Monday, August 26, 2013

Happy New Year!

From the pulpit to the Tweetdeck, one thing remains a constant: hypocrisy. A hypocrite here, a hypocrite there, here a hypocrite, there a hypocrite, everywhere a hypocrite. The Vicki Gunvalson's of the world stare glassily into their laptops furiously typing, "How dare she!" In one breath they gasp, "It's rigged! It's rigged!" In another, "Please step in! Please rig it so she doesn't win!" Pious sorts who spout, "It's OK if she lies, but it's not OK if SHE lies." Big Brother rules etched in stone for 14 years suddenly become vague and blurry... "Since when can't the POV winner not be nominated?" Oh Sheila, what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander after all. Oh-oh-oh Ohhh Sheila. Let's recap, shall we?

Firstly, if you haven't heard this week's Big Brother Gossip Show yet, what are you waiting for? Not only can you win an official Big Brother t-shirt, but the mystery of Elvira (Elissa) is finally solved. Click HERE to catch up on all the tomfoolery and hijinks.

Yesterday began bright and early with J-U-DD and Elvira in the HOH room. The hot topic of the day is the mystery of who Elvira will put on the block in McCrae's place. Amanda won POV (YES!!!) and, obviously, she will use it to remove McCrae from the dreaded chopping block. As mentioned in my opening paragraph, the rules surrounding POV have suddenly become a strange and fuzzy enigma surrounded in secrecy and question marks for a whole slew of fans. For those of you having a hard time recalling how the POV works, allow me to explain how this extremely simple Big Brother fact works. The POV holder has the ability to remove one of the HOH's nominations. Are you with me so far? Great. The POV holder, as a reward for winning, cannot be nominated. I repeat - THE POV HOLDER CANNOT BE NOMINATED. Twas always thus and always thus will be. Got it? Good. Let's move on.

Since Amanda has won the POV, Elvira has decided that Aryan is her new target. To ensure that Aryan goes home, Elvira is considering putting Andy on the block in McCrae's place. Obviously, this doesn't sit well with the 3AM alliance (Amanda, Andy, Aryan, McCrae). Amanda, especially, doesn't want to lose either Andy or Aryan. Instead, Amanda would prefer if VaGina (GinaMarie) went up on the block and was voted out. On Saturday, Amanda and McCrae threatened to vote out Andy and keep Aryan in the game in an effort to piss off Elvira and prevent her HOH from being a success. Amanda made it her personal mission to do anything necessary to protect Andy from being nominated. Remember this little fact because it will come into play a little later.

Amanda's main argument for Elvira to put VaGina on the block is that VaGina will be a vote to keep Aryan in the game. J-U-DD has fallen for it and is now suggesting to Elvira that it might be better to put VaGina on the block. Personally, I think it's hysterical that J-U-DD is unknowingly doing Amanda's bidding. Since his return to the game, J-U-DD is a completely different person who has gone rogue and insists that he'll do what he wants to do, not what other people want him to do. I hate to break it to you J-U-DD, but you're still Amanda's bitch at this very moment in time.

Hearing J-U-DD's suggestion to put VaGina on the block in McCrae's place causes Elvira to sigh and hnmm mnmm. She tells J-U-DD how she regrets not nominating both Amanda and McCrae at the same time. Speaking of Amanda, Elvira has many many thoughts on her. Thoughts that we've all heard before, ad nauseam. "She's sooooo disgusting. I can't even look at her. She makes me want to puke." Elvira is doing that weird ranting thing she did earlier last week with Aryan. Her coping mechanism in life to constantly insult anyone and everyone who stands in her way of getting what she wants. Belittling others makes Elvira feel swell about herself.

While bitching and moaning about Amanda, Elvira brings up Howard and what a good person he was. She says, "Howard was a nice guy who never cursed." J-U-DD replies, "He cursed all the time!" Elvira says, "Really? What-ever. Amanda is sooooo disgusting." Basically, Elvira can't handle the truth.

Speaking of truth, Elvira has a knack for manipulating it and bending it to her own will. Earlier, McCrae made a joke about praying to the "Big Brother Gods" for Amanda to win POV. In that mushy mess that is Elvira's mind, she interprets this as an admission of Paganism. Elvira leans over and tells J-U-DD that McCrae is faking it when he reads the Bible because he really believes in a pantheon of reality gods and is totally sacrilegious. She states with all seriousness, "It's offensive that McCrae is sacrilegious." I shit you not. Naturally, when I hear something as ridiculous and ludicrous as this, I tweet about it. And boy am I glad I did! One of my followers (@DweezlerBB) tweeted back to me that the Big Brother God probably looks like Ganesh with Dr. Will's head. The lad whipped together a photo for me and... voila!

I give you the Big Brother God. Pray to the Big Brother God and he will remove any obstacles that stand between you and $500,000. Take the Big Brother God's name in vain and he'll force you to live with Elvira for all of eternity.

