McLean, Belle View, St. Elizabeth's, Big Brother. 4 of the most famous mental institutions in America. Depakote is baked into the muffins, Haldol is popped like tic tacs, and everyone gets a free Thorazine drip with an overnight stay. Some dress like super heroes, others chew their faces, and still others imagine a world full of rainbows, unicorns, and skittles. Welcome to Big Brother Season 11. Are we having fun yet?
There are very few things that I consider off limits in Big Brother: racial remarks, gay slurs, damage to personal property, physical violence, and attacks on HG's family members. Anything else is fair game. Lying is encouraged and morality is not welcome here. I'm saying this because my post today might REALLY piss some of you off. Sure I watch Big Brother for the game play, but I also watch it for the drama. I love it when people go crazy and turn shit upside down as long as it's in the parameters of my rules for what's acceptable and what's not. Chima's terrorist rant is clearly unacceptable. Casey's attack on Ronnie's wife (as well as Ronnie's attack on Casey's job) - unacceptable. I'm going to excuse Jen throwing bleach on Dick's cigarettes because, well because that shit was funny. Yell, scream, cry, throw insults, dye your hair, do whatever you need to do to entertain me. I welcome it all.
OK so Chima is gone and a magical cloud of acceptedness is perched over the Big Brother house. Ha! No, not really. The HG's seemed spent and exhausted wondering what will happen next. They didn't have to wait long for further instructions. There's going to be an immediate HOH competition. Michele's reign is officially over. 2 more people need to be nominated. This is a double eviction week after all. Well, this got everyone's panties in a twist over at Twitter Land and in the live feed chats. "It's not fair!" "Wahhh wahhh wahhh Michele should be allowed to play!" "Michele didn't get her full week!" Oh shove a sock in it. Michele got all her goodies, nominated 2 people, and the person she wanted to go home actually did. Her short reign as HOH could be viewed as successful because she got her desired outcome. NO, she should not be allowed to play in the next HOH comp. She should not be able to nominate 4 people in the span of 2 days. She's had her turn. Every year during double eviction week someone always gets shafted when it comes to HOH. They don't even get a letter or the big bed or any of the treats. They nominate and that's it. Michele got more than that and our new HOH will get more than that. It's completely fair that her stint as HOH has come to an end.
Personally, I think everyone in the chats was just freaked out that Natalie or Lydia might win. I even asked them if they'd be pissed off if, let's say, Natalie's HOH reign had been cut short instead of Michele's. Their answer was, "Hell no. That would be funny." Hello? McFly? Hypocradar going off loud and clear. It's unfair for Michele's reign to be cut short, but it would be fair if Natalie's were? I get that people hate the Ragamuffin. She's not one of my favorites either, but fair game play is fair game play and it infuriates me that people think some HG's deserve more privilege than others. I try to hate everyone equally. It makes the game so much more fun to watch. Trust me. Try it. Hate them all for a day and the game will look very different to you I swear.
In the end, all of the live feed chatters bitching was for naught. Jordan is our new HOH... or rather the new (Air)Head Of Household (thanks GeeWillakers!). I just naturally assumed the HOH comp was some sort of eating competition heavy on the cookie dough, but it turned out to be a miniature golf competition. Natalie won a phone call home (to be delivered on Tuesday). Jeff won a trip to Hawaii and Lydia won the infamous unitard. Afterwards Jordan wondered aloud if it was an endurance competition. *pause for jaws hitting floor* No precious, it wasn't an endurance competition it was a luxury HOH competition. Now go back to sleep princess because the marble in your head must be tired from all that thinking it did today. Anyhow, it must have been one hell of a competition because, from what I hear, Lydia flipped over a table. When the feeds finally came back she was drunk and throwing a fit. It was stunning. I weeped thick salty tears of joy watching the post HOH drama unfold. My little leprechaun tickled my no-no and I thanked him. My precious pony rolled around in fairy dust and my dancing singing mice stitched me up another fabulous gown. Dreams came true, flowers bloomed, and Papa Smurf baked me a cake.
