Thursday, September 5, 2013

Fare Thee Well

In 1374 Geoffrey Chaucer wrote that, "All good things must come to an end." Like the way of Celebrity Mole, Paradise Hotel and Temptation Island, Amanda's masterful reign on the Big Brother house is finally coming to its premature end. She gave us strategy, sex, titties, love, fights, tears, more fights, more tears, Granny, a genius idea for a t-shirt (I'm A Victim), whispers, scandal, rumors (all false), arguments and entertainment. Love her or hate her, Amanda is what Big Brother fans pine for. She was never boring, always unpredictable and deliciously unaware that a large number of cameras were following her around all summer long. Amanda made the game fun and the audience completely psychotic. Never has a houseguest been more controversial or more talked about than Amanda Zuckerman. Let's recap, shall we?

Truth be told, I haven't been watching much of the feeds lately. When the numbers dwindle and the likelihood that a completely undeserving player could possibly win the game, one suddenly finds themselves preoccupied with alphabetizing their can goods and catching up on all those shows they've been DVRing all summer long. But, as luck would have it, I did manage to catch one final Amanda blowout last night. Only, oddly enough, Amanda didn't start this one. Rather, a little orange thing with a limited vocabulary and a hankering for purging started it.

All was calm and peaceful in the Big Brother house. Amanda was preparing stuffed peppers for dinner while VaGina (GinaMarie) was readying herself for a game of Jenga. Elvira (Elissa) was sleeping soundly in her bed as the boys were making obscene figurines with their Play-Doh (I totally made this up. The boys are boring and it's up to me to breathe life into them.) Then, Amanda suddenly gets called to the Diary Room...

When Amanda returns to the kitchen to finish up her peppers, she asks the room if Elvira is down for the night. VaGina replies with something like, "It's my fuckin' toe yo an' the bed. I's tolds her she can lay down." Just like you, I have no idea what any of that meant. Anyhow, Amanda smiles to herself and goes back to stuffing her peppers. Hold onto your clit rings because that smile is much too much for VaGina to handle...

VaGina: "What's so funny?"
Amanda: "Nothing."
"I's gots my toe and then the fuckin' bed. I dunno if maybe you heard somethin' diff'ren'"
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I just got out of the Diary Room."
"Why youse fuckin' smirkin'?"
"Wow. You've been in a mood all day."
"My toe an' fuckin' yo muthafucka in tha bed an' Nick an' I's Sta'en Islan' yo!"
"I don't know why you're telling me this. I just got out of a great Diary Room session."
"An' this little piggy went to fuckin' market an' this one went to me an' Nick's house."
"I have no idea why you're telling me this. I don't care."
"You're bein' fuckin' smart an' smirkin'!"
"I just got out of the Diary Room! I don't care!"
"I'm not fuckin' stupid! (Yes she is) The second I said somethin' about a bed you smirked. You think I'm stupid."
"I would never say that about you, VaGina."
"Jus' like you say I make myself throw up."
"Aryan was the one who was saying that."
"Keep tellin' yourself that. I got sick from fuckin' twice from fuckin' slop."
"I think your best friend Aryan was going around telling people that you were throwing up."
"Because I gots sick from fuckin' slop."
"I think you want to fight with somebody. I don't really want to fight with you."
"Keep tellin' yourself that too."
"I really don't want to fight with you."
"It keeps goin' around and nows I's gots to speak to a fuckin' psychiatrist."

And then we get FISH. First off, I have no idea what the hell VaGina is talking about. And secondly, Amanda was smiling at something she was recalling from her Diary Room session. it had nothing to do with VaGina and her urge to purge. It is all extremely strange and, thankfully, not even close to being over...

When the feeds return Amanda tells VaGina that she's going home tomorrow so there is no reason for VaGina to worry about anything. VaGina replies, "I got HOH and you didn't!" Amanda says, "You did a good job. You got rid of me." VaGina then continues to mumble insults into her bag of Jenga pieces. She tells the pieces that Amanda hops into bed with people.

VaGina then turns her focus to McCrae and how Amanda has been using him the throughout the whole game. Meanwhile, McCrae - sad sack of manlessness - sits quietly pouting into his Play-Doh. VaGina continues her mumbles until - FINALLY! - Amanda can't take it anymore and she fights back...

"Sucks for you, right? You're in love with somebody you know nothing about. You're going to be sadly mistaken. You're psychotic. That's how you're portrayed in this house. As a psycho. Why don't you sleep in your bed with your Nick shrine?" (Ha!)
"An' you're a fuckin' dirty dirtbag hoo-er!" (She means whore, but she said hoo-er.)
"I'm a whore who'd been with the same guy all summer."
"Who's wearing the fuckin' HOH robe? I am!" (Actually, she wasn't wearing it at all.)
"Honey, you don't have any power anymore."

