Dr. Jeffyl and Mr. Hyde

Yawn... stretch... roll over. Soooooooo what can we talk about today? Ummm Ted Kennedy died. Nah. I may live outside the nation's capital, but I only enjoy politics during an election. It's the cutthroat nastiness that warms my blackened heart. What else, what else? That guy who sang on that X Factor show was pretty good right? I loathe all things American Idol after the auditions are over, but that X Factor show looked half way decent. I think we're all gonna get Swine Flu and die this winter, so like yeah, that's something to look forward to. What else can I talk about? I'm actually in a little bit of a hurry this morning so I guess I'm forced to discuss those 6 uber bores residing in Studio City. One of which is quickly becoming a rotund little trailer park resident.

Seriously, this is my little game everyday. Can I catch Jordan stuffing her face with food today? Ok ok so I realize it's not a challenging game or anything, but, hey, I'm always a winner! And being a winner makes me feel good. My ego gets bigger, I tend to tire out Mr. O'Shaughnessy quicker, and I buy myself pretty things as a reward. Just yesterday I purchased a lovely 9 foot long black leather whip. I'm not sure what I'll use it for yet. I was going to ask Mr. O'Shaugnessy his advice but he's apparently preoccupied with something and I can't seem to find him. He better be baking me my morning muffins in that little tree house of his. I don't see any smoke coming out of his chimney. If one of you bitches stole him again, I'm hunting you down. Get your own damn leprechaun. Do you have any idea how hard it is to tame a drunken leprechaun with a thick Irish brogue? I've broken horses quicker than him. His little tiny fists are lethal weapons. It was a bitch getting that halter top on him.

Oh my god what the hell am I talking about? Ughhh. The house is boring again and I have to reach far in to the recesses of my mind to entertain myself. The Big Brother day began with Porky and Ass Licker sitting in the hot tub. Can you imagine the DNA swirling around that tub at this point? Someone get some Lysol up in this bitch. So anyways, Porky Roley Poley Tubmeister is holding a knife to Ass Licker's chewed up face saying she better not vote to evict Natalie. Ass Licker kicks and splashes trying to kiss Porky Hot Cross Buns and swears on her rectum that she'll vote to keep the Ragamuffin. Porky Po Boy smacks her and holds her head under water for good measure. Ass Licker emerges gasping and choking and confesses to crying in the Splish Splash room after the POV ceremony.

She's telling the truth. Did you see the final shot in last night's show? Pure magic! I jumped up and danced to a Afro-Cuban number seeing the sweet salty tears of success (MY success) rolling down Michele's smug face. Oh so ok here's something I want to touch on... who gave Jeffy Pooh magical shoes for the POV comp yesterday? Seriously, how unfair was that competition? How is it that Jeff was able to run up his slide each and every time without slipping even once? Even at the end when he slid down just for fun he had to use another slide because his wasn't slippery enough. I'm usually not one of those conspiracy theory bitches, but last night's competition really had me questioning things.

I'm glad CBS had the balls to at least show a little teeny tiny bit of the megalomaniac that Jeff has become. What was up with him during the POV ceremony telling Kevin, "You may speak." ?Yeah well you may suck my left titty Jeff. I hate you. He was such a dick. I'm happy to report that almost all of the chat hags have turned on Jeff and Jordan at this point. Remember these are the women who want to adopt Jordan and molest Jeff so it's a pretty big deal that the bloom is off the rose. No, not one of them has apologized for ever doubting me and I have yet to see a statue erected to my greatness, but I'm sure it's coming any day now.

One very saucy chatter up there in Canadia has managed to put down his bacon and syrup long enough to utter a beautiful magical phrase that tickled my no-no. The one and only Grimace now calls Jeff, Dr. Jeffyl and Mr. Hyde. LOL That's so good, right? Needless to say all we got yesterday was Dr. Jeffyl. Jeffy Pooh is still harping on and on about that Russ fight and how much better he is than Russ.

Dr. Jeffyl pulls Jordan aside and asks, "What's the deal with Kevin?" Jordan assures him that Kevin will vote to evict Russell. She tells him how Russell approached Kevin for a deal and how Kevin immediately filled Jordan in. Apparently, Russell actually told Kevin that Jordan throws around the word, “gay” as in "This tv show is gay.". Jeff is shocked! He says, “What a fucking loser! Who goes around bashing someones character?” Well, if I can recall correctly Dr. Jeffyl, you do! Jordan says she doesn’t even say that word anymore. She says “stupid” instead. Jeff then gets mad that Kevin is even listening to Russ at all. He wonders why Kevin doesn’t tell him to get the fuck away. Jeff is on a major power trip and has a god complex. Everyone must obey his demands or they're in trouble. Earlier he told Michele to yell at Russell and tell him to shut the fuck up. Basically, he wants everyone else to yell at Russ and look like a moron just like Jeff did. Jeff won’t let it go and he goes on attacking Russ for calling Kevin a "fucking homo" during the chicken/egg game. Apparently, Russ said, “Leave it to the fucking homo to win a no talent contest.” Wow. I didn't hear that because the feeds don't pop back up until days after a comp ends, but if he did say that then Russell can rot in hell.

