignore her and go about her own business. But in the Big Brother house she's forced to see that bland wet mop daily and it's making her skin crawl. Patron saint Of The Sycophant People, Shelly, is quick to step in and try to make Cassi feel better. She's tells Cassi how beautiful and smart she is. And then she tweaked her nipples and they start scissoring. No, not really, but that would have been funny, right?

Speaking of Shelly, her Newbie alliance has no idea that she was one of the votes to send Keith home. They've suspected everyone from Lawon to Kalia to Cassi to Adam, but never once has any of them suspected Shelly. I guess Shelly deserves kudos for that, right? I mean, she's got the whole house trusting her and that's not an easy thing to do. It looks like the Swiffer Wet Mop Strategy is a strategy to be taken seriously after all. Effortlessly, Shelly floats back and forth, back and forth, a butch in the breeze. The Oldies love her. The Newbies love her. Could Shelly actually be someone to look out for?

After Rachel and Brendon fight about plastic surgery and Rachel threatens to get her boobs removed. Jeff, I mean Jordan, gets her HOH room. The whole ceremony must not have lasted that long because everyone quickly disperses and the talk of what will happen this week ensues. Daniele and Dominic sit in the hammock where Dominic expresses his concern about this week. He knows he's a target and he's willing to make a deal with the Oldies if it means that he can stick around a little longer. Ideally, Dom would like to work with Cassi and Daniele until the end. Daniele doesn't say yes and she doesn't say no. She does, however, try to work with Dom on a way that he can stay in the game. She asks him if he'd rather go on the block and have Adam go home or have one of his friends go on the block and be forced to vote one of them out instead. Dom says he'd rather stay off the block of course. Daniele doesn't know how much pull she has with the couples upstairs, but you can tell she's laying the groundwork for when she needs to split them up. She'll stay friends with everyone and when she's able to compete again is when we'll see the claws come out.

Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Jeff, I mean Jordan, is going over a plan for her nominations. Rachel is obviously hinting that she wants Cassi out, but Jordan doesn't want to risk losing Shelly as an ally by putting her on the block. Jordan also wants to keep Adam in the game because she feels like he would be weak in competitions. The group then wonders if maybe Daniele can get Dominic on their side, but Jordan thinks it might be better to get Dominic out now so Cassi is left alone with nowhere to go. At the mere mention of Cassi, Rachel's face twists and contorts into one of those masks from Scream. Brendon, not missing a beat, takes another opportunity to lecture Rachel on the finer points of the BB social game. He tells her she needs to make up with Cassi and pretend that everything is ok. Rachel snarls and claws at his face, but Brendon insists that she needs to take one for the team. Even Jordan warns Rachel to watch her attitude because the second the Newbies win, they'll remember how Rachel reacted and come after her. Rachel reluctantly agrees, but I think you and I both know that she has no intention of mending fences with Cassi.

A little later on, Adam comes up to the HOH room and admits to voting to evict Porsche. He appreciates the offer the Oldies have given him, but he's just there to play the game and he feels like keeping Keith around would've taken the target off of himself. Adam goes on to admit that he really doesn't have an alliance anymore. What he thought he had was gone and what he'll do now, he has no idea. Jeff and Jordan quickly get to work on him by saying there is no "old vs. new" and that they'll keep him safe he does what they say and vote how they want him to vote. But, Adam also has to promise not to put them up if he wins HOH next week. Adam tells them that if he gets the Golden Key, he'll do whatever they want for the next few weeks. Jordan assures Adam that they have the votes to keep him in the house, but in the meantime Jeff will be telling Dominic that he is safe. Jeff tells Adam that together Cassi and Dominic are dangerous so it's better to split them up now while they can. Adam agrees and promises to act surprised when nominated.

Adam leaves and Daniele enters. Jeff and Jordan explain the plan to get rid of Dominic, but Daniele isn't so sure. She defends Dominic and thinks he'll be easy to manipulate in the game. It's a thin argument, but she's clearly trying to keep all of her budding alliances together. Jeff & Jordan tell Daniele that if the Dominic plan doesn't work out then Cassi is the back up. They're not too eager to dump Cassi just yet because they want Shelly to still be able to win HOH's in the next couple of weeks. Giving Shelly a Golden Key now would mean that she's not able to compete. Daniele and Jeff continue to tell each other that the understand the other's point, but it's still early. Anything can change from now until next Thursday.

