Friday, July 23, 2010

The Rachel Reilly Defense

Hey Y'all. What's UP in the hizzie? I'm SO psyched to be like writing this BLOG today. SEriously, I literally like said to myself, "Colette LALA you get to write a blog. Aren't YOU so psyched?" Then I said to myself, "YES I'm psyched. OBVI!!!" It's like I'm RUMpleSTILtskin and let my hair down and you all climbed UP inside and was like "Hells yeah, THIS is awesome!" and I was like "Don't be MESSING up my weave and all that!" Heheheheheeeeeeee Oh my god, I'm soooooo funny! It's so AMAZING that you guys like show up every day. I'm like SO blessed. All my homies be bitches wit the itches. Get some on ointment on that shit y'all. LULZ But seriously, it's like I have a super fun time when I get to RITE about all these bitches yo. Girls be crying and boys be sighing. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fiyah! Majorly totes the place to be. It's so CRAAAAAAZY that's this is the place to BE. :) Thanks AMerica. It's SO good that you like push buttons and like whack whack whack whack tada! POW! I'm here at COlette Lala's super cool blog. Wooooooow.

*gun shot sounds in the distance*


Ok, she's dead. Let's recap, shall we?

Monet is gone, no one shed a tear (except Monet), and I sat at home mumbling chants to myself that the HOH comp goes my way. I built an altar and mixed some rosemary, garlic, and olive oil together. That's either the secret potion for Brendon losing or my recipe for an Italian salmon rub. I'm not sure, but I do know that only good things happen when those ingredients are mixed together so I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. It took about 15 minutes for the Feeds to return and when they did we discovered what we had known all along. Kathy Faye couldn't find a way to take a nap on her surfboard so the bitch is already out (thanks Angela). In addition, Lane, the silent killer who probably throws everything, is also out. Word of advice: if ever Kathy goes a day without her mascara and 18 naps and Lane says more than 100 words, you know the apocalypse is near and you should seek shelter.

On the sidelines of the comp, Dragon Lady looks for her smokes, Lane shrugs his shoulders, and Hyena Fuckface has now put on a cheerleading costume. Her cries are shrill and I broke my headphones hurling them against a wall. "Go Brendon! You can do it! Wooooohoooo! You got this!!! I'm here for you! You're doing SO awesome!!! Keep going. OMG You're the best!!!" I put a call in to my local gun shop, taped my headphones back together, and returned to the Feeds to find that not only has Kristen dropped, but so has Hayden. What in the sam hell is going on here?!

*It's at this point that I encounter my car drama. Twitter and Facebook followers know what I'm talking about. I arrive back home and I'm furious.*

Not long after that Britney falls, then Enzo - making Enzo the first Have-Not. The dipshits left on the surfboards focus and concentrate on the task at hand while Ragan seizes his opportunity to reprimand every bully in school who has ever fucked with him. Shut up Ragan. Last time I checked there wasn't a soapbox permanently attached to your feet. Britney interrupts him up by telling him his tip is slippery or something. Rachel begins to talk louder than Britney and shouts, "Oh my god Ragan! You look sooooo hot! All the boys at home are thinking how sexy you are!!!" Shut up. You stupid cunt.

Eventually, Bitch Boy Brendon falls and, let's face it, that's all I really cared about. It shuts Rachel up and the two begin to pout together.

Looking at them all sad and forlorn I began to get a tingle in my tummy. It was a tingle of happiness and hope. I felt my soul come alive again. I knew at that moment that fairies existed. One fluttered prettily and landed on the top right corner of my laptop. I gazed at her thinking how lovely she was. She had teeny tiny princess shoes and a garland of delicate lilies in her hair. She blew me kisses as her wings fluttered. I smiled and thought... "Life is good. I don't have to hate anymore." I named my fairy princess Arabella. She liked that name and patted my hand with her little itsy bitsy fingers. It was precious and priceless. I wanted to stay like that forever.

Then... I raised my palm as if to pet sweet Arabella and brought my hand down lightening quick smashing her into a pink gooey sticky mess. *sighs* I'm sorry. Rachel started talking to Brendon about how she told Chenbot love only comes once in a lifetime and I reacted on instinct. I will miss Arabella. She will always be a reminder to me of what could have been. Mostly because, I can't seem to get remnants of her little fairy skin out of the crevices of the keyboard. My 'K' button is all sparkly now.

Ok so eventually, we're left with just Ragan and Matt. The two immediately begin to scheme with Ragan telling Matt he wants him to be HOH. They talk about possibilities for nominations and, it turns out, Matt is hell bent on getting Kathy out of the house. He'll put up either Kathy or Rachel or Kathy and Brendon. It doesn't really matter. He just wants Kathy out. Ragan moans a bit about not wanting to look like an asshole to Rachel, but basically he's on board with getting the Dragon Lady out as well. Ragan suggests they bring certain people out to talk about nominations and I'm just thinking to myself "Why?". Why does every damn thing have to be workshopped and mulled over? Ragan would probably prefer to make sculptures of his feelings and write letters to dead relatives explaining the ins and outs of why and how he does what he does. Well, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of everything being a potential seminar for learning and understanding. Ragan's got that disease Rupert had last season on Survivor. Talk, explain, feel, open up, understand... What Ragan needs is a good Buddhist monastery experience where talking is forbidden and silence is golden. I'm on the phone to Tibet as we speak. I'll even pay for it. Anything to get him to shut the hell up.

And this is where the Feeds go down for what seems like an eternity. We don't get to see Ragan fall. We don't get to see the aftermath. We don't even get to see Rachel handing Matt the key. By the time Feeds return, Rachel is well on way into talking Matt to death. She's happy for him. She's so thankful she met Brendon. She doesn't understand what the sores on her face are from... yadda yadda yadda. It's neverending.