And then something strange happens. VaGina puts on a doofus sort of a voice and starts to spontaneously clap. J-U-DD laughs quietly to himself while Andy sits and contemplates his drinking straw. Amanda watches it all laughing to herself before announcing, "A 33 year old woman!" VaGina then goes into a fit of spasms where she brays and convulses like an epileptic donkey. Amanda can't help herself and cracks up in response. 

VaGina: "You're a fuckin' psychotic bitch!"
Amanda: "Good. I'm glad you think that."
"I'm not on medication and you are! And you probably sleep with guys for money too because you fuck a guy every other week. I've probably had 4 boyfriends my whole fuckin' life."
"Yeah, because no one is stupid enough to date you! Because you're crazy."
"That's why you used McCrae this whole fucking game."
"How did I use McCrae?"
"You just used him."
"How did I use him, 33 year old mature adult woman?"
"Well, you just used him."
"Good response!"

VaGina continues her nonsensical babbling. It's a mixture of whoop whoop's with sprinkles of "That's how we roll." It is all incredibly deranged and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And when VaGina is ever at a loss for words she begins to hurl personal insults at Amanda. In not so many words, VaGina starts to call Amanda ugly. 

Naturally, this makes Amanda laugh so she marches over to the Memory Wall and points to Nick's photo, "This guy, this gorgeous guy right here, wanted you GONE." VaGina then accuses Amanda of trying to hook up with Nick (What?! LOL). Amanda replies, "He slept with a pillow between you and a hoodie on, you fucking psycho!"

The fight continues for what seems like an eternity. Cries of "Yeast infection!" are mingled in with "Cellulite!" while all the while, the boys sit somberly looking at their own hands. At one point the girls come face to face with one another until J-U-DD finally gets out of his seat and breaks it up. 

Amanda finally walks away and heads to the Have-Not room. I wondered for a second if the things that VaGina said to her were beginning to bother her. It wasn't until McCrae entered that we all learned what was really upsetting Amanda. It was McCrae! Her spineless pussy boyfriend.

Ladies, gather around. If someone is attacking you and saying vile things about you in front of your boyfriend, would you expect him to defend your honor? Hell yes, you would! If anyone called me names, criticized my looks or made fun of me in front of my boyfriend and he sat there quietly kneading Play-Doh with his hands, that guy would no longer be my boyfriend. When Amanda brings this up to McCrae, his only response is that this isn't real life. It's a game. His reply doesn't satisfy Amanda one bit. In fact, it makes her reconsider her entire relationship with McCrae. She tells him she wants a man to stand up for her. She doesn't want a 14 year old boy who sits quietly while she's being verbally assaulted by an oompah loompah. 

As Amanda is often wont to do, she pushes the issue ad nauseam hoping that something, anything, will sink into McCrae's pussy mind. Amanda laments about how she didn't even do anything to VaGina yet VaGina kept degrading her while McCrae sat by in silence, "There's a point where you have to be a man and stand up for me! You were just sitting there like a big pussy!" Amanda asks him, "You love me yet you're going to sit there and let her calling me a fucking whore?" Hate Amanda all you want, but she makes a good point. I don't know of any guy that would let the lady he loves endure that sort of name calling without stepping in and standing up for her.

The last I saw of the ordeal was McCrae being consoled by his sewing circle of pussy friends - J-U-DD, Andy and Spencer. They all just sort of shuffled their feet and stared at the floor. But tomorrow, they start on a new quilt! 

And that's where I'll end this today. Sadly, Amanda will be going home tonight and she'll most likely take all the drama of the house with her. It is no secret I supported Amanda and I never had any delusions that she might win, but I did hope she would have lasted to final four. The final four that we'll probably end up with is shudder inducing. It's icky and depressing to think about. 

So, will you miss Amanda's shenanigans? Who do you want evicted right after her during the double eviction tonight? Could VaGina actually win this game? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!
CBS Interactive Inc.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

What A Surprise Dot Com

In case you missed the Big Brother Gossip Show last night, you can check it out on iTunes (search "Big Brother Gossip" and click on the effeminate lilac icon) or catch it HERE

In addition to our unbiased and impartial (Ha!) analysis of the house tomfoolery, we awarded two lucky winners... TWO!... with official Big Brother t-shirts. And after all of our usual hijinks and comedic genius was said and done, Mike (@BBGossip) gave yours truly an amazing surprise that affects this here little bloggy blog. The rascal actually almost made me cry, but I did the pageant fanning the face thing and kept my tears at bay. It was very Gracie Lou Freebush.

Agree or disagree, snarl or cheer, but always have a good time and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS dunk your tits in glitter. 