And that's where we're at. We might actually have some potential for fights this week. This Rachel, Cassi, Porsche thing is far from over and if the Newbies ever find out Shelly betrayed them, there could be some problems. Food competition and nominations today. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I leave you with Lawon wearing a glitter kerchief. Kapow!

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Burble Burble

My feeds went a little haywire yesterday and instead of looking at it as something to bitch about, I'm going to wrap it up in a pretty bow and take myself a personal day. I'll be back tomorrow all rested and refreshed while probably only wearing glitter pasties. I don't want to leave you emptyhanded though so here are some photos of what I managed to capture before wonkiness ensued.

Shelly continued her war on grime by creating the first ever BB Swiffer. She wired some baby wipes to a broom and voila!

Cassi awoke on the grumpy side of the bed. Her glassy-eyed stare is full of vile loathing for Chrysler. She's had it up to HERE with Prius.

Cassi pulls Brendon into the Tarot Room where she explains her burning loathing for Saab. She worries that the Oldies are believing the shit she spews. Brendon tells her "Yeah, yeah, yeah" and that Jeep drives him up the wall all the time.

Rachel gets her HOH camera and whines when Cassi isn't feeling up to having her photo taken. And, OBVI, this means we'll getting a Rachel HOH blog sometime today. Heyyyyy! LULZ!! Woot Woot! *plucks out eyeballs and swallows them whole*

Jeff probably still hates gays.

And that's it. It looks like Keith will be going home tonight. My personal hope is that a Newbie (anyone but Shelly or Ford) wins HOH. I think it's about time we see the Oldies squirm and pucker up for some asskissing. Have a good one and I'll be back tomorrow.

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Golden Boy No More

So I was down at the homophobic rant store yesterday and I picked up a little something for everyone. Once upon a time it was a glistening golden infallible beacon of hope. Now it's just a chipped tarnished fountain of hate. I hope you like it! Maybe you can put it up on your mantel and listen to it spew slurs during Christmas dinner. Or perhaps you could let little Jenny or Johnny take it to school for show-and-tell. It's never too early to teach your children the importance of blanket statement hatred. Fasten your seatbelts bitches, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with young love. Young, twisted, dysfunctional, creepy, masochistic love. Brendon and Rachel are sitting in the backyard doing that thing they do: he berates her, she whines, he berates her some more, she fake cries, he sucks the life out of her, she apologizes, searching tongues find slurpy happiness. It's gross. It's really really fucking gross. I don't know who this Brendon is or who this Rachel is, but they're not the Brendon and Rachel of yesteryear. Maybe they're pod people. Maybe it's a case of body snatching. I don't know what the hell is going on, but Rachel is merely a sliver of the loud, brash, confident person she used to be. She's a whiny insecure fraction of herself exhibiting the mannerisms of a woman who gets beat up emotionally on a daily basis. Witnessing what I'm witnessing and seeing her fumble to find some sense of self, I'm not the least bit surprised that she forgave Brendon his penis exposing indiscretions and began planning a wedding instead.

According to Brendon, everything Rachel does in this game is wrong. She drinks too much, she talks to the wrong people, she says inappropriate things, she's tarnishing their public image. It's an endless list of criticism and complaints from Brendon while Rachel simply eats it up with a spoon and apologizes while she does it. I've never particularly cared for Rachel, but I also never pegged her as a needy and insecure person. This girl was a beast last summer. She never questioned herself, she spoke her mind and she certainly never let that little bitch boy boss her around. Whatever has happened from last summer to this summer is downright scary. Rachel isn't the type of person I'd ever want to be friends with in real life, but I don't like to see any woman, no matter who she is, treated like shit by a man. Or... maybe I do?

