Saturday, July 28, 2012

Pucker Up

Coco Chanel once said that a person should wear perfume wherever they are most likely to be kissed. Maybe a dab on the neck, a tease in between one's shoulder blades, a gentle wisp behind the ear or perhaps a long tender stroke along the length of one's inner thigh. The same rule of thumb holds true in the Big Brother house which is why we have a lot overly amber woodsy top notes emanating from Shane's ass today. Stick your face up to Shane's rump and it's Guerlain's Shalimar, I shit you not. So, what does a neon fop do when his ass is shined to perfection with ancient scents from the Orient? Why, he dresses like the third member of Wham!, deflects to the hag, and tries to convince us he likes women. Let's recap, shall we?

(I didn't get to watch all that much yesterday, but I really hate abandoning the blog for too many days so here's a brief recap of what I managed to see.)

We begin the day with Janelle and Wil. Two miserable shrews if you ask me. Anyhow, both harpies think that Joe will be a very difficult person to get out of the house. For one, he's old. And B) he cooks. Umm ok. Yeah, I don't get the logic there either. Regardless, Janelle is worried about the upcoming Coaches' Competition. She has to win in order to save Wil, but her ole bones, they are a' crackin'. The bed she's sleeping on reaches up in the middle of the night and smacks her around or something. I'm not sure what's going on there, but the ole gal needs some Celebrex. 

Wil sits sneering and wonders what the upcoming twist could possibly be. He theorizes that maybe someone will come back into the game and Janelle will get to pick who she wants. Janelle tells him she'd bring back Kara to which Wil scoffs that Kara would probably go right back home again. All of this silly twist talk really means nothing and Wil is completely overthinking it. Look Streisand, it's the Coaches entering the game - it's exactly what Willie warned you about!

Janelle continues gnawing on her tentacles and begins to worry that Wil will go home this week. Wil shrugs his shoulders and sniggers to himself that he's really not all that big of a competitor. He says, "I'm no Shane or Frank." I agree with you on that Wil. The problem is that you're anti. You're anti-everything and everyone which makes you extremely untrustworthy. Plus, you keep saying you're playing you're own game, but sorry Goldilocks, all I see is you doing Janelle's bidding.

The conversation turns to Ashley and how Janelle thinks that Ashley is not only really smart, but is playing up the dumb card. Wil sort of agrees. He agrees for Janelle's benefit, but you kind of get the impression that he really doesn't agree within his own soul. Janelle says that Danielle, on the other hand, is exactly how she comes off - sweet and naive. A pudding faced simpleton with button eyes and squishy cheeks. She's essentially a rag doll.

Like every other conversation in the house, this one eventually makes it way back to Willie. My sweet little leg of lamb Willie. Covered in mint jelly Willie. Wil doesn't think for one second that Shane and JoJo weren't aligned with Willie up until the very end. Wil's biggest pet peeve, the one thing that tangles his petticoats, is when people don't own up to their actions. Then his upper lip crawls up his nostril and he whines about how Shane should have voted with them during week one. For someone who claims to be so independent, he sure does talk along about everyone doing things together as a group. Personally, I hate it when the house votes together. It's boring, it's predictable, and it's a bunch of sheeple not thinking for themselves. Why shouldn't Shane vote how he wants to vote? Butt out Wil.

Up in the HOH we find Shane and Frank. Shane is telling Frank that Joe was in his ear early on telling him that he needs to go after Frank this week. Now, I don't put a lot of stock into anything Joe says, but for the love of God, Shane - he's right! Frank rolls his eyes in response and claims that he's not surprised at all that Joe has turned on him. Shane then begins to comfort Frank but assuring him that he hasn't made a choice about nominations yet. He does, however, want to be true to Frank. Alright, what's the deal here? Does Frank have beer flavored nipples or something? Why is Shane so eager to protect a guy who wanted his ass gone last week? Shane then reveals that his goal this week is to get rid one of Janelle's people. Call me crazy, but I say you get rid of your toughest competitor. Stop focusing on the damn teams and take out anyone who can beat you in competitions! i.e. Frank. Frank!

Shane then tells Frank that his main target this week is Wil. You know, because Wil is so brawny and winning. Shane knows that Frank has a final Oceanic Six deal with Wil so how does he feel about Wil going on the block? Frank can barely hold his giggles in, that's how he feels. Of course he's fine with it. Of course! What is going to say Shane? "Oh no, don't put up one of my weak alliance members from Janelle's team. Put up someone from Boogie's team instead." What-ever.

