Saturday, June 27, 2015

Bust A Cap In Her Ass

From ancient Egypt to the reign of Napoleon, the humble bee has been a symbol of immortality and resurrection. But for our purposes, here in the Big Brother house, the busy bee will be a symbol of, "Bitch, slow your roll!" Buzzing this way and that, fluttering near your ankles, humming in your ear, the simple bee can be a real pain in the ass. Making zig zaggy pathways upstairs to downstairs back upstairs then back down again, the so-called Queen Bee of the house is destroying her game and getting on every person's last nerve. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began simply enough. Vanessa rose from a pile of ash just long enough to creep into the kitchen in search of a napkin or a coffee filter to nibble on before going back to bed. But slowly and surely the house did arise. Jace disappeared somewhere in the backyard probably trying to smoke the artificial turf blunt he made while the rest of the house flitted this way and that preparing for the day.

In the Have-Not Room, we found Liz and Austin having a conversation about how they need to recruit more people into their alliance. I like this twosome. Austin is actually normal when Jace isn't around and Liz isn't a dumb giggly girly girl like Meg, Shelli or Becky. Watching them talk and plan about maybe pulling Clay into the fold was exciting. Vanessa was another name mentioned. Sure, she's a crumpled kleenex, but she's also a vote.  They were being strategic. They were increasing their numbers. I had hope.

Then, Day (Da'Vonne) walks in to pick up some clothes or something. Out of nowhere she says to Liz and Austin, "Audrey is working this entire house." And then just like that, poof! She was gone. At home, I scratched my head and thought to myself, "Wait, I thought Day and Audrey were in a super tight secret alliance. Why would Day say such a thing? Is she bluffing? Is this a poker trick?" But then I started to remember how Day has been saying similar things to some other people as well. There is never a preamble or an epilogue, it's always just, "Audrey be talking some shit in this house yo." So maybe they are not the mighty duo I thought they were???

After that there was some yoga in the Living Room and then eventually the feeds went down for the big POV competition. And in that grand Big Brother tradition of never updating a Challenge EVER, it was the spelling comp. Remember, Jackie and Steve are on the block and the plan was supposed to be to throw the comp for Jackie to win. But out of nowhere, like a shot of Ritalin, Steve blows the competition to shreds (seriously, people were floored how he killed it) and wins with the word TROMBONISTS. Trombonists! Great fucking word. Good on you, Steve!

When the feeds finally return we find Audrey acting all weird and questioning everyone, "Who said that? Why are people talking like that? I didn't say that. Who is responsible?!" I looked around my Living Room at no one in particular and muttered, "What the hell is she talking about?" I turned to Twitter and asked, "What the hell is she talking about?" No one had answers. Neither my coffee table nor my Twitter confidants. But Audrey sure was fired up about something.

If any of what follows sounds confusing, just roll with it, because it is confusing and I still have no idea what the hell was going on, but it lasted for like 27 hours so we've got to try to work our way through it.

OK so Audrey grabs Jeff and pulls him into the Lounge. Audrey heard through the grapevine that Jeff said she was being sketchy. Jeff fidgets and is all like, "I didn't say that! Let's get Clay. He'll prove it." Then Clay comes in and Audrey asks, "Am I sketchy? Who's saying I'm sketchy? I'm not sketchy. Sometimes I like to draw portraits but that doesn't make me sketchy." Jeff and Clay were all, "We didn't say that. Jace and Austin did. Yeah, that's it. It was them!"

Look, here's what you need to know before we go on, everyone has been saying that Audrey is working the entire house. Everyone. She acts like the Queen Bee HOH and strategizes every second she's awake. She's playing too hard, too fast and, mark my words, it will bite her in the ass sooner rather than later.

So then Audrey, armed with this new info about Jace and Austin, runs back up to the HOH and is all like, "They said so-and-so said I was sketchy and why would they say it? Who started it? Sketch, sketch, sketch, can't I get some damn pastels already?" The flibberty gibbets up in the HOH are basically pussies so they're like, "Austin is up to no good. It's his fault!"

Then the Queen Bee buzzes back down to confront Austin. Austin was all like, "What the hell are you talking about? I didn't say shit." Audrey demands, "Get Liz in here!" Then Liz enters, "I didn't say shit, but you know what? Day was saying some smack earlier." Audrey shakes violently, "Day? Day?! Get Day in here!" Then Day enters and says, "I don't know what they're talking about, boo." And as quick as she entered, she disappeared. Audrey is relieved.