In this particular fight, Brendon began by lecturing Rachel on the consequences of her drinking. He does that phony flippant thing where he says, "Well *shrugs shoulders* maybe it was a mistake to come here again. I only came here for you. Maybe I should just throw the HOH." It's a remark designed to make Rachel feel both guilty and angry. It's her fault they're there in the first place, it's her fault she's fucking things up and it'll be her fault if they lose the game. It's all kinds of disgusting - on both ends. Rachel is just as guilty as Brendon is. She's letting him manipulate her. She's allowing him to make her feel like shit. I don't know about you, but I turned up the volume on my headset and leaned in a little closer not wanting to miss a beat.

After Brendon threatens to throw the HOH, Rachel threatens to reveal something personal that they're dealing with at home. *bites fist* Brendon flares his nostrils, tells her not to "go there" and threatens her back with "You'll be making a big mistake." *daintily tips a toe into a bowl of glitter* After Brendon threatens to throw HOH yet again, Rachel replies, "You better not. It's not like you're good at them anyways." *dumps entire bowl of glitter onto head* Awesome. It's cringeworthy, it's yucky, it's creepy and, who am I kidding here, it's awesome. It's bursting with fruit flavor awesome. Last season I couldn't stomach these two going at it, but this season I'm riveted. The strange twisty dynamic, the threats hurled back and forth, the codependent dysfucntionality. I'm in. I'm so in. I want to lather up in it, make my skin all creamy and stick my face in the bubbles and blow.

When the fight finally ended in a tongue wrestling match, I was sad and depleted. I wanted them to start up again. I wanted Brendon to start from the beginning and accuse Rachel of stealing beers. I wanted Rachel to scrunch her face up and try to squeeze out tears. All at once I was horrified yet incredibly entertained. Is it possible that I actually like Brendon having the upperhand? The more I flesh this out and the more I compare them to BB12 Brenchel, the more I think I actually prefer the newly dysfunctional BB13 version. I'm going to hell aren't I? Oh well. It's not like heaven wants me. It's like that My Ruin quote, "Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over." *shrugs shoulders* Whatevs.

So the strangely delicious fight ends and the house's attention to some ridiculous stuffed turtle called Franklin. I've never mentioned Franklin before because, quite frankly, I couldn't be less interested. It's like women who talk in baby talk and cover their bed in stuffed animals. No offense, but I don't want to know you. I don't want to see your Edward Cullen sticker collection and I certainly don't want to meet your 200 cats. So you can imagine how horrified I was while watching the entire house plot and plan a court trial to find the missing (and hopefully disemboweled) turtle friend. They were gathering evidence, putting it in plastic bags, assigning counsel and practicing their opening remarks. As the grumpy juice runs thick through my veins, I switched off the feeds, put on some Mickey Avalon and went out for a run. "Let's get naked, shake your moneymaker, baby Imma show you how"

After hydrating with a jug of gin, I was ready to dive into the feeds again. And what do we have here? Another Brendon and Rachel spat! Hooray. So the Oldies are up in the HOH room discussing Datsun and how she follows Rachel around like a lost puppy. Rachel whines and says, "But I liiiiiike her. If you think she's ruining my game then maybe we should get rid of her." and then Brendon smacked Rachel across the face with a frying pan. No, not really. Instead he told her she's not allowed to talk to Isuzu unless someone else is with her. Daniele interjects and says that if Rachel decides to keep Keef then all she has to do is just say the word. Apparently, Daniele likes Keef as a person, but will do whatever Rachel wants her to do. Rachel hides under the covers, peers out occasionally and begins the self inflicted mental torture of who to evict. Rachel thinks Keef is nice too and she'd like him to have a fair shot in the game. Both Daniele and Brendon reacted to this with, "Keith has had more of a fair shot than any of us! We all have targets on our back!" Rachel moans a little more and then finally agrees with them. Even though everyone hates Subaru, the consensus is that they'll keep her in the game.