Frank's only issue with Wil going on the block is that Janelle's team supported him last week (yeah, supported you in wanting Shane out). Shane then thanks Frank for not backdooring him last week. He. Thanks. Him. This is Shane's HOH yet he's the one kissing everyone's ass. It's Bizarro World Big Brother is what it is. Frank quickly blames the backdoor plan on Boogie (lie). If you'll remember, Boogie was the one who made the deal not to backdoor Shane. It was Frank who threw the temper tantrum and yelled at everyone to stop talking game when Shane won that POV.

(How does Shane get his tennies so white?)

It's at this point when Paranoid Patty comes barreling through the door. It's Britney and she caught a whiff on the wind that Shane was doing something without her. Here's the thing - inexplicably, Shane has a secret deal with Frank. I don't know the details of the secret deal, but I think it's something like - Shane protects Frank until the end of time and Frank tries like hell to get Shane out of the game. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

Anyhow, Britney has joined the conversation and has promptly taken it over. Shane, however misguided, has it under control, but Britney is under the impression that this is her HOH. Frank gets up to leave and the second he's out the door, Britney reprimands Shane for revealing too much. She says that everything Shane said to Frank will end up back in Boogie's ear. She tells Shane to nominate Frank and Wil unless Frank gets saved in the Coaches' Competition. Earlier she saw Frank and Wil talking together and thinks they must be up to no good. This revelation surprises Shane, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to protect Frank. He tells Britney that he wants to get rid of one of Janelle's players this week because he thinks Boogie's team will protect him next week.

With Britney everything Shane says is in one ear and out the other. It's either her way or the highway. She interrupts him, never lets him finish a thought, and dictates how his HOH should go. It doesn't take Shane long to fall into her trap of complete submission. He asks Britney what they should do if Janelle wins the Coaches Comp and saves Wil. He asks like a little boy, "Then Joe and Frank?" Britney ignores his silly inquiries and states that they simply can't let Janelle win the competition. Britney says that Dan told her he'd fight to win. Dan. Dan, the guy who throws everything.

And now we arrive at something so infuriating that every part of me is still seething. Britney finally admits that Willie wasn't being homophobic at all back when he was talking about Wil - back during that awfulness that set my fig newton into a downward spiral. She explains how Willie did nothing derogatory and how it was all completely blown out of proportion. *stares blankly* She says this now. Today. NOW. Would it have killed her to say this back when, oh I don't know, the entire house believed the lies and turned on my pumpkin pie Willie?!? What. The. Fuck. Britney is a coach. A coach protects her team. They're supposed to look out for their best interest. It still chaps my ass that Britney couldn't speak up when it mattered most. If she's not shutting up her team members, she's running from them whenever they have a problem. Britney is truly truly awful. Worst coach ever.

OK so the Coaches Competition comes and goes and horribly awful Janelle wins it and saves Wil. Joe and Ian are Have-Not's (Ian volunteered again) and America, dumb ass America, voted to give them cereal and salmon. As someone who lives off of Special K and salmon, that sounds like heaven to me. It should be heaven to Joe too! Salmon is a chef's dream. You can cook it a million ways to Sunday and with the accoutrements he's allowed to use, you'd think he'd be overjoyed. But no. No! Joe is bunged up and freaking out. In addition, Boogie won some money and gave $3000 to Ian and $1000 to Jenn.

Up in the HOH room we find Shane, Boogie, and Britney. All Shane and Britney care about is keeping Shane safe next week. Boogie seems open to negotiations as long as Frank stays safe this week. You see that Britney? You see how Boogie is protecting Frank? Novel idea, isn't it?  If Shane has to put Frank on the block, Boogie wants assurance that Frank won't end up going home. Britney thinks it's best for them to put up one person from Boogie's team and one from Janelle's team. For some reason, she thinks doing this will keep Shane safer - instead of the obvious of then having TWO teams going after him.

The afternoon leading up to the Nomination Ceremony continues to be hectic and fragrant. Fragrant because of all the Shalimar ass kissing. Joe trundles his carcass up to the HOH and hopes the breakfast in bed he served Shane (which he later divulged the DR told him to do - yuck!) was enough to keep him off the block. Shane tells Joe that he needs to worry about who will protect him next week. Britney, however, interjects and tries to squash anything Shane says. She tells Joe that it is pointless to have these conversations right now. It's best to wait until after POV. Even Jenn makes an appearance in the HOH. It's brief and boring and kiss assy.