And then it literally just kept going like that - in weird circles - where Audrey questioned people and no one knew - especially me - what the hell was up her ass. And let's remember the most important thing - they just had the POV. Steve won and will remove himself from the block. Wouldn't you think that Audrey would slow her roll, keep HOH James happy, and ensure that Jace goes up and out? With a vacant seat on the block, the last thing I'd do is scurry hither and thither causing drama, but scurry she did.

Ok so then Day goes up to the HOH with Jason. She says something to the effect of, "This BITCH! Audrey!" Ohhh really? Ok then, so now we know. Day is not tight with Audrey. She's just playing her. Then Jason says something about Steve maybe being the start of all this and Day goes OFF. She says, "That nig... ummm, I mean, man." Yikes. She smacks her hand over her mouth and silently curses herself. Look, I don't care if Day wants to drop the n-bomb. I'm not uptight like that. She's black. She can say whatever the hell she wants. Plus, it was pretty damn funny at the time. What else it told us is that when Day gets hot, back the fuck away or you just might end up with a cap in your ass.

Eventually, James and Audrey start to trickle into the HOH and Day is still sitting there stewing. At one point she turns to Jason and asks him if it was really bad what she almost said. Jason assures her that she's fine. The conversation then turns to Jace and how it was probably his idea to spread a rumor that Jason would be backdoored. James then assures everyone that Jace will be going up on the block and that's that.

The drama starts to simmer down a bit with Audrey basically going room to room solidifying alliances with everyone she can get face time with. The funny thing is that the one alliance she holds dear - the one with Day - is the one that is blowing up her game. Day is stirring that cauldron. She's the troublemaker here, but what's kind of great about it is that no one realizes it's her! And when confronted, she just shakes her head and walks away.

I've got to end this here today. Lots to do, lots to do. Not to mention the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight where we will try to explain in detail everything you need to know from the past 2 days. Lawdy, lawdy. This house is a madhouse y'all and it's AWESOME!

If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, now is the best time because when Jace goes up on the block... hide yo wife, hide yo kids!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Flip The Switch, Bitch!

Sometimes things turn on with the flick of a switch, with a drumroll, with a curtain slowly rising or even with the loud bang of a gun shot into the sky. Big Brother 17, however, began with a Douchebag. A bouncing insufferable Douchebag of epic proportions. He jingled, he jangled. He dressed and undressed. He griped and moaned. He massaged his own nipples with creepy tenderness. And wasn't it all just a little bit glorious? Let's recap, shall we?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jace. He is a giant tool and like I suggested on the Big Brother Gossip Show this week, he's a shot caller and a leader in his own warped sun baked mind.

The second the feeds went live, Jace tap danced onto our screens and forced everyone to sit in a circle before introducing themselves and giving "shout out's" to everything from parents, siblings, friends, the girls at Claire's (Becky), dogs, and websites. It was loud and awful and I really wanted Johnny Mac to stick needles full of novocaine inside every single one of Jace's orifices. Sadly, that did not happen. Speaking of sadly!

The mention of the outside world was much too much for Vanessa. After saying hello to everyone she cares about, she then spent the next 8 hours crying about how being away from her girlfriend is SO hard. Being in this house is SO hard. Having to lie to people is SO hard. Wait, hold up! Aren't you a poker player? Isn't lying what you do for a living? Yet one week in a house with 15 other people leveled Vanessa into a pile of crumbs and ash. The money on the line isn't worth it for her to be this sad. And THAT, right there, is why recruits are such a bad idea. They get to skip the pysch eval - I'm assuming this is true, because homegirl here needs a 5150 with a Haldol chaser - and they're thrown into something they really don't know all that much about. I expected moxie and sass from Vanessa. Instead I got snot and little puddles of make-up on the floor. 

So that's how the night started, but let's do some quick housekeeping so we all know where we stand. 

James and Jason both won their respective HOH's. James nominated Jackie and Steve with Jason nominating Becky and Johnny Mac. In the Battle Of The Block, that has yet to air, Becky and Johnny won thus removing themselves from the block. As it stands this morning, pre-POV, James is HOH and Jackie and Steve are on the block. BUT there appears to be a plan in place to backdoor Jace. 

The plan is legit enough that everyone playing in the POV is planning on throwing it for Jackie to win. Letting Steve win is too much of a gamble and these homies want to ensure that Jace goes up and then out the door. I'm not sure what Steve did, but I'm guessing that he has rubbed the house in the wrong way doing something awkward or putting his foot into his mouth. Vanessa at one point made mention that she didn't like how the house was treating him. And then her face melted off again and her lifeless skull stared vacantly into the camera for another 85 minutes.