The feeds returned to a fuming Lydia shuffling loudly about the house. She was definitely pissed off about something, but I had no idea what. Michele and Jordan were sitting at the kitchen counter bitching about how Lydia didn't have her unitard on. Since when has a unitard punishment been immediate? Sheila didn't get hers for a couple of hours during her season. Casey didn't get his banana suit immediately either. Jordan and Michele need to shut their fucking traps or the fit will hit the shan BIG TIME. Well, guess what? The fit did hit the shan and it was glorious. The clouds parted, the angels sang 'Dirty Diana' this time, Farrah Fawcett flashed her winning smile, and my pikachu was ready for action.
Michele, all awkard and worthless, screams for Lydia to put on her unitard. That was all it took. Lydia UNLEASHED on her. She screamed that Michele is a fake bisexual who's husband maybe loves her. She runs to the refrigerator and grabs Michele's beers (originally from her HOH fridge) and dumps them out in the sink. Then she dumps out a package of steaks in the garabage can and then goes back to dump out some sodas too.
Lydia, quickly getting back into my good graces again, screams out the most beautiful line ever uttered. She turns to Michele and says, “Bipolar psycho bitch get your straitjacket and your padded room!” AHAHA!! Poetry, if you ask me. I despise Michele. I really really do. She makes me so angry every time she opens her ass licking mouth. I don't even really know why I hate her so much, but I know I do and I know I'll side with anyone who attacks her. My loyalties will go anywhere that's Anti-Michele. I tried to quit Lydia yesterday, but I like her all over again today. I'm sure about 99% of you are furiously disagreeing with me right now, but I can't help it. I will always have a special place in my blackened shrivelled up heart for Lydia.
OK so Lydia is screaming that they all better evict her because if they don't, she'll start to fuck with their shit. Jeff intervenes and tries to get everyone to calm down, but Lydia just screams, "Fake blue contact wearing ugly motherfucking tranny bitch!" to Michele and I think I stood up and applauded, but I'm not sure. I was laughing too hard to remember exactly what my reaction was. Russell, wanting everyone to like him, tries to steps in and tells Lydia she's drunk and slurring. Lydia shouts, "Fluck you Russhhell! I'm not slerrrrring my worbs!". Dudes, she totally was. She slurred the shit out of that sentence and I was reminded of a night out with friends where I'd had one too many Blue Motorcycles and yelled at a bitch who looked at me the wrong way. She called me a drunk whore and I said, "Whhattt? I'mm noooot frisckinggg dlunk!" Yeah, good times.
Jeff, once again, tries to swoop in and save the day. You should have heard the menopausal chat hags. When Jeff speaks, they all break out into a simulatenous hot flash where lusting after a guy 30 years their junior seems perfectly acceptable. They kept saying he's so level headed and so nice and should they use marble or granite for Jeffy Pooh's altar? Blech. Jeff says he understands that Natalie and Lydia are mad that Jessie is gone. Natalie says her anger has nothing to do with Jessie. It's all about Michele. Michele is a crazy lying cunt who swore on her husband's life that she woudn't put Chima on the block. According to Michele, she tries to live by Christian family values and conducts herself accordingly. Really? There's a chapter on ass licking in the King James Bible? Nice! I don't remember being taught that in Catholic school. Hell, I'd rejoin the church again to read up on all things nipple clamps. Bringing up religion in Big Brother is NEVER a good idea. It'll always come back to bite you in the ass (something Michele totally digs by the way) and make you look like a hypocrite.
Jeff starts to get a little angry and says, "If you want to make shit uncomfortable, I’ll make fucking shit REAL uncomfortable. Shit’s going to get really motherfucking uncomfortable." Bravo Jeff. Nice to see you get angry once in a while. What took you so long? Apparently, Jeff's been biting his tongue all along over just how angry Lydia and Natalie (and Chima) make him. He asks Kevin why he doesn't do something about their behavior. Kevin says, “I’ve spent my entire stay in BB being a fucking therapist.” He's tried to get them to stop doing the childish things, but they just won't listen. They do their own thing no matter what Kevin says which is true actually. He did try to tell Chima that the terrorist bullshit wasn't right. You try telling Chima she's acting inappropriately and see how she reacts. I guarantee she just gives you a death stare and keeps on trucking.