The Nomination Ceremony comes and goes and we discover that Joe and Ashley have been nominated for eviction. Joe's reaction is one of a little punk. His heart starts to race and his blood pressure rises. He crawls into the DR to hyperventilate and, most likely, yell.

Janelle is also none too pleased. She wants to know why Shane put up two of her people. Britney tells her that she feels like Janelle really burnt her in week one and messed up her game. Janelle replies by avoiding the question and telling her that Frank is the one they should all be scared of. He's the one who should be the target. As much as I dislike Janelle, I agree with her on this. I don't know what it is about Frank that convinces people he's loyal and to look out for him, but it is indeed scary. He hasn't really proved to be all that physically threatening as of yet and his HOH win was kind of a fluke, but I heartily think that psychologically (and magically) he is incredibly dangerous. It's not that he's all that bright, it's that his hair holds a magic potion that makes people want to protect him. If Britney and Janelle were smart, they'd shave that mop while he slept and be done with it.

On the flipside, here's how Ashley reacted. Her eyeballs got stuck in her skull and she spent the rest of the night banging on her head trying to get them back in place.

So, that's where I'll end this today. I'm hoping for the blog to return mid next week. In the meantime, gather around and listen to me good. You DO NOT want to miss the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight. You do not, you do not, you do not! I don't want to give anything away, but bring your fig newtons, your lamb, your pork and pumpkin pies, and any outstanding OWI warrants you have lying around. Viva la revolucion!

So, what do you think of Shane's nominations? Is he making a mistake by protecting Frank? Will Joe have a heart attack before the end of the weekend? What the name of the 80's warehouse Shane shops at? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Free Willie

TMZ reports that my little fig newton, Willie Hantz, was arrested in Louisiana last night for suspicion of operating a vehicle while intoxicated. According to an update by the lad himself, our scrumptious cream puff was boozing it up with fans last night at a bar called Bootleggers - "Lafayette downtown at bootleggers tonight. Walk up with your dukes up and I'll headbutt you for free" 

Drunk driving is bad.

But I still blame Allison Grodner! Had she kept Willie in the house, Big Brother 14 would be entertaining and the General wouldn't be in Ad-Seg right now waiting with a baggie of feces in his hand for a prison guard to walk by.

Drunk driving is bad.

I guess the best we can hope is that Willie learns a lesson from all of this. A very valuable lesson... Newports are worth so much more than Parliaments.


He's out!

(photo via @SurvivorShannon)

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Thug Life

 Another day in Pelican Bay State Prison. Home to California's most dangerous criminals, Pelican Bay is a remarkably sleepy village. The inmates seldom fight and on the rare occasion that they do, the warden takes them out back and shoots them from the guard tower. It's all very Shawshank Redemption. Just make the bitch her money and you'll live to see the yard another day. Defy her and you'll lose all mobility while spending the rest of your life drinking your dinner through a straw. Prison life isn't easy and it will harden a person's soul. Each day you spend behind bars those soft fluffy parts of you that exist within congeal and curdle hardening over time into an unflappable shell. Your view of the world distorts and lives become equal to a pack of smokes and a handy under the covers. It's a cruel cruel world bitches so pop a squat and grab some cawfee. Let's recap, shall we?

Our no Willie lazy day begins with a smattering of Houseguests on the backyard couch. Ashley's meds have worn off and she has got a bone to pick with Jenn. You see, two nights ago Ashley had a mini breakdown over her decision to keep Frank. She misses her best good friend Kara and doesn't appreciate all of the Willie bashing going on in the house. (I don't appreciate it either!) In that droopy hooded eye way she has, Ashley is angry that Jenn shared Ashley's meltdown with others in the house. Ashley says she's never been malicious in this house and she feels like the Houseguests are making her out to be a bad guy simply for missing a mute Playmate.

Listening to this, Jenn would prefer it if they could have this conversation in private, but Ashley is too comatose to move right now. From 10am - 8pm, Ashley rides her liquid melt and floats through the house like a slow moving fog. So, fastened to the sofa, Ashley gurgles about how her comment about missing Kara was blown way out of proportion. From now on, she just won't talk anymore. It gets her into too much trouble, that whole talking thing.

Jenn isn't satisfied with Ashley's weirdo reaction and, in a very Britney like manner, pokes and prods Ashley hoping to get a reaction she'll be satisfied with. Ashley, however, continues to sigh repeatedly. She's clearly bothered, but her face is a blank slate giving off the impression that she's not bothered. It's passive aggressive on a lithium diet personified. She might have a few of those Survivor morphine kazoos in her bra and when no one is looking she leans over and takes a giant drag off from her breasticles.