Dr. Jeffyl continues to throw F bombs around for 5 minutes straight and Jordan is basically egging him on getting him all excited. Bitch is a total instigator. For some reason, she really enjoys the all big and powerful he-man asshole Jeff. It makes her feel protected or some shit like that. Jeff is OBSESSED with all things Russell and I'm thinking, at this point, that he's secretly in love with him. He says, "He's such a loser. He makes me sick to my stomach. He makes me nuts." Nuts for nuts is what I'm thinking. Let's get some homoeroticism up in this bitch already! In the end, Jeff just looks twice as angry as Russ ever did. When Russ gets pissed, he shouts and screams for a good half hour and then that's it. He leaves it alone and doesn't explode again until someone attacks him. Jeff, on the other hand, is at war with EVERYTHING. He smacked the coffee maker around I think and showed that toaster who was boss. His bar of soap now knows better than to slip out of his hands anymore. That poor little bar of Ivory Soap is lying in teeny tiny pieces at the bottom of the drain as we speak. Jeff's not playing around. You piss him off and he will DESTROY you.

Jeff declares he'll need ear plugs to listen to Russell's speech on Thursday, "It'll be so ridiculous!" Jordan warns Jeff that Russ may bash them on Thursday and that they'll just have to sit there and take it. You see that? She's getting Jeff all riled up again. He snaps, "I know Jordan!"

Later Ragamuffin is sitting outside with Kevin and Michele. She begins to question Kevin and it's all very weird and confusing. In front of Michele, she asks him, “What have you done for me in this game?" She tells him that she’d put Kevin on the block if she won HOH. Kevin is just sitting there silent essentially refusing to answer her. At this point, some people in the chats begin to think Nat is up to something for show. Ass Licker tries to contribute to the conversation and points out to Kevin that Natalie isn’t really making a good case for them to keep her this week. She laughs awkwardly and scrapes her frozen Muscle Milk treat for like 30 minutes straight. Oh my god I hurled some priceless crystal acrosss the room every time she scraped that damn spoon down her giant plastic cup. It was incessant. Once I hear a noise that drives me crazy, I focus on it and it's all I can hear. Bitch kept this shit up FOREVER. I came so close to punching my laptop screen. I'm not kidding. It was like nails on a chalkboard.

Ass Licker continues to test my sanity and Ragamuffin says to her, "If I win HOH, I’m putting you up.” Michele tells her the same thing back. I'm totally lost and confused at this point wondering what Natalie is really up to. Dr. Jeffyl comes outside and Nat tells him what she just told Michele. She says, "At least I’m honest." That sentence must have been laced with copious amounts of PCP because as soon as Michele gets up to leave, Ragamuffin retells her plan to put Michele on the block to Jeff and Jeff immediately launches into an "I hate Michele" campaign. If you're confused right now, join the club. Let's try to walk through this together. Natalie told Michele she'd put her on the block if she won HOH. Michele told Natalie she'd do the same to her. Natalie told Jeff what she told Michele and what Michele's response was. Jeff, in turn, explodes and assumes Michele started the whole conversation and was trying to fuck with Natalie. Jeff says, "I hope those votes come out 2-1 then she can go cry in the corner all week... what a sneaky bitch!" Jeff somehow comes to the conclusion that Michele is trying to look good to Natalie by telling her she'll vote to keep her when Jeff says she already HAS to vote and keep her anyways because those were his orders. I have NO idea how Jeff got that from Natalie's statement, but I'm not going to press the issue. He's now super pissed at Michele and I couldn't be more pleased

I'm still totally lost, but all I can do is stand up and applaud the Ragamuffin. She's like a mystical magical evil genius. A new fairytale creature is going to have to be invented for her. It'll be called The Ragamuffin (of course) and it's power will be to hypnotize innocent people into believing the opposite of what their instincts are telling them to believe. All she has to do is look you in the eye and you're under her spell. You'll be walking down the street thinking, "I have to go to the store and pick up some milk." The Ragamuffin will appear out of nowhere and come up to you. She'll look you in the eye and then scurry away. You'll continue to walk to the store, only now you'll be thinking, "I have to pick up some calf's liver and decapitate the phramacist." She's evil. Stay away from her. If you ever see a Ragamuffin lurking in your neck of the woods, just run.