All this time Michele is just standing there looking odd and fidgety. Is there a day this chick doesn't fidget because I have yet to see one? She's clutching her monkey and trying to cram cheetohs (the bag magically reappeared yesterday) up her ass. Natalie starts screaming at her saying that if she wins HOH, her ass is on the block. Michele stammers and stutters and says, "Well, I'll just take myself off again. My black dildo told me I'd be safe." Natalie screams that all of Michele's wins have been purely luck and in some way she's actually right. The 2 POV's Michele won really had nothing to do with her skill level at all. She only won those because others made mistakes. It's not like she outwitted anyone in that pig competition. That comp was purely a game of chance. Anyone could have picked a high number envelope. The Greek POV comp she won was all about others making mistakes. I'll give her the HOH comp. Yeah, she won that fair and square and she did last a long time in the endurance comp (but only cuz she liked the rope orgasms), but the POV comps don't make me want to go comparing her to Janelle or anything. There was ZERO SKILL involved in those POV comps. Michele isn't as great as people give her credit for being. She's a mess of awkardness who's happiest licking a brown eye.
Natalie then brings up the Green Room incident again and this is where I have to give her a little respect. Ragamuffin is a fucking GREAT liar. She truly believes that the Green Room incident happened. That might be the best lie ever told so far this season. That one little lie completely turned the game upside down and put a wedge in everybody's relationship. I kind of have to respect it. She points her finger at Michele snarling and drooling about the Green Room and she's so damn convincing even I start to believe it. I was like, "Yeah Michele, why did you lie in the green room? Huh?" I sent out a tweet at this point saying I believe it happened after all and I got all these replies where others said they've been questioning their own sanity as well. LOL. Bravo Natalie. Nicely done. You make the viewing public question what they know to be true. Not everyone can pull that off. Natalie goes on to say that if they had the chance to replay an incident for the entire house, it would be the Green Room incident. That way everyone can see what a liar Michele is. She did it again! Ragamuffin just made me think, "Yeah that'll shut Michele up! Let's prove her wrong!" LOL
Thanks to the best clip girl in the world, Shea, you can witness all the mayhem for yourselves. Please to enjoy:
Afterwards Jordan simply thinks Santa Claus is coming to the house any day now so she just sits and plays with her hair. She's mad Lydia called her a ho and, apparently, she called her fat too during the HOH competition. That's not very nice Lydia. You can only call people fat behind their backs, like me, NOT to their faces. Jordan then completely surprises me and bursts the last bit of energy juice that lived in her precious brain marble. She says she wants Natalie to go home this week, not Lydia. Natalie is the bigger threat and sending her to the Jury House to be alone with Jessie will flip Lydia's lid. Wow Jordan. I'm impressed. What a deliciously evil plan. Kudos to you. She also thinks Russell cannot be trusted and I'm inclined to agree. If she wanted to make a big move this week, she'd send Russell packing ASAP. That would be the most strategic, intelligent move she can move, but this is Jordan we're talking about here so expect Natalie to go home if she remains on the block after POV.
Ragamuffin and Lydia continued to taunt Michele all night telling her the DR probably has her straitjacket ready for her. LOL I'm sorry... no I'm not, but that shit is funny to me. Michele is clearly off her rocker and I'm not the only who thinks that. That entire house, even Jeff and Jordan, has called her crazy at some point. I'm just loving the fact that they're all doing it to her face now rather than behind her back like before.