Unsatisfied, Jenn and Wil are in the Foot Room having a massive bitch fest. Wil is doing that thing where he sneers all the time while Jenn is rehashing the nonincident over and over and over again. Wil says that if Ashley wants to sabotage her own game then so be it. But she better not sabotage theirs. Jenn says that Ashley feels like she was attacked even though she wasn't.

Also, Ashley has been concerned lately that Frank is in a final two deal with Ian. Frank tried to reassure her that this wasn't the case, but Ashley is a hard nut to crack. Not because she's a hardened criminal or anything, but because of her short term memory loss. Talking to Ashley in the game of Big Brother is like that Drew Barrymore movie 50 First Dates. She'll pledge her alliance to a certain group of people and then completely forget about it 5 minutes later. It's like 50 First Alliances and it's absolutely exhausting. I used to think Ashley was a savant genius who was playing the whole house, but now I think she can't even remember what her name is.

Anyhow, Wil is pissed off that Ashley is upset about anything at all. The bitch got her key already for the week so how dare she be angry about anything. Wil thinks that Ashley has zero appreciation for everything he has done for her and that she is only caring about her own game. No offense Wil but whose game should be worrying about? Yours? You selfish cow.

Speaking of Wil, he's really beginning to chap my ass. I wanted to like him. In fact, I wanted to love him and I did for a hot minute, but he's tight with Joe, he won't let the Willie thing go, and all he does it get mad at anyone more interesting than he is. Plus, he hates it when others think for themselves and don't do whatever it is he is thinking that day. It bothers him to no end that Ashley won't just blindly go along with her BB-given alliance. And let's face it, that's what all of these alliances are. Big Brother forced the HG's to create dumb ass teams and now those dumb ass teams are arbitrary alliances.

After bitching to Wil for a sufficient enough time, Jenn moves into the Lounge to talk to Dan. They're talking about her music which is probably the only thing that makes Jenn not so annoying gamewise. Again, I want to love Jenn - I really do. I'm trying. I haven't given up on her yet. I just need her to stop being so passive aggressive. So anyhow, Dan is grilling Jenn on her music which is how he plays the game. He's creating relationships without being overly kiss assy and pushy. It's not a bad strategy I guess. It's just really freaking boring to watch.

Off in another room, we meet a new Houseguest. Meet Shana. Shana likes to wear curlers in her hair until 6pm and breed rabbits in her tiny apartment. She drinks box wine with ice cubes in it and yells at the neighborhood dogs. Shana is a welcome addition to the house except her belches smell like maraschino cherries... which is odd considering there are no cherries in the house. So yeah, that's Shana.

While Dan is trying to help out his girl Danielle, we have Britney bitching and moaning about life. She hates this, she hates that. You suck, they suck, I suck. Life is so miserable. Shana wasn't even funny. Bitch, bitch, moan, moan. Oh woe is Britney. Hey Brit, how about working for your team some time? You remember them, right? Shane and JoJo? JoJo is, you know, on the block!

So, after many hours, Jenn finally gets her private chat with Ashley. Only, JoJo interrupts them and warns them that the girls keep losing and the guys will be running this game in no time. Jenn insists that the girls are trying to win, but are having no luck. Meanwhile, Ashley mumbles to herself about taking a 24 hour hiatus from talking game.

Luckily for us, Ashley's brain resets every 5 minutes so as soon as JoJo leaves she begins to talk game. Ashley apologizes to Jenn for how she's been acting and insists she's been avoiding Jenn to throw off the rest of the house. She doesn't want Shane and Danielle to know that Jenn's team is working with Ashley's team. At this point, I have no idea if this is true. I can never tell with Ashley. I swear, I haven't been able to get a read on this girl since day one. Jenn replies by saying she feels very disrespected by how Ashley has been treated her. Here's the thing, Jenn always feels disrespected. Whether it's a look, a breath, or a fart, chances are Jenn is disrespected by it.

The conversation turns to Wil and how Ashley is very put off by him. Not only does she think he's a floater, but she believes he's extremely paranoid and cutthroat. She wonders if he'll turn on her the way he turned on Kara. Jenn advises Ashley to keep Wil at bay and both gals agree that they want to see the guys take one another out.

The discussion then turns to Shane and how Ashley says she wish she knew about the plan to backdoor him. Jenn tells her that the nominate process was rushed because of the Willie drama and that Frank only had about 5 minutes to make his decisions.

Night falls, and we get a booze delivery. Danielle claims a bottle of white wine for herself and Joe claims a bottle of red for himself. Boogie, Jenn, and Britney get 3 beers apiece.

Around the time BBAD was on, we get an interesting conversation between Joe and JoJo. Joe is advising JoJo to campaign and fight hard to stay in the game. JoJo insists that she has a plan all worked out and will put it all into motion tomorrow. She says timing is of the utmost importance in this game only she didn't really use that exact same phrasing. Hers went something like, "Yo, it's all about mad timing Joe. I gawt this." You see, JoJo has been a failure all of her life and Big Brother is her chance to prove to everyone that she can do whatever she puts her mind to. She has no intention of going home this week and is simply waiting for the right moment to pounce. Joe tells her that if she fights to stay tomorrow, then she'll have his vote.

And because this is Pelican Bay and it is survival of the fittest, JoJo offers up 2 packs of cigarettes to sweeten the deal. Since I try to avoid watching Joe as much as possible, I had no idea he even smoked. But, he must, because he likes this deal and tells JoJo that he thinks there's a possibility that Shane and JoJo could work with Wil and Joe again. JoJo asks, "You want back with us now?" Joe insists he always was with them (lie), but that everything was Willie's fault. JoJo makes Joes swear on his kids before he leaves and Joe does. Will it stick? I don't know. I guess we'll find out if his kids keel over on Thursday.

The conversation ends and JoJo immediately goes to the Have Not Room to rehash it all for Shane. If Joe reneges on the deal, she's going to demand her cigarettes back before she leaves the house. Shane thinks they should tell Frank and Ian that Joe approached them and use it as leverage. JoJo likes that idea and then goes on and on for about 5 minutes about her cigarette deal. Which, you must admit, is a first for the Big Brother house. Furthermore, Shane is coaching JoJo far better than Britney ever has. Britney's only advice has been not to talk and to distance themselves from Willie.

After talking with Shane, JoJo makes her first move on Ashley. She tells Ashley that she wonders how smart it is to play in teams. They're not in there to win their coaches $100K. They're in there to win $500K for themselves. She tells Ashley that Shane is extremely loyal and even they weren't on the same team, she'd be in an alliance with him. However, had Willie stayed in the game, she would have dumped him from her alliance (traitor!). JoJo thinks that she and Shane are responsible for Willie snapping. She thinks the fact that they weren't talking to him sent him over the edge (wrong).

JoJo continues and tells Ashley that she's not a bully like the others. Ashley is a smart girl and she can make this decision on her own. No matter what, Ashley is JoJo's favorite girl in this house. Jenn however, not so much. JoJo likes Jenn and will hang out with her and buy her CD's when she leaves the house, but there's something about her in the house that's "not right". JoJo gets a weird vibe from Jenn and she just doesn't trust her. JoJo tells Ashley that she also doesn't trust Wil - especially after what he did to Kara (nice touch JoJo since Ashley loathes what Wil did to Kara as well). JoJo overheard Wil outside talking game earlier and she warns Ashley that he's really smart and physical. i still have yet to see Wil's physical prowess that everyone is so scared of,  but whatever. JoJo ends the conversation by telling Ashley that she wants her to work with JoJo and Shane.

And that's where I'll end this today. I usually like to take Thursdays off,  I think I have to miss Friday (I know, I know, I'm sorry!). The blog will return Saturday. The inconsistencies should calm down after next week.

So, what do you guys think? Does Ashley have a medical condition that makes her forget? Will JoJo promise to be someone's bitch today? Do you want Danielle or JoJo to go home? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Put Up Your Dukes

Romance is in the air. And not just your average everyday romance. This romance has raspberries frozen into the center of heart shaped ice cubes. It has place cards and dried roses pressed into scrapbooks. Pastel painted wicker furniture. Framed foliage on the walls. Quotes about love and friendship hand painted onto chintz pillows. It's Crabtree & Evelyn. It's sea foam green. It's dishes of potpourri and charming hand blown wine glasses filled with Chablis. How Shane and Danielle got so lucky I'll never know. What I do know is that I'm beside myself with joy that CBS has decided to document it ALL for us. The more plump precious minutes spent on these two lovebirds, the better!

And motherhood. What's more pure and beautiful than a mother giving birth? A woman spreading her Amazonian legs and yawning out a little shit monster is life's most precious gift. Religion and miracle all squished together and coated in viscera. So imagine my delight when CBS spent an entire segment profiling a new mother right after she ran away from her snot nosed gift to the world. I don't know what sort of magic spell you're weaving CBS, but my ovaries have their own heartbeat today. They're going "gagung gagung" over and over again. Picture Patrick Swayze placing Jennifer Grey's hands over his heart as he teaches her to "feel the music". That's my vagina today! Gagung, gagung.

With my heart soaring and a new plan to have as much unprotected sex as possible so I too can unleash my own hellion brat, I couldn't wait to see what else CBS had in store for me. Bosom buddies, bitches! Besties. Man love. Stock phrases and a "wut wut". Aww bless. Frank and Boogie are timeless. Thanks CBS! I smell a sitcom!

What I most admire, CBS, is your ignorance and blithe dismissal of the viewing audience. Your inability to gauge what the viewers want is sort of charming and endearing. It's like a child picking his nose and eating it in public. The innocence! And Allison Grodner, you my dear are a bastion of indifference and hypocrisy. I think it's admirable to let Jordan violently chest bump Russell back in BB11 and go completely unpunished for it. Likewise, when Kevin did it to Ronnie - major yukyuks outta me! Between you and me, had the situation been reversed and Russell chest bumped Jordan, you would've totally kicked his ass out, right? Am I right or am I right? *giggles* We are SO simpatico!

*drugs wear off and the world begins to come into focus*

What, WHAT, in the sam hell was that clusterfuck on my television last night? Am I mentally challenged? Seriously, I want to know. Am I sitting here eating paint chips and shoving candlesticks up my nose? Am I an innocent fop with no clue whatsoever as to how the world works?

Pat Benatar once said Put Up Your Dukes, Let's get down to it, Hit me with your best shot... Apparently, I'm Pat and CBS is the dickhead in the song because I feel like they beat the shit out of me last night. They insulted my intelligence, they kicked me when I was down, and then that mushy Grodner sat on my head until I breathed my last breath. I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of being treated like I ride the short bus.

I know that the average CBS viewer doesn't watch the Live Feeds. I realize that. However, what I can't grasp is the shoddy editing, the gaping holes in the story, an amazing Houseguest being removed for doing far less than that doorknob Jordan did in her season (And then rewarded for it! I submit that she give back her prize money immediately.), and Big Brother acting like an uptight priss when essentially nothing out of the ordinary happened. And to the nonviolent granola eating tree huggers out there who like to wave their nonviolence flags in my comments, what Willie did was no different than what Jordan and Kevin did so if it's considered nonviolent for them, it's nonviolent for Willie.

Here's a little nugget for you: When Kevin chest bumped Ronnie in BB11, the house was similarly split up and everyone was sent into different rooms to cool off. The same voice came over the intercom. The same warnings were applied. Yet, no one was evicted. No one was punished. Evel Dick burned Jen with a cigarette in BB8, poured tea over her head, and was portrayed as a messiah by CBS. It's not fair! And if I know anything at all, I know that Fair is fair!

God forbid a stellar character like Willie hijacks a shitty twist from the Coaches and tries to make the season interesting. God forbid the Live Feeds are so amazing and addictive that you're scared to take a shower or fall asleep for fear of missing something huge and dramatic. God forbid we get an actual GAME - a hardcore, all strategy, all the time GAME. God forbid! God forbid!

What we saw last night wasn't a head butt. It was more like a gazelle and an elephant squaring off in the Serengeti. The gazelle did what it could to shake the elephant loose. It floated like a butterfly and then did a quick left, right, left only grazing the elephant in the process. It was a beautiful display of animalistic prowess and it should be revered and appreciated not punished.

All of this means nothing to a woman who thrives on phoniness. Phony dates, phony love, phony schtick. Allison Grodner has burned out. She should do the honorable thing and walk away from Big Brother immediately (like 19 of her employees did when they ran like hell to get away from her and started The Glass House).  Like Willie trying to protect Shane and JoJo, Allison Grodner should do the same for us. Protect us Allison. Protect us from your ineffectualness. Protect us from boredom. Protect us from falling repeatedly into a formula that simply doesn't work. I realize money is all that matters to you and you could probably care less about us, the viewers. But, Snookums, hang onto your paychecks because at the rate you're going, Big Brother won't be lining your wallet for much longer.

There is not a recap today because, quite frankly, nothing happened yesterday. Nothing. Happened. At. All.

I would however like to relive some of the magic. I want to hang onto the last glimpses we'll ever get of our Little Willie. *snaps to attention* To the General! *plays a 'Taps/Little Willie/Children Of The Revolution' mash up*

(Look at how tiny Joe's shirt is. Trust me, it'll be a crop top by the end of the season.)