J-U-DD doesn't say much to Elvira's declaration that McCrae is sacrilegious. Instead, he tries to steer Elvira back to game talk. He tells her that if VaGina goes on the block, she'll be 100% safe and Aryan will go home. J-U-DD tells Elvira that this is their opportunity to flip the game and have a final 5 of himself, Elvira, Spencer, VaGina and Andy. J-U-DD says that Spencer would be his side alliance and VaGina would be Elvira's side alliance. Elvira tells J-U-DD that she's not close to Elvira at all. J-U-DD replies, "Oh, I thought you were." Elvira then tells J-U-DD that she doesn't know why he trusts Andy so much. She says that it makes her question J-U-DD's judgment in the game. She says, "If Aryan stays in the house this week, we should all self-evict because Amanda and McCrae will win the game." Ugh. I hate that. I hate when a player threatens to quit simply because she doesn't get her way. It's insulting to fans and the game.

J-U-DD then leaves the HOH and heads downstairs to tell Andy that he's probably going on the block. He tells Andy that he tried to convince Elvira to put up VaGina, but she wasn't falling for it. Amanda overhears the conversation and says that she's not going to give up. She tells Andy that she'll keep trying.

Aryan catches wind of the conversation and goes into the bedroom to wake up VaGina. She tells VaGina that she has good news and bad news. VaGina asks, "What's the good news?" Aryan replies, "Andy is going on the block." VaGina then asks, "What's the bad news?" Aryan says, "Andy is going home." Hearing this, VaGina sighs and wonders why Elvira doesn't just put up Spencer. Ayran tells VaGina that J-U-DD was up in the HOH all morning and that VaGina needs to lay low and act normal so Elvira doesn't put her on the block. (Side note: VaGina already knew that Andy was going on the block. )

We fast forward a little bit to where McCrae is finally awake and sitting outside. Out of nowhere, Elvira storms outside and starts hooting and hollering about Amanda. It went something like this:

"You need to tell your girlfriend to stop touching my things!"
"Amanda didn't touch shit."
"This is a TV show and no one is allowed to touch my personal property!"
(Elvira thinks Amanda touched the balls Elvira stole from the HOH competition)
"If you want to get mad at someone, get mad at VaGina. SHE found the balls NOT Amanda!
"I'm going to tell Production!"
"Good, I'm going to tell Production too! I'm going to the DR right now!"

McCrae then gets up and runs inside. While McCrae is inside, Elvira tells Andy that Amanda and McCrae keep going through her things. *sigh* No, they don't. VaGina found the balls and started to play with them. Elvira then asks Andy if he's ever seen Amanda and McCrae going through her things. Andy tells her no. Elvira ignores him and says, "Amanda took my jewelry and my Advil!"

McCrae then returns to the backyard and the fight continues. Point in fact, it was Elvira who went through McCrae's thing and moved his clothes around not the other way around.

"The DR says you're not allowed to go through my stuff." 
"Well, you're not allowed to go through mine!"
"No one touches your shit."
"Your nasty dirty clothes that haven't been washed for 3 weeks are in my drawers!"
"That's bullshit! You have 3000 drawers full of your shit!"
"Just don't touch my stuff."
"VaGina took the ball! You're just looking for anything you can to blame on me and Amanda."
"You're gross!"
"You're gross."
"You're yelling at a woman!"
"You went through my things and now you're trying to spin it around on me."
"I didn't go through your stuff!"
"So my clothes magically switched drawers without asking me?"
"Just don't touch my stuff."
"Be polite and just ask me. Where I come from, people are polite."
"Don't touch my things!"
"Don't touch my things!"
"I would never touch your gross things!"

Yeah, so basically Elvira is a liar liar pants on fire. But wait, there's more!

Amanda then comes outside and McCrae sarcastically tells her, "Don't touch her stuff, ok?" Amanda replies, "Touch her stuff? What are you talking about?" McCrae jokes that since Amanda wants to be just like Elvira, she's always touching her stuff. Amanda bursts out laughing and says, "Zingbot said it the best. She's the trashy version of her sister. I didn't even have to say it because Zingbot said it for me." *bites fist* McCrae then shouts to Elvira, "I don't understand how you can live in a house with such scum. That must be so beneath you." Amanda joins in and says that Elvira's 78 year old husband, that she loves SO much, is waiting for her at home. She continues, "And her kid. Who knows who he belongs to. She never talks about her stepkids, only her son. What a great stepmom." Normally, I would say that Amanda was out of line and shouldn't bring family into the game BUT... but, but, but Elvira spent the previous night attacking Amanda on a personal level. Elvira talked for HOURS about Amanda's miscarriage and her ex-boyfriend. In this instance, fair is fair. It's tit for tat. Amanda didn't go ballistic over the pregnancy thing and Elvira isn't going nuts over the husband/son thing. They dish it, they take it. Big Brother fans, however, were up in arms screaming about it. They rabidly began tweeting CBS and Grodner to remove Amanda from the game. Remove her for what?! For doing exactly what Elvira does day in and day out (If you'll recall, Elvira also brought Aryan's ex-boyfriend into her "Aryan is so disgusting" rants earlier in the week.) Stop being hypocrites! If Amanda and Elvira aren't all bunged about it, then why are you?

