Friday, August 31, 2012

It's All In The Hips

Give a girl a compliment and she'll beam for a week. Tell someone who tells someone who tells someone that you called said girl "girlfriend" and she'll pierce the sky with her eyebrows for years. A scattered little dust mite may have captured the HOH, but a single white female has captured my heart. With her pudding face and button eyes, Danielle digs through the wreckage of her no-mance and searches in vain for anything sparkly or shiny. A pearl perhaps. A tiny dying ember. A speck of spittle with the light hitting it just so. Nimble sticky fingers dig through the carpet fibers like a crackhead searching for a fallen granule. It has to be here somewhere. It just has to be! *dig dig dig, claw claw claw* And since persistence pays off, Danielle will find that granule. She'll find it in the shag and she'll pluck it out with her brittle nails so she can hold it up to the light in amazement. Of course it's not a love granule at all. It's actually a tiny piece of white cheddar cheese popcorn she had from the other night, but nonetheless. Nonetheless! It gives her hope. And when you give Jennifer Jason Leigh hope, you give her purpose and a sharp stiletto. Let's recap, shall we?

Here we are again with another Endurance Comp on our hands. Houseguests perched on disks spin around the sun kind of like those tired planets in that Jimmy Dean breakfast commercial. And speaking of famous chefs like Jimmy Dean - Kerplunk! - there goes Joe. He lasted 2.5 seconds, but it was a valiant 2.5 seconds and don't you dare begrudge him that. The eviction show then winds down to a close and - Sperlunk! - whoopsie. There goes Jenn. Jenn, who thinks winning a POV by default and taking an unnecessary Slop Fo' Life punishment counts as game play. No Jenn. Sorry. You can fool yourself, but you can't fool us. Way to go on that 8.7 seconds though!

With orange jizz spewing through the air, the spinning continues as HG's duck their heads to avoid getting paint in their eyes. Actually, not all HG's duck their heads. Shane, our foppish lacy dandy, welcomes the steady stream of warm liquid. He opens his mouth and swallows. "It doesn't taste very good!" he shouts to his compatriots. "Don't eat it!" And then he mumbles, "More for me. Yum!" He's a tricky trickster, that one. Speaking of Shane, Little Lord Fauntleroy was quite the Chatty Cathy last night. Gab, gab, gab, he went. A compliment for you dear sir! And a compliment for you gentle lady! A silk hanky to his lips and brass buckles on his jodhpurs, Shane was a Wildean hero in a top hat and tails standing on tippy toes inviting everyone over for tea. Was it nervous gibberish? Was it tinkle worthy excitement? Or maybe, perhaps, just a little bit of both?

Round and round we go. Dan grips the rope for realsies this time while Ian hangs on determined to win at all costs. But it is my Southern Belle Danielle that my attention is focused on. Thick tree trunk legs in shorty short shorts firmly plant themselves on the round disk as she closes her eyes and thinks of Vermont. She dreams of maple syrup dripped over thick buttermilk pancakes, of lying naked on a bear skin rug in a log cabin, of gripping tight to her gelled paramour under a fluffy duvet while the fire crackles quietly in the background. She could make a home in Vermont. She could tend to the elderly (i.e. forget to fill their feeding tubes) and share pastel tank tops with her wispy man friend. She could go to the farmer's market on Saturdays and lock her children up in the closets on Sundays. Those are reasons to win. Those are reasons to ensure one's safety in this game. Those are reasons to... oh god, the spinning.

The infernal spinning. Lost in her daydreams with her eyes squeezed shut, Danielle forgot about the spinning! Round and round... twirling, twirling... her gastrointestinal juices begin to burble as she feels that familiar creeping. The pea soup. It's rising. It's making its way up her esophagus and... and... oh holy hell she has to jump. Flergle! That's the sound Danielle makes when she hits the mat. Flergle.

No time to be sad about it though. Danielle is gonna hurl. With her head spinning like a top, Danielle teeters her way over to the sidelines and falls to her knees. She wretches up the imaginary pancakes and the fresh berries. The warm buttered toast and the mug of the hot cocoa. And when she's done she stares at Vermont in the trash bag. Her lips go thin into a straight line. All of that hard work for nothing! She won't give up though. She won't! She'll get Vermont back. Oh don't you worry, she'll get it back.

