It's Official. I'm Going To Hell - Part 2

(If you're arriving here late today, this post is Part 2. Please begin at the previous post.)

Part Two:

Russell and Kevin sitting outside chit chatting about Chima. Russell tells Kevin that, unlike Chima, he doesn't mind if his friends chat with the enemy. He won't hold anything against Kevin for chatting with her. Russell is essentially doing some damage control. He assures Kevin that he's never talked about him or Lydia (not exactly true) behind their back. Russell then turns to Kevin and asks, "Since I'm leaving Kevin, tell me why you hate me so much." When Russell kisses ass, my fairy godmother refuses to turn my vegetables into fabulous trinkets. It doesn't suit his character and makes him look weak. He was a bit of a bully the first few weeks in the house. He can't expect that his treament of Ronnie and Lydia wouldn't eventually come back and bite him in the ass. The wine he's drinking isn't doing him any favors either. He's loose lipped and ass kissy and my face crinkles up like I'm sniffing a skunk devouring a very large tuna fish. It's just yucky. He talks about how he loves women and he has sisters blah blah blah. Why do men always bring up the fact that they have female relatives as proof that they respect women? It makes zero sense. Everyone came out of a vagina, but there are a lot of misogynists in the world and I do think that Russell is an off and on member of that club.

Whenever Russell feels threatened, his first instinct to attack a woman. Have you ever noticed that? He can't stand it when a woman makes him look bad or pulls a fast one on him. He's yelled at Chima (not sure she really counts), Lydia, and Michele so far. There's nothing I hate more than a big bully of a man belittling a woman. It gives me anxiety and I immediately wonder how many women have cheated on them in their lives. I'm 100% sure that someone really did a number on Russell in his past. He's only in his early 20's so I'm thinking it wasn't very long ago either.

Why are all my recaps so fucking serious lately? We need a tension breaker. Here you go everyone... Michele in Tree Pose. Laugh away:

Debbie had introduced Michele to all things Tantra and Yoga. Together they explored the forbidden world of delayed gratification and controlled breathing. One night they went to a Moroccan restaurant to watch the belly dancers. They sipped exotic cocktails and allowed the magical dumbek to guide their innermost urges. The primal incessant drums made Michele reach under the table and caress Debbie's knee. Debbie smiled and guided Michele's hand to her forest of delights. In the middle of that Moroccan club while a full figured gal named Starina hypnotized the crowd with hips doing figure 8's every which way, Debbie taught Michele how to put her fingers to good use. The dumbek rattled off faster and faster, Starina's hips popping up and down like crazy, Debbie's legs squirming under the table, Michele staring at her wide eyed and crazy wondering what would happen next...




From that moment on, whenever Michele felt overwrought by the demons in her head, she'd separate herself from the crowd and meditate calmly in her favorite yoga pose remembering all the exotic things she and Debbie did together.











While Michele was transporting herself back into Debbie's arms, Chima was up in the HOH bitching about everything she possibly can. She complains about her bed, the bath, the bubbles, etc. Shut up bitch. I'm so sick of you.




In another part of the house, Lydia is waking from a nap and in that annoying baby talk voice of hers she's telling Jessie he looked cute wearing some jeans. I just stabbed myself in the eye with a letter opener. Blood is dripping all down my face and all over my keyboard. I couldn't help it. I had to. Jessie farts on Lydia and the world once again makes sense.



Outside Russell is now drunk and annoying. He tells Jeff that Chima thinks he has the Wizard Power. Jeff denies it but tells Russell he needs to talk to him after the POV ceremony. What could Jeff posssibly have to tell Russell? He promises something big will go down and I'm half happy and half scared. I'm happy because it's looking like Jeff will use the veto. I'm scared because if Jeff isn't careful, he'll ruin everything with his big mouth.



I'm wondering if Jeff will finally tell his big secret. No, not the Wizard secret. The secret about Lydia and Jessie have multiple sexy times. He's said that he plans on telling Natalie sometime this week that Jessie and Lydia have been hooking up. You see, Natalie doesn't know that Lydia has sucked on Jessie's teeny weeny winky. Maybe, just maybe, Jeff is preparing to put Jessie on the block and in telling Natalie about his late night sexual dalliances he's preparing her to vote Jessie out when the time arises. If this is Jeff's plan, I heartily applaud it. Nothing would bring me more joy than to see a jealous Ragamuffin go into a rabid rage snarling and growling at everyone. She'll perch herself on her haunches and drool long dangly strands of spit. She'll grab her crotch and kick up dirt flaring her nostrils at both Jessie and Lydia. You know that scene in To Kill A Mockingbird where Atticus Finch shoots the rabid dog "up the road a piece". Well, that dog is Natalie and Atticus is Jeff.