Matt pretty much tells Rachel point blank that everyone in the house wants her and her pussy boyfriend gone. Rachel is stunned. She's flabergasted. How in the world could anyone want the most perfect couple in the world out of the house?! I'll tell you how Rachel. When I walk by a pet store and see precious puppies in the window, I think of your face and I very systematically crush everyone one those puppies' skulls in with my bare hands. If I see a baby on it's daddy's shoulders and I hear your voice in my head, I grab the baby and smash it on the ground. You make me want to do vile and horrible things Rachel. I'm sitting here with no toenails, one eye, half my hair yanked out, and Satanic symbols carved into my skin. When you speak, I want to die. It's as simple as that. Your voice, your laugh, your tears make the world not want to turn anymore. It's permanently noon here now because of you. It's hotter than fuck outside, my car is being a total bitch, and I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

Great, now I'm crying. God, she makes me so angry. I now know how women snap and kill their husbands or abandon their children. They heard Rachel speak. Susan Smith, Pamela Smart, Aileen Wuornos, Elizabeth Bathory, Lizzie Borden... they were normal well-adjusted women who just happened to bump into Rachel Reilly on the street. They got one whiff of her and went on to commit horribly heinous crimes. Lawyers will start to use the Rachel Reilly defense in court. If the bitch doth shrill, then the women must kill

Matt and Rachel continue their little convo. Matt is trying to talk game, but Rachel keeps steering the conversation back to her and Brendon. Matt is literally telling her how she can stay in the game if she agrees to send Kathy home and Rachel is interrupting saying moronic things like, "People really want me and my man to leave? Whyyyyy?"

After her meeting with Matt, Rachel shuffles into where Kristen is lying down. She's crying and saying she refuses to kiss Matt's ass which is such a total lie because she just got done telling him how great he is and how happy she is for him. Anyhow, the HG's get a liquor delivery and Rachel wants her red wine. Oh, did I forgot to mention that just minutes before she was saying "I can't eat. I can't drink. I think I'm getting an ulcer. Me, me, me, I, I, I..."? Even though her love is paralyzing her ability to eat and drink, bitch wants to get drunk, only... wait for it... BB won't let her! LOL It's so perfect, it's divine. BB needs to do a DR with Rachel and they know when she gets going on that red wine that she's more insufferable than usual so they tell her she can't drink and this makes her cry... more. Alright, to be fair, I'd probably cry too if someone told me I couldn't drink. Then again, I'm not an asshole like Rachel so it's perfectly ok for me to sob and weep, but it's not ok for Rachel.

Later on Matt gets his HOH and I missed it cuz I was busy having nightmares about red headed crazy women trying to kill me. Please visit for photos of the event.

I'm gonna end this here. Again, my apologies for phoning it in. I'm going through some stuff right now that's unfortunately affecting my blogging. I assure you it's almost done with and hopefully *fingers crossed* all will be back to normal here shortly.

So, are you happy Matt won HOH? Do you think Matt is telling the truth about wanting Kathy out? What violent crimes has Rachel made you commit? Are Hayden and Kristen going to start backing away from Brenchel? Will Kathy regret her moronic vote last night? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

They Must Be Stopped!

There is a recurring nightmare I have that haunts my days and nights. Sometimes I'll be standing in line at the grocery store and all of a sudden I'll shout, "Oh god no!". Or I'll be driving in my car and suddenly I'll jerk my arms and swerve onto a median trembling and crying to myself. Why, just the other day I was chatting with friends when I inexplicably stood up and rammed my head as hard as I could into a wooden door. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, the vile and evil thoughts keep creeping into my brain and paralyzing me with fear. I think you all know what I'm talking about. I've seen some of you react in a similar manner. It's like we're all in an M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie or something. We never know when it will strike or who it will hurt. It terrifies us from within. It's turning our souls into black cavernous abysseses. It's pungent. It's gooey. It's got a life of it's own. It's almost unspeakable... what if, my god, WHAT IF BRENDON BECOMES HOH TONIGHT?!? *blood curdling scream* Let's recap, shall we?

I apoligize in advance, but today is gonna be that short blog I was talking about. Bitch has places to go and things to do. I'd much rather sit here and entertain you whores all day, but life beckons.

OK now that I've scared the bejesus out of everyone, I'm afraid there's not really much to say about what went on yesterday. Rachel got her camera and took lots of photos of herself. Actually, that's not really fair of me to say. She also took a photo of Enzo on the toilet. I'd be remiss if I neglected to mention that.

For about 24 hrs or so, the house has been on an indoor lockdown. You know what that means, right? ENDURANCE. Better yet, Kathy is licking in between her fingers trying to get to any residual nicotine left behind. She's also up and walking around a lot. It's almost unnerving. My world ceases to make sense when Dragon Lady isn't supine wrapping her veiny legs around a blanket. Maybe her nic fit is to blame for what she does later on in the night. I'll get to that shortly.

So the HG's are bored, you're bored, I'm bored. There's a lot of laying around and talking about past BB seasons as well as discussing the Real Housewives franchise. My recent decision to hate Ragan turns out to be well founded - he's a Bethenny fan. Enough said. Britney. for god knows what reason, thinks the OC version is the best one which kind of makes me worry for her sanity. NYC is clearly the best. She also doesn't care for Gretchen. Come on! Gretchen's the most sane one on that nightmare of a show. I could talk for days about the Real Housebitches. I tend to side with whoever makes the show the most interesting. I'm Teams Jill, Nene, Gretchen, and... wait for it... Danielle. I can't help it. Those Manzos makes my no-no pucker and make evil faces.

While the HG's were discussing this and that, Joe Public (you assholes) were talking about Matt's big lie on last night's show. Matt made up some disease called Massingillyitis or something that his "wife" (I happen to think she's really a he) suffers from and that's why he's in the BB12 house playing for the money. Personally, I have no problem with it. I've always been a big fan of thinking outside the box and coming up with clever ways to manipulate your opponents. Funnier still, the lie is actually kind of working on big ole boneheaded Brendon. Then again, I think if you told Brendon your cat had a fungus in between it's toes, he'd probably cry and stroke your hair.

The only part of Matt's lie that really bothered me is when he promised to give a donation to the foundation for the disease he picked to give his wife. Gimme a break. Stop trying to be so politically correct and just keep whatever money you win for yourself. Yeah, I said it. If I won $500,000 on a tv show or in the lottery I wouldn't give one cent of it to anyone but myself. Alright, maybe I'd take my niece to Chuck E. Cheese or something. Actually, scratch that. I'm convinced the bubonic plague is alive and well in that pit of colorful balls. I'll take her Disney World instead. See? I'm nice.... sometimes. The point I'm trying to make, if I have one, is that you're on a reality which means you're kind of an attention whore anyways and, as an attention whore, you should be true to yourself and roll around naked in your winnings like Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson did in Indecent Proposal. Yeah, I think that's what I'm trying to say.

This brings us to the only real turn of events that happened last night. All day Monet has been crying while pitifully packing her things. She's upset that Matt will essentially be rewarded for being a jerk to her if he stays in the house. She cries to Kathy and says she really wants to stay. She thinks it's unfair she's being targeted just because she won some money. Dragon Lady feels her pain and thinks she sees some flecks of tobacco in Monet's weave. They hug it out while Dragon Lady frantically licks Monet's head.