And now we arrive at what the BB world was all up in arms about last evening. It involves a Big Brother prince, a stand up Newbie and an innocent fairy tale character. The scene takes place in the HOH room where Jeff, Jordan, Kalia, Daniele, Brendon and Rachel are discussing books and authors. They begin discussing J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter. Kalia says that the character of Dumbledore, the head master, is gay. Jeff gasps and says that it's "perverted" to make that character gay. Kalia replies that it was probably meant as a teaching tool to instruct kids that being gay is ok. Jeff then launches into a hate filled tirade where 2+2=5 and Dumbledore would, naturally - because all gay men are pedophiles you know - want to fondle Harry Potter's balls. Kalia asks, "Gay men can't work with little kids?" and Jeff replies that it's "not right" and that kids shoudn't be sent away to a fantasy camp without their parents where the man in charge is gay. Kalia flat out doesn't understand his logic and tries to keep the conversation somewhat civil. She's not yelling. She's not angry. She's simply just trying to understand where Jeff is coming from. Jeff responds by accusing Kalia of being "PC" for TV and tells her to shut the fuck up. Kalia then informs Jeff that her little sister is gay. Jeff replies, "I don't fucking care if your sister is gay!"

Oh Jeff. Jeffy Weffy Jeff Jeff. I'll get to you in a second, bigot. First off, I'd like to applaud Kalia. I know I've given her a hard time over the past few days, but I'm glad she stood her ground. Not only am I angry at Jeff for the vile ignorance he so proudly spews, but I'm angry with the other people in the room as well. The people who sat idly by and didn't say a word: Rachel, Brendon, Daniele and Jordan. If I'm in a room with someone perpetuating intolerance, I speak up. It's just the type of person I am. Injustice makes me angry and when we bottle up our feelings about it we only perpetuate it.

Now, I see some people saying that Jeff is getting a bad rap and that a lot of us are blowing this out of proportion. My response to that is: fuck you. Fuck. You. This isn't the first time Jeff has spouted gay slurs and it certainly won't be his last. You're just pissed off that your Golden Boy isn't as perfect as you want him to be. Defending his behavior is defending his ideals and that makes you a bigot too. So go wrap yourselves up in your fluffy comforters of hate and continue to lie to yourselves about how flawless your Big Brother prince is. Ask yourselves why Jeff got angry no one backed him up. Ask yourselves why he got called into the DR all of a sudden and emerged with a scowl on his face. Ask yourselves why he abruptly decided to not participate in the big preplanned turtle trial. Ask yourselves. Go on. Do it. He did all of those things because he knows. He knows, Big Brother knows and the viewers know that one, Mr. Jeff Schroeder, is a homophobic bigot who needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut and his temper in check.

CBS won't air his rant. They'll keep him cloaked in a protective pod of light and goodness. Most of America won't ever know the intolerance that resides inside of Jeff. He'll get off again like he got off before when he attacked Russell and I wouldn't be surprised if he walks away with a fat check for America's Favorite. It's unfair and it's sad. He offended a lot of people last night and I think the second he gets out of the house you should let him know about it. Perhaps educate him. He's not a bright guy so maybe it all stems from some sort of stupidity and ignorance. I don't know. I don't know what would make someone explode so irrationally about a character in a children's book. All I know is I'm done with Jeff Schroeder.

And that's that. The HG's got a golf set to practice with and I was spent. It was a great live feed day with enough drama to keep me glued to the screen. I'm interested to see what Ragan has to say about it all on Rumor Control today. If you haven't gotten your feeds yet, now is the perfect time. You don't want to miss another day like yesterday. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Farting With Purpose

Wine, spirits, ales, nectars of the gods, Bacchanalian delights... life is a celebration meant to be whirled like a dervish. Slurping from the teat of a moonshine jug is the only way I know how to get out of bed in the morning. It's my cup o' joe, my cheerios, my crumbling old pop tart from when sundresses and Doc Martens were a good idea. Only when the razor sharp world outside becomes a fuzzy jumble of greens and browns do I truly feel alive. Naked, uninhibited and wondering where that bruise on my thigh came from is par for the course when your blood alcohol level is always 2.0. Muddled memories, clumsy trysts with someone whose name you forgot you ask, "Plan B please, sir"... hey, we've all been there and some of us (ahem) are still there. And this, dear readers, is why I'm making history today. I'm about to be nice to Rachel. Clutch your pearls and hide the glitter bitches. This may be the first of many or the one and only. No one can say. Let's recap, shall we?

