Friday, July 19, 2013

Ahummina Hummina

The Reign of Terror has come to a close. We can pack up the guillotine and roll Jeremy's head into the nearest ditch. Fare thee well cocksure dandy with the slicked back hair. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon karate chopped you out of the house (Was that racist? I can't tell anymore.) and in her place now sits an incoherent good ole country boy. With ears pressed firmly against speakers, we'll try to decipher his gibberish and make English out of it. We'll try to take "ahummina hummina" and form it into "My name is J-U-DD and I'll be your HOH this week." We may not always succeed, but we'll do our best. Let's recap, shall we?

So the big oily bohunk Asshat (Jeremy) is out of the house. In his wake, we find a soggy pair of eyebrows and her young Aryan friend. Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan, dressed like Venetian courtesans waiting for gondola to pick them up, commiserate and speculate on what this coming week means for them. Aryan is sure she will be a target while Eyebrows thinks the house might go after Howard instead. Speaking of Eyebrows, she's not all that broken up about Asshat leaving. In fact, she thinks she has a much better chance of getting farther in this game without him in there pissing everyone off. She thinks Asshat made the game too serious.

Elsewhere, Howard and Candice are busy whispering about what the new twist could be. Candice thinks someone could be voted back in. Hearing this, Howard tells her that they'll just vote whomever it is back out again. Little do they know that the twist is simply a surefire way to get Aryan on the block. Let's face it, after weeks of "this girl is a wicked racist" clips, there is no way she won't end up on the block. Unless of course you try to pull a trick like I did last night and tell everyone to vote Elvira (Elissa) for MVP. I figure the Elvira fans probably aren't all that intelligent and upon seeing the words and "Elissa" and "MVP" they'd start click, click, clicking away. If this whole MVP thing can't be fair, then it needs to go away once and for and all. Looking back over the weeks, doesn't it piss you off that Elvira has essentially handpicked each and every person who has been evicted? It's as if she scrunches up her face, points her finger at someone and says, "You! Hnmm mnmm. I don't like you. Go home. Hnmm mnmm." It's completely ridiculous!

Candice and Howard aren't the only ones speculating about the twist. Amanda and McCrae are also busy coming up with theories. Amanda wonders if maybe the last evicted person gets to pick an MVP since Elvira wins it all the time while McCrae thinks it might be a Coup D'etat. Elvira enters the Lounge Area and Amanda wastes no time pouncing on her. Amanda asks her who she would put up for MVP and Elvira says Aryan, Spencer or Howard. Amanda poo-poo's Aryan and Spencer and is insistent that they backdoor Howard this week. She says Howard has sworn on the Bible and lied, he has thrown competitions and is now using his race to win the game. That last part might tick some people off, but if you'll remember Howard's pre-season interviews, all he talked about was being the first African American to win the game. It is something extremely important to him and, with all the race scandal this season, I'm sure it's even more important than ever before.

Meanwhile, Jessie is busy whispering in J-U-DD's ear, "Eyebrows, Eyebrows, Eyebrows!" She hates that wicked bully Eyebrows and wants to her to go home this week. When making her case to J-U-DD, Jessie points out that they're running out of men in the game. She says they need to get rid of a girl this week. The idea of being stuck in the house with a gaggle of girls doesn't exactly appeal to Mr. J-U-DD. He likes having some boys around to bond with. On the other hand, he worries that putting up two girls will make the other girls in the house mad at him. What to do, what to do!

What to do, indeed! Well, here comes Amanda to tell you what to do. The plan is to backdoor Howard. She wants J-U-DD to put up a combo like Eyebrows and Spencer because then Elvira will nominate Aryan with her MVP (this could still happen if America votes how I think they will). It is too risky to put up VaGina immediately because she's not strong enough to win POV and remove herself from the block. J-U-DD listens to all this and replies "shjfdyudos husoafydoi hdoftjer." I believe that translates to, "I'll think about it. We have time." Well, this doesn't pacify Amanda in the least. She is incredibly worried about dumb ass mistakes being made this week that could keep Howard in the game. Not only does Howard have Candice and Spencer on his side, but he's been targeting Amanda for weeks now. She stresses how it is much more beneficial to the group to get rid of Howard instead of Aryan. Plus, Elvira screwed up the MVP last week by putting up Spencer so what doesn't say she'll screw it up again this week?

Speaking of Elvira, J-U-DD tells her that Amanda is worried she won't work with the alliance when choosing her MVP nominee. Elvira gnaws on a chunk of her hair and whines, "I'm like soooo nervous hnmm mnmm." Elvira is all freaked out that something will be unleashed on the house. J-U-DD tells her not to worry and that she's definitely not going on the block. Again, Elvira replies, "I'm sooo nervous." J-U-DD cocks his head and looks at her, "What are you not telling me?" Elvira stammers and the feeds cut. (A little side note here: I think Elvira knows about this week's twist. Late last night in the wee hours of the morn, many Houseguests made comments about how weird Elvira has been all day and how she always gets called into the DR right before the live show.) When the feeds come back we can hear Elvira say, "I'm excited. This is so much fun. I need to workout. I feel weird. Hnmm mnmm." Dude, don't feel weird. You are weird!

And this is where I fell asleep.

But! I woke up in time to catch a drunk J-U-DD. If you thought he was incoherent sober, then you haven't heard him drunk. Instead of mumbles, words get chewed. They get mashed and stuck in his cheeks. All that comes out is something like "svrmmmmmhu heh." Spencer thinks it's hysterical while Amanda keeps asking, "What? What was that?" J-U-DD walks in and out of rooms for most of the rest of the night. He flergles and klarps. He sheeshes and gorts.

What I'm able to gather from it all is that the plan is to nominate Eyebrows and VaGina. Elvira's target is Aryan. Jessie's target is Eyebrows. Amanda's target is Howard. Andy, Amanda and McCrae think Elvira is a robotic freak and Spencer likes Jessie's ass. What we don't know, because we haven't constructed a primer to decode it yet, is who J-U-DD's target is. We know for sure it's not Spencer. He's J-U-DD's best good friend and wants him to stick around.

So, what do you think of our new HOH? Can you understand a damn thing he says? Who do you think America will nominate? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Hurry up and get your live feeds! The season passes will be gone on Monday!

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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Star-Crossed Gropers

The timeless tale of tragic love. Lovers meet under unusual circumstances only to be torn apart by a motormouth prancersizer. Their time running out like sands through the hourglass brings them all the more close together. Legs intertwined, ringworm spreading, kisses stolen poolside, that familiar burn when you pee... ah, romance! And as with all great romantic stories, our hero must either die like Jack did in Titanic or be sent home in shame with only a rash to remind him of all he has lost. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll begin our day with the POV Ceremony. POV winner, Eyebrows (Kaitlin), has decided to use the POV on herself which, unfortunately, means her bohunk boyfriend Asshat (Jeremy) is now on the block. This was HOH Helen's diabolical plan this whole time - to backdoor Asshat. After the ceremony we find the two lovers in a warm embrace. Eyebrows has plastered blood red kisses on his face - See that Jessie? He's hers, not yours! - as the two coo and sigh. Asshat tells her that this is the end of his Big Brother season... THIS season. Eyebrows gazes up at Asshat and says, "You'll try out again next season!" Asshat shakes his head, "If they want me, they'll call me and ask me." 

Here's the thing, Asshat is a douche canoe. We all know this, BUT I am not ready for him to leave yet. He is a large arrogant personality who can be trusted to bicker with someone at least once a day and I would hate to lose that so early in the game. If I had it my way, I'd like Spencer to go this week. Yes, that means Aryan can stick around to. You know how I love myself some drama. I can't have all the shit stirring people going home before Jury!

Downstairs in the Storage Room we find Elvira (Elissa) and Amanda having a quick meeting. Amanda says it is annoying how Helen keeps offering protection to people. She made a deal with Eyebrows and now that she's removed herself from the block, the others aren't allowed to go after her next week. Elvira nods and agrees, "We can't keep promising everyone protection." Amanda tells Elvira that Helen is making Elvira do her bidding. Elvira insists that Helen isn't. She has no intention of continuing to be the middle man as the game goes on. 

Up in the HOH we find VaGina (GinaMarie) and Candice. Take a wild guess what they're talking about. Yup, Nick! Again! Candice is trying to explain to VaGina how The Moving Company fell apart. VaGina listens and shakes her head to herself. Lately, she's been getting the impression from Aryan that she either never liked Nick or has something to tell her about Nick. Uh yeah. Aryan really wants to tell you how you're being completely psychotic about a guy who never liked you. VaGina then starts quoting Roxette... it must have been love, but it's over now

Out in the backyard, Asshat and Amanda are talking about the whole racism fight the other night. Asshat firmly believes that it was all blown out of proportion. Amanda says that she was really snippy that day and was getting sick and tired of people picking on Jessie. She says that she wasn't even the first person to bring up the racism stuff (she's referring to the DR). Asshat shrugs his shoulders, "Who knows how people are being portrayed?" Amanda replies, "I know." Asshat laughs at her assuredness. Amanda says they ask her about the racism stuff all the time in the DR. Big Brother then comes on the loud speaker, "Amanda, you are not allowed to talk about your Diary Room sessions." Andy then interrupts and says that Amanda is really bad about talking about production. She asks, "Am I?" Andy says yes and that he is too. He says he's waiting for the day when they both get penalty nominations. 

A little later on we find Asshat in the pool. Candice is lying nearby with Amanda and Aryan reclining on the opposite end. The discussion turns to the votes for Bouffant (David). Asshat insists that he voted for Bouffant to stay (he did), but Candice doesn't believe him. Asshat again says he voted for Bouffant and Candice will be embarrassed when she finally sees the tapes. He'll be waiting for her phone call where she apologizes to him. He then accuses Candice of calling out Amanda and McCrae (I have no idea where this came from). Candice leaps up off the side of the pool and straight into the water. She screams at Asshat, "Don't you lie on me! Don't you lie on me!" She then swims over to Aryan and says that it was Nick she was calling out, not Amanda.

Candice finally steps out of the pool and lies back down in her spot. Asshat can't let the outburst go though. He is the one of those last word people... he always has to have it. Splashing in the water, Asshat begins to chuckle to himself. It's incredibly condescending and you just kind of want to hold his under the water until he's a bloated corpse. Asshat continues to laugh and says he can't believe how upset Candice got. Candice then the one thing she doesn't like is when people call her a liar. Asshat snaps, "You're just mad cuz you got called out." Candice shoots up again, "CALLED OUT ON WHAT?!" Asshat continues to laugh at her. Candice tells him she is a loyal person and that no one was loyal to Asshat which is why he's going home. Asshat replies, "I'm going home because I'm a champ and you'll be going home next because you can't control your emotions." The scene ends with Asshat singing 'Cry Me A River'.

The camera switches to Aryan and Jessie, but we've missed the beginning of the conversation. All I'm able to catch is that they're talking about Eyebrows. Jessie is 100% sure if Eyebrows win the next HOH, she's going up on the block. 

The lazy afternoon continues which brings on the rumblings of a Nail Party. *sigh* Helen wants to have a Nail Party up in the HOH with all the girls. Nothing sounds like a more miserable idea than a party thrown by Helen. It wouldn't be a party, it would be a team building exercise with a Power Point presentation. Amanda, too, wants no part of the party. She's on slop and really doesn't want to watch a bunch of girls much on goodies. Personally, I skipped the party and got all caught up on The Killing. But this morning catching up on BBAD, I see that Asshat crashed the party.

Apparently, Asshat invited himself to the party and people were annoyed. By people, I mean Jessie. She hates breathing the same air Asshat does and she just wants to be left alone by him and his skanky girlfriend. Andy was also at the party because, well, he's Andy! He's everywhere. The discussion turned to first kisses and Jessie said that her first kiss was in a boy's bathroom. Andy shouted, "Ho!" and Eyebrows started laughing really loud. Well, this infuriates Jessie. She storms out of the nail party and outside where Amanda and McCrae are lying on the hammock withering away from hunger. 