After Dragon Lady gets a taste of that good stuff, she marches upstairs to the HOH and tells Brendon and Rachel that she can't in good conscience give Matt her vote today. She feels she has a moral obligation to teach him a lesson by switching her vote to Monet. *sigh* I hate these assholes so much. I really do. I'm SO sick of everyone trying to do the "right" thing and play with honesty and integrity. I'm sorry, but honesty and integrity are fucking boring. I don't pay to watch people be nice to each other. I pay to watch people lie, backstab, and be evil. Kathy's vote probably won't even make a difference in whether or not Matt stays or goes, so the fact that she thinks it's the equivalent of a spanking for Matt being a bad boy nauseates me. Oh, and don't count on her winning HOH anytime soon. I'm thinking she'll be throwing every single HOH comp. She's too much of a pussy to nominate anyone and put her foot down. Instead she'll hide behind worthless votes and be the BB12 Mrs. Garrett.

As for Rachel and Brendon, I hope this week is the end of their time in paradise. I need someone who'll shake this house up from it's core to win the HOH tonight. I'm thinking it definitely can't be Andrew, Ragan, or Kristen. I want whoever will nominate Brendon and Rachel. I want this next week to be a living hell for them. They've tortured me endlessly with their talking and breathing and existing. I want Rachel crying. I want Brendon begging on his knees to whomever is in the HOH. I want them to be ripped from each other's arms. Let's get Rachel out first, then get Brendon out in time to make it to the Jury House. Those weeks apart from each other are exactly what they need. Maybe Kristen can get sent to the Jury House too where she'll make sweet love to Brendon and emerge with a bun in the oven. Rachel will go all postal, kill Brendon, and then herself. It'll be a very fitting ending to the pain and suffering they've caused me.

So, who do you want evicted tonight? Who do you want to win HOH? How will Dragon Lady react when she discovers there's another lockdown coming (to remove the contraption BB spent all this time building)? What do you guys think of all this "nice" game play going on? Comment it out bitches and have a great day. Again, sorry for how short this is. I'll make it up to you tomorrow. Please check for to catch up on anything you missed.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Most Perfect Couple In The World

Occasionally, in the dark of night amid the screeching sirens, the steam rising from the manholes, and the sounds of alley cats being violently raped by mole people, three tiny little perfect beings of light known as The Fates will emerge and cast their lovely spidery spells over unsuspecting humans. You may remember The Fates from last season and how they weaved their magic in the BB11 house. (at least I hope you do cuz I sure as hell don't). The Fates will only come out for very very special people - people deemed worthy of great things and plentiful successes. This year The Fates have set their sights on a red-haired vixen from Vegas. They've seen her struggle from chemist to barmaid, from flat-chestedness to voluptuousness, from sorority girl to burbling idiot and, together, they've decided to send her a man not only her equal in intellect, but also her equal in assholedness (pronounced: asshole-ed-ness). She will feel blessed, grateful, special, amazing, and privileged. Her time on this Earth will finally have meaning and she and her male counterpart will become "the most perfect couple in the world". They'll live amidst fairies and wood nymphs. He'll string daisies in her hair and she'll talk for 18 hours straight. It'll truly be majestic and otherworldy. It'll drive us insane. Let's recap, shall we?

Now, I'm not really sure how the day began. I'm assuming it was with a hacking cough (Kathy) and an annoyed look (Monet), but I sure do know how it ends. We begged and begged for some drama and, thankfully bitches, we got it! I'll just go ahead and start with what I know.

OK so Kathy and Monet are talking and having a bit of a heart to heart. Kathy takes it upon herself to advise Monet that Britney might not be the best person to do her campaigning for her. Britney is made of thorns and squirrel's blood and, generally, people don't like thorns and squirrel's blood. Monet just sighs and purses her lips. It soooo hard to be on the block. No one understands what she's going through. It's bad enough she'll probably go home, but couldn't Kathy see it in her heart to give her a sympathy vote so she doesn't look stupid like Annie? Kathy blows smoke in Monet's face, points at Monet, and says, "Look chickie, you're on the block because of that money. That's why you're going home." Monet doesn't listen. She never listens. Instead she sighs (again) dramatically and says, "Rachel and Brendon are so evil. They're on a total power trip. I wish they'd get herpes." Ok so that might not be word for word what she said, but it was something like that. Kathy takes another puff, puts one hand on her hip and declares, "I disagree. I think Rachel and Brendon are genuine. I believe every word that escapes their lips. They're bathed in goodness and light." Yadda yadda yadda. The point to all this is that Monet is a snivelling little bitch and Kathy is cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Let's move on.

The afternoon arrives and rumors are spreading almost as fast as Rachel's legs. Apparently, Rachel told Kristen that Britney said that Kristen was going to change her vote and get rid of Matt instead of Monet. I don't know how this rumor got started. I don't know if there's any truth to it. All I know is that I have to thank ebersolebe for trying to explain it to me. Bless her heart. I'm a little slow sometimes. Ok so now this rumor is "out there" and everyone is all jumpy and weirded out by it. Kristen converts from a box of chocolates back to her human form and confronts Britney asking her what the eff is going on? Britney gets huffy and says she never said what she's accused of saying. She marches over to Kathy because Kathy, being very good at stirring shit for a living, might be the one feeding Rachel all these lies. Kathy shoots flames out of her nose, rolls over in whatever she's using for a bed, and makes Britney cry. Britney, in turn, runs to Monet and tells her that the mean Dragon Lady just yelled at her. I know. It's all very confusing and it doesn't make much sense. Shit like this will happen when Big Brother only shows you 2 feeds out of 8000. Viewers tend to miss pieces of important information.

Britney is crying and Kathy is again saying how she doesn't have "time" for all this childish bullshit. Again, I ask, how can you not have "time"? Your DayRunner has officially been cleared for the next 8 weeks. All you have is time! Anyhow, they sit outside trying to kiss and make-up when Kathy puffs out some words of wisdom, "You know what babe. *exhale* I'm thinking it's no fun to be HOH. *inhale* Mo' money, mo' problems. You know what I'm saying? Reminds me of a crackden I once busted up back in '93... Have you ever tried one of them "Salad Shooters"? *exhale* Let me tell ya, when you get your hands on one of those, you'll never go back to chopping vegetables again. *inhale*" Ok Kathy, whatever you say. Go back to sleep.