Back out in the solar system, we're down to Dan, Ian, and Shane. Or, we were down to those three. No more, bitches. No more. Dan is out and something tells me that it wasn't entirely planned. He looks visibly annoyed (unlike how he looked on the Poop Ship Lollipop where the acting merited a Razzie) and apologizes to his wife.

The weird part was when he stayed fetal though. He quite possibly could have been dizzy and just waiting to get some sort of equilibrium back in his body OR he could have been plotting. Swirling ideas around his head and planning another funeral for himself. He's got that weird look in his eyes that is very reminiscent of the rave he lived in for a day.

With Dan out of the game, Shane and Ian are overjoyed. Shane yells, "What's up Ian?!" Ian replies enthusiastically and the two wonder which one of them will end up with the HOH bathroom. The peanut gallery watches from he sidelines and we have one very unhappy looking carrot.

Neither of our final two are prepared to give up the prize of HOH as Shane tells Ian that he can be up there all night. Ian replies, "Alright Shanezers." Shanezers. *sigh* Meet Shanezers. Shanezers is a horribly awful cutesy pet name given to a lad who holds his personal items in a wicker basket. Some men pretending to be European carry a man purse. Other city men lug around a satchel/messenger bag. Shanezers, however, carries a wicker basket with a seafoam green satin bow tied on top.

After several more minutes of spinning around the sun, Shanezers and Ian ask the others to go inside so they can talk. Immediately, Ian tells Shane that he has no intention of nominating him or back dooring him. Shane will be completely safe this week. Shane asks Ian if he's sure. He checks and double checks and, finally, when satisfied for his safety, says he'll jump. "Should I do it now? Should we wait for them to come back out? You want me to jump now?" he asks. Ian tells him he better jump soon because he doesn't want to hit that comet thing again and accidentally fall. So, with the others still inside, Shane jump and Ian wins to very little fanfare.

In silence Ian stays on his disk and holds on for dear life refusing to drop until he hears from Big Brother himself that he has indeed won. The feeds cut for a second and when they return we find Shane and Ian congratulating one another. Ian says he needed that victory for Britney who told him to win today. The two shake hands before moving inside.

Once inside, this is what we find. Gah! That doesn't look like a happy to see me face Jenn. As a matter of fact, that looks like a "What the hell did I do last week?" kind of a face. Jenn whispers to random people that she think she's going on the block. Yup. You are. You're not really the target, but you're definitely going up.

Meanwhile, if we make our way into the bathroom, we'll find a scene sent from heaven. We have Shane naked in the shower and Danielle lingering and gazing from nearby. Shane's hands hurt him and his biceps are sore. All he wants to do is feel the warm water over his skin and take a 5 minute respite from this crazy ass game. Silly boy! Doesn't he know that Danielle vomited up Vermont earlier? She's on a mission to get it back and that mission starts here. So with Shane washing off the jizz and the cold, Danielle lurks and whispers, "Shane! Shane! Shane!" Seriously, she was frantically whispering his name and I suppose we'll never know if Shane was ignoring her (yup) or couldn't hear her (nope) over the running water.

When Shane finally emerges from the shower, Danielle tries again, "Shane! Shane! Shane!" Unaware, Shane towels off and studies his raw hands. "Shane! Shane! You need to share a bed with me tonight because the boys will want to sleep in our room," Danielle orders. Shane nods silently and makes his way over to the vanity. Danielle hisses, "Shane! Quick!" I'm not sure what other secrets she has to tell him, but he shoos her away and focuses on his wet hair instead. Danielle then jumps up from the chair and grabs his pink lace panties, his pants, and his shoes for him. She stands holding them hostage while Shane begrudgingly walks over to her to retrieve them.
Once she has Shane within earshot, Danielle announces, "I can't believe I threw up on myself. I even got some on me." *smacks self in head* Danielle, puss, we're going to have to work on your seduction skills. You don't tell a guy you got puke on yourself! You tell him the cold water made your nipples hard or something. Not like a nipple comment will mean anything to Shane, but it's better than puke.

