Saturday, July 2, 2011

A Noodle In Your BB13 Kaboodle

Before you fire up the grill, spread macaroni salad all over your naked body and wrap the neighbors cat in fireworks, don't forget to get those Big Brother 13 Live Feeds! Time is running out bitches - like sands through the hourglass - and you don't want to find yourself next Thursday saying, "Oh shit. I knew I forgot to do something!"

Click on the link, get it over with and then go have yourselves a kickass holiday weekend. Just remember though, a noodle stuck in your kaboodle is no fun for anyone. Wash yourselves thoroughly. And, if you shove a firework up a bodily orifice, send me a photo of the aftermath. Thank you.

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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Shelly: Coifing It

Last one! Shelly Moore is a 41 year old Corporate Executive from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She's incredibly tan and likes to talk a lot with her hands. I think I'll refer to her hair as a "coif" - it's a Meg Ryan coif. Nothing wrong with that. Ms. Shelly loves herself some Big Brother and it's sort of precious the way her eyes light up when talking about the show. On my gut instinct, I like her. She puts her whole body into whatever she's saying and she's got a nice throaty voice with a southern drawl - I wonder if she's a smoker.

Her plan is to be classy with a sprinkle of ruthlessness. How about ruthless with a sprinkle of classy? That's sounds more my style.

Shelly's got a big personality and I'll bet she's one of those people who approaches life with excitement and fervor. She's what I might call a "tough broad". There's not much for me to pick on here. I mean, she seems like a nice lady. I dig her enthusiasm. My only real concern is who she teams up with. We've all heard the rumors and let's just say I can see her teaming up with a certain duo and then never leaving their side for the rest of the game. That would be a tragedy for Shelly... at least on this blog it would be. I don't play fair. I will judge you for who you team up with. It's part of my charm.

My hopes for Shelly is that she plays her own game and doesn't fall for the rusty remnants of star power she'll be confronted with. Only time will tell...

Let's check out her CBS video:

What do you guys think? She's definitely not bland. I think there's something there. Do you agree? Disagree? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thanks to everyone who's been supporting this blog. Every click helps. You guys rock my world.

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Porsche: Nothin' Special

Porsche Briggs is a 23 year old cocktail waitress from Florida and is, for some reason, named after a car. I can't take her seriously when all I'm wondering is "Did her parents name her that? Is she considering a career in porn?" I'm going to be really honest here, I'm watching her video and hoping that those ruffles on her shirt come to life and strangle her. I'd like little tiny yellowing claws to jut out of that blouse and pierce her jugular. Just a nick. That's all I need. Just one really quick swipe and then she'll be out of my life forever.

Look, I don't care who she's friends with or what movie star she's dated, I don't like her. Maybe it's because she's following the scrumptious Lawon or maybe it's because she seems really really fucking boring. If you say Daniele Donato is your favorite Houseguest, I simply have to assume you're just not very bright. Daniele Donato was a whiny little snot who gave us nothing but booty shorts and Uggs.

It's not all a lost cause for Miss Chevrolet though. She could team up with some of the people I'm rooting for or possibly get rid of some of the unsavory returning characters I hate. That would win her some points with me, but on first impressions - eh. I'm not feeling it at all. Nothing sparkles here. Nothing stands out. She's cute, but that's not enough.

I kind of want to cruise (car joke intended) through this one and move on:

What do you guys think? Does anything about her personality seem exciting? She could get into some fights I suppose. I guess I can see that happening. I just can't shake that "insufferable" vibe I'm getting from her. Fingers crossed she doesn't hook up with Lawon. Comment it out and let me know what you think.

No more lagging. Just get the feeds already dammit!

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Lawon: Buckwild, Wow!

Lawon's real name is Lafayette and he currently stars on a killer show called True Blood. In his regular everyday life as a legal file clerk, you may refer to him as 39 year old Lawon Exum. Lawon is not only a long time Big Brother fan, but he's a pretty snazzy dresser. Giant collar, wide tie, denim suit and hair that says, "Hey there!". Lawon is a delicious southern specimen who thinks "vainness" is a word. It's really "vanity" Lawon, but we forgive you! It's that southern drawl with a hint of assuredness that sucks us right in, doesn't it? I'm only a few seconds into his interview, but I'm thinking he's glitter worthy. I've got my two bowls sitting here waiting for a booby dip. Let's see how the rest of his interview goes...

