Amber: Thumping Bore

As the great Angelina Jolie once said in her landmark role as Maleficent, "Well, well..." Here we are again meeting 16 shiny new faces. I repeat, 16 NEW FACES. You are ordered to dunk your tits in glitter repeatedly for that one, bitches. Thankfully, the rumor of an opposing team of craggly old weather-beaten veterans in bifocals returning to the house appears to be a ruse and aren't we all just a little bit happy about that? I don't know about you, but I'm resplendent. Alright kiddies, enough chitchat. Let's get this show on the road!

The first victim up is 26 yr. old Esthetician/Model Amber Borzotra from Knoxsville, TN. However, she lives in North Hollywood which tells us that she is a recruit. What also tells us that she is a recruit is the fact that she is not all that familiar with Big Brother, but she's just dying to get her hands on those competitions! When asked what quality she'll bring to the house that separates her from others, Amber replies, "Just a positive, you know, bubbly..." and then I nodded off and hit my head on the glass table. Ouch Amber, ouch! Not nice.

(Photo via Big Brother Network)

In addition to being bubbly and effervescent, Amber intends to steer clear of the cattiness that sometimes runs amok in the Big Brother house because she doesn't like confrontation. She'd rather sit and talk it out. Oh Amber. Oh silly pretty Amber. *sharpens blade* In addition to holding Feeling Circles and crafting a Talking Stick out of some of that charred wood in the Fire Bedroom, Amber also plans on throwing competitions so the rest of the house doesn't see her as threat. *stabs self in the temple... twice* No, no, no. Bzzz! Gank! Zrrrp! Throwing competitions is a sin around these parts, Amber, and for that (and the fact that you're a thumping bore), I don't think I care for you at all.

Amber has some more cockamamie ideas about teaming up with women and having a small alliance, but, quite frankly, this girl has no idea what she's getting herself into. I don't expect much of anything from Amber in the way of drama and/or strategy. I'm sure she's a very lovely girl in the real world, but in the world of Big Brother, she's one of those Houseguest's you forget the second they're evicted.

So, what do we think of Amber? Are those fake contacts she's wearing? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Special thanks to Matt at the Big Brother Network for supplying the cast interviews from whence I steal my screencaps. Thanks Matt!

Big Brother House Revealed!

Glamour seems to have once again eluded the Big Brother interior decorators. Just once I'd love a Kelly Wearstler feast for the eyes or some Martyn Lawrence-Bullard decadence. Instead they give us a DIY looking we-used-a-lot-of-mod-podge grotesque nod to nature and the four elements. *sigh* Oh well. Let's get down to business...

First up we have the Fire Bedroom which is nothing more than a primary color assault on the eyes. Cheap carpet tiles coupled with bedspreads worthy of a Spencer's Gifts and silly charred wood on the wall isn't winning Production Designer Scott Storey his own show on HGTV anytime soon. It is neither spooky nor warm. How Storey managed to make fire appear so cold and frigid is a mystery to me.

Next up is the Earth Bedroom. All I have to say is, "What in the sam hell is this mess?!" Earth?! What earth? Inner earth? The earth with lots of plywood? When I think of Earth I don't think of a cave. I think of rich auburns and greens, textures, plant life. Storey apparently thinks of spelunking.

Next we have the Hive, where HG's will gather, gossip and backstab. Unfortunately for them, they'll be doing it in the most uncomfortable room known to man. Gone are the fluffy pillows and cushioned seating. In their place are plywood boxes and carpet as cushions.

And here we have the bathroom which might be the most tolerable room in the house with its aqua and white color palette. However, that floor is hideous. Did they have a sale on carpet tiles last month? At least the pervs will be happy to note that the see-through showers are back. All the better for catching a nip slip. Don't drop the soap, Houseguests!

Next we have the Hallway which is really freaking ugly. Moving on...

This year's Kitchen features a hydroponic garden on the wall that grows various lettuces and herbs. In other words, the ants will get a tasty treat. Most noticeable here is the Memory Wall which now features 2, count 'em TWO, LCD screens. Ooooh ahhh what could that mean? I think it means we've got competing teams. Is it a Fans v. Favorites season? Is it Blood v. Water? Will the screens feature two HOH's? Are they getting Tyra Mail this year? I don't know! But it sure does give you the tingles, doesn't it?

This view of the Kitchen is icky for a lack of a better word. The counter space is all but nonexistent and the island seems awkwardly placed.

Upstairs outside of the HOH room, we find the Treehouse. While the idea may be cute, the house is completely devoid of comfort. The picnic tables and benches provide yet more hard surfaces to sit on. I mean, come on! Give the poor HG's a bloody comfy chair or something!

The Living Room/Couches provide the only semi-comfortable seating I can find, but it's in that awful Jonathan Adler-esque mid century modern that's so hot right now. Personally, I don't get the appeal of it. It reminds me of the Brady house, but, hey, at least it's cushioned!

And there you have it. Noticeably absent is the HOH Room. Will there be TWO rooms? Are they still building it? Is Tyra staying in the house? I don't know! Stay tuned...


And I'll see you back here tomorrow for my scathing first impressions of all the new knuckleheads.

All photos courtesy of CBS and "borrowed" from The Hollywood Reporter.