Saturday, June 21, 2014

Zach: Eye On The Prize

Last one! This here is 23 year old Zach Rance and he is a recent graduate of the University of Florida. Right off the bat, his hair is stupid. Oh come on! You were totally thinking it too. Zach talks just likes his picture looks if that makes sense. He's loud, he's forthright, and he's going to be big drama, I just know it. I also have a sneaking suspicion he's taken Ritalin everyday for the past 17 or so years. But you know what? He's cute! He's not dangerous hot - which is totally my type - long hair, leather pants, maybe a snarl - but Zach's a cutie patootie. The girlies are going to love him and I'm sure he'll look dreamy with his shirt off. I suspect, he'll be the eye candy of the bunch.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

When asked how big of a fan he is, Zach replies, "On a scale of 1-10, 10 being Ian Terry, I'd say I'm a strong 4 1/2." *laughs* Good! He's funny. Finally! I'm desperate for someone to make me chuckle. So far we've had some of the dullest people to walk the earth, but now we have this crazy cat to lighten the mood. And when he talks about why he's on the show, Zach says, without blinking, he's not here for any type of "experience". He's here for 500,000 reasons and he's not leaving without the grand prize. I like that confidence! You've got to envision what you want. My girl Shakti Gawain taught me that years ago and here I sit running a moderately successful blogging empire that makes me close to THREE FIGURES a season. Wait, what?

As far as what Zach brings to the table, he says he wants to make everyone like him. He's a fun, sociable, personable guy who is skilled at making people feel good about themselves. His goal is to make it difficult for people to want to vote him off. Interesting. He's savvier than his hairdo. That's good news. However, when it comes to competitions, Zach plans to throw about 99% of them unless his back is up against the wall and he has to win. Being a young fit guy, he doesn't want to come across as a big threat or too intimidating.

When it comes to alliances, having a secret ally is definitely in his playbook, but for the most part he wants people to come to him rather than the other way around. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Zach might be my early favorite. Rarely, do I pick a male to root for - girl power! - but I think Zach is going to be not only entertaining, but interesting strategy-wise. I suspect he could throw a monkey wrench into the All Girls Alliance if someone like Nicole is charmed by Zach's boyish good looks and pecs. Most importantly, he's not douchey. He says what he means and means what he says. He has a goal in sight and he'll do whatever he has to to achieve it. You can't hate on that.

So what do you think of Zach? Will he be the life of the party? Or will he be the girls' number one target? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And that's it for me until later next week when I recap the first night in the house! Until then, you can catch me tonight on the premiere of the Big Brother Gossip Show at 10 pm. Scott, Mike and I will be running down the entire cast and discussing all the new twists and changes. Be sure to follow me on Twitter and friend me on Facebook for show links. If you can't catch the show live, it will be available for free download on iTunes.

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Victoria: World Traveler & Watcher

Next up is 22 year old Photographer Victoria Rafaeli who lists both Israel and Brooklyn as her hometowns, but currently lives in Florida. Victoria is another one of those naughty Recruits we tend to thumb our noses at. Vicki, here, finds it really funny that she was recruited since she is a huge Big Brother Israel fan every summer when she's in Israel. I don't begrudge her anything for that. In fact, I applaud her. I happen to be a very big Big Brother Australia fan. I also watch Big Brother UK, but it's not as great as it used to be. Australia, however, is GENIUS. If you've never seen it and you've got a lot of time on your hands, go back and watch BBAU 2012.

So let's get back to the States where our Big Brother is different (shittier) and unlike all the Big Brother's around the world. When asked what she'll bring to the house, Victoria purrs, "Victoria. I'm exotic. I don't think they've ever had anyone exotic." While that answer is completely ridiculous, I might be digging Victoria. She says she loves to watch the Competitions , but mostly enjoys the myriad of ways people scheme and backstab each other. That's my favorite part too!

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Victoria has a way of talking that is part sexy, part valley girl, part cosmopolitan. She's affected just a tinge, but for some reason it's not bothering me. When it comes to strategy, Victoria's plan isn't all that different from Payolla's. Victoria seeks to manipulate while flying under the radar. She doesn't want to come out like gangbusters early on and get kicked off immediately. And when seeking an alliance partner, Victoria wants to seek out a player that no one would ever suspect she was working with. I've got the perfect one for her. Donny! On the surface, they're like Israel and Palestine, but beneath maybe they could find peace. Aww see what I did there?

However, when it comes to voting people out, Victoria isn't going to be shy about targeting the big threats early on. She'd rather keep the quieter, crappy players in the house so she can beat them easier in the end. Makes sense I guess.

You know what, I kind of like her. She's got a personality, but she's not over the top. You can tell she's bright and her game play might be interesting to watch. She's strong compared to a twit like Nicole, but she's not loud and insane like Jocasta. I'm keeping my fingers crossed she doesn't let me down.

What do you guys think of Victoria? Could she be our strategic mastermind? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Paola: Looking For Paydirt

Next up is 27 year old DJ Paola Shea from New York City. Paola says we can call her "Pow Pow", but I'll pass, thanks. I think I'll call her Payolla. She kinda looks like she's always after a check. Payolla says that she was "definitely" a recruit and, rumor has it, she is a friend of that gem GinaMarie.

When asked what she's most looking forward to, Payolla says the Challenges EXCEPT for the memory ones because she says she has a memory like a goldfish. I'm the same way. I'm very much like Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates. I'm always surprised when people talk to me about an HG or a Survivor I swear I've never heard of, only to discover I've written about them for 3 months straight.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

As far as what Payolla will bring to the house that no one else will, she says, "My uniqueness. Who I am as a person. I think this is the first time they've had a female DJ. I'm a unique person. I'm special." Rrrrright. But when Payolla is asked about strategy is when she gets my attention. She says it'll be impossible for her to fly under the radar as her personality is way too big. And when it comes to strategy, she wants to be the manipulator behind the scenes. She absolutely 100% doesn't want to get any blood on her hands and would rather have someone else do that for her. As much as I'd like to hate her simply for the GM attachment, I have to admit that I dig her answer here. I'm always drawn to the sneaky take charge gals who can manipulate others into doing the dirty work for them. Those type of players keep me on my toes wondering what's a scheme and what's coincidence. Amanda, for one, was great at this. You didn't always know what Amanda was up to which was what made her so fascinating and addicting to watch. I wonder if Payolla can step up and impress me.

When asked about who she'll target first, Payolla says she's going after whichever HG is the most annoying. LOL that's pretty funny because I know I would be exactly the same way. Sure, it's not necessarily the smartest way to play, but a girl's gotta be comfortable and if you've got a snorer or a high talker or maybe a smelly person, you've GOT to kick them to the curb. It was always a mystery to me how Frank managed to stay in the house as long as he did considering his B.O. was legendary. If I had to take a guess, I'd say that Payolla is going to despise Nicole. I wouldn't be surprised if the Live Feeds turn on and we find Nicole in a heap of tears and jelly beans in the corner because Payolla has been torturing her all week long. Fingers crossed!

Surprisingly, Payolla is hellbent on creating an all girls alliance. Wow. That's the third person to say they want the girls to rule the house. The odds of it happening are going to depend on how the house is split. Do you think the girls can pull it off? Will the guys get plucked off one by one? What do you think of Payolla and her plans to manipulate the house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Nicole: A Little Bit Country, A Lot Annoying

Next up is 21 year old Nursing Graduate Nicole Franzel from Ubly, Michigan. From her photo she looks very cute, maybe a little reserved, probably doesn't get into a lot of trouble and then I pressed play, "Okaaaaay so my NAME is Nicollllllle and I just like graduatED Nursing Schooooool." Oy vey. This one is going to be a chore. ANYHOW, Nicole is one of those rare beings we hardly see anymore. She's not a recruit! Two days before the deadline she decided to throw caution to the wind and send a videotape - decorated with fuzzy stickers - in to CBS. "I sent in a VIDeooooo and then I got a CALL baaaaack and soooo it really wentfastfromthere!" Her hands are flying everywhere, my eyes are darting up, down, all around. Gah! I don't know where to look! In the words of the psychotic Ramona Singer, "Take a Xanax! CALM DOWN!"

Occasionally, I have trouble with accents. I can't stomach a Bah-ston accent or one of those dreadful Rhode Ah-land ones either, but the Midwesterners, with their attack on the letter 'a' (it's not short, it's not long, it's mutilated), make me get a little stabby. Nicole, unfortunately, hacks away at her a's like they've done something icky and inappropriate to her. I'm probably going to unfairly judge her based on this fact alone, but I can't help it!

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

As far as Big Brother is concerned, Nicole is a SUPER fan and she's been watching a SUPER long time. Isn't that super?! She has even gone so far as to make t-shirts for the alliances she likes. Uh oh... this isn't good. Super fans always make the worst HG's. Worse still, she's a Live Feeder. Live Feeders in the house are hyper aware of the cameras and go out of their way to name their alliances. Mark my words, Nicole will be the first HG to name her own alliance. I'm willing to put money on it.

When asked what she is most looking forward to, Nicole replies, "Definitely the cahmpatitions." *stabs self in the brain with a pitchfork* On a positive note, she's especially excited for Endurance comps and thinks she'll be pretty good at them. This tells me that she probably won't throw one. There is nothing worse than an elaborate Endurance Comp ending in 35 minutes. I want 8 hours of torture!

As far as what Nicole will bring to Big Brother, she replies, "My quirkiness? I don't know. Maybe thaaaat. Um, what else? Maybe a little country!" *smacks head against the wall* A "little country" is too much country if you ask me. When it comes to strategy, Nicole wants to be a Chaaallenge Dahminator and has no plans on throwing anything. When choosing her alliance, she'll choose a little bit of everything - like the quirky person to keep things fun, the strong person to win a lot, someone adept with a puffy pen so they decorate hats together, someone who can hang streamers so they don't fall down. You know, people like that.

Alright, here's the skinny on Nicole. She's not a bad person or a ruthless person, but she's a kid. She's an immature bubblegum wrapper. There's no depth there. It's all giggles and balloons. She's acts more like a tween than she does a future nurse. Note to self, never go to Nicole for a blood test. She'll be blowing bubbles and putting a puffy sticker over the injection site.

So what do we think of Nicole? Will she giggle us all to death? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Joey: The New Jenncity

First up today is 27 year old Makeup Artist/Hairstylist Joey Van Pelt from Seattle, Washington. Joey freely admits that she was recruited while doing makeup on a client and didn't go through the audition process at all. One thing to note about Joey is that she talks with a strange brow furrowing confidence. It's like a suave "Hey baby, how YOU doin'?" kind of a thing. There's a lot of head jostling and smirking that is sort of reminiscent of a creepy Drakkar Noir wearing guy trying to pick you up in a bar.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Joey is also one of those heathens who doesn't have TV which means she hasn't really seen the show. But once she started doing her research, she discovered that Big Brother is indeed incredibly popular. Popular enough to have a fan page about it. Uh, toots, try about SEVERAL THOUSAND fan pages about it. Once she took a look at some of the websites she says, "I see why they picked me!" When asked what she'll bring to the house, Joey replies, "An all lady alliance. I get along with women really famously. Never a cat fight. I am just on the ladies' level." And then she makes sure to remind us that she's straight. Um thanks?

Here's the thing, we fans might think that an all ladies alliance is a cockamamie idea, but remember that this is exactly what Jocasta wants too. If those two find themselves on the same team, their far fetched idea could easily become a reality. However, when talking about strategy, Joey plans on throwing competitions because she thinks it's a good idea to stay under the radar and gain some empathy. With the new twist and a house divided, I'm thinking these people planning on throwing comps are going to find themselves rethinking their plans. With the nominee pool cut in half (because of teams) each week, throwing competitions could come back to bite you in the ass. And are we all a little bit thankful for that?

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

The more I watch and listen to Joey, the more I get that Jenncity vibe from her. Remember Jenncity? Charming, likable and outgoing in her pre-show interview and then a total nightmare bump on a log that we never saw more than a minute each day. Jenncity was one of the worst casting mistakes in the history of the game. Will Joey fall into that category as well? We'll have to tune in to find out.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, Joey says she'll target the quiet people first as opposed to the big obvious threats. Her reasoning is that the quiet ones who avoid confrontation are the ones to watch out for. All in all, I don't hate Joey... yet. She's outgoing and definitely has a personality, but she's also a lot of talk with very limited exposure to Big Brother. She's going to be one of those "wait and see" HG's for me.

So what do you think of Joey? Is she all talk? Will she sleep all day and then again all night? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Friday, June 20, 2014

Jocasta: Bat. Shit. Crazy.

This is 33 year old Jocasta Odom from Georgia and she happens to be a minister. Oh Christ. In addition to spreading the word of the Lord, Jocasta is a happily married mother of two young boys and introduces herself to us as the "next winner of Big Brother."*eyeroll*  While telling us how she is a long time fan of Big Brother, Jocasta mentions how she and her "unt" like to watch the show. Grrrr. This is such a pet peeve of mine - unt. Kandi Burruss does it and drives me insane. The word is Aunt. Either "awnt" or "ant" is acceptable, but unt sounds like cunt and that's just rude.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Boy oh boy can Jocasta talk. She's a Chatty Cathy for sure. It's like there's an invisible race to cram the most words into one breath and she's the only one competing. On the plus side, she's got a personality and I can appreciate that. Compared to some of the other duds we've met so far, Jocasta actually is lively and outgoing. But seriously, good luck getting a word in edgewise with this one. For two and a half minutes she repeats the story of how she hemmed and hawed over whether or not to apply for, oh I don't know, about 85 TIMES. Somewhere in one of her retells there was a man and a plane and then Jesus showed up and I think God was overhead making funny faces at him or something and there may or may not have been a manicurist involved along the way. Listening to Jocasta talk is like being inside of a Where's Waldo where Waldo is the end of the story and he's impossible to find!

When asked what Jocasta will bring to the game that no one else will, she motions dramatically in the air with her hands and says, "the symbol I'll be bringing, but I'm not going to tell you what it is so you'll just have to watch." $10,000 says the symbol isn't silence. I'll bet it's something Jesus-y and goofy like faith or hope or God. *eyeroll* Then out of nowhere, Jocasta starts cackling and sliding her neck this way and that. She says that when she pulls out her mysterious symbol it will give her the "trustworthy and loyalty she's looking for." *scratches head and looks confused* This chick is crazy. She's not smear the poop on the wall crazy. She's more talks-to-inanimate-objects-and-laughs-to-herself crazy.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Having said all of that, I am decidedly on the fence with Jocasta. Yes, she's batshit insane and she's got a cockamamie idea about an all women's alliance getting to the Final Four, but she's outgoing. She's unique. She's got a lot to say and she won't disappear into the background. On the other hand, the Jesus stuff really worries me. Religion has no place in Big Brother and I have zero tolerance for proselytizing both in real life and on TV. Your personal faith or lack thereof is your own private business. It is not to be pushed upon or forced onto others. History has proven that the most devout Christians who march their way into the Big Brother house tend to the most hypocritical and I will call them on it. You can count on that.