So yesterday I gave Kalia a bit of a hard time. I criticized her appearance, mocked her personality and compared her to a homeless person. Well, why ruin a good thing? Let's do it again! The woman who lacks the energy to stand upright has come up with a plan. Kalia tells Brendon that she'd like to be nominated next week, have Lawon get evicted, and then get the Golden Key thus guaranteeing her safety. Well, I'd like a pretty pink unicorn who shits diamonds, but we can't all get what we want now, can we? Once she has the Golden Key and is safe for the next three weeks, Kalia tells Brendon she'll vote however the Oldies want her to vote. It's basically the laziest possible way to get to the Jury House. Minimal effort, low risk, yawn yawn, ass scratch.

Brendon listens to what Kalia is offering and advises her to act like Keith is staying this week. You see, Brendon also has a plan. It's called Psychosmurfological Warfair (this is Brendon we're talking about here so it's "fair" not "fare"). Brendon wants to sneak inside the minds of the Newbies by having both Kalia and Shelly pretend that they're voting to keep Keith. As a result the Newbies will fall into a lulled sense of contentment believing that they have the 6-4 vote to overrule the Oldies and evict Hyundai. In reality, the 6-4 vote will be to evict Keith, not keep him. The shock and awe from the unexpected eviction will then throw the Newbies into such a flustered state that it'll be physically impossible for them to beat the Oldies in the next HOH. It's too soon for me to tell how the Newbies will react. Could Brendon's plan work or could it fuel their anger to the point of brutal vengeance? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea. Cassi and Dom are the wild cards here. Plus, you know deep down Lawon can't stand Keef. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

In addition to Kalia's "Just Let Me Coast Until I'll Make The Jury" plan, she also tells Brendon that she's very calculated and everything that comes out of her has intention behind it. That belch yesterday was filled with longing. The fart last night was ejected with malice. The burp 2 minutes ago? Well, that one was saying "I'm fucking lazy and disgusting. I'm so Carrie Bradshaw!" Whatever. It's like when people go out of their way to tell you how smart or classy they are. It's all bullshit. Kalia isn't calculating anything more than 1 fart + 1 hiccup x 3 belches = someone who needs a Tums.

While I see it all as complete horse manure, Brendon laps that shit up and decides to divulge every single secret the Oldies are holding onto. He proceeds to tell Kalia how Dick leaving really screwed up the Oldies game, how the Oldies think Adam might be playing both sides, how the HOH crew trusts Shelly and how whoever nominates Brenchel or Jejo is done for. Why not just tell her your ATM pin code and your Social Security Number? You see, Brendon is suffering from an extreme case of hubris. He's under the impression that he's a master Big Brother gamesman and that not only does he have this whole season under control, but he has much to teach the neophytes. *sigh* Brendon you're a penis skyper and that's all. You're not an All Star. You're not someone people look up to. You're a guy who cried on youtube for flashing your junk to anonymous fans. Alumnus does not equal Hall Of Famer.

So eventually Kalia leaves and Rachel enters. She immediately begins to disrobe sending Father Brendon, the pious hall monitor, into a tizzy. He freaks out that her boobs are already all over the internet and that he doesn't want anymore photos of the future mother of his children out for public consumption. Rachel should've replied with, "Well, I don't want the penis of the father of my future children all over the interwebs!" Instead, she whined and sheepishly went into the bathroom to change. The relationship they have is strange to say the least. As far as I'm concerned. Rachel has the upperhand. Brendon had the skype scandal, not her. She should be holding that shit over his head til kingdom come, but instead she's letting him boss her around and treat her like a child. I'm making a prediction right now: the wedding will not happen. They'll get through this season, do the post BB13 press/parties and then sometime in the Fall it'll all be over. Stamp that. Notarize it. That's what's going to happen.

Checking in on some other HG's, we find Jeff and Adam outside working out. Jeff is on the elliptical while Adam is swinging around some Heavy Hands (Remember those? "I walk with Heavy Hands!") while walking back and forth. The conversation turns to Cabriolet and how Adam thinks it might be better to get rid of her now rather than later. His logic is that you should get rid of the strong people early. As an example, he cites how Jeff kept Russell in BB11 way too long. Jeff doesn't really say too much in response and I'm not really sure Adam was even expecting a retort. It's abundantly clear to me that Adam is extremely resentful of the Oldies' presence in the game. I'm getting the distinct impression that he feels like they're stealing his thunder. He went in wanting to be Dick 2.0, but all he is is a Newbie with no fanbase to speak of. He is, however, a conoisseur of the game and tells Jeff that he thinks the first HOH competition after the last Golden Key is given out will be endurance. He gives BB9 as an example - when the couples ended in BB9, endurance followed.