I anticipate a slow week ahead of us in the house, but I'll try to pop in around Tuesday or so with a blog update. Thanks again everyone for listening! And if you haven't yet, what are you waiting for, heathens?!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Happy New Year!

From the pulpit to the Tweetdeck, one thing remains a constant: hypocrisy. A hypocrite here, a hypocrite there, here a hypocrite, there a hypocrite, everywhere a hypocrite. The Vicki Gunvalson's of the world stare glassily into their laptops furiously typing, "How dare she!" In one breath they gasp, "It's rigged! It's rigged!" In another, "Please step in! Please rig it so she doesn't win!" Pious sorts who spout, "It's OK if she lies, but it's not OK if SHE lies." Big Brother rules etched in stone for 14 years suddenly become vague and blurry... "Since when can't the POV winner not be nominated?" Oh Sheila, what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander after all. Oh-oh-oh Ohhh Sheila. Let's recap, shall we?

Firstly, if you haven't heard this week's Big Brother Gossip Show yet, what are you waiting for? Not only can you win an official Big Brother t-shirt, but the mystery of Elvira (Elissa) is finally solved. Click HERE to catch up on all the tomfoolery and hijinks.

Yesterday began bright and early with J-U-DD and Elvira in the HOH room. The hot topic of the day is the mystery of who Elvira will put on the block in McCrae's place. Amanda won POV (YES!!!) and, obviously, she will use it to remove McCrae from the dreaded chopping block. As mentioned in my opening paragraph, the rules surrounding POV have suddenly become a strange and fuzzy enigma surrounded in secrecy and question marks for a whole slew of fans. For those of you having a hard time recalling how the POV works, allow me to explain how this extremely simple Big Brother fact works. The POV holder has the ability to remove one of the HOH's nominations. Are you with me so far? Great. The POV holder, as a reward for winning, cannot be nominated. I repeat - THE POV HOLDER CANNOT BE NOMINATED. Twas always thus and always thus will be. Got it? Good. Let's move on.

Since Amanda has won the POV, Elvira has decided that Aryan is her new target. To ensure that Aryan goes home, Elvira is considering putting Andy on the block in McCrae's place. Obviously, this doesn't sit well with the 3AM alliance (Amanda, Andy, Aryan, McCrae). Amanda, especially, doesn't want to lose either Andy or Aryan. Instead, Amanda would prefer if VaGina (GinaMarie) went up on the block and was voted out. On Saturday, Amanda and McCrae threatened to vote out Andy and keep Aryan in the game in an effort to piss off Elvira and prevent her HOH from being a success. Amanda made it her personal mission to do anything necessary to protect Andy from being nominated. Remember this little fact because it will come into play a little later.

Amanda's main argument for Elvira to put VaGina on the block is that VaGina will be a vote to keep Aryan in the game. J-U-DD has fallen for it and is now suggesting to Elvira that it might be better to put VaGina on the block. Personally, I think it's hysterical that J-U-DD is unknowingly doing Amanda's bidding. Since his return to the game, J-U-DD is a completely different person who has gone rogue and insists that he'll do what he wants to do, not what other people want him to do. I hate to break it to you J-U-DD, but you're still Amanda's bitch at this very moment in time.

Hearing J-U-DD's suggestion to put VaGina on the block in McCrae's place causes Elvira to sigh and hnmm mnmm. She tells J-U-DD how she regrets not nominating both Amanda and McCrae at the same time. Speaking of Amanda, Elvira has many many thoughts on her. Thoughts that we've all heard before, ad nauseam. "She's sooooo disgusting. I can't even look at her. She makes me want to puke." Elvira is doing that weird ranting thing she did earlier last week with Aryan. Her coping mechanism in life to constantly insult anyone and everyone who stands in her way of getting what she wants. Belittling others makes Elvira feel swell about herself.

While bitching and moaning about Amanda, Elvira brings up Howard and what a good person he was. She says, "Howard was a nice guy who never cursed." J-U-DD replies, "He cursed all the time!" Elvira says, "Really? What-ever. Amanda is sooooo disgusting." Basically, Elvira can't handle the truth.

Speaking of truth, Elvira has a knack for manipulating it and bending it to her own will. Earlier, McCrae made a joke about praying to the "Big Brother Gods" for Amanda to win POV. In that mushy mess that is Elvira's mind, she interprets this as an admission of Paganism. Elvira leans over and tells J-U-DD that McCrae is faking it when he reads the Bible because he really believes in a pantheon of reality gods and is totally sacrilegious. She states with all seriousness, "It's offensive that McCrae is sacrilegious." I shit you not. Naturally, when I hear something as ridiculous and ludicrous as this, I tweet about it. And boy am I glad I did! One of my followers (@DweezlerBB) tweeted back to me that the Big Brother God probably looks like Ganesh with Dr. Will's head. The lad whipped together a photo for me and... voila!

I give you the Big Brother God. Pray to the Big Brother God and he will remove any obstacles that stand between you and $500,000. Take the Big Brother God's name in vain and he'll force you to live with Elvira for all of eternity.

J-U-DD doesn't say much to Elvira's declaration that McCrae is sacrilegious. Instead, he tries to steer Elvira back to game talk. He tells her that if VaGina goes on the block, she'll be 100% safe and Aryan will go home. J-U-DD tells Elvira that this is their opportunity to flip the game and have a final 5 of himself, Elvira, Spencer, VaGina and Andy. J-U-DD says that Spencer would be his side alliance and VaGina would be Elvira's side alliance. Elvira tells J-U-DD that she's not close to Elvira at all. J-U-DD replies, "Oh, I thought you were." Elvira then tells J-U-DD that she doesn't know why he trusts Andy so much. She says that it makes her question J-U-DD's judgment in the game. She says, "If Aryan stays in the house this week, we should all self-evict because Amanda and McCrae will win the game." Ugh. I hate that. I hate when a player threatens to quit simply because she doesn't get her way. It's insulting to fans and the game.

J-U-DD then leaves the HOH and heads downstairs to tell Andy that he's probably going on the block. He tells Andy that he tried to convince Elvira to put up VaGina, but she wasn't falling for it. Amanda overhears the conversation and says that she's not going to give up. She tells Andy that she'll keep trying.

Aryan catches wind of the conversation and goes into the bedroom to wake up VaGina. She tells VaGina that she has good news and bad news. VaGina asks, "What's the good news?" Aryan replies, "Andy is going on the block." VaGina then asks, "What's the bad news?" Aryan says, "Andy is going home." Hearing this, VaGina sighs and wonders why Elvira doesn't just put up Spencer. Ayran tells VaGina that J-U-DD was up in the HOH all morning and that VaGina needs to lay low and act normal so Elvira doesn't put her on the block. (Side note: VaGina already knew that Andy was going on the block. )

We fast forward a little bit to where McCrae is finally awake and sitting outside. Out of nowhere, Elvira storms outside and starts hooting and hollering about Amanda. It went something like this:

"You need to tell your girlfriend to stop touching my things!"
"Amanda didn't touch shit."
"This is a TV show and no one is allowed to touch my personal property!"
(Elvira thinks Amanda touched the balls Elvira stole from the HOH competition)
"If you want to get mad at someone, get mad at VaGina. SHE found the balls NOT Amanda!
"I'm going to tell Production!"
"Good, I'm going to tell Production too! I'm going to the DR right now!"

McCrae then gets up and runs inside. While McCrae is inside, Elvira tells Andy that Amanda and McCrae keep going through her things. *sigh* No, they don't. VaGina found the balls and started to play with them. Elvira then asks Andy if he's ever seen Amanda and McCrae going through her things. Andy tells her no. Elvira ignores him and says, "Amanda took my jewelry and my Advil!"

McCrae then returns to the backyard and the fight continues. Point in fact, it was Elvira who went through McCrae's thing and moved his clothes around not the other way around.

"The DR says you're not allowed to go through my stuff." 
"Well, you're not allowed to go through mine!"
"No one touches your shit."
"Your nasty dirty clothes that haven't been washed for 3 weeks are in my drawers!"
"That's bullshit! You have 3000 drawers full of your shit!"
"Just don't touch my stuff."
"VaGina took the ball! You're just looking for anything you can to blame on me and Amanda."
"You're gross!"
"You're gross."
"You're yelling at a woman!"
"You went through my things and now you're trying to spin it around on me."
"I didn't go through your stuff!"
"So my clothes magically switched drawers without asking me?"
"Just don't touch my stuff."
"Be polite and just ask me. Where I come from, people are polite."
"Don't touch my things!"
"Don't touch my things!"
"I would never touch your gross things!"

Yeah, so basically Elvira is a liar liar pants on fire. But wait, there's more!

Amanda then comes outside and McCrae sarcastically tells her, "Don't touch her stuff, ok?" Amanda replies, "Touch her stuff? What are you talking about?" McCrae jokes that since Amanda wants to be just like Elvira, she's always touching her stuff. Amanda bursts out laughing and says, "Zingbot said it the best. She's the trashy version of her sister. I didn't even have to say it because Zingbot said it for me." *bites fist* McCrae then shouts to Elvira, "I don't understand how you can live in a house with such scum. That must be so beneath you." Amanda joins in and says that Elvira's 78 year old husband, that she loves SO much, is waiting for her at home. She continues, "And her kid. Who knows who he belongs to. She never talks about her stepkids, only her son. What a great stepmom." Normally, I would say that Amanda was out of line and shouldn't bring family into the game BUT... but, but, but Elvira spent the previous night attacking Amanda on a personal level. Elvira talked for HOURS about Amanda's miscarriage and her ex-boyfriend. In this instance, fair is fair. It's tit for tat. Amanda didn't go ballistic over the pregnancy thing and Elvira isn't going nuts over the husband/son thing. They dish it, they take it. Big Brother fans, however, were up in arms screaming about it. They rabidly began tweeting CBS and Grodner to remove Amanda from the game. Remove her for what?! For doing exactly what Elvira does day in and day out (If you'll recall, Elvira also brought Aryan's ex-boyfriend into her "Aryan is so disgusting" rants earlier in the week.) Stop being hypocrites! If Amanda and Elvira aren't all bunged about it, then why are you?

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, Andy and VaGina are talking. VaGina tells Andy that if she has to, she'll vote out Aryan like she voted out Asshat (Jeremy). Andy tells VaGina that if she goes on the block, he'll vote to save her. (No, he won't) Andy whines, "Oh my god, if I go out at the hands of Elvira... I hope Amanda and McCrae don't betray me." He starts crying and VaGina leans over to hug him. Andy asks her to please tell him if he's the one leaving the game this week. He doesn't want to be blindsided. VaGina tells Andy that she knows Elvira is going after Amanda and McCrae hard. Andy asks her if she knows what J-U-DD is thinking.

Before VaGina can answer him, Elvira enters and says, "Amanda is batshit crazy. Like I'm offended by anything she says. She's just jealous of me and wishes she had everything I have." *bursts out laughing* Get real.

Amanda then enters the cockpit and starts blowing a party horn into Elvira's ear. Elvira quickly gets up to leave. Amanda keeps blowing her horn throughout the house and a genius idea hits her...

Meet Granny! Granny is a horn-tooting smack-talking sassy broad with a touch of the Alzheimer's who thinks everyday is New Year's Day. Granny introduces herself to J-U-DD with a toot and a smile. J-U-DD is a little scared of Granny and wonders what the hell is going on.

Granny then goes inside to introduce herself to VaGina. Amanda tells VaGina that she was loyal to Elvira since the beginning and did everything she could to keep Elvira safe in the game (True!). Since Elvira turned on Amanda and tried to backdoor, Amanda is going to make her life a living hell. She's sick of Elvira acting like she's better than everyone. VaGina nods and says that Elvira already has money and doesn't need the prize at all.

Granny then gets to work. She follows Elvira around the house tooting her horn and asking Elvira to play with her. At first Elvira laughs, but then she quickly runs upstairs and locks herself in the HOH room. Granny follows her and starts knocking her door, "Granny misses you Elvira. Don't you want to talk to Granny?"

Amanda then gets called to the Diary Room and everyone cracks up that she's going to do a DR dressed as Granny. When Amanda comes out she tells Aryan that everyday she'll be a new character. Tomorrow will be Berth the Butch Baseball Player and the day after that will be Francesca the Farting French Girl. Haha!

Before I continue, we desperately need to clear something up. Apparently, there are people out there that actually think Amanda is on something or has gone off the deep end. No, no, no, you twits. This is all part of an elaborate plan to get Elvira to nominate VaGina instead of Andy. The plan is for Granny to be a constant pain in the ass and torture Elvira. Andy will then act horrified by Granny and run up to the HOH to console Elvira like she's some wounded animal. Amanda's theory is that Elvira will be so moved by Andy's concern that she won't nominate him. It's a ballsy move, but Amanda is willing to go to the ends of the earth to save her alliance.

For most of the afternoon, Granny stalks Elvira and waits for her to leave the HOH room, but Elvira hides like the wimp she is. When Elvira refuses to come out of her room, Amanda goes outside and plops down on the couch. She tells everyone it's exhausting keeping this up for so long. She says that she now understands why Killer Kowalski (Jessie) quit her psychobabble after 30 minutes. J-U-DD has no idea what Amanda is up to so he remains incredibly uncomfortable with all of the Granny hoopla. Spencer, however, says it's fair game play. Amanda declares that she'll keep this up all night if she has to. She's positive that America thinks Elissa is a cunt. (Yup.) She then tells the group that it's actually really hard to pretend like she's mad at the people she likes. She explains that she's doing all of this so Andy will pick up the pieces Granny's tirade and save the day. Andy tells her that he already went up to talk to Elvira. Amanda replies, "Good."

On twitter and elsewhere, Granny isn't all that popular with the fans. They think she's a bully and should be removed from the house. Oh shut up. Just shut up. Amanda isn't physically threatening Elvira. Elvira's safety isn't at risk. If Elvira was smart, she'd climb down from her ivory tower and laugh in Amanda's face. Instead, Elvira is either hiding in the dark or bitching to Production. Elvira is a big girl and we all know she is extremely capable of defending herself. This victim thing she's doing is ridiculous. She even had the audacity to bitch to J-U-DD that she doesn't deserve this and that she just wants to play Big Brother. This IS Big Brother! This is the game. Right here. You're in it! Instead of hiding from it, go play it!

Remember when Dick went around the house banging pots and pans? Remember when he made Amber cry? Remember when he threw a drink in Jen's face? Remember when Rachel taunted the Have-Not's with her ooey gooey cookies? Why is it OK for those people to stir up trouble, but it's not OK for Amanda to do the same thing? The hypocrisy is nauseating. You don't have to like Amanda. You have every right in the world to despise her. What you don't have the right to do is say that it's OK for every other player except Amanda to be a troublemaker. How do you look yourself in the mirror in the morning? Like who you like, hate who you hate, but at least be honest with yourselves.

So, what do you think of the house hijinks? Will Bertha make an appearance today? Since Andy is most likely going on the block, will he stay or will he go? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

CBS Interactive Inc.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Oh My God, You Guyzzz

Oh my goshhh you guyzzzz, this is soooo exciting hnmm mnmm. I'm like freaking ouuuut. Look at this photograph, hnmm mnmm, I think that guy right there is my husbannnd. He's either my husbannnd or the tour guide we had that one time we visited Canadaaaa, hnmm mnmm. And, oh my god, you guyzzz, Perfect Little Treasure drew me some picturezzz! Do you see the anger in his brush strokezz, unh? That means he's wetting his bed again. Oh myyy goddd, I got a yoga mat. But, this isn't Mandukaaaa. I wanted a Mandukaaa. Greek Yogurt yummm hnmm mnmm. Let's recap, shall we?

Where to begin? How does one pick up the pieces of a clusterfuck and put them together in a way that is both pleasing to the eye and not vomit inducing? Hell if I know! Let's dive right in and see if we can make sense of all of this.

When the Live Feeds click on, we discover that Spencer and McCrae have already dropped out of the competition. Jessie and Amanda are tied with 3 balls and Elvira (Elissa) is in the lead with 4 balls. Quickly and without haste, the balls being to fly again. Amanda and Elvira both catch a ball while Andy stumbles and falls.

Jessie falls next and was instructed to immediately leave the house as soon as she fell. On her way out the door she hollers, "Fuck you Amanda! I fucking hate you!" Jessie's a gem, isn't she? As Jessie waddles out the door we hear Aryan say, "I'm sorry Jessie. You are out of the game." This is mildly interesting to BB connoisseurs because it's the first time (that I can recall) we get to hear an HOH narrating an Endurance Competition. But wait! Jessie hasn't left the premises yet. No, she's still throwing a fit. She's throwing a fit and she's throwing balls at the Jurors heads. The feeds cut to fish for, what I suspect, are the men in white coats coming to drag Jessie away.

When the feeds come back we can hear Hell-en (Helen) feverishly telling Candice and J-U-DD that Elvira was the only one who voted to save her. Homegirl Hell-en is working overtime to make sure her precious Elvira lasts longer in the game. It's very Single White Female... only, it's Single Asian Female... but she's not single so I guess it's Married Asian Female which, if you ask me, doesn't sound like all that great of a movie. Does that make me a racist?

Hell-en must have had a premonition of her future in the Jury House because she falls with Candice falling right behind her. Welcome back to the Big Brother House, J-U-DD. Ahummina hummina.

As the only Juror left, J-U-DD is not only back in the house, but he can still compete for HOH. He tells the HG's that he wants to start the game anew and holds no grudges against anyone. The score is now J-U-DD with 3 balls, Amanda with 4 balls, Elvira with 6 balls and VaGina (GinaMarie) with 3 balls. On a personal note, I'm happy J-U-DD is back. The other options were too much of a nightmare so it's good to have that mumbling country boy back in our lives. Plus, it means we'll get some more J-U-DD impersonation on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night!

All of the HG's are extremely interested to hear what the Jury House is like. J-U-DD's reply is, "I've had to hear Oprah stories for the past two weeks. That's the only thing I'm bitter about." VaGina yells from her end of the arena, "Did you tap that (Candice or Jessie) or what?" J-U-DD replies, "Nah, we had different rooms." McCrae then asks what the movies in the house are like. J-U-DD tells them that the movies were similar to what they had in sequester. McCrae then asks what the Jurors were able to see of the evictions. J-U-DD says that the eviction DVD's were short and vague.

(intruders are in upper right hand box)

Then, out of nowhere, a heckler in a red wig and a giant foam finger comes racing into the backyard to distract the HG's. He hollers this and that as a security guard chases him. The fallen HG's on the bench yell to the HG's still competing to ignore the distraction and stay focused on the game. A lovely lady on Twitter was speculating that the unruly fan was Howie. I have no idea because I never got a glimpse of his face.

As much as we may like J-U-DD and his wacky mumble-speak, I am still annoyed that he is back. It is incredibly unfair to let an evicted HG reenter the house. And it would have been more unfair had he won HOH so it's a good thing he fell just as Elvira was catching her seventh ball. I'm not an Elvira fan (AT ALL), but I have to say that she was very smart in the way she played the game. See how her eyes are locked on the ball shooter thingie? This is immensely helpful when it comes to catching balls. Amanda, on the other hand, was more focused on not falling off her perch.

The competition continues and we quickly get two VERY close calls. Amanda loses her footing on her perch and falls to one side, but she grips her ball holder and manages to swing herself back into an upright position. Shortly after, the exact same thing happens to Elvira and we immediately know how important this HOH is to both women.

Despite her efforts and despite never falling off, Amanda simply didn't catch enough balls to pull out a victory. Elvira, with her eye on the ball shooter strategy, catches her tenth ball and is our new HOH. *stabs self in the eye with a hot poker*

There has been a lot of speculation and conspiracy theories circulating about Elvira's win and, believe me, I LOVE a good conspiracy theory, but Elvira won that comp fair and square. No one cheated, no one was pushed and no one was told when to jump. Any sightings of Production behind the wall are simply of the crew maintaining the apparatus.

After the HOH is over and everyone has had their showers, we find Elvira and J-U-DD in the bathroom. Elvira is wasting no time jumping on the Amanda Hate Train. She corners J-U-DD and tells him that Amanda, McCrae and Aryan wanted to backdoor him for months. You and I both know this isn't true, but lying is part of the game. I can accept this. I can accept people lying in order to stay in the house longer. It's always baffling to me when I see peoples panties in a twist over Amanda or Andy lying in their game play. EVERYONE in the house lies! Why is it OK for Hell-en and Elvira to lie, but not OK for Amanda and her crew to lie? The hypocrisy amongst the BB fan base is laughably ridiculous.

Anyhow, J-U-DD doesn't seem all too concerned with the information that Elvira is telling him. He says to her, "Sorry fer not huggin' you when I left the house." Elvira ignores him and asks if he'll vote out whomever she puts up. J-U-DD replies, "I'm startin' fresh." Elvira then asks, "You're not mad at Amanda and McCrae?" Again, J-U-DD says that he's not holding any grudges and has no alliances. He is starting the game completely fresh. Elvira then asks him why Jessie is so mad at her. J-U-DD has no idea, but he says that Jessie told him about how she was stalking Elvira that one day.

Over in the bedroom we see Amanda frantically doing some damage control since J-U-DD is back in the house. She tells Aryan to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en threatened her and she had to put J-U-DD on the block during that Double Eviction. Amanda tells Aryan that she has to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en said he was MVP (The truth is that Amanda said it). Amanda reiterates that they need to blame everything on Hell-en. Aryan nods and doesn't say much, but Amanda is worried because she can't remember exactly what she said to J-U-DD in her goodbye message to him.

In all parts of the house, everyone is super curious about what Jury is like. They ask J-U-DD all sorts of questions and with each answer the feeds go down. The feeds even cut to fish when J-U-DD begins to tell everyone how he thinks that Candice really likes Howard for real. At one point when the feeds come back up we hear J-U-DD saying that he wish he knew what he was and wasn't allowed to say (Production must have given him a warning.). Nonetheless, the remaining HG's fill J-U-DD in on how Jessie went batshit crazy the week she got evicted.

Off in another room, we find McCrae and Spencer quietly whispering to each other. McCrae doesn't think having J-U-DD back in the game changes anything. McCrae insists that J-U-DD is still a marked man. McCrae admits that he feels like he and Amanda are "super at risk" this week. Spencer assures McCrae that he'll still back him up and be loyal this week.

In the bathroom we find Amanda and Elvira whispering. The blow dryers are blowing loudly so it's extremely hard to hear exactly what they're saying. What I'm able to pick up is Amanda reminding Elvira how they've protected her throughout the game. Elvira doesn't seem to care much. Amanda mentions something about J-U-DD going on the block and Elvira firmly says that she's not putting up J-U-DD, but she might put up McCrae. Elvira then says how Aryan is the one who sent Hell-en home, but she doesn't have the balls to accept responsibility. Instead, she blames everyone else. Again, it's extremely difficult to hear them, but Elvira seems firm in her decision and not interested in hearing what other people think.

Elvira mumbles something about splitting up VaGina and Aryan. Amanda tells her that the best way to do that is to put both of them on the block. If VaGina wins POV, then Aryan will still go home. If Elvira doesn't put VaGina on the block, she can still win POV and save Aryan. Amanda is insistent that the way to assure Aryan goes home is to put VaGina up with her. Elvira says nothing and walks away.

The talk with Elvira is incredibly worrisome to Amanda so she and McCrae go into the cockpit. Amanda rehashes her bathroom conversation with Elvira and tells McCrae that Elvira wants Aryan to go home. She says that Elvira wants to nominate Aryan with either herself or McCrae. Amanda explains how she is trying to get Elvira to nominate VaGina and Aryan together.

McCrae, also worried, tells Amanda that she needs to stay on top of Elvira. Amanda says she doesn't want to push her too much because Elvira pushes back. Amanda tells McCrae that if J-U-DD asks any questions about his eviction, he has to say that Hell-en told them J-U-DD was MVP. McCrae asks Amanda if Aryan knows to say that as well. She tells him that she already talked to Aryan about blaming everything on Hell-en. McCrae worries that Aryan could flip and use it against them.

Andy then enters the cockpit and Amanda immediately tells him that Elvira doesn't want to nominate Spencer or J-U-DD with Aryan. She tells Andy that Elvira wants to put up someone stronger like her or McCrae. McCrae tells Andy he needs to work on Elvira, but not to push it too much because Elvira doesn't like to be pushed. Andy sighs and wishes they could just get rid of J-U-DD. Amanda tells him how Elvira was adamant about not nominating J-U-DD. McCrae says he's super worried about J-U-DD comparing notes with the other HG's. Andy laments that J-U-DD coming back into the game screws up everything. Andy doesn't want Amanda or McCrae to go up on the block, but he also doesn't want to go up on the block himself. Meanwhile, McCrae doesn't understand why Elvira wants to put up a strong person this week. He says that she can't play in HOH next week and everyone will be after her.

Amanda is super worried that both she and McCrae will go up on the block. McCrae tells her that that's exactly what will happen if VaGina wins POV. McCrae keeps saying, "What a fucking nightmare." Andy sighs, "It's going to be so hard to get J-U-DD out." Amanda contributes, "This is the absolute worst case scenario." Before Andy leaves the cockpit, he reassures McCrae and Amanda that they can get through this.

Once Andy leaves, Amanda begins to cry. She tells McCrae that J-U-DD is going to screw everything up (Not J-U-DD, Elvira!). Through sniffles and tears she says she doesn't want to leave yet. If she gets voted out she'll have to go to the Jury House with all those girls that will be mean to her.

Fast forwarding a little, we arrive at Elvira's HOH reveal which is a nightmare of hnmm mnmm's and unh's. Elvira says over and over again, "I'm sooo excited. I'm freaking ouuuuuttt. I don't know what I'm going to doooo when I'm seeing pictures of my familyyyy. I'm going to die, hnmm mnmm." Sadly, she didn't die. Instead she hnmm mnmm'd all over everything and says to a photograph, "That's my little family, mnmm." Amanda then comments on of the photos, "That doesn't even look like you in that picture. That's crazy." Amanda, my love, that photo was probably pre-op Elvira.

In addition to photographs, Elvira also got some hand painted art from Perfect Little Treasure. Elvira says, "Oh my goshhhh, this is sooo beautiful." Later she remarks how the drawings look like her son was angry when he made them (???).

Not everything is sunshine and roses in Elvira's HOH. For example, the eyelashes in her HOH basket aren't the kind that she wears. The ones in her basket are "ridiculous". She also didn't get a Manduka yoga mat... "This is not my favorite yoga mat. Manduka is my favorite." If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that, hours before the HOH reveal, I predicted that the brand of her yoga mat would be an issue. For all of you non-yogis, Manduka is one of the most expensive yoga mats. I don't have a Manduka myself, but I'd cut off my left tit to get one. If anyone wants to buy me one, I would love THIS ONE and THIS ONE. Some people got annoyed with me this morning for pointing out that Elvira was bitching about her yoga mat because Elvira said her Manduka was too heavy. Well, Manduka makes lighter travel ones, numbskulls! I'm going to step out of this paragraph right now because I get way too fired up when talking about yoga. Namaste.

In addition to an insufficient yoga mat, Elvira got a Taylor Swift CD (the horror!) and a letter from Rachel (even more horrifying!). And that is where I will end this today. I suspect that Elvira will be nominating Aaryn and Amanda for eviction this afternoon.

So, what did you think of the HOH competition? Are you happy Elvira won? Is Aryan Elvira's real target or is it Amanda? Will you be daytime drinking heavily today during the Kiss The Hnmm Mnmm Ring sessions? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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