I guess Jace is a pain in the ass. I mean, the guy is an arrogant over-the-top douchemaster of all the douche people, but that's not even the worst part! To my horror Jace and my precious Austin are bros of the douchiest degree. The have nicknames for people, they walk around shirtless. There's lots of mutterings of, "We got this, Bro." And apparently, they hate Jeff. I'm not sure why, but they find him sketchy as all get out - mainly because of his "Dad Bod." 

So basically I've lost my 2 favorites in the house - Austin and Vanessa - in one fell swoop. I'm not giving up yet though. Let's have a little faith. Maybe Jace will leave and Austin will become normal again. Perhaps Vanessa can scrape up what's left of her dignity and make another knitted chapeau with it. Who the hell knows.

It's always a little difficult on Day 1 to figure out where the alliances lie and who is going after whom, but I get the sense that Clay and Audrey are quite close. An unlikely pairing, but I think I like it. Audrey appears to always have her head in the game. She watches the others closely and studies their mannerisms - something I expected from Vanessa, not necessarily Audrey. And that whole transgender thing? Not the slightest bit of an issue at all. Audrey is just another female HG.

Speaking of the females, unfortunately Meg appears to be a part of Clay and Audrey's alliance. I say "unfortunately" because I can't stand her. None of them trust Becky and the consensus is that Becky and all of her price guns will be the next to go. Plus, Audrey thinks that Becky owns the store she works in since she won't shut up about it. The three worry that Becky or Liz will win the next HOH. From what I can gather, Liz is tight with Jace so she'll be none too happy if the lad is backdoored this week. 

A little later on though, we find out that Audrey is a true alpha with a secret alliance (the one we saw on TV) with Da'Vonne. The two sit and discuss how long they'll keep Clay and Shelli around before getting rid of them. They decide they'll dump Clay first since Shelli has no social game to speak of. Audrey doesn't even think Shelli is playing the game and will be easy to beat in the end, but Da'Vonne has had her eye on her and thinks Shelli has been talking to both Clay and Meg. And as far as Vanessa is concerned, Da'Vonne doesn't think she has any real alliances. Audrey nods and implies that Vanessa is a total floater. 

If we talk a bit about the guys, Jace is ticked off with Jason over something to do with the POV. I think Jason had "Houseguest's Choice" and didn't pick Jace so now Jace has a big bug up his ass. As far as Steve goes, he's creepy and shady and possibly wigging out over being on the block. No one is too concerned over him going home if the Jace plan doesn't pan out. 

Speaking of Jace, he seems to be getting a whiff that something is "off" within the house. He talks to Austin in the bathroom, "I am REALLY pissed off right now. Jason was never my idea." I'm not sure what that means, but Austin advises Jace to calm down and go solidify his alliance with James so he doesn't get put on the block after POV. Jace whines, "This game sucks so much." Austin replies, "Dude, I think you're good... You're good." Austin guesses that James would probably put Clay on the block if the POV gets used. The conversation then turns to Audrey. They both agree that Audrey is playing all sides of the house. Jace says, "She's so fucking catty!" 

I've been watching this conversation over and over again and I still can't figure out exactly what's going on. Earlier Austin was training Jason's glutes and from what I can gather, Jason said something to Austin about Jace? POV? I don't know. Jace got wind of what Jason said and now Jace is freaking out over this piece of knowledge Jason has. Jace suspects Audrey is responsible for spreading something while Austin suspects it could have been Jeff. If you know what this is all about, definitely leave a comment below because I'm completely lost. What I do know is that it's all sending Jace to crazy town and I like it!

Overall, we've got a strategic house with lots of lying and alliances already in place. As annoying as Jace is, I kind of hope he manages to save himself. Steve is bringing nothing to the table and the house would be no different without him. Who would you rather see go home? Can Audrey keep all of her plates in the air spinning? Will Vanessa ever get put back together again? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Monday, June 22, 2015

Vanessa: The L Word

GinaMarie, is that you? Nope. In fact this is 32 year old Professional Poker Player Vanessa Rousso from Las Vegas. She's wearing harem jeans, neon pink suspenders and a wiggedy whack hat. From the photo alone, I'm prepared to despise her.