Russell is all of a sudden happy and now he thinks Jeff is his new best friend. He's tipsy and calling Chima a bigot to Jordan. Jordan says, and I shit you not, "What's a bigot?" Uh oh... there it goes. I just stabbed my other eye with the letter opener. I'm now typing on faith alone. All my vision is lost.



She looks so innocent, but she's really an evil idiot out to make me hurt myself:




The night continues with Russell drunk and running his mouth. He tells Jeff and Jordan that he thinks Michele and Jeff will be final 2. If it comes down to the 2 of them, "she will not have my vote for one fucking second." He wants Chima out of the house immediately after him, "she's the most disgusting person ever." Jeff tells him that would mean that Chima and Russell would be alone in the Jury House. Jeff asks him how he'll survive. Russell, finding it difficult to form words in his mouth with that pesky tongue of his getting in the way, says, "I'll go to the fucking beach and just swim!" OK Russell. You do that.

Jeff said, "If you stay, we now run this shit." Is that foreshadowing? Please plesase please make that be a prohecy.

Russ and Jordan start talking about how they think Michele has the Wizard Power and Jeff keeps saying, "Let's just wait and see..." SHUT UP JEFF!!!

I'll end this post on something that will delight and tingle all of your no-no's. Later in the BY Natalie is saying that if she didn't have a boyfriend she'd date Jessie. Ewww. No, that's not the part that's supposed to delight you. Ragamuffin turns to Jeff and says, "Why don't you marry Jordan?" Jeff proposes. Jordan says yes. It's celebration time. OK Jeff and Jordan fans, let out your collective "Awwwwwwwww" and let's get it over with.

OK it's official. I just shoved the letter opener up my nostril scaring the bejesus out of the Mormons who just rang my bell. I'm totally not kidding. 2 creepy Mormons just asked me if they could come in and talk to me about Jesus. I told them no. They then asked me for a drink of water. It's like 100 degrees here today. I told them no and that they should go bother another neighbor. Does that make me evil? I'm going to hell, aren't I?

America's Next Top Racist - Part 1

(I wanted to use America's Next Top Terrorist as my title, but my buddy Simon over at the wonderful onlinebigbrother.com already snagged it - damn you! *shakes fist in the air* ;-))

Just when you thought things (i.e. Chima) couldn't get any uglier, bitch manages to top herself tenfold. You know when you get out of the shower and your hair is giving you the best day ever or you try on your skinny jeans and your butt is looking kapow! Maybe you finally pen that little ditty you've been working or the significant other you've had your eye on calls and rocks your world. Everything just falls into place. Everything just seems right. It's like manna from heaven for the undernourished. I feel all sorts of joy when Chima, the self proclaimed poster girl for the "equality for everyone" party, implicates herself over and over and over as an ignorant racist. The things she says are vile, repugnant, and very very very ugly and they all succeed in making her vile, repugnant, and very very very ugly. My hypocradar (for those of you who are new - this is the elaborate dolphin like sonar radar system thingie implanted in my brain to spot a hypocrite at thousands of miles away) loves Chima. My human side loathes her.

The day began with some trash talking. Russell has been calling Chima a Chia Pet and, I'm quite positive, bitch has been called that on the outside a time or two. Chima joked around about doing America's Next Top Model or something because this season in the "short" season (you have to be 5'7" or under - yes, Tyra's lost her ever loving mind) and Chima is a very short girl. Bitch is also 34. Look honey, your modeling days are WAY past you. Oh and you're not the least bit pretty so just continue to dream of Tyra if you can dream underneath that dead animal that sits upon your head and get over yourself. YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE! So yeah, the tension was thick and the weather pattern, moon phase, and planetary alignment were all ripe for a showdown.

The Haves were getting ready to go see The Goods and all hell breaks loose. Russell is goading Chima making fun of her for wanting to be on America's Next Top Model. Chima strikes back saying, "And you should have been on America's Next Top Terrorist!" *pause for jaws hitting the floor* Oh no she di'in't! Oh yes she did! It was ON bitches! Chima starts calling Russell a terrorist to HIS FACE! Now she's put a new twist on it though. The very astute tweeter Cfahooligan informed me that Kevin had told Chima that maybe she shouldn't call Russell a terrorist anymore. Chima said she'll just spin it and say he's been terrorizing the house instead. She has essentially PREPLANNED a way for her to spout her racial remarks without implicating herself as a racist. Unbelievable. I really hate this bitch. I don't care how emotional her rape story was or how much CBS wants me to like her (What the hell was up with that show last night choosing to show her rape story now - WEEKS after she told it? It's a good thing they didn't show that prior to the Wizard Power vote. Major fail CBS.). I HATE HER and want her gone as soon as possible. Oh the plans I have for you Chima...