Britney leaves Mumbling Mary outside and heads on up to visit Rachel in the HOH. She turns on the tears and insists that she hasn't campaigned for Monet at all - even though Monet is her best friend in the house. Rachel tells her point blank that people have told her that Britney is going around the house saying shit. Britney cries some more, claims exhaustion, and says all she's trying to do is have a good time in the house. If having a good time is making fun of people and crying constantly, then she's doing a hell of a job. Britney tries to explain how it would be stupid of her to say that Kristen is voting to keep Monet. A lie like that makes no sense. Rachel nods her head and then does what Rachel does best.... turns the conversation to herself and her man.

Rachel begins a neverending soliloquoy on how she'd totally understand if Britney was campaigning for Monet. If Brendon was on the block, Rachel would be fighting like a mad dog to keep him in the house. If Brendon falls down and scratches his knee, Rachel will kiss it and make it better. If Brendon poops himself by accident, Rachel will be there to scrub scrub scrub until the stains are all gone. Rachel was put on this Earth to serve Brendon so she totally understands if Britney is looking out for her friend Monet. Britney just kind of looks at Rachel quizically wondering if chlamydia can walk and, if so, will it walk up the chair and inside her shorts. Rachel continues on...

"I would do anything for Brendon. He's so amazing and we're so amazing together that I'd totally jump in front of a bullet for him. I really like you Britney. I can see us being best friends. Speaking of best friends, Brendon is my best friend. I mean, can you believe how we found each other?! And in Big Brother of all places! I'm so blessed. Really, I don't know what I've done to deserve such an amazingly perfect life. If I didn't have Brendon, I'd probably be on the street scoring rock and selling my body. Why are you and I frenemies Britney? We could totally be like sisters. We're so alike. I mean, I love you. I really do. We should hang out when this is all done. Brendon and I will be living together with 4 babies, a rabbit, and 3 cats, but you could totally come visit us. I think Kathy is coming to visit too. Did you know that Kathy think that's Brendon and I were meant to meet? Isn't that amazing? It's like we're magical or something. So yeah, I totally get it that you want Monet to stay. Brendon is the reason I breathe and we're so good together. You know what I mean? You were in a sorority and so was I. I'll bet if Brendon was a girl, he'd be in a sorority too. It'd be called the Amazing Sorority. I'm sure there's a Greek letter for "amazing". Do you know what it is cuz I don't? I think Brendon and I should go to Greece. Do you think Brendon would like Gyros? I think he would. He likes to eat and I like to eat. Can you believe two people who like to eat actually found each other? I mean, what are the chances of that happening?"

Britney replies, "Yeah ok, ummm , you're not really my target. You never have been. I'm not going to put you or Brendon up on the block." Rachel nods and smiles, "I'm not going after you either. I'm not in a fucking showmance. I'm in a re-la-tion-ship. Did you know that Matt volunteered to go up on the block?"

*pause for the end of nonsense and the beginning of awesomeness*

OK so in the middle of this psychotic rant that Rachel was on, she manages to leak out that Matt volunteered to go up as a pawn. This is news to Britney because not too long ago Matt was downstairs bitching about being on the block and saying that he's going to seek vicious revenge on Brenchel for doing him wrong. Here is where things begin to get fun.

Britney's jaw hits the floor. She tells Rachel all the smack that Matt has been saying to the rest of the house. Rachel's world begins to crash down around her. She needs to find Brendon. She must consult him now! She calls Matt this year's "Ronnie" and tells Britney she knew all along that putting Matt on the block was a mistake, but that boneheaded love of her life Brendon just woudn't believe her. Right as Rachel is about to summon Brendon upstairs, BB calls an outdoor lockdown. Britney hugs Rachel and says, "Sorry you got played." and I laughed and laughed and sprinkled glitter down my dress.

Outside Rachel grabs Britney and Brendon for a super important hammock meeting. She makes Britney tell Brendon everything that Matt has been saying. Brendon yawns, adjusts his sunglasses, and wonders when he can get back to working out. Rachel pokes him over and over again trying to get some sort of response while Britney sits there looking very pleased with herself. At this point in time, feedsters have no idea if what Britney has been saying about Matt is true or not. I mean, she roasts puppies for breakfast yet she cries a lot. We're so torn as to whether or not she can be believed. We know that Matt wanted to protect Badda-bing, but has he really been plotting to go after Brenchel this whole time? We'll have to wait until the house meeting to find out.

Yes, I said "house meeting". After the lockdown is finally over, Rachel summons her favorite minion Ragan upstairs to figure out what she should do and how she should approach this "Matt thing". Well, Ragan is in love with Matt so he goes on and on about how Britney has so much to gain from such a rumor and that Matt is perfection personified and would never even hurt a fly. Ragan suggests they have a house meeting so they can caucus and get all their oooey gooey feelings out in the open so that everyone is on the same page. It is here that I really begin to hate Ragan. I liked him better when he was mute and quietly observing. Now that he's talking and contributing he's singlehandedly foiling all sorts of great backstabbing and secrets. He always wants to "do the right thing" and I simply won't stand for it. He also has a hint of Rachel Disease where he goes on and on and on and on saying the same shit over and over again and always ending his speeches by telling someone he loves them. It's exhausting and completely annoying to listen to.

This brings us to said "house meeting". Rachel gathers everyone in the Living Room and is determined to get to the bottom of the mystery as to whether or not Matt said he was mad at going up on the block and if he's now planning on going after Brenchel. All the assholes sit down and Rachel begins... "Someone is playing both sides of the house." Ragan interrupts and says, "Wait a minute, I don't think we should start by accusing people when we don't know the facts yet." OH SHUT THE HELL UP RAGAN! I'm so fucking sick of your pious ass. Shut up. Sit down and shut the fuck up. Jesus!

Rachel starts over again... "We are gathered here today because I want Monet to go home." Seriously, that's more or less how she restarted the meeting. Anyhow, she announces to everyone that Matt volunteered himself as a pawn in order to ensure that Monet went home. Apparently, now, there are accusations that Matt is actually mad about being on the block. She turns to Matt and asks, "What do you have to say for yourself?" I leaned in really close and wondered what Matt would say. Would he come up with some elaborate scheme? Would he call Britney out for being a stinky lying ho-bag? Would he cry and say the game is just too much for him? No. No to all of the above. You want to know what Matt did? He sat there, crossed his arms over his chest, and says, "Yeah I said it. You assholes are bulllies and I don't like it. I want you out of the game." I'm paraphrasing a little bit of course for the sake of efficiency, but you get the idea.

