Thursday, September 5, 2013

Fare Thee Well

In 1374 Geoffrey Chaucer wrote that, "All good things must come to an end." Like the way of Celebrity Mole, Paradise Hotel and Temptation Island, Amanda's masterful reign on the Big Brother house is finally coming to its premature end. She gave us strategy, sex, titties, love, fights, tears, more fights, more tears, Granny, a genius idea for a t-shirt (I'm A Victim), whispers, scandal, rumors (all false), arguments and entertainment. Love her or hate her, Amanda is what Big Brother fans pine for. She was never boring, always unpredictable and deliciously unaware that a large number of cameras were following her around all summer long. Amanda made the game fun and the audience completely psychotic. Never has a houseguest been more controversial or more talked about than Amanda Zuckerman. Let's recap, shall we?

Truth be told, I haven't been watching much of the feeds lately. When the numbers dwindle and the likelihood that a completely undeserving player could possibly win the game, one suddenly finds themselves preoccupied with alphabetizing their can goods and catching up on all those shows they've been DVRing all summer long. But, as luck would have it, I did manage to catch one final Amanda blowout last night. Only, oddly enough, Amanda didn't start this one. Rather, a little orange thing with a limited vocabulary and a hankering for purging started it.

All was calm and peaceful in the Big Brother house. Amanda was preparing stuffed peppers for dinner while VaGina (GinaMarie) was readying herself for a game of Jenga. Elvira (Elissa) was sleeping soundly in her bed as the boys were making obscene figurines with their Play-Doh (I totally made this up. The boys are boring and it's up to me to breathe life into them.) Then, Amanda suddenly gets called to the Diary Room...

When Amanda returns to the kitchen to finish up her peppers, she asks the room if Elvira is down for the night. VaGina replies with something like, "It's my fuckin' toe yo an' the bed. I's tolds her she can lay down." Just like you, I have no idea what any of that meant. Anyhow, Amanda smiles to herself and goes back to stuffing her peppers. Hold onto your clit rings because that smile is much too much for VaGina to handle...

VaGina: "What's so funny?"
Amanda: "Nothing."
"I's gots my toe and then the fuckin' bed. I dunno if maybe you heard somethin' diff'ren'"
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I just got out of the Diary Room."
"Why youse fuckin' smirkin'?"
"Wow. You've been in a mood all day."
"My toe an' fuckin' yo muthafucka in tha bed an' Nick an' I's Sta'en Islan' yo!"
"I don't know why you're telling me this. I just got out of a great Diary Room session."
"An' this little piggy went to fuckin' market an' this one went to me an' Nick's house."
"I have no idea why you're telling me this. I don't care."
"You're bein' fuckin' smart an' smirkin'!"
"I just got out of the Diary Room! I don't care!"
"I'm not fuckin' stupid! (Yes she is) The second I said somethin' about a bed you smirked. You think I'm stupid."
"I would never say that about you, VaGina."
"Jus' like you say I make myself throw up."
"Aryan was the one who was saying that."
"Keep tellin' yourself that. I got sick from fuckin' twice from fuckin' slop."
"I think your best friend Aryan was going around telling people that you were throwing up."
"Because I gots sick from fuckin' slop."
"I think you want to fight with somebody. I don't really want to fight with you."
"Keep tellin' yourself that too."
"I really don't want to fight with you."
"It keeps goin' around and nows I's gots to speak to a fuckin' psychiatrist."

And then we get FISH. First off, I have no idea what the hell VaGina is talking about. And secondly, Amanda was smiling at something she was recalling from her Diary Room session. it had nothing to do with VaGina and her urge to purge. It is all extremely strange and, thankfully, not even close to being over...

When the feeds return Amanda tells VaGina that she's going home tomorrow so there is no reason for VaGina to worry about anything. VaGina replies, "I got HOH and you didn't!" Amanda says, "You did a good job. You got rid of me." VaGina then continues to mumble insults into her bag of Jenga pieces. She tells the pieces that Amanda hops into bed with people.

VaGina then turns her focus to McCrae and how Amanda has been using him the throughout the whole game. Meanwhile, McCrae - sad sack of manlessness - sits quietly pouting into his Play-Doh. VaGina continues her mumbles until - FINALLY! - Amanda can't take it anymore and she fights back...

"Sucks for you, right? You're in love with somebody you know nothing about. You're going to be sadly mistaken. You're psychotic. That's how you're portrayed in this house. As a psycho. Why don't you sleep in your bed with your Nick shrine?" (Ha!)
"An' you're a fuckin' dirty dirtbag hoo-er!" (She means whore, but she said hoo-er.)
"I'm a whore who'd been with the same guy all summer."
"Who's wearing the fuckin' HOH robe? I am!" (Actually, she wasn't wearing it at all.)
"Honey, you don't have any power anymore."