To calm herself down, Lydia dyes her hair bright fuschia. I think it was part of some deal she made in the DR. I'm now convinced that a complete pushover (or an inept intern) is running the BB Gift Mart and just throws out beauty products whenever a female complains. So she got her dye and she's got her unitard/superhero costume and I've got to say, she looks awesome. Only Lydia, with her particular brand of crazy, can make that unitard costume work. Can you imagine if Chima had to wear it? At least Lydia is making it entertaining. I'm sure all of you are sneering right now thinking her pink hair looks stupid, but in actuality Lydia is just a typical rock chick. Pink hair doesn't shock me like it might some of you out on Middle America. In any big city, girls like Lydia are a dime a dozen. I even had a hot pink streak in my hair at one point. It was in my punk phase in college. I wore a lot of leather and hooked up with a lot of Doc Marten wearing freaks. Maybe one day I'll grow out of that phase.... ;P
This may make you all want to boycott my blog forever, but I actually like the new duo that is Ragamuffin and Crazy Train. They make me laugh and they hate Michele. That's good enough for me at this point. They're so fucking evil and relentless that I'm finding it charming in a weird way. Now before you start hurling your garden gnomes at me, let me just make clear that I do not want either of them to win. I just find them amusing. That's all. If everyone in the house got along and appreciated each others's space, do you have any idea how boring this show would be? I'm all about the drama. That's no secret. These 2 freaks of nature are bringing me drama now and I can only welcome it with open arms.
Back over in Boring Town where puppies and cotton candy grow out of cement, Jeff and Jordan are discussing Jeff's big Hawaiian trip. Jordan wants to go with him, but she won't put out. Jordan! Girl, come on! Don't you know how many women over 60 want to hump the living daylights out of Jeff? Jeff gets a little peeved too wondering why Jordan won't give him some punani if he takes her to Hawaii. All the chat mavens excused Jordan as being a "Good Girl", but I prefer to call her a "Cock Tease". A good looking guy like Jeff who totally digs a pretty (albeit moronic) girl like Jordan wants to take her on a romantic getaway to Hawaii and she has no plans whatsoever of letting him slip her the hot beef injection? This makes no sense to me! It's clear they like each other. We all know Jeff wants to get some nookie. I'm fine with Jordan not giving it to him in the house. I can see how that could embarrass her, but she's gonna push Jeff away if she doesn't give him some sign of encouragment and soon. Jeff said whoever he takes to Hawaii is getting banged so Jordan better think fast or another girl will be replacing her right quick.
Everyone was just kind of sitting around waiting for Jordan to get her HOH and Natalie tells Kevin that she has no intention of making a plea to Jordan to stay off the block, but she'll go up and see her HOH room with everyone else. Kevin proceeds to make this face which totally made me laugh:
Jordan gets her HOH and... we miss it. Whoever is the "special" person running the feeds lately keeps fucking it all up. The sound went out while Jordan read her letter and we even got fish last night during Showtime. From what I can gather with my super special magic powers Jordan's mom was mad Jordan cursed on TV and I think her aunt or another relative wants to give her a spankin'. Yes, someone wrote to this 22 (23?) year old girl that they wanted to spank her when she came out. Jordan assumes it's because of the sex talk she led one night. Remember way back when, when Jordan was drunk and got everyone into a detailed sex convo? That was when we first learned how freaky Michele was. Jordan had no problem talking all things sex back then I wonder why she's so uptight with Jeff.
Thankfully, my clip girl came through for me again and I've now got an HOH room reveal clip. Please to enjoy:
Anyhow, Jordan got vats of ice cream, tubs of cookie dough, a fountain of Mountain Dew, White Castle hamburgers, some special lemon shampoo for blonde hair and some Crest White Strips. She was over the moon over those whitening strips. We all know about her dream to become a dental hygienist. She cried when she read her letter and Jeff got a little freaked out. He didn't expect her to cry and he started to get a little uneasy. Something weird is going on between these two and I can't put my finger on it. Jeff yells at Jordan a lot easier now and Jordan is never scared anymore to tell Jeff just how much she won't hook up with him. I think it's all the sexual tension they've worked up. It needs to be resolved or they'll both start hating each other before you know it. For the sake of harmony in the house, Jordan needs to give it up and let Jeff get some happy time. I'm just saying...
Jordan then delighted us all with a story. *rolls eyes* She wove a tale so silly and pretty that I pooped out a couple of rainbows just listening to it. Jordan and her friend were out at the beach having a grand old time getting drunk. They had to pee so they went to a beach house to drop trou. Instead of finding a toilet, they "popped squats". Jordan's friend, super elegant I'm sure, farted while she peed and Jordan began to laugh. Well, her fit of laughter was so intense that she fell back into a pile a prickers or something. She stands up to discover a bunch of prickers stuck in her ass. Her friend, so terribly thoughtful, leans over with her face in Jordan's ass and begins to pull out the prickers one by one. Had anyone walked in on these two lovelies they would have found the 2 southern belles with their pants down and ones face in the other's ass. Bravo Jordan. Thank you for sharing. Can I tell my brain cells to get back to work now? I feel dumber just having retold that little yarn.