Matt tells everyone how Rachel and Brendon wanted him to vote out Monet if they put Andrew on the block. Matt announces to the group that he couldn't do that. He doesn't care for Andrew and wants him and his weird rituals out of the house. Maybe it has something to do with Andrew not showering on the high holidays. Who knows? So Matt tells everyone that he couldn't promise to vote how Rachel and Brendon wanted him to so instead he volunteered to go on the block as a way to get out of voting. LOL So stupid. He doesn't like how Brenchel have been on this big power trip and, seriously, how many HOH's are there this week anyways?

Well, Rachel begins to get mad, Brendon shouts "boobies!", and Monet begins to sniffle to herself. Hayden tries to hide under the pillows, Kristen transformed herself into a lovely area rug, and I think Enzo fell asleep behind his sunglasses. Kathy was jonesing for a smoke while Ragan sat there wide-eyed and flummoxed that his precious Matthew isn't made of marshmallows. This was no Algonkian Round Table, let me tell ya. It went on and on with Rachel hooting and hollering about something or other. Brendon would occasionally burble out a comment or two that pretty much amounted to nothing more than, "Yeah, what Rachel said."

Matt tells everyone it's moronic to team up with a showmance because you'll always be second fiddle and that every person in the house needs to reconsider where their loyalties lie. Rachel hears the word showmance and her head spins around 3 times. It's true love, don't they know that?

In the midst of all this Britney leans over and pushes the button labeled "CRY" on Monet's lower back. Like magic, Monet stands up and cries that Matt is an evil little man. He lied to her and made her feel bad. Britney smiles to herself and watches as Monet leaves the meeting. Rachel then turns her attention on Britney. She wants Britney to tell everyone about how Matt told her to throw the next HOH. Britney doesn't like confrontation so she announces, "I just hate that my name is being brought up into this." What?!? This was all her doing! She's the instigator! Bitch can bitch, but she just can't handle when someone confronts her on it.

The meeting eventually ends and everyone begins to go their separate ways to rehash what just went down. I didn't know whether people would be pissed at Matt or finally realize that Brenchel needs to be destroyed. Turns out Hayden and Kristen still want Monet out. Better yet, Rachel gets some of that red wine into her and goes up to Matt to tell him she loves him. I'm not going to try to pretend to understand why these bitches think and act the way they do. All I know is that I think Matt is staying and that next week, god willing, the entire house could turn against Brenchel. The reason I say this is because late into the wee hours of the night Rachel proceeded to tell everyone who'd listen that she's in love with Brendon and that they are the "most perfect couple in the world". Being a sane and logical person, I can only assume that others would be bothered by this as much as I am. I mean, there's NO way the HG's would put up with that bullshit for much longer, would they?

So, what did you guys think of that house meeting? Do you think Matt is the luckiest man alive? Is Britney really evil and devising all this mayhem on purpose? Will Brendon ever find his balls? Would anyone be offended if I snuck into the house and wired Rachel's jaw shut? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Why Were There TWO Darrens?

Once upon a time there was a house full of strangers. One night after farting and eating fish sticks, they all reached under their beds, drank a concoction that came out of Rachel's hoo ha, and then died. Blissfully and peacefully the house was quiet. Feedsters paused for a mo, looked at one another, sighed, and then... CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES C'MON!!! Kool and the Gang burst through the doors, disco balls appeared out of nowhere, and at home we all stood in front of our laptops and danced to the infectious groove. Somewhere in the world Annie was laughing and saying "I told you so". BB12 bloggers decided to blog about Bewitched reruns instead (That Endora can be such a bitch!) Seriously, you guys, I can't take it anymore! Nothing ever happens in this house. I'd rather watch Paradise Hotel (come on, how great is that show?) to analyze game play than this sorry sack of idiots. *sigh*

I'll keep blogging. Don't start freaking out. I'm not quitting or anything. I'm just saying it's extremely difficult to write about a day where, literally, next to nothing happens. Last season, by this time, we'd already had the Beaner fight, scheming went on DAY AND NIGHT, Ronnie was runnning from group to group, My Friend Flicka was eating her oats and neighing trying to stay in the house, and I'd barely leave my spot to even get a potty break. I want that back! I want the delight, the excitement, the wonder. I want to bite my fists and say "Oh noooo she di-in't!". I want to be able to sit through an entire BBAD without either falling asleep or throwing shoes at the television. Alright, let's recap... I guess.

(My daily Kathy Faye "Laying Down" pic)

The HG's awake and Kathy Faye begins her daily workout. She walks outside to the couch, lights her cigarette, and she's done. It's amazing she barely even breaks a sweat. While sitting outside and aging herself about 15 years, Andrew comes out and does his "version" of a workout. He gets on the Elliptical and does things like move his arms and legs. Kathy Faye doesn't get it. I mean, seriously, why go through all the trouble? With nicotine oozing through her veins, Kathy tells Andrew that it's not fair for him to go on the block and that she and Kristen will do whatever they have to to keep him off. She tells him he has a lot more friends than he thinks and then she passes out with a lit cigarette in her yap.

Here's what bugs me about this: Why can't Andrew fight for himself? He's a grown man, a father, a doctor, yet he's got these blonde bimbesses having hour upon hour of conversations about him like he's a special needs case and has to have someone chop up his food for him. They say "Oh Andrew is so awkward", "He just doesn't know how to communicate.", "It's really not fair they pick on him." - if that doesn't sound like a Special Olympics participant than I don't know what does. Why all the coddling and pity? Let Andrew fight his own damn battles.

The POV Ceremony comes and goes and I guess whatever Kathy and was doing was working because Matt went up on the block instead. I'm really meh on Matt. I don't think he's cute, I have yet to see Mensa potential, he doesn't make me laugh, and he's not hating on anyone yet. I need hate. I need these bitches to actually feel an emotion other than "glad". Hey, I think I've just pinpointed what's missing in this house. Sure, Britney and Monet can bitch, but 2 out of 12 isn't nearly enough to get this party started. Everyone needs to stop being so fucking happy to be there and start aiming for the jugular.

So, the Plastics hear the POV news and how do you think they respond? They decide to nitpick and talk about all the STD's flying out of Rachel's vag. Yes, it's funny, but why isn't Monet fighting to stay? I'd rather watch Monet going person to person and making a case for herself. Calling Rachel a busted up hag isn't going to keep anyone in the house - no matter how much I agree with the assessment. When Annie went up on the block she cried for a little bit, threw a tantrum, then bitch got to work! For 4 days she didn't stop trying to save herself. I can respect that. I look back on it fondly. I kick holes in my walls wondering why the hell it didn't work!