And this brings us to BBAD where we find out the details of Joe's punishment for going out first in the competition. Joe has to attend Hula Hoop Bootcamp. *stares blankly* I'm sure you're wondering what Hula Hoop Bootcamp is and why exactly it's a punishment. Whenever Reveille plays over the loud speaker, Joe has to get up and hula hoop for the length of the music. I don't know about you, but that sounds awesome to me.

In the lull between the showers and dinner, we find Danielle and Jenn sitting in the Foot Room. Danielle is unpacking while Jenn is pouting. Jenn breaks her pout and tells Danielle that she heard from someone who heard from someone who heard from someone that Shane may have called Danielle his girlfriend. Danielle drops the Daisy Duke shorts in her hands and a slow cheshire cat smile spreads across her face. "Really? He said that? Really?!?" she asks. Jenn nods as Danielle's eyes widen and the color returns to her cheeks. Vermont! It's back! She giggles and tosses her hair over her shoulders. With a breathy voice she leans into Jenn and tells her that Shane hasn't even kissed her in 29 days, 47 minutes, and 54 seconds. He hasn't kissed her since the Poop Ship Lollipop. Jenn shrugs and says, "Well, that's what I heard."

Out in the kitchen area while the pizzas cook, Reveille begins to play and Joe stands up. He stands and spins the hula hoop around his waist and then watches it hit the floor. Danielle leaps up and says, "No! Like this." She then humps the air and gazes over her shoulder to make sure that Shane is watching. Joe hurls the hoop around himself again and, again, it hits the floor. When the music finally stops, Danielle snags the hula hoop away from Joe and stands proudly in the center of the kitchen ready to show off. The only problem is that homegirl can't hula hoop to save her life. She bucks wildly gyrating this way and that as the hoop crashes to the floor at her feet. She tries over and over again to make the hoop spin, but nothing will keep the plastic ring on her hips.

Defeated and bored with the hula hoop, Danielle drops it and walks away when up comes a dandy. Shane looks down at the hula hoop, kicks it up into his hands with his foot, places it over his head, and spins. He spins it up and down his arms, across his hips, with one foot in the air, and while in a handstand. Shane is a hula hooping fool. "It's all in the hips," he announces. Indeed it is, Shane.

We jump ahead to Ian getting his HOH room and once again Frank is there to provide the necessary commentary. "Diet Deeewwwww!", "Diet Cooooke!", "Do-ri-tos!", "Pierogies!", "Rice Chexxx!", "Frescaaaaa!" Oh shut up Frank. Ian then unwraps a crystallized hunk of Bismuth while Danielle stuffs Rice Krispy Treats in her bra. "Bismuth is probably one of my favorite elements," Ian declares. As fascinating as that is, everyone is incredibly bored by it all.

The one interesting part of the HOH reveal was Ian's letter from home. His mom tells him to play smart and not be afraid to make decisions that benefit his personal game. In an instant, Frank, Joe, Dan, and Jenn all stared uncomfortably at the floor. Someone finally breaks the silence by asking Ian about the stuffed snaked he got in his basket. Ian explains that he won it at some place like Chuck E. Cheese and again everyone fell asleep. Ian looks around the room and says he knows that they're all bored so they can all leave if they want. Even he wants to leave his own HOH room.

Towards the end of BBAD, Frank makes his way up to the HOH room to check in with Ian. Ian puts his head in his hands and tells Frank that he has a lot of thinking to do tonight, but if Frank wants to leave him with some thoughts to sleep on, he can. Frank then advises Ian to figure out who he wants to work with in the game. He understands if Ian doesn't want to take him to the final two, but Ian has made some pretty big moves himself in the game. He won 2 HOH's, a POV, and took out Boogie. Ian grimaces and says he still feels like Frank is the one to beat in the end. Ian's main focus at this point in the game is final two and he is concerned about the jury votes that Frank can pull in.