They chithcat a little bit about more about Honda and the upcoming vote. Adam is on the fence because while he thinks Buick is a strong competitor, he also suspects that Keef will hold a grudge. Prius might be loyal to the Oldies, but will they pay a price once the Golden Keys are gone? The conversation ends without a resolution, but if I were Jeff, I'd get rid of Adam as soon as possible. His agenda is clear. He wants the Oldies out and he wants to be the one who does it. Daniele sees it. I just wonder why the others don't as well.

In the Have-Not room we find Kalia and Lawon talking about Keef. Kalia doesn't understand why Keef won't go up to the HOH to talk to Rachel about staying in the game. She thinks it's a respect thing that all the HOH's are entitled to. All nominees should grovel and she's mystified as to why Keef is so proud. She's also very annoyed with the fact that Keef only dates white girls. In her hip Carrie Bradshaw "sex, romance, fun!" mind, it's offensive for black guys to only date white women. Then she says she's far more worldly than Keef because she went to a black college and he didn't. *throws hands in the air* You know what? Kalia is full of a lot of hot air. No wonder she's so fucking gaseous. The discussion ends with Kalia telling Lawon that Toyota doesn't have to do a damn thing this week. Keef will inevitably sink his own battleship. Wait a tic... I thought Kalia was supposed to be pretending to keep Keef in the house. I don't know what game she's playing, but it's certainly not Big Brother. It's something else entirely. Something fraught with jealousy and insecurity.

As much I'd love to stop talking about Kalia, I just can't stay away because do you know what happens next? The black Carrie Bradshaw, in all of her stylish wisdom, advises that toothpicks are great for picking your nose. And, wait for it... her feet also happen to smell really horrible right now. I'll bet that's exactly what Sarah Jessica Parker said when she rolled into the Vogue offices to turn in her latest article, "Isn't the pastel Marc Jacob bag divine? I can't wait to get my hands on the new patent YSL accessories. Hot damn, do my feet stink!" Yup. Verbatim.

This brings us to early evening. The HG's are informed that slop ends tonight at midnight (to which Kalia screams like a deranged psycho) and a bevy of alcoholic refreshments are delivered. Rachel descends the staircase in a sort of strangely awkward Norma Desmond kind of a way. It's faux humble skip to the center of the room where everyone oohs and ahhs over her sparkles. Rachel does a "Oh, this old thing! It was just hanging on the back of the chair." Sure, Rachel. Whatever you say.

Drink, drink, drink. Rachel pours half a bottle of wine for herself and offers the others a tablespoon each. She rounds up the troops to play some Big Booty, but only a handful of HG's join her. Big Booty is some dumbass drinking game that Rachel thinks feedsters want to watch. Personally, I've never seen it. I know I'll hate it so everytime they start it, I save myself the agony and flip the switch. Anyhow, merriment ensues, dancing takes place and Jordan sits in a corner wallowing in her own misery. She refuses to dance, she refuses to smile and I wonder if someone shouldn't stick a mirror under her nose to she if she's still breathing. It's ridiculous that she's in this house when she so obviously doesn't want to be there. Being on Big Brother is a privilege. It's not a summer respite from learning how to clean a stained bicuspid.

Eventually, the partying winds down and Brendon and Rachel go up to the HOH to get some shuteye. Not so fast there jiggly tits. Brendon has a little lecturing to do first. Apparently, Rachel and Lincoln Continental hid some beers, acted like assholes and were annoying to everyone in general. Rachel shouted Brendon's pet names across the backyard for all to hear and now his reputation as an upstanding non penis skyping citizen is tarnished. You see, after BB13 is over, Brendon wants to get married, start his career, have some kids and live a normal life. Grumpy Funsucker can't have his future wife prancing all around the backyard drooling down the front of her glittery top while the world watches and blogs about it. Listen here Penis Man, the only way I want Rachel on my feeds is if she's drunk and insane. If she's not sucking up the naughty juice, then I want her Charlie Manson eyed and off her rocker. The last thing I want from you, Testicalius, is giving Rachel pointers on how to compose herself in a ladylike fashion. Let the bitch do her thing. You're not her father. You're her lover. You've been dealing with the crazy Rachel train for about a year now and clearly it's working out for you. So shut up and let her do what she needs to do. If I had it my way, I'd sponsor her like in Hunger Games and just send her bottle after bottle after bottle of tequila. She's no good to me unless she's a hot mess. The last thing anyone wants is a boring thoughtful Rachel. Red headed harlot to the end, baby. (Well, maybe not to the end, but definitely for the first several weeks)