Back down in Crazy Town, Natalie has now turned her wrath on Michele. She used to be after Russell and Jeff, but no more! She wants Michele's ass outta the house. I am an ardent supporter of Natalie in this mission. I will do cheerleader kicks repeatedly in Natalie's honor. Kevin knows Natalie is the target of the week so he pitches that they go to Jeff and Jordan and try to make a final four deal. Good thinking Kevin. Always work the angles. Never give up. Natalie then gives Kevin a lesson in lying. Finally, we hear some of her wisdom. She tells him that once you tell a lie, you never ever ever tell the truth ever again. You are forever a slave to that lie. This brings us to what Natalie refers to as the "Great Lie". Tell us Master Natalie. Teach us how to lie the Great Lie.
The Great Lie is this: Lydia is going to start screaming that she heard Russell and Michele talking about how they want Jeff and Jordan gone next week. Ohhhh I like it. I like it long time. Natalie says Lydia needs to say she heard Michele herself lying and to keep going after Michele with this information. Michele can't handle confrontation and can't defend herself to save her life so it'll be easy to make Michele look guilty. I. Love. This. Plan. I know the majority of you hate all things Lydia and Natalie, but you have to admit one thing. These psycho bitches are playing the game. They may not be playing how you'd like them to and they may represent the deepest pits of hell, but Natalie, especially, NEVER GIVES UP. This girl will go to her grave fighting. If there's one thing I hate in Big Brother it's when someone throws in the towel and completely gives up.
This plan isn't full proof by any means. One of them could very easily still end up going home this week, BUT it sets them up pretty nicely for next week. The seed of doubt will have already been planted in Jeff and Jordan's heads and they could turn their ire on Russell next week instead of another member of Crazy Town. Natalie has set it up so Lydia will be doing most of the work (kind of clever on her part) and they all agree that they will stick to the Great Lie no matter what. This lie will grow legs and have a long fruiful life much like the Green Room Lie. Natalie has a gift my friends. Repugnant she might be, but she indeed has a gift.
Up in the HOH, Jordan wonders if she should take a bath naked. Yes Jordan, do it. My pervy male readers (I'm looking at you HoodedWarrior and Grimace) will pay admission to see that. Jordan also talks about Lydia getting funky with Jessie. She tells Russell the whole scoop because spilling secrets is what Jordan does best. God, she's an idiot. That was Jeff's big piece of leverage and now Jordan has told it to everyone. I don't care how much you guys try to convince me she really is smart... NO SHE IS NOT SMART. SHE IS A MORON! She's lovely and cute and sweet.... yes, I get that. I just can't for the life of me figure out what the hell she's doing in Big Brother.
Anyhow Jordan, full of goodness and light, shares her HOH with Michele. I'm not going to lie, this new bond Jordan has with Michele is really rubbing me the wrong way. It's making me dislike Jordan more and more. Oh and here's a little nugget that should ruin all of the Jeff/Jordan fans day... Jordan tells Michele she likes Jeff, but ONLY AS A FRIEND. Oh dear... mass suicides today. I can feel it. No one go out and walk next to a tall bulding. Jeff and Jordan fans will be hurling themselves off of any high points in your city all day long. Just hide in your homes and pray for this day to end. It's your safest bet.
Yesterday my little rinky dink blog surpassed 40,000 hits. Wow! I'm truly stunned. When I first started I was getting 3 hits a day (2 of which were probably mine). Thank you everyone for spreading the word and for coming back each and every day. It's nice to see that people appreciate rude foul mouthed nonsense and ridiculous storytelling. :)
Super special shout out to MissJavagirl! I saw what you said about my blog over at the Baby Center and it was lovely. Thank you so much!
P.S. This is Alison Grodner's official statement regrading Chima's eviction according to examiner.com:
