Friday, September 9, 2011

Glittery Puke

It may be raining dragons and ogres outside, but it's raining glitter in my heart. Light delicate beauteous teeny tiny sparkles of shimmering light. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the woodland creatures have come out to play. A squirrel high fives a chipmunk and in response my melodious giggles carry on the breeze. Hark, is that a rainbow I see? No, it's FIVE HUNDRED rainbows I see! Crimson and tangerine hump each other in the sky while a lemony yellow rubs it's skins against a kelly green giving birth to an onslaught of blues and violets. Colors, colors, everywhere colors! Wearing nothing but a smile and a feather boa, I roll around in the blanket of glitter I've prepared for this very moment. It took months of haggling on the phone with party planners, thousands and thousands of dollars in rental trucks, and an exchange of sexual favors with random moving men that I'm much too ladylike to talk about, but I did it. I finally did it! My backyard is a shimmering sea of sparkles and I'm diving in. I've waited the entire summer for this moment and now it's time to celebrate. You're all invited. Leave your cats at the door and fill your jugs with gin from any one of my bathtubs scattered around the house. The juniper berries were quite plump this year. Jordan has left the building and I'm throwing a party. Let's recap, shall we?

By a vote of 1 million to zero (the other 999,999 votes belong to me), Jordan you are evicted from the Big Brother House. *fanfare, parades, marching bands* Now, do us all a favor, and never ever return to television at any point in my lifetime. And while you're at it, kindly convince your fake boyfriend to do the same. I still think you owe CBS $500,000, but I'm willing to let that slide if you promise me that I'll never have to listen that voice of yours again. That alone is worth half a million dollars.... "Wull, umm uhh it's so fusstrating. Jayeff!" Oh shut up.

All season long I've only wanted one thing: Jeff and Jordan out of the game. People have asked me who I'm rooting for and my answer has always been, "Not Jordan." I guess I'd like Porsche to win. I don't know. *shrugs shoulders* Rachel is vile and the thought of her getting rewarded for anything makes me ill and Adam... Well, I think we can all agree that the only thing Adam deserves is a one way ticket to the inside of an active volcano. The season as a whole has been a joke and I think it'll continue to be a joke if things stay the way they are. It's been 13 seasons of the same old same old. The game needs a gigantic revamping. We all know the ins and outs. We all know what to expect. Casting is paramount, but so is ingenuity. Big Brother is stuck in a rut and I think the only thing that can save it is a complete makeover. Get Ty Pennington on the horn and let's tear this shit down and rebuild. Enough with the complacency already. Update, upgrade, 2.0, what have you.

Alright, so this brings us to Part 1 of the final HOH competition. We left off with our final three spinning on a giant mixer in a vat of what looks like movie theatre popcorn butter and getting sprayed in the face like a Japanese bukaki film. It took a few minutes for the feeds to kick on and when they did I got something I didn't expect. I got sick! Head swimming, eyes rolling, insides burbling sick. Never in my life have I experienced motion sickness, but last night was brutal. It was near impossible to watch the spinning (my god, the spinning!), but I did manage to catch some photos of the torture.

Adam struggled from the start because the idiot placed his hands over his head rather than behind his back. He's also made of bacon and nicotine so I don't think anyone realistically expected him to win. He fidgeted and grimaced the entire time while the girls stood stoic with their eyes closed. After about 20 or so minutes, the lump finally fell just as we all expected him to.

Now we're down to Porsche and Rachel. Holding on didn't seem to be a problem for either of the girls and for the next 20 minutes they stood with nary a flinch. All of a sudden, Porsche started to twitch. I don't think it was her arms. I think it was the spinning, the godforesaken spinning... round and round, over and over, never ever stopping. *pukes into a cup* Out of nowhere Porsche says, "I have to get down." Wha... wha... what?!? Look, I realize you're probably sick as a dog and the anxiety is doing all sorts of crazy things to your brain, but you hold on, bitch! Hold on and puke on yourself if you have to. This is do or die!

My words fall on deaf ears as Porsche just - ploop - plops into the butter. That's it. That's all she wrote. Rachel has won part 1.

After everyone showers and gets their equilibrium back, there's a lot of reminiscing about past competitions and who won what. The second Adam leaves the room, Rachel turns to Porsche and tells her she needs to win part 2. Rachel is concerned that if Adam wins parts 2 & 3, he'll evict her from her game. I hate to say it, but I think that might be ok. In a Porsche/Adam final 2, Porsche has to win, right? Those chuckleheads in the Jury House couldn't possibly vote for Adam to win, could they? I could see Jeff & Jordan voting for Adam (because they're idiots and have no respect for the game), but would anyone else vote for him?

Rachel is convinced that in a Rachel/Adam final 2, Adam would win. I'm not so sure I agree with her. I think no matter who Rachel is up against in the final 2, she will win Big Brother 13. It won't be by a landslide, but she'll win. Porsche's best shot to win is for Adam to win parts 2 & 3 and take her to the final 2. Maybe I'm putting too much faith in the Jury, but I'd like to think that they would recognize how useless Adam has been all summer long. Then again, Porsche completely sucks when put on the spot in a question scenario. I can almost see her talking her way right out of votes in the question portion. Christ, who the hell knows? It makes my blood boil to think of a vet winning and, at the same time, I'm scared shitless Adam will pull a miracle out of his ass.

Looking back on this season, I think we can blame where we are now all on Kalia. Had Kalia not completely fucked up her first HOH, Brendon may not have come back, Rachel might have gone home sooner, and Daniele might still be in the game. Personally, I'm glad Kalia went out before the final three. That HOH that evicted Lawon was probably the biggest travesty of the summer. There were plenty of other mistakes along the way... most of which can be attributed to Adam's flipping. How the house let him get away with it for so long completely floors me. They let their personal bullshit get in the way of the game and a dud of a player snuck through to the end. What's even more stunning is that this dud actually thinks he's a solid contender. Adam thinks he can use the fact that he won some comps in the end to convince the Jury to vote for him to win. According to Adam, if he wins parts 2 & 3, he's got this thing locked up.

So, what do you guys think? Who do you want to win BB13? Do you think Rachel will win if she makes it to the final 2? Who do you think would actually vote for Adam? Can Porsche beat Adam in a final 2?

If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button in the right hand column and show a girl some love. I know it hasn't been the best of seasons, but hopefully I've managed to entertain you and make you laugh just a wee bit. For the next 13 weeks or so, you can find me over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog. And, don't forget, the BB13 fun isn't over just yet... we still have Vegas. Sweet, sweet Vegas. I've got more insiders than ever lined up and ready to dish all the dirt. Some of the gossip may end up here and some may end up over on the Bitchy Network. Any fights, sex romps, scandals, or bitchassness that goes down in Vegas will end up in my little hands and wrapped up in a pretty pink bow for all of you to enjoy. Get ready.

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Quid Pro Quo

Trudging through the murky misery that is Big Brother 13, I find myself covered in fecal matter, sludge, and cornflakes. You may ask yourselves, "Why cornflakes, Lala?" Well, here's my answer: Cornflakes are boring. They're bland. They're banal. They're unseasoned, unsweetened, and often need something like fruit or yogurt to dress them up. We're pulling into the final stretch and when I look back at all I've seen since July, I just kind of roll my eyes and shrug one shoulder in that infuriatingly nonchalant way that would make someone want to punch me. Christ, I want to punch me. When I think of all the outdoor activities and social gatherings I shunned for those first 6 weeks, I begin to question my sanity and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Big Brother 13 was set up to fail the moment they announced the duos returning. Robyn Kass couldn't do the job of finding 13 or 14 entertaining people and, in return, we were punished for it. We, the innocent fans, who have stayed faithful throughout the years were punished. I don't know about you, but I'm pissed off about it. I'm Joan Crawford "Damn mad!" about it. Let's rant, shall we?

Look, I love Big Brother. I've watched it in three countries, blogged it for years, and put my life on hold for it for months at a time. It was all justifiable because what I was doing/watching was entertaining. That is all I ask from any tv show I watch or write or about it - ENTERTAIN ME. It's the reason I watch and it's the reason you watch. Television's job is to either entertain or inform. As Big Brother is in the "entertainment" category, I can, without a doubt, conclude that Big Brother 13 is a giant festering failure of funk.

Any reality tv show's success, whether it be Big Brother, Bad Girls Club, Real World, or the Jersey Shore, depends on casting. CASTING! A show based on the everyday happenings of real life people has to be propelled by the very people being documented. Let's imagine for a moment if the Bad Girls Club was full of shy, quiet, studious types or if the Jersey Shore was just a bunch of kids who thought premarital sex was a bad thing. Casting makes or breaks a show and for the past 2 years, Big Brother's casting has been an insult to us all.

The key to casting Big Brother is to cast BIG personalities. You want confident, manipulative, and charismatic people in the house. You want people who aren't afraid to express themselves, people who are willing to stand up for what they believe in, people with opinions, people who are passionate, and people who don't hide behind what they think we all want to see. When you cast a bunch of lumps who are satisfied with the status quo, you've called my mother a whore and kicked my dog. I take it as a personal insult when someone hand delivers me a person like Adam Poch and expects me to be entertained by him. Exactly how stupid and zombie-like do you think I am Robyn Kass? Am I supposed to eat up someone like Adam Poch and ask for seconds? Give me a little credit, why don't you. I'm smarter than that. I'm better than that. I deserve a go-getter. I deserve a little personality. How you interview and screen thousands of people every season and come up with a waste of space like Adam Poch is a mystery to me.