What else, what else? Oh! Ummm I think Hyena Fuckface and Bitch Boy From Hell are getting closer to doing the nasty. They were well on their way to making something happen when BB actually came on the speaker and summoned Rachel to the DR. Come on, Big Brother! Get with the program! Rachel looks like a squealer and I'm almost positive Bitch Boy will cry afterwards. He's probably a cuddler too. Ewww. I'm more of a "Don't touch me", "Get the fuck out!" kind of gal. Last thing I want to do is talk about your stinky feelings or, worse yet, let you spend the night. No thanks! "Hit it and quit it" - tattooed on my ass.

This brings us to the late afternoon. Everyone is puttering about doing this and that. It's like an old folks home kind of. The house should really be called "Shady Pines". Sometimes they sit in the sun. Other times they eat soft easily digestible food, and, once in a while, they even get gassy. Yesterday was one of those whiles. Enzo was farting left and right and saying it smelled like wet puppies or some shit like that. I think Enzo's farts probably smell like Ass Licker's breath - hot, pungent, and will melt your face if you let it.

Later on Hyena Fuckface begins to talk about what she wants to do when she leaves Big Brother. If I had things my way, she'd leave within the next 5 minutes, but unfortunately I'm predicting she might stick around for another week or two. Oh my god... what if she stays for like another 4 weeks? Oh nooooo! Seriously, I don't know what I would do. I might have to find a bridge to leap off of or have my ear drums surgically removed. All I know is, if you think I'm bitchy now... just you wait and see exactly how evil I can get if Hyena Fuckface sticks around. Shit! Anyhow, I think her post BB plans were to hit the beach and get sushi. I think she even invited Kathy to stay out in California with her and Bitch Boy. Can you imagine touring L.A. with Hyena Fuckface? OMG I'd push her off the Universal trolley right into Jaws' mouth. Sure, it's a mechanical shark, but if I prayed hard enough, maybe an electrocution type thing would happen and the shark would malfunction and her boobs would get caught in all the it's wires. A girl can dream, can't she?

Then the assholes got stuck in the stocks again. I'm not sure how this works and it's really sad that I don't bother to look it up and find out. All I know is Hyena Fuckface's stockade is missing a very large ball gag. Everytime she's in that thing it's chat time! She never stops running her mouth for the entire hour... and this is where I begin to wonder if Bitch Boy is an amazing actor or just really really stupid. How, I repeat, HOW, can he stand to be around her? Either he's playacting the whole thing in an effort to be the next Jeff or he's a tremendous idiot. I'm thinking there's no in between. I refuse to believe that anyone on the planet would willingly spend time with this woman.

While the bitches were being punished, the couch crew got busy talking about all the money they'll make after the show is over. Ok, this really bugs me. Shouldn't they be focusing on the game and not eBay? Besides, no one really pays big bucks for any of their shit anyways. Didn't Ass Licker's yellow dress sell for like $33? What these assholes in the house need to remember is that you must be somewhat likable for people to want to buy your stuff. And, it's week 2 for crying out loud! Live in the now, not the later.

This brings us to BBAD. Ohhh the angry tweets I saw. I'm not kidding when I say people are pissed off at this season. Personally, I'm hoping the HG's are all just slow starters and eventually the fights and nonsense will begin. I mean, they have to. I will will it into fruition. I will go to my potion cabinet and mix up something super powerful. I refuse to listen to Enzo talk about his Slop Pastina for another minute. I want late night naked orgies with everyone making out in the pool. To this day, that night is still the best night in BB history. It was one of my least favorite casts, but those bitches knew how to party. Sure, half of them are in jail now, but who cares?! I was about done with them anyways.

Alright, that's all I got for today. So, do you want Matt or Monet to stay? Will Hyena Fuckface and Bitch Boy ever seal the deal? How long until Kathy Faye gets one of those throat box thingies like that old lady in Beetlejuice? Do you have faith this season will get better? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Kathy Faye Baker

The Showmance. I never really quite hated it so much as I do now. The cooing, the canoodling, the tiny whispers in the night that make me reach for the barf bag I saved from that flight to Nepal that we just won't talk about. Now, don't get me wrong, I like when people slut around and then give each other dirty looks the next day. Hell, that's my entire relationship history in a nutshell. What I don't care for though are the sly looks out of a corner of an eye to check that the cameras are picking up every hug, every tear, every whisper, every ass grab. And when the couple is comprised of a hyena and a testosterone-lacking doofus, why, I get suicidal. I almost took my own life yesterday by plunging shish kabob thing-a-ma-jigs into my gorgeous mug. Sure, I'm a little swollen and stuff is oozing out of my cheeks, but it was worth it dammit. It was worth it!

I've gotta be honest, I slept half the day yesterday. The doctor, Murray I think his name was, insisted propofol was completely normal for a shish kabob trauma so I went with it. It turns out I didn't miss too much as far as the BB house is concerned. Tweets were scarce. Hyena and Doofus made out. Kathy slumbered and I think Bitchney poked the eyes out of some innocent squirrels. Just your average BB12 day really.

There was one little nugget I found interesting: Rachel/Hyena/Giggles divulged that she'd love to be a sexy science host of a tv show. Does this sound like anyone else we know? As much as I loathe Rachel and wish she'd get a bad case of Mange, I still hate Ass Licker more. So... if there were to ever be a battle of the Science Nitwits, I'm rooting for Rachel. Let's face it, Ass Licker's face looks like a foot, the word "charisma" doesn't compute, her boobs are now growing on top of each other, and her awkwardness sends television viewers into a rage... kinda like that episode of Charmed when the Demon of Illusion made all the moviegoers really pissed off and want to kill each other. That's Ass Licker!

We learned that the POV Ceremony will take place today and then people tanned. Bo-ring!

BBAD started with Ragan telling us about his poetry slams. Poetry slams are basically places that really angry people who can't sing like to hang out. Their cadence and meter is all wonky and I'm quite sure they're all mad at "The Man". Although, when I think of "poetry slam", I think of taking one of those gigantic heavy poetry college textbooks and then slamming it right into Ass Licker's face. It might improve her nose. I'd be doing a public service really. Oh, but enough about Ass Licker, she'll be appearing at the BN soon enough. It's something you won't want to miss.... trust me!