And there you have it. It seems like the house is entering into a pattern where it's one day of excitement and one day of boredom. If my theory holds true, then today will probably suck. We'll have to see what happens. I am, however, glad that the gameplay is picking up a little bit. The jealousy towards Cassi is growing and I wonder what sort of bodily function Kalia will delight us with today. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I added a few polls just for fun (top right hand corner) so be sure to vote so we can see where everyone's head is at.

Also, the Bitchy Big Brother Fantasy Game is kicking off today. The big weiner will get an Amazon Gift Card so be sure to make your picks and get ready to talk some trash. You have to be a member of the Bitchy Network to play so for today only I'm offering a half off discount to anyone who joins. Simply click HERE, register, pay HALF of the membership fee and then do nothing. I'll approve you. Once you're in, go to BB13 Bitches and join the game. We had a killer Survivor: Redemption Island game where the winner won by only ONE point. BarefootDrunk (you can follow her on Twitter @BarefootDrunk) has whipped up a new BB13 version putting bounties on all the Oldies heads. It should be a good time. See you there!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Burning Embers

Good day Big Brother fans. Seen any good 8 minute long commercials lately? Yeah, me neither. A quitter is a quitter is a quitter. Moving on...

I'm going to be honest here, I didn't watch too much of the live feeds yesterday. This new cast is a giant festering pile of dogshit and I don't know if you've ever spent a lot of time watching a giant festering pile of dogshit, but it's not as fun as one might imagine it to be. However, there is one good thing that came out of my frustrations yesterday. I have found my anger center. Yoga practictioners try to awaken their kundalini, people from the Orient try to harness their Chi'i, but I, on the other hand, strive to ignite the glistening burning embers of my soul. If you heard a crackling popping noise yesterday, that was my anger center getting all fired up. What I bring you today isn't really a recap, it's more of a "I fucking hate these people!" ramble. Let's do it, shall we?

First things first, Rachel and Brendon kept the nominations the same and Keef and Dodge are still up for eviction.

I'm going to start today with Kalia. Kalia hails from a land called Suckfest. In Suckfest, not only is openly belching into another person's face considered commonplace, it's encouraged. One could be having a conversation with Kalia about their uncle dying a slow and painful death from pancreatic cancer and homegirl would open her giant trap and release a gutteral rumbling so loud and noxious it would make your eyes water and the tiny hairs inside your nose sizzle. Kalia once compared herself to Carrie Bradshaw. First off, sitting in a coffee shop writing blogs doesn't make you a successful author with people pining to be you. If it did, I'd be Stephen King sitting around one of my country estates wondering how to spend my millions. Instead I'm sitting here with my laptop resting on my knees as I soak my feet in my bathtub full of gin. Kalia also told us she'd be fierce and unafraid to speak her mind. I ask you dear readers, how fierce is this?

I expected sass. I expected irrational anger. All I got was a stray homeless woman trying to keep warm against the temperate climate of California.

And, let's be honest here, would Carrie Bradshaw ever allow herself to look like this. She's a brick... HOUSE!

If Miss Sophia from The Color Purple wore a hot pink bikini, she'd look like the above photo. Kalia sucks. The valley girl voice, the quiet contentment, the insecurity around the Oldies... it all adds up to a slot taken up by someone I don't want to spend my summer watching. At least Chima spoke her mind. Sure, she looked like a Bratz doll on crack and acted like an insufferable prima donna, but she was honest and fiery and gave me something to talk about. Kalia gives me nothing. The "wait and see" strategy she's using may make sense in her mind, but it makes my ass twitch. Kalia is a beige wall. A plastic fern in a doctor's office. She's a bran flake. A grape nut. She's a saltine stuck on the roof of your mouth the day all the Earth's water evaporated into thin air. I tried to like you Kalia, but I just can't. If you change my mind, I'll happily give you credit. Until then, go crawl back under your homeless lady blanket and stop wasting my time.