Then we arrive at my favorite part of the day. Ass Licker and Two Ton Tuna Roll are sitting in the BY and, out of nowhere, Ass Licker says, "When I do crunches I queef!" Wha... wha... what?!? Where the hell did that come from? She launches into a story about how when she was growing up and had to do sit-ups in gym class, she'd queef all the time. Sure, an army of pretty pink fairies fluttered around me and Care Bears came to life and knitted me a shawl, but I was still sitting here with my jaw on the floor. Ass Licker goes on to say, "I was not a cool kid. Let's just leave it at that." Uh duh. You're still not a cool kid. You're a fucking freak who scares me more and more every goddamn day! Michele then wonders what the men of the house think of her and then she says she's not a good liar. In the words of Fabulicious, "Ohhhhh Emmmm Geeee." This bitch is so random.

Jordan is just sitting there staring at Michele trying to catch flies or something. She then tells Michele that she likes to put her face in Jeff's armpit and smell it. Pause. Ummm. Alrighty then. I'm speechless at this point. Jordan says, "I don't know why I do it. It makes him laugh." Ummm maybe you're a trailer park freak who has some fucked up back woods habits? I don't know. Just a guess. Jordan announces really loud, "I really want to try queefing tonight!" Jeff shoots up and says, "WHAT?!" and then just laughs. At this point I've chopped off all my toes with a pair of wire cutters. They're all in a pile right now on my deep shag carpeting. My blood and the blood red nail polish are indecipherable. It's a shame really. I had such adorable toes and that carpet was crazy expensive.

Meanwhile Russell is all by his lonesome in the Splish Splash room rereading his letter from home over and over again. He's looking for inspiration or secret messages or something. Natalie is in the other room filling Kevin in on Jeff blowing up about Michele outside. Kevin is kind of confused and can just say, "Oh so that's what you were doing."

Natalie really wants the votes to evict Russell to be 2-1. She wants to pin the hinky vote on Michele and make Michele a target next week. The only thing is, how does she pull it off? She talks with Kevin while playing pool about how she had initially thought to just make Kevin vote to keep Russell, but then decided against it. Michele is too fucking bat shit crazy to try to predict what she'll do and if Kevin votes to evict Natalie, Natalie could very well end up going home. Kevin had wanted to plan to tell Michele that he'd vote to evict Russell to ensure that she'd vote the same way. Then he'd actually vote to evict Natalie and blame Michele afterwards. Natalie liked his idea but they both decide is way too risky because Michele is a loose cannon. I must say I LOVE how these two think. They've seen a weakness in Michele and now they're going to expoit it as much as possible. This is exactly how I love to see the game being played. Innovative psychological warfare is always entertaining.

Even the chat hags began to marvel at how Natalie and Kevin were thinking. One thing every single one of you must admit, no matter how much you hate the Ragamuffin, is that she's most definitely playing this game. She's playing more than anyone else and she's creative about it to boot.

Natalie and Kevin continue to scheme and Natalie says, "Jeff is the obstacle between you and I winning." Kevin agrees and says he will have no hesitation putting Jeff on the block if he wins HOH. Oh please Kevin... PLEASE win HOH next week. It will ignite so much drama and I promise I'll wear a scarf in your honor every single day.

The sneaky duo then plan Operation Throw The Bitches Off. They're going to start hiding things from around the house to confuse everyone if a memory competition is in the very near future. *claps and giggles* Shit like this gets me so excited. They're so evil. I LOVE it! The duo actually woke up this morning as planned and began to hide things, but BB was a major buzzkill and made them put it all back. Dammit! BB ruins everything! I'll bet if Jeff and Jordan had hidden things they wouldn't have stopped it. I wouldn't be surprised if later today they tell Jeff in the DR how to hide things and throw off Natalie and Kevin.

The night ended with Jordan having the nerve to pick on Michele for confusing a nectarine with a tangerine. Seriously Jordan? The girl who throws a fit over whether or not a nectarine is really a peach has the balls to attack someone else for calling it a tangerine? I hate Jordan now. I really do. She's useless. She's only good for cleaning up spilled cookie dough. We could make Jordan robots with a vacuum powered mouth. She'd double as a sex toy and a vacuum cleaner. I'll bet I could make millions.

I'm thinking today is going to be pretty boring as well. Hopefully, Michele will have something asinine to say and I can make fun of it tomorrow.

Super special shout out to JoCaPa! I meant to do this last week, but my notes got all confused. Too much opium smoking with Mr. O'Shaugnessy. JoCaPa, those little rugrats of yours can sit and wait until I'm done posting. Just shove them in the cellar the next time they bitch about wanting to go to the pool. You've got priorities and the Bitchy Big Brother Blog is at the top of your list, right? ;)

Oh and yes, ladies over at the BBC/BCC/whatever that baby making place is called, I have spies everywhere so bump that thread up already and start working your magic. The more you talk, the more Mr. O'Shaugnessy gets excited and you haven't lived until you've seen a leprechaun do naughty things to himself. Happy procreating ladies!

