Saturday, July 6, 2013

Crouching Elvira, Hidden Poop

In all walks of life, from nature to man, things get clogged. Arteries, traffic, drains, dams, thoughts... bowels. And in all instances come stress and discomfort. Desperate for relief we moan and groan, we honk, we flit and, occasionally, we pour acid over the problem and hope it bubbles and fizzes into a light and airy vapor. Or, when a remedy isn't at hand, we get down on our knees and turn to a higher power. Boston, Darfur, Arizona... pfft! Pray for poop. Let's recap, shall we?

I'm going to have to cruise through this one quickly today. It's been a hectic week, but things should be back to normal come Monday. So, let's begin. The day was filled with the centuries-old Catholic tradition of kissing of the Pope's ring. Only, in this instance, the Pope is a giant douche canoe named Asshat (Jeremy). As I stated earlier, most profoundly I'll have you know, Aryan is many things, but HOH isn't one of them. Asshat is running the show and Aryan is happy to let him.

All day long people went in and out of the HOH room in a desperate attempt to secure their safety. Never have nominations been so complicated. One would think these chuckleheads were solving world peace or penning the Treaty Of Versailles. In actuality, all they were doing is finding different ways of saying, "Hey, let's nominate Helen and Elvira (Elissa), like we planned to way back when on Wednesday." The plan has always been the same. Elvira is the target. The reasons are twofold: A) It is ridiculously unfair that she's even in the house in the first place and B) She's so weird!

But in the midst of this complicated waxing poetic, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) is crumbling from the stress. She is beyond paranoid that the MVP twist will result in her skipping her ass out of the house next week. And then there's the little matter of the blood in her urine. Yes, you read that right. Eyebrows has been having some bladder issues that sound a lot like either a UTI or kidney stones. Personally, I'm hoping for stones. But, then again, I'm a wickedly horrible person who thinks that hearing her scream on the Live Feeds while passing a stone would be hysterically funny. And since we've established that karma doesn't exist, I am allowed to think such thoughts and get off scott free. Sweet!

The blood, the pee, the stress... well, it is all making Eyebrows a little nuts which, in turn, makes Asshat and Aryan very nervous. When Eyebrows goes a little off the rails she tends to pout and cry and chat incessantly to people she shouldn't be chatting with. Asshat and Aryan are trying not to piss off too many people this week, but Eyebrows' outbursts are complicating things. The duo try to tell her to calm down, but that results in her only freaking out even louder. Asshat calls her childish and confides to Aryan about how annoying Eyebrows is becoming. This, obviously, is awesome! Call me crazy, but I think it would be beyond delicious if Aryan and Asshat start hooking up. If you'll remember, Aryan has said that Asshat is exactly the type of guy she goes for.

So, the nominations finally happen and all that pre-nom stress was for naught. Helen and Elvira are up for nomination. 

After the ceremony, the nominees retreat to their Have-Not Room where they burble into a fit of tears and hugs. It should also be known that Elvira is having some intestinal issues. Basically, homegirl can't poop. The slop is building up in her lower intestines and now she's holding up everything in the house (the nomination ceremony was hours late) and pacing back and forth in front of bathrooms. In between clutching her stomach and telling people that she might have to go to the hospital, she begs America to give her MVP.

And what does America do? They give her the goddamn MVP. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!? Seriously. Way to be predictable, America. Jerks.

So anyhow, Elvira is once again MVP and now begins the torturous decision of whom to nominate. Eyebrows, Asshat or maybe Nick??? The goal is to get rid of Asshat, but they are undecided if they should put him straight up or attempt to backdoor him. Apparently, if the MVP's nomination wins POV and removes themselves from the block, the MVP gets to put someone else up in their face. As of this morning, I'm still unsure who Elvira chose to put him, but my money is on Asshat.

So, there you have it in a nutshell. Be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10pm EST for frankly honest drunk talk about ALL the scandals in the Big Brother House this week. We'll be talking about everything from race relations, breakdowns, sexy time, blood in the urine and poop. You don't want to miss it! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Valley Of The Dolls

The only hit that comes out of a Jessie Kowalski show is Jessie Kowalski, and that's ME, baby, remember? Nope. Never gonna happen. Try to plant your own tree, Jessie, but it sure as hell won't grow. Here in the Valley Of The Dolls, trudging through the Adderall and Xanax, one plain faced girl is desperate to make a name for herself. Love, success and friendship swirl and twirl all around taunting and teasing. So close yet so far. Sparkle Jessie, sparkle. Or just sit in a corner and pout. Back in your hometown you may have been above mediocre, but here in the big city, kid, you're a dime a dozen. Let's recap, shall we?

Since yesterday was a holiday and I spent most of the day poolside, this will be a short one today. We'll begin up in the HOH room with Asshat (Jeremy) telling Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan that Elvira (Elissa) must be jealous of how cute they are. The ladies giggle and coo until the camera swings around to that walnut Jessie... "I totally believe it. I came in here thinking all the girls would be jealous of me, but I met you guys and you made it so much easier for me." Como what? No one was talking to you, Nutter Butter! No one ever talks to you. The boys don't like you and the girls can't stand you. Give it up!

The talk then turns to whom Aryan should nominate this week. Going through the choices, Aryan makes an observation about Candice, "These girls are interchangeable... Candice, Monet, Libra. They all have the same personality." *pauses to pick jaw up off the floor* So, in Aryan's mind, all black girls are the same. Swap one out for the other and no one will ever notice the difference. Wow. You can call Aryan many things. "Inconsistent" is not one of them.

Time passes and the HG's spend some time by the pool bitching about how hot it is and then they go inside and bitch some more about how hot it is. Bitch, bitch, bitch - no one is ever satisfied.

Back up in the HOH room, Jessie enters desperate to be a part of something, anything, and says she caught Candice and Howard talking to one another. Howard told Jessie that Candice and Elvira were trying to recruit him so now Jessie is doing is her duty and relaying the information to her best good friends. Jeremy listens to all of this and is pissed off knowing that Candice, Elvira and Helen are working together. He decides that Candice isn't really all that much of a threat so it might be best to put Helen and Elvira on the block this week.

The conversation then swings around to Elvira - as it always does. (Side note: I NEVER see her ANYWHERE. I don't know if she's playing hide and seek with Nick or what, but she is rarely on the feeds so it is really weird how everyone is so obsessed with her.) Anyhow, Jeremy hates the fact that they all had to go through shit to get on the show but Elvira had her spot handed to her. And it infuriates him that she could keep winning MVP every week. Look, Jeremy is a douche nozzle, but he has a point. If I was in that house, I'd be pretty bitter over Elvira's advantage as well. It's not fair. And if Billy Jean taught me anything, it is that, "Fair is fair!" The HOH group also dreads the idea of having to be stuck in the Jury house with Elvira. If Jeremy has anything to say about it, Elvira will be going home this week.

Aryan then starts to bitch about how Elvira thinks she won the HOH competition because she's on Adderall. Then she whips out a plastic baggie at 5pm PST and pops another one. Personally, I thought it was weird to take an Adderall at 5pm, but Aryan claims she needs it or else she'll go crazy. Too late. Amanda, too, takes Adderall and sometimes Xanax to sleep which apparently pisses off Jessie. Jessie thinks it's unfair that Amanda can get a pharmaceutically induced night's sleep. Jessie thinks everything is unfair. She thinks it's unfair that girls are jealous of her - we're not. She thinks it's unfair that all the boys love her - they don't. And she thinks it's unfair that others get to pop pills and she can't.

The feeds then go down for a 4th of July party. When they come back up again, we find Amanda furious with Jessie. SO furious in fact that Amanda is crying to Aryan about her. Amanda isn't typically a crier and she usually doesn't let a flea like Jessie get to her so something pretty big must have happened to warrant this type of reaction. As it turns out, Jessie was flirting with McRae. *bites fist* Oh no she di-in't! She couldn't get Nick, Jeremy, Howard or J-U-DD to pay attention to her so now Jessie has turned her sights on McRae. Prostitution whore! She even told McRae that when Amanda leaves the house they can be in an alliance together and share the same bed. Who does this bitch she think she is?

One good thing did come out of Jessie's attempted philandering - a nice big target on her back. Amanda certainly can't stand her and, now, neither can Aryan and Eyebrows. The girls bitch that Jessie is the desperate unpopular girl trying to get in with the popular clique. Truer words have never been spoken.

So there we are. Jessie is a loser and Elvira is the target. Nominations are today so look for Helen and Elvira to go up on the block. We also might hear who won MVP. While I'll be upset if Elvira wins again, her nomination could be anyone from Jeremy to Eyebrows to Jessie which could be pretty funny. As wretched as those people are, I would rather a boring person went home this week. You know me, I need my entertainment and that usually comes in the form of a hot mess. If Helen or Elvira walk out the door, I'll be just fine.

So, who do you want to go home this week? Who do you think will win MVP? Who do you think the MVP will nominate? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Hood Of Household

On today this national holiday of pride and independence, Big Brother fans find themselves miserable and brokenhearted. But I am here to put a stop to all of that. I am here to get us back to good times and noodle salad. Watermelon baskets and melon balls. Sparklers and setting the neighbor's gazebo on fire. We'll get there together I promise you. My plans of lying by the pool and drinking gin straight from the bottle with a straw might be squashed due to weather, but yours don't have to be. I wish for you to go forth and drink. Celebrate! Smear tater salad all over your face and tie firecrackers to the cat's tail. Like that song from Grease 2 says... Yeah, let's do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue. It's not a lot to ask of us, our parents would approve. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin by wishing Blanco Bouffant (White David) a fond farewell. So long sucker! May the rest of your summer be spent covered in jellyfish stings and fatal bouts of Staph.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Live Feeds switched on and we found ourselves covered in sauce and sweat. The competing teams were as follows: Spencer/Helen, Candice/VaGina, J-U-DD/Nick, Andy/Elvira (Elissa), Amanda/Eyebrows (Kaitlin), Asshat (Jeremy)/Aryan and Jessie/Howard. The rules stated that if you filled a smaller jug with barbecue sauce then you would receive a larger cup with which to fill your giant jug with. J-U-DD and Nick were the only team to take this option and it looked like things were gong swimmingly for them. They were behind Andy/Elvira and Amanda/Eyebrows, but the larger cup indeed gave them an advantage.

Since the cameras chose to focus on these three teams only, it looked like it would be a fairly average week up in the HOH until... Until! The camera whipped around and showed us something we did not want to see - Asshat and Aryan kicking ass and taking names! Scooping up barbecue sauce liberally with their hands, pockets, water bottles, hair, etc, the terrible twosome were ahead of everyone else and on their way to a victory. It wasn't until we heard Asshat say, "I got that ball, baby!" that our darkest nightmares realized. Yup, Asshat and Aryan have won the HOH competition.

The Live Feeds go down again for a few minutes and when they finally turned back on,  the universe collectively farted as we all discovered that Aryan is our new HOH. Staring blankly into our laptops we tried to blink and make sense of it all. But, but, but she's horrible! She's the face of the race scandal! We pounded angrily on our keypads and sought solace from one another on social media. I refuse to watch if she's in power! Someone hold me. But isn't that always the way? Doesn't the Big Brother pendulum unforgivingly swing back and forth slapping karma in the face and out of the way? I'm a yoga doing, Eastern philosophy believing, zen kind of a gal, but after watching Big Brother for 85 seasons even I know that karma is a big ole bag of bullshit that doesn't exist. Horrible people doing horrible things are rewarded every single day. Just look at those Karkrapians. I type my fingers to the bone spreading joy to the world through prose and metaphor and I don't have two nickels to rub together, but some skank with a fat ass makes a sex tape and she's on her way to making a billion dollars. Bananarama knew what they were talking about when they said, "It's a cruel... cruel summer." Cruel, indeed.

With the competition over and the line for the showers getting longer, Aryan finally has a moment to realize that her idiot surfer boyfriend is no longer there. She sits in silence with thin lips and stares at the ceiling going over and over the votes in her head. Out of nowhere, Jessie exclaims, "Thanks for voting to keep me you guys!" She looks around the room hoping for an ass grab or at least a hug, but everyone pretty much ignores her and goes back to the awkward silence. Eventually, Asshat comes strutting into the room and shatters the fragile melancholy with, "I was rocking that little scooper!" Helen immediately spins on her heel and heads back to the Have-Not room (Helen, Andy, Candice and Elvira are Have-Not's) where she and Elvira pout.

VaGina then marches into the Living Room and makes a big fuss over how MC (McRae) was betrayed this week, "What he did was a ballsy move, yo. An' now he looks stoopit! I come from a good famlee an' a good home. There ain't no R-E-P-S-T-Z in this house!" And then she hugged MC and we all kind of scratched our heads for a second. I think she's complimenting MC, but it came out as something that resembled baby vomit. Speaking of vomit, we uncovered another little charming nugget last night. The one and only VaGina is a bulimic. Isn't that precious and sort of perfectly fitting? She confided to Nick that the longest she's gone without purging is 14 days which means that next week we should hear some unsavory sounds coming from the toilet area. Awesome.

After she has managed to collect her thoughts and summon up the angry embers in her gut, Aryan finally announces that something isn't right about the way the votes went. Ya think?! Spencer, one of the architects of the plan to get out Bouffant, jumps in and changes the subject to Elvira's speech, "That was such a slap in the face. That was the fucking cuntiest speech I've ever fucking heard." Spencer may be a smart guy, but he's a horrible actor. The more he tried to deflect attention off of himself, the more Candice's eyebrows began to rise and question the events of the past several hours.

It is finally Candice and Aryan's turn to shower and in that very calm and collected aryan way that Aryan has, she insinuates that Candice was probably lying about voting to evict Elvira. Kudos to Candice because she stands up for herself and tells Aryan that she did what she was told. She voted out Elvira and if Aryan wants to find out the hinky votes, then she needs to go figure it out for herself. Candice says it isn't her place to out others in the house. Aryan very creepily keeps scrubbing her head in silence while on the other side of the curtain, it is dawning on Candice that she could be in a shitload of trouble this week. If she whines and defends herself, she'll look guilty. If she says nothing, she'll look even more guilty. Spencer's plan to do considerable damage to Candice's game worked. Morally, ethically and all that jazz it was difficult to watch. But game wise... hot damn! This poor girl was set up for no real good reason and it's working like a charm.

Meanwhile in the photo booth, Eyebrows is crying her eyes out. She has it in her head that Elvira will win MVP agagin and, for sure, her ass will go up on the block this week. Since Elvira nominated Bouffant last week and Bouffant went home, Eyebrows is now a panicking puddle of snot. Eventually, Asshat finds his skank and very firmly tells her to cut it out. He tells her to stop pouting and that she's not going anywhere this week.

Eventually, Eyebrows emerges from the Photo Booth, but she's still pouting. Apparently, Elvira called Eyebrows a whore on National TV. I didn't hear it and you didn't hear it. If it happened, it's hella hilarious and makes me not hate Elvira so much. If it didn't happen, then someone (probably Aryan) is screwing with Eyebrows. Nonetheless, Eyebrows is furious and she asks the people in the bathroom, "Is that an example you set for your child?!" Once again Spencer jumps in with his stock reply, "Her fucking speech was so awful! It was a slap in the face! I can't believe she said that!" Eyebrows nods enthusiastically before turning to Andy who happened to be showering at the time and exclaims, "You can go ahead and tell her that too, Andy!"

When we thought the house would be busting at the seams with arrogance and gloating, we are instead thrust deeply inside the bell jar. Not only are Eyebrows, Candice, VaGina and Spencer all glowering and pitiful, but the Hood Of Household herself is a bucket of tears. Aryan sits on a bed and cries about how unfair the game is and how Elvira will win MVP every week. She sniffles to VaGina, "Somebody that I trust is lying." VaGina then goes on another one of her tirades, "I don't kiss ass. I don't give a fuck! I'm respectful. I don't play dirty." Come again? Look, I understand being pissed off about Elvira. I get it. I do. It is incredibly unfair, but to be honest, she really doesn't do all that much in the house. She's boring and occasionally you can see her jogging in the backyard, but other than that you really don't even know she's there.

Luckily for us, the pout-fest of 2013 continues. Aryan and Eyebrows sit across from one another and compete to see whose lower lip can protrude the furthest. Aryan cries that she'll probably go home next week while Eyebrows cries that she's probably going home this week. Remember how I told you I'd make your 4th of July a merry holiday? Well, here it is! These stupid bitches could be strutting around acting like assholes, but instead they're soggy and crying their eyes out. It's genius! Only Aryan could take good fortune and turn into something miserable.

At the same time all this moaning is going on, Candice is beginning to think out loud and start putting the pieces together. Helen had told her that there was a master plan and to wait for instructions. It was Spencer who finally approached her with the instructions to vote out Elvira. Andy listens to all of this and says that he was told the same thing - only his instructions were to vote out Bouffant. Andy and Candice compare notes and agree that something is going on that they were left out of.

Speaking of Andy, he is beyond thrilled that Julie asked him the first question on TV last night. Judging by how last week went, he never in his wildest dreams imagined that he would be interviewed on the couch. Unfortunately for us (yes, Andy is very annoying), this has made him even more outgoing and chatty. He is now flitting from corner to corner thinking he's getting a star edit on the show. In reality, he's simply one of the only ones who didn't say anything racist. There was no one else for Julie to talk to safely!

So, Aryan is crying again and now Andy is up her ass. Aryan whines that she has no one to play with now. Andy says that he'll play with her because he has no one either. He has been honest with her about his vote to evict Bouffant and Aryan appreciates that. She tells him she won't go after him if he promises not to go after her. Aryan once again brings up Elvira and how there is no way she can ever make up with her. Andy says that he thinks Elvira is a robot programmed to say things that America likes to hear. Actually, he could be onto something here. Andy is convinced that there is no way hardcore Big Brother fans would vote for Elvira to get MVP again. He says he will lose faith in the show if that happens. Careful there Andy. I said something like that once and ended up with an Asslicker for an avatar as punishment.

After all the thinking and putting the pieces together, Candice finally feels comfortable enough to approach Aryan. She finds Aryan in one of the bedrooms and tells her she's not going to kiss her ass, but she'll tell her all she knows. Candice tells Aryan that someone she won't name (Helen) came up to her and told her a secret person will giver her instructions on how to vote. Candice reveals that it was Spencer who told her to vote out Elvira. She was happy to vote that way because neither Bouffant nor Jessie ever did anything to her in the game. She tells Aryan that something is going on and that she needs to be careful because someone Aryan least suspects could be lying to her.

Candice continues and tells Aryan that she has no reason to lie to her. She swears on her mom and her dead dad that she is telling the truth. She confesses that in all honesty she was thrilled to be a part of something, but it turns out that she's not and now she's totally confused. Aryan asks her if she told all of this to Asshat and Eyebrows. Candice tells her she has and that Asshat believes her. Aryan then tells Candice that she believes her too. And, in that moment, I'm sure Aryan really did believe Candice.

Later we discover that Aryan can't think for herself. This Hood of Household won't be a Hood Of Household at all. Asshat, Eyebrows, Spencer and probably the fish will be making the calls this week, not Aryan. And so, my lovely bitches, there is no need for us to be down and out. The house is a madhouse! People are losing their minds and the drama is nonstop. After all of our worrying and freaking out, Aryan will probably end up nominating Candice and Elissa with the plan being to backdoor Helen. Helen! What a silly plan. And look, outside! Is that the sun I see peeking through the clouds? It is! Grab your bikinis, mix yourself some cocktails and have a great day everyone! Just remember, don't drink and drive, sparklers are not for licking and hot dogs in your ears can be quite funny.

Happy 4th of July!

CBS Interactive Inc.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

My Nails Are Haw-Ribble!

When Big Brutha takes your sawks it's fuckin' haw-ribble. You don' feel like ya-self no mo'. Awl you wan' is your fuckin' capris so ya don' feel like a scrub. I mean, look at this fuckin' snawt comin' outta my nose. I'm disgustin'! Nobody knows me ta evah wear shawts in 10 yee-uhs. I don't feel cumftabull. I wanna go home! Let's recap, shall we?

Girls, girls, batshit crazy girls. The house is full of them. They float in the pool, they swing on the  hammock, they burn crosses on your front lawn... you can't escape them. But in a strange turn of events, it is actually the girls who are trying to escape the boys. You see, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan (Aaryn) confided in one another yesterday that maybe they're not as enamored with their coiffed dandies as they once were. Eyebrows has had just about enough of Jeremy's in-house shenanigans. The other night when he stole all the wine and then gloated about it is not only hurting his game, but it's hurting hers too! And then we have little racist Aryan. The only reason she is sharing a bed with Bouffant (David) is because she doesn't like the idea of watching him share a bed with another girl. True love!

Listening to each other bitch and moan about their respective partners, the ladies begin to realize something. It turns out that Jeremy is exactly the kind of guy Aryan dates on the outside - arrogant, asshole-ish, douchey, loud, moronic, bigoted. Similarly, Eyebrows comes to the same conclusion - she usually dates the quiet and dim type of guy like Bouffant. The girls giggle to each other about how badly they screwed up in choosing their men. If only they could swap!

As the girls are chatting with one another, the boys decide to work out and lift all sort of heavy things. Jeremy heaves some patio furniture over his head while Bouffant does one-armed push ups like Demi Moore did in the G.I. Jane. Aryan sneers as she watches them, "I don't understand why they have to work out like that. Like, they're totally showing everyone how strong they are. I already have a target on my back and now they're showing everyone how we'll crush their skulls with our bare hands. Like, who does that?!" Here's one thing you should know about Aryan - nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes her happy. Well, maybe Birth Of A Nation in 3D, but other than that everything is annoying and a personal attack on her well being.

Another girl who is having issues with her well being is VaGina (Ginamarie). Big Brother took away a large portion of VaGina's clothes and she no longer feels like herself in the house. She feels disgusting! Muttering racist epithets all day and sprinkling the air with f-bombs will do that to a gal. Furthermore, her nails are haw-ribble, they took her capris, she's wearing shawts an' she nevah wears shawts, her legs are too white, she can't sit down to shave her fuckin' twat and now she wants to go home. All of this is basically code for, "Nick doesn't want shit to do with me and now I'm a lonely spinster like Jessie."

Amanda, trying to be a good friend, assures VaGina that she can borrow anything from any of the girls in the house. She tells VaGina that she doesn't look like a scrub and then she mysteriously recites the AA prayer motto for VaGina - Gawd, grant me tha serenity to accept tha things I cannawt change an' tha couridge ta change tha things I can an' the wisdom ta know tha diff'rence. It was strange and peculiar, but it sort of worked.

After about 5 minutes and some more words of encouragement from Eyebrows, VaGina finally calms down and stops talking about wanting to go home. J-U-DD joins the gals and the conversation swiftly switches to game talk. Eyebrows bats her eyelashes at J-U-DD and asks, "If I flash you my titties, will you promise not to turn on us?" J-U-DD swallows through a dry mouth and says, "Mmmkay." Eyebrows, very pleased with herself, tells J-U-DD it's a win-win. Not only will they get rid of Elvira (Elissa), but he'll get to see some boobies. Truth be known, J-U-DD is lying. If all goes according to plan this week, he should be voting to evict Bouffant not Elvira.