Frank tells Ian that if he wants to work with him, then he gets Jenn too as part of the deal. Whoop dee fucking do! Jenn. That's a big help! Frank goes on and tells Ian that he feels like Jenn is the only one he can trust. Frank assures Ian that he still hates Dan and wants him out of the game. Ian cocks an eyebrow and asks, "Really?" Frank says Dan will always be his number one target. Don't believe it Ian! If Dan was his target, then he wouldn't be sitting downstairs right now in his funky shorts. (Note: Dan is extremely filthy. I'm not just saying this because I don't like him. He revealed a few days ago that he goes commando in his black & white shorts and hasn't washed them in 4 years. Also, he didn't bother to shower last night after the HOH comp. And, do you remember how last night Britney said the Have-Not room smelled really bad? Blech!)

So, that's where I'll end this today. Look for Ian to nominate Frank & Jenn with Frank being the target.

So, what do you guys think of Ian winning HOH? Should he go after Frank or Dan? Will Joe ever learn to hula hoop? Will Danielle ever get kissed again? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Monday, August 27, 2012

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP... breakbeats, backbeats, snare drum, hi-hat. Ahuh, ahuh, a hi-hat. Chicka chicka hi-hat... THUMP, THUMP. Rolling in the deep, pissing in a river... remix, rhythmics, skeptics, Chex Mix. Athu-thu-THUMP IT. Thumper. Bumper. BB base jumper. Thumper... rabbit. Rabbit... carrot. Chop chop chop, mirepoix, pinot noir, give me some of that je ne sais quoi. Jump to the rhythm. Jump, jump to the rhythm, jump. Thumper jumps. Boing, boing. Thumper eats carrots. Chomp, chomp. The carrot in this house has a festering vocal ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass... Pull a rabbit out of my ass and feed it to the carrot. That's it! Yo, house meeting!

The above is a snippet of Dan's inner monologue while he was locked inside of a rave for 24 hours.
Let's recap, shall we?

When Gloria Estefan said the rhythm is gonna get you, she wasn't lying. The rhythm is gonna get you Jenn and it's gonna get you Ian. Oh, and you too Britney! O eh, o eh, o eh, o eh. O eh, o oh ah, o eh, o oh ah. So after 24 hours inside of a rave, Dan has turned to the beats for inspiration and he has come up with a plan. First up, feign a wiggedy whack rave illness and make the house think you're nuts.

Dan emerges shakily from the rave party room and shuffles with exhaustion over to the Arcade Room. The lights, the godforsaken infernal lights keep spinning. Purples, blues, pinks, and reds. Or at least that is what he wants everyone else to think. We live feeders, however, get a wink and a thumbs up from the lad. He's faking. He's faking it all, but... "Dan, I'm here! I will NOT let you die on my table. Elevate your legs. Here, let me take your pulse." Nurse Danielle to the rescue! She grabs Dan by the end of his nose and begins to count. "Um, what are you doing?" he asks. "Shh! I'm taking your pulse. I think you're suicidal. Plus, you might have the scurvy. We'll have to open you up. Hold still."

After a quick exploratory procedure which left Dan's bowels on the right side of the room and his pancreas on the left, Danielle has concluded that Dan was having nothing more than a panic attack. 20 milligrams of Dexedrine, stat! While Dan rests quietly and attempts to place his inner organs back where they may have come from, Danielle scrubs out of surgery and reports her findings to Britney who is awaiting nervously in the Living Room. "Dan will be fine. I had to remove his spleen and give him a pap smear, but he should be A OK by the morning," Danielle reports. Britney sighs with relief and picks at an imaginary blemish on her face, "Thank god. It's this game. The game is getting to him."

And here is where I ran off to do the Big Brother Gossip Show for a couple of hours. You can check it out HERE.

Just as our Podcast was winding down and I had reached the bottom of the wine bottle I was sucking on, I turned to the feeds and saw what live feeders live for - a house meeting! *glitter falls from the sky* House meetings are delicious hot messes of chaos full of galavanting and arm waving. And this house meeting was particularly special and odd because it was being run by Dan. Carpet fiber Dan.

Dan had prepared for it earlier after reconnecting his major arteries after Danielle's surgery. He paced for a mo', gave himself a pep talk, and practiced a few key phrases he didn't want to forget. And now, it's showtime! With a trembling lower lip and a tear in his eye, Dan begins what he calls his funeral. As everyone knows, Dan has always felt like he was going to die young. *looks around in confusion* And since he'll probably die in 72 hours from the infection Danielle just gave him from operating with a pair of chopsticks and some Twizzlers, Dan wants to take this opportunity to thank everyone one by one for their contributions to the game.