(I love this screenshot of the fight)

Russell is trying to get a word in edgwise, but Chima has taken to putting her hands over her ears and screaming "lalalalalalalalalalalala..." like a petulant child. Bitch can dish it, but she can't take it. Before we get FoTH, Russell manages to get in, "I'm glad America saw it. The true racist ladies and gentlemen.". And see it we did. Twitterers were PISSED. Chatters were PISSED. My no-no went numb. Does Chima seriously think she can get away with calling someone a terrorist on TV with no reprecussions at all? Bitch is fucking dumb if she thinks we prefer her over Russell. Jordan, brainiac extraordinaire, spent from tucking in her shirt, looks around herself wide-eyed and asks" Why is he mad?"Jordan go back to your cloudy puffy shiny land of nothingness and just never speak again. For those of you who missed it and want to witness all the hate for yourself, here it is:

(Thank you Shea!)

Dear Chima, You are a racist. Burn in hell, Lala.

After that they actually manage to go watch The Goods without killing each other. I wonder how thick the tension was in that room. Anyhow, Lydia is retelling the whole fight to Kevin (he was sleeping) and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I actually think she's taking Chima's side. Damn you Lydia! I have to put a major strike against you now. Lydia tells Kevin that Russell had said he only has 5 days left in the house and he's determined to play them out as "the villian". He said, "Everybody loves a villain". Kevin muses that if Russ dares to say anything about Chima in his speech on Thursday that CBS better have the fish (FoTH) ready. Can I just say (again) that Thursday's show is going to be the BEST EVER IN BB HISTORY?!?

(Special note for BB fans in Boston or Philly: You may not be able to see the live show on CBS on Thursday. Football might preempt your viewing. Fly to another state or visit this site online to witness all the madness: watch.videobrother.com)

Lydia changes topics and tells Kevin, "Don't be mad at me, but I snuggled with Jessie" Lydia you don't have to worry about Kevin being mad at you... you have to worry about ME being mad at you! Why are you letting this Manbeast fuck with you? Lydia is one of those girls I can see staying in abusive relationship and blaming herself for it. It makes me very sad and disappointed to see women let men walk all over them.

At about this time on the feeds, The Pivert tweeted about his BB appearance. Here's what he said: @jeremypiven: My completely surreal experience has been documented and will be on tonight at 8pm on CBS

Lydia tries to retell the terrorist fight to Kevin and we get fish. CBS will continue to give use fish whenever the word terrorist comes up. Chima crossed the line and now live feeders everywhere have to suffer. Anyone mad about getting fish all the time, blame Chima! It's her fault. She took things to an ugly racial place and now live feeders are getting punished.

The movie lets out and all seems peaceful. Everyone really seemed to enjoy it and said it was very funny with lots of great comedic bits. Will Farrell has a couple of cameos and Chima gave it 2 thumbs up. The happiness is short lived though because Chima just can't fight her instinct to make everything ugly. She says that Jeremy Piven in the movie was exactly the same as the Jeremy Piven they met. She says, "Maybe he doesn't know how to act." Way to kill everything light and funny Chima. Way to go. I'm Jameeka clapping in your face right now. The others chime in on all things Piven. Lydia wants to date him and Jeff says how in the DR he keeps calling him "JP" like they're best buddies or something. Thank you Jeff. Thank you for bringing the comedy back.

Meanwhile Jordan is inside with Ragamuffin and Manbeast. She's telling them a story about being bullied in school by some evil Seniors when she was a Sophomore. My IQ drops when Jordan speaks. Her southern drawl gets thicker and clouds begin to roll into my fragile egg shelled mind (totally stole that from Jim Morrison). The story she tells sounds like a Lifetime movie and had something to do with fat girls, her sister, bullying, getting drunk, getting retribution, being kicked out of some establishment and a bunch of other crap that just made no sense. Women in the chats actually said, "Isn't she delightful? I could listen to her all day." Ummm no she is not delightful. She's an idiot. Sure, she's very cute and very funny, but she's about as bright as a lightbulb smashed into a million pieces. It scares me. It really scares me that someone as stupid as she is matriculates in society. I'm putting this out there right now. I do not want Jordan to win this season of Big Brother. Being dumb should not be rewarded. She can hang in for awhile, but, by no means, do I want her stupidity to be awarded with cash. Now that I've said that she'll probably win. It happens every year.