After a relatively low key day with the Houseguests farting around the house trying to entertain themselves, Helen decides to stimulate her mind with a lively game of chess with Bouffant. During the game, Bouffant expresses his concern about going home this week. Helen tells him to make his case over the next 2 days and hope for the best. When their game is over, Helen grabs a bag of chips (Have-Nots are done!) and joins Spencer on the hammock to fill him in on Bouffant's concerns. Spencer tells her that his plan is to tell Bouffant that he wants to work him in the future and that they might be really good together in an alliance. The whole point is to confuse the other side of the house (Bieber Fever) so when Bouffant goes home, they'll have no concrete idea where the votes came from.

Jazz Hands Andy approaches the hammock next and now it's his turn to chat with Spencer. Both gentlemen discuss how they desperately want to cut Amanda loose. Andy finds her to be annoying and thinks that even MC (McRae) is getting tired of her. Spencer is bothered by the fact that she keeps referring to the HOH room as her room. He also doesn't understand how both Eyebrows and Aryan sleep with their men and automatically get targets on their back, but Amanda doesn't. I don't quite get his logic - perhaps because it makes no sense - but he thinks the fact that Amanda sleeps with MC but doesn't get penalized for it makes her a "shady lady". The last thing Spencer wants is to keep Amanda in the game longer than necessary and end up being taken out by her. Spencer tells Andy that their alliance is much stronger without her around. He also tells Andy how much he likes Helen and wants to coach her. He thinks she's incredibly smart, but not as savvy in the game as he'd like her to be.

It should also be noted that Mr. Savvy flashed his penis to the cameras for no apparent reason at all. Umm, thanks?

The rest of the evening was more of the same as far as VaGina is concerned. She had about 15 more meltdowns and threatened to go home. One minute she's crying and then the next minute she's laughing. It all depends on whether or not Nick is paying any attention to her.

Up in the HOH room, Amanda was dismayed to discover that MC has been talking about their relationship in the Diary Room. Apparently, she has a boyfriend on the outside and his mom watches the Live Feeds. Yikes! She and MC are the least couple-y in the house, but then again she's the only one to give her man a firm handshake in the middle of the night if you know what I mean. Amanda, I still love you, but I think it's safe to say that you no longer have a boyfriend. You should probably stop talking about it and get your head back in the game and out of the HOH room. My girl isn't doing herself any favors locking herself away like she is. She's needs to be socializing and getting close to some of the more neutral middle-of-the-road people like Howard, Helen, J-U-DD and Andy. Getting close to Jessie wouldn't hurt either. If the Older People Alliance really want to deliver a blow to Bieber Fever, they should have Nick or Howard play the sex game with Jessie. Ladies aren't the only ones who can use seduction as game play. Men can too!

So, there you have it. It was a slow day in the house as Mondays tend to be and I expect today to be more of the same. Wednesdays are my day off so I will see you back here Thursday morning when the shit will have definitely fit the shan. No matter who wins HOH this week, Wednesday night will be a shit storm and it'll be AWESOME! Make sure you get the Live Feeds (seriously, they are so cheap this season) so you don't miss a second of a it! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Aryan Nation

There is a movement underfoot. Can you feel the rumbling? Can you feel the stampede of angry feed watchers marching on Washington, marching to Burbank? Enraged picketers with their placards shouting and stomping in frustration...
Boycott CBS!
Sign my petition!
Remove these Houseguests from the house IMMEDIATELY!!!
CBS supports White Power!
If you watch CBS, you're a White Supremacist!
Get your free CBS swag... a cloak and a hood!
Helter Skelter is alive and well and living in Studio City, my friends. The race war between the blacks and whites is imminent. It is too late for drones, too late for chemical warfare. The only solution is to remove these Houseguests forthwith, tar and feather Robyn Kass and start all over again. Let's recap, shall we?

My, my, my... what a weekend! But before we get to all that, allow me a teeny tiny moment to gloat. Check it out, bitches!

(Photo shamelessly stolen from @BBGossip)

If my co-hosts and I can pull this off when we're drunk, imagine what we could do if we were sober!