Big Brother: The Musical

There is nothing quite as lovely as a naked leprechaun skipping through a dewy meadow. His little hairy chest glistening in the sunshine, tiny round buttocks clenching with every stride, and a smile on his face so peaceful... why, it brings a tear to one's eye. How did we get to this place? How did we arrive at a happy naked leprechaun? We got here through popped pustules, little boy fights, and lots of counting. Let's recap the magic, shall we?

The day in the BB house began simply enough. There was pre POV ceremony jitters with Natalie whispering to Kevin about how if Michele wins HOH next week, then one of them will surely go home. They briefly muse over the power that is the Great Lie (known in some circles as the Last Minute Lie or the LML). The LML was only meant to save one of them last week. It's turned out to be filled with pixie dust and if you know anything about pixies, they're the gift that keeps on giving. The LML saved them last week, it looks like it could save them this week, and it could very well go on to save these bitches next week too. Some of you say, "Well Lala it wasn't a lie at all, it was true!" Maybe my little munchkins, but Natalie and Kevin didn't know it was true when they fabricated it so they still get major lying/manipulation points with me.

Meanwhile back at the trailer park, Jordan is popping one of Jeff's zits. Ummm ewww. Now I've had many lovers in my life and I've never ever ever popped one of their zits. I want to falsely think my significant others have zero bodily functions (other than the ones that matter), never expel waste, and never in a million years need me to extract bacteria from their pores. I'm sorry, but that's a deal breaker.

After this horrifying pimple popping session, Jordan is outside telling Michele and Jordan a lovely tale about how once her ear was crusty and gross and she didn't know why. I'm warning you now, put down your muffins, your bagels, your egg mcmuffins... this story is going to make you hurl. So anyhow, Jordan had a crusty ear and she assumed it was a pimple that she couldn't reach. One day after shaving her legs in front of her trailer with a garden hose, Jordan decided to dig in with a Q-tip (probably one she's used over and over again). She pops said pimple and a giant pool of puss and blood begins to gather in her ear. Well, pretty precious pony Jordan was shocked by all the goo. She assumed her one little pimple had turned into a minefield of pimples and they all exploded at once. I'll pause for you to clean up your vomit.

Keep in mind she just told this magical bedtime story to Michele and Jeff. Michele crawls into a corner and shoves a swimming pool raft up her rectum and sucks her thumb while Jeff simply says, "I don't think I can be friends with you anymore." Jordan says, "Come on!" Jeff replies, "I don't get pimples." Jordan says, "Yes you do. I just popped one!" OK not only am I thoroughly disgusted at this point, but a lightbulb has turned on in this big powerful brain of mine. No girl in her right mind would ever tell a man she's interested in such a story. That's a story you shouldn't tell anyone, but if you did decide to tell it you'd share it with friends as something to laugh over. Never in a million years would a girl tell that story to a man she wants to get busy with. From this day forth Jordan will always be seen as puss ears to Jeff and this makes me think that maybe, just maybe, she's totally using Jeff after all. This theory has been pitched to me before and I never really put any thought into it, but now I'm convinced that Jordan views Jeff as nothing more than a friend. She's a complete and total cock tease leading him on with zero intention of sealing the deal.

Jordan's cock teasing is really beginning to get to Jeff. I've mentioned he's backed up before but after the events of today I'm convinced that if he doesn't give himself a little self love, he'll kill someone in the very near future.

Michele has witnessed how Jordan has totally disgusted Jeff is and she sees it as her way in. Ass Licker conveniently changes the topic to Jeff's hot bod. She fondles her girly bits and tells him how tan he is. She actually calls him "bronzed". Jeff looks at her like she's a freak and says he's not wearing a shirt because he "doesn't want to pit it out". Excuse me... need to vomit. Ok so seriously, what the hell is the deal with these HG's and their pit issues? Michele's are stinky and stain her shirts, Jordan keeps sniffing hers, and Jeff fears for his wardrobe because of his. I realize I'm a lovely magical fairy of purity, but seriously I shave, put on deodorant, and go about my business. I never smell, I've NEVER stained a shirt, and I have no fear of my clothes. Are the HG's just really dirty or are they not using the right deodorant? I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on in that filthy house? Oh and how many times did I say "seriously" in that paragraph? I could write for Grey's Anatomy.

Michele continues her dance with awkwardness by telling a story about a dead praying mantis. Russell has now joined story hour and chimes in with his tale of putting a bug in a ziploc baggie to taunt Chima with. Apparently, BB pulled Russ into the DR and reprimanded him for torturing insects. They told him that PETA would be all over CBS' ass if he kept on catching bugs so they advised him to knock it off. Jordan says, "Wait, why don't they want you to catch bugs?" Jeff, sensing the hour long explanation of PETA that's likely to follow such a question, replies, "Don't worry about it Jordan. It's fine." Jordan smiles and crams a brick of cream cheese in her mouth.

This brings us to the big POV competition. Real life had the nerve to interfere with my day yesterday and I raced home as fast as I could knowing the post POV antics would be epic. It turns out everyone and their grandmother decided to be fuckwits out on the road and they prevented me from making it home on time. Fear not, dear readers, that Flashback thingie is a godsend and I was able to capture all the magic word for word.

Jeff, thought it was about time to tickle my no-no, and he has taken Kevin off the block and put Russell up in his place. A giant rainbow shot across the sky, Starbursts fell out, Mr. O'Shaugnessy crawled under my desk, and I put on my Vegas headdress. The Scarfed One is safe!

What ensued afterwards can best be described as a Clash Of The Tools. Jeff and Russ are sitting outside - Jeff perched on top of the mini fridge and Russ ensconced on the BY couch. It's eerily silent. Testosterone is brimming up to a boil under the surface and you can see steam start to leak out of both their ears. Jeff turns to Russ and asks him if he wants to talk about it. Russ tells him to go for it. Jeff says, "You gotta know it was a smart move on my play." That's verbatim. It doesn't make any sense, but that's what he said. Russell asks Jeff if he remembers swearing on his family that the Final 4 wouldn't turn on each other. Jeff tells him that yes, indeedy, he remembers, but Russell went behind his back and made a Final 2 with Michele which, in effect, makes the aforementioned Final 4 null and void. Jeffy Pooh, no it doesn't. Whatever Russ wants to do after your Final 4 deal is his perogative. He could have had a Final 2 with you, but that wouldn't change the fact that the Final 4 deal was set to be Jeff, Jordan, Russ, and Michele. Jeff is wrong in his logic but it ends up in a happy place so I'll let him run with it.

OK now here is where the magic happens. Russ says, "If you don’t fucking win this game you better hope you don’t come to the jury house cuz I will mop your face all up and down that ground and I fucking mean it.” Jeff replies, “Honestly, I will lose $500,000 and bust you in the fucking mouth if you ever talk to me like that again.” *giggles* So good, right? It's on bitches!

The dialogue is simply poetry and since I was able to pause this little gift from heaven I took the liberty of transcribing it...

Jeff continues, “I will come to your house and fucking stab you in the fucking neck so you better fucking bring the pain.”
Russ says, “That is a fucking threat right now. You better fucking win cuz I will feel sorry for you if you walk into that house. Right now, in front of everyone and that’s a fucking threat!”
Jeff, “You better get somebody out here before I cut this motherfucker’s throat just so you know.”
Russ, “I’d like to fucking see it. Don’t pull out a fucking gun unless you’re gonna use it”
Jeff, “Yeah I fucking use my gun! Make a fucking move. I’ll cut your motherfucking throat! Are you fucking crazy? You don’t fucking know me you fucking pussy!””
Jeff continues, “Go ahead big mouth. Go ahead big mouth. You don’t know me on the streets. You think you’re a fucking fighter? I will knock you the fuck out dude!”
Jeff, “You think I’m scared of you and your fake fucking fights. I’m not fucking scared of you!”
Russ, “You better fucking win when you make threats like that.”

I know. I know. We all need a cigarette and a snifter of Brandy after reading something so gorgeous. It's morning and I'm already lighting candles and turning on the Kenny G.. When 2 insecure meatheads (and yes, I'm counting Jeff as one at this point) tickle each others no-no's like they just did, I need to create atmosphere. I've draped myself in velvet, blacked out the sun, ordered Mr. O'Shaugnessy to paint my toes, and whipped out my opium pipe. I want my toes blood red Mr. O'Shaugnessy. The blood represents... well, it represents the blood Jeff wanted to spill by puncturing Russell's jugular. It's a pretty straightforward use of imagery.

For the record, no way Jeff would win in a fight against Russell. Russell would fight dirty. He'd yank balls and give wedgies and shit like that. Even though Jeff apparently has a lengthy fighting life on "the streets" (probably straight out of West Side Story), I just don't see him kicking Russell's ass. Sure, Russell hasn't won a pro fight, but he's got that out of control temper that is ALWAYS begging to get out. Jeff, on the other hand, needs to be completely sexually frustrated in order for his anger to show it's face. Russell has ferocity on his side. My money is on him.