"Joe, thank you for cooking your awesome turkey burgers. I only have 3 more doses of Cipro left to take and the typhoid will be all cleared up so thanks man!" *Joe beams*

"Shane, Captain America, you're the type of guy I want to date my sister. "*a dagger out of nowhere stabs Shane in the forehead* Sigh. Danielle. "Keep searching for that special woman Shane because one day you'll find her." Shane places a tissue over his gushing head wound and tearfully replies, "I appreciate that."

"Jenn, I've never met a lesbian before. And had I seen you on the street with all of your tattoos and lesbian-ness, I would have prejudged you and probably called the cops on your misfit looking ass. I can't wait to rock out with you at the finale!" *Jenn does that sideways lip smirk thing and nods emphatically*

"Britney, I know you were untrusting of me and I probably was of you too. No matter what happens we have a bond being newlyweds." *Britney reaches for a box of tissues and dabs her tears*

"Ian, *Dan breaks down and has to take a moment*, Ian, I thought you'd be evil, but everyone knows there isn't an evil bone in your body. The more time I spend with you, the more you remind me of myself. Stop being so hard on yourself buddy. Only you can stand in the way of you." *Ian squenches up his face and cries*

"Frank, we started out with so much in common, so much passion for this game. There are a couple of things I want to apologize to you for and, if you'll let me, I'd like to go upstairs with you later and read to you from the Bible." *Frank stares and adjusts his leafy greens while Shane begins to burble loudly*

"Finally, we come to Danielle. But first, no one insult me. No one talk game with me. If you choose to talk game with me, I'll scream your name and tell you to stop it." *scratches head* Everyone in the room shifts uncomfortably wonder where this is going.

"The last time I played this game I learned tough lessons. You have to find one person and put your trust in them. For me, that was Memphis. Memphis always had my back. Danielle, when I saw you standing there I thought you'd be similar to Memphis. I was wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! You are NO Memphis, woman! I will NEVER trust you again. You know what you did to me. You are dead to me now. DEAD!" *bites fist*

Danielle's breathing begins to pick up pace as her jaw slowly, ever so slowly, thunks down to the floor.

Dan spins again in his technicolor coat and points at Danielle, "DEAD! Do you hear me? DEAD. TO. ME."

The entire room quietly gasps and drops the tissues they were dabbing their own tears with. Shane scrambles on the ground to pick them all up and give them to the now inconsolable Danielle. No one can quite understand what just happened - especially Danielle. We're going to need an old priest and a young priest, stat!

Dan spins his coat again and walks straight out of room. The only sound we can hear is the frantic hyperventilating of our Dothraki princess. Finally Jenn speaks, "He fucking set her up." Britney nods and agrees. She says Dan set it all up to call out Danielle. Danielle begins to burble pea soup all over Shane's lilac shirt as Britney continues to sit in confusion, "Where did that come from?" The pea soup or the Dan thing, Britney? I think the pea soup came from Hades and that Dan thing just now came from the pulsating rhythms of 120 beats per minute.

Frank quietly gets up and then scurries upstairs to meet with Dan in the HOH. The two sit across from one another on the couch as Dan lets it rip. Not the fart. No, that was Frank. Dan lets his secrets rip. *rrrrrip rrrrrip* He's ripping them wide open. He tells Frank that the information he is about to tell him will change his entire game. But first, Dan wants to swear on the Bible and his wedding ring. Dan places one hand on the Bible and swears that from here on out he will only tell Frank the truth. Is that why he has been fake reading the Bible all this time? For a move like this?

Naturally, Franks eyes widen as he can't wait to hear what Dan has to say. Dan proceeds to tell Frank all about the Quack Pack and Ian. He tells Frank how Ian was the rat who pulled the wool over Frank & Boogie's eyes. He was working for Dan & Company the entire time and telling them all of Frank & Boogie's innermost secrets. Furthermore, Dan says that Danielle was supposed to throw the POV to let him win, but she didn't. *Bible bursts into flames* She didn't throw it because Britney got to her beforehand and turned her against Dan. Dan tells Frank that he was once good enough to be a part of Chill Town. Now, he's good enough to join the Renegades and be in a final two deal with Dan. Dan knows he can't win this game again. He says no one will give him the $500,000 (rrrrright) and that he'd like to see Frank win this game if at all possible.

Dan tells Frank that he wants Jenn to use the veto on him and have either Britney or Joe go up in his place. Frank tells Dan that he wouldn't mind going to final three with Joe. Dan warns him that there is no way you can trust Joe. He's more of a liability than a help. Dan is pushing for a Danielle, Frank, Jenn, and Dan final four. He says that the next HOH comp will definitely be endurance and there is no way Ian will win it. They need to get rid of Britney, Ian, and then Joe.

Frank sits quietly for a moment and stares from the Bible, which lies in a pile of ashes, to Dan and then back to the Bible again. You got a deal! *WHAT?!?* Frank is in. He's all in. He believes that Dan wants to go to the end with him and that Dan sincerely wants him to win all the cabbage his stinky rabbit heart desires. Frank and Dan shake on a final two deal and Frank promises to try to get Jenn to use the veto on him so they can get Britney on the block.

*stares blankly while dumping all the chilled bowls of glitter down the sink one by one by one*

Dan leaves the HOH because now he has to deal that puddle Danielle. He finds her in the Arcade Room where she instantly turns her back on him and tells him to get away.

Dan leans in with his smug face and says that he has just saved them both. Danielle bats her eyelashes through the tears and doesn't quite understand what he's saying. Dan confesses that calling her out in the house meeting was all part of his plan to save them both. Danielle whispers that she wishes he would have told her beforehand. Dan replies, "I couldn't because I needed you to cry." Danielle half smiles and says she knew he was going to play with her emotions. Her cumbersome silly emotions. Her "Oh these? They're just my fascinating emotions." Oh Dan! *Danielle giggles and smacks him lightly* She whispers, "My heart is broken, but I think Jenn has a crush on me."

Dan tells her that from here on out Frank will take care of everything and they just need to trust him. He is going to try to get Jenn to use the veto and put Britney on the block. Danielle replies, "I puked up my dinner and had an asthma attack. I was hyperventilating." Dan ignores her and tells her that even though he made a final two deal with Frank, he really wants to go final two with Danielle. Frank will most likely do something stupid with the prize money whereas Danielle will use it to buy a house in Vermont.

If we mosey on back upstairs we'll find Frank and Jenn in the HOH. Frank tells her all about how Ian was the mole and how she should use the veto and the join the new final four with Danielle, Dan, and himself. Jenn is worried about Britney going up on the block because she kind of wanted to keep the girls together, but Frank assures her that they'll trick Joe into voting out Britney. Frank tells her that they need to do this for Boogie. And then Jenn agrees.

JENN AGREES. She sits there in her dumb ass hat and actually buys this big ole pile of b.s. *hurls decanter across the room* What is going on here?! What in the sam hell is going on? Ok fine, Dan came up with a plan, but it was SO transparent! It was so clearly devised to save himself. Almost the entire house commented on how obvious it was after the house meeting! Why else would he walk out of that rave room with one day left to go before the POV ceremony and stir shit up? These people. These people! *kicks cauldron* I know some of you dear readers are Dan fans and you're probably all proud right now, but let me deliver this to you... Joe doesn't buy it for a second. Joe! French Fry Face Joe sees right through it. He knows exactly what Dan is up to and if Joe can figure it out, then you know, you know, this house is full of window lickers. Can I give credit to Dan for pulling a fast one over a bunch of spineless ninnies? Nope. No way. Not gonna do it. I'm crossing my arms and pouting over this one for days to come. Just write the man his check already. Just get it over with and put me out of my misery.

So, what do you guys think of Dan mindfucking everyone into submission? Would you have fallen for it? What is it about him that makes people want to trust him? What magical ether did he breathe into Frank's face up in that HOH room? Why is Jenn such a sucker with stupid hats? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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