 (I love this photo. The only true star is the one in focus.)

("Oh my god we're so traumatized! Waaah, waaah, waaah.")

Super special bitchy nipple tweak to the lovely and talented @gingerkiller. I was without a DVR last night and that ho bag was kind enough to snap photos of the episode for me with her cell phone. Show the bitch some love and follow her on Twitter. She won't disappoint!

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Do you think Willie should have been removed from the house? Is it fair that Dick, Jordan and Kevin got to stay, but Willie didn't? Should Joe have been removed as well? Comment it out bitches and put up your dukes! Viva La Revolucion!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Whoever Smelt It

I don't know if it was Justin Timberlake or Buddha who said it first, but the lovely little proverb What goes around, comes around is as timeless as earth or stone or infinity. When you fart into a fan, it's going to blow right back into your face. When you wipe a booger on your sheets, eventually you'll roll on top of it. This is what I've been reduced to people... farts and boogers, boogers and farts. The General preached about Revolution and change. He was political, robust, and stout. This new curly fop funking up the HOH with his bodily emissions is a pouty little princess. I've got to make this one quick today so let's recap, shall we?

Willie has left the building and after a tumultuous night of gloating and pontificating, the Houseguests lazily wipe the sleep from their eyes and wallow in their own worthlessness. However! However, it's the day of the big POV competition so at least we have some official business to tend to. Our POV players are Frank, Shane, JoJo, Ian, Ashley and Wil. Mr. Fauxhawk "Imma makin' creamed butter dijon encrusted beef tongue with a shallot puree for supper" Joe will host. Joe is awful. Just awful. Loud and awful and desperate.

Up until now Joe has been Frank's little bitch boy, but not anymore. Remember how yesterday I said loyalty was dead? Well, it's still true today. It took merely hours, but Joe is quite done with Frank thank you very much. In a little tete a tete with Wil, Joe whispers that they need to get rid of Frank sooner rather than later. If they can recruit Ian and Jenn, they might be able to pull it off. Wil listens and nods. He thinks Shane will win POV and take himself off the block. He's banking on Danielle going up as a replacement. Joe replies that they'll just have to get rid of both Danielle and Dan. Wil agrees and suggests that they get rid of Frank the second they have the chance. Plus, they really need to stop telling Janelle everything that goes on.

The POV comes and goes and Wil must be a puka whisperer because Shane has won the POV. It sounds like there was a memory aspect to the game in which Ian did OK, but not as well as expected. JoJo apparently kicked Frank's ass and shocked everyone while Wil was an all around disappointment and didn't do very well at all.

Up in the HOH Shane is the hot topic of conversation. Janelle thinks he'll be a beast to get rid of while Boogie thinks she is giving him much more credit than he deserves. Boogie doesn't think he's as smart as everyone says he is - even though he beat Ian in a memory based competition. However, Boogie was most taken aback by Wil. I'm not sure why but everyone assumed he'd be amazing at competitions.

(Laura Ingalls meets Jacqueline Laurita)

Janelle sighs to herself and says it was dumb not to backdoor Shane when they had the chance. Given their options though, she thinks they should just get rid of Danielle this week. Jenn and Wil then enter the room and Jenn tells them all that Shane is downstairs saying that he thinks Ashley threw the competition (Personally, I wouldn't doubt that Ashley, Ian and Wil threw it). Janelle immediately shouts, "No she didn't!"

Meanwhile, Wil is grumbling to himself saying how much it sucks that people like Ashley get to continue in the game. Wait a tic, I thought he and Ashley were best good friends?! There's that anti-loyalty thing again... gross. The whole room nods in agreement and compares Ashley to Jordan. More on this later...

Wil wants to know what they should do now. Jenn replies, "It's obvious." Boogie doesn't exactly agree. He's still 50/50 as to whether or not they should get rid of JoJo or Danielle. Then Joe comes storming into the room, "You can't keep Dan in the game!" Boogie replies that Dan is only dangerous if he actually enters the game. Ashley then enters and immediately begins moaning about how well JoJo did in the competition. It looks as if not only Boogie is torn, but the entire room is as well.

Janelle says that getting rid of JoJo now takes Britney down to one player just like Dan. Wil then announces that even though he hates JoJo, he likes the idea of taking two people (Danielle and Dan) out this week as opposed to one.