So, what do we think of Jocasta? Will anyone be able to get a word in edgewise when she's in the room? How much do you want to bet she starts holding Bible studies? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Hayden: That Makes 2 Hayden's Too Many

Believe it or not, this little morsel is called Hayden Voss. I know, what are the odds? From his picture alone, I can only assume that Hayden's mother drank heavily while young barely-formed Hayden was in utero. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome exists and it is unfortunate. Anyhow, Hayden is a 21 year old Pedicab Driver living in Long Beach, CA. Pedicab? I think that's Californian for rickshaw. Whatever the hell it is, it facilitated Hayden's lucky break because one day a hungover Robyn Kass, smelling of stale beer, stuffing her nylons into her clutch and dangling her heels by her pinky finger, hailed down Hayden's rickshaw and found herself a Big Brother contestant.

Hayden wouldn't call himself an avid watcher of Big Brother, but he has definitely heard of the show over the years. As soon as he was cast, he committed himself to studying and devoured hours and hours of past Big Brother seasons including After Dark and whatever Live Feeds he could find. When asked what he's most looking forward to, Hayden says the competitions and fancies himself to be somewhat of an underdog who will sneak up on everyone and take first place. I'm not sure in what universe a young fit guy is an underdog in Big Brother, but there you have it.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

When asked what sets him apart from the other players and makes him unique, Hayden says, "I'll be hilarious!" That remains to be seen, young man. The problem I have with Hayden and the reason I'm not warming up to him AT ALL is because of that unfortunate name of his. I've already experienced one Hayden in Big Brother and that was enough to last me 18 lifetimes. So when another one comes pedaling into my life wearing a stupid hat, you can understand my standoffishness.

Strategy-wise, Hayden plans on being honest for as long as he can, but if he has to backstab to win the money, then so be it. You know what, Hayden? I'll be honest too. You are so freaking BORING! Now pedal away and kindly get evicted as soon as possible.

So, what do we think of Hayden? Is he all talk or is there a genuine comedian underneath that ridiculous hat? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Frankie: I Don't Care Who His Sister Is

Next up is 31 year old "YouTube Personality" Frankie Grande and apparently he has a famous sister, Ariana Grande. I'll be honest, I've heard her name mentioned on EW Radio once or twice, but I have no idea who the hell she is therefore she's not all that important which makes Frankie even less important.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Immediately, I hate this guy and I'll tell you why. I don't appreciate stunt casting. I'm not an idiot who falls for it. Secondly, Frankie starts hamming it up for the camera before he's even asked a question. And C) His bio says he's 31, but Frankie says he's 28. Does he not know that CBS posts the contestants ages? He also says he's an actor, a "social media influencer" (como what?) and a YouTube Personality. Whatever, dude.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

I think he's kind of ridiculous.

ANYHOW, Douchey McGee here says he tried out for Survivor 3 years ago and made the best application video ever. And then one day while stumbling around a Survivor Finale party in ripped fishnets, tattered pumps and a flask peeking out of his bustier, random people from hither thither said, "Douchey, why don't you try out for Big Brother?" So then he made another great application video and here he is annoying all of us.

I don't know if I've matured or my b.s. meter is more refined, but I'm not the least bit entertained by this guy. Maybe Wil Heuser ruined my opinion of the minor celebrity flamboyant gay forever. I remember loving him and expecting him to rock my Big Brother world only to have him turn into a thumping bore and a major yawn fest. His BB YouTube recaps are fantastic and I find them incredibly entertaining, but as an HG he was pretty awful.

So when I hear Douchey say, "I'm a little child. I'm a little boy. And I'm just so excited to go play in Fun Land!" I just kind of roll my eyes and pray for an early eviction. Frankie can promise amazing Diary Room sessions til the cows come home, but deep down I know he's going to be awful. I can feel it in my loins.

So, what do we think of Frankie? Will he bug or delight you? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Donny: Marty Huggins

Next up is Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty otherwise known as Donny Thompson. Donny is a 42 year old unmarried school groundskeeper from North Carolina which makes him incredibly creepy. Hey, I've seen True Detective. I know about the seedy underbelly of the South and the Satanic rituals taking place right under our noses. But then I hit play and Donny isn't so scary after all! He sounds like Marty Huggins from The Campaign...


Donny, as I'm sure comes as no surprise, was not a recruit. He was sittin' at home with his girlfriend watchin' an episode of the Big Brother on the TV when the promo asking for future contestants came on. His girlfriend turned to him and said, "We oughta git you awn that show!" And git him on they did. I've gotta admit, he's sort of charming in a weird backwoods uneducated way. You know how I love myself a contestant who lives in a rickety old cabin on the side of a hill like Coal Miner's Daughter. Donny just might be my Loretta.

Don't you dare tell Donny that he's only watched a couple of seasons because he's watched EVERY season there is. He's hopin' them comp-titions ain't too hard and he's 'specially lookin' forward interactin' with diff-rent types of cultures and diff-rent types of people. *whispers "blacks"* When asked what he'll bring to the house, Donny says that he's happy-go-lucky and funny. When people first meet him they 'spect a roughneck hunter type when, in actuality, he doesn't go huntin' at all. He couldn't harm a fly, he says.

As far as strategy goes, Donny wants to fly under the radar somewhat, but he knows that that comes with a bad connotation so he'll go ahead and try to win as many competitions as he can. However, he knows he's 42 years old and not as physically fit as the young'uns so he'll try to fit in with everyone by making them laugh, being goofy, and telling funny stories. Donny's motto is, "You can't trust anyone, but if someone can make you laugh or smile you seem to trust them a little more." Awww precious.

Donny is incredibly likable and he's a delightful mish mash of cultural extremes, but he's no game player. He might last a long time simply because he won't be a threat to the other strategic players. It'll definitely be fascinating to see him interact with all the young twenty somethings. I've seen some people comparing him to Spencer, but I don't think the two could be anymore different. But who knows! Maybe there's a perv lurking under all that camo. Butterscotch!

So, what do we think of Donny? Will he capture the players hearts like he will America's? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Devin: Chuckling Chortler

Next up is 26 yr old former pro baseball player Devin Shepherd. Right off the bat - Get it? Bat. I'm here all week, people - I am charmed by Devin's enormous mouth and I don't think I'm being inappropriate in suggesting that Christine and Devin hold a contest to see how many fists they can both fit inside of their giant gobs. I mean, come on! I'm only saying what everyone else is thinking. But let's get down to serious business...

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Just look at those cheeks! Alright, I'm buckling down and I'm going to strap on my serious writer chapeau - a beanie with a propeller. The first thing I notice about Devin is just how bloody happy he is about everything. And I'm talking EVERYTHING. While talking about how he missed Father's Day with his 2 yr old little girl, he positively beams. Ask him about the crisis in Iraq and I'm sure he'll chortle and giggle. It's very entertainment news caster-y. And when he lifts one eyebrow and tilts his head back for every other word, I kind of want to smack him with a frying pan just to see if he'll cut it out.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

This is the face he made when he said, "Father's Day was tough. You know, missing that..."

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Dude, you're freaking me out!

Alright, so it turns out that Devin is another cast member who applied for The Amazing Race with a former girlfriend, but was nabbed - sans girlfriend - for Big Brother instead. When asked what he's most excited about this season, Devin replies, "I'm just so happy to participate in Big Brother because it's America's game. It's a game that America has adopted as their own." *looks around the room* Huh? Come again? What the hell is he talking about? Does anyone have a clue because I sure as hell don't? Oh Christ, this guy is going to annoy the crap out of me.

As far as strategy goes, Chuckles plans on playing the most honest and morally sound game he can. Gank! Bzz! Zrrp! You're out! Oscar Wilde had no patience for morality and neither do I - especially when it comes to Big Brother. I want lying, backstabbing, elaborate ruses, fake outs and all sorts of diabolical scheming. Sitting at home sacrificing my summer watching someone being kind and good is my version of the ninth ring of hell. No thank you!

So, what do you guys think of Chuckles? Can you stomach an entire summer of this guy? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Derrick: A Carpet Fiber

First up today is 30 yr old married police officer Derrick Levasseur from Providence, Rhode Island. As it turns out, Derrick is a long time fan of Big Brother and is familiar with some of the online BB blogs. He made it onto the show the old-fashioned way by submitting a tape, telling Robyn Kass he's an MMA fan and actually applying. Derrick cites being on Big Brother as crossing off another bucket list item. Making a bucket list is something I've never done or ever considered doing. Do people really sit down, take pen to paper and write out a list? Or is it just something you say in a conversation...

"I was thinking of climbing Mt. Everest next year."
"Yeah, that's on my bucket list."
"Can I see your list?"
"Oh, it's not actually a physical list."
"But you just said it was on your bucket LIST."
"Yeah, but, you know, that's just something people say."

As someone who makes lists of EVERYTHING - books to read, make-up to buy, when my Neiman Marcus coupons expire, what I eat everyday - I'm making it a global rule that your bucket list must be a physical list that you can hold in your hand. Otherwise, it doesn't count and you're a liar liar pants on fire.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Getting back to Derrick... being a police officer gives him the distinct advantage of being able to read people, but if you'll remember, reality fans, that creature Sarah from Survivor Contagion was also a cop and her "reading people" skills ended at identifying other cops. It'll be interesting to see if Derrick, with a "ck," is able to suss out the liars from the truth tellers. You know what I'd like to see in the house one year? A psychic! Or a soothsayer. Maybe a necromancer. Would a psychic have an unfair advantage like, let's say, Elvira Reilly going into the pre-premiere vote with a built-in fan base? I'm not sure.

As Derrick continues to talk about his strategy of going with the house consensus and building an alliance, I noticed that I chipped one of my nails and nothing drives me more crazy than one icky nail among nine other perfect ones. Look, Derrick is perfectly nice and nothing stands out as really annoying, save that accent, but he's just so bland. He doesn't excite me or make me laugh. He doesn't inspire that competitive fire in my loins. He's a carpet fiber amongst millions of other carpet fibers. He's a doorknob. A welcome mat. There's nothing special here which means he'll probably last forever and bore me to tears. Fingers crossed for some late night frisking and cavity searches.

So what do you think of Derrick? Will being a cop work against him or give him an upper hand in the game. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Cody: Ho Hum Humdrum

Next up is 23 yr old Cody Calafiore from Howell, New Jersey and he has cleft chin. If you know anything about me - and you totally should! - then you know that my favorite movie of all time is Staying Alive. It's the story of a lad trying to make it as a star in the mean streets of New York City. He falls in and out of love easily and he knows, just knows, that he deserves much more out of life than he has been given so far. What, you may ask, does this have to do with Cody? *shrugs shoulders* Nothing really. His cleft chin just reminded of John Travolta in Staying Alive. What's it to you?!

So back to Cody... It turns out that he works for an "entertainment company" (sells pirate DVD's on the street corner) on the weekends and one day he bumped into a "casting guy" (Robyn Kass wearing a baseball cap). Bing, bang, boom, here he is as a BB16 cast member.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Cody started watching Big Brother during season 11 (the greatest season of all time) and is pretty familiar with the show. When asked what his favorite part of the game is, Cody replies, "The competitions. Yeah. Those are cool." When asked what he'll bring to the game that others won't, he replies, "Fun outgoing personality." And then he just sits there. A wordsmith he is not. He is also not a storyteller, not interesting, not funny and not charismatic. Hmm, I wonder if he IS anything. Let's press play again and see.

Cody IS boring and cookie cutter. He is also predictable, unoriginal, stale, mundane, tame and humdrum. Whew! Good! I was worried I was being too mean focusing on everything Cody isn't, but lookie there. I came up with a whole list of things he is. Yay me! See? I can totally be nice when I put my mind to it.

Strategy-wise, Cody is an all around wizard, "I know that being in a group can be, like, good." Tell us more, genius! "If you're like in a group of like four and you're the fourth one, that's like not beneficial." I don't know about you guys, but I'm like totally learning some fascinating things about the game here.

Let's be honest, this guy is a dud who was cast because someone somewhere thought he was cute. Maybe he'll surprise us all and turn into a strategic mastermind by the end of the summer. You never know. But one thing I do know is that this is the best ending to a movie ever. Please to enjoy:

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Christine: One Goofy Chick

Next up is married 23 yr old Christine Brecht from Tucson, Arizona and she's a barista! With an exclamation point. She turned in a video! Then she went to an open casting call! Christine lives in a world where everything is new and exciting. Her eyes get wide when she says things like "the" and the corners of her mouth reach back to her ears when she speaks about anything Big Brother related. She is one goofy chick. She's that friend you have who is always saying completely inappropriate stuff just a little too loud when you're at a restaurant. She's the stranger who stops to chat about how her second cousin once bought a head of lettuce almost exactly like the one you're about to buy. But with the geek chic glasses and the sleeve of tats, you wonder if maybe you two could get along. Maybe? But then one day she says, "Check out this rad move I can do on my skateboard." And that'll be the end of it. You'll never hang out with her again because it's just too much work pretending to be excited all the time.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

Strategically, Christine wants to have a secret two person alliance that lasts all the way until the final and a second bigger alliance where she can just "destroy" everyone one by one. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Christine has not only been to a Comic Con at some point in her life, but has dressed up while at said Comic Con.

On the plus side, Christine worst nightmare is being considered a floater. She fancies herself as a behind the scene manipulator. In addition, she wants to win the first HOH competition so that the HG's come to her wanting to form alliances. I have to say, that's probably the best reason I've heard for winning the first HOH.

And then Matt asked her a question that made my heart leap into my throat. He asked Christine what past player she'd like to play with. Was it a hint? Was it an innocent inquiry? I don't know, but I don't like it one bit! Just the mention of past players makes my nipples turn inward and hide. Worse still, she answered Dan. Gross.

All in all, Christine is a weird one. She's loud and she says whatever is on her mind without worrying about what anyone thinks. On the one hand, I admire that sort of carefree zest for life. On the other hand, it's all a little bit too embarrassing to be seen in public with. How she'll fare in the game is a complete mystery to me. She might be a decent player strategically, but if she can't manage to get an alliance behind her, I could see her being cut loose for interrupting every conversation talking about her comic book collection.

So, what do you guys think of Christine? Does she have a shot in hell to win this season? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Caleb: Tactical Error

Next up is 26 yr old Caleb Reynolds from Hopkinsville, Kentucky. Caleb is an Adventure Hunting Guide which probably means he shoots squirrels with a BB gun with a bunch of his gun-toting buddies. Or maybe not...

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

It turns out that Caleb has been "all over the world." For one, he's been to the Eye-Rack and was deployed for 14 months. He has also traveled back and forth between Texas and Kentucky because his parents are divorced. Now, if I pull out my trusty map of the world, Eye-Rack, Texas and Kentucky are 3 places out of like a million and isn't technically "all over the world." However, I'll let that slide because Caleb is freaking me the fuck out. His eyes turned black and he stared at the ground when he mentioned his time in the Eye-Rack. And when he spoke of his parents divorce it was as if he was challenging Matt to doubt him. He likes to bite his lower lip and hold his hand to the left side of his face just so. If I didn't know any better I'd say, HE'S TOTALLY SENDING A MESSAGE TO ABU NAZIR!

The PTSD wanes a bit when Caleb is asked about how he ended up on the show. He becomes charming and chatty as he tells the story of how he and a female friend were trying to get on The Amazing Race. It turns out that someone from Big Brother contacted him and said, "We like you, but we don't like your friend." Interesting. I like that forthrightness and honesty of his answer. Nothing drives me more nuts than when someone sugarcoats an answer in order to be polite. Long story short, I'm not the person to ask if you look fat in your outfit or if your dress is hideous. I will be brutally honest with you because A) I'm a horrible liar and B) You're better off having me save you from going out in public with back fat hanging out of your dowdy cocktail dress. I am simply doing the Lord's work and, apparently, so is Caleb.

When asked if he was a fan of Big Brother, Caleb admits to seeing it time and again, but it wasn't on his must-see list like Duck Dynasty or other "huntin'" shows are. You see, huntin' is Caleb's life. The lad likes to kill things. Pair that with his raging case of PTSD and you've got a recipe for danger. I'm telling you, he's got a dark side and we will see it at some point. I'm half excited and half worried for the other HG's safety. Alright, maybe 95% excited and 5% worried.

As far as strategy goes, Caleb has a bob, hook and sinker plan. It's some sort of fishin' metaphor that I can't quite grasp, but basically he'll be the bobber for a while and then the hooks, or maybe the sinkers, will do something and he'll come at them guns blazing (GUNS!) because they'll have targets (TARGETS!) on their backs. I have no idea what the hell he was talking about, but it all has to do with death and murder and I'm starting to get scared... and a little bit excited. Ok 2% scared and 98% excited.

I know you're all going to think I'm nuts, but I kind of like Caleb. He is going to be the one to watch for me only because I can see him going all Columbine on the house and smearing the other HG's blood on his face. Or maybe not. Maybe he'll just bash some guy's head against the wall a few times. Either or.

So what do you think of Caleb? What are the chances of him being removed from the house for putting someone's fingers down the garbage disposal? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Brittany: Ball Of Fire

Next up is 29 yr. old Event Coordinator Brittany Martinez. Brittany hails from Southern California which means she smells of that musky sweat-scented perfume, Recruit, by one Robyn Kass. Lots of jock strap top notes in that bouquet, let me tell ya. Anyhow, Brittany has 3 children. Considering she's only 29, I'm assuming her children are quite young. I always chuckle to myself when the mothers run away from their families to spend a summer on reality TV. It's as if Big Brother is one long Calgon moment for them.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

And, yup, I was right. I pressed play again on her video only to discover that she was indeed recruited just two weeks ago. Two weeks ago? Isn't that cutting it awfully close? Even stranger is how she says she was out for a drink with her girlfriends when some people at the next table overheard them talking and "got good vibes" from them. Was she talking about evicting one of her kids? Does her Baby Daddy's cooking taste like slop? When I hear stuff like this, it not only makes me incredibly nervous but it sort of explains the laziness of Big Brother over the past few years. I mean, how long has it been since we've had new Challenges? If the powers that be are still casting only days before sequester, you have to scratch your head and ask yourself what the hell they've been doing all year long.

Furthermore, Brittany has never watched a single episode of Big Brother, but she has been catching up on past seasons while in sequester and she is well aware that it's "not all fun and games." She also admits that, mentally, the game will break her down. I'm a little surprised to hear her say that as she appears incredibly confident and poised. She's far more mature than her 29 years which can probably be attributed to the fact that she became a mother at such a young age. She looks directly at Matt when speaking and is very at ease on camera which is the complete antithesis of Amber, whom we met earlier, who has zero charisma and fidgets a lot.

When asked what she'll bring to the house that makes her different, Brittany replies that she is both a ball of fun and a ball of fire. I'm inclined to believe her on the "ball of fire" part as she comes across incredibly no nonsense and straightforward. She is so at ease in front of the camera that I wouldn't be surprised if she majored in Broadcast Journalism or competed in pageants.

Unlike Amber, who has one of those wretched fly below the radar and never win a comp plans, Brittany opts to give it her all and try to win competitions. Good for you, Brittany! That's what we like to hear. If she has any physical prowess whatsoever, Brittany could be a force to be reckoned with. This girl is definitely leader material. I envision her kids having a Chore Wheel, a set in stone bedtime, and a dreary Time Out room that they're scared to death of. "No mommy, not the Time Out room! It's cold up there and it smells funny. The rats bite our toes and grandmother never lets us out into the sunlight."

So far, I like this one. I tend to lean towards the headstrong women who speak their mind, but what the hell do I know? I also thought GinaMarie had a brain in her head by her casting video last season. So, what do you guys think of Brittany? Will she be too strong and intimidate others? Will she play the single mother card to death? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Amber: Thumping Bore

As the great Angelina Jolie once said in her landmark role as Maleficent, "Well, well..." Here we are again meeting 16 shiny new faces. I repeat, 16 NEW FACES. You are ordered to dunk your tits in glitter repeatedly for that one, bitches. Thankfully, the rumor of an opposing team of craggly old weather-beaten veterans in bifocals returning to the house appears to be a ruse and aren't we all just a little bit happy about that? I don't know about you, but I'm resplendent. Alright kiddies, enough chitchat. Let's get this show on the road!

The first victim up is 26 yr. old Esthetician/Model Amber Borzotra from Knoxsville, TN. However, she lives in North Hollywood which tells us that she is a recruit. What also tells us that she is a recruit is the fact that she is not all that familiar with Big Brother, but she's just dying to get her hands on those competitions! When asked what quality she'll bring to the house that separates her from others, Amber replies, "Just a positive, you know, bubbly..." and then I nodded off and hit my head on the glass table. Ouch Amber, ouch! Not nice.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

In addition to being bubbly and effervescent, Amber intends to steer clear of the cattiness that sometimes runs amok in the Big Brother house because she doesn't like confrontation. She'd rather sit and talk it out. Oh Amber. Oh silly pretty Amber. *sharpens blade* In addition to holding Feeling Circles and crafting a Talking Stick out of some of that charred wood in the Fire Bedroom, Amber also plans on throwing competitions so the rest of the house doesn't see her as threat. *stabs self in the temple... twice* No, no, no. Bzzz! Gank! Zrrrp! Throwing competitions is a sin around these parts, Amber, and for that (and the fact that you're a thumping bore), I don't think I care for you at all.

Amber has some more cockamamie ideas about teaming up with women and having a small alliance, but, quite frankly, this girl has no idea what she's getting herself into. I don't expect much of anything from Amber in the way of drama and/or strategy. I'm sure she's a very lovely girl in the real world, but in the world of Big Brother, she's one of those Houseguest's you forget the second they're evicted.

So, what do we think of Amber? Are those fake contacts she's wearing? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Big Brother House Revealed!

Glamour seems to have once again eluded the Big Brother interior decorators. Just once I'd love a Kelly Wearstler feast for the eyes or some Martyn Lawrence-Bullard decadence. Instead they give us a DIY looking we-used-a-lot-of-mod-podge grotesque nod to nature and the four elements. *sigh* Oh well. Let's get down to business...

First up we have the Fire Bedroom which is nothing more than a primary color assault on the eyes. Cheap carpet tiles coupled with bedspreads worthy of a Spencer's Gifts and silly charred wood on the wall isn't winning Production Designer Scott Storey his own show on HGTV anytime soon. It is neither spooky nor warm. How Storey managed to make fire appear so cold and frigid is a mystery to me.

Next up is the Earth Bedroom. All I have to say is, "What in the sam hell is this mess?!" Earth?! What earth? Inner earth? The earth with lots of plywood? When I think of Earth I don't think of a cave. I think of rich auburns and greens, textures, plant life. Storey apparently thinks of spelunking.

Next we have the Hive, where HG's will gather, gossip and backstab. Unfortunately for them, they'll be doing it in the most uncomfortable room known to man. Gone are the fluffy pillows and cushioned seating. In their place are plywood boxes and carpet as cushions.

And here we have the bathroom which might be the most tolerable room in the house with its aqua and white color palette. However, that floor is hideous. Did they have a sale on carpet tiles last month? At least the pervs will be happy to note that the see-through showers are back. All the better for catching a nip slip. Don't drop the soap, Houseguests!

Next we have the Hallway which is really freaking ugly. Moving on...

This year's Kitchen features a hydroponic garden on the wall that grows various lettuces and herbs. In other words, the ants will get a tasty treat. Most noticeable here is the Memory Wall which now features 2, count 'em TWO, LCD screens. Ooooh ahhh what could that mean? I think it means we've got competing teams. Is it a Fans v. Favorites season? Is it Blood v. Water? Will the screens feature two HOH's? Are they getting Tyra Mail this year? I don't know! But it sure does give you the tingles, doesn't it?

This view of the Kitchen is icky for a lack of a better word. The counter space is all but nonexistent and the island seems awkwardly placed.

Upstairs outside of the HOH room, we find the Treehouse. While the idea may be cute, the house is completely devoid of comfort. The picnic tables and benches provide yet more hard surfaces to sit on. I mean, come on! Give the poor HG's a bloody comfy chair or something!

The Living Room/Couches provide the only semi-comfortable seating I can find, but it's in that awful Jonathan Adler-esque mid century modern that's so hot right now. Personally, I don't get the appeal of it. It reminds me of the Brady house, but, hey, at least it's cushioned!

And there you have it. Noticeably absent is the HOH Room. Will there be TWO rooms? Are they still building it? Is Tyra staying in the house? I don't know! Stay tuned...

And I'll see you back here tomorrow for my scathing first impressions of all the new knuckleheads.

All photos courtesy of CBS and "borrowed" from The Hollywood Reporter.