But let us get to the task at hand. Typically, we hear about The Aryan Brotherhood on MSNBC at 1am in the morning while watching reruns of Lockup and wondering to ourselves if Maricopa County Jail is the worst prison in the country. It turns out it isn't the worst in the U.S. and Sheriff Joe Arpaio is simply doing his best to run a crackerjack little facility. The worst of the worst is our very own Big Brother house and, I gotta tell ya, I love it!

I love when Ginamarie whispers to all the boys about her N-word insurance plan. My loins quiver when David calls Candice "Black Candice" (not to be confused with Black Patsy from Dance Moms) and then giggles to himself, "That was totally racist, dude." And when Candice lies on Spencer's spare tire and he asks, "Are you gonna git mah shirt all greezzy?", my nipples get hard and I start to touch myself.

This is the good stuff, folks. These people are the dregs of society and they are on display for the entire world to point and laugh at. Watching the ignorance unfold, gain traction, acquire new members and multiply is not only fascinating sociologically, but it makes me feel pretty damn awesome about myself. I look at the uneducated heathens on my screen and I feel 20 ft tall. When an adorable blonde named Aryan, who once set the boys tongues wagging with her shorty shorts and bikini shots, wishes Helen would just shut the hell up and go make her some rice, I am once again the prettiest girl in the room.

Half of the Big Brother 15 cast are skidmarks on society and I couldn't be more ecstatic about it. What do I tell you guys season after season? What do I bitch and moan about year after year? What do I claw and pine for and write blog after blog about? Other than "gin and glitter", what is my second most often used catchphrase? ENTERTAIN ME!!! I cry it from the rooftops. I punch it angrily into my Twitter. And so now that these vile displays of hatred are actually entertaining me, you expect me to be mad about it? Hell no! Give me more! Lay it on me, Aryan. Hey David, what do you think of Jews? Spencer, aren't those Latinos stealing all of our jobs? Ginamarie, Muslims. Go!

And if you think people are sitting at home offended by this bullshit you're kidding yourselves. No African American is staring into his computer watching all of this and whimpering to himself. If anything, the Houseguests behavior is doing America a favor. By pulling this nonsensical hatred out from behind the curtains and putting it on display for everyone to see, we are no longer ignoring a problem that indeed exists. In my personal life, I rarely encounter these sort of attitudes on an everyday basis. I don't live in the south - where I think these opinions tend to be more prevalent. My friends aren't bigots. My family is educated and cultured. These displays of racism and homophobia are happily something I don't ever have to deal with... until now.

Until right this very moment am I jolted awake from my strange utopia and confronted with the horrifying reality that people really think some pretty horrible stuff. I mean, wow! As a viewer I watch this and think to myself, "These people are AWFUL!" But I don't want it to suddenly stop in week one. Good god, no! I want this to continue. I want us to write about it, document it, react to it. And then in September when these public enemies emerge from the house, I want them to see and read and know everything we've been saying about them all summer long. I want them to get online and be disgusted by their behavior and embarrassed by how they've humiliated themselves and their families. What better lesson is there than to smack all of their viciousness right back into their faces and say, "Look! Look what a horrible person you are! Look at how you've offended a nation! Look!" Sweeping it under the rug and handing out warnings accomplishes nothing. It lets these assholes off the hook unscathed (because, let's face it, by September it could all be forgotten) and fancy free.

So, no, I do not want these people removed from the house. I do not want Big Brother interfering. I enjoy the outrage. It is opening up a dialogue and making the show pretty goddamn entertaining. Let them continue to be awful. Let them continue to fester and rot. And come September, we'll be the true winners of Big Brother.

So, what do you guys think about all of this? Are you going to boycott CBS until something is done about all of this? Or are you going to join me and drag these wretches names through the mud? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Sunday, June 30, 2013

Day Of Rest

And on the Sabbath day, Colette Lala has a hangover and needs to rest.

The blog will return Tuesday. In the meantime, feel free to leave any comments about the last 24 hours. And if you missed our insane podcast last night - which might clue you in as to why I have the hangover I have today - you can listen to it on iTunes for free!

The house is still going strong and getting better and better everyday. Why not take advantage of a 3-day Free Trial? Trust me, you won't regret it!

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