At this point Frank trundles in with his soggy curls and he is pissed! He collapses on his bed and starts to yell at everyone for talking game this soon. How dare they! How dare they strategize! How dare they try to be interesting! Everyone in the room sort of stares at one another awkwardly while Boogie disapprovingly peers out of the corner of his eye and it begins to dawn on him that this douchebag is going to be a problem.

Janelle quickly changes the subject and starts talking about how Shane is such a power house in competitions and hasn't lost one yet. She muses, yet again, "He'll be a beast to get rid of." Hearing this, Joe blurts, "No he won't! We'll get him out." Oh shut up Joe. In fact, that should be our new mantra. Whenever Joe says something, anything, we'll all sigh exasperatingly and say, "Oh shut up Joe."

Saturated clown Frank is listening to all of this and stewing. He pouts, "I wanted to backdoor Shane, but no one else wanted to so SHUT UP." *bites fist* Is someone having a bad day Curly Top? Are things not going your way Good Ship Lollipop? Oh me, oh my, I'm so sad that I could cry...

Again, Boogie gives Frank the side eye (side boob would have been funnier though). 

Britney then enters the room and homegirl is drunk on margaritas (apparently they were served on the POV sidelines). The only thing more annoying than regular ole sober Britney is drunk Britney. I'm fascinating, naked, and confrontational when I'm drunk, but Britney is one of those "I love you all!" people who slurs her words and breaks a heel while peeing on herself in a back alley. She collapses into a chair and shouts, to no one in particular, "F U Willie! I really hate that guy!" Wil, sneering in a corner, grumbles that they should stop talking about Willie so he doesn't get anymore press. Sounds like someone is realizing they're not quite as fascinating as they thought...

Dan enters the room and all of the non-Coach people (plus Janelle) are shooed out so Boogie, Dan, and Britney can have a meeting. Dan is, for the most part, in good spirits about his fate and I will admit that I'm impressed by how he's dealing with the week he has ahead of him. If it were Britney she'd be berating someone and throwing a barrage of pity parties for herself... one right after the other. The three Coaches discuss how they definitely think that one or all of them will be entering the game. If it's all of them, they like this current alliance they have... sans Janelle. Their first order of future business will be getting out Joe. They think he's the great organizer of the anti-Coach movement (ironic, huh?) with Wil as second in command.

Boogie then advises Dan to lay low this week and not freak everyone out by playing too hard.

Meanwhile downstairs, Frank is giving unsolicited advice to JoJo... "Stop talking game! It's too early! We have all week! No game talk! Wahh, wahh, wahh." What a psycho. Wasn't he the one that didn't like Willie telling people what to do? I'll have you know Willie loved game talk. He was always preplanning, planning, and replanning. Willie, come baaaaack.

Frank then heads back up to the HOH room and he feels like he has some 'splainin' to do. According to Frank's fantasy land, he didn't exert all that much effort into trying to win the POV because they weren't trying to backdoor Shane. In other words, Frank simply wasn't motivated enough to win. Had his plan to backdoor Shane been in place, he would have tried much harder and won. And we're supposed to believe this? Look dude, you lost. You did a crap job in the competition and JoJo kicked your ass. Deal with it. Sure, we're all laughing at you right now, but don't you fret none over it.

And then Frank got a whiff of one of his own farts.

They start to discuss Joe again and Dan doesn't think he'll last very long at all. He's doing too much shit around the house and there is no way he'll make it to the end. Dan says that he can totally see Ashley getting to the end of the game. She's nonthreatening and everyone likes her. Plus, no one will ever want to waste an HOH on her. Boogie agrees while Frank sits in silence. It's clear these Coaches know how to play the game long term while Frank is a buffoon trying to make it week to week. I'm sure he's bothered by what they have to say about Joe (they're kind of in cahoots - on Frank's side at least) and I'd bet it never crossed his mind to be wary of Ashley. He's very singular in his vision - strong people. out. now.

Admittedly I slacked off for the rest of the day (I needed time to pout some more about Willie) and then we had the podcast last night so, I'll end this with some photos I managed to grab.

Who does this remind you of? I'll give you a hint: yellow dress.

After the Big Brother Gossip Show I took a peek into the feeds and this is what I saw...


So that's where I'll end this today. It's back to house hunting for me! Bleh. Keeps your fingers crossed that I find something today. Otherwise I'll be crashing on one of your couches and guzzling from your liquor cabinets while you sleep. On second thought, that doesn't sound half bad! Partayyy!

So, what do you guys think of the house without Willie? Why is Frank getting so mad at people for playing the game? Will CBS engineer a way for Dan to stay? Raise your hand if you have a well stocked liquor cabinet. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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