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, Andy and VaGina are talking. VaGina tells Andy that if she has to, she'll vote out Aryan like she voted out Asshat (Jeremy). Andy tells VaGina that if she goes on the block, he'll vote to save her. (No, he won't) Andy whines, "Oh my god, if I go out at the hands of Elvira... I hope Amanda and McCrae don't betray me." He starts crying and VaGina leans over to hug him. Andy asks her to please tell him if he's the one leaving the game this week. He doesn't want to be blindsided. VaGina tells Andy that she knows Elvira is going after Amanda and McCrae hard. Andy asks her if she knows what J-U-DD is thinking.

Before VaGina can answer him, Elvira enters and says, "Amanda is batshit crazy. Like I'm offended by anything she says. She's just jealous of me and wishes she had everything I have." *bursts out laughing* Get real.

Amanda then enters the cockpit and starts blowing a party horn into Elvira's ear. Elvira quickly gets up to leave. Amanda keeps blowing her horn throughout the house and a genius idea hits her...

Meet Granny! Granny is a horn-tooting smack-talking sassy broad with a touch of the Alzheimer's who thinks everyday is New Year's Day. Granny introduces herself to J-U-DD with a toot and a smile. J-U-DD is a little scared of Granny and wonders what the hell is going on.

Granny then goes inside to introduce herself to VaGina. Amanda tells VaGina that she was loyal to Elvira since the beginning and did everything she could to keep Elvira safe in the game (True!). Since Elvira turned on Amanda and tried to backdoor, Amanda is going to make her life a living hell. She's sick of Elvira acting like she's better than everyone. VaGina nods and says that Elvira already has money and doesn't need the prize at all.

Granny then gets to work. She follows Elvira around the house tooting her horn and asking Elvira to play with her. At first Elvira laughs, but then she quickly runs upstairs and locks herself in the HOH room. Granny follows her and starts knocking her door, "Granny misses you Elvira. Don't you want to talk to Granny?"

Amanda then gets called to the Diary Room and everyone cracks up that she's going to do a DR dressed as Granny. When Amanda comes out she tells Aryan that everyday she'll be a new character. Tomorrow will be Berth the Butch Baseball Player and the day after that will be Francesca the Farting French Girl. Haha!

Before I continue, we desperately need to clear something up. Apparently, there are people out there that actually think Amanda is on something or has gone off the deep end. No, no, no, you twits. This is all part of an elaborate plan to get Elvira to nominate VaGina instead of Andy. The plan is for Granny to be a constant pain in the ass and torture Elvira. Andy will then act horrified by Granny and run up to the HOH to console Elvira like she's some wounded animal. Amanda's theory is that Elvira will be so moved by Andy's concern that she won't nominate him. It's a ballsy move, but Amanda is willing to go to the ends of the earth to save her alliance.

For most of the afternoon, Granny stalks Elvira and waits for her to leave the HOH room, but Elvira hides like the wimp she is. When Elvira refuses to come out of her room, Amanda goes outside and plops down on the couch. She tells everyone it's exhausting keeping this up for so long. She says that she now understands why Killer Kowalski (Jessie) quit her psychobabble after 30 minutes. J-U-DD has no idea what Amanda is up to so he remains incredibly uncomfortable with all of the Granny hoopla. Spencer, however, says it's fair game play. Amanda declares that she'll keep this up all night if she has to. She's positive that America thinks Elissa is a cunt. (Yup.) She then tells the group that it's actually really hard to pretend like she's mad at the people she likes. She explains that she's doing all of this so Andy will pick up the pieces Granny's tirade and save the day. Andy tells her that he already went up to talk to Elvira. Amanda replies, "Good."

On twitter and elsewhere, Granny isn't all that popular with the fans. They think she's a bully and should be removed from the house. Oh shut up. Just shut up. Amanda isn't physically threatening Elvira. Elvira's safety isn't at risk. If Elvira was smart, she'd climb down from her ivory tower and laugh in Amanda's face. Instead, Elvira is either hiding in the dark or bitching to Production. Elvira is a big girl and we all know she is extremely capable of defending herself. This victim thing she's doing is ridiculous. She even had the audacity to bitch to J-U-DD that she doesn't deserve this and that she just wants to play Big Brother. This IS Big Brother! This is the game. Right here. You're in it! Instead of hiding from it, go play it!

Remember when Dick went around the house banging pots and pans? Remember when he made Amber cry? Remember when he threw a drink in Jen's face? Remember when Rachel taunted the Have-Not's with her ooey gooey cookies? Why is it OK for those people to stir up trouble, but it's not OK for Amanda to do the same thing? The hypocrisy is nauseating. You don't have to like Amanda. You have every right in the world to despise her. What you don't have the right to do is say that it's OK for every other player except Amanda to be a troublemaker. How do you look yourself in the mirror in the morning? Like who you like, hate who you hate, but at least be honest with yourselves.

So, what do you think of the house hijinks? Will Bertha make an appearance today? Since Andy is most likely going on the block, will he stay or will he go? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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