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

You know what? I'm kinda liking Donatella. I can sense she has life experience unlike some of the other children cast on this season. I'm impressed with her to the point that I'll even forgive her that wiggedy whack hat. I also love the idea of a Professional Poker Player in the house... and now the obvious question is - Does Da'Vonne know her? How big is the poker world? I personally have no idea, but I definitely like the idea of the two of them teaming up. Both are strong women with maturity and definite opinions on life. None of that flighty itchy giggly unsure phoniness from these gals. I feel confident in assuming we'll gets lots of drama from Vanessa. But it'll be conniving manipulative drama. Ooohhh my favorite kind!

And better yet, homey here has a girlfriend. Fantastic! As a passionate fan of The L Word and all things Shane McCutcheon, I am predicting exciting and fabulous things from Vanessa. She's a tough broad and I dig it. I'm always looking for a lady to run the house and steal the title of the last HG standing. Could Vanessa be my girl? I sure hope so!

Kindly support this blog and click below to get those live feeds!

Steve: The Winner Of The Most Words Ever Spoken Is...

Next up is 22 year old College Student, Steve Moses. They're all so young this season, aren't they?

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

Shifty and uneasy, Steve talks fast, looks miserable, and wants this interview to be over with as soon as possible. He looks everywhere but the camera. At the wall, at the floor, at the couch, at the vent, longingly out the window wondering whether an escape is possible.

Steve seems perfectly nice and intelligent, but that doesn't really do much for me. I need personality and charisma. I need a medieval warrior looking guy with a swagger in his hips and a princess in a tower. Let's face it, do we see any bitch fights from this guy? Do we listen and think to ourselves, "Oh yeah, he'll run that house." No we do not which means he'll probably go super far in the game and bore me to tears.

And this next part I say out of concern, mom we might need to adjust his Ritalin dosage. The poor lad can't sit still! He speaks 2000 words every 10 seconds and looks like he wants to scratch the skin off his arms. This poor kid is going to drop over dead when his heart finally quits and explodes while he's racing to please Otev. I thought I had bad anxiety. Jesus, Steve makes me look like an embarrassment to angst.

Get those live feeds!

Shelli: Eggshell Colored Blah

Next up is 33 year old Interior Decorator Shelli Poole from Atlanta, GA.

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

It is a little known fact that when God created the universe, he yawned at one point and out came tumbling Clay and Shelli. When asked a question, any question, by the interviewer, Shelli stares off into space. She's not searching her head for intelligent life inside. She's just staring. At an eggshell colored wall - funnily enough the same color as her personality. Time ceases to exist until she next has to inhale. Then we get, "Oh wow. I'm kind of having a blank moment." KIND OF?!

When the interviewer is then forced to borrow some dental pliers from the stash found in the lining of John's Jockey shorts, Shelli confesses that she grew up happy, with a lovely family, and no tragedies scarred her for life or made her, you know, think or experience an existential crisis. She's an uncomplicated girl with seemingly charming upbringing. Good for her. Unfortunately it makes her as exciting as a pebble. A pebble you kick off into the brush.

Get those feeds, you freaks!

Meg: Dart Gun, Stat!

Next up is 25 year old Shouter Server Meg Maley from New York City.

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

WOW! SHE'S AN EXCITED LITTLE THING ISN'T SHE? If I could shoot an animal tranquilizer gun through the screen and get her to slowly tip over like an African elephant, I would. I don't trust overwhelming happiness like hers. It's unnatural and scary. I suggest an exorcism to wipe that stupid smile off her face and make her just as miserable as the rest of us. She'll be the one that giggles and shouts answers back to Julie during the live broadcasts.

You guys, this isn't normal! People who are that happy all the time have secrets to hide. Open Meg's closet and a pile of skeletons will come tumbling out. That one there is from that summer when she tried to drown her little brother because he stole her diary and posted it on the internet. That other one next to it is from when she microwaved the neighbor's cat in order to feel remorse. It didn't work. This chick only feels one thing and it's an unnatural and, quite frankly, scary enjoyment of life.

Not feeling this one at all.

Big Brother starts THIS WEEK!

Liz: Spaz Is The New Delightful

This here is Liz Nolan. She's a 23 year old Marketing Coordinator from Miami, Florida. It seems like it's been forever since we've seen a lady so let's check out what Liz has to offer, shall we?

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

Boobs. Boobs. Boobs. Right off the bat, boobs! Ask the bouncing bubbly Liz a question about herself and boi-oi-oi-oing, we're off to the races.

Head bob left! Head bob right! Laura Prepon voice activated. "I am Liz. 23 years old. Born and raised in Miami, Florida so I'm a Florida girl, hmm mmm hhmmm." What was that?! Besides awesome, because I've been replaying it all morning. "So I'm a Florida girl, hmm mmm hhmmm." You're a freak is what you are, young lady.