Out in the BY, Chima is foaming at the mouth drinking her Riesling. She started drinking during the movie and hasn't stopped. When Chima drinks, my pet monkey throws his shit at me. She's mumbling something about how Russell was offended she called him a "motherfucker". When Chima says motherfucker in that shrill voice of hers, I claw my face off like that dude did in POLTERGEIST. Chunks of flesh fall into the bathroom sink and maggots begin to crawl all over my chicken. It's just what happens. Life is so unfair. Chima says, "He just twists my words. I give up. Why do I even bother arguing with him?" Well, princess, you keep arguing with him because you're in love with him and you're pissed off he wants nothing to do with your stank ass. That's why, you miserable cunt rag. Chima says that if Julie asks her about terrorist comments on Thursday that she'll reply with "Semantics baby." Kevin assures her that CBS won't touch the terrorist thing with a 10 foot pole.

The conversation goes further downhill when Lydia eggs Chima on saying that Russell apparently said yesterday that Lydia looked like she should "be in Baghdad" because she was wearing Kevin's head scarf thing. Russell also insulted India (even though no one Indian is in the house) saying that the culture is stupid, but the girls dress pretty. Now I have no idea if Russell said these things. He probably did. It's too random to make up. Yes, it makes me angry he said that and he should be held accountable. Do you guys remember those awful redheads on the last season of Amazing Race? The ones who complained in every new country they went to and delighted in belittling and insulting their cab drivers? I HATED them. They physically made me ill. When people think their culture is superior to someone else's I begin to strangle my pet leprechaun. He gets very angry with me and starts shouting Celtic curses while kicking his tiny feet against my abdomen. It's not a pretty sight. For the sake of Mr. O'Shaunessy, everyone everywhere needs to stop the intolerance. It's ugly! And if you are an intolerant prick then you should never leave your rathole of a home and visit another country. Just lock yourself in your basement, sit underneath your Confederate flag, and jack off to porn all day. That's all you're good for.

Chima then gave everyone watching a good laugh by saying that America proabably hates Russell. She says, "Maybe they don't like me, but they hate Russell more." I'll pause so everyone can finish their fit of hysterics... Chima defends herself by comparing herself to Kathy Griffin. Oh you better back the fuck up bitch. You are NO Kathy Griffin. (If she ever visits your town, I highly recommend seeing her live) Chima says that Kathy Griffin became famous by making fun of people and that people will see Chima the same way. Put down the crack pipe Chima. Place it gently on the table and just walk away. She concludes her inane diatribe with, "Come on America, you know he's a terrorist." And... cue the fish!

Bitch is relentless and exhausting. She continues to talk smack and manages to shock everyone yet again. Chima says, "I've been beat up in my life. This man can't do that. He can hit me if he wants to. I can spit on him. The world knows my story now. If he hits me, the producers will be forced to kick him out." And we get fish. I know. I know dear readers. I'm very aware of the fact that Chima is now using her brutal attack as some sort of leverage. She thinks it gives her justification. I'm officially disgusted now. You'd think after someone attacks you and almost kills you that you'd loathe any and all violence. You'd do your damndest to advocate that violence never enters your life again. Now I've never been attacked by a serial killer so maybe I'm just ignorant, but is anyone else floored that Chima wants Russell to hit her?

For the next several hours, Chima just doesn't stop. She continues to gloat in her HOH with anyone who will listen. At this point, I'm literally ecstatic for Jeff to use that Wizard Power and make Chima look more like a fool than before. I repeat, if Jeff doesn't use that Wizard Power, he's dead to me. I will hate him forever.

(ooops another tweetdeck update snuck in there somehow)

Chima and Natalie are sitting in the HOH bed together causing squirrels to hurl themselves off of the highest limbs. They've demanded that Jessie make them dinner and when he delivers it, they bitch that it's cold and that there's no salt and pepper. Jessie is unamused. They make him take their meals back downstairs to reheat. Natalie says, "I knew it would be cold." Oh just die bitches. Seriously, turn to dust right now and disappear forever.

OK guys. I'm doing a 2 parter today. There's a lot to discuss and I still haven't even gotten to the late night stuff. I'm starting Part 2 right now and will tweet when it's ready.