Jordan, standing on the elliptical high on Mentos and cake batter, jumps in saying Russ is just mad because Jeff made a good move. Oh butt out chunky monkey. Russell apparently was feeling my vibe because he calls her a lapdog and Jordan says, “Don’t say stuff about when he comes to the jury house. You’re not gonna do shit!” Russ turns to Jeff and says, “Wow. She’s gotta fight your battles. Wow that’s cute.” Jordan continues, “You’re just pissed cuz you’re gone! You’re pissed cuz Jeff got you before you got him!” Russ asks Jeff, "Does Jordan wear the pants in the relationship?" Jeff says, "Yes, don’t insult my manhood. " LMAO. Don't insult my manhood? As much as I want Russ on the block and gone, Jeff is such a mega tool in this whole fight that it makes it hard to root for him. Is he really that insecure about his manhood? The best thing he can think of saying throughout this whole thing is that he's going to stab Russ in the neck? Really, Jeff? Really? Jeff Pooh, come here because I want to tell you something. You are no less of a meathead than Russell. You are not above him. You are not below him. You are just fucking like him and it kills you that America has now seen it for themselves. For a guy who made fun of Russ for making threats throughout his entire stay, you sure did manage to outdo him in a matter of minutes. You're a tool Jeff. You're nothing but a tool who had a few good one liners here and there.

You're not convinced yet that I'm right, are you? Well. allow me to continue.

Jeff, “Why are you so mad cuz you got got bro?”
Russ, “I’m not mad. I said it was a good move.”
Jeff, “Don’t fucking threaten me cuz I’m gonna never back down I’m telling you that right now.”
Russ says he’s not mad. It was a good move. Just don’t ever fucking threaten him or his family. He says again he'll wipe the floor with Jeff in the jury house.
Jeff, “I don’t believe you’re a fucking fighter. I think you get your fucking ass kicked.”
Jeff, “I’ll be in your fucking dojo next week you fucking dork!”

Jeff then says that all his threats to Russell's family were a joke. I realize they were a joke. By no means do I think Jeff is a potential serial killer (although the boy does have some serious issues lurking around inside of him). I don't think Jeff is that stupid to say something like that and actually mean it. My question is, why even say it in the first place? It's not like it was particularly funny. Someone in the chats said that it's his sense of humor, a "Chicago thing" where threatening violence is a joke. I know Chicago very well. Most of my family lives there. My dad has a house there. I'm not personally aware of this "Chicago thing", but Jeff should know better than to make threats like that on a live feed even if they're joke. I think if anyone but Jeff had made those remarks, that person would have been severely reprimanded by BB. That guy in Season 2 got kicked out for playing around with a knife. He wasn't going to really use it. He just took a joke too far. I don't see any difference in Jeff telling Russ he'll stab someone in his throat and kill his family. Don't get me wrong I LOVED every minute of the fight and wished someone threatened sodomy or something, but my Hypocradar was beeping and you guys know I can never ignore it.

Jordan. hungry for food when none is around, tries to jump in. Russ tells her, “I don’t need a sidekick." Jordan replies, “I’m not a sidekick” Uh yes you are precious. Now go lick a jar of mayonnaise and leave me alone.

Russ tells him he was never going after him until final 4, but now that he threatened his family he’s gonna be waiting for him in the jury house and BB will have to have people there waiting. Jeff is now getting pissed that Russ keeps bringing up the family thing. He wants him to drop it and move on. I know exactly why Jeff wants him to drop it. It's because Jeff realizes it was a bad joke that makes him looks stupid. It's finally hit him and now he really wishes it would all just go away and disappear.

This brings me to my favorite little bit of dialogue. I can liken it to William Blake, Lord Byron... no, Tennyson maybe. I don't know, but it rivals someone really good.

Jeff says, “You got to lay in bed and face facts that you got got.”
Russ responds, “You got me just don’t ever threaten my family again."
Jeff, “You better come through with your fucking promise or you’re going to look like a yo-yo… you’re going to look like a yo-yo when I knock you the fuck out.” Yo-yo? Who breaks out a word like "yo-yo" in a heated fight?
Jeff continues, “Get real with yourself. I’m not fucking scared of you.”
Jeff, “I will fucking stab you in the neck and not give a fuck.”
Russ, grabbing his balls, says, “Looking at you.. this is going to be fun.”
Jeff mocks him for grabbing his balls, calls him a huge nerd yet claims to refuse to attack his character.
Jeff, “You do you bro and I’ll do me cuz I’ll go a lot further in life than you.”
Jeff, “I know I’m going places!”

Ok Ok... stop! *bursts into a fit of giggles* "I know I'm going places" AHAHAHAHA! This is West Side Story! All this needs is some trumpets and a saucy Latin dance number. Someone get Andrew Lloyd Webber on the phone. He needs to pen a new song called, "I know I'm going places". As a Musical Theater brat (for my 12th birthday I partied with the cast of Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center) I know I'm right on the money about "I know I'm going places" being a hit song. It could be Susan Boyle's next hit. It was about time she dumped that Fontine song anyways. Where are my gays at? You guys know I'm totally right, don't you?

Ok. Resume fight...
Russ informs Jeff that he actually has a career.
Jeff then says the phrase that pays, “You got got, you got got, you got got, you got got.”

Ok so here I'm picturing something out of STOMP!. Maybe they use trash can lids and bang them together after someone sings, "You got got!". It'll go like this, "You got got!" Clang! Swanky Cuban backbeat. "You got got!" Clang! Pas de bourree, jazz hands, pirouette. "You got got!" Clang! Fade to black. Curtain drops.

From this point on in the fight, anytime Russ says anything Jeff just says “Fuck you”. It's all very mature and dignified.
Jeff, “Make another comment, fuck you."
Jeff, “You will never be better than me. Your character is shit. Your friends? You have none. You have no character…”

Yadda yadda, yadda. I thought Jeff said he wasn't going to attack Russell's character? So much for that huh?

It was very funny and very stupid and now you can watch it all for yourselves. Please to enjoy:

Afterwards, Jordan delights in retelling the fight to whoever will listen. She's telling Kevin and Natalie how Russ and Michele wanted them out all along. Jeff and Russ, meanwhile, just continue to sit outside not talking to each other. Jordan is now a psychologist and she begins to speculate that Russell is a pathological liar. Seriously, I don't even think she knows what "pathological" means.

After Jordan leaves to go lay out, Kevin and Natalie begin Celebration Time! Natalie turns to Kevin and says, “The LML is a success!” She continues, “I’m proud of myself. I finally did something in this game and it worked to my advantage.” That's right Ragamuffin. You pulled it off. You deserve to be proud. I won't begrudge you that at all. Kevin says, “I thought they were going to kill each other.” Natalie tell him she wanted to chime in and stand up for Jeff, but she stayed quiet cuz she knows Russ will end up on the jury so why piss him off unnecessarily. Good move Ragamuffin. Kevin muses, “Jeff’s hilarious when he fights.”

They go on to question whether or not Russ is a real fighter. Kevin says, “I think he fights for pussy” LOL. Leave it to Fabulicious to pull a killer one liner. The Ragamuffin replies, “He can’t be too good at it cuz he has another job. Like Michael Phelps doesn’t have another job. He’s a swimmer.” You can't argue with that logic. Ragamuffin gets sentimental and asks, “Aren’t you happy I’m here over Lydia?” She really wants Kevin's approval doesn't she?

Ragamuffin and Fabulicious say Jeff should have just let Kevin win HOH. They think he’s regretting winning right now. Jeff is quickly realizing he’s in trouble next week. Kevin says that in the short term, he and the Ragamuffin now actually have a chance. Before they had NO chance, but now they have a chance. That's right sweet cheeks. It's time to grab your most colorful pedal pushers, your longest fringed scarf, and start basking in your greatness. I knew it was a good idea to get onboard the Kevin Train Of Love. Seriously, how right have I been? I knew Michele was a freak long before anyone else and I knew the Ragamuffin had it in her to fight the good fight. I'm so Nostradamus. I just know.

Natalie's biggest challenge is going to be keeping her mouth shut from here on out. We'll talk more about this in a second, but at this point Natalie has gone outside to join Jeff in the backyard. They're talking about how Russ totally lied about Casey being his “dawg”. Natalie says Russ told Jessie to put Casey up! Jeff says Casey would come outside to smoke at 6 and Russ would come out to workout. There was no friendship there. They talk about how Russ said he liked Braden too and he was even telling Braden stories last night. Jeff says, “Those were my stories! He’s telling my stories!”. Then they start laughing about how Braden would brag about all the famous friends he had yet he bitched about being homeless when he left house. Natalie says she wanted to ask Braden, “Why don’t you call up one of your famous friends to hook you up?” They all laugh and a good time was had.

Natalie then finds herself alone in the kitchen with Russell. She tells Russ that people underestimate her in this game. Russ says that she’s really an amateur poker player and that’s her twist. She says she’s 18 and she plays in Indian Casinos. She tells Russ she heard he wants her out. Russ tells her everone is saying what they think she wants to hear. Russell said he wanted Kevin out because Kevin comes close to winning all the time. No offense but Kevin is way more of a threat than Natalie.

He tells Natalie that all along he wanted Kevin on the block. If he had it his way, Kevin and Lydia would have been on the block last week. He never wanted Natalie up. After Jordan won the veto during last week's live show, he told her to put up Kevin in Natalie's place. Russ says, “I was pushing for Kevin so fucking hard.” He tells her to think outside the box from here on out and to consider both sides of the story. Russ kind of wishes her well and tells her he wants her to win. He even embraces her a couple of times and tries to make ammends.

Russ goes on to give her more pearls of wisdom. “Do what Jeff is doing and don’t say anything bad about anyone. It’ll come back to you." Good advice if you ask me. Natalie says, “I can’t stand Michele. I can’t stand that bitch.” Russ tells her, “You have to leave her here. If you want to win you have to leave her here.” Russ reminds her again not to get personal in the game. Natalie can win against Michele. She has to keep her.

Does the Ragamuffin dwell on his advice and invoke the power of her sensai? No. She immediately runs to Kevin and says, “Oh my god he hates you!” Ragamuffin! Shhhhh. Just shhhh.

Then we see Russell, Natalie, and Kevin all sitting on the couches together. Ragamuffin tells Russell that she told Jeff she’s still gonna play cards and talk to Russ. Girl is working his jury vote like the rent is due tomorrow! This whole time she's LOUDLY munching chips and totally driving me fucking crazy. It's almost enough for me to hate her again, but not quite. Russell then tells Kevin that he wanted him on the block and gone, but that Kevin should think of it as a compliment because Rusell saw him as a threat.

Russell then goes on a weird kiss assy tangent. He tells Kevin he never called him a faggot. Jeff was the one who called Russ a faggot. Russ was never mean to Kevin. Jessie was the one who was mean to him and Jeff calling Russ a faggot is an insult to gay men everywhere. Russ tells Kevin he was a little upset Kevin didn’t stick up for him when Chima was throwing around the racial slurs. He thought if anyone could understand it would be Kevin because he’s a gay man and half black and has been bullied in his life. Kevin tells him he wish he knew all this earlier. He says he told Chima not to say the racist stuff. Russ continues to really push the faggot stuff saying it’s a sign of Jeff’s character. What Russ is really doing is buttering Kevin up. He's gonna make a pitch to him and he's just testing the waters. If his pitch doesn't work, then maybe he's succeeded in causing Kevin to go after Jeff now. Whether or not these plans of his work, I admire his resolve. You guys know how much I hate it when a player just gives up.

This whole time Michele is up in the HOH with Jeff trying to get into his pants. She's giggling and touching herself and Jeff is just grossed out and confused. She's giving Jeff exactly what he wants which is an ear. Jeff is gonna continue to recap that fight and bash Russ for as long as he possibly can.

Jeff will literally rehash the fight at any given opportunity. They do it in the HOH, in the kitchen, outside, in the Green Room. Wherever there is oxygen Jeff will recap the fight. Russell, on the other hand, has his mind on the game. He was going over dates of house events outside with Natalie. She gets up and runs inside informing everyone that Russ is wrong about all his information. Jordan says Ronnie probably gave him wrong days. Well, I went to the man himself for confirmation and here is what Ronnie had to say, @ColetteLala yeah I did !!! I even posted that immediately after my eviction !! He was dumb to believe me, glad I aided his eviction >8)

Kevin tells Natalie she needs to stop talking to Russell because he could take something she says and twist it around to make her look bad. Ragamuffin is saying that no matter what Jordan would never vote to keep Russell in the game after what happened today with Jeff. Kevin jokes with her that maybe he'll vote to keep Russell. Impeccable timing for that joke because here is where Russ makes his pitch to Kevin.

Russ and Kevin are playing pool and Russell makes a pitch for Kevin to keep him. Kevin says he'll consider it and he's actually really convincing. People in the chats were thinking he'd cross over, but I had a feeling Kevin was playing Russ all along. Russell tells Kevin he should talk to Michele and organize things with her. Kevin tells Russell to do it. Russell tells him that Michele was in the Splish Splash room crying after Russ was put on the block. I have no idea if this is true, but I would have loved to have seen it if it was. You know how much I'd love to see Michele cry.

Jeff and Jordan are now officially paranoid. They know Jordan MUST win HOH next week and the mere thought just makes me giggle. Although I wouldn't doubt for a second if BB changed the HOH comp to a cookie dough eating contest just to makes sure their precious Jeff was safe. So anyhow, the Boring Twins are scared so they decide to count everything they can in the Green Room. They literally spend hours and hours counting. They keep having to start over because they're fucking up all the time and there's only 1 brain cell left between them.

Jordan begins to slip tiny pieces of paper into the rolls she's counting. Unless they're numbered I don't see how this will help her. Bitch can't count higher than 20.

After that the whole house passed out and the first 40 minutes of BBAD was literally shots of the HG's sleeping. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why BB didn't just wake them all up. That was ridiculous what aired on Showtime last night. I started watching The Notorious Bettie Page instead and kept flipping back to see all the HG's still sleeping.

Late last night Kevin told Natalie what Russ pitched to him. If he told Natalie he's obviously not going to vote her out. They discuss how Jeff needs to go next week and my excitement grows. Where is Mr. O'Shaugnessy hiding now? I need him here to tickle my no-no. I gave him a party hat, a can of cheese whiz, and a mirror and I'm almost scared to see what he's up to right now.

Anyhow, Jordan spent lots of time stroking Jeff's ego telling him he's better than Russell. That's nice and all Jordan, but I have a feeling Jeff would rather you stroke something else. The boy is extremely stressed and frustrated and what he needs right now is a good old fashioned boink fest.

I'm going to end this here. This was super long today. More than made up for yesterday.

Here's a mini contest: Tell me which movie the line, "good old fashioned boink fest" comes from and you're a winner!