Moving on... Kathy goes from one lying position to another and she's got Britney on the brain. Apparently, Britney came up to her when she was "fixing" to do laundry and was all like, "Why are you different to me now?" Kathy said, "I'm not different. I'm fixing to do laundry." Britney said, "You're different." Kathy said, "Well, I'm standing up. That's different." No, Kathy Faye, that's not what's different. Don't you remember how way back when last week you were the one reclining with Britney making fun of everyone? Don't act like you're all innocent now chicken fried steak. You, my dear, were the ring leader for the Plastics. You'd get them all into a frenzy and then after 45 cigarettes you'd pass out and pretend you knew nothing about nothing. God, I hate you. You are the most useless HG ever to grace the BB house. All you do is lay around, sigh, and mumble how you never have time for things. What in the sam hell are you talking about you don't have time for things? Do you have important meetings, shopping to do, meth houses to break into? You. Have. NOTHING. To. Do. Your job for the next 8 weeks is to play Big Brother. That's it. Play the goddamn game or get the fuck out. Seriously, I have no patience for people like you. Please quit. I beg you. Just quit. You can go home and sleep and add to your mascara collection or something. Look, I'm on my knees with my oozy face begging you to quit this game.

Damn I'm angry today, aren't I? There's a reason actually. I'm about to start a sort of "Hell Week" if you will. No, I'm not pledging a frat, but I might be trying out for the Navy Seals like Demi Moore did in G.I. Jane. I'll never tell. The point I'm trying to make, without getting too personal, is that this week is going to suck my luscious ass. It's the culmination of a very long and trying 2010 and it's all going down in a matter of days. I will TRY my very best to blog when I can, but I might have to miss a day or two this week. I know, I know, you're all crying already. Believe me, I'm crying too. I've never in my life missed a BB blog and it's not like I'm looking forward to this or anything. So, they may be short and quick until Saturday, but then I'll make it up to you guys I SWEAR. I've got a big juicy BB11 bombshell as well as a Survivor Nicaragua surprise so stick with me, you won't regret it. If you don't stick with me, I'll hunt you down and give you a wedgie or something.

Alright so Kathy is bitching to Kristen about Britney and they both decide that's it's completely unfair if Andrew gets backdoored this week. I disagree. It's the nature of the game. Besides, I need more Rachel enemies in the house for the time being. Kathy threatens to be on the "warpath" if Andrew leaves. Oh really, Kathy? What will you do? Roll over? Give up one of your blankets or pillows? Shut up you worthless idiot.

This brings me to Kristen. We all know I like her, but I'm having sort of an inner struggle with who she's aligning with and choosing to give tongue too. Krayden, Haysten, whatever awful name you bitches have decided for the infant Showmance #2 will not be tolerated here. If Hayden and Kristen develop into something, you will kindly refer to them as "HelmetShifter". Thank you.

And to all you bitches asking for my leprechaun, he's in Thailand at the moment procuring some "product" *wink wink*. He'll be back in the States either by this weekend or early next week. Patience. I miss the little guy too. I've had no one but my face to take my anger out on. Mr. O will get what he's been missing when he returns. You can count on that.

New readers must be totally confused. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is my leprechaun and he "does things" for me. He's not really a BB fan, but he tolerates it. He drinks a lot, packs my opium pipes, and worships Olivia Newton-John. He likes to give blog readers prizes with his ass on them (although I have no idea why) and he even has his own Twitter account ( I know, I know, he's so arrogant.

Oh shit.... I'm wathcing BBAD on DVR right now and Rachel just burst into the HOH clutching a bottle of red wine screaming "Who waaaants some Merlot?!?" Ok. That's it. I'm out. I can't right now. I just can't. All I hope is that someone peed in that bottle.

Alright bitches, I'm really sorry for how short this is. Seriously, it's killing me, but this bitch has some asses to kick and life to grab by the balls. In the meantime, please check to fill in any gaps I missed. So, what do you guys think of Kathy? Do you change the feed when Rachel appears just like I do? Do you still like Kristen? Will you support HelmetShifter if it happens? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Expect The Unexpected - OH SHUT UP!

Back in the olden timey days if a woman repeated herself over and over again, gallavanted in the open air, and muttered nonsensical phrases, I'm quite sure they'd cut out her tongue and send her to a sanitarium of some sort. There she would be free to apply and reapply mascara all day long. She could fingerpaint, maybe make some friends with the terminally comotose (because, seriously, let's face it, those are the only type of people who'd be able to tolerate her), and putter around all day in shoes without strings. I'd like to bring back this long lost tradition of willy nilly locking up women that the powers that be deemed unfit for society. I hereby name myself one of those "powers that be" and my first order of business is to commit Rachel to an indeterminate period of time in a padded cell. Let's recap, shall we?

There's lots to cover so let's jump right into the POV competition and end at our gloriously disturbing denouement that will surely haunt our souls for years to come. The POV competition was one where the HG's had to hang onto something and try to determine when one hour had passed. Whoever was closest to the hour without going over was the winner. As it turns out, our own little Mistress Of The Dark Bitchney ends up winning. She dropped at around 52 minutes with Enzo dropping at 1 Hour and 14 seconds. 14 seconds! That's a phrase we'll be hearing until the end of time. Trust me. 14 seconds! Enzo swears there's no way he waited longer than 8 minutes to drop after Bitchney and some of the HG's, the ones who lost, begin to suspect if maybe Big Brother fudged the numbers and rigged it so Bitchney would win. Who the fuck cares? Bitchney won POV, thank god, and we get at least one more week of her threatening to kill people. I, for one, am thrilled.

I didn't care for Britney earlier and I thought she was catty and judgmental, but, at this point in time, all I want to see in the BB12 house is anything and everything happen that will make Rachel and Bitch Boy's life a living hell. It is my distinct opinion that these two assholes are completely ruining the house, the game, and my sanity. I want them split up and I want it to happen sooner rather than later. Again, I must warn that anyone who wanted Annie out last week might be infected with a dangerous parasite like in The Matrix. Of course, you could also just be an idiot, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. Please seek medical attention as soon as possible and get that thing distorting your ability to reason and use logic sucked out of your bellybutton ASAP. Ok? Thanks.

With the competition over Monet cries and probably barfs up her lunch while Matt is up in the HOH reprimanding the players for not dropping immediately after Bitchney did. Rachel and Brendon look at each other realizing that maybe they should have put some more thought both into their nominations and how they were going to compete. After a minute of super hard thinking, Bitch Boy shivers and declares, "Monet is going home no matter what." Oh, is she Bitch Boy? Well, last I checked you're were not the HOH. Your flighty giggly excuse for a girlfriend was in charge and assuring all of us that you had no say in her reign.