Next up in today's tongue lashing is Shelly/Babs. I gave Babs a pass because the softball coach/Harley riding thing was funny in the beginning. The southern accent coupled with the Holly Hunter talking out of the side of the mouth thing was endearing at first, but now it's just making my brain bleed. Instead of forming alliances amongst the Newbies to take down the Oldies, she's got her tongue up Jeff's ass and is perfectly content letting the game float right by her. Shelly's main contribution to this summer of horrors is her war on grime. Whether it be a drop of iced tea, a caked on piece of slop or years of hard water stains on a mean piece of tile grout, Shelly will attack that bitch with all guns blazing. She's armed with her broom, a wad of steel wool and two Swiffers in her belt loops. I dare you dirt. I dare you to show your ugly face when Shelly enters the room. Not even a festive drinking game of "I Never" can deter Shelly's focus. If Swiffer had an Olympic competition, Shelly would be the champion of the world. Until then, she's the Big Brother housekeeper. Plain and simple.

Next on my list of shitty shitfaces is Adam, the man who thinks a primal scream makes interesting television viewing. Throaty, grumbling and burly, if Adam really aspired to be like that quitter I will no longer name, then why isn't he gathering the Newbies to orchestrate a gigantic upset to oust the Oldies? Instead he's standing in the middle of the lawn spinning the douchey top that he is.

This brings me to Cassi. I actually like Cassi and she's playing the game all of the Newbies should be playing. She's working on a way to split up Rachel & Brendon and Jeff & Jordan. The problem is that her useless squishy turdface cohorts are traitors who run and tell the Oldies everything she's planning. Late last night the Swiffer Champ Of America ran up to the HOH and told Rachel of Cassi's plan to split up the Oldies. She also spilled that Lawon wants to keep Keef in the house as well. After a long night of fitful sleeping I'm beginning to wonder myself if keeping Keef is the way to go. If somewhere down the line it protects Cassi and Lawon, I'm ok with it. The problem is that Keef is the most untrustworthy player in the game and he uh uh uh d-d-d-drives me uh uh uh insane. He shouldn't have turned on Lawon like he did the other day - especially after what we saw last night on CBS. But the more I think about it, the more I think keeping Toyota Corolla in the game is a bad idea. She's strong in competitions, but lacking in brain power which makes her not an obvious threat, but someone who could very easily sneak by and find herself in the final four.

Another person who'll sneak right by to the end is Jordan. Lazy, ineffectual, cupcake sprinkles for brains Jordan. Here's what's going to happen: Jeff and Jordan will go on the block at some point and Jeff, who's clearly the stronger player, will be the obvious target. Jordan couldn't win a competition if it sat on her face and squirted out cookie dough. Already the Oldies are planning to throw comps to the poor girl and that's why I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this blonde joke to the sanctity of Big Brother walks away with another $500,000. Think about it. The second Rachel gets on that block and is unable to get herself off, she's toast. As much as I love to hate on Rachel, the girl is a fierce competitor. The only reason I'm tolerating her so far this season is because of the glaring blackhole of nothingness I'm seeing in almost all of the other players. Rachel is jealous, insecure, annoying, vomit inducing and all the rest of it, but she loves herself some Big Brother. In comparison to the lifeless blob that is Jordan, even I can have a droplet of respect for Rachel.

As for Lawon, I still like him as a person. I just don't know if he's really the sleeper I made him out to be. He's the one speck of glitter in this drabby poop colored room that is Big Brother 13 and I just can't not like him. He makes me smile, he's honest and I want him to be my pageant coach if I ever enter the Miss Bitch Of America pageant. So, stick around Lawon. I want to have my first Mint Julep with you while we talk about if there really is a thing as too many rhinestones on a shirt.

That's all I got today folks. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you checked out Famous Food last night or want to watch Jordan beach herself to another victory, click on the link below and get yourselves some feeds dammit.

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