If casting ordinary people who come to the auditions is so fucking difficult, then, by all means, recruit. Recruit actors and models for all I care - at least those people are in the industry of entertaining. As entertainers tend to be charismatic and outspoken, I'm all for it. Take, for example, Russell Kairouz of Big Brother 11. I don't think he was a model or an actor, but he was a recruitment. As a person, he wasn't my cup of tea, but as a player he was pretty off the charts entertaining. I can still remember where I was, what I was wearing, and exactly what I was doing the day Russell crawled on his stomach up to the HOH room to have a secret meeting with Ronnie. I was on my treadmill approaching the 40 minute mark when I leapt off and damn near broke my face in an effort to run over to my computer and drink in the amazing scene unfolding before me. I want to feel like that again. I want to be shocked. I want to be surprised. I want to catch my breath and literally bite my fist in anticipation of what could possibly happen next. In contrast, with Big Brother 13 I sit with a scowl on my face and glare at my computer in resentment. I watch the houseguests nap and daintily tiptoe their way through the game. I wake up in the morning and ask myself, "How the hell am I supposed to turn this into an entertaining blog?" I shouldn't have to ask myself that. There are 24 hours in a day and $500,000 on the line. I should be clicking through pages upon pages of notes, sifting through dozens of screencaps, and chomping at the bit to tell you all what went down in the house yesterday. Instead my notes read: Adam didn't use the POV. Kalia sad.

What really chaps my ass is how Grodner's team knows this season sucks and, in response, has resorted to cheap hokey tactics to entertain the CBS viewing audience. Had Robyn Kass and Allison Grodner not made the the mistake they made in casting in the first place, CBS wouldn't have to invent last minute Pandora's Boxes and drag people like Tori Spelling into the house. Since the cast was hopeless from the start and it was pretty evident around week 2 or 3 that this was going to be a lackluster season, new people should have been brought in and the game should have been revamped. It's done all the time in the UK. New people are brought in well after the half way mark, multiple evictions are made, housemates are forced to scramble, and it's like having an entirely new season laid out before you. My motto is: If there's a problem, fix it. Just fucking fix it. Bringing Brendon back, designing comps for certain vets to win, and dressing up Adam with primal screams and meeting his dream woman is not fixing the problem. It's putting a giant sign over it that says: "Look the other way please. Look at the shiny Tori Spelling over there. Nothing to see here." Again, how stupid does CBS think we all are?

Typically, I come here and pick on the players, but today I'm laying all of the blame on Allison Grodner and Robyn Kass. Had you done your jobs right from the get go, I wouldn't have spent my summer bitching and moaning about how boring and useless this cast is. I'm not exactly sure how it works in tv land, but when people in the real world don't do their jobs to the best of their ability, they're fired. I think you two ladies need to hand in your resignations and pass the torch on to someone younger, someone with newer ideas. Competitions shouldn't be recycled, favoritism shouldn't be an issue, and it shouldn't be a struggle for me to force myself on a daily basis to watch your little dog and pony show. The only reason you survive in the ratings is because you have little to no competition and a fiercely loyal online fanbase. If you can't do the show right, then don't do it at all. I'd rather you take it off the air then have to watch it go down in flames like it has. I respect the institution that is Big Brother too much to watch you and your staff cast lifeless uninteresting people time and time again. What's worse is that we can all see your giant hands manipulating the game more than ever. It's insulting.

In closing, I truly love the game of Big Brother and when someone takes a giant dump on top of something I love, I get angry. When someone insults me with dismal players, I become furious. When blatant manipulation is flashed in front of me, I begin to seethe. I don't know if anyone of any importance will ever see this blog, but they need to know that what they're doing, what they're creating, is a joke. I'm not one of those neutral BB sites that pretends everything is fine and dandy just to please the masses. Everything isn't fine and dandy. Changes need to be made, people need to be held accountable, and we need the show that we all adore to come back next summer with a vengeance. According to a random numerology site, the number 14 is considered "the number of forgetfulness". I'll make you a deal CBS - give me a killer cast, innovative competitions, and a ruthless game for Big Brother 14 and I'll be willing to forget the tragedy that has been Big Brother 13. I'll sweep it under the rug and never speak of it again. ENTERTAIN ME AND I'LL ENTERTAIN YOU. That's how this works - it's a give and take. Quid pro quo Big Brother, quid pro quo.

Since the HG's are having an early eviction this week and I think they're pretaping a show today, the feeds could be down for almost 24 hours. I'll be back on Friday to discuss the ridiculous final four we're left with. Since these late in the season blogs are more likely to be seen by the cast than my earlier blogs, expect even more vitriol than usual. I want those idiots to see what I really think of them. In the meantime, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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