The conversation turns to what will happen next week during the HOH competition. Ragan is still convinced it'll be Endurance. Rachel declares that there's no way Britney will win it. Both Ragan and Hayden are quick to tell Rachel that small girls always do well in Endurance comps. Apparently, Chelsia even told Matt in his pre-interview that it was good he was so small. Big meaty asshats never win Endurance comps. Rachel is dismayed to hear this news and decides herself that Britney still won't win. Rachel literally thinks she's got this whole game figured out when, in fact, she's ignoring what she needs to focus on and focussing on the minutiae that doesn't even really matter. She even says that if Britney wins next week she'll be fine, because Britney hates Andrew more and he'll be her target. The whole HOH room laughs at Rachel and informs her that no, Britney won't be after Andrew, she'll be after RACHEL for nominating her in the first place. Rachel cocks her head to the side and says, "Really?".

Ragan begins to steer the conversation to who the replacement nominee should be. He says it should be someone who's a pawn, someone they're not necessarily super tight with, and someone they could make a deal with. He's basically telling Brenchel to put up either Matt or Lane. I don't mind Ragan, but I'm getting really sick of him always helping out and being the voice of reason. Later on in the night, he'll just about infuriate me. If I had things my way, I'd get Kathy's ass up on the block. She's useless and lazy. Remember how last year I made a little challenge for myself to always snap a pic of Jordan eating? Well, this year I've decided the challenge will be to capture a photo of Kathy always laying down. I'm thinking I'll be super awesome at it. For example:

I gotta be honest. I'm having a really hard time typing this today. I got 3 hours of sleep and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm just going to jump ahead to the crap that went down last night and hopefully get myself a nap before the drama starts up again. My apologies, but that BBAD last night completely traumatized me.

OK so at some point Matt actually offers to go up as the pawn. He thinks it'll throw off people into not knowing that Badda-bing exists. I don't understand the logic. I no longer trust him since he was so convinced Britney was Mr. Salvatore and I could really care less if he goes home any time soon. He does nothing for me.

Well, as soon as Rachel hears that Matt has volunteered himself she immediately assumes he's up to something. She says, "Who the fuck volunteers to go up on the block?" She second guesses herself and, for some reason, decides that putting up Andrew instead is the better idea because at some point in time Andrew may or may not have criticized her. Now, you and I both know that if Andrew goes up on the block, there's a really good chance he's going home which is why I AM LOVING this plan. All I care about at this point is keeping as many people in the house as possible who'll go after Brenchel and break them up. Monet is on that list of people and so, for this week, I'm her biggest cheerleader.

This brings us to BBAD. It started with a lovers quarrel. Bitch Boy accidentally told Andrew he was going on the block when Rachel distinctly told him to keep it a secret. I almost sympathize with Bitch Boy for a millisecond because for the previous hour Rachel had been nagging and whining and complaining about Bitch Boy not being her everything in life. In reality, Bitch Boy just wanted to work out and maybe catch a catnap. All this game stuff is annoying him. He thought games were supposed to be fun. Pretty princess Bitch Boy doesn't like that all Rachel wants to do is talk strategy. Like a snotty teenager he keeps sighing and asking Rachel if they're "done now". It's pretty gross. Both of them are assholes and both of them are wrong. Here's why:

Bitch Boy is in Big Brother. He should suck it up, realize it's not Camp Thunderbird or the Paradise Island Atlantis and develop some sort of game play instead of being all pissy that he can't do his jazzercise. On the other hand, Rachel needs to calm the fuck down, stop obesssing over every little thing, and , for chrissake, stop being such an obnoxious nag. Why Brendon puts up with her shit is beyond me. If any chick ever nagged me like that, I'd grab my keys, call her fat, and march my ass right out the door. Rachel is beyond incessant. She takes incessant to a new level that incessant itself has never even reached before... repeating herself over and over again about things that happened in the past and can't even be fixed now. She's just arguing to argue and it's driving me insane. Rachel is the worst person on the planet and, for this, she must die.

Bitch Boy actually manages to walk out of the room leaving Rachel alone with her big fat phony crocodile tears only to return 5 minutes later with his dick tucked up in his asshole like Buffalo Bill in Silence Of The Lambs. He's on his knees, apologizing, begging forgiveness, and even sniffling along with Rachel. They tell each other they have "forever" and I promptly stuck one of those shish kabob things into my temporal lobe. It doesn't hurt that much. I promise. The image on the screen hurts much more. Trust me. The numbness on the left side of my face is almost a relief at this point.

After they kiss and make up, Rachel starts getting into the red wine and then she starts to talk... and talk... and talk... and talk. She's in the BY surrounded by Kristen, Ragan, and I forget who else. It was a mummified corpse so it's not like it matters. Anyhow, Rachel is very concerned with "expect the unexpected". She's so concerned with it, in fact, that she's making sure she says it a million times. She also reminds her fellow HG's that they're on "re-a-li-ty television." I'm sure they were thankful for the reminder because it's not like the microphones and cameras everywhere were clues or anything.

So she's standing there with her feather boa, red wine dribbling out the corners of her mouth, her goblet clinging and clanging here and there, and she's stumbling around saying, "Like we're on re-a-li-ty tv right now. Expect the unexpected. Do you know how like blessed we are to be here? Like *burp* I never imagined myself here. Expect the unexpected.... do you even know what that means? It's like amazing. It's like reality tv. I mean, we are on television. If we don't expect the unexpected then like why are we here? That's what Big Brother is.... expect the unexpected. Like, we are in the Big Brother house. Oh my god.... expect the *belch* unexpected or else you're going home. They can watch us right now. People out there *pauses and points to the sky* are watching us right now. I don't think they expect the unexpected, but it's a good thing we do or else why are we here? Reality television is sooooo weird. We're like characters yet we're not. We're acting, but we're expecting the unexpected which is soooo much better than not expecting the unexpected. You know what I mean?"

*** Ummm hi, this is Colette Lala's personal assistant typing now. I regret to inform you that Colette has taken it upon herself to insert every shish kabob thing she could find into her head and now she looks like this:

I have to find a way to get her into the car and to the hospital without scratching the leather upholstery. She's mumbling something about bitches, giggles, and being sorry. I think she's saying, "Comment it out bitches and have a great day!"