For Miss Liz, getting to Big Brother has been a series a happy coincidences. She graduated college so she's at a good time and place to abandon her life for 3 months. She also met Portia from BB13 on The Boat. What boat? The Boat from Cuba? The Love Boat? What the hell boat is she talking about?

"Hey, I'll meet you later at The Boat." 
"K. Cool. See you at The Boat. But first I'm gonna check out That Boat." 
"I went to That Boat once. It's a good time, but whatever you do, don't bother with Thee Boat. It's a total Ren Faire crowd."

I feel like the docks down in Florida are filled with lost confused people looking for boats and not being able to find them. Is that The Boat? No, that's Their Boat. What about This Boat?

Her voice is off putting and she nervously giggles at really weird moments, but I think I kind of dig her. I mean, she's totally acting like a freak, but she's confident, she carries herself well (boi-oi-oing), has absolutely no filter and she punctuates her statements with sassy neck slides and finger gestures.

Where I found Audrey to be annoying, I find Liz to be delightful. I think she's acting like a spaz out of nervousness whereas I think Audrey really raises the roof. And often! I'm going to go out on a limb for Liz. Bitch better not let me down.

Get 'em while they're hot!

Sunday, June 21, 2015

John: Certified Organic

Next up is 27 year old John McGuire from Pennsylvania. For some reason, the lad calls himself a "rockstar dentist." Let's discover why, shall we?

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

Itchy, fidgety and with a thin film of grime covering his skin, John is basically your run of the mill, live in a shed, sharpen knives in his spare time kind of a guy. Everything about him screams serial killer. He speaks in halting grunts and declarations. "I'VE... been watching... SINCE. SEASON EIGHT!" *itch, pick, scratch, sweat* When the interviewer asks Jeffrey Dahmer why he thinks he was chosen to be on Big Brother, JD rocks forward and backward before bursting into a fit of giggles, "I DON'T KNOW!!!!"

I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything, but, CBS, check the lining of John's clothes for contraband. Things like hypodermic needles, tourniquets, bunsen burners, nitrous tanks. Shit like that.

Quick question, raise your hand if you'd let this guy anywhere near your teeth. I don't see any hands raised. However, I do see a toothless child in the corner whimpering and mumbling, "Not the ball gag again." A former patient perhaps?

Yeah, this guy is FDIC, FDA, certified organic INSANE. Which makes me like him! The guy is a total nut job. He stares vacantly into the distance imagining his next victims while digging deeper into his own stratum granulosum and pulling out things like spare razor blades. You may call yourself a "superfan", John, but I call you a superfreak. I am beyond excited for your pending trial, conviction and appeal. The drama!

Get those feeds already. What the hell are you waiting for?

Jason: Step, Ball Change

This is Jason Roy and he is wearing skinny jeans. Jason is a 25 year old Supermarket Cashier from Massachusetts.

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

Life, this bounteous dish placed upon us, is a wondrous universe of smiles for Jason. You want to buy some yogurt, Q-tips, and lollipops. Well, come right this way! Lane 1 is open and life is a cabaret, old chum. So come to the cabaret. Young man, I forgot something. Which aisle carries the condiments? Aisle 3 to your right. While you scurry your frazzled self, purse hanging off your shoulder, worried you'll anger the shoppers in line behind you, Jason hums happily to himself. You have to understand the way I am, mein herr. Out of breath, but relieved, you return with a smile. Here we go. Sorry about that. *swipe, beep, swipe, beep* Jason glances down at the vinegar you've added to your bounty. You'll never turn the vinegar to jam, mein herr. Then he climbs atop the conveyer belt... step, ball change, step, ball change. So I do what I do. When I'm through, then I'm through. And I'm through. Tootle-oo! 

So yeah, Jason bags and checks groceries. Will he meet his Tad Hamilton? That I do not know. Will he win Big Brother? Perhaps. A self-described "people pleaser" Jason has worked in customer service for years. He knows how to be friendly and score high on customer satisfaction surveys. After all, money makes the world go around... on no, here he goes again, tap dancing with a roll of receipt paper... The world go around! The world go around! Money makes the world go around. It makes the world go 'round. A mark, a yen, a buck or a pound. A buck or a pound. A buck or a pound. 

Either I shall love and embrace Jason or he is going to drive me batshit crazy. Only time will tell.

Big Brother starts this week! Get those feeds!