Just what I thought... AWESOME. If I could shrink Lawon down into the size of a tchotchke, I'd keep him forever on my mantel. Hands perched under my chin, I'd just stare and wait for a Lawonism -"I'm a ray o'sunshine", "Beautiful people, love it!", "You gotta be sexxxay!". I could listen to him talk for days. He's fabulosity in a denim suit with a 10,000 watt smile. How has he never entered my life before? I feel so robbed.

As soon as Big Brother ends, I want Lawon on a boat to Bravo and given his own show. Filing legal documents may not sound interesting, but when Lawon does it... Mmmph! Kapow! Werk.

Lawon is the full package - funny, smart, honest, conniving, witty, stylish, delicious. You can quote me right now - Lawon is going to give us some grrrreat DR. You have no idea how excited I am over a summer with Lawon. Beautiful people, love it!

Here's this tasty little morsel on CBS:

*pause for a booby glitter dip* Do you love him as much as I do? He's so good, right? Thank god! Comment it out bitches.

Lawon is SO feed worthy!

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Keith: Keeping His Pimp Hand Strong

Keith is a 32 year old Human Resources Manager from Bolingbrook, Illinois and he is going to get on my every last nerve. He's a bit of a stammerer and it's kind of unnerving to listen to. "I'm a uh uh uh H.R. professional and umm uh uh I can I can I can I can read people very well and a homina homina homina Evel Dick." Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.

As a religious man (Oh Christ!), Keith has no intentions of calling people out or talking badly about his fellow Houseguests. He won't be saying words like "shitdick", "cuntrag" or "festerpussy". His Christianity guides him and there's definitely a line drawn in the sand (probably the same sand with those silly footprints in it), but he'll still play the game and backstab. He'll just do it in a "different kind of way". How else do you backstab? Knife. Back. Stab. Hmmm, I'll go down to my laboratory and try to figure out a new way to backstab. I'll get back to you later with the results.

This devout Christian not only plans to bring his bible with him, but he plans on doing the hibbidy gibbidy with a lady friend or two - a WHITE lady friend or two. Bowm chicka wow wow. Yup, Keith's got jungle fever - blonde, brunette, he loves 'em all. No offense, but he's like the last person I want to see dipping his dipstick. I know a lot of Big Brother fans hate the showmances, but I'm all for the random slutty hook ups. I'm just not for Keith's random slutty hook ups. I'm going to call it right now - Keith will be hardcore all over Cassi which makes my hope that Cassi is a lesbian all the more delicious.

Absolutely nothing (other than a tasty piece of white ass) will ever make Keith stray from his religion. Both Ollie and Jameeka were weak. Weak! They gave into the devil and started cursing when put into high pressure situations. Keith isn't like that. Instead he'll just dip his dong into the closest blue-eyed blonde he can find. At least it's not cursing!

Keith isn't only about religion. Oh no sonny jim. Keith has his entire stay in the house all mapped out already. When he's not rubbing his skin against a luscious white girl, he'll be winning competitions, assembling alliances and making his select group of ladies ("Keith's Angels") do all the work for him. He'll have a harem of three who will work the rooms of the Big Brother house at night and then bring all the info they've acquired to Keith the next day. Now, I'm not a genius or anything, but that sounds a lot like what a pimp does. I just hope he does it while wearing platform shoes, bell bottoms and a large brimmed hat with a feather sticking out the top. If your strategy is to keep your pimp hand strong, you might as well go all out. Why the hell not?

Let's drink some Courvoisier and check out his CBS video, shall we?

So, what do we think of the religious fornicator? Personally, I'm not the least bit impressed. I'd like him out sooner than later. Comment it out and let me know your thoughts.

Get your live feeds! Get your live feeds!

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Kalia: Voudoun Princess

Kalia Booker is a 30 year old writer from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania who belched in a P.A.'s face right before her interview started. Why she belched, I do not know. Maybe she was hitting up the craft services table a little too hard before her shoot began. Or, maybe she just didn't care for the P.A. adjusting her mic. All I know is she's wearing feathers in her ears and she might be a voodoo princess. In my mind, she sacrificed a chicken the morning of the interview for good BB mojo so we'll go ahead and run with that angle and see where it takes us.

Kalia is a long time Big Brother fan and insists that no other black girl on the show was ever as cute or as young or as vivacious as she is. *sigh* Really? You're pulling the race card out now? You couldn't wait at least a week or so to do that?

Kalia is a brow furrower as well, but what she brings to the table (that Dominic doesn't) is a wonderfully sassy neck twitch. Back and forth, back and forth, side to side. It's says "Oh no you di-in't!" and "Bitch, you crazy!" all at the same time. As long as she doesn't do the Jameeka hand clapping thing we might get along famously. I kind of like her, "There's no other girl like me" confidence. I say that very same thing to my mirror everyday.

And, let's be honest here, I think the word "Kalia" is Sanskrit for "Drama". If there's one thing I'm sure about, it's that Kalia probably won't let anyone push her around. I'm pegging her for a fighter. Had she shown up in a past season, I probably wouldn't have liked her right off the bat, but I've grown bitches. I've learned. Big personalities are live feed gold. We may dislike them, we may want to take their red extensions and flush them down the toilet, but big personalities are what keep us watching. Kalia may turn out to be horribly wretched or incredibly gaseous (she keeps talking about farts!), but I don't think she'll be boring and that's all I really care about anymore.

Look for Kalia to absolutely 100% throw the first HOH competition. She'll try to be subtle about it, but she'll definitely throw it. She thinks winning the first HOH will put a huge target on her back and she's looking at the bigger picture rather than the short game. This vegetarian is all about the money and she's not afraid to admit it. No in-house romances for her. Although, she will eat meat if she has to. Double entendre intended.

Let's see how she answers the fan questions:

So, what do you guys think? She's kind of evil, right? Lots of potential here. I have a feeling the BB fanbase will be very divided on this one. Comment it out and let me know which side of the fence you're on.

If you haven't gotten your feeds yet, please support this here little blog by clicking below.

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Dominic: Head On A Spike

Dominc is a 25 year old model from San Mateo, California and he's a giant douchebag. I am exactly 45 seconds into his interview and I'm already annoyed. Douchey McDoucherson is 100% on Big Brother to get famous. That cocky eyebrow raise and furrowing of the brow is only appealing if your name is Chuck Bass. Alright, I'm going to press play again, but I do it with great reluctance. Wish me luck.

"My only roommates are my mom and dad" *eye wink* "It's gonna be ca-razy. It's gonna be intense." Oh shut the fuck up. I hate you. Die.

Look Mario Lopez, you're making me twitch. How long did it take you to hand pluck those eyebrows anyways Phony McPhonerson? I swear to god, if you talk to the camera one more time, I'm telling everyone you have crabs Wilmer.

Ok, that's it. *throws hands up in the air* Dominic's favorite Houseguest is Enzo. No one's favorite Houseguest is Enzo. No one!

It literally pains me to watch this guy.. His bravado annoys me. His fauxhawk annoys me. His stupid shoes with the white laces annoy me. I want to take his face and smoosh it between my fingers until his eyeballs pop out and land somewhere where I can then squish them with the heel of my shoe. I want to watch the blood drain out of the stump of his neck while his face turns an ashen gray color and his fauxhawk wilts. The only way I will ever enjoy watching this kid if his head is on a spike outside my front door scaring away the neighbor kids.

Yeah, so, this guy sucks. Torture yourselves for all I care:

Doesn't he make your innards quiver with hate? Comment it out and let me know.

P.S. He has crabs.

I have yet to even watch the Superpass interviews with these HG's, but sign up and you can watch them yourself!

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Cassi: Hosebeast Taker Downer

Next up is Cassi Colvin. She's a 26 year old model from Nashville and will tell you straight up, with no problem at all, that she's a recruit. She's never seen Big Brother before, but after having watched a few seasons she was immediately sucked into the black hole that I'm currently flailing around in. It's a lot like trying to swim through a vat of molasses. Your hair sticks to your eyeballs and, inevitably, your pants come off.

Her accent is thick, but I don't mind it so much. I like her confidence and poise. And, any opportunity for me to type things like, "Ahm jess lookin' ta hayevv a good tahm een tha howse an' meet sum new paypull" is always good fun. Now I know why Rooster Ralph (Survivor: Redemption Island) was put on this Earth - to train me for Big Brother 13.

Cassi is a beautiful girl - there's no doubting that - but she says that she doesn't care for judgmental people. Well, excuuuuuuse me! Judgmental people are what makes the world go round girlfriend. Judgmental people put those pennies in my PayPal account I'll have you know. When you're pretty, you're judged. Bitches get jealous, they key your car, they slip in insults when they want you to think they're complimenting you. That'll never change honeypie. Just get used to it and give the haters the finger.