And then something strange happens. VaGina puts on a doofus sort of a voice and starts to spontaneously clap. J-U-DD laughs quietly to himself while Andy sits and contemplates his drinking straw. Amanda watches it all laughing to herself before announcing, "A 33 year old woman!" VaGina then goes into a fit of spasms where she brays and convulses like an epileptic donkey. Amanda can't help herself and cracks up in response. 

VaGina: "You're a fuckin' psychotic bitch!"
Amanda: "Good. I'm glad you think that."
"I'm not on medication and you are! And you probably sleep with guys for money too because you fuck a guy every other week. I've probably had 4 boyfriends my whole fuckin' life."
"Yeah, because no one is stupid enough to date you! Because you're crazy."
"That's why you used McCrae this whole fucking game."
"How did I use McCrae?"
"You just used him."
"How did I use him, 33 year old mature adult woman?"
"Well, you just used him."
"Good response!"

VaGina continues her nonsensical babbling. It's a mixture of whoop whoop's with sprinkles of "That's how we roll." It is all incredibly deranged and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And when VaGina is ever at a loss for words she begins to hurl personal insults at Amanda. In not so many words, VaGina starts to call Amanda ugly. 

Naturally, this makes Amanda laugh so she marches over to the Memory Wall and points to Nick's photo, "This guy, this gorgeous guy right here, wanted you GONE." VaGina then accuses Amanda of trying to hook up with Nick (What?! LOL). Amanda replies, "He slept with a pillow between you and a hoodie on, you fucking psycho!"

The fight continues for what seems like an eternity. Cries of "Yeast infection!" are mingled in with "Cellulite!" while all the while, the boys sit somberly looking at their own hands. At one point the girls come face to face with one another until J-U-DD finally gets out of his seat and breaks it up. 

Amanda finally walks away and heads to the Have-Not room. I wondered for a second if the things that VaGina said to her were beginning to bother her. It wasn't until McCrae entered that we all learned what was really upsetting Amanda. It was McCrae! Her spineless pussy boyfriend.

Ladies, gather around. If someone is attacking you and saying vile things about you in front of your boyfriend, would you expect him to defend your honor? Hell yes, you would! If anyone called me names, criticized my looks or made fun of me in front of my boyfriend and he sat there quietly kneading Play-Doh with his hands, that guy would no longer be my boyfriend. When Amanda brings this up to McCrae, his only response is that this isn't real life. It's a game. His reply doesn't satisfy Amanda one bit. In fact, it makes her reconsider her entire relationship with McCrae. She tells him she wants a man to stand up for her. She doesn't want a 14 year old boy who sits quietly while she's being verbally assaulted by an oompah loompah. 

As Amanda is often wont to do, she pushes the issue ad nauseam hoping that something, anything, will sink into McCrae's pussy mind. Amanda laments about how she didn't even do anything to VaGina yet VaGina kept degrading her while McCrae sat by in silence, "There's a point where you have to be a man and stand up for me! You were just sitting there like a big pussy!" Amanda asks him, "You love me yet you're going to sit there and let her calling me a fucking whore?" Hate Amanda all you want, but she makes a good point. I don't know of any guy that would let the lady he loves endure that sort of name calling without stepping in and standing up for her.

The last I saw of the ordeal was McCrae being consoled by his sewing circle of pussy friends - J-U-DD, Andy and Spencer. They all just sort of shuffled their feet and stared at the floor. But tomorrow, they start on a new quilt! 

And that's where I'll end this today. Sadly, Amanda will be going home tonight and she'll most likely take all the drama of the house with her. It is no secret I supported Amanda and I never had any delusions that she might win, but I did hope she would have lasted to final four. The final four that we'll probably end up with is shudder inducing. It's icky and depressing to think about. 

So, will you miss Amanda's shenanigans? Who do you want evicted right after her during the double eviction tonight? Could VaGina actually win this game? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
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Sunday, September 1, 2013

What A Surprise Dot Com

In case you missed the Big Brother Gossip Show last night, you can check it out on iTunes (search "Big Brother Gossip" and click on the effeminate lilac icon) or catch it HERE

In addition to our unbiased and impartial (Ha!) analysis of the house tomfoolery, we awarded two lucky winners... TWO!... with official Big Brother t-shirts. And after all of our usual hijinks and comedic genius was said and done, Mike (@BBGossip) gave yours truly an amazing surprise that affects this here little bloggy blog. The rascal actually almost made me cry, but I did the pageant fanning the face thing and kept my tears at bay. It was very Gracie Lou Freebush.

Agree or disagree, snarl or cheer, but always have a good time and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS dunk your tits in glitter. 

I anticipate a slow week ahead of us in the house, but I'll try to pop in around Tuesday or so with a blog update. Thanks again everyone for listening! And if you haven't yet, what are you waiting for, heathens?!