Jessie puts her hands on her hips and tells them she is so sick of Eyebrows being mean to her. I don't know if Eyebrows' laugh was full of shrapnel or what, but Jessie is super pissed off about it. She jumps from person to person telling them that Eyebrows laughed SO hard. Mind you, she's not mad at Andy for calling her a ho, she's mad at Eyebrows for bumping uglies with Asshat. Word eventually gets back to Eyebrows who thinks this is all so ridiculous. Andy suggests that Eyebrows apologize to Jessie. Instead Eyebrows bitches and moans to Asshat about how ridiculous Jessie is. Asshat tells Eyebrows that Jessie will always have a problem. Then he smiled to self and somewhere a puppy got run over by a truck.

So that's that! Do you think there is any way to save Asshat? Could the house flip at the last minute? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
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Monday, July 15, 2013

People Are People

The slow torture of waiting for the guillotine to fall is worse than the blade itself. Just do it already, we cry. End the agony of this "People's HOH". The holding hands, the kumbayas, the sharing circles and trust exercises. No Helen, no, I will not do team building activities with you. I will not sign the "Big Brother is for friends" contract. Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. I, however, would like to bring evil back. This is me kicking you in the ass, Helen, and right out the door. Let's recap, shall we?

The people, the people. The people are idiots. The people keep voting Elvira (Elissa) MVP. And now, after that barbaric edit last night, the people will probably find a way to reward this, our "People's HOH". If you are a CBS-only viewer, know that Amanda orchestrated the demise of The Moving Company not Helen. Amanda worked tirelessly while Helen sat around thinking Spencer and Howard were the two most trustworthy men on the planet. A story is being carefully crafted on that there television, a highly fictional story.

We begin yesterday with Jessie. Sad, lonely spinster Jessie. Now that she has left that horrible "cool people" alliance, she is surrounded by friends and people who will stand up for her. She has found herself a backbone. A very whiny backbone. Seeing Asshat (Jeremy) outside, Jessie approaches him and wants to know why he is mad at her. If anyone should be mad at anyone, it is she who should be mad at him. Asshat scratches himself and moans about he is angry because he truly deserves to stay in the game. No one else is as driven as he is. No one else plays as hard as he does. No one else had their alliance so spectacularly detonated. Jessie replies, "I don't think you deserve to be here." Asshat tells her that all he's been doing in playing the game and any rational person would see that, out of anyone, he absolutely deserves to be there.

The incredibly infantile conversation continues with Jessie telling Asshat that he lied to her face. Asshat says, "I never lied. I withheld information." Jessie continues, "I've heard about everything you've been saying about me. About how you told people you had me in your pocket." Asshat tells her that he never said that (he did) and that she's going to feel pretty stupid when she watches the tapes (she will, but for different reasons entirely). The two continue to bicker because Jessie simply won't let it drop. She is desperate for an apology, but Asshat has no intention whatsoever of giving her one. Finally, she ends the conversation by telling him how obvious it is that he has no respect for me (yup, or any other woman for that matter).

Oh, but Jessie isn't done. She marches upstairs to the People's HOH and tells everyone that there is no way she'll be friends with Asshat when the show is all said and done. She'll be friends with everyone else, but not him. He doesn't respect her.

Hearing this sets off our one and only People's HOH, Helen. Helen explodes into a lengthy anti-Asshat rant that elevated to eardrum piercing decibels. She begins to pace around the room shrieking about how Asshat doesn't deserve to make $1 from Big Brother. She hollers, "America wants him to go home!" Jessie sits pouting in the corner and mumbles, "I'm so glad he never won any money. Helen then shouts to a camera in the corner, "You know what you get to leave with? A Never-Not pass!" Meanwhile, Andy sits on the bed horrified by the lunacy Helen is displaying. He stares blankly into the distance and for once, for once!, he is actually stunned into silence.

But Helen isn't done yet. She isn't even close to done. With the adrenaline and endorphins kicking in, Helen marches up to a camera and begins to yell at Asshat's mother about how what a jerk her son is. Jessie once again grumbles, "I can't understand how Eyebrows (Kaitlin) can overlook what a jerk he is." It is obvious that Jessie is still extremely bitter that Asshat chose Eyebrows over her. Bu we can't dwell on that now because Helen is still hollering up a storm and assaulting an innocent camera. "Go sail on your South American cruise with a Never-Not pass! Have fun!" She then leans in closer to the camera, "America, I hope you're rooting for us. Mrs. Asshat, your son wasted a lifetime opportunity. I gave him a thousand chances. Unfortunately, he's just a jerk!"

And downstairs, in the kitchen, Asshat chuckles to himself. He can hear Helen screaming his name over and over up in the HOH room. That is how loud she was screaming. What a psycho.

Elsewhere in another room covered in tears and farts, Eyebrows is whining to Aryan about how what she is going through this week has never happened on Big Brother before. She is making Big Brother history. Apparently, production has told Eyebrows that a lover has never replaced another lover o the block and then backdoored out of the game. I have no idea why this is even significant, but they told it to Eyebrows and now she is simultaneously thrilled and depressed. She is thrilled she'll go down in some nonexistent Big Brother World's Record book and she is depressed her bohunk boyfriend is leaving.

Aryan listens to all of this and asks, "So, are you thinking of not using the POV?" LOL Aryan's dream is to have Eyebrows leave so she can Asshat all to herself. Eyebrows tells Aryan that she will absolutely use the POV because she doesn't want to go home. She tells Aryan that they should be OK for a few weeks because the other side is targeting the men, not them. Aryan mumbles in that scratchy monotone voice of hers, "We need to win HOH." She says that she knows she has to work with the other side, but she will never put Eyebrows or VaGina (GinaMarie) up on the block no matter how much the other side wants her to.

Aryan then wonders if Eyebrows and Asshat are falling in love. Eyebrows sighs and says, "I don't know. That word really scares him." Eyebrows pouts some more and wonders how badly Big Brother will milk her emotional turmoil on TV this week. On the outside she may be pouting, but on the inside she is beaming. Aryan stares at her silently before asking Eyebrows if she told the people upstairs that she didn't want to have anything to do with Aryan because of her negativity. Eyebrows shakes her head vigorously, "That's not true. I never said that." Oh yes, she did. We even played a clip on the last episode of the Big Brother Gossip Show. Aryan drops it and says that if VaGina doesn't shut up about Nick, she could find herself a target soon. Eyebrows nods before stealing away to the inner recesses of her mind and planning her outfit for Asshat's eviction.

Upstairs in the HOH, we find Spencer trying to convince a room full of people that he never wanted to get rid of them. He tells them that he's tearing his chest open for them and he's back to square one now. Back in the olden timey days when he lied and manipulated them all, he didn't really mean it. Plus, it made him feel icky inside. Listening to this J-U-DD mumbles, I woulda joined yer alliance if Nick was nice to me." This has been a recurring theme all day with J-U-DD. The poor guy is a little miffed that he was never invited in the MC. But when he sits and rolls around the idea of the MC in his head, he decides that maybe it's better not to have been invited in. Look at the MC now. They're all going home!

Elsewhere, Andy is raping Eyebrows with his voice. He rapes everyone with his voice. You can shout no, but he'll just ignore you. He'll keep thrusting and thrusting his words into your face and there's nothing you can do about it. Today, he is checking in with Eyebrows to make sure she will use her POV to take herself off the block. He tells her that if she doesn't, she is going home. He tells her that when Asshat leaves, Eyebrows should take that opportunity to get her head in the game. He says he can tell that she is a good person and kind hearted (no, she's not). If anyone knows everything about everything, it's Andy. Eyebrows squinches up her face and replies, "This is going to be Big Brother history. By the way, when are we getting rid of Aryan?" Andy tells her she'll be going soon. This pleases Eyebrows. It pleases her almost as much as making Big Brother history.

And there you have it. It wasn't a terribly exciting day yesterday with Helen pontificating hither and thither. And I'm not really sure why Asshat dressed up as a baby while campaigning. *shrugs shoulders*

So, is Helen driving you nuts yet? How unfair was that edit last night? Would you like to see Asshat somehow save himself and Aryan go home instead? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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