When asked about the possibilty of a showmance, Cassi became a little tongue tied. She doesn't plan on having one - which is what they all say - but she also doesn't know what she's looking for in a man. Call me crazy (or just wishful), but I'm thinking "closeted lesbian". Oh please please, pretty please, let Cassi be gay. There's nothing I love more than a hot chick with zero interest in the douchebags hitting on her and who instead secretly lusts after the girl in the next bed. Lesbians are great fun and I want one on Big Brother dammit. We always get our token gay man, but we really need a fun sexy lesbian to mix things up. She's probably straight as an arrow, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for a late night coming out of the closet moment.

Cassi doesn't give us many clues about her strategy and I'm ok with that. It's always so silly to me when people overplan and plot elaborate lies before even knowing who they're playing with or what the twist is. She doesn't strike me as a windowlicker and I think she'll pick up her own strategy fairly quickly once the game starts. There's not much for me to dislike Cassie for yet. Her favorite word is "shit" and she seems comfortable in front of the camera. I'm also not getting a famewhore vibe at all. Then again, I completely misjudged Rachel last year and will never live that down so, who knows?

There is, however, a potential for boredom here. I can't tell if she'll be evil and crafty in the house or if she'll float her way through the game with nonconfrontation. It's going to be a waiting game with Cassi, but upon first impressions, she doesn't bug me... yet.

Let's watch her CBS video:

So, what do you guys think of Miss Cassi? Are we sensing any bitch potential here? How do you think she'll get along with the returning Houseguests? I don't know about you, but I think Cassi is my ticket to a certain rancid hosebeast being taken down a few notches. Comment it out bitches and let me know if we're on the same wavelength.

Don't forget to get your Live Feeds! This season just got a hell of a lot more interesting.

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Adam: Heavy Metal Chucky Doll

Our first Houseguest is Adam Poch. Adam is 39 and hails from Hoboken, New Jersey. He says he's a music inventory manager, but I think we all know that really means he stocks the CD's at Walmart. Husky voice, burly frame, Adam isn't your typical Houseguest. First, I swear he farted in the middle of one of his interviews. And second, he calls himself "the heavy metal teddy bear". Giving yourself a nickname is right up there with having your name etched on a bowling ball. You just don't do it.

Adam's the guy you see at the local bar pounding beers and shouting, "Put on some Skynyrd!". He's the goofy one who shoves 18 chicken wings in his mouth just to get a laugh. But if he gets drunk enough, he also might break your face if you look at his woman wrong. Car shows are a weekend pastime and Pay Per View wrestling is always a reason to throw a party.

After a quick glance at the rest of the Houseguests, I think Adam will have a tough time fitting in. He's a little older, a little rough around the edges, a little shifty in the eyes. An innocent look at a young hottie in a bikini, if caught, will get him labeled as "The Perv". A giant sense of humor would serve him well. Too bad I'm not seeing any hints of one.

Although, the more I watch his interview, the more I think that maybe he really is a softy. Maybe he'll be a father figure after all. Maybe he'll be the one whose shoulder you can cry on. But hold on there cowpokes. Mr. Adam is angry with BB12 Matt for lying about his wife's disease because now he can't use his own dead parents to win some sympathy. LOL Yup, you sure are a teddy bear Adam - a teddy bear with Manson eyes, acid for saliva and razor blades for fur. I didn't realize dead parents were a strategy now. That's a little creepy, no?

Eh. I don't think I like him. Annoying voices and accents (unless hot and British) really grate on my nerves. Listening to him talk, all I keep thinking is, "Clear your throat! Stop smoking! Shut up!". I'm looking for big confident entertaining personalities this time around and I'm just not seeing it here. In fact, I'm incredibly bored and I really wish he'd hurry up so I can move on.

And tell me this isn't the most boring video you've ever seen:

Maybe he'll prove me wrong. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? What do you guys think of Adam? Yay or nay? Will he last long in the house? Comment it out bitches and if you haven't ordered the Live Feeds, get on it. Happy Hour should be chock full o' fun today. Don't miss out!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

BB13 Twisty McTwisterson

The internets are all a kerfluffle over a new snippet that aired on Entertainment Tonight Canada yesterday. The phrase "dynamic duo" was muttered by one Miss Julie Chen and now the giant guessing game has begun. The indoor furniture is outside. The outdoor furniture is inside. What does it all mean?!?! Probably nothing. The decor very rarely has an effect on the twist. As Daniele Donato noted yesterday on Rumor Control, the Alice In Wonderland house theme of BB8 had nothing to do with the "living with someone who hate" twist.

Anyhow, the clip is below, but if you paid attention to my post yesterday called 'Inside The Big Brother 13 House' you would have found a HUGE hint to this year's twist embedded inside. As most Big Brother fans would also make excellent private detectives, I was a little surprised only one very clever tweeter picked up on it. Good job anonymous tweeter! Gold star for you.

Please to enjoy:

And if you still haven't ordered your Live Feeds yet, what are you waiting for? The cast reveal is one day away and @BigBroLiveFeeds has promised me a drinking game during Happy Hour tomorrow. So grab your gin tumblers and meet us there!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

BB13 House Outdoor Photos! just released a few more photos from the outside of the Big Brother 13 house.

New Photo #1:

The smoking lounge looks pretty swanky. I'm digging the outdoor chandelier and the blue chairs.

New Photo #2:

I didn't realize Banksy was a Big Brother fan.

#1 held so much promise and then #2 went and pooped all over it. C'est la vie!

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Inside The Big Brother 13 House

The highly anticipated photos of the Big Brother 13 house are here. Shall I walk you through them while providing unnecessary commentary? Yes, I shall! So, join me friends as we tour the rooms we'll be staring at numbly all summer long.

Photos courtesy of Matt Whitfield at YahooTV.

Photo #1: Bicycle Land

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - more bicycles in the kitchen!

Photo #2: Where The Ants Will Live

I wonder what happened to the surfers who owned those surfboards. Are they still surfing? Have they been bricked in? More importantly, is that a stinking pool table I see out the window?! There's nothing more exciting than watching other people play pool.

Photo #3: The Crying Table

Let's talk about the obvious elephant in the room - 14 photos on the memory wall. I wonder how many of them will belong to former Houseguests...

Photo #4: The Tarot Card Room

That's the Death Card right there which leads me to believe that my Hunger Games fantasy has now become a reality - yes! I've always said that the Houseguests should be put to death when their ability to entertain has waned. It's the only way to prevent them from photographing their penises and doing porn. Consider it a public service.

Photo #5: The Toilet Room

A decidedly softer color palette than the rest of the house, this might be my favorite bathroom so far. I wonder what's in that brown jar in the upper left hand corner... Amber's tears? Lane's future children?

Photo #6: The Ugliest Bedroom On Earth

What in the sam hell sort of fuckery is this?

Photo #7: The Starburst Room

If Starburst had a mascot, he would live in this candy striped room from hell. The beds are bigger, but that floor looks like a slippery nightmare. If you spill a drink on that purple stripe, someone will surely break a neck. Awesome.

Photo #8: HOH Room

On the downside, the bed shrunk. On the upside, it looks like it would be difficult to construct a make-out fort.

Photo #9: HOH Bathroom

I'm digging the 1970's Ice Storm -esque wallpaper, but there's something very pervy about that owl. Let's put him and his elephant friend in a drawer and have a key party instead.

Dead surfers, fortune telling, inappropriately placed steely metals, ceramic wildlife... it's strange to say the least. I'm struggling to find a theme amongst it all. What do you guys think? Which room is your favorite?

And, don't forget, you're running out of time to get the Live Feeds at the discounted price. Click below to sign up. I have a feeling Rumor Control and Happy Hour will be very interesting this week.

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!

Monday, June 27, 2011

After Dark, We Dance

So there I was... lying in bed drinking my gin from a sippy cup and going through my DVR schedule for the next week. Haunted Collector was all set. Yo Gabba Gabba was right on track. That Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making The Team season pass sat there taunting me (where are my new episodes?!?) and then - there it was...


*glitter falls from the sky*

I gave the sippy cup to the dog, threw off my top and proceeded to do the running man for the next 30 minutes. Big Brother After Dark is back bitches! I've always subscribed to Showtime, but this little nugget is an added bonus. From 12-3am every night you'll be able to catch a slightly edited (Showtime chooses the cameras) version of the Live Feeds.

In the case that you don't want Showtime bossing you around and choosing your angles for you or if your last name is Cullen or Salvatore and you'll be up the entire night anyways, then the Live Feeds are what you need my friends. Lucky for you, I've got the hook up. Click on the pretty picture below and you're on your way to salvation. The $29.99 deal ends next week, but the new Houseguests will be revealed any day now. Cast interviews will go up on the Superpass site in the next day or two so get your feeds now and let's make fun of these